98. Marines (2003)



*The Warlock and Mr America have finished watching Special Forces. Mr Wallstreet walks in*

Wallstreet: I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news.

Warlock: Bad news?

Wallstreet: While I was in there I looked on my phone. Did you say there were 3 American Heroes movies?

Warlock: Yeah, see?

*Wallstreet shakes his head and creates two open slots next to the three movies on the rack*

America: What are you doing?

Wallstreet: I looked it up….there weren’t three movies in the American Heroes series. There were FIVE movies. You’re missing two of them. Marines and Submarines.

*America drops to the floor and holds his head in his hands. Warlock hits his head on the movie rack*

Warlock: 10 years down the drain.

Wallstreet: You two…have fun with those.


*The Warlock is on a Skype chat with The Mysterious Benefactor*

TMB: Is everything all set?

Warlock: I got the NCIS project and our 100th movie special all set to go. All thats left is the unfinished business.

TMB: What unfinished business?

Warlock: You never told me Special Forces wasn’t the last of the American Heroes series.

TMB: You never asked.

Warlock: Yeah big help.

TMB: What are you missing?

Warlock: Marines and Submarines.

TMB: On their way.



*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a red wifebeater, blue jeans, white sneakers and black gargoyle shades. Hes holding a mug of root beer*

Warlock: Welcome to my lair…welcome I dont think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock shoots fire into the sky in the shape of an American flag before walking in the lair*

Warlock: Well Mr. America, its time for some unfinished business.

*Mr America is in the recliner wearing green camo fatigues, vest and hat along with black combat boots and aviator shades*

America: What unfinished business would that be?

*Warlock holds up the dvd cover and America goes bug eyed*

America: No way.

Warlock: Way.

*America takes the dvd and puts it in the player before climbing back in the recliner*

Warlock: Tonight we kick off Memorial Day weekend with a tribute to our troops, the 4th installment of the American Heroes series, Marines.

America: I dont think we should be paying tribute to the troops with this pile of shit.

Warlock: Who asked you?

*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*

Warlock: Its taken 11 years to do these movies, we may as well finish them. Its time for Marines


*The Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “Enlisting the aid of a group of Russian soldiers, a marine colonel must capture a Russian terrorist.”

America: Commies!


*Nu Image*

America: You spelled New wrong


*Military theme with graphic Marines. LSD landing ship appears*

Warlock: Is that accurate?

America: Close enough.


*Vladimir Atontov (Hristo Shopov) is the movie’s heel. Meanwhile random troops storm Bosnia*

Warlock: Bosnia? Didn’t we already do this in Special Forces?

America: Yeah.


*One of the soldiers has a camera on him to record the mission*

America: You know, if youre gonna record the mission. You may want to have more than one camera.

Warlock: Like in Aliens?

America: Yeah.


*Apache helicopter shows up*

Warlock: Is that accurate?

America: Yes.


*A Team and B Team both say they have eyes on Vladimir, neither one of them do*

Warlock: Somebody screwed up.

America: Oh yeah.


*GI steps on baby doll*

Warlock: Mama!


*Their presence is alerted*



*Men with turbans fire on the soldiers*

America: I thought we were in Russia.

Warlock: Bosnia.


*Soldiers wipe out two terrorists*

Warlock: His gun had a barrell on it, props for that.


*Camera shows 0H58D Kaiowa Warrior*

America: Fuck you movie!

Warlock: What?

America: They went from an Apache to an 0H58D Kaiowa Warrior, then back to the Apache. There’s no god damn observation ball on the apache!


*3 marines are pinned down until they throw a grenade. 2 terrorists fly out a window*

America: Weeeeee!


*3 remaining marines find a decoy disguised as Vladimir. They run off*

America: So you’re just gonna leave him there?


*Terrorist escape, news report saying 11 dead and 2 captured*

Warlock: Bad intel.


*America goes berserk*

America: It looked like they showed the wrong type of


*2 guys spar in a boxing ring*

Warlock: Oh boy, Rocky joins the marines.


*Colonel Anslow (George Roberson) is joined by Mr. Flanders (Lou Hirsch). Anslow goes on a rant about how boxing is an art, not just two guys beating each other senseless*

Warlock: Hear hear!


*Anslow wants his marines rescued. Flanders saying Vladimir is enlisting Chechnyan help*

Warlock: Always Chechnya.

America: Good old fashioned bribery.


*Flanders stutters by saying he’s got 36 hours to find Vladimir, capture him and get out*

Warlock: At least we have a plot.


*Flanders: “We have your full cooperation?”

Warlock: Noooooo!


*Flanders says the president wasn’t happy with the last mission*

Warlock: Wonderful.


*Larby (Lawrence Monsoson), Westlund (Thomas R Martin)  Guillen (Andrew Bowen) and other soldiers are briefed on the mission*

Warlock: Can we get some character development please?


*10 guys jump out of a helicopter with AK-47s and is met by Russian soldiers. Hamburger (Frank Sallo) corners the Russian leader while Lt. Everett (Brant Cotton) introduces himself. Kirelenko (Mark Ivanir) is the leader of the Russians. They follow each other away*

Warlock: Finally some names.


*Everett is mad that there’s not many soldiers to work with in just 36 hours. Meanwhile Anslow is in a command center*

America: So that’s the command center? All they have is one computer and a bulletin board? My closet has more space than that.


*Marines walk right into an ambush complete with snipers and motar launchers*

Warlock: They didn’t see that coming?


*Essex (Kalin Yavorov) goes apeshit on a few terrorists*

Warlock: Nice shooting stranger.


*The Russians get annihilated as Essex gets hit in the legs. Everett refuses to retreat no matter what*

Warlock: Well this went south in a hurry.


*Guillen picks off the armored truck dudes*

Warlock: Nice shooting reverand.


*Everett commandeers the truck with Kirilenko inside. Sasha (Valentin Ganev) jumps in but Essex is left behind*

Warlock: They have forsaken you.


*Terrorists surround Essex and capture him*

Warlock: Well so much for him.


*Everett admonishes Kirilenko for running away. Kirilenko admonishes HIM for walking into an ambush*

Warlock: Have a smoke and smile.


*Anslow smells a rat saying Vladimir knew it was coming. Flanders calls Anslow and weasly insults him. Everett says to hell with Flanders and to complete the mission*

Warlock: Wonderful.


*Anslow shuts Flanders off. “We’re having all kinds of problems today”

Warlock: Hahahaha.


*Guillen says in 30 years he doesn’t want to tell his kids he chickened out in Chechnya*

America: That’s a lovely thought.


*Russian soldier shoots himself as they set fire to the armored truck*

Warlock: I don’t want to be in this movie anymore. Goodbye cruel world.


*Anslow watches video of Chechnyan’s hanging a marine from a tank. Flanders demands Everett’s team returned. Anslow says they’re all dead*

Warlock: Wonderful, now its a black op.


*Anslow tells his staff (George, Yavor, Nikolai) “not a peep!”*

Warlock: He means you.


*Marines wander through the streets of Chechnya*

Warlock: Suprised they’re not shot on sight.


*Cute girl smiles at Everett*

America: Hiiiiiiiii


*Girl screams, terrorists attack some farmers. The Sarge wants to attack but Everett says no….until they spot the cute girl being raped.Kirilenko has seen enough*

Warlock: At least one of them has balls.


*Kirilenko wipes out the 3 rapists by himself with a knife. Guillen pops a few more terrorists as Kirlenko saves the cute girl. Meanwhile Sasha runs out of the hay and kills the remaining terrorists*

America: Wow.


*Everett pulls the pin on a grenade and prepares to nuke some hidden terrorists, only to pull the rug back and see its innocent civilians. He throws the grenade away and it takes out half the house*

Warlock: Why didn’t he just put the pin back?

America: Maybe it wasn’t that type of grenade?


*Everett punches Kirilenko for risking their lives to save the woman. Everett says never do that again. Hamburger shakes Kirilenko’s hand*

Warlock: Tough being a hero.


*Meanwhile Vladimir looks over his mounds of gold while taunting someone*

Warlock: What a heel.


*Kirilenko reveals he’s an old friend of Vladimir. He went his way, Vladimir went his own way. Now he’s trying to stop him*

Warlock: At least SOME character development is good.


*Everett has team check for mines*

Warlock: Watch out for claymores.

America: Those are NOT claymores. If they’re trip mines, they don’t need to be poked at.


*Plane takes off after Flanders says air strike is imminent*

America: I love how their airstrike is one lone F-16 that isn’t armed.



*Everett’s team discovers mines all over the place. Meanwhile Anslow and Flanders yell at each other. Anslow says Everett’s man would die to save Flanders’ family*

Warlock: What a speech.


*Flanders tells Anslow to fuck off and says the air strike is on*

Warlock: Can somebody shoot him?


*Sasha steps on a mine and blows*

Warlock: IDIOT! He should have held his position until someone brought him a rock.


*Team charges the bunker and gets some of them killed. Meanwhile someone finds Sasha legless. They laugh with each other until Sasha dies*

Warlock: Ehhhhhhhh


*Kirilenko tosses grenade into bunker, the terrorists blow*

Warlock: Why didn’t they do that originally.


*Marines have shootout with tank gunners*

Warlock: Ok…we’re nearly done with the movie. They’re supposed to be after this terrorist and they’re not even close to finding him.


*Vladimir is on his way and Kirilenko turns heel, taking Everett and his team hostage. Meanwhile the gold is being loaded. Kirilenko was the rat all along*

Warlock: That was predictable but not totally.


*Vladimir taunts Everett. He and Kirilenko laugh and leave arm in arm*

Warlock: Former best friends, still best friends.


*Hamburger, Guillen, Westlund, Essex, Everett and Larby are still alive. Meanwhile Kirilenko and Vladimir drink and celebrate. Kirilenko admits that he makes 58 dollars a month, Vladimir is stunned. Kirilenko wants to prove his loyalty by killing an American. Kirilenko then switches back face and helps the team escape. They overpower some terrorists and go their separate ways*

Warlock: Wonderful

America: What is he a triple agent?


*Kirilenko comandeers a truck but Vladimir shoots him down. Vladimir commandeers the truck. He whistles as he drive*

Warlock: A nice relaxing Sunday drive.


*Everett jumps in the back of the truck as Hamburger catches up to Kirilenko. They share bonding moments before Kirilenko dies*

Warlock and America: Ehhhhhhhhhhhhh


*Anslow says to cancel the air strike. The unarmed F-16’s fly away. Meanwhile Everett and Vladimir fight on the moving truck*

Warlock: The final battle.


*The truck of gold crashes as Everett and Vladimir fly out of it. Vladimir is captured*

Warlock: Wow.


*Hamburger wrestles Vladimir to the ground but Everett says they need him alive. Everett reports to Anslow they got Vladimir alive. They tell Flanders the gold is destroyed. When Flanders signs off, Everett tells Anslow they have the gold. They leave Vladimir to the Russian citizens and walk away*

Warlock: He’s gonna the Kadaffi treatment.


*Movie ends with Vladimir executed*

Warlock: At least they had the right ending.



Mr. America’s Assessment: 3.5….I give the point five for the actual apache.

The Warlock’s Assessment: I give it a 3 out of 10. Some good things, LOT of bad things.

Final Grade: 3.0…..Trash


*Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: Mr America was right, that was a pile of shit. It wasnt even about American marines as it was ongoing Russian affairs. They couldn’t even get that right.

America: We waited 11 years for that?

Warlock: Good news is, its over.

*Warlock flicks his wrist and the dvd cover flies to his hand, he flicks his other wrist and the dvd pops out of the player and into the dvd box. He goes over to the two empty slots that Mr Wallstreer created and puts Marines into an empty slot*

America: You know we still have one more to do, right?

Warlock: Unfortunately.

America: Can I just pull the pin on my grenade instead?

Warlock: No…..and everyobe else, have a pleasant evening.


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