PREVIOUSLY ON WARLOCK’S MOVIE REALM
The Warlock and Neyzor Blades are watching Alien.
“Neyz: What song is that?
Warlock: You Are My Lucky Star.
Neyz: You know it?
Warlock: I cant sing it but I know its from Singin In The Rain”
*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a white dress shirt, black tie, black dress pants, black shoes and no shades. He’s holding a wine glass of Dr. Pepper*
Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.
*Warlock tapdances a number before going inside. Neyzor Blades is in the recliner looking at him funny*
Neyz: Did you just tapdance?
Neyz: I didn’t know you could do that.
Warlock: There’s a lot of things you don’t know. Like what tonight’s movie is.
Neyz: Yeah I do, more crap.
Warlock: Not this time. No, tonight’s movie is a classic musical. Singing In The Rain.
Neyz: What the hell are we watching this for?
Warlock: I’ll tell you in my Assessment later.
*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*
Warlock: So let’s not delay, let’s get started with Singin In The Rain.
*The Warlock reads the tag-line*
Warlock: “A silent film production company and cast make a difficult transition to sound”
Warlock: This was set when movies were still silent.
*Movie opens with musical intro with Don Lockwood (Gene Kelly), Cosmo Brown (Donald O’Connor) and Kathy Selden (Debbie Reynolds) in raincoats performing a bar of Singing In The Rain before the opening credits*
Warlock: Recognize Kathy?
Warlock: You will.
*We’re in front of the Chinese Theater in Hollywood where Dora Bailey (Madge Blake) has the play by play. Several of hollywood’s biggest stars are coming out to see the latest smash movie The Royal Rascal starring Don Lockwood and Lina Lamont (Jean Hagen). The first guest is Zelda Zanders (Rita Moreno). Some idiot stands and shouts “ZELDA, OH ZELDAAA!!!!”
Neyz: Obsessed much?
*Zelda is led on the red carpet by J Cumberland Spendrill the Third (Stuart Holmes). She mugs for the camera*
Neyz: That’s Lady T’s pose.
*Next is Olga Mara (Judy Landon) the exotic movie star with her husband Baron de la Bonnet de la Toulon (John Dodsworth)
Neyz: That’s a mouthful
Warlock: *facepalms* Translated, his name is Baron Hat of Toulon.
*Next on the scene is Cosmo Brown and nobody cares*
*Cosmo is the piano player for Don and Lina and also Don’s best friend. He takes a backseat as Don and Lin arrive to rabid fans dying for their attention. One girl in the crowd faints*
Neyz: So ridiculous.
*Dora asks if they’re going to get married and Don says they’re just friends. Dora asks how he got his start in Hollywood and he completely bullshits with what REALLY happened in a montage. Don “Dignity, always dignity.” Don says he was enrolled in dance school where he met Cosmo and they performed for mom and dad’s society friends. What really happened is Cosmo played the harmonica and Don tapdanced at a local pool hall until the owner threw them out*
Warlock: Hahahahahaha what a bullshitter.
*Don says if he was good he would accompany mom and dad to the theater. They brought him up on Shaw, Moliere and the finest classics. What really happened was he and Cosmo would sneak into the theater to watch monster movies*
Warlock: Me and Mr.Wallstreet as kids.
*He says he and Cosmo had intense musical training at Conservatory of Fine Arts. What really happened is he played the fiddle and Cosmo the piano at a dive bar. He says they rounded out their apprenticeship at an exclusive dramatics academy. What really happened is they performed cornball skits at “Amateur Night*
Warlock: Me and Mr. America in high school.
*He says they embarked on a dance concert tour at some of the finest symphonic halls in the country. What really happened is they sang Fit As a Fiddle in plaid suits in some of the least known towns in the country. He says audiences adored them but they got booed off the stage*
Warlock: Our first real musical number.
Neyz: This is dreadful to watch.
*Finally Don says they made it to sunny California (its raining) where they were stranded…errr staying when movie studio offers started pouring in*
*Don says they made the choice of Monumental Pictures when in reality they were working as the sound crew. Luna is fighting with Bert (Bill Lewin) in a Western setting when Phil (Richard Emory) shows up and punches him out. The director Roscoe Dexter (Douglas Fowley) admonishes Bert for falling down instead of over the bar. Bert is out cold and Roscoe is beside himself*
Warlock: Good stunt doubles are hard to come by.
*Don in the flashback runs up and tells Roscoe he can take the bump. They reshoot the scene and Lockwood goes head over heels over the bar when punched. Roscoe says he’s their new stuntman. We get a montage of Don doing dangerous stunts while current Don in a voice-over said his roles were urbane, sophisticated and suave (they’re not). He says Lina was warm and helpful throughout when in reality, she blew him off as a commoner. Roscoe runs up with the producer R.F. Simpson (Millard Mitchell) and Simpson says he’s a fan of his work. Simpson says he’s ready for a lead role and now Lina’s ready to give him attention. He asks if she’s busy and she shakes her head no. He says “That’s funny, I’m busy.” and blows her off. She responds by kicking him in the ass*
Warlock: Heh, she kicked his ass.
Neyz: So childish.
*Don says ends his epic speech as Dora hypes them up as they hit the theater. Next scene is the actual movie. Its silent and there’s no sound*
Neyz: There’s no way I could sit through that.
Warlock: I could, but only if it was short. Back then they didn’t have a choice, now it would be foolish.
*In the movie, Don is attacked by a bunch of French assassins and he wipes them all out, kissing Lina to end the movie*
Warlock: What a hero.
*Lina tries to talk on stage after the movie and Don cuts her off every time to thank the fans and say goodnight. She blows mocking kisses to the crowd as Don rushes her off-stage*
Neyz: Why is he cutting her off?
Warlock: You’ll see.
*Rod (King Donovan) is backstage with Simpson and Cosmo as Don and Lina get back. They glad-hand each other until Lina goes on a tirade in a very annoying, high pitched voice*
Warlock: Now you get it?
Neyz: Nails on a chalkboard.
*Rod “You’re a beautiful woman and the audience think that you have a beautiful voice to match. The studio’ gotta keep our stars from looking ridiculous at any cost.” Cosmo “No one’s got that much money.”
Warlock and Neyz: Bahahahahaha
*Lina demands Rod write her a speech so she can memorize it. Cosmo sarcastically says to go out and recite the Gettysburg Address. She calls him a nobody*
Neyz: What a bitch.
Warlock: Hahaha can you imagine her standing there reciting the Address as the crowd either leaves, hurls garbage or falls asleep?
*Lina calls Don her fiancee and Don blows her off. He says there’s nothing between them and Rod says they should go to R.F’s party in separate cars to break up the mob. Once alone, Don says he can’t get her away even though he’s clearly not interested. Cosmo says to be thankful “Look at me, I got no glory, I got no fame, I got no big mansions, I got no money, but I’ve got….” Don “What do you got?” Cosmo “I gotta get outta here.”
*On their way to Simpson’s party, Cosmo’s car gets a flat. While Cosmo goes to fix it, a mob of fans rush Don and yells out for Cosmo to call him a cab. Cosmo literally calls him a cab and Don says “Thank’s a lot” as he runs away*
Warlock: I gotta try that sometime.
*Don climbs a trolley car and jumps into a car driven by Kathy Selden. She freaks completely out and he tries to explain himself but she pulls over and calls a cop. The cop recognizes him and shoots the shit with Kathy looking stunned. Don explains what happened and the cop tells Kathy she’s lucky. Don asks to be taken to Camden and Sunset and they introduce themselves. Don quotes Cosmo and he hits on her really badly*
Neyz: He’s awful.
Warlock: Yeah, and she was about 20 at the time, him 40.
*She says she doesn’t go to the movies much because “If you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all.” Don is taken aback and asks why. She claims they just look around and pose because they don’t talk or act*
Warlock: That’s why I never got into silent movies. You and I could do that shit.
*She drops him off and he gets pissed. He asks what she does and she claims she’s a stage actress. He starts patronizing her and she doesn’t like it. She calls him a shadow and she pushes him away. He says he’s not going to molest her and tears his jacket when it gets caught in the car door. She laughs at him*
Warlock: He called her Ethel Barrymore, that’s hilarious.
*Kathy drives up to Simpson’s house, apparently she’s going to be performing for him later. The party is ridiculous with Olga and the Baron dancing horribly*
Warlock: I can dance better than that.
Neyz: That is so ridiculous.
*Don finds Cosmo and asks if he’s a good actor. Simpson and Lina show up and Don is mad “Hellooooo Lina”
*Simpson says he has a surprise and someone has invented a talking picture. The guy (Julius Tannen) pre-recorded his voice on a record and synchronized it with his actual speech to give. The fat man (Paul Maxey) is convinced its Simpson behind a screen but RF is right behind them*
Warlock: And that’s how they did it in 1927.
*RF tells Rod, Cosmo and Roscoe that the Warner Brothers plan to make The Jazz Singer their first ever talking picture. They all scoff at it and Roscoe says it’ll never amount to anything*
Warlock: How wrong they were.
*Kathy bursts out of a cake and Don spots her. “Well, if it isn’t Ethel Barrymore” He taunts her as she goes into a dance number with a bunch of girls.
*The girls perform “I Dream of You”
Neyz: The cat’s meow?
*Don continues to taunt her and she gets mad. Lina shows up and calls her a dame. Don takes Lina’s side and says she’s lofty and far above them all. Kathy grabs the real cake and throws it at Don’s head but he ducks and Lina takes it in the face*
Neyz: She had it coming.
*Lina screams as Don tries to calm her down. Cosmo joins in “Lina you never looked better”
*Don runs off after Kathy but she already hightailed it out of there. Next frame is Don walking around Monumental Pictures saying hi to people. He walks up to Cosmo who says The Jazz Singer is an all-time smash. Don says his next movie is called The Dueling Cavalier which is a French Revolution story. Cosmo has the plot already figured out*
Warlock: Bahahaha look at that idiot in the background.
*Cosmo says “If you’ve seen one you’ve seen them all” and it reminds Don of Kathy. Cosmo says its been 3 weeks since that night and Don says she hasn’t seen her since she got fired for chucking a cake at Lina*
Warlock: Saw that coming.
*Cosmo performs Make Em Laugh which can’t be described, it must be seen to be appreciated. Warlock sings along in perfect harmony with most of the mannerisms*
Neyz: How did you do that?
Warlock: Years of practice.
*Next frame is Don dressed in costume complete with powdered wig. Lina says anyone who wore wigs like that is a dope. Lina confronts Don about Kathy and admits she got her fired. Before he can complain, Roscoe says action. They fight with words but their mannerisms are for the movie purposes*
Warlock: The one advantage to a silent picture, you can say whatever the hell you want and there’s no microphone to pick it up.
*Don calls Lina a reptile and kisses her. Roscoe says cut and he pulls away disgusted. She says he couldn’t kiss her and not mean it and Don says he’d rather kiss a tarantula. She says he doesn’t mean that and Don says “Hey Joe, bring me a tarantula.”
Warlock: Hey bring me a tarantula.
Neyz: You know I hate spiders.
*Simpson barges in and says to stop filming. Roscoe screams everyone go home. Simpson says The Jazz Singer was such a smash success that they need to do a talking picture of their own. Cosmo sings a song from the song and Simpson cuts him off*
Warlock: Darling little mammy down in Alabamy
Neyz: Stop that.
*Simpson says Cosmo is the head of the new music department. Simpson wants The Dueling Cavalier to be a musical. Simpson “Picture it, Lamont and Lockwood, they talk!” Lina “Well of course we talk, don’t everybody?” Roscoe, Simpson and Don all turn and look at her in total disgust*
*Montage of talking musicals is shown before we get Jimmy Thompson performing Beautiful Girls with Kathy Seldon as one of his girls*
Warlock: Finally we see her again.
*Simpson asks who she is and Cosmo recognizes her. The director says she’d be good as Zelda’s kid sister and Zelda looks mortified. Cosmo runs off to get Don, meanwhile Warlock sings along with the singer*
Neyz: How do you know all these songs?
*The director introduces Kathy and Don with Cosmo in tow runs up to her. Kathy admits she hit Lina with the cake and it was meant for Don. Simpson tells Don he was about to hire her and Don says that’s great. Simpson asks if he speaks for Lina too and Don says he’s the studio head. Simpson says she’s hired*
Neyz: Awww yayyyy.
*Don and Kathy share bonding moments before Don takes her inside an unused movie set. He cues up the lights and goes into “You Were Meant For Me”.Warlock sings along*
Neyz: Again…how the hell do you know this?
*Newspaper ad says big bonanza for diction coaches. Next frame we see Phoebe Dinsmore (Kathleen Freeman) tries in vain to get Lina to speak perfect English.
Warlock: Recognize her from somewhere?
Warlock: Its Ms Olin from Hocus Pocus.
Neyz: No way!
Warlock: Yup, she’s ageless.
*Lina sucks at English and Don isn’t much better with his coach (Bobby Watson) but at least he has Cosmo with him. He starts going over hilarious phrases as Cosmo makes faces first with him and then at him. Don and Cosmo go into “Moses Supposes” Warlock joins in, including the tap dancing number*
Neyz: Ok I give up, you win.
*Warlock, Cosmo and Don “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!”
Neyz: I give you an F.
*Back at the studio, they’re going for the first take on the talking picture. They can’t hear shit because Lina isn’t talking into the mic. Roscoe says to talk into the mic in the bush, Phoebe tells her to speak in round tones*
Warlock: Hahahaha I love it. In the bush!
*Gene asks Roscoe if he can change some dialogue. Roscoe says sure but INTO THE BUSH! Quiet! ROLL EM!” Second take Lina is all over the place and Roscoe cuts. He says to talk into the mic and Lina says she can’t make love to a bush*
Warlock: I ca…..
Neyz: Don’t even think about it.
*Roscoe’s next idea is hiding the microphone in her corset. Phoebe tells her to pick up heavy A’s and Roscoe patronizes her. They try a third take but the mic picking up her heartbeat. The fourth take has the mic on her shoulder. Roscoe “Quiet…roll em….”
Warlock: He’s had enough.
*Simpson walks in and nearly trips over the mic chord. He pulls the chord and Lina goes flying. Roscoe has a mental breakdown*
Warlock and Neyz: Bahahhahaha
*Don and Kathy pull up at the Chinese Theater for a preview of The Dueling Cavalier. Cosmo cuts them off and say to enter separately because Lina is lurking somewhere. The movie gets underway and the sound is all over the place. The slightest things make noise and the dialogue is so corny people begin laughing their asses off*
Warlock: Greatest unintentional comedy ever.
Neyz: I cahnt stand em!
*Roscoe “She never could remember where the mic was*
Warlock: This embarrassing.
*Don “I love you I love you I love you I love you love you love you” Some guy “Did somebody get paid for writing that dialogue” The sound the goes out of synchronization and the dialogue is all out of order. Yes, yes yes, no no no. People could of the theater making fun of it. RF says they’re ruined. Everyone says how horrible it is. Lina “I liked it”
*Cosmo, Kathy and Don are in Don’s house. Don calls himself a fraud and says Kathy was right all along. Don says Lina was the only thing worse than him. Cosmo and Kathy try to cheer him up. Kathy gets the great idea to get Dueling Cavalier into a musical. Don finally gets into it and says he’s in. They go into “Good Morning” with Warlock singing along.
Neyz: Fuck it, go ahead…
*They laugh at the end of their song but suddenly Don gets serious. He says they can’t make a musical. Kathy asks why and Don has one word “Lina.” They all get sad. Cosmo “She can’t act, she can’t sing and she can’t dance”
Warlock: Makes a perfect Kardashian doesn’t she.
*Kathy then laughs at when the sound gets out of synch. Cosmo then gets the bright idea of having Kathy overdub Lina’s voice. Don is skeptical because he wants Kathy to have her own career. She says its fine because she wants to save Lockwood and Lamont*
Warlock: A real hero.
*Kathy kisses Don “Don you’re a genius.” Cosmo “I’m glad you thought of it.” Kathy “Oh Cosmo” She kisses him and he falls off the couch. Next frame Kathy and Don share a goodnight kiss as he walks away in the rain. He then goes into “Singing in the Rain” with Warlock singing along*
Neyz: For once you have the sound down.
*At the end of the number he splashes around until a cop (Brick Sullivan) shows up to stop him. Don gives his umbrella to some old guy (Snub Pollard) and struts off. Cosmo and Don pitch the idea to Simpson and he likes it, only they need a new title. Cosmo “I got it, The Dueling Mammy”
*Cosmo “I’ve got it….nevermind.” They pace around and Cosmo goes “The Dancing Cavalier”
Warlock: That’s more like it.
*Simpson says they need a new plot. Cosmo says a young aspiring broadway goer tries to make it big, then one night during a production he’s reading A Tale of Two Cities when a sandbag falls and hits him in the head. He dreams he’s back in the French Revolution where they use modern dance numbers but use the costumes as well*
Warlock: He came up with that in 7 seconds?
Neyz: He’s better than you.
*Simpson “Sensational, remind me to give you a raise.” Cosmo “Hey RF” Simpson “Yeah?” Cosmo “Give me a raise.”
Warlock: That was quick.
*Kathy sings Would You perfectly as Lina sings it badly*
Warlock: I sing better than Lina.
*They finish filming and watch it back with Kathy’s overdub and Simpson, Cosmo and Don think its amazing. Simpson says after this, they’re going to make Kathy a big star. He asks what’s left to film and Don says a scene and a number. RF asks what and Don says its something he’s worked on called Broadway Melody. We go into a huge production of Broadway Melody*
Warlock: Its like a movie within a movie.
*Don as the “hoofer” dances for various talent scouts but two of them blow him off. The final one takes him to a dance club where he peforms Gotta Dance….until he runs into a smoking hot dancer in a green dress.
Neyz: Who is that?
Warlock: Cyd Charisse. My grandmother hated her.
Warlock: Just watch.
*The dancer puts on an exotic dance number to seduce Don as her gangster boyfriend (Robert Fortier) looks on*
Warlock: Now you see it, that was basically a striptease for 1952 standards.
Neyz: Tame now.
Warlock: Well yeah, 60 years later.
*Hoofer goes to kiss her but the gangster stops him and pulls her away. Meanwhile the talent scout pulls Don aside and we get a montage of Hoofer moving up the ranks from Burlesque to Vaudeville to Broadway*
Neyz: I prefer Vaudeville.
*Hoofer is at a high rolling casino glad handing everyone until he spots the smoking hot dancer. He daydreams of romantically dancing with her for a good few minutes. When he comes to he goes to say hi but she blows him off, giving him her coin she got from the gangster. He walks away dejected in a white top hat and coattails until another Hoofer shows up and we finally end the segment*
Warlock: Yeah really, a movie within the movie.
Neyz: And it flowed so well.
*Simpson and Cosmo say the Melody is a fantasic idea. Simpson says “Don’t let Lina know about the re-dub. Kathy finishes the dub and Don says after this is over, he’s going to expose Lina and let everyone know how he’s in love with Kathy. All of a sudden Lina walks in with Zelda in tow, she’s pissed.”
Warlock: Ruh roh.
*Don says he’s in love with Kathy but she doesn’t get it. Lina says she’s finished and Cosmo shows up and says if it wasn’t for Kathy, SHE’D be finished. Lina says who would ever heard of her and Don says everyone. That’s why Zelda is scared shitless. Lina finally figures it out that Kathy gets the full credit for the talking and singing. She goes on a rant and says she makes more money than Calvin Coolidge….put together*
Warlock: That was my mom’s favorite line.
Neyz: The president?
*Lina’s dastardly plan was to go to the press, over the head of Simpson, and tell them she’s going to be doing all the singing and dancing. Simpson and Rod are pissed. Lina walks in and blackmails both Rod and Simpson by saying she can sue for using Kathy and Simpson says fine, Kathy’s out. Lina’s evil plan is have Kathy going on dubbing for her instead of go off on her own career. Simpson says he won’t stand for it*
Neyz: What a bitch!
*The movie premiere is at the Chinese Theater. The Dancing Cavalier ends with “Would You” Cosmo sits with Kathy in the front row. After the final curtain Lina unveils her master plan and Don is pissed. They run back and forth between taking bows on stage and arguing in the back. Don calls her a boa constrictor*
*Don tries to talk sense into Simpson. Lina then goes nuts saying Don doesn’t matter and Simpson doesn’t matter, she’s taking over*
Warlock: She’s lost it folks.
*Don says the crowd wants Lina to give a speech. Lina says she’s gonna talk for herself. Don says let her do it. Simpson and Cosmo get it and they let Lina sink herself with her natural god awful voice*
Warlock: Nice set up.
*The crowd wants her to sing. She runs to the back and Don does the 3 Stooges huddle with Simpson and Cosmo. They tell Rod to set up a microphone and Kathy will overdub for her. Don and Simpson pretend to be mad at her and Kathy takes it personal, saying she never wants to see him again. Lina says she’s going to sing Singing In The Rain in A flat*
Warlock: This autta be good.
*Simpson, Don and Cosmo mock Lina as Kathy sings the overdub. They then pull up the curtain to expose Lina as a fraud. Cosmo pushes Kathy out of the way and sings as the crowd roars. Kathy runs off crying as Lina storms off. Don runs up and says Kathy is the real star. Don professes his love by singing “You’re My Lucky Star” Warlock DOESN’T sing along*
Neyz: What? You’re not singing?
Warlock: I….I don’t know the words.
Neyz: WOWWWW….Mr Know It All doesn’t know the words. Isn’t this amazing.
*Movie ends with Don and Kathy kissing after looking at a billboard of themselves credited for Singing In The Rain by Monumental Pictures*
Neyz: Awww yay.
Neyzor Blades Assessment: I loved it, it was a fun, classic movie. 7 out of 10
Warlock’s Assessment: People always ask me what my favorite movie is. Some of my favorites are Aliens, Predator 2, The Warriors and others…but my answer shocks everyone. THIS is my favorite movie of all time. 10 out of 10….it bridges the gap between my childhood and today.
Final Grade: 8.5 out of 10 – Brilliant
*The Warlock rises from the couch*
Warlock: AND THAT’S THE BROADWAYYYYYYY MELODDYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
Neyz: You’re not Gene Kelly.
Warlock: Oh my darling little mammy, down in Alabammy
Neyz: Cut it out!
Warlock: Oh the hell with it. This is my favorite of all time and nobody is going to change my mind.
*Warlock tapdances as Neyzor Blades facepalms*
Warlock: *sings badly* HAVE A PLEASANTTTTTTTT EVENINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!