*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black t-shirt, leather jacket and gargoyle shades, blue jeans and white sneakers. He’s holding a shot glass of pepsi*
Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock*
*Warlock shoots fire from both wrists in a criss-cross then enters the lair*
Warlock: With the incredible string of bad movies lately. Neyzor Blades got to pick this one.
*Neyz is sitting in the recliner in her standard attire. She’s got her arms folded*
Neyz: You bet your ass I did. None of this Mr. Wrong or Death Fight crap.
Warlock: Whatever, point being, tonight’s movie is Dinner For Schmucks. A comedy featuring Steve Carrell and Paul Rudd….aka the guys from 40 Year Old Virgin.
Neyz: Yes, now shut up and watch.
*Warlock takes his seat on the couch*
Warlock: So let’s get to it, shall we? Dinner For Schmucks.
*Warlock reads the tag-line*
Warlock: “When he finds out that his work superiors host a dinner celebrating the idiocy of their guests, a rising executive questions it when he’s invited, just as he befriends a man who would be the perfect guest.”
Neyz: Interesting…I don’t know.
*Opening song and credits*
Warlock: This song makes me want to gag.
*Barry (Steve Carrell) dresses up dead mice in a picnic setting to The Fool on the Hill by The Beatles*
Neyz: He’s a taxidermist.
*Tim (Paul Rudd) talks with Josh (Nick Kroll) and Susana (Kriste Schaal) after Jacobsen (Douglas Huber) is fired. Tim wants Jacobsen’s office
Warlock: Wow what an asshole.
*Tim is in the meeting with Lance Fender (Bruce Greenwood) Williams (Larry Wilmore) and Caldwell (Ron Livingston). Caldwell makes fun of him*
Warlock: Ron Livingston heel? Say it ain’t so.
*Tim’s presentation almost impresses Fender*
Warlock: He took a shot, just missed.
*Fender, Caldwell and Williams tell Tim about the top secret dinner Fender runs*
Warlock: Oh god is this like the Death Wish Club?
*Williams lets Tim in on it. They invite idiots over to make fun of them. Fender picks the biggest idiot, gives him a trophy and releases them into the wild*
Warlock: Never to be seen again.
*Tim runs into his girlfriend Julie (Stephanie Szostak) who says she called someone the wrong name but it ended up working out.”
Warlock: Is everybody in this movie an idiot?
Neyz: You’ll see.
*Tim tries to propose to Julie for the umpteenth time*
Warlock: He’s relentless
*Julie introduces Tim to Kieran (Jemaine Clement) who’s an eccentric artist*
Warlock: Did he just say his zebra was in labor?
Warlock: What the hell am I watching?
*Tim sees a painted picture of Kieran and says it reminds him of his dick*
Warlock: When is this supposed to get funny?
*Tim makes fun of Kieran over dinner with Julie. He gives her the lowdown of the Dinner For Winner. She doesn’t like it*
Neyz: I got nothing.
*Tim is on the phone with Susana when he literally runs over Barry*
Warlock: I got a hit and run felony!
*Barry introduces himself. He says he’ll pay TIM for running him over. They share bonding moments in the middle of the street as angry drivers yell and beep at them*
Warlock: Hey! Get out of the road!!
*Barry shows his dead mouse art collection to Tim in the middle of the street*
Warlock: They’re still in the middle of the street.
*Barry hands him a dead mouse dressed as Jesus and Barry acts excited*
*Tim sees a chance and invites Barry to the Dinner For Winners. Later on Tim acts like an idiot with Fender, Mueller (David Walliams) and his wife standing behind him*
*Fender and Williams makes fun of Caldwell for dating a hooker. Willliams “Is Cinnamon a family name?”
*Tim and Julie have an argument because she doesn’t want him to go to the dinner and he’s already made plans. All of a sudden Barry comes out of the elevator and does a judo takedown on Tim*
Warlock: Why did he attack him?
Neyz: He thought Tim was stuck.
*Barry thinks the dinner was that night, Tim says it was supposed to be the following night. Barry refuses to leave. He pulls out the mouse he found earlier and its a suit and tie. He says its made after Tim. “Barry that was a dead mouse a few hours ago. Please get it out of my face.
*Barry stumbles upon Tim’s online sex chat with Darla. Barry pretends to be Tim and prints out a picture of her ass and gives her Tim’s address. Tim freaks out and says the woman is a stalker that he slept with once. Barry says he’ll make it up to him. He sits in the lobby and waits for whoever’s ass matches up with the picture. He then unknowingly matches Julie with the picture*
Warlock: Oh this will end well.
*Barry confronts Julie thinking its Darla. He tells her that the sex with her needs to stop and tells her Julie would be upset. Julie says to tell Tim to kiss her ass. Barry says they don’t have to, they have a picture*
Warlock: That sounds like a bulletproof argument.
*Barry runs back to report to Tim that he won’t be bothered by Darla anymore. They call up Kieran and try to see if Julie is there. Tim recognizes her laugh and wants to go to his apartment. Tim can’t drive so Barry drives instead….badly*
Warlock: How many movies are they going to portray Steve Carrell as being unable to drive?
*Barry heaves Tim’s keys into Kieran’s apartment. Tim is not happy. Barry investigates the apartment. He finds a picture of him and Nelson Mandella and tells Tim its Morgan Freeman*
*Kieran plays bongo drums in the mirror as Kieran’s cat steals the Tim mouse. Barry talks to the cat to get the mouse back*
Warlock: Awww its the smittens!
*Barry follows Kieran and says he may be with Julie. He spots a bizarre 3 way going on and Tim runs in, only to realize Julie is not there. Barry pretends to be Nigel Thornberry but Tim tells him to knock it off. Tim admits that Julie left him and in Kieran’s bizarre manner, he says he’s not after Julie. Back at the apartment, Barry fixes Tim’s back but finds a picture of Julie and calls her Darla. Tim figures out that Barry scared off Julie all along.*
Warlock: Good god.
*Barry lets Darla (Lucy Punch) in. She’s batshit crazy. Barry “Want to get pizza?” She tries to hit on Barry but he’s totally oblivious. They start spanking themselves together and start chasing each other*
Warlock: Two peas in a pod.
*Barry finally gets rid of Darla and Tim hears Julie’s phone buzzing. She gets a voicemail from Kieran saying to make herself at home at his ranch. Tim freaks out and kicks Barry out. Barry goes to leave but then Barry figures out that since he works for the IRS, he can get the address of Kieran’s ranch on his tax returns*
Warlock: Wow, that’s actually funny.
*Barry walks up to his boss Therman (Zach Galifiankis) who’s skeptical. He takes his jacket off and has a turtleneck tanktop underneath*
Warlock: What the hell is that?
Neyz: That’s hilarious.
*Therman puts “mind control” on Barry as Tim looks on disgusted. Therman says he’ll help as Barry says “You can eat my pudding.”
Warlock: Well this just went weird.
*Therman audits Tim and he storms out of the building. Barry spots his ex wife Martha (Alex Borstein) who’s now with Therman. She used to be called Pudding.*
Warlock: Wow what an asshole.
*Tim reluctantly invites Barry to stay with him for the night. Barry can’t sleep and keeps Tim up half the night. Finally Barry passes out and Tim finds his mouse art. Its basically the story of Barry’s life. He was happy until he caught Martha with Therman.*
Neyz: Awww that’s saddddd
*Tim tells Barry to stay in the chair but he grabs Barry’s phone instead of his. Barry picks up Tim’ ringing phone and Susana tells him the brunch is at a certain time and to bring Julie. Barry freaks out and figures out what to do. Tim sits down and Barry runs in with Darla disguised and a really funny, unprintable scene occurs*
Warlock: This is too funny.
*Barry forces Tim to propose to Darla in front of Mueller and his wife*
*Julie walks in*
Warlock: Ohhhhh shitttttt
*Darla tells Julie that its over. Tim tells Mueller to reschedule as he chases after Julie. Julie tells him that she’s on her way to Kieran’s ranch. Barry pulls up in Tim’s Porche and tells him to get in. Before they can drive off, Darla completely smashes up Tim’s car and Barry plays dead*
Warlock: Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
*Tim gets mad and starts punching Barry who plays dead again. Tim stops. Barry “Works every time”
*Kieran dresses up as a Satyr and Julie is freaked out. Tim and Barry show up and Barry admits he has gonorrhea. Tim wants to talk to Julie alone as Kieran and Barry share bonding moments*
Warlock: These two could read the dictionary and make it entertaining.
*Tim calls Barry a tornado of destruction who’s only friends are dead mice because they can’t get away from him. Barry hears it and is heartbroken. Julie tells Tim she’ll be by later to pack and its best if he’s not there. Barry walks into the pond fully clothed and Tim follows. He tries to apologize but Barry stonefaces him.*
Neyz: Awwwww, he’s heartbroken.
*Barry returns to his apartment and begins throwing away his mouse art stuff. Then has a change of heart. Meanwhile at Tim’s place, he gets a call from Fender and Mueller takes the phone. He says Tim should have told him that Barry was his fool. Fender tells him to get Barry and get over there. Tim shows up to Fender’s place and Barry is already there entertaining the guest. One guest is Lewis the Ventriloquist (Jeff Dunham)*
Warlock: Heh, Jeff Dunham,
*Vincenzo the vulture trainer (Patrick Fischler), Madame Nova the animal psychic (Octavia Spencer) and Chuck the 2002 beard champion (Rick Overton) are some of the other guests. Marco the blind swordsman (Chris O’Dowd) puts on a show*
Warlock: This is horribly funny.
*Chuck looks at the vulture and says to Vincenzo “Are they cute when they’re young or are they always horrible”
Warlock: That’s the line of the movie.
*Barry puts on an elaborate show with his mice and goes on an epic speech about being a dreamer*
Warlock: Hey Neyz you’re a dreamer.
Neyz: Shut up Warlock.
*Tim has a change of heart after Barry’s dreamer speech. Caldwell is skeptical because his fool hasn’t shown up. All of a sudden Caldwell brings out Therman. Therman uses his “mind control” to weaken Barry. Makes a fool out of him in front of everyone. Barry admits his wife left him because he couldn’t find her clitoris. Robin (Andrea Savage), Davenport (PJ Byrne) and Henderson (Randall Park) laugh at him.*
Warlock: They’re all assholes.
*Tim brings Barry outside an tells him what the dinner is about. Barry is sad that Therman will beat him. Tim tries to tell him first prize is the biggest idiot. Barry says it doesn’t matter, Therman beats him at everything. Tim then tells Barry that he has brain control. Tim hypes him up as an earwig to the brain. Barry is inspired and wants another crack at Therman*
Warlock: Alright, big showdown coming up.
*Back inside Barry exercises his “brain control”. He and Therman fidget around weirdly as the guests laugh at them. They play shoot at each other with their fingers and ties*
Warlock: I wish I could have been there for the filming of this, they probably had a blast. They probably had to do 8 takes with everyone breaking character.
*Barry says that after sex, Therman likes to curl up in the “fecal” position and cry like a little baby. Therman takes a magic marker and draws a face on his dick. He puts a little hat on it and calls it Sammy, he sings to it. Barry defeats Therman as the guests laugh. Therman says they’ll all be audited and he storms off*
Warlock: That was funny.
*Barry reveals he knows everything about Therman because Therman and Martha had sex while Barry was under the bed*
*Fender gives Barry first prize but Tim has a change of heart. Fender calls everyone losers and Marco takes offense. He knocks over something and gets in swordsman’s stance. Marco draws his sword and goes crazy. He cuts off Mueller’s finger and the vulture steals the finger. Marco fights Williams in a sword fight and accidentally sets the house on fire. Tim and Barry escape to go after Julie. They get back to Tim’s apartment where he finds a postcard from Julie saying “Have a nice life Tim”. Julie walks in and Barry notices but not Tim. Barry makes Tim spill his guts.*
*Kieran walks in and Barry says he’ll handle this. Barry gives him a pep talk but says he can’t talk to Julie anymore. Kieran says he’s right. Kieran to Barry “You’re a wise man my friend.” Barry “As are you. Be kind to your birds and your goats.” They put their hands on each others shoulders*
*Barry gives a rundown of future events as the credits roll. Barry and Tim are best friends. He and Kieran became friends and business partners. Tim helped Mueller open an art museum. Barry is now dating Darla. Therman was committed to an insane asylum. “A mind is a terrible thing.” Julie and Tom got married and went to Paris for their honeymoon. He wanted to surprise him but they were busy so he hid under the bed. At the end of the credits, Fender’s company went out of business. Wallstreet (not Mr…although if he was here he’d probably say it) named him the biggest loser. The End*
Neyz assessment: Great, great movie. 9 out of 10.
Warlock’s assessment: I give it a 7, some of it were really silly…too silly for my taste. It did make me laugh a bunch of times so I’ll give it that. I would rate it higher, but the story was silly sometimes. The acting was great though.
Final Grade: 8 out of 10 – Brilliant.
*Warlock rises from the couch*
Warlock: There…ya happy now?
Neyz: Yes, I enjoyed myself.
Warlock: Good, because now we watch Sharknado 3.
Neyz: No…NO! GET OUTTA HERE!
*Neyz continues to yell and scream while Warlock retreats to the bedroom*
Warlock: Have a pleasant…gulp….evening.