*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black leather jacket, black t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a wine glass of Barq’s root beer*
Warlock: Welcome to my lair…..welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.
*Warlock shoots fire into the sky then walks inside*
W: Tonight I am not picking the movie. Tonight is a special request by Neyzor Blades herself.
*Neyzor Blades is sitting in the recliner wearing standard attire*
Neyz: Yeah, after sitting through Little Miss Sunshine, Singles and Freaky Friday its my turn to pick the movie.
Warlock: What have we picked out tonight?
Neyz: Big Money Hustlas.
Warlock: WHAT????
Neyz: You heard me.
Warlock: You mean the Insane Clown Posse movie where they satire blacksploitation movies?
Neyz: I don’t know what that means, I just know its funny.
*Neyz pops the DVD in as Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*
Warlock: Well I’ll do it but I won’t like it.
Neyz: Why?
Warlock: When I was a kid you had to make a choice, ICP or Eminem. I took Eminem’s side.
Neyz: You missed out.
Warlock: We’ll see. So let’s get started with Big Money Hustlas.
Written by Joseph Bruce
Directed by John Cafiero
Cast:
Big Baby Sweets (Joseph “Violent J” Bruce)
Sugar Bear (Shaggy 2 Dope)
Big Stank (Jamie Madrox)
Lil Poot (Monoxide)
The Chief (John G Brennan)
Officer Harry Cox (Harland Williams)
Dolemite (Rudy Ray Moore)
Cactus Sac (Mick Foley)
Bootleg Greg (Fred Berry)
Hack Benjamin (Jumpsteady)
Dr. Dinglenut (Stefan Kudek)
Green Willie (Myzery)
Hazad (Alex Abbiss)
Old man Kissel (Kamal Ahmed)
The Director (John Cafiero)
Missy (Sindee Williams)
Grandma Sweets (Jeanmarie Evans)
Ring Announcer (Floyd Vivino)
Phat Tittie Kittie (Kimberlee “Kayla Kleevage” Chiapeti)
Father Duckett (Keith Perry)
Magic Ninjas (Bob Greenberg and Lee Willet)
Mike E Clark (Himself)
Suburban Mom (Florence Sturgeon)
Suburban Dad (John Hartmann)
Jerry Only (Himself)
Doyle Wolfgang von Frankenstein (Himself)
Michale Graves (Himself)
Dr. Chud (Himself)
Billy Bill (Himself)
Scared Funeral Guy (Tom Dub)
Police Officers (Eddie Santiage and Poncho Munoz)
Chain Snatching Victim (Christina Gutierrez)
Chief’s Assistant (Susan Caiafa)
Dolemite Girls (Adaku Arondiz, Sharlene Collado, Stephanie Redd, Sandra Schneider, Johanna Estevez, Tearanie Gibson)
Bodybuilders (Sharma Hyman and Terrence Spivey)
Naked Guy (Bo Arias Jr)
Strippers (Cynder Moon, XXXena and BB Gunns)
*Neyzor Blades reads the tag-line*
Neyz: “It’s New York City, and the crime lord Big Baby Sweets has got NYC around his finger. The NYPD is helpless so the Chief sends out for Sugar Bear, a 70s, Dolemite worshiping, rhyming supercop from San Fransisco to stop Big Baby, his Magic Ninjas, Hack Benjamin (Jumpsteady, and his 2 sidekicks, Big Stank and Lil’ Poot, with the help of Officer Harry Cox.”
W: Wonderful, white guys doing blacksploitation. This should be a barrel of laughs.
*Opening movie begins at a church here the Preacher says the only way to save their souls is to give up money. Meanwhile Sugar Bear narrates an intro with Big Baby Sweets and his crew Big Stank and Lil Poot. Sugar Bear says Baby Sweets ran New York and his boys couldn’t hurt a flea with a shotgun. Baby Sweets says to his own grandmother that she’s got 24 hours to come up with his MONEYYY. He throws her out but says to tell his dad to say hi. Big Stank says “Uh..my mom says hi and she’ll see you in church” Poot starts dancing*
N: Hahahahahhaa
*Baby Sweets says time to celebrate, they pull out huge lines of coke and Sugar says he needs help. We cut to The Chief getting visited by Sugar Bear who makes his enrtance*
N: That’s sexy.
*Sugar Bear rhymes everything he says*
N: I like how they do that.
*Chief brings up cockamamie thing Sugar Bear has done to establish him as a bad ass*
W: Oh I get it, they’re making a satire of blacksploitation.
*Chief says Sweets runs NYC and the entire city is in his pocket. Bear says his problem ain’t the streets, its Streets. Chief says Harry Cox is the only one who can help. Chief kicks his ass when he enters for wearing a hat*
N: Awww he’s so cute.
*Cox re-enters without his hat and they act like the previous scene didn’t happen. Sugar Bear doesn’t need a partner, he just wants someone to show him around town. Cox is intimidated*
W: Heh.
*Sugar Bear forgoes the cruiser for his Cadillac. He plows into the cruiser*
W: Hahahaha
*The Misfits eat at Donut Hut*
W: That’s actually The Misfits.
N: No shit.
*Cox names all the donuts. Sugar asks how he’s gonna clean up the town when he knows more about donuts than bad guys. He looks like an idiot and Misfits laugh at him*
W: Dr. Chud is like what the fuck.
*Cox talks to a donut as some moron robs the place in an ape suit. Cox says that’s Ape Boy of Sweets’ gang. Sugar Bear grabs a banana and tosses it to him. Sugar kicks him in the gut and hits him with the DDT*
W: Mick Foley taught him that probably.
*Cox says he would have helped but he found a quarter on the ground*
W: Hahahaha.
*Ring announcer announces Big Baby Sweets entrance to his throne room*
N: This is my favorite part.
*Sweets “This meeting is about money..MY MONEYYYYY. Anybody want to fuck with my moneyyyyyy? Crowd “No Big Baby”. Stank and Poot make empty threats as Hank Benjamin in a ninja suit works security. Sweets “Who’s money is it? MY MONEY MOTHAFUKOOO”
N: My favorite.
*Sweets introduces everyone. “You are the cities deadliest mothafuckoos.”
W: I know her.
*Green Wllie sells fake gold everything and he hands Sweets his money. Hazad is the infomercial king and we get an impromptu infomercial for a fruit juicer*
W: Hhahaha
*Sweets cuts him off and asks for his money. Hazad says he’s got a check and Stank yells at him. Hazad pays cash instead. Phat Tittie Kittie is introduced*
W: Thats Kayla Kleevage, she used to work for Taylor St Claire.
N: How the fuck do you know that?
*Kittie hands him the money and flashes us*
W: This is no longer the words movie of all time.
*Sweets breaks the fourth wall and says that was for us watching*
N: See he knew you were watching.
*Sweets introduces him to his Bootleg Greg. He’s wearing a Master Pee hat and Adidass t-shirt. Stank and Poot approve. He asks for his money and Greg pulls out cash, but Benjamin blows him away. He turns over the moey and its fake. Everyone “Ohhhhhh”
W: Ohhhhhhh okay.
*Father Duckett hands Sweets his money and Sweets asks where Ape Boy is. They watch a VHS tape of Sugar Bear dropping Ape Boy with the DDT. He asks who that is and Kittie puts over Sugar Bear. Benjamin blows her away. Sweets “So much talent, such a waste.”
W: Well I’m done this movie’s over for me.
N: No stay right there.
*Sweets says they need to take out Sugar Bear and we cut to the strip club. 3 dancers perform*
W: This movie just got better.
*Missy does a striptease*
W: I know her too.
N: I’m sure you do.
*Sugar Bear says its his dream girl. He makes kissy faces at her and buys her a slice of pizza. Sugar hits on her*
N: That would be me.
*Sugar calls her a tantalizing tenderloin. She says her name is Missy, Sugar says he wants her tonight. She goes with him and takes the pizza with her*
N: There ya go.
*Missy strips for him*
N: I wonder if she feels weird.
W: Why would she? Its an acting role.
N: Are those custom made clothes?
W: Lane Bryant?
*Sugar feeds her Hostess Snowballs and throws his pants off*
W: Hahahaha
*Sugar and Missy “have sex” as she eats the Snowball*
N: Do guys get off on chicks being able to shove things in her mouth like that?
W: Oh yeah.
*Sweets, Stank and Poot shoot at stock footage of dear, hit nothing*
W: What was that?
*Some woman is robbed of her gold by Green Willie as Bear mounts Missy. Benjamin blows up a building CGI style with a bazooka. Bear cums and falls asleep as Cox radios Sugar Bear. He asks where Sugar Bear has been as Sweets has attacked the city. Cox says not to go after Sweets because he’s too bad. Sugar says he’s going after him*
W: Hahahaha
*Sugar says he’s gotta go, duty calls. A stunt double of a jacked naked guy walks away*
W: Oh come on.
*Cox hysterically honks for Sugar*
W: Hahahaha
*Stank and Sweets feed each other chips when Poot walks in with baby oil. Sugar Bear places them all under arrest. Meanwhile Chief says Cox shits his pants*
W: This is dialogue is making me sick.
*Sugar walks in and Chief says good job. Cox says they only have them for an hour. Sugar interrogates Sweets. Sweet “Mothafuckaaaaaa is it a crimeeeeeeeeee to have so much money you bitch ass mothafuckooooo”
W: I hate to say it but this is a satire of blacksploitation done right.
*Stank and Poot cry and give up Sweets instantly to Chief*
N: Hahaha.
*Sweets continues to act arrogant while Chief says they can’t charge Stank or Poot because they denied everything. Poot “This aint even real mannnn” Meanwhile Sugar and Sweets exchance mannerisms and Motherfuckas*
N: Hahahaha that’s hilarious.
*Stank and Poot continue to cry and give up Sweets as Chief calls them pussies*
W: Sugar Bear called it.
*Cox asks if he got anything out of Stank and Poot and Chief says no. Chief says to let them go and Cox gets his own spotlight where he says “Let’s hope they don’t retaliate and take more innocent lives.” Closeup of his eyes*
N: Hahahhaa.
*Sweets meets with Duckett, Willie and Hazad and says they didn’t make the message clear. Baby “He’s fuckin with my moneyyyyyeahaayyeywayyyyyyyyyyy”
N: Hahahahah
*Stank “Yeah, rub Sweets’ butt!” Everyone looks at him funny*
W and N: Hahahahahaha
*Every time someone says Sugar Bear, a noise is heard. Everyone acts like “where its coming from?*
W: Hahahaha
*Benjamin blows away Green Willie and Hazard Duckett goes to say a prayer and he’s blown away too*
W: If this wasn’t satire, I’d be mad because of “Take out your own guy”
*Sweets say they need to summon the Magic Ninjas. Stank and Poot “Magic magic ninjas whattttt, magic magic ninjas whatttt. Neyz does it along with them*
N: Magic magic ninjas whatttttt.
*The two ninjas appear and bump into each other and the scenery*
W: Hahahhaa.
*Sweets says they can’t kill Sugar Bear or else the movie is over. They need to hit Sugar where it hurts. Benjamin shows a picture of Missy and Poot recognizes her. Sweets “How do you know that fat bitch?” Poot “I seen her around the spot”
W: Yeah, ok.
*Sweets says they need to kill Missy to get Sugar Bear to get lost. Sugar says he needs to get some ass. He calls up Missy on a rotary phone in the car*
W: Hahahhaa
*Sugar says he’s coming to get Missy. Missy kicks out some fat guy in a cowboy hat*
W: What was the point of that?
*Magic Ninjas lure Missy with a trail of food on plates*
N: That’s how I feel when I’m high.
W: This is ridiculous, enough with the stereotype.
N: They’ve stereotyped EVERYONE.
W: Yeah you’re right.
*Ninjas kill Missy and spray blood everywhere. Ninjas walk downstairs and Sugar runs into them. He tells them to screw and they leave. He walks into Missy’s place with a gun and bag of taco bell. He finds Missy dead and slow motion screams, stops to eat a taco*
W: Hahhahaa
*Sugar says he gave up on being a cop after Missy died. He flashbacks listening to Chief and Cox. Sugar gives his badge to a beggar. Graphic 2 Weeks Later*
W: Really?
*Chief has to talk to Sugar but he’s holed up in his apartment with cans of Faygo everywhere*
W: Is that Faygo everywhere?
*Sugar does a line with vaccuming noises. He says he did take down a cartel….in a video game. Sweets says Cox is being held hostage. Sugar wants revenge but Cox says he’s nothing but a Dolemite wannabe. Dolemite’s real voice from a movie poster tells Sugar he’s right. The ghost of Dolemite appears*
N: Who’s that?
W: It really is Dolemite, Rudy Ray Moore.
*The Director tells them to keep to the script*
W: That’s actually the director.
*Dolemite is there to give him a pep talk to do it right like Dolemite*
W: THAT’S the Dolemite I remember.
*Dolemite says there’s a million juggalos watching him do his Dolemite shit and he’s backing off. He needs to get his act together for the bitches, not the kids*
W: Hahahahaha.
*Sugar stands up and says he’s gonna save Cox and get Sweets. He asks for Dolemite to help and he says “Hell no, you’re gonna have to pay me.” Sugar goes through a training montage*
N: The fuck is he wearing?
*Dolemite reads Pimps and Hoes magazine while Sugar Bear jump ropes*
W: Not exactly Rocky and Mickey.
*Dolemite is supposed to spot Sugar Bear lifting a barbell but spots a black girl bent over*
W: Bury your face in that.
N: You’re disgusting.
*Dolemite says the first thing you need to do is hypnotize a motherfucker. Later Sugar kicks the homeless bum to get his badge back*
W: Could have just asked for it.
*Chief says they’ll surrounded the area and the budget for the movie is almost out so he so he doesn’t have to worry about explosions when Sugar rescues Cox. Chief introduces Dr. Dinglenut who’s been in disguise all movie. He introduces a special ninja detector gun to take out the ninjas. His next target will be Hack Benjamin, Dinglenut hands him a dog whistle and the whistle will kill Benjamin. Then he hands him a remote control for Stank and Poot. Sugar says to grab Dolemite and let’s go. Chief says the budget ran out so Dolemite is gone. Sugar is on his own*
W: Now for the finale.
*Sugar Bear takes out two guards, one of them with a snap mare*
W: Ha, a snap mare.
*Sugar pulls out the ninja detector gun and fires, killing the one on the toilet. He fires a second time and kills the other one who was eating Chinese food. The fortune reads “You will be killed” before he dies*
W: Nice touch.
*Guard whacks off his gun and Sugar Bear drops him with a vulcan nerve pinch*
W: That was….weird.
*Sugar spots Stank and Poot playing dice when Benjamin holds him at gunpoint. Sugar pulls out the whistle and blows on it, Benjamin’s head explodes. Poot asks what the fuck was that*
W: So much for him.
*Sugar pops up and says he’s there to take out Stank and Poot. Cox is happy he’s there. Sugar hits the remote control and all of a sudden Stank and Poot’s parents arrive. They call them Spaulding and Norwood. The father says they’re grounded and leads them away by their ears*
W: That was creative.
*Sugar Bear frees Cox and Sweets has a trap prepared for Sugar. Sugar finds a wrestling ring as Sweets says prepare to battle Cactus Sac. Cactus enters the ring*
W: The real Mick Foley.
N: It is!!!
*Sugar goes for the DDT but Cactus backdrops him. He clotheslines him and stomps away while trying not to say Have A Nice Day. He pounds away in the corner and hits the running knee smash*
W: I fee like I’m watching Raw.
*Cactus goes into Dude Love’s schtick but says “God dammit that’s not mine” Cactus hits the double underarm DDT and says its time for Mr. Saco. He puts on Mr. Saco and says “What the fuck is this thing?” before throwing it away. Cactus backdrops Sugar over the top rope and onto a wodden skid where his leg is impaled. Cactus “Bang bang!”
W: Yes!
*Cactus rolls Sugar inside and hits him with a steel chair. He goes up to the top for the big splash but Sugar pulls the wood out of his leg and impales Cactus on the way down. Cactus says “Right through the heart” and he dies*
W: So much for him.
*Sugar rolls Cactus off him but Sweets is waiting. Sweets says in real life Cactus would have fucked him up*
N: True.
*Sweets says Sugar Bear to trigger the sound effect. Finally Sweets has enough and asks where the sound is coming from. The sound director stands up and says him. Sweets shoots him*
W: That makes sense.
*Sweets says Sugar Bear but the guy is dead so no sound effect. Sweets cuts a promo on him but he’s shot from behind by his Grandma. “You broke, bitchass motherfucker.” Last scene is Chief with Dinglenut and Sweets says to reveal who Sweets is. Its been Cox the whole time. Chief is shocked*
W: Nice twist.
*The funeral Sugar Bear is at is for Big Baby Cox. He rubs his eyes and the preacher is Stank and the alter boy is Poot. Stank and Poot continue to preach*
W: Wait till I get off this cross so I can fuck you up!
*Big Baby Sweets and his crew shoot up the church to the credits. Sugar Bear shoots back*
W: Introducing everyone in the end credits.
*Billy Bill wasn’t in the movie*
W: Haahhahahaha
*Cox uses a squirt gun*
N: Hahahahaha
Neyzor Blades Assessment: I give it a 10 out of 10…out of all the shit you watch, this is the best.
The Warlock’s Assessment: I give it a 7…I had a great time watching this. Some of the language I could do without but its par for the course with these two.
Final Grade: 8.5 out of 10 – Outstanding
*Warlock rises from the couch*
W: I hate to say this but that was a lot of fun. Growing up in the early 00’s you had to make a choice, ICP or Eminem. So it was this or 8 Mile, I chose 8 Mile. This was actually pretty fun because it didn’t take itself seriously. If you can put up with this kind of rancid humor its actually a pretty decent tribute to blacksploitation. Well that about wraps up another insane adventure, have a pleasant evening.
Warlock's Movie Realm 