54. Special Forces (2003)

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*5 days before. The Warlock is having a Skype chat with the Mysterious Benefactor*

Warlock: I got a list of the stuff I need, only problem is there are movies on there from 10 years ago.

*pause*

Warlock: You have a few of them? Which ones?

*pause*

Warlock: Woah woah woah, run that back.

*pause*

Warlock: Can you send the fourth one you mentioned?

*pause*

Warlock: Let’s just say…unfinished business.

*Present day. The Warlock is outside waiting for a package. He’s wearing a black leather jacket, t-shirt, gargoyle shades, white sneakers and blue jeans. Eventually Darnell the Delivery Guy drops off a package. Warlock tears it open a crack and smiles. He then enters the lair. Mr. America is on the right side of the couch. He’s wearing white camo fatigues, vest and hat along with black combat boots, dog tags and aviator shades. Mr. Wallstreet is in the recliner. He’s wearing a purple double knot suit with a green tie and black loafers.*

Wallstreet: What movie are we doing today?

Warlock: Yeah…about that..we have a little problem.

Wallstreet: What?

Warlock: You’re gonna have to sit this one out.

America: What, why?

Wallstreet: Yeah, what gives?

Warlock: *points to America* Come here.

America: Oh my god…why?

*America walks over. Warlock opens the package and shows him what’s inside. America goes bug eyed*

America: No way…

Warlock: Yes way.

America: This is it?

Warlock: The one.

*America turns to Wallstreet*

America: Yeah, Warlock is right. You’re out of this one.

Wallstreet: Are you kidding? I sat through Sharknado, Chop and Final Examination. I’m sure I can handle whats in your hand.

Warlock: Its not about that. This is unfinished business.

Wallstreet: Uh, I’m the businessman. If there’s business you come to me.

America: Not this time. This is something personal we need to do ourselves.

Wallstreet: What do you mean?

*Warlock points to his vast collection*

Warlock: Let me show you.

*Wallstreet gets up and goes over to where America and Warlock are standing*

Warlock: 10 years ago Blockbuster was selling off some dvds known as the American Heroes series. There were 3 of them there. I got the first two, Air Strike and Air Marshall. The third…as you can see…eluded us.

*Warlock points to a spot where a dvd is missing from its spot*

America: Until now.

Wallstreet: What’s the movie called?

Warlock and America together: Special Forces.

Warlock: Since the two of us started this series, its only fair that the two of us finish it.

Wallstreet:  Ok I get it, maybe Bloomberg is on.

*Wallstreet retreats to the bedroom and closes the door.*

Warlock: Shall we?

*America pops the dvd in and sits in the recliner. Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*

Warlock: *to the camera* Tonight, we take a look at a cheesy movie apart of the American Heroes series, Special Forces. So lets get to it.

 

*Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “In the former Soviet Republic, the President is oppressing the people and with help from a former Bosnian General who’s a sadist, he is extremely hated. An American reporter goes there to catch the atrocities on film but is caught. She is forced to make false statements. So the Americans sends a Special Forces unit to try and rescue her.”

America: I like how they act as this is a world changing event, when its really something nobody would care about.

Warlock: Just like Air Strike. Chanting “USA” for absolutely no reason. Its been 10 years, I’m still not over that.

 

*Opening credits has weird middle eastern theme*

Warlock: Not a very American theme song.

America: Hell no.

 

*Graphic reads Bekaa Valley Lebanon Hezbullah Terrorist Camp*

Warlock: What a mouthful.

 

*Corporal Damian Chambers is getting the crap beat out of him but a dude in a turban*

America: Someone’s getting interrogated.

 

*Turban dude plays a random game of Russian Roulette*

America: Ok….

 

*Special Forces team infiltrates terrorist camp. Jess (Tim Abell), Bear (Danny Lee Clark), Wyatt (Troy Mittleider), Reyes (Terence Rotolo) and the Major (Marshall Teague). They wipe out about 10 terrorists virtually undetected. One terrorist gets his achillies cut and says “oof”*

America: Ok, if you get cut, you don’t say “oof” you scream your bloody head off.

 

*More kills from the Special Forces team*

America: So we just saw god knows how many people getting killed by some of the most mundane ways of getting killed. One guy is pissing and is distracted. One guy a simple “Hey..WHACK” so why are we trapeze artists now coming down and slitting someone’s throat. Really, why? What’s next, Cirucs Dolay?

Warlock: You mean Cirque Du Solei?

America: Whatever.

 

*Terrorists run out and start shooting randomly. Dispatched by the team*

Warlock: You may want an actual target next time.

 

*Major runs in and the terrorist says to put the weapon down. Major agrees and asks his sniper if he’s got him. He does….headshot*

Warlock: Nice shooting reverend.

 

*The c-4 the team planted go off*

America: Oh boy…explosions.

 

*Remaining terrorists open fire*

America: Now for fireworks.

 

*Two terrorists unload almost a whole clip into the small boat carrying the team and the prisoner. Two shots kill them both*

Warlock: So they unload a whole clip and hit nothing even though the target is 25 feet away. Meanwhile the team has dead-bang accuracy. Is that right?

America: Pretty much sums it up.

 

*Prisoner: Who are you guys? Major: “Just relax kid, we’re the good guys.”

Warlock: This dialogue sucks.

America: So they just introduced the team earlier on and waited a good 5 minutes to introduce the leader. So am I to believe they just told us the order that the guys are going to die?

Warlock: Well, maybe not.

 

*Graphic reads Muldonia – Former Soviet Republic*

Warlock: Meanwhile in former Soviet Russia.

 

*A tire is being burned*

Warlock: Is that a tire burning? Pewwwwww

 

*Russian citizens are being led away from their land by the evil Hasib Rafendek (Eli Danker). An american reporter Wendy Teller (Daniella Deustcher) and trusty sidekick Vasilly (Henrikas Savickas) look on. The 30 men, women and children stand around. Suddenly Hasib pounds on a military truck. The drape comes off revealing a Gatling gun*

America: Good night.

 

*The gun goes off and wipes out everybody*

America: HAHAHAHA! The guy on the left dropped and the gun wasn’t even aimed at him. The guy on the right was the first one that dropped and he wasn’t even in range. That’s horribly executed.

 

*Hasib and his Right Hand Man kill their British prisoner (Kestutis Jakstas) for not telling them where his partner is before one random citizen gets up from playing possum. He takes off and Hasib guns him down himself. Wendy shoots all what’s going on until the glare off the camera reflects in Hasib’s face. He notices the intruders and they run for it. Hasib guns down Vasilly and he tells Wendy to go.*

Warlock: I’d like to go….somewhere else, away from this movie.

 

*Wendy runs for it but Hasib chases after her on horseback*

Warlock: At least it won’t be a mundane foot or car chase.

 

*Hasib catches up to her*

Warlock: Why doesn’t he just shoot her?

America: There would be no movie….in fact….HOW TO RUIN A MOVIE!

Warlock: “Hasib shoots and kills Wendy. No one to rescue”

America and Warlock: THE END!

 

*Wendy gives the excuse that she’s just lost*

America: Wowwwwwww. Yeah right, like he’s really going to buy that excuse.

Warlock: The dialogue’s getting worse.

 

*Hasib tells his second in command to hit the bricks as he throws the pictures Wendy took at her.*

Warlock: Hey, he had her pictures developed for her, isn’t that nice?

 

*Hasib slaps Wendy and tells her to read a speech he’s prepared*

Warlock: Me-me-me-meeeee….ready.

 

*Major Don goes up to a sad looking Wyatt holding a ring. He laments a letter he got*

Warlock: Oh, he got a Dear John letter.

America: Ouch.

 

*The Major and his men watch the video of Wendy being held hostage. They say they’re going to rescue her*

Warlock: Ha!

 

*Terrorist spits in Wendy’s breakfast*

Warlock: What a heel.

 

*Harding gives the mission plans to the men. They have a contact within the organization that they’ll meet up with.*

America: You know if it was an ex-CIA agent or a former operative you know who’d it be?

Warlock: Yup.

 

*President Hrankoff (Michael Saad) confronts Hasib and its revealed he’s bankrolling Hasib. Hasib kills the President’s aide and says they’ll do it his way. Hrankoff stops any further bloodshed by agreeing*

Warlock: So much for the aide.

 

*Harding has a flashback of 8 years earlier where he and his team was ambushed in Bosnia. He was captured by Hasib himself and tortured*

Warlock: If nothing else, it takes some time off the run-time.

 

*Flashback frame does a 360*

America: I’m getting dizzy

 

*CGI Blackhawk choppers drop of Major’s team*

Warlock: Really bad CGI.

 

*CGI E-3 Sentry flies around*

America: Bad CGI but real plane….really bad. It pisses me off.

 

*Major and crew go to meet up with their contact but is almost made by Hasib’s Right Hand Man. Meanwhile a sniper (Scott Adkins) is waiting.*

Warlock: What is going on?

 

*Right Hand Man smushes a cigarette*

Warlock: So much for the cigarette being best supporting actor.

 

*Sniper (Talbot) says the Americans got lucky and he leaves his post*

America: I bet that guy is the dude in jeep’s partner.

 

*Don’s crew meets their contact Saira (Rimante Valiukaite). They think she’s a terrorist until they meet a secret school. Wyatt hands a necklace to a little boy*

Warlock: You are getting verrrrrry sleepy.

 

*Saira leads Jess and Major to the army base where they meet Talbot. They all drive away together as a little boy (Adomas Gotesmonas) catches their license plate*

Warlock: Boy spy.

 

*Talbot says his partner was killed and he’s been living like a rat since. Harding asks if he’ll join them, he refuses. Meanwhile Hasib and his right hand man, now known as Zaman (Vladislavas Jacukevicius) are standing around. Hasib says the Americans are here. Zaman asks how he knows. Suddenly a truck carrying the Little Spy shows up*

America: So the kid is running to tell the Colonel about the Americans?

Warlock: Yeah.

America: …..that little punk!

 

*Harding’s men and Saira infiltrate the Bosnian base. They steal the guards’ uniforms and say goodbye to Saira*

Warlock: Yeah, we don’t need you anymore, bitch.

 

*Harding sees a chess board and has another flashback*

Warlock: Alright, the chessboard is the best supporting actor.

 

*Harding freaks out and opens fire. The soldiers shoot at the truck carrying Harding’s men. The bazooka guy misses completely*

America: That’s….wow.

 

*Team wipes out nearly the entire base as Talbot joins in and pulls a Chuck Norris on the soldiers*

Warlock: Scott Adkins doing what he does best.

 

*Talbot drives up in a bulletproof Winnebago and the team gets in*

Warlock: Is there such a thing?

America: Love how the base had something similar and nobody bothered to jump in it. These guys deserve to lose for their ineptitude.

 

*Meanwhile Hasib has found the secret school and he asks where the Americans are. Saira doesn’t know. He slaps her*

America: Wrong answer!

 

*Harding’s men and Talbot head back to the school and sees everyone being led into a truck. Some soldier rips off the necklace Bear gave to the kid and he’s pissed. Suddenly Saira breaks free and Hasib shoots her. She takes a full 2 seconds to act hurt and drop*

Warlock: Talk about a delayed reaction.

America: This movie sucks.

 

*Harding stops Bear from firing at the soldiers. He says the mission is to rescue the American woman.This is not their fight. Next frame shows the men arming themselves in a cemetery. Jess tells Bear to suck it up and remember the mission*

Warlock: Finally some character development.

 

*Scene shifts to Wendy being tortured*

Warlock: So much for that.

 

*Hasib tells Zaman to rip the city apart to find the Americans. Next is a montage of citizens beating beat up by soldiers*

Warlock: Sad part is this shit happens every day in this part of the world.

 

*Back at the cemetary, Talbot and Harding share bonding moments*

Warlock: We’re halfway through. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

 

*Harding tells the story of his botched mission. Talbot asked how he survived.  Harding says he was the last man standing*

Warlock: Once again, bad dialogue.

 

*Hrankoff confronts Hasib who plays chess and tells him to go home and count his money*

Warlock: Yeah really, relax.

 

*Harding’s team storms the Presidential Palace. Harding snaps somebodies neck and he spits out the apple*

America: I didn’t ask for see-food. Are we gonna see trapezing again?

 

*All the guards are wiped out*

America: Nope, parkour this time. I’m pretty sure that stunt double screwed up the fall.

Warlock: I agree with that.

America: He had ONE job!

 

*Hrankoff tosses and turns in bed*

Warlock: He can’t hear that?

 

*Bear says he’s going to turn the President’s head into a parking lot*

Warlock: What….is….that??

America: I have no idea what that means.

 

*Hrankoff says it was a mistake to capture the girl. Says to get her and get the hell out*

Warlock: Direct and to the point.

 

*Outside, Harding’s team opens fire*

America: Apparently they missed the memo on stealth with one of them carrying a shotgun.

 

*Harding shoots a soldier in the head, the blood splatters on a white board*

America: That board was put there JUST for that splatter effect.

 

*Harding’s team storms the area where Wendy is being held. They kill the guard and rescue her*

Warlock: They’re a little early. Still got a half hour left in the movie.

 

*Wendy collapses. Wyatt injects her with “happy juice” She says “God Bless You’

Warlock: I can write better dialogue.

 

*Sega Genesis sounding music plays as Harding’s team makes their escape*

Warlock: Oh boy…True Lies the video game music.

 

*A lone soldier is left alive who radios for backup*

Warlock: I knew it…too early.

 

*Harding calls their E-3 plane and says to pick them up*

Warlock: I think they’re going to be delayed.

 

*Talbot shakes Harding’s hand and they go their separate ways*

Warlock: You know we’ll see him again.

America: Yeah really.

 

*Chopper is shot down as Hasib’s army materializes out of seemingly nowhere*

Warlock: Good god, the Americans couldn’t hear tanks, trucks and atvs coming their way?

 

*Enemy soldier literally does a backflip after being shot*

Warlock: HAHAHAHA WHAT WAS THAT?

 

*A BTR70 tank rides up*

Warlock: Accurate?

America: Yes actually.

 

*Harding’s men fight virtually the whole army and get surrounded. Talbot is on his way*

Warlock: Love how nobody got hit yet on the American side.

 

*Reyes makes it to the bulletproof Winnebago and tells the team to jump in.  Zaman is on the scene*

Warlock: This just escalated.

 

*Enemy soldier is flown 30 feet backward from a machine gun round*

America: How does a guy just get launched?

 

*Reyes is hit and tells everyone to beat it. The rest of the team leaves on foot as Reyes fights everyone off himself. The Winnebago blows but Reyes makes it out alive. He is surrounded.*

Warlock: How is he not dead yet?

 

*A grenade explodes and Bear goes flying. Two soldiers show up and have Jess and Harding dead to rights…and miss*

Warlock: Wow.

 

*Reyes is slowly shot to death by the soldiers*

Warlock: Good call on the order.

 

*Wyatt is shot by Zaman, he and Wendy are captured*

Warlock: Should have finished him off.

 

*A soldier shoots and wounds Jess. Harding tries to carry him to safety*

Warlock: Goodbye.

 

*Bear is shot. He pulls a grenade and takes out a group of soldiers with him*

Warlock: That was the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen.

 

*A grenade takes down Harding. He reaches for his gun, Hasib steps on it. He shoots and kills Jess*

Warlock: Real good call on the order.

 

*Harding: You sonovabitch, I’ll rip your heart out!”

Warlock: Yeah he showed him.

 

*Hrankoff is arrested and brought before Hasib. Hasib shoots and kills him*

Warlock: Everybodies dead!

America: We have a few still.

 

*In a jail cell, Wyatt and Harding are blindfolded. Wyatt says he’s been honored to work with him. Harding tells him to put a sock in it, the mission isn’t finished yet*

Warlock: Good motivation.

 

*Zaman and Hasib chain Wyatt to a fence. They browbeat him and Hasib orders him to read a speech. Meanwhile Wendy says her prayers around boxes of explosives*

Warlock: Well she’s not going anywhere.

 

*Talbot shows up outside the camp and takes everyone out singlehandedly*

Warlock: Where was he earlier? Oh well, better late than never.

 

*Talbot hides in plain view and plants dynamite*

America: Don’t mind me…nothing to see here.

 

*Talbot frees Harding and they both wipe out guards with hand to hand combat*

America: What a tag team.

 

*Talbot kills a guard who’s gun goes off, giving away Talbot’s position. Hasib orders everyone to get them. “Make sure Wyatt goes nowhere!”

Warlock: He’s chained to a fence, where’s he gonna go?

 

*Harding goes to free Wyatt and Wendy as Talbot says he’ll cover him. Zaman and Talbot go mano e mano*

Warlock: Finally, the one on one battle.

 

*Zaman and Talbot shoot at each other all over the base, neither hits*

America: Time for the big hand to hand showdown?

Warlock: Not yet, they’re still busy paying tribute to the A-Team.

 

*Hasib walks down the hallway with a bunch of dead soldiers on the ground*

America: What handy work!

 

*Harding goes to free Wendy but Hasib stops him.  They have a similar shootout to Zaman and Talbot*

Warlock: They’re in a room of explosives, nobody and nothing is hit?

 

*Finally Hasib nails the circuit breaker and sets the room on fire*

Warlock: Finally.

 

*Zaman stealths around*

America: Alright here’s what’s gonna happen. Zaman will get the drop on him, disarm him and we’ll get the big hand to hand showdown.

 

*Zaman kicks a sugar sack and takes the gun out of Talbot’s hand*

America: See? What did I tell ya?

Warlock: Cliche city.

 

*Zaman and Talbot fight*

Warlock: 17 minutes left….

America: Nice Liu Kang bicycle kick by Zaman there.

 

*Talbot gets the upper hand in the fight and we cut back to the shootout between Hasib and Harding. Harding disarms Hasib*

Warlock: Now they’re gonna fight too?

America: Guess so.

Warlock: Double main event.

 

*Wendy grabs an ammo cache and tries to break out of the fence she’s trapped in*

Warlock: Why didn’t she do that earlier?

 

*Zaman and Talbot stare each other down. Talbot removes his gloves*

Warlock: Oh now he’s serious.

 

*Talbot can’t miss and Zaman can’t hit. Then they start trading blows and missing jump kicks*

America: This is actually pretty drawn out.

Warlock: This is the best scene in the whole movie. A legit stalemate.

 

*Scene cuts to Harding knocking out Hasib and dropkicking a board holding ammo caches. Hasib appears to be crushed*

Warlock: Let me guess, he’s gonna jump out of the fire and start shooting.

America: Oh of course.

 

*Talbot sheds his shirt and finally knocks Zaman down.  Talbot impales him with a makeshift spear and says to remember his partner’s name…in hell*

Warlock: Talbot wins….flawless victory.

 

*Harding gets the keys and goes to free Wendy but Hasib jumps out of the fire and attacks*

Warlock: Well he didn’t shoot, but close enough.

America: Cliche movie continues.

 

*Harding judo flips Hasib, kicks him into a wall and stabs both his hands to it. Harding: “Now this is a scream I’m going to remember*

Warlock: He didn’t even scream.

 

*Wyatt is shown fading*

Warlock: Oh yeah, remember me?

 

*All of a sudden Wendy goes to town on a guard. Harding pulls her away but she stops him, knees the soldier in the nuts*

Warlock and America: HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 

*Talbot frees Wyatt and they run out. Wyatt finds the soldier and takes it back. Harding and Wendy are still in the building when the fire in the ammo room ignites a missile that blows away Hasib…but not the whole building*

Warlock: WHAT?? Wouldn’t the whole building have blown?

America: You would think.

 

*The soldiers chase the truck with Talbot, Harding, Wendy and Wyatt.  Harding “I don’t believe this.” He gets a bazooka and blows away the incoming truck*

Warlock: So much for those assholes.

 

*A CGI Blackhawk lands then a real one picks everyone up. Back to CGI for the fly-away*

Warlock: Badddddd CGI.

 

*Medic patches up Wyatt as Harding tells Wendy to thank him. Talbot asks Harding if he’s had enough. Harding “All the time.” Talbot says he’s thinking of retirement. Meanwhile Wyatt asks Wendy to marry him*

Warlock: If she says yes I’m gonna laugh.

 

*She says she’ll think about it*

Warlock: Ok, I can work with that.

 

*Talbot asks why Harding still fights. He looks at an American flag on the wall and the credits roll*

Warlock: Not as cliche as the USA chant but still cheesy.

 

Mr. America’s assessment: I’m thinking! I’ll give it a 4.5 out of 10. It had the cliche ending but still the machinery and vehicles were accurate.

Warlock’s assessment: That was a low budget, poorly written, badly executed chopper crash. The cliches made me want to hurl. The acting was decent but they weren’t given a lot to work with. The characters were barely developed at all….I give it a 3.5 out of 10.

Final Grade: 4 out of 10…..Bad.

 

*Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: Ok Wallstreet, we’re done here.

*Mr. Wallstreet walks out of the bedroom*

Wallstreet: Have fun?

Warlock: No.

Wallstreet: Good. Serves you right.

America: 10 years we waited to finish this.

Warlock: Yes….

*Warlock opens his hand and the dvd ejects itsellf, flies into his hand. He puts it in the box and places the box in the missing slot next to Air Strike and Air Marshall*

Wallstreet: Hmm….well I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news.

Warlock: Bad news?

Wallstreet: While I was in there I looked on my phone. Did you say there were 3 movies?

Warlock: Yeah, see?

*Wallstreet shakes his head and creates two open slots next to the three movies*

America: What are you doing?

Wallstreet: I looked it up….there weren’t three movies in the American Heroes series. There were FIVE movies. You’re missing two of them. Marines and Submarines.

*America drops to the floor and holds his head in his hands. Warlock hits his head on the movie rack*

Warlock: 10 years down the drain.

Wallstreet: You two…have fun with those.

*Warlock runs out of the lair screaming, Wallstreet casually sits in the recliner and puts on CNN*

America: Have a fucking pleasant evening.

 

 

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