99. Air America (1990)

Air America

*Mr. America opens the door to the lair. He’s wearing green camo fatigues, vest and hat along with black combat boots and aviator shades. Hes holding an M16 Assault Rifle*

America: Happy Memorial Day and welcome to the lair. I’m your host Mr. America.

*America spots a few joggers and opens fire. They run away screamimg with their arms flailing over their heads*

America: Don’t worry, just blanks.

*America heads inside*

America: Sonce today is a national holiday, The Warlock sought fit that I take over for a day.

*The Warlock is in the middle of the couch wearing a white wifebeater and sneakers, blue jeans and black gargoyle shades*

Warlock: Yup, take it away.

America: Tonight is a personal favorite of mine. Air America starring Mel Gibson and Robert Downey Jr.

Warlock: This should be good.

America: Of course its going to be goid. I chose the movie, not you.

Warlock: Hey that’s no fair..

America: Shut up

*America takes his seat in the recliner*

America: Let’s get this Memorial Day party started then. Its time for Air America.

 

*Mr. America reads the tagline*

America: “A young pilot finds himself recruited unwittingly into a covert and corrupt CIA airlift organization operating in Vietnam War Era Laos.”

Warlock: The only truth about that is the CIA really did hire American pilots to fly in covert air missions.

 

Mel Gibson – Gene

Robert Downey Jr – Billy

 

Mr. America: Am I the only one who sees the opening credits and thinks this is going to be a Disney movie?

Warlock: Yeah.

Mr. America: Air America, brought to you by Disney.

 

*Graphic  Laos: 1969*

Warlock: My dad was there.

 

*Free Ride by Edgar Winter Group plays over the credits*

Warlock: That song came out in 1973, this is 1969…bungholes.

 

*Pig breaks free from wooden cage*

America: Run away pig…AWAY…not in circles.

 

*Random civilian fires musket and hits plane*

Warlock: He hit it? Nice shootin.

 

*Gene watches Richard Nixon (himself)  lie about Americans in Laos*

Warlock: That was bullshit.

 

*Falling debris takes out half the bar*

America: Whoops.

 

*Rob (David Michael Grant): Is he dead? Gene: If he’s not, he’s very calm.  Rob: We’re not here right now.”

 

*Billy flies around LA listening to Pushin Too Hard by The Seeds*

Warlock: That’s actually time appropriate.

 

*Billy is an air traffic reporter flying a helicopter. He and a trucker  (Ernie Lively) getting into a shouting match because the trucker is blocking traffic*

 

*Love Me Two Times by Aerosmith as Billy reads a letter saying he’s been suspended*

Warlock: Another non-time appropriate song but its a good one.

Warlock: Neither are we.

 

*Billy lands in Laos with a baseball bat and listens to some combat radio program with Gene as Rob makes a speech*

Warlock: I’d rater listen to Good Morning Vietnam.

 

*Jack (Art LaFleur) takes Billy’s bat and cuts a promo. Billy doesn’t like it but Gene calms him down*

America: Bah!

 

*C-123 Provider rolls by*

America: That is a very crowded flightline.

 

*Babo (Tim Thomerson) rides with Gene and Billy who’s flying. Babo has an uzi*

Warlock: BRICK BARDO!

America: Yes! Yes!

 

*Gene and Babo freak out Billy by telling a story of how Gene got his toe shot off*

Warlock: Robert Downey Jr was 25 at the time. He looks it.

 

*Major Lemond (Ken Jenkins) tells Rob that Harry Truman was selling cheap suits in Missouri before getting into politics and dropping an atomic bomb*

Warlock: That IS a fact.

 

*Senator Davenport (Lane Smith) gets off the plane and greets everyone*

Warlock: Its Trotter from My Cousin Vinny

America: Oh yeah.

 

*General Lu Soong (Burt Kwouk) insults Rob as Davenport laughs*

Warlock: Wow, what morons.

 

*Gene freaks out Billy by landing on a mountain*

America: Oh calm down.

Warlock: I love how we got Dollman and Iron Man in the same movie.

 

*Billy sees villagers approaching and runs to grab an uzi. Gene talks him out of it. Babo “Don’t do that”

Warlock: Hahahahaha

 

*Villagers have stolen guns and want to sell them to Gene*

Warlock: Ohhoho look at the hardware!

 

*Billy complains about Gene running guns, Gene says its his retirement plan*

Warlock: He ain’t kidding.

 

*Billy is flying a Pilatus PC6 and nearly crashes into the mountain while Gene and Babo color*

America: Very entertaining doing coloring books while Billy is flying through fog.

 

*Davenport chills with the pilots before leaving. Meanwhile Babo dances with some girls. A coverband plays Long Cool Woman In A Black Dress*

Warlock: The song came out in 1972 dammit.

America: You’re too bent up on appropriate songs.

Warlock: Its supposed to be 1969.

 

*Billy drinks with Rob. Rob says they can’t lose the war*

America: Boy are you mistaken!

 

*Major and Rob hit up an heroin den and tell them to take a week off. General Soong refuses and the Major says fine*

Warlock: What was he gona do, say “Yeah sure we’ll shut down.”?

 

*Billy: I’m used to being the weirdest guy in the room and now I’m not even in the running.”

Warlock: Good line.

 

*Gene and Billy hit up a mini golf course as Jack shoots at an iguana with a silenced pistol*

Warlock: A miss!

 

*Pirelli (Ned Eisenberg) gets mad because Jack shot his golf ball*

Warlock: Fore!

 

*OV (Marshall Bell) wakes up Billy*

Warlock: Isn’t he from Starship Troopers

America: Oh yeah.

 

*Rescue Me by Aretha Franklin plays as Billy is hung from a chopper by the chest. He eventually gets into it and starts doing flips*

Warlock: Nice song.

 

*Gene and Billy’s mission is to pick up Senator Davenport. Rob and Major tell him not to let him in on all the shit that goes down*

Warlock: Yeah let’s not all get arrested now.

 

*General Soong is with Davenport. General Soong says “You take care of shit!”

Warlock: Hahahahaa

 

*Soong: “I not going from Warlord to Liquor Store Owner!”

Warlock: Good.

 

*Corrine (Nancy Travis) explains the village to Davenport and Gene*

Warlock: I remember her from Eight Men Out.

 

*Davenport drinks with Rob and Major and Davenport is concerned about possible drug dens. Major says the drug running IS going on but blames the pilots, not himself. Major pledges to find the culprits*

America: He gets away with it if he finds a scapegoat.

Warlock: Of course.

 

*Billy and Jack are going to fly cargo for Rob. Pigs, rice and something unnamed*

Warlock: This is not gonna end well.

 

*The rice is unloaded but Kwanh (Chanarona Suwanpa) falls with it, pulls himself up as Billy freaks out. Jack laughs at him and snaps his picture*

Warlock: Hahahaha

 

*The pigs are unloaded but cannons are fired at the plane. Jack freaks out but Billy tries to calm him down. The engine is hit. Gene in a different plane tries to calm them both down. They go to make an emergency landing. Jack can’t get the manual landing gear to go. Kwanh jumps with a parachute on*

America: Wheeeeeeeee!

 

*Billy tells Jack to jump. Jack takes a moment to yell at him before he jumps. Billy says he’s afraid of heights. Jack jumps nd the chute pulls okay….but a watch tower spots him and shoots him down*

Warlock: Nice going idiot, could have stayed with you.

 

*The plane starts to blow*

Warlock: How is Billy still alive right now?

 

*Billy manages to stop the busted up plane after the engines and tail all blow off*

Warlock: Least the cows on the ground are okay. By the cow wins best supporting actor.

America: Shut up, I’m taking a moment of silence for the airplane.

Warlock: Blame the Vietnamese, not me.

America: Shaddup, I’m not blaming you, I’m taking a moment.

Warlock: Are you ready?

America: Yeah I’m ready.

 

*Billy, Kwanh and Jack wait to be rescued*

Warlock: I thought Jack was dead.

America: Guess not.

 

*A plane lands and they think its American. Its Soong*

Warlock: This isn’t going to go well.

 

*Billy think he’s being rescued and helps Soong’s men load the heroin. Soong leaves them behind. Jack lets him know that was opium he loaded, Billy had no idea*

Warlock: How naieve can he be?

 

*Gene makes a daring rescue to save Billy as the other two are on a different plane. Gene’s chopper is shot down with him and Billy in it*

Warlock: Stop hanging around.

America: That’s TWO airplanes.

Warlock: That’s not an airplane.

America: Fine, a helicopter!

 

*Gene dives out of the crashed chopper and is okay. Billy jumps and lands next to him*

Warlock: They’re alive…yayyyyyyy.

 

*The other pilots look for Gene and Billy as Run Through The Jungle plays*

Warlock: That song came out in 1970…dammit.

 

*Billy and Gene banter as they walk through the jungle*

Warlock: Glad they’re okay.

 

*Major and Rob banter in a restaurant. Soong shows up and starts breaking up the place. Nino (Harvey Jason) says Soong’s opium has been crap. Major tells them both to calm down*

Warlock: Guess we established who the heels are.

 

*Gene and Billy make it to a brook*

America: Nice and sunny!

 

*Villagers capture Billy and Gene. Gene explains that they’re pissed about something. Billy is freaking out but Gene remains calm*

Warlock and America: Hahaha.

 

*Gene makes a deal in native language to sell his guns to them to get away. Gene goes home to his wife (Sinjai Plengpanit) and kids (Natta Nantatanti and Purin Panchipan). Billy and Gene get cleaned up. They banter some more*

Warlock: Good character development.

 

*Gene gives his life story and Billy understands him better*

Warlock: I’ve seen so many bad movies that this is a first in a long time.

 

*Davenport wants Rob and Major to investigate the opium den. Meanwhile the body of Jack is carried in on a stretcher*

Warlock: Oh no…

 

*The pilots have a moment of silence for Jack, shutting up Rob in the process*

Warlock: Damn….

 

*Soong sits with Davenport and Gene. Gene lets it slip about opium, Davenport wants to know where its coming from and if Jack Neely was behind it. Gene picks up Jack’s coffin and tells Davenport no, Jack wasn’t*

Warlock: What was he gonna say, yes?

 

*Gene angrily drinks at the bar. Gene says he’s getting out of the business and the pilots razz him about it. He says Davenport is on the hunt for pilots and he’s getting out while he can*

Warlock: Wow.

 

*Billy says he just bought some grenades and he’s going to have some fun. Gene is concerned. Billy sneaks into the nearby opium den*

Warlock: Oh this is gonna end well.

America: Hmmmm.

Warlock: They’re watching I Dream of Jeannie in there.

 

*Billy sets a trio of grenades and tapes them together.He pulls the pins, sets a bomb and runs. The whole den blows and Billy runs away. Later on Soong knows it was Billy. Major tries to do damage control. Major says he’s got a scapeggoat. Rob nods his head as Major takes 2 kilos for sabotage*

Warlock: Something…

America: Is afoot!

 

*Next day Billy says he feels better. Gene says he only shut down the den for 3 hours. Babo loads Billy’s cargo. Meanwhile Soong want’s Corrine’s village moved for his opium fields. The dispatch says Billy has to go for routine inspection. Babo says he’s never been inspected before. Billy says to check the cargo before they land. Meanwhile on the ground, Major, Rob and Davenport are waiting for them. Meanwhile Billy has Babo cut open the bags to find opium. Babo finds it as Billy notices the military police waiting for him. The fuel light is on. Billy says he’s going to land on a nearby airstrip. Babo says they’re VSF “Very severely fucked”

Warlock: Hahahaha.

 

*Babo spots the old plane Billy crashed and asked if he was a valet driver*

Warlock: Bahahahaha.

 

*Babo asks what Billy is gonna do when they hit the ground. Billy says he’s working on it.”

Warlock: OOoooh isn’t this exciting?

America: Settle down will ya?

 

*Billy’s idea is to kamikaze into the old airplane. They are alive. Babo radios for Gene. Gene answers. Gene is on his way. Meanwhile Babo and Billy plan what to do next.Billy’s plan was to hideout. Meanwhile Rob, Major and Davenport are looking for them. Davenport then points the finger at Major. Major “You can’t get me without cutting your own throat. Know why? The president loves my ass!”

Warlock: Weird line but effective.

 

*Gene shows up in his plane. Babo and Billy hop in. Gene says he has one more drop off and he’s home free. Gene tells the others Soong’s troops have taken over the village. Back at the village, Corrine signals for mayday. Gene hears it. He and Billy debate whether to rescue her*

Warlock: Not a great time for a debate.

 

*Gene comes in as Gimmie Shelter by Rolling Stones plays*

Warlock: Love the soundtrack.

America: Awesome soundtrack.

 

*Corrine says to dump the cargo so the village can be saved. Gene has to make a choice, save the town or his retirement plan. He chooses to save the town*

Warlock: What a humanitarian.

 

*Gene takes down Billy then unloads the guns he was smuggling*

Warlock: There goes his retirement plan.

 

*Gene blows up the cargo with one of Billy’s grenades, leaves with the villagers, Corrine, Billy and Babo on board*

Warlock: All that money…I think I’m gonna be seasick. Moment of silence.

America: For what?

Warlock: You wanted a moment of silence for the planes, I wanted one for the guns.

America: Ughhhhh

 

*A duck quacks on the plane*

Warlock: At least Daffy made it.

 

*Gene says he’ll get the money back by selling the plane. Billy says you can’t, its government property. Gene reasons they’re not here so technically the plane isn’t either*

Warlock: Ha!

 

*Graphic: Major Lemond was indicted during the Iran/Contra investigation. He was pardoned, promoted and sent to Panama to help Manuel Noriega keep drugs out of America*

Warlock: Oh wonderful.

 

*Rob Diehl was called before a Senate Committee during the investigation. He repeated the phrase “I have no clear memory of that, sir” 115 times.*

Warlock: I protest, it was 116!

 

*General dsoong got the Holiday Inn of his dreams. He also became a major force in the California Savings and Loan business*

Warlock: So the bad guys win?

 

*Gene Ryack joined his family in Thailand. He started 6 business which failed, in 1975 he won the Thai State Lottery*

Warlock: Ha.

 

*Billy Covington went to Thailand and eventually became a computer whiz. In 1976 he was deported for fixing the Thai State Lottery*

Warlock: Ok that was funny.

 

 

Mr. America’s assessment: I’ll give it a 7 out of 10

The Warlock’s assessment: I’ll agree, 7 out of 10

Final Grade: 7 out of 10

 

*Mr. America rises from the recliner*

America: Classic, it wasnt the best movie ever but it was definitely fun. They had legitimate airplanes and historically accurate events for the most part. I don’t know about Warlock but I liked it.

*Warlock gets up from the couch and walks in his bedroom*

America: And now a treat for everyone.

*Warlock tosses America the flying V guitar and Warlock plugs in his bass. Warlock turns on a prerecorded Mr Wallstreet drum beat and they play Gimmie Shelter*

Warlock: War…children…its just a shot away…ITS JUST A SHOT AWAY!

*America plays the solo*

America: Have a pleasant evening and a wonderful Memorial Day.

 

 

 

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