*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black wife-beater, gargoyle shades, white sneakers and blue jeans. He’s holding a wine glass of Dr. Pepper*
Warlock: Welcome to my lair…..welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter the lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.
*Warlock shoots fire down the street from his palm and walks inside*
Warlock: Like I said during the last movie, we’re doing GOOD movies for a bit.
*Mr. America is in the recliner with his arms folded. He’s wearing green camo fatigues, vest and hat along with black combat boots and aviator shades*
America: A likely story. I’ll believe it when I see it.
Warlock:Well you better believe it because tonight’s movie is End of Days?
America: Woah, wait? The Governor Arnold movie?
America: I heard that was REALLY good.
Warlock: I told you we were doing good ones.
America: Ok I’m convinced.
*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch as America sits back in the recliner*
Warlock: Let’s get started with End of Days.
*Warlock reads the tag-line*
Warlock: “At the end of the century, Satan visits New York in search of a bride. It’s up to an ex-cop who now runs an elite security outfit to stop him.”
America: That’s going to be one hell of a marriage.
Warlock: I see what you did there.
America: I’m not finished. There’s more.
Warlock: Oh there’s more!
America: If I was hiring Arnold’s private security company, I’d get that shit insured. He has a pension for Collateral Damage.
Warlock: 2 for 2
*opening credits involve fire*
Warlock: Got a marshmallow?
America: That’s shoddy craftsmanship. See how fast the rosary beads broke?
Warlock: Must be from Acme.
*Graphic reads Vatican City, 1979*
Warlock: Great year for disco.
*Priests confer about the spawn of Satan being born. Tomaso (Derrick O’Connor) is sent by the Cardinal (Michael O’Hagan) to find the girl bearing the child in New York. The baby girl is born*
Warlock: Mazeltov! Have a cigar!
America: No thanks.
*Baby is carried down to the basement where Dr. Abel (Udo Kier) conducts a Satantic ritual including a killing of a snake*
Warlock: Don’t show Neyz that.
*The baby is brought back to the mother, the baby is named Christine (Robin Tunney)*
America: Oh yeah, no change here….
*Graphic reads December 28, 1999. Radio host says 3 nights left until the Y2K disaster*
Warlock: I remember that. People actually thought the world was ending.
*A huge gas mane leak has a CGI devil bat flying out of the sewer*
Warlock: Invading on the ninja turtles turf.
*The Man (Gabriel Byrne) is on a date. He heads to the bathroom where the cgi bat stops next to him before possessing him. The cgi bat is actually Satan. Satan walks out and french kisses a woman in front of everyone*
*Satan walks out of the restaurant and it explodes*
America and Warlock: WOAHH!!!!
Warlock: Did not see that one coming
*Jericho Cane (Arnold Schwarzenegger) loads up a pistol and points it at his head*
Warlock: HOW TO RUIN A MOVIE!
*Jericho pulls the trigger*
America: THE END!
*Bobby Chicago (Kevin Pollak) barges into Jericho’s apartment and tells him to get ready. They’re protecting a wallstreet scumbag*
Warlock: If only Mr. Wallstreet was here.
*Jericho mixes pepto bismol, a piece of toast from the floor and something else in a blender and drinks it*
America: I question your dietary habits.
*Jericho and his crew arrive to escort Satan as an assassin tries to take him out. Jericho is shot as the limousine drives off and shooter gets away. Bobby checks on Jericho who is wearing a bulletproof vest. They get up and head for the roof using a Bell 412 chopper*
America: Pretty good helicopter.
*The assassin fires at the copter and riddles it with bullets but miss Bobby and Jericho by a mile. Jericho fires back with a pistol and misses*
Warlock: Terrible aim.
*Jericho is lowered by harness as the shooter tries to jump off the roof, Jericho catches him in time. The guy pulls a gun and the harness lowers enough where the assassin is dropped onto the street. He gets up and runs off, Jericho in hot pursuit. Eventually the assassin is revealed to be Tomas. He goes to shoot Jericho but Jericho takes him down with shots to the leg. Cane checks him and finds him wearing a collar. Bobby arrives soon after*
Warlock: Little late to the party
*Jericho says he wants to check him for stuff first before the cops arrive, why make it easier for them?*
Warlock: Good point
America: The method of apprehension involved a helicopter, I’m happy.
*Tomas is hauled off on a gurney*
America: You know, him getting shot in the leg is a real career killer.
America: He’s going to have a hell of a time making his way to the pulpit let alone climbing up it.
*Detective Francis (CCH Pounder) asks if Jericho has been drinking. She says that Tomas has no tongue so it was impossible for him to speak. Jericho freaks out*
Warlock: We just imagined the whole thing.
*Bobby and Jericho get a tip from a bartender of where Tomas was hiding. They find his lair. Jericho reads a scripture written in blood on the wall. Jericho finds the tongue and the tool used to cut it out. Bobby opens the fridge and a black cat runs out, freaking him out*
Warlock: Its the smittens!
*Bobby opens a jar and finds a picture of Christine, grown. Neither of them know who she is*
America: They’ll find out eventually
*Christine visits her parents graves while Jericho says “This man is no ordinary hitman”
*Detective Francis barges in and a shootout almost occurs. Tomas is really named Thomas Aquinas. She gives his background as a vatican ordained priest. She says the wall street banker disappeared too. Jericho asks why he’s shooting at him*
Warlock: What a mystery.
*Christine is stalked on a train by the Bum who says “He’s gonna fuck you Christine* before turning to glass and shattering*
America: Not a very good job of warning her.
*Back home, Jericho strips down and groans as the bullets that hit the vest leaves a bruise. He pulls out a bible and a music box. He plays the music box*
America: Are we gonna go down memory lane?
Warlock: Pack a lunch.
*Jericho finds the passage where “A thousand years have ended, Satan will be released from his prison”
Warlock: He found a clue.
*Christine runs upstairs at her mansion and calls Dr. Abel. He calms her down about the daydream she had. Mabel (Miriam Margolyes) the nurse from the beginning calms her down as well*
Warlock: Ruh roh
*Jericho investigates a nearby church. He asks the Father Kovak (Rod Steiger) why Tomas would shoot at him. Kovak asks him why he doesn’t believe in God. Jericho “We had a difference in opinion. I felt my wife and daughter should live, he felt otherwise”
*Kovak dismisses him but Jericho follows him to a basement where an exorcism is taking place. Jericho finally leaves*
Warlock: The accountant just looks at him.
*Satan wanders around NYC until Dr. Abel and his family has dinner. The doorbell rings and its Satan. Abel says the girl is safe and everything is going as planned. Satan walks in and has a daydream of him fucking the mother and daughter together*
*Christine wakes up from a bad dream as Mabel runs in and tells her everything is ok*
America: You’re right, she’s insidious.
*Satan visits a hospital and the officer stops him. Satan says he can smell the young boys he’s molested. The officer is stunned and lets him in. Satan walks in on Tomas and starts grilling him. Bobby, Francis and Jericho walk in and find Tomas crucified to the ceiling, dead*
Warlock: So much for him.
*Saran stops a kid on a skateboard and says “Nice shirt.” The kid says screw you and Satan makes sure the kid gets hit by a bus. “Nice shirt”
America: Called that one.
*Abel leads Satan to a private room as Tomas body has cuts all over him. Satan wrote the scripture on his body. Suddenly Tomas springs to life and the officer shoots him in the head. Bobby “Well I’m never sleeping again”
Warlock: Me neither
*Jericho figures out it wasn’t Christ In New York written, but Christine York. They find her address. Meanwhile she’s working out a treadmill*
*Christine takes her shirt off*
*Scene cuts away before we can see her chest*
*Christine finds her butler Carson (Robert Lesser) dead in the bathtub and screams. Cultists run after her. A chase scene envelops but they nab her in the closet and pin her to the bed. The leader goes to stab her in the chest as Bobby and Jericho run up to the scene. The cultists are actually soliders of God. Bobby and Jericho fight them as Christine manages to escape. Jericho kills one of them. America points out an inconsistency and gets mad. Meanwhile Jericho tackles tje leader and chases him out a window. He tells Bobby to call the police and ambulance. Francis shows up and the police investigate. He finds a music box similar to the one his daughter had*
America: Don’t do it! It’ll bring up memories.
*Christine and Jericho share bonding moments. Mabel runs in and consoles her. Jericho swipes a book and leaves. Bobby gives him shit for it*
*Abel is on the phone with Mabel. She says she can’t follow them or she may lead them to the temple. Abel tells Satan she can’t follow and he punches Abel straight through the head. He says he’ll have to go after her himself. Meanwhile Christine lets Jericho in as Mabel protests. Satan sneaks up on Bobby’s van*
America: Uh oh.
*Jericho reveals he’s an ex-cop. The amulet he stole from the lead cultist is actually a symbol that they’re soldiers of God. The apple he’s holding sprouts to life and they both see it. Satan pisses on a doorstep and it begins to run into the street*
Warlock: For once a pissing scene means something.
*The piss turns to gasoline and Bobby’s van blows, taking him with it. The explosion takes out nearly the whole neighborhood. Mabel turns heel and starts pulverizing Jericho. Jericho throws her head first through a glass table.*
America: She’s taking it to Arnold better than most bad guys he faces!
Warlock: Holy shit you’re right.
*Satan walks in the fire and casually mentions Christine knows who he is. They run away. They escape down the fire escape as Satan tells Mabel that she had ONE job and kills her*
Warlock: You had….
America: ONE JOB!
*The officer and Detective Francis walk up and Jericho waves them over. They draw guns and start shooting at them. Jericho and Christine retreat behind a brick wall. Jericho “Jesus Marge, what the fuck!!!” Marge “Its ok Jer, we just want the girl!”
Warlock: What a heel turn.
*Jericho tosses his gun and walks out. He puts his hands on his head. Marge “Just the kill, you can kill him.” Suddenly Jericho pulls an El Mariachi and whips two handguns out, shooting them both dead. Christine and Jericho run off. Satan walks up and brings Marge back to life and tells her to find Jericho*
*Jericho freaks out and wants to know what the hell is going on. Christine says he’s been fucking her in her dreams her whole life and is afraid she’ll want him for real. They run off to find answers*
Warlock: And a cheeseburger along the way.
*Jericho confronts Father Kovak who denies involvements with the Vatican Knights. Kovak says he’s ready to know the truth. Kovak says the number of the beast is not 666 but 999, as in 1999 the year of his return. Christine shows the tattoo on her arm and Kovak says she’s the chosen one to bear Satan’s child. Kovak says by New Year’s Eve he’s supposed to fuck her, spawn a child and take over the Earth. Jericho says why doesn’t God do anything and Kovak says he’s not supposed to help. The humans can do it themselves. Kovak says Jericho can’t kill him, only a person of faith can do it. Kovak “Satan’s greatest trick was convincing the world he doesn’t exist.”
Warlock: Kevin Pollak and Gabriel Byrne both are familiar with that line.
*Satan confronts Jericho in his apartment. Satan says he wants to make him happy again. He gives him the fantasy of being reunited with his wife Emily (Denice D Lewis) and daughter Amy (Renee Olstead). Satan makes Arnold relive his past where burglars break in and execute them. Satan reveals the mobsters that ordered the hit was the culprits. Jericho says Satan is a choirboy compared to him. Satan says they’re alike. Jericho “WE’RE NOTHING ALIKE!”
*Satan “God is the biggest underachiever in history. He just had a good publicist*
*Jericho tells Satan to go to hell*
America: Been there
*Satan throws Jericho out a window. He says take his hand or die. Satan leans out and Jericho grabs him and tosses him 50 feet below. Jericho tends to his wound as someone knocks on the door*
America: Called it.
*Jericho opens the door and its Bobby. He claims he’s fine and Jericho grills him. Jericho shoots him in the arm and Bobby cries out in pain. Jericho says he’s bleeding, he must be ok. He tells Bobby to meet him at St John’s Church in one hour.Meanwhile the Vatican Knights show up and go to kill Christine. Kovak protests the murder. Jericho makes the save and shoots the Priest in the hand. The priest is saying that her death will saved mankind. Jericho orders Christine to be let go. Suddenly the whole building rumbles. Jericho and Christine run as Satan makes his entrance. Satan kills everyone in the room. A group of thugs jump Jericho as Bobby pulls up in a car. Christine gets in and he locks the door, driving off. Jericho fights off the thugs who attack one by one*
Warlock: Of course its one by one.
America: Chuck Norris school of bad guys.
*Jericho is eventually overpowered as Satan shows up. His minions tie Jericho up as Bobby opens the door for him. Satan gets in the car and they drive off. Jericho is raised on a makeshift cross*
Warlock: Now how is he going to get out of this one?
America: Oh he’ll do some bullshit.
*Graphic reads December 31, 1999*
*Father Kovak cuts down Jericho*
Warlock: How the hell did he live?
America: He didn’t get killed, he only got knocked out.
*Kovak’s crew nurses Jericho back to health. Jericho says its not too late and runs off*
Warlock: Knock the accountant out.
America: He didn’t say anything.
Warlock: So what?
*Jericho arms himself at his security station and finds out where Christine is being held. Jericho finds Bobby’s car as Detective Francis pulls up and heads into the abandoned movie theater. He follows her in and enters the hidden temple. He runs into a guy with his eyes sewn shut, the dude lets him pass. Jericho finds the boiler room where the ritual is being held. Satan’s priest (Van Quattro) leads the chant as Francis spots Jericho sneaking around. Satan kisses Christine as Jericho hides in the crowd. Satan says to give herself to him. Jericho shoots Francis dead and some of the cultists too. He grabs Christine and goes to leave when Satan leads Bobby over. Bobby reveals that he sold his soul to live*
Warlock: You called that one.
*Bobby goes to shoot Jericho but begins to have second thoughts*
America: Is he gonna turn the gun on himself?
*Bobby puts the gun down. Satan sets him on fire*
*Jericho’s missle launcher blows up the whole building as he and Christine make a run for the exit. They run out onto train tracks as a train approaches and they duck down to avoid being hit*
Warlock: Oh yeah I believe that.
America: Wouldn’t they be electrocuted?
*Jericho teaches Christine how to shoot a gun and she shoots a satanist. Jericho “Yeah, like that”
*The train runs over Satan as he pops up from the ground. Satan kills the train conductor*
Warlock: All they have to do is survive until midnight right?
America: I suppose.
*Jericho separates the train cars and jumps aboard the runaway. He fires another rocket that takes out Satan and the other traincar. They crash into the wreckage but are perfectly fine*
*The cgi bat leaves the body as a graphic reads 11:51 PM*
Warlock: They got 10 minutes.
*Christine and Jericho seek refuge in a nearby church. Jericho shoots his gun and everyone scatters. He looks at the biblical figures and statues in the church and drops the gun*
America: He’s having an epiphany.
*Jericho begs god for forgiveness and strength. The whole church shakes as the place catches fire. An unseen destructo totally wrecks the place. A CGI Demon appears and snarls at Jericho. It possesses him and flings him across the room*
Warlock: Ok this is kind of silly.
*Graphic reads 11:57 PM*
Warlock: 3 minutes to go, can they make it?
*Jericho calls out for Christine. He says they won. He turns heel and grabs her by the hand, leading her to the pulpit. He places her on it and strips her down*
Warlock: Can he hold off in time?
*Jericho fights himself long enough for her to run. He jumps and impales himself on a nearby sword. Satan leaves his body as the countdown ends….happy new year. Satan has lost*
America: Gonna have to wait another thousand years.
*Jericho sees his family, smiles and dies*
Warlock: *fake dies* ehhhhhh
America: I don’t trust this one, he may come back.
*Christine takes Jericho’s hand and thanks him*
America: Maybe you’re right.
Warlock: Wow, when was the last time he bought it, Terminator?
America: I think so.
Mr. America’s Assessment: 6.5 out of 10
Warlock’s Assessment: 7 out of 10. I thought it was decent. Not too many holes although the CGI was off-putting.
Final Grade: 6.5 out of 10 – Very Good
*The Warlock rises from the couch*
Warlock: Told you I’d deliver a good movie and I didn’t lie.
America: Yeah, its another miracle.
Warlock: All in all the movie had its moments and it was certainly watchable from beginning to end. It had plot twists, action and a cool storyline.
America: You got lucky.
Warlock: Well that wraps up another non-craptastic adventure. Have a pleasant evening.