*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black men’s warehouse suit with a white-undershirt, black tie, black shoes and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a wine glass of Dr. Pepper*
Warlock: Welcome to my lair…welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.
*Warlock levitates into the lair before landing inside*
Warlock: Tonight is a very special occasion here at the Realm. Tonight is our special 100th episode. Yes, we lasted this long.
*Mr. America is on the left side of the couch wearing a blue Joseph A Bank suit, yellow undershirt, yellow and blue striped tie, black dress shoes and aviator shades*
America: This isn’t going to be the sequel to Ooga Booga is it?
Warlock: Oh hell no. For a special such as this, I decided to go with something much more absurd and memorable.
*Neyzor Blades is in the recliner wearing a black and white striped dress*
Neyz: I’m not watching any horror movies.
Warlock: Oh no, no no no no. I decided on something much sinister than a horror movie. Tonight we’re doing a 1976 puppet porno called…
Neyz and America: PUPPET PORNO!!????
Warlock:…..Let my Puppets Come!
Neyz: Oh hell no, I ain’t doing this.
Warlock: Too late
*Warlock flicks his wrist and the door locks, the tv goes on, the dvd is played*
Warlock: So let’s not delay, its time for Let My Puppets Come.
*The Warlock reads the tag-line*
Warlock: “Damiano’s most innovative sex comedy ever”
America: Sex comedy? Think the best part will be the director laughing at us when the credits roll.
Neyz: I don’t know what to say
*Bad opening credits The Four Skins*
America and Warlock: The four skins….
America: Wowwwwww
*Two guys buy hot dogs at a stand, one of them is a puppet*
America: Not even a minute in and there’s a puppet that comes out of friggin nowhere.
*Robert Redfoot, Clark Gobble, etc star in the movie*
Warlock: This is terrible.
America: Clitoris Leachmunn? That’s a Bond girl name you dunce.
*A character is Pornocciho. Another is Peter E Rection*
America: Wowwwww
*A real life human is credited*
America: We get a ton of puppets and this guy.
*Penny Nichholz and Lynette Sheldon star in*
Warlock: Heh, actual porn stars.
*Puppet sings with a piccolo theme*
Neyz: What the?
*Puppet calls out “Motherfucker!”
America: What?
*3 puppets sing*
Warlock: Its only 75 minutes long.
Neyz: Too long.
*Gramps calls one of the 3 guys a little shit*
Warlock: 6 balls huh?
*4 guys sing as Puppet stands and watches*
America: You delivered your telegram what are you still doing there?
*Gramps says hi to the floral arrangements*
Warlock and America: Ughhhhh
Warlock: If nothing else, this stupid song takes off the run time.
*Graphic says The Predicament*
Warlock: What’s the predicament?
Neyz: When did this come out?
Warlock: 1976
Neyz: This is the shit they watched in the 70’s?
Warlock: Between Italian Stallion and this, apparently.
*Female puppet gets call from Mr. Big. He says he’s gonna kill them if they don’t make a fortune fast. One guy says to sell heroin, the other says too much government competition*
Warlock: Good god.
*Telegram puppet says to make a porno*
Warlock: Great…a dynamite fuck film.
Neyz: This is so awkward.
*Puppet says they need penetration, closeups, moaning and groaning*
Warlock: I’m convinced.
*Naked female puppet is asked for sex by puppet dog*
Neyz: Alright Warlock, what the fuck?
America: Team America’s puppeteering was better than this. Second, just get some peanut butter and he’ll do whatever you want.
*Puppet dog gets it on with puppet girl*
Neyz: What the fuck is this?
America: Ughhhh. I have a question.
Warlock: I have an answer.
America: If he does it, is it still called doggy style?
Warlock: Hey he came up with it then?
*Dog does her missionary and howls as he cums. Female “You really are a girls best friend”
Neyz: What the fuck is on this tv right now? I can’t….
Warlock: He did her missionary.
*Back in the office, one guy says the humane society would be pissed*
Neyz: Yeah no shit.
*Gramps walks into a nude photography office and says awwww shit*
Warlock: This is supposed to be erotic?
America: Hell no.
*3 female puppets take advantage of Gramps. One sucks his lifesize dick*
America: Oh my god.
Warlock: Wowwwwwww
*Back in the office the guy says its too unrealistic*
Warlock: Really?
*One of the puppets says to do a hospital scene. He day dreams*
Warlock: See?
America: Since when did you join the mob?
*Puppet says he’s so horny and he needs the nurse to help*
America: If he’s fading fast, that’s a lousy surgery. What the fuck is the point of that?
*Nurse puppet sucks puppet’s dick. He cums everywhere*
Neyz: I’m not gonna talk to you for at least a week, Warlock.
*Doctor puppet says that was the HEAD nurse*
Neyz: Funny ha ha
*Puppet dies smiling*
America: Worst surgery ever.
*Back in the office, everyone laughs about the scene*
Warlock: Hahaha
*Puppet says they need a BLOWfish*
Neyz: What?
*Fish puppet blows another puppet underwater*
Warlock: How do you like the blowfish?
Neyz: So is this considered porn……?
*Gramps say they need Gepetto*
Warlock: So who plays Jiminy Crickett?
America: Huh?
*Puppet says they need a cameraman. Receptionist puppet wants to be a star, they go to gang rape her*
Warlock: Oh my god.
*Head puppet says either one of them left a dick in there or this is a man*
Neyz: Hahaha what?
*Telegram puppet hits up a puppet sex shop. The owner calls the telegrammer Jimmy. Jimmy asks him to shoot the fuck film*
Warlock: So is that how it works? You just walk into a random store and ask the owner to be a pornographer cameraman?
Neyz: No, they’re friends you dopo.
*Gepetto and Pornochhio shows up*
Neyz: What the fuck is that?
*Pornochhio bangs the receptionist puppet*
Warlock: Why am I not surprised?
*Graphic, A Star Is Born*
America: What?
*Gramps has a strap on on his head and the receptionist sucks him off*
America: I don’t believe this.
Warlock: Wow.
*Gepetto builds a female puppet with a dick and balls. He says that’s not right and cuts them off*
Neyz: What the fuck?
America: Wowwww
*Rabbi puppet shows up*
Warlock: A rabbi?
*Gepetto introduces female puppet and Poronochhio together. They sing badly*
Neyz: Huh.
*Gepetto says they can learn to sing*
Warlock: I can sing better that.
*The puppets sing opera*
America: Welcome to puppet Canada.
*”We got this shit in a can where it belongs!”
Warlock: Take-a two. Actioneeeee!!!
*Gepetto facepalms*
Neyz: Why does he keep saying Hiyah!! He thinks he’s in the army.
Warlock: That’s karate, not the army…you’re thinking of oorah you dope.
*female puppet blows puppet camera guy and smacks his ass*
Neyz: I’m so confused
*female puppet slaps camera dude’s dick around*
Neyz: Hahahahahaha
America: Fuck it, I’m not gonna ask.
Warlock: Mind if I eat?
America: Yeah, sure…go right ahead.
*Cameraguy “Worst thing I ever heard! Who wrote this shit??”
Warlock: The movie writer.
*A singing dick does opera with another naked puppet*
Warlock: What?
America: The spotlight’s broken.
Warlock: I love how they got the Sesame Street banjo going.
Neyz: Oh yeah.
*Camera guy facepalms and so does America*
Neyz: There’s you America.
America: Yeah really.
*The light is fixed as dick continues to sing*
Warlock: Does anyone know whats going on?
*Puppet says she’s on her period*
America: Yeah, that’s the least of her problems.
*Gepetto and Cameraguy yell at each other*
Warlock: Why are we fighting?
*Pornochhio uses his nose to get off a stage puppet*
America: Only in this film.
*Puppet Fred “This tension is unbearable. I’m going for a drink. Say your prayers men, I shall return”
America: You think you’re MacArthur now?
*Gepetto cries as a black female puppet shows up*
Warlock: Well at least they’re not racist.
*Pornocchio says he wants to play it by ear. He nose rapes receptionist’s ears*
America: Wowwww
Neyz: The fuck is this?
*A legitimate singer sings as the female puppet to cheer up Gepetto*
Warlock: A legitimate song, that’s more like it.
America: Why do they work in a legitimate human hand?
Neyz: Their hands are up their ass.
America: Its not up their ass, its been clearly established with a stick.
*Two dogs runs on a beach*
Neyz: Awww they’re the babies.
*Warlock and America hula dance to the song*
Neyz: You see that? There’s my brain going out the window because of you two.
*Human runs with dog on the beach. Some kid bends over and digs a sandcastle*
Warlock: I don’t want to see that kids ass.
America: What is the point of this?
*Twin towers are shown*
Warlock: Won’t see those no more.
*Warlock checks the time*
Warlock: 33 minutes left, can you handle it?
Neyz: I’m fine, ask America.
America: Ughhhh
*Fred hits up the bar and says no nakedness. Suddenly a legitimate, hot naked girl dances for Fred who facepalms. Another human watches*
Warlock: Shut up, this is actually good.
*Fred gets up and leaves as she dances to jazz music.Fred “There must be refuge somewhere”
Warlock: Can you imagine her telling her kids about this?
America: She probably would shoot herself first.
Neyz: “Kids, I had to put myself through college”
Warlock: This is no longer the worst movie of all time.
*The human male calls Fred a faggot*
Warlock,Neyz and America: Hahahahahahaha.
*Fred calls her perverse. Fred says he’s well versed in the marial arts. Guy hits him in the head with a bottle and Fred drop. Later on the girl nurses Fred back to health. She asks how well hung he is*
Warlock: Wowwwww
Neyz: Hahahaha are you kidding me?
*She strips naked*
Warlock: Is she shaved?
America: I don’t think so.
*She wants Fred to spank her. Fred starts getting into it. He comes over and spanks her*
Warlock and America: Hahahahahaaha
Neyz: Its truly smashing.
*She asks what she can do to help him. Freddy whispers to her and she laughs at him. Freddy puts on her underwear and she throws grapes at him*
America: What the????
Warlock: What just happened?
*He slides down the wall*
America: Wowwwwwwww
Warlock: She’s kind of shaved.
Neyz: She’s trimmed.
*Fred walks out still wearing her bra on his head*
America: So you’re not gonna take it off?
Neyz: He forgot it there.
*Fred walks back to the guys and they laugh at him. Jimmy laughs and calls him the boss. They say Gepetto ran out of them. Jimmy “Lick my ass!”
Warlock: You gonna lick his ass Neyz?
Neyz: Nope.
*Gramps says “They want to see pussy and cocks and tits and ass”. Fred says the movie has no ending*
Warlock: This movie better have an ending.
*Gramps says they need commercials*
Warlock: The last thing we need is commercials.
*Jessica (a real woman) gets a phone call. Gramps says she’ll be right there as long as there’s no whips or kinky shit*
Warlock: So no S & M?
*Jessica “Our cunts can get pretty skunky. We need to feel…fresh*
Warlock: Oh god.
*Jingle. “Sweet Fish vaginal spray, keep that funky cunt away”
Neyz: What?????
*Puppet almost blows himself up as Doctor Puppet works over another real woman*
Warlock: I’ve seen her somewhere before.
*Doctor Puppet “Its a climax watch, it takes a licking and keeps on ticking!*
Warlock: Wow.
*Actual movie writer gets a blow job from a puppet, shills Lusterine*
America: Wowwwwwwwwww
*Blonde puppet tell Freddy he doesn’t know anything. Meanwhile Mr. Big shows up who’s a real life midget*
Neyz: Hahahahaha
*Red head puppet is called Mighty Mouth. She blows him so the others can get away. Real human butler named James as an old lady puppet shows up to the office*
Warlock: I really don’t want to know where this is going.
*Grandma puppet sings*
Neyz: Hahahaha
America: Yay….a musical number…great.
*My mammries are memories!”
Warlock: Hahahaha
America: He’s the puppeteer, look he’s manipulating the puppet stick
Neyz: Heh, you’re right. His arm is up her ass.
America: Took you an hour, now they have their hands up their asses.
*Grandma puppet kisses James and he goes cross eyed*
Warlock: The big climax?
*Fred asks if they can make it*
America: I hope we can make it.
Warlock: 11 minutes left.
*Receptionist puppet is still blowing Pornochhio*
Warlock: I forgot about him.
*Pornochhio turns into a human for cumming 8 times*
America: That’s his reward? Ohhhh god.
Warlock: He looks like a fool.
Neyz: That’s not a real boy, that’s a real moron.
*Adult Pornocchio horribly lipsyncs a song*
Warlock: This is the worst Rolling Stones cover I’ve ever heard.
America: I can play guitar better than this.
*Police puppet arrests everyone*
Neyz: Hahaha!
*Entire puppet crew is thrown in jail. Police puppet then says the charges are dropped. Some judge says they have social redeeming quality. Jimmy walks out*
Warlock: Somebody shoot him.
*Graphic: 6 months later*
Warlock: This movie feels like its gone on for 6 months.
*They’re watching the oscars. Best Picture goes to….you are hereby chosen for jury”
Warlock: Hahahaha
*Best picture goes to….The Last Porno Flick. Jimmy takes the stage “This is the first fuck film to win an oscar. I need to thank two people Adam and Eve.” Gramps “What an asshole!”
*The crew counts their movie. They go over future movie titles. Fred says this is the end. End credits*
Neyz: Yayyyyyyyyy
America: I’m still trying to process what the fuck I just watched.
Neyzor Blades Assessment: I give this piece of shit a 1 out of 10, this is the worst shit I’ve ever seen.
Mr. America’s Assessment: Ughhhhh good god. I gotta figure this out. I give it a 1, this was pretty brutal. Definitely the worst I’ve ever seen.
The Warlock: I give it a 2…..one point of the absurdity and one point for the actual female nudity.
Neyz: Two? What do you mean two? You can’t give it just two!
Final Grade: 1.5 out of 10 – Almost the worst of all time
*The Warlock rises from the couch*
Warlock: Well that was fun wasn’t it?
America: Hardly.
Neyz: I feel dumber after watching that.
Warlock: You two are no fun. That was hilarious.
America: I want to gouge my eyes out.
Warlock: Keep quiet. Anyway that concludes our 100th episode special. Have a pleasant evening.
Warlock's Movie Realm 