*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a gray wifebeater, blue jeans, white sneakers, black gargoyle shades and an NCIS hat. He’s holding a glass bottle of pepsi*
Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.
*Warlock levitates and zooms into the lair. Mr.America is on the couch with a brown paper bag on the ottoman. He’s wearing green camo fatigues, vest and hat along with black combat boots and aviator shades*
Warlock: Stealing my seat today?
America: I’m not gonna eat my lunch in the recliner.
America: Just start the damn movie. What are we watching anyway? And whats with the hat?
Warlock: I’m glad you asked. Tonight we begin NCIS Appreciation Month!
Warlock: A whole month devoted to the US Navy and NCIS.
America: Honoring the military, can’t really complain about that.
Warlock: Tonights movie to kick off the month is Purgatory House, a 2004 indy film about a girl that dies and goes to purgatory instead of heaven or hell.
America: What the hell does that have to do with the navy?
Warlock: Absolutely nothing.
America: So why are we watching this?
Warlock: Brian Dietzen is in it.
America: Oh okay.
*Warlock sits in the recliner and nearly falls backwards head over heels. He catches himself and sits up straight*
Warlock: Could have at least set the damn thing straight.
America: Oh shut up.
Warlock: Anyway, its time for Purgatory House.
*The Warlock reads the tag-line*
Warlock: A rebellious and angst-ridden teenager finds a possible chance to redeem herself in the afterlife after prior years of drug addiction and frustration.
America: Don’t tell me this is a gigantic religious ad…..
*menu screen music hits*
America: Oh my god, Indy music. Its gonna be one of THOSE movies.
*Mr. America opens his food bag*
America: Oh great, I got salad.
*Graphic and voice-over “When I was 13, I hated my life”*
America: You would have loved the music scene led by Nirvana
Warlock: Everybody hated their lives, join the club.
*Warlock realizes that Mr. America put on the extra feature*
Warlock: Hey hey HEY that’s not the movie.
America: Well we’re off to a lovely start.
*Free Dream Pictures*
Warlock: False advertising, this movie was not made for free.
*Blurry opening credits*
America: Camera guy, focus!
*Mr. America takes a bite of burger*
America: This burger is really hot.
*The church says Prison on it while the song is Don’t Fear The Reaper by Blue Oyster Cult*
Warlock: Great song, terrible CGI*
*Priest (Ben D’Aubrey) holds sermon with really bad strobe effects as Silver (Celeste Marie Davis) pouts*
America: What the?
Warlock: This was written by a 14 year old.
*America looks around*
America: Where’d I put my coke?
*Silver wakes up in her bed*
Warlock: I’m lost already.
America: Hi sleepyhead.
*Voice-over denounces god and says it brought her to suicide*
Warlock: So she’s dead?
America: I think so.
Warlock: Oh boy, the movie’s over, she’s dead!
*Silver explains she’s in neither heaven nor hell, but purgatory*
Warlock: So she’s not in heaven or hell.
*Voice-over goes on for a minute*
America: Stop babbling!
*Silver says the house is like normal, except everyone is dead*
Warlock: Zombie Hell House?
*Silver gets food from the chef (Nasty Nes) as we get a roundtable of Spiky Hair, Curly, Afro, Bitch Face and Jack (Ryan Wolfe)*
Warlock: What a bunch of clowns.
*Silver asks if Spiky Head is Wiccan, the guy yells at her*
Warlock: I can act better than him.
*Excited guy (Devin Witt) says hooray for oatmeal*
America: This guy is WAY too excited for oatmeal.
*Excited guy tries to hit on Silver. Sam (Johnny Pacar) is on the rebound*
Warlock: Are we gonna get any names?
*Saint James (Jim Hanks) leads Silver to her room. He says he wants an essay on how her friends and family are doing*
Warlock: That does sound like hell.
*Sam listens to a really bad cover of Magic Carpet Ride*
Warlock: That is the worst cover I’ve ever heard.
*Sam gets math homework answers over the phone*
Warlock: The charlie brown teacher is on the other line.
*Sam’s mom (Kathryn Skatula) gives him 20 dollars and says they’re meeting Silver’s parents later*
*Teacher (Katrina Gourley) tells the class to settle down despite nobody talking or moving*
Warlock: SETTLE DOWN?
America: Settle down??? If there was a gust of wind that moved the potted plant on the desk, that would have been more active than how the kids were.
*The teacher introduces Marsha (Cindy Baer) who talks about teen suicide*
Warlock: So no last name?
America: I don’t know, but we interrupted the lesson plan on communism to talk about offing yourself.
Warlock: Which is worse?
America: They’re too late to save Silver.
*Marsha wants to talk about Silver killing herself 2 months ago. Nobody cares*
America: Nobody cares.
*Sam says he was there when she died*
*Graphic shows every student with problems. Smoker, Prom Queen, Alcoholic, Drug Addict, I Hate My Life, My Dad Hits Me, Molested, etc*
Warlock: What a jaded fucking movie.
*Flashback shows Celeste (Rhiannon Main) absolutely destroying Silver’s personal character in a hate filled rant*
Warlock: She just dropped the hammer.
America: Some relationship.
*Celeste tells Silver not to talk to her anymore*
America: I remember those days.
*Silver’s Dad (Howard Lockie) gets married in Vegas to some foreign lady (Frankie Hernandez) by an Elvis impersonator (Chuck Cavanaugh)*
Warlock: This is disgraceful.
America: No, I don’t thank you. I don’t thank you very much. Shitty Elvis.
*The wedding patrons are shown*
America: Who the hell is Cowboy Hat?
*Warlock: This is the worst cover of I Will Survive I’ve ever heard*
*Sam is kissing some new girl in real life as Silver looks on from Purgatory. Saint James tells her that this is normal for people alive*
*Silver asks about Atticis. James says he’s interested in her*
Warlock: What the hell kind of name is Atticis?
America: An old school computer tool.
*Saint James says God is a woman*
Warlock: Dogma agrees.
*Excited guy is Atticis. He and Jack want to fight. All they do is roll around*
Warlock: Worst fight scene ever.
America: All they’re doing is rolling around.
Warlock: Jack goes for the snap mare.
*Sam tries to get Silver to shoot heroin. She refuses. Guy sitting next to her tells him to buzz off. He leaves. Guy tries to white knight her*
Warlock: White Knight Award goes to…..
America: Buddy your bleeding heart is gonna keep bleeding….
*Silver “You think I like how my boyfriend sends me a love letter with Kronik laced with PCP*
*Saint James tells all the dead kids that none of them are going anywhere anytime soon*
Warlock: That’s a first.
*Jack “Who wants to share with this group?”
America: OOOH OOOH OOH ME ME ME!!!
*Silver gives a speech why they’re all there*
America: You look like you’re having so much fun!
*Silver lights a match for every waste such as drugs, alcohol, sex and suicide*
Warlock: Sex is a waste??
America: News to me.
*Silver says they’re all dead because they all made a mistake*
Warlock: What a speech. My ass just bleeds for them.
*Silver says Jack is the house butt-wad. Afro says Silver has it going on. She rejects him*
America: He’s still in his pajamas.
Warlock: Yeah, outstanding dialogue. Butt-wad….lovely.
*Atticis says his life was good. He says he killed himself by accident because his gf was suicidal and wanted to send her a message*
Warlock: He pulled the Diana Hart trick….
America:…..and it failed.
*Atticis invites Silver to his room. He’s playing an acoustic guitar*
Warlock: Oh god, more shitty music.
*Atticis wants to know how to get out of Purgatory House. He says Saint James told him Silver knew. She says she has to go. He smiles at her*
Warlock: Come on dude.
America: Do something dude.
*Silver leaves as Warlock throws his hands up in disgust. America tosses the remnants of his burger at the tv*
Warlock: You gotta be kidding.
America: You totally had her dude! You suck!
*In a flashback, Sam leads Silver to his drug-dealers house. Jessie (Erik Jester) answers the door. He says his parents are in Malibu*
Warlock: I should go there.
*Silver uses the bathroom as Jessie and Sam watch tv. Really crappy indy song plays as Sam takes too many pills in another flashback*
Warlock: Jesus H Christ, enough with the flashbacks.
America: She is friggin stuffing pills.
Warlock: Those better be sugar pills or something in real life.
*Silver writes on her mirror in lipstick “In memory of Silver 1987-August 2, 2001*
Warlock: So it took 3 years to make this turd?
America: More god awful indy music.
Warlock: No its not, that’s a HORRIBLE version of We Are The Kids of America.
America: Oh my god you’re right.
Warlock: We had the real Don’t Fear The Reaper to start and its gone downhill since then.
*Sam realizes Silver’s not good and Jessie downplays it saying she’s just lit. Sam freaks out and goes to call 911, Jessie tries to talk him out of it*
America: God damn it.
*Silver’s alarm goes off at 5 AM*
Warlock: I’m a nightowl, I’d just be getting in.
*Silver dials Saint James and orders red lipstick. He shows up immediately with it*
Warlock: My goodness, that was fast.
*Silver: “I am so…sick…of red!”
Warlock: What are you yelling at me for?
*Saint James says you can’t leave heaven or hell, but purgatory house yes*
*Actual Spirit in the Sky plays as Silver ascends with cgi*
Warlock: Finally a good song.
*America and Warlock sing along*
Warlock and America: When I day and they lay me to rest we’re gonna go to the place that’s the besttttttttttttttt!!!
*Silver goes up to God, who’s really Saint James in drag and God makes her play a game show with some random Ghost (Brian Dietzen). Warlock stands*
Warlock: ASSISTANT CORONER JIMMY PALMER IN THE HOUSEEEEEEE!!!!!!!
*God gives her a tongue lashing and sends her to Purgatory House. He says she will be forced to live for all eternity in the same clothes and makeup she died in and have and endless supply of drugs that she can’t OD on*
Warlock: So cheesy.
*God: “Don’t bother praying to me, cause I don’t care!”
Warlock: Hahaha that’s funny.
*Flashback of Silver meeting Saint James. Silver will be 14 forever, same clothes, drugs, etc*
Warlock: How many more flashbacks are we gonna get?
*Silver watches her funeral from Purgatory. Celeste says Silver was her best friend. Her dad will miss her, so will Sam. Silver “All these people ever did was hurt me.”
*Saint James says she needs to forgive everyone if she wants to move on. Meanwhile we’re back with Silver and Atticis*
Warlock: Second chance dude, take it!
*Silver asks if they want to get wasted. Atticis “Let’s go!”
Warlock: Wonderful, more drug use.
*Atticis purposely sneezes on the mirror of cocaine*
Warlock: She don’t lie, She don’t lie, She don’t lie…..
Warlock: Why couldn’t THAT song play?
*The house kids babble on about heaven and hell*
Warlock: The world is full of kings and queens who blind your eyes and steal your dreams.
America and Warlock: ITS HEAVEN AND HELLL!!!!!!!
*Silver babbles on and on, nobody listens, they just eat oatmeal*
Warlock: If they’re dead, why do they need to eat?
America: I don’t know.
*Sam’s mom, Sam, Sam’s dad (David Lindstedt), Silver’s dad, foreign lady read a letter by Silver saying Sam’s a drug addict and her father hated her. Sam points the finger at her dad, her dad wants to get him help*
Warlock: I need help to get through this movie.
*Flashback of Sam’s dad wanting her to come to the garage with him. He holds a bag of weed up and says its his stash and will throw it away for her. She is shocked and runs away*
Warlock: What was that?
*Back to Purgatory house, Silver dreams of good times with her father. Suddenly we get a strobe effect dream of Atticis saying she’s dreaming. She wakes up*
Warlock: So nothing happens, she just wakes up.
*Silver dreams of Atticis bringing over movies to watch with her*
Warlock: What did we do to deserve this?
America: You’re the one who wanted to watch this.
*Atticis “What other 15 year olds get drunk and fall off a mountain?”
Warlock: I thought he OD’d.
America: Yeah really, what’s this fall off a mountain shit?
Warlock: Did the writer forget what happened earlier?
America: This is terrible.
*Silver and Atticis draw on each other*
America: What…huh? What is this called again?
Warlock: Purgatory House.
America: Whoever wrote this really, REALLY doesn’t appeal to me.
*Silver dances to the crappy version of Magic Carpet Ride. Atticis joins her*
Warlock: Come on….go for it.
America: The time is now.
*Siver dreams of dancing with Atticis in a prom like setting. Massey (Jennifer Hinton) tells them to follow them. Silver wakes up and finds out Massey died. She wasn’t actually dead, she astro traveled there by accident. Her earth body died and so she died. She went to Heaven because she didn’t kill herself*
Warlock Astro traveling? So this movie was Insidious before Insidious. I’ll give a point for that.
America: Whatever the point is or whatever the message is, whatever the epiphany is…I’m fucking lost. So whatever goes on or whatever happens, fine, I’m just gonna run with it.
*Silver watches her old class and writes Purgatory sucks on her arm*
Warlock: Well she can’t get skin cancer because she’s already dead.
*Silver puts her head down and misses someone shooting up her class*
Warlock: That would have been cool….if they showed it.
*Atticus comes over for real with movies. She asks him how he died. He reveals he fell off a mountain, just like the dream said. Apparently they both had the same dream.*
Warlock: Wow….wish I could do that.
*Atticis and Silver try to devise a plan to exit Purgatory. Silver says to visit everyone in dreams*
Warlock: Are they going to kiss yet?
*Silver “Melancholy, the root of all evil*
Warlock: I thought it was money.
*Silver goes on a montage speech including her switching outfits and colors*
America: Since when did she go Casper?
Warlock: This is painful.
America: Ohhhhhh huh huh huh, this is baddddddddd.
Warlock: This is the movie that’s gonna break us.
America: Bubble wrap?
Warlock: Why is she in bubble wrap?
*Silver wakes up and there’s a note under her door*
America: A note!
*Atticis writes that he got everyone but Jack on board with the mutiny. He says he had fun the night before*
America: Awwwwww, he loves her!
*Silver is oblivious as one of her classmates shot up the school and killed himself to really bad cover of Sky Is Falling*
America: Dropped your pen!
Warlock: 12 minutes of torture left.
*Silver puts a pen in her mouth*
Warlock: I got something for her to suck on….
America: You sick bastard.
Warlock: A lolipop!
*Silver writes “Please God, we want a second chance” She cries*
*The kids all hold hands and chant. Atticis: I guess this is it*
Warlock: Kiss her you sonovabitch!
America: Yes, do it!
*Atticis and Silver share a kiss as we get a fading out speech of existence with several group seances*
*The whole entire movie rewinds to the beginning*
Warlock: What in the name of hell?
America: Let me help you with that.
*America hits fast forward until Silver wakes up in the hospital. Meanwhile Atticis wakes up next to her. The doctor is Saint James…..end credits*
Warlock: Fuck it…sure…whatever.
America: WE MADE ITT!!!!!
*Mr. America’s Assessment: That was woooof…oh ho hooooo, oh man…oooh weee…..Fuck….I’m lost. I give it a 2. The message was good but the production was awful.
The Warlock’s Assessment: I give it a 1.5. Almost the worst movie of all time…but not, for two reasons. 1. Don’t Fear The Reaper and 2. Spirit In The Sky. That alone, saves it from Dead Clowns territory.
Final Grade: 1.5 out of 10 – Almost the worst of all time.
*The Warlock rises from the recliner*
Warlock: That was one of the worst movies I’ve ever watched. Maybe its because I didn’t grow up in a broken home but I didn’t get the appeal at all. It wasn’t confusing, it was just boring. We’re off to an auspicious start for NCIS Appreciation Month.
America: If this is what’s to come, I quit.
Warlock: You realize we’re doing Top Gun eventually right?
*America pops up like Popeye*
America: Why didn’t you say that?
Warlock: Have a pleasant evening.