*The Warlock and Thug D are on a beach in Malibu surrounded by voluptous women in bikini’s giving them a rub down. Warlock is in a green bathing suit and gargoyle shades and Thug D is in a black bathing suit and Oaklies*
W: Welcome to sunny Malibu, California for a special showing today on Warlock’s Movie Realm. Thug D had the wonderful suggestion to head down to Malibu for a special tribute to legendary raunch movie director Andy Sidaris.
D: He did a lot of directing in the 70’s too.
W: Absolutely. In 1985 he started a series of movies that had little to do with the previous one apart from two things, sex and beautiful women. Hiring Playboy Playmates to do acting, Sidaris made a series of movies that were a step up from softcore porn. The first was the 1985 spoof of Magnum PI called MALIBU EXPRESS.
D: Later movies would be a little more fleshed out but this movie was the definition of insanity.
W: Babes, guns and sex….can’t go wrong there so let’s get started with MALIBU EXPRESS.
Written and Directed by Andy Sidaris
Cast:
Cody Abilene (Darby Hinton)
Contessa Luciana (Sybil Danning)
Matthew (Art Metrano)
Anita Chamberlain (Shelley Taylor Morgan)
Shane (Brett Clark)
Lady Lillian Chamberlain (Nikki Dantine)
Beverly (Lori Sutton)
Liza Chamberlain (Lorraine Michaels)
June Khnockers (Lynda Wiesmeier)
Faye (Kimberly McArthur)
May (Barbara Edwards)
PL Buffington (Abb Dickson)
Doreen Buffington (Busty O’Shea)
Bobo Buffington (Randy Rudy)
Stuart Chamberlain (Michael Andrews)
Mark (Richard Brose)
Luke (John Brown)
Sexy Sally (Suzanne Regard)
Lieutenant Arledge (John Alderman)
Maid Marian (Robyn Hilton)
Johnathan Harper (Les Steinmetz)
Douglas Wilton (Robert Darnell)
Rodney The Photographer (Jeanine Vargas)
Peter (Peter Knecht)
Helicopter Pilot (Harry Hauss)
Answering Service Girl (Ruth Stamer)
Peggy (Peggy Ann Filsinger)
Regis Philbin (Himself)
Joy Philbin (Herself)
Computer Girl (Niki Patterson)
Massage Girl (Shanna McCullough)
Winnebago Woman (Ellen Jones Pryor)
Winnebago Driver (Andy Sidaris)
*Warlock reads the tag-line*
W: “A womanizing private detective is assigned the task of investigating who is behind the hi-tech computer technology leaks to the Russians.”
D: Yeah this is just to watch naked women.
*A computer is shown*
W: Commodore 64.
D: They’re coming out with a new Commodore Mini.
*Opening credits is on the computer screen*
D: This is the worst credit scene ever.
W: The score doesn’t fit either.
*Cody pulls up in a red DeLeorean*
D: Beautiful car.
*Car has a .44 mag and goes to a firing range*
W: That’s the Dirty Harry gun.
*Cody is a terrible shot that misses everything*
W: Hahahahahahaha
*Instructor “God dammit you hit the lamp”
D: In a cowskin briefcase.
*Cody “See you next week John.” John “I can hardly wait”
D: Hahahhaa.
*Cody and some woman watch a car drives. Bill and Rodney check out the car. June Knockers gets undressed*
D: Nudity in about two seconds.
*June asks Cody what he thinks*
W: This is no longer the worst movie of all time.
*Cody macks on June before leaving. Rodney and June’s asses are shown*
D: This movie is from 85 but it looks older.
W: Yeah, this looks like 1979.
*Cody says a private eye he needs to use a tape recorder*
W: This is a Magnum PI spoof.
*Cody tells Doug and the committee to get lost. His Malubu Express is an eyesore and they scoff at the all-female crew getting him lost. Cody “They were blown off course”
W: Oh haha.
*Cody says his mother was killed in a train accident so to honor her, he had a caboose painted on the front of his boat*
W: Why would it ibe in the front? Nevermind.
*Cody showers*
D: Uh, don’t want to see his ass.
W: Something for the ladies.
D: Who aren’t watching.
*May and Faye show up in bikinis and want to chill with Cody. Faye is the blonde and she wants to shower there*
W: Okay.
*Contessa talks with Doug about the Russians*
W: My dad knows who all these playmates are.
*Contessa is too close to Lady Chamberlain. Doug says Cody can do the job*
W: Whats the job?
*Faye and May shower*
W: Nevermind.
*Song about falling in love with Playboy playmates*
W: This movies hides nothing.
*Faye “We heard you’re a private investigator, will you investigate our privates?”
W: Oh god.
D: This movie is going to get more bizarre.
*Contessa invites Cody in. Cody hands her a boxed present*
D: I can clearly tell you have big titties, you don’t have to tell me every time.
*Cody checks out Contessa’s oufit*
W: This is not a family friendly movie.
D: I think these movies had theatrical releases.
W: No wonder Pee Wee Herman got bagged.
*Cody bangs Contessa*
W: Useless sex scene out of nowhere.
*Cody next morning has to go to work much to the dismay of Faye and May*
W: This movie sucks but its got plenty of nudity.
*The Buffington family harasses Cody*
W: I’ll take the wife.
*Cody says his father beat PL Buffington in a stock car race and PL’s had a grudge every since. Cody purposely loses a race to Bobo just to get them to shut up*
W: That’s Busty O’Shea.
*Cody explains Lady Chamberlain’s relationship with people. Cody says he borrowed a beat up Ford to make fun of everyone else in Bel Air driving fancy cars. Cody was told Lady Lillian broke her leg and will be in a cast. Shane doesn’t like Cody. Stuart and the others are making out. Her maid is Marian*
W: Maid Marian…. ha ha ha.
*Lillian bellows into a megaphone to get Shane out there. Shane was making out with Anita and says her husband will never know. She asks what he did in jail, Shane says he ate a lot of furniture*
W: What?
*Stuart is Anita’s husband but is light in his loafers. Liza sits at the table*
W: My dad would know who that is.
*Lillian hits on Cody and Liza asks if he cooks. He says not much. He makes reservations for dinner*
W: Oh ho…ha ha ha..oh ho.
*Cody goes on a date at the gym and checks out all the women. Anita does some kind of naked dance*
W: What the hell?
*Liza showers and Shane barges in on her and forces himself*
W: Oh great, now we get rape.
*Shane records himself getting with Liza*
W: You were right about being bizarre.
D: Yup.
W: He could pass for a wrestler.
*Liza gets out of the shower and Stuart goes out to look. Anita catches him and next day Cody hits on Liza while she does the Times Crossword Puzzle*
W: Not cat but….dog. Gotta love the aqua net hair.
*Cody checks out Maid Marian and Liza says he can have some escargot. He says he never eats anything that leaves a trail. Liza has no ride to Palm Springs and Cody offers her a ride. Liza says Shane is with Anita and are fucking in the beach house*
W: How does this guy’s dick not fall off. This was right in the middle of the aids epidemic.
*Liza smokes in the car*
W: Excuseeeee me while I smoke.
*Anita “Shane…shower time. Come on in.” Shane says he’ll meet her i the car. Shane then puts a VHS tape in the player*
W: There’s no plot to this.
D: There is, but its weird.
*Cody meet Jonathan Harper and Liza hands him a huge wad of cash. Matthew, Mark and Luke taunt Cody and Johnathan says to throw Cody out. The trio make him pull over*
W: Who are these clowns?
D: Henchmen.
*Cody calls himself a lethal weapon and takes his shirt off. They all remove their shirts and Cody beats the bodybuilders up. The leader pulls a gun and shoots up Cody’s car*
W: Where’s his 44 mag?
*They taunt him as Cody walks off in the desert*
W: Why did the movie writer let the goons win?
*Cody walks into a woman who rapes him*
D; The women in these movies are whores.
*Cody’s voiceover says it was a rotten trip to Palm Springs. Meanwhile Shane owes the boss 30 grand and he subtlety threatens him with harm to Anita. She calls them scuzzy gambling friends. Shane pulls out the sex tape of him and Anita and calls her husband a faggot*
D: I have a friend who collects beta.
*Shane says he won’t show them to anyone. Anita says she hopes the gamblers get him and tear him to bits. Shane “You little whore.”
D: It feels like its trying to spoof soap operas.
*Shane takes Stuart to a club so he can perform as a drag queen. Shane tries to blackmail him but Stuart doesn’t take the bait. Cody follows them to the Screaming Cockatoo*
W: Hahahaha
*Stuart tells his friends to come to Lady Chamberlain’s tomorrow*
W: Haha he actually does kind of pull it off.
*Maid Marian walks around. Cody “What an assortment under one roof.” Cody describes the scene in the room. Dick and Shane confront each other. Dick wants the 30 grand and says time’s running out. Liza and Cody watch*
W: This movie makes no sense.
D: I know.
*Shane calls Stuart and asks for the 30 grand and Stuart says no. Shane “Faggot”. Dick pulls a gun on Shane and says if he doesn’t get the money, Aliza is dead*
D: He’s trying to blackmail everyone in the house but none of them are going for it.
*Shane tends to the cut on his face after Dick leaves. Liza tells Anita that Marian got raped by two homosexuals, one held her down and the other did her hair*
W: Hahahahaha
D: I’d love to go to a Cancel Culture meeting and swap out 12 Years A Slave with this movie.
*Shane swaps out a Regis Philbin ad with the sex tape*
W: That’s actually Regis and his wife Joy.
*Some woman guts Shane with a knife and steals the blackmail footage. Shane picks up the camera, shoots a picture THEN she kills him*
W: Love how the assassin waited for him to snap the picture THEN shot him.
*We cut to Contessa kissing Cody by the pool*
W: Where did Shane fall? Does nobody care?
*Cody and Contessa find Shane*
W: Hahaha like randomly finds him.
*Cody says he’ll investigate and we cut to Marian snooping around. Cody “Looks like he was shot, stabbed and still made it out here. He finds Anita looking for the footage*
W: This is ridiculous.
*Cody gets a call from a phone sex operator and calls for help with the whole Chamberlain family watching*
W: Hahahaha
*Lt Arledge and Beverly show up to investigate. Arledge says Cody graduated from Texas U. Lady Chamberlain sees the footage and says “How could you Anita” Shane is zipped up in a body bag*
W: Bye Shane.
*Marian calls Jonathan as Beverly drives off with Cody and dicusses suspects*
W: Ha, they think Stuart did it.
*Cody gets with Beverly at the beach house*
W: More sex scenes.
D: The soundtrack ruins it.
W: The unsexiest music ever.
D: Sounds like Deliverance.
*Cody films the sex with Beverly to show her Shane’s operation. Tommy and his partner come to steal the tape from Beverly*
D: Love how he has a Texas accent but uses it like twice.
*Tommy and the other snoop*
D: I like their oversized Nintendo Zappers.
W: Ha, I want one.
*Cody “Go for it, make my day” and he misses. Beverly plugs the bad guy. Cody goes to shoot the other guy but misses completely. Beverly guns both guys down and scoffs at Cody for being useless*
W: Hahaha.
*Cody figures Lady Lillian set them up. He goes to crack the case when the Buffington’s show up to race again. Cody intentionally loses again*
W: What’s the purpose of this?
D: None.
W: Its like in Earthbound where the guy takes your picture only this came first.
*Doreeen shows her underwear*
W: There we go.
*Peter and Tommy were the goons killed earlier and Matthew, Mark and Luke show up to harrass Cody. Cody finds Faye and May in their cabin*
W: “Were you here the whole time?”
D: He’s got to have the worst stds ever.
*Cody knows they’re coming and pulls his gun. Cody shoots Mark in the ear*
W: Hey at least he hit him.
*Matthew whisks Mark away as Luke looks for the footage in Cody’s cabin. He intimidates the girls. Luke, Matthew and Mark get away. Next morning Beverly tells him Stuart has been arrested. Meanwhile Faye and May prepare coffee in bed for Cody*
D: Where’s Clarence Boddicker to scare the women away?
*May and Faye strip for Cody and he calls Sexy Sally and she hits on him too. Shane “Brains by Mattel”
W: Wow.
D: My favorite woman in this is June Knockers.
W: They are all are hot.
*Lillian tells Marian she has the rest of the day off. Meanwhile Cody visits June*
W: There’s your favorite.
*Cody brings Beverly to Rodney to develop film. She says “Fast, not good, like men I know”
W: Oh lord.
*They develop the picture of Shane’s killer. Matthew, Mark and Luke show up*
W: These clowns again?
*They shoot Beverly in the shoulder as Cody can’t hit anything*
W: He’s got The A-Team accuracy.
D: That gun is gorgeous.
W: It is, but its more like Pee Wee Herman shooting it than Dirty Harry.
*Matthew, Mark and Luke try to get away*
W: 28 minutes to go.
*June flashes the pitboys*
W: wow.
*Matthew, Mark and Luke shoot somebody and take a helicopter pilot hostage to chase after June and Cody. June has an orgasm the faster they go*
D: This is the classiest movie ever.
*Matthew “Do what I say or I’ll kill you” Luke “Who’s gonna fly if you do that?”
W: Yeah really.
*June starts stripping Mark “All I see is tits”
D: She’s my favorite because she’s the only natural one.
W: We got a helicopter full of idiots chasing a car driven by an incompetent PI with a woman having an orgasm.
D: Told you this was all class.
*June starts figuring out men are after her. Cody floors it and goes right by a winnebago*
W: Ha, that’s Andy Sidaris.
*The helicopter lands and the goons get out with the guns. The pilot takes off and Matthew shouts at him. Cody runs over Matthew and he explodes. Mark and Luke chase after them. Cody shoots but still can’t hit anything. “I only have one bullet left and I’ve never hit a moving target in my life.” June flashes Luke and Cody shoots him in the side. Cody grabs the shotgun and shoots Mark in the leg. Cody and June get away as the others hobble off. Cody “June’s front porch really saved our ass.”
W: Hahahaha
*Winnebago driver and his wife pick up Cody and June. June “God bless you sir” Driver “God blessed you, ma’am.”
W: Good grief.
*Cody hands his stuff to June and says to ship the evidence to Beverly and to get him more shells. He calls the Doc who’s patching Beverly, she’s fine. We cut to a naked party*
W: Completely random.
*Johnny tells Liza its a gift from Shane. Liza “How dare you.” Cody pulls a gun and shoots the radio. He tells everyone to get out but Liza and Johnny. Johnny “How dare you break in here?” Cody asks why Liza killed Shane and she says she didn’t. Shane has the evidence to prove Liza did it as Beverly and Arledge walk in. Cody hands the photo to Arledge and Liza is the culprit*
W: Movie over?
*Cody says he invited everyone over for a party but is stopped by the Buffingtons to another race. Cody follows them to the start point*
W: Earthbound again.
*Al rigs the car up for Bobo to ride. PL calls him a bean bag*
W: Comic relief.
*Cody races Bobo but this time for real and wins easily. They claim he cheated and Cody hands them a silver bullet*
W: Now what?
*Cody tells Sally he won the race and she gets hot. Cody on the boat introduces Doug and Liza. Cody runs into Peggy and realizes it wasn’t Liza that killed Shane. She’s left handed and the killer is right handed. Cody knew it was a woman but not Marian, Anita or Lillian. He figured out it was Contessa and she left him a tape recorded message saying she retired to Hawaii after drugging him. She intentionally made it easy for Cody to find the clues to finger Johnathan and Shane. She had Stuart fingered to keep the heat off her and the mask she used melted. In Hawaii, Contessa showers in a bikini and thanks Cody for getting rid of Johnathan. Contessa says she can’t wait until Cody finds her*
W: Really?
*Cody gives up the rest of the case. Johnathan is put away for a long time. Lillian says good help is hard to find. Montage of Cody getting with every woman in the movie*
W: Good grief.
*Lillian kisses Cody’s cheek. End credits*
W: Thank fucking god its over.
Thug D’s Assessment: Um, I love the film but its a terrible one. I give it a 4 out of 10, horrendous acting. I’ve never seen so much shit thrown into the kitchen sink at once. I only recommend it for people who only love hot naked women.
The Warlock’s Assessment: I give it a 4….I agree with everything he says. Really really bad but has hot women.
Final Grade: 4 out of 10 – Bad
*Warlock remains seated*
W: That was absolutely ridiculous but I can’t say it was boring. The movie promised sex, guns and babes and it delivered…but that’s about all it delivered. The acting was horrible, the story was stupid and the editing was garbage. I don’t recommend it at all unless you’re a Sidaris fan or need something a step up from porn. That about wraps up another babetastic adventure, next time we head to Hawaii for the “sequel”. Now get outta here before I give ya a slap!
Warlock's Movie Realm 