*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a blue wife-beater and jeans, black gargoyle shades and white sneakers. He’s holding a glass of Barq’s root beer*
Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.
*Warlock opens his palm and flame emanates, he closes his palm and he walks inside*
Warlock: Tonight is a fan request. Someone said this movie was utter trash and I figured to give it a shot.
Neyz: So what pile of crap are we doing?
Warlock: Fatal Attraction. The story of a cheating husband who’s girlfriend goes complete psycho on him.
*Neyzor Blades is sitting in the recliner in standard attire*
Neyz: So who’s the bad guy here?
Warlock: That’s what we intend to find out.
*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*
Warlock: So let’s get started with Fatal Attraction.
*Warlock reads the tag-line*
Warlock: “A married man’s one night stand comes back to haunt him when that lover begins to stalk him and his family.”
Neyz: I have no love for cheaters.
*We opens with credits with no music as dawn approaches*
Warlock: The calm before the storm.
*Ellen Gallagher (Ellen Latzen) watches You Can’t Do That On Television while Beth Gallagher (Anne Archer), her mother, tries to get her ready. The father Dan Gallagher (Michael Douglas) reads the paper with headphones on*
Warlock: Yes! I loved that show.
*The telephone rings and Dan answers in his underwear*
Neyz: Nice yellow labador
*Hildy (Ellen Foley) is on the phone. Beth is brushing her teeth in her underwear*
Warlock: Nice granny panties.
*Beth and Dan are on their way to a party. Ellen draws on herself with lipstick*
Warlock: Damn kids.
*Dan wonders where his blue suit is. Beth drops something and says “Shit, shit , shit.” Ellen walks away and says “Shit, shit shit”
Neyz: Kids repeating their parents.
Warlock: We all did it.
*Christine the babysitter (Jane Krakowski) walks in and Ellen greets her with a present*
*The party is packed. The guests (Jonathan Brandis, Joe Chapman, Judi M Durand, Lillian Garrett, JD Hall, Barbara Harris, Rocky Krakoff, Carlo Steven Krakoff, Amy Lyne, David McCharen, Larry Moss, Mio Polo, Jan Rabson, Marilyn Schreffler, Vladimir Skomarovsky, Dennis Turfano and Lynnanne Zager) all banter*
Warlock: What a crew.
*Dan says hi to Chuck (Marc McQue) and says he’s in the cellar. He says Beth’s hair is perfect. He runs into Bob Drimmer (Mike Nussbaum) who apologizes for the meeting called the next day*
Warlock: He better apologize for the crummy neck brace he has on.
Neyz: Oh stop it.
*Dan and his friend make fun of a Japanese dignitary when the friend spots Alex Forrest (Glenn Close) she leers at them and walks away*
Warlock: She looks HIDEOUS! Great character appearance.
*Bartender (Thomas Saccio) serves Alex as Dan laughs with her about leering at his friend, now known as Jimmy (Stuart Pankin). Dan introduces himself and asks what she’s doing here. He says he’s on the legal team and she says she’s the new editor. Dan has to go and says it was nice to meet her*
Neyz: She doesn’t look that bad.
Warlock: I guess, its 80’s hair so she gets pass.
Neyz: Oh you’re so kind…
*Beth says goodbye to Christine and Dan has to take Quincy the dog for a walk. Dan “You did such a good business boy.”
Warlock: How come you never compliment me for that?
Neyz: Are you fucking kidding?
*Dan can’t sleep in his own bed, Ellen took his spot*
Warlock: Sick the dog on her.
Neyz: Will you stop?
*Ellen and Beth go on a trip, leaving Quincy and Dan alone. Dan goes to the big meeting with Bob, Jimmy, Alex and others. Dan asks if the story they’re publishing is based on a real story and Alex says yes. Bob keeps talking and Dan flirts with Alex without using words*
Warlock: The seeds are planted.
*Dan can’t get his umbrella open in the rain, Alex walks up to him, neither can get a cab. They go and have a drink. He babbles on about representing his mother’s divorce case. Beth laughs. Alex lights up a cigarette and asks if he’s discrete, he says yes. She says she is too*
Neyz: I don’t like this.
*Alex says she stood up her date that night, Dan says his wife is in the country. Alex says he’s with a strange girl being a naughty boy. Dan pretty much says if she wants some action, its up to her. Dan respects her honesty. She says they’re two adults. Dan says to get the check. Next frame i them fucking on his kitchen counter*
Neyz: Cheating scumbag.
Warlock: Michael Douglas was 43 at the time, Glenn Close was 40. So if anyone tells you that your sex life is over at 40, hogwash!
Neyz: He does have a nice ass.
Warlock: I can’t see her yet, can’t tell you.
*She turns the faucet on as they fuck*
Warlock: Multitasking, does her and the dishes.
*He carries her to the bed and they continue. Later on they lie in bed watching a ceiling fan*
Warlock: I’d rather watch the lampshade.
*Alex takes Dan to a salsa dance club after they finish*
Warlock: His ballbag would be killing him if he came.
*Alex molests him in the elevator to her apartment. She starts tearing off her dress and they go at it again*
Warlock: She does look good for 40, 80’s hair excluded.
*He finishes her off in the elevator, he drops her off and walks home*
Warlock: Well that was fun?
*Dan gets home and checks his answering machine. His wife says to call her in the morning*
Warlock: Ruh roh.
*Grandma answers when Dan calls and Dan asks for Beth. She asks what happened to him, he said he had dinner with Bill last night*
Neyz: Who’s Bill?
*Beth says Ellen wants a rabbit and he snaps at her. Beth says she’s staying there another day to avoid traffic and as soon as he hangs up, Alex calls. She asks where he was and he says he left a note. She wants his company and he tries to blow her off but she insists. He thinks about it and goes to see her*
Warlock: Maybe he shouldn’t have.
*Alex and Dan run with Quincy ant the dog. They tackle each other. Dan plays dead and Alex falls for it. She says her dad died of a heart attack in front of her when she was 7 years. He says he’s sorry but then she starts laughing and says her dad is alive and well, living in Phoenix. Dan ‘Ya got me’
Warlock: Got me too.
*Alex cooks spaghetti while listening to opera. They share character development as Dan explains one of the only times his father was nice was comforting him during a production of Madame Butterfly*
Warlock: That play was actually good.
*Quincy talks to a pigeon outside*
Neyz: Awww its a gizzards.
*Alex wonders why the only interesting guys are married. Dan says he’s been married for 9 years with a 6 year old girl. She asks why he’s here and says she wants to see him again. He tries to backtrack by saying she’s terrific but he’s married. Alex tells him calmly “Just my luck”
Warlock: Can’t really feel sorry for the guy.
*Next frame shows them sleeping together naked. He wakes up and says he has to go home. She says she doesn’t like how he always runs away rafter they have sex. She gets mad and starts ripping his shirt and punches him before pouting in bed*
Neyz: Brought it on himself for fucking with another woman’s emotions.
*He asks what her problem is and she is sorry. He says to be reasonable and she correctly says he used her and now is going home to his wife. He tries to justify and she says not to. “If you told me to fuck off I’d have more respect for you.” Dan “All right then, fuck off.” She screams “AND YOU GET OUT!” She starts crying as he gathers his clothes and goes to leave. She says to say goodbye nicely and be friends. He walks up to her and kisses her as she cries. She wraps her arms on his face and he asks why her hands are all wet. He looks down and Alex has slit her wrists*
Neyz: Oh come on, I don’t like it.
Warlock: Woahhhh yeah.
*He sticks her hands in the sink and wraps a tourniquet around her wrists. He runs around trying to bandage her up*
Neyz: She’s psycho!
Warlock: Can’t say he didn’t deserve it.
*He leaves her sleeping and makes a phone call to his wife. She overhears it and is sad. Next day Dan consoles Alex and tells her he’s leaving, promising to call her. He runs home, unmakes the bed and feeds the spaghetti his wife made to the dog. He goes to the office and his receptionist Martha (Lois Smith) asks why he’s there. He says he’s way behind*
Warlock: Yeah right.
*He comes home and Ellen runs up to him. He kisses Beth and she says she should go away more often*
Warlock: Don’t say that.
*Ellen says grandpa showed her a trick. They laugh with each other about rabbits. Beth asks when she’ll look at the new house they want to move to, he says tomorrow morning. He goes with her and the real estate agent (Justine Johnston) says its a wonderful place. He walks upstairs and says its his new den. They kiss*
Warlock: Something has to go wrong or there would be no moving.
*Eunice the receptionist (Eunice Prewitt) says someone is there to see Dan. Its Alex and Dan isn’t happy. He brings her to his office as Jimmy protests. He says he was going to call her that day. She says its embarrassing but she apologizes. Dan says nothing happened*
Warlock: We just imagined the whole thing.
*She invites him to see Madame Butterfly no strings attached and Dan says he can’t. Alex says she’ll see him around and he hugs her. He tells her to take care and she leaves. He breathes a sigh of relief*
*Alex sits alone in her apartment with lights flickering listening to opera*
Warlock: Oh yeah, she’s nutzo.
*Jimmy bowls with Dan, Beth and Jimmy’s wife*
Warlock: 7 pins is better than a gutterball.
*Back and forth montage of Dan having fun with Alex alone pouting*
Warlock: Great imagery.
*Dan walks with Arthur (Fred Gwynne) and talks business*
Neyz: Isn’t that the judge from My Cousin Vinny?
*Alex calls Dan as Dan says he’ll see Arthur on Tuesday. Dan answers and tells Alex not to call him at work. He tries to let her down lightly*
Warlock: He brought this on himself.
*Dan tells his secretary if she calls again, tell her he’s not there. Beth and Dan bond in the mirror*
*Jimmy and Hildy are over Dan’s apartment having fun with Dan and Beth. He cracks up the table with several jokes. Jimmy raises a toast to Dan for getting in tight with Arthur and moving to the country. The phone rings and Beth answers. Dan is concerned as Beth keeps saying “Hello, hello” before hanging up*
Warlock: Something….is afoot!
*Dan is in bed with Beth sleeping. Its 2:13 AM and the phone rings. He answers and its Alex pacing around back and forth. She grills him for not answering and says to meet her at 6 pm tomorrow and hangs up*
Warlock: Well isn’t this wonderful.
*He meets her at 6 and he yells at her to go away. She tells him she loves him and he’s not buying it. He asks if she understands how he has a whole relationship. Alex drops a bombshell that she’s pregnant*
Neyz: Oh how the tables have turned.
*He asks how she knows the baby is his and she coldly tells him she doesn’t sleep around. He says he’s sorry. He says he’ll pay for the abortion and she asks why she would do that. She says she wants to have it and he starts freaking out. She says she’s 36 and this is her last chance to have a baby*
Warlock: 40 in real life but who’s counting.
*Alex “You play fair with me, I’ll play fair with you.”
Warlock: Why do I smell blackmail?
Neyz: Because it is.
*Beth is reading to Ellen as Dan goes over paperwork. Later Dan waits for Alex to leave her apartment and buzzes himself in. He breaks into her apartment and searches for something*
Warlock: What the hell is he looking for?
Neyz: The pregnancy test.
*Dan finds a scrapbook where there’s a cut-out obituary of Alex’s father who really did die in 1959. Next frame he hits up the library to tell Jimmy everything. He asks Jimmy for advice and he doesn’t know what to do either. Dan says he doesn’t want to lose his family*
Warlock: Should have thought of that before fucking Alex.
*Alex is on her bed on the phone, apparently Dan had their number changed. She tells the operator she needs the new number and the operator says he can’t give it out. Alex “WELL FUCK YOU!” Operator “Your place or mine?” She hangs up*
*Dan nearly gets run over by a car on his way out of the office*
Warlock: Hahahaha look both ways buddy.
*Dan walks into his apartment and none other than Alex wants to buy it when they leave. Alex is talking to Beth and Dan walks in with a priceless look on his face*
*Alex introduces herself and admits they met at the party weeks before. Dan is skeptical and is forced to tell her where he’s about to move to*
Warlock: Well there goes his escape plan.
*Alex has told Beth she’s expecting and Dan says he has some work to do*
Warlock: He’s about to dive out a window.
*Beth says she’s going to give Alex their new number*
Warlock: Oh fuck.
*Beth shows Alex the door and she says she’ll keep in touch. Once she leaves Dan tries to play it off but he’s obviously miffed. He then goes to Alex’s apartment and she buzzes him in. He walks in and yells at her. He wants to stop everything but she points out that the baby is his. Alex protests about being ignored*
Warlock: She’s supposed to be the villain but I can’t help but feel sorry for her.
Neyz::Yeah he’s a scumbag.
*Dan “You’re sick!” Alex “Why? Because I won’t allow you to treat me like some slut you can just bang a couple times and throw in the garbage?”
Neyz: Hear hear.
Warlock: Again, I’m on her side on that one.
*Dan is speechless and she says she wants a little respect. He goes to leave and she says she’ll tell his wife and he throws her against the wall and says if she does, he’ll kill her*
Warlock: So who’s the bad guy here?
*Alex goes to call Beth but can’t do it. She throws the phone*
Neyz: That’s so sad.
*Next frame is Dan’s family moving into the country house. He’s moving stuff around when the phone rings. He is relieved because its Martha. Next frame shows Beth painting when the phone rings. She answers and Dan asks if the plumber came yet. Dan got Ellen the rabbit*
Neyz: Awww its a gizzards!
*Martha hands Dan a package on his way out. The parking attendant is nowhere to be found. Dan grabs his keys and makes his way to his car. Alex has blown up Dan’s car. He calls Beth and says he’ll be home in a little while. Dan rents a car to drive home and Alex follows close behind. He pulls out the package he got and its a cassette tape by Alex. Its a distraught Alex saying she’s obsessed with him and she’s carrying his child. All she wants his to be a father*
Warlock: You know what the sad thing is, if he was friendlier to her, he may have gotten away with it.
*Alex throws a quarter in the toll both as she continues to follow him*
Warlock: Nice shooting stranger.
*Alex ends the tape by calling him a cock-sucking sonovabitch and a flaming faggot*
Warlock: Hahahahaha that’s hilarious.
*Dan brings the rabbit inside with the tape still in his hand as Alex watches from outside. Ellen loves the rabbit, meanwhile Alex looks on distraught before running to throw up*
Warlock: Again, who’s the real villain?
*Dan walks upstairs to his attack and listens to the tape again*
Warlock: Why doesn’t he destroy the tape so his wife won’t find it?
*Beth sneaks up on Dan and he freaks out*
Warlock: That almost made me jump too.
*Dan goes to the police lieutenant (Michael Arkin) to file a complaint against Alex for his “friend”. The LT gives him advice, basically he’s screwed unless he can catch her in the act of doing something wrong*
Warlock: All he has to do is call her every now and then, yeesh.
*Dan, Ellen, Beth and Quincy go for a drive to the grandparents. They share bonding moments. They drive home*
Warlock: I got a bad feeling….
Warlock: I hope I’m wrong.
*Beth walks in the kitchen and there’s a boiling pot on there*
Warlock: Oh no….no no no….
Warlock: Rabbit stew….
Neyz: NOOO, I’m not looking.
*Sure enough, Whitney the Rabbit is in the boiling pot*
Warlock: Don’t look.
Neyz: I’m not.
Warlock: Well, they had to do something to establish her as the villain, she was getting the sympathy vote.
*Dan has to talk to Beth. He says he knows who did it. He says Alex did it. She says she’s scared. He admits he had an affair with her*
Warlock: Oh god….this is gonna suck.
*Dan tries to apologize*
Neyz and Warlock at the same time: *Gives finger*
*Beth starts crying. She asks why she would do this and he says she’s pregnant. Beth freaks completely out and yells at him, waking and scaring Ellen*
Warlock: Again, hard to feel sorry for him.
*Dan packs up and then calls Alex. He says its over because Beth knows. She says he doesn’t have the balls. He hands Beth the phone and she tells Alex that if she ever goes near her family again, she’ll kill her. She hangs up*
Warlock: Up until she killed the rabbit, she was the victim.
*Alex hangs up the phone. Next frame Dan is still thrown out and he’s on the phone with Ellen. He says to tell Beth that he loves her and Ellen wants him to call tomorrow*
Warlock: Trying to re-establish him in the sympathetic role.
*Beth goes to pick up Ellen but she’s not there. Everyone says she already left. Beth can’t find her and says to call the police. Next frame shows Alex with Ellen at a boardwalk arcade*
Warlock: Oh ho ho this is not gonna end well.
*We get a back and forth montage of Alex and Ellen having fun with Beth freaking out. Beth nearly runs someone over in her car as Ellen rides a roller coaster with Alex*
Warlock: The life of the party.
*Beth plows into someone in a state of shock as Alex drops Ellen home safe. Next frame Ellen is at the hospital with grandma Joan (Meg Mundy) and Dan runs in asking if Beth is okay. The nurse says Beth is fine and it could have been worse. Dan walks in and grandpa Howard (Tom Brennan) is there with her. Dan cries at her side and next frame is him driving through traffic*
Warlock: Careful, we’ve seen enough accidents.
*Dan waits outside Alex’s apartment for someone to leave so he can enter, which he does. He rings Alex’s bell and he breaks in. She’s in a white dress and he tackles her but she gets away*
Warlock: Final battle?
Neyz: Boss fight.
Warlock: 18 minutes left, too much time.
*He throws her in the bathroom and she kicks him in the nuts.He chases her through glass and he tries to strangle her, but then stops himself. They huff and puff*
Warlock: Well that was fun honey.
*She attacks with a knife but he disarms her. They stare at each other and he puts the knife down. He backs away slowly and leaves. Back at the police station Dan rants and raves to the LT. He asks what can he do, he says they may get her for kidnapping. Dan leaves and tucks Ellen in for the night*
Warlock: NOW its time for the final battle.
*Beth runs a bath and Dan gets a phone call saying Alex is missing. Beth’s arm is in a sling and she has a black eye from the result of the car accident. Dan gets painkillers for Beth and she asks for a cup of tea. Dan goes downstairs and locks the door*
Warlock: Its a bit late for that.
*Beth turns the bath off as Dan fills the kettle. He locks every door he can find*
Warlock: Try the roof next.
*Beth wipes away the condensation and Alex is right behind her with a knife*
Neyz: That was scary!
*Beth asks why she’s there. Alex goes on a rant about instant attraction as the faucet is still running, overflowing the tub. Alex is cutting herself with the knife. Quincy the dog notices the flooding but not Dan. Alex calls her a stupid seflish bitch and swipes at her Dan can’t hear them over the tea kettle whistle and the two women fight. The knife is knocked away and finally Dan hears the screaming and runs upstairs*
Warlock: About time!
*Alex just misses cutting Beth when Dan runs in and tackles her. She cuts him a few times but he tackles her into the tub and tries to drown her. Eventually she stops kicking and Dan thinks she’s dead. A full minute passes with her underwater.and then she pops up…only for Beth to shoot her in the chest with Dan’s gun*
Warlock: NOW its over.
*The LT takes Dan’s statement.He walks back in the house and hugs Beth. They walk away as the camera zooms in on the family picture. End credits*
Warlock: Good ending.
Neyzor Blades Assessment: Good story but I don’t like scary. 6 out of 10
The Warlock’s Assessment: The problem with the movie is that its supposed to be Dan the victim and Alex the stalker but up until the rabbit is killed, you couldn’t help but feel sorry for Alex. Its great for the slow burn heel turn, but for moral purposes you’re thinking Dan is a scumbag the whole movie. I give it a 6 out of 10
Final Grade: 6 out of 10 – Good
*The Warlock rises from the couch*
Warlock: That was very interesting. It wasn’t a complete pile of crap but you couldn’t feel sorry for the protagonist or hate the antagonist for most of the movie. Which is good for the most part, but still, anyone with a brain isn’t going to boo the bad guy and cheer the good guy when its not as cut and dried. Guess that’s what makes it special. That about wraps up another goodtastic adventure. Have a pleasant evening.