249. The Coroner (1999)

*Lacy Lou is on the set of her television show Indy Horror Rising. She’s wearing a black tank top with black leggings with a pink stripe going down each legs. She sits on the couch with an empty chair next to her*

Lacy: Our next guest is a bit of an enigma. Usually on the show we have independent horror movie stars, directors and writers but this is the very first time we have someone…different. Ladies and gentleman will you give it up for the architect and the originator of Warlock’s Movie Realm…..The Warlock!

*Something Wicked This Way Comes by Nuclear Assault plays as an entrance song as The Warlock walks out. He’s wearing a black leather jacket, black t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He waves to the crowd, hugs Lacy and kisses her cheek before he sits*

Warlock: Thank you Lacy, glad to be here.

Lacy: Now we all remember your guest appearance on Jenifer Livingston’s show where you talked about how the Realm started, but I want to go deeper than that if you don’t mind.

Warlock: How deep are we talking?

Lacy: Like where did this obsession with covering movies come from. When did it start?

Warlock: I wouldn’t call it an obsession, after all you review a lot of horror movies, I just do mine in my own way.

Lacy: That is true I guess. You’ve had quite the past couple years I’ve heard.

Warlock: Let’s see, nearly killed by the Demonic Toys, traveled down Hell’s Highway, entered Bong World, encounterd Ooga Booga, watched all 7 Rocky movies and had not one but two Christmas freakouts, how’s that for past couple of years?

Lacy: Well I’m here to ask where it started.

Warlock: Where what started exactly?

Lacy: Your pension, shall we say, for covering movies. You’ve been a conniseur of B movies trying to find hidden gems for years but where did that start?

Warlock: I think I know what you’re asking and I’ll answer that in two parts. I’ll tell you when it ALL began and what got me into B movies. First I’ll start with B movies if you’d like.

Lacy: Yes, recently we all heard about Driller Killer, which I could have told you was terrible.

Warlock: Yes, that movie raked the eyes of anyone that ever watched it. Why it has a 5 out of 10 score on IMDB.com is a miscarriage of justice.

Lacy: I guess I should ask what the first horror movie you ever watched was.

Warlock: Aliens….you know that.

Lacy: When you were 3 right?

Warlock: Yeah, but that’s not a B movie like Driller Killer.

Lacy: I guess I should be asking what was your first B movie was.

Warlock: Now that’s more like it. I used to go to Blockbuster a lot when I was a kid. Usually I’d rent video games, wrestling tapes, sporting events, episodes of Star Trek and good movies. Well one time when I was 15 I was leafing through the horror movies when I saw one that caught my eye, one I had never heard of.

*Lacy leans forward in her chair*

Lacy: Which was? Tell me!

*Warlock leans forward as well*

Warlock: The Coroner.

*Lacy sits back confused*

Lacy: The Coroner? What’s that?

Warlock: Exactly.

*Warlock sits back down*

Lacy: No seriously, what’s The Coroner?

Warlock: Let me tell you allllllll about it. It started after I decided to rent it when I was 15, I actually asked my dad to watch it with me, girl let me tell ya that was a mistake.

*We flash back to 2001. 15 year old Warlock is wearing an ECW t-shirt and blue jean shorts*

Warlock: Here, watch this with me?

The Grand Wizard: Oh I don’t know, this doesn’t look too promising.

Warlock: Pleassseeeee?

Wizard: Fine.



Written by Geralyn Ruane

Directed by Juan Mas and Alan Smithee



Emma (Jane Longenecker)

Dr. Leon Uraski (Dean St. Louis)

George (David Aimerito)

Manlan (Bob McFarland)

Nadine (Christine Burke)

Aida (Rebecca Gray)

Holly (Stacey Leigh Mobley)

Alan (Bryn Pryor)

Detective Stryker (Robert J Pouliot)

Filesman (Eric Gerleman)

Stripper (Joyce Westrgaard)

Stripper 2 (Stella Farentino)


*Warlock reads the tag-line*

Wa: “Pray you’re already dead before you meet the coroner”

Wizard: Sounds stupid to me.


*Movie opens in a titty bar with no credits*

Warlock and Wizard: WOAH!


*Dr. Leon Uraski spots his first victim*

Wizard: Looking good, getting better.

Warlock: Him?

Wizard: No not him!


*Bill thanks Holly for a good night and she walks to her car. Leon is there in disguise lighting a cigar*

Warlock: Up to no good.


*Leon grabs Holly and she screams*

Wizard: Nobody heard that??


*Opening credits*

Warlock: That looks scribbled on MS Paint.

Wizard: How long is this?

Warlock: 75 minutes.

Wizard: We’re already 4 minutes into it.

Warlock: Good.


*Leon watches his victim on a monitor with a montage of blood and newspaper clippings*

Wizard: This looks terrible production wise.


*Some woman in a straight jacket has flashbacks of people murdered*

Warlock: Are they going to explain any of this?


*Emma asks Aida if she’s doing anything that weekend. Aida says she’s going to the zoo. Somebody snaps pictures of her. Meanwhile Emma finds her prostitute friend Nadine crying in front of her car*

Wizard: Who’s that?


*Emma asks if Nadina ever has sex just for fun*

Warlock: I’m down for girl on girl.

Wizard: I agree that would make this lousy movie better.


*Nadine asks if Emma ever had sex for money, Emma says its too risky. Emma says to Nadine if anyone hurts her she’ll kill them. DA Filesman walks up to her and taunts her for using a death threat*

Warlock: And this guy is?

Wizard: The DA I guess.


*Filesman says he doesn’t take kindly to her attacks on his character in court. Emma says he’s a cocksucker and he says she’s going to make a very powerful enemy out of him. Emma says if he won’t get out of the way she’ll run him over*

Wizard: Another death threat, she’s on a roll.


*Filesman says she put a dog on the wintness stand. Emma says “At least the dog didn’t lie”

Warlock: Ha.


*Filesman says he’s gonna have her disbarred and she elbows him in the gut and slams the door on his head*

Wizard: Oh I like that.


*Stryker eats a hotdog and a new guy takes one look at her and pukes*

Warlock: Ugh, did we have to see that?


*Nadine prances around outside the nudie bar and lights a cigarette. Leon drives by and we get a montage of him murdering her in 3 seconds*

Warlock: At least they’re not wasting any time with details.


*Man has sex with Emma*

Warlock: Is this a movie or a porno?

Wizard: At this point I can’t tell.


*Emma is dressed in workout clothes, her boyfriend is in suit and tie. He kisses her goodbye*

Warlock: Do we get a name?


*Emma reads of Nadine’s death in the newspaper*

Warlock: Somebody is gonna die.


*Emma hits up the library to do research on the killer’s pattern*

Wizard: Smart girl.


*Emma looks at the date each victim was killed and figures out a pattern*

Warlock: This is gonna be a very short movie at this rate.


*Emma is stopped by Aida and Emma says shes not into it today, she’ll see her tomorrow*

Warlock: Can you simply leave work if you’re not feeling it?

Wizard: No.


*Emma goes for a night run with Leon watching her*

Warlock: She does look great in those clothes.

Wizard: Agreed.


*Leon hits her with a tranquilizer dart and carries her away*

Wizard: Right out of Raiders of The Lost Ark.


*Leon walks in on her dressed as a catholic school girl while he’s naked except for a world’s greatest chef’s apron*

Warlock: I didn’t need to see his pasty white ass.


*Leon films her with a normal camcorder. She asks what he wants and he stones her. She says he doesn’t know shit about her and Leon says he does. He looks over his tape collection and says the others said the same. He says he’ll be back and leaves*

Warlock: That’s….it?


*Emma bites into her own wrist to draw blood*

Warlock: Why the hell did she do that?

Wizard: Wolves chew at their wounds when trapped to free themselves.


*Emma slides her wrist out of the strap and frees herself*

Wizard: Ahhhh, she used the blood to slide herself free, I give credit, she’s smart.


*Leon runs downstairs dressed in full Washington Redskins uniform, she stabs him in the back*

Warlock: That’s not Joe Theisman.


*Emma runs upstairs and gets lost. Leon calls out for her*

Warlock: She stabbed him in the pad, he’s okay.


*Leon continues to call out “Emmmaaaaa”

Warlock: Alright we get it.


*Leon bashes her over the head with a piece of wood*

Warlock: Oh, that’s gonna hurt.


*Leon cuts her left ring finger off. He patches her up before cutting up her back. She asks what he wants*

Warlock: He’s a goddamned serial killer, what’s he gonna say?


*Leon points out a failed suicide attempt when she was 14 and he says she must be punished for failing. She starts laughing in his face. She says in the lab he’s a god but outside he’s just another crazy fuck. Leon says not only is she gonna die she’s gonna die slowly before snapping her wrist*

Wizard: That’s gonna hurt.


*Emma plays dead as he sharpens a knife. He frees her and carries her to a bed, she headbutts him, knees him in the nuts and the head. She grabs a knife and cuts his arm. He charges but she throws him against the wall and knees him in the back. She slams his head against the wall and runs, he follows close behind*

Warlock: How did he get up so easily?


*Emma bites Leon then runs through an open door and up stairs. She runs outside a house and gets hit by a car. The driver tends to her as Leon runs outside. He then slowly goes back inside*

Warlock: Won’t be long to implicate him now.


*Emma dreams of the attack while she’s in the hospital. She wakes up cuffed to a hospital bed. The nurse says she needs to rest now. Emma passes out*

Warlock: She didn’t look like she needed a rest.


*Emma is bandaged up and visited by Aida. Detective Manlan and Stryker walk in. Emma tells them what Leon did but doesn’t know his name. She says she can find the house she ran out of. She goes back to the crime scene and finds the house. She goes to knock on the door but Stryker asks what they’re doing there. Manlan asks if she knows who’s house this is. She says its HIS house. Both detectives look miffed*

Warlock: Wouldn’t they be chomping at the bit to arrest this guy or at least buy her story enough to investigate?


*The detectives knock on the door, Leon comes out and says hello to them by their names. Manlan says he knew this was a mistake. Leon plays dumb and asks why they’re there and invites them in. Emma keeps insisting he’s a murderer but he pretends not to know what she’s talking about. Manlan says this is Dr. Leon Uraski, the chief medical examiner for the city. Emma says “You’re a coroner?” Stryker says he’s THE coroner*

Wizard: Now do you get it?

Warlock: No.

Wizard: The CME is involved in every homicide or natural death in town, the detectives have probably worked with him hundreds of times. That’s why they think she’s full of baloney.


*The detectives are on Leon’s side and say they have to leave but Emma makes a run for the basement. She can’t find the door in the food shelves and Leon says the door to the basement is on the other side of the room. Leon opens it and there’s a rinky dink basement and Manlan asks if he kept her there. She says no, its not right*

Wizard: They’re never gonna believe her.


*Emma says look for the tapes of his victims and Stryker says they need a warrant, Emma says to get one. Emma admits the injuries on Leon are from her but Leon says they’re from a car accident. The detectives believe him. She says she stabbed him in the back and he takes his shirt off, nothing is there. She then says he was wearing football pads, finally the detectives stop believing her.  Emma says to get the blueprints of the house and you’ll find another cellar. All of a sudden a kid runs downstairs. Stryker says he didn’t know Leon had a son. Leon introduces Bobby*

Warlock: Oh this just got better.


*Leon says Bobby has been with his grandmother except for the past two weeks. Emma asks where the mom is and Bobby says she’s dead. Emma says that’s not surprising and Stryker says they need to leave. Emma says she’s going to file an official report. Manlan shakes hands with Leon and says theyre sorry for troubling him. They leave and Leon tells Bobby its ok*

Wizard: Good luck proving any of this.


*Emma meets with Filesman and tries to reason that Leon sees himself as a demigod trying to take back suicide survivors. Emma says to check out the pattern and Filesman doesn’t believe her. Emma says he does the autopsies so he can’t get caught. Filesman says he’ll look into it and if he so much as loses a parking space, he’s gonna have her disbarred. Emma says if he doesn’t put him away she’s already dead*

Warlock: Halfway there, movie’s halfway over.

Wizard: Thank god.


*Emma hears the doorbell while sleeping and answers the door, Leon says “Hi Emma” and grabs her*

W: Who’s bed is in the living room???


*Emma beats the shit out of him and shoots him twice, then she wakes up*

Warlock: That would have been too easy.


*Emma hears the doorbell for real and grabs a gun. She opens it and its Aida. Aida says “peephole!” Emma says you can shot through one. Aida “What’s wrong with “who’s there?”. Aida asks about Leon but she’s distraught. Emma says she has to get him before he gets her. Aida says he has to stay quiet because they’re on him. She asks Aida if she’s losing it and Aida doesn’t answer*

Warlock: The nerd makes the most sense.


*Really bad band plays at a bar. Leon is there with Alan the strip club owner*

Warlock: This music sucks.

Wizard: This movie sucks.


*Alan says Leon needs a night out after “that Santiago bitch” accused him. Leon looks at the band in horror and walks away*

Warlock: For once we agree on something.


*Woman in red dress macks on a guy in a room Leon is hiding in*

Warlock: Really? We’re gonna go off the script for this shit?


*Woman in red does a seductive dance*

Wizard: You’re gonna complain?

Warlock: Not that much…..


*Woman in dress strips and dances for this guy*

Warlock: How many strippers did the movie director hire for this movie?

Wizard: Not enough.


*Man and woman have sex with each other when Leon notices the woman has a suicide attempt scar*

Wizard: He’s triggered.


*Woman says he loves the man. He throws her off and says he doesn’t care about her. He says love has nothing to do with this and not to come in tomorrow. Leon makes his move*

Warlock: Can he do us a favor and kill him too?


*Leon puts a coat around woman and hugs her close. Emma calls Aida and Aida says she can’t help her anymore. Aida says she needs to give it up but if she won’t, she needs to be careful. Emma thanks her and hangs up*

Warlock: On her own now.


*Emma is dressed as a cat burglar*

Wizard: Now what the hell is she doing?


*Emma rigs up a timebomb to the outside vent*

Warlock: Where the hell did she get that????

Wizard: How did she make that?


*The bomb blows but Emma is already inside*

Warlock: What was the point of that?


*Emma walks into Bobby’s room. Leon walks up behind and says he guesses their gonna add breaking and entering. Emma kicks him in the mouth and bloodies him, he smiles and thanks her before tearing apart Bobby’s room himself*

Warlock: What’s he doing?

Wizard: Preparing his alibi, he can claim she did all that. The cops are on his side.


*Emma points a gun at Leon and says chill out. She says they’re gonna look at the hole she blew in his basement. She looks over and there’s barely a dent in the concrete where she set the c4. She bends down to look at it and Leon knocks her out with a nearby rock and says “Not much of a hole Emma”

Wizard: She couldn’t even get that right.


*Emma wakes up with Leon in her face. She says he’ll never hurt her again. He says he’s already called the cops. Stryker shows up and Leon says she blew a hole, tried to kill him and his son. Emma gets arrested. She is brought before a happy Filesman who says her days as a lawyer are done. He brings in Leon, Stryker and Manlan. They’re all against her and bring up every bad thing she’s ever done to say she needs psychiatric help*

Warlock: They even have me convinced she’s full of baloney and I know she’s not.


*Filesman “You are one sick puppy and you need help. You don’t have a prayer.” Emma refuses to give in. Montage of her drinking and going over files*

Warlock: What, they let her out of jail?

Wizard: Well they did somewhat explain that her sentence is pending.


*Emma rings Leon’s bell disguised as a mover, tazes him and loads him into a truck*

Warlock: Where did she get the digs?

Wizard: I can’t follow this shitty storyline.


*Emma drives with Leon in the truck to an undisclosed location. Leon wakes up handcuffed. Emma is now doing the seral stalking. Emma “I’m going to kill you.” Leon “You don’t have the guts” Emma “Do you know what kendo is?”

Warlock: This is gonna be fun.


*Emma “The way of the sword. This is also a bomb shelter, so scream as loud as you want.” Leon “Emma, its not working.” She cuts his achillies*

Warlock and Wizard: Ohhhhhh.


*Emma says that’s the difference between them, she gives no illusions. Emma says he took her life away from her and she’s got nothing to lose. She walks upstairs and leaves him there. The next morning he has bags under his eyes and she uses a nailgun on him. He screams “fucking bitch!” She pulls one of the nails out of his shoulder*

Warlock: Ouch.


*Emma is training with boxing gloves when her boyfriend George walks in. She asks him to leave but Leon starts calling out for her. Leon realizes he’s in Emma’s basement. George freaks that she brought him there. George runs downstairs and sees him hanging. Leon pretends to be a victim and George goes to cut him down, Emma stopping. Leon cries out that Emma left George for him and she’s been stalking him for years. Leon says she’s sick and needs help. Leon says if he dies, its murder. George tries to talk Emma down, kisses her and hugs he close. George then cuffs her to the bannister. George says he swears he’s doing it for her. He uncuffs Leon and sets him free, Leon immediately pounces on George and rams his head against the wall before stranging him*

Wizard: Wow, what an idiot.


*Leon limps after Emma and she imaples him with a harpoon. Leon says that won’ stop him. Emma says he’s full of shit and grabs her sword. She cuts his throat with one swipe and he bleeds out*

Warlock: That should have killed him.


*Emma punches the bannister out and she tends to George. George wakes up and she carries him past the fallen Leon. She leads him to the stairs as Leon lays there*

Wizard: Don’t tell me he gets up.


*Emma douses Leon with gasoline*

Warlock: She’s not gonna mess around.


*Emma lights a match and throws it before carrying George up the stairs. Meanwhile we see Emma in a straightjacket*

Warlock: What, she just imagined the whole thing?

Wizard: Alright I’ve had enough.


*End credits*

Wizard: That was awful.


*There was no assessment. We cut back to Lacy Lou’s studio where she looks stunned while Warlock looks straight ahead in a trance like state*

Warlock: That was my first taste of B movies and how awful they could be.

Lacy: That’s incredible, no wonder you were scarred.

Warlock: You know what the sad thing is?

Lacy: What?

Warlock: I have seen hundreds upon hundreds of movies since I saw The Coroner that its no longer the worst movie I’ve ever seen. So many others have come along that’s worse than that so it moved up the ladder without doing anything.

Lacy: That’s how it goes sometimes. Now you said this was going to be a two part answer right?

Warlock: Yes, you asked me how this ALL began. It began when I was 4 years old and….

Lacy: Ohhhhh wait a minute, we’re due for a commercial. Hold that thought Warlock, we’ll be right back after this message.






248. Firestarter (1984)

*When we last left off, The Warlock and Thug D had just finished Dreamcatcher. Warlock stands in front of his couch*

Warlock: Welcome back to the Realm. Last time Thug D and I caught the movie adaptation of the Stephen King book “Dreamcatcher” which I hadn’t read. This time we’re going to do a film adapation of a book I have read but he has not.

*Thug D is sitting in the recliner wearing the same thing as Part 1*

D: And what might that be?

Warlock: For Part 2 of this project, we are going to do the 1984 adaptation of the book FIRESTARTER.

D: The one with Drew Barrymore?

Warlock: That’s the one. I heard it was just as good as the book and since I read the book, let’s see if they’re right.

*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*

W: So let’s not waste any time, let’s dive into Firestarter.



Written by Stephen King and Stanley Mann

Directed by Mark L Lester



Andy McGee (David Keith)

Charlie McGee (Drew Barrymore)

Dr. Wanless (Freddie Jones)

Vicky McGee (Heather Locklear)

Captain Hollister (Martin Sheen)

John Rainbird (George C Scott)

Irv Manders (Art Carney)

Norma Manders (Louise Fletcher)

Doctor Pynchot (Moses Gunn)

Taxi Driver (Antonio Fargas)

Orville Jamieson (Drew Snyder)

Bates (Curtis Credel)

Knowles (Richard Warlock)

Mayo (Keith Colbert)

Steinowitz (Jeff Ramsey)

Young Serviceman (Jack Magner)

Serviceman’s girl (Lisa Anne Barnes)

Security Guard (Larry Sprinkle)

Woman in Stall (Cassandra Ward-Freeman)

Bearded Student (Scott R Davis)

Grad Student (Nina Jones)

Proprietor (William Alspaugh)

Old Man (Laurens Moore)

Old Lady (Anne Fitzgibbon)

Mailman (Steve Boles)

Motel Owner (Stanley Mann)

Blinded Agents (Robert Miano and Leon Rippy)

Joan Dugan (Carole Fransisco)

Josie (Wendy Womble)

DSI Technicians (Etan Boritzer and Joan Foley)

Albright (John Sanderford)

DSI Orderlies (George P Wilbur and Orwin C Harvey)

Agent Hunt (Carey Fox)

Country Store Girl (Laura Warner)


*Warlock reads the tagline*

Warlock: “A couple who participated in a potent medical experiment gain telekinetic ability and then have a child who is pyrokinetic.”

D: So its like Carrie had a daughter?


*Opening credits*

W: Wonder if Dino knows Joe and John.

D: This music sucks.


*Charlie and Andy are on the run on the streets of Washington DC being chased by The Shop agents led by Orville Jamieson*

W: Be light be feather.

D: Whatever you do, no eye contact.


*Charlie says they’re coming and Andy jumps in a cab and uses his power to “push” the cabbie into driving*

W: Yeah, he “pushes” people into doing what he wants.


*Andy uses his mind power to convince the cabbie he’s taking a 500 dollar bill for driving them to the airport, its really a 1*

D: You thin he feels bad for duping him?

W: In the book he does.


*Andy flashes back to when he met his wife Vicky at an experiment conducted by Dr. Wanless. 5 of them will be injected with water, 5 of them will be injected with Lot Six*

D: What happened to Lot 5?

W: Animal ate it.


*A guy asks if The Shop is behind this, Wanless says no*

W: Bullshit.


*Vicky asks when they’re going to get paid*

W: Heather Locklear.

D: Sch-wing!


*Andy introduces himself to Vicky as they begin the injections*

D: Let’s have sex now.


*Andy and Vicky trip*

D: Hey Doc this LSD is more like DSL.

W: Wanna get high? Wanna get high?


*Vicky can read Andy’s mind, Andy says he loves her*

W: That was quick.


*Andy remembers a patient clawing his own eyes out*

W: Yup, that was accurate to the book.


*Cabbie drops Andy and Charlie off at the airpot. Andy gets a headache any time he uses his power as well as a nosebleed*

W: Yeah, Stranger Things ripped this off.


*Orville, Bates and another agent discuss Andy’s power*

D: The heels right?

W: Yes.


*Andy says they have no money and can’t stay there. Charlie says its not right to steal. Andy says the difference between big bad and little bad. Charlie says big bad is what they did to mommy. She’s sad she made her scream*

W: She didn’t kill her.


*A military officer yells at a girl and tells her off. Charlie gets mad*

D: What a dick.


*Andy uses his power to get quarters out of the payphone*

D: Now imagine if ya did that with an ATM guy?


*Soldier yells at girl and Charlie sets his boots on fire*

W: Yeah, take that.


*Officer runs into the bathroom and jumps in the toilet feet first*

W: Smart guy.


*Charlie feels immediate remorse but Andy says its ok*

D: Yeah she almost killed someone but that’s okay.


*Its revealed that Vicky has been killed prior to the movie starting, Charlie and Andy hug*

D: They’re gonna explain this right?

W: Yes.


*Andy and Charlie see The Shop guys coming and they jump over a bridge. Andy falls onto the highway and Charlie pulls him away just before he’s rammed by a mack truck*

W: Strong girl.


*Andy says he’s crazy about her. She’s crazy about him too*

A: And they kiss.

D: With tongue.


*Andy says they need to find a place to sleep, Charlie says they can afford a place to sleep now*

D: Yeah with 5 dollars in change.


*Andy lays in bed with Charlie on her and flashes back to trying to teach her how to control her power. She fries the toast*

D: Burnt toast, my favorite.


*Vicky tells her they’re done for the night, Charlie says she’s not tired and throws a tantrum. She sets Vicky’s oven mitts on fire and immediately remorses. Andy puts the fire out and screams at Charlie that she has got to control herself*

W: That could have been much worse.

D: Next time she gets the belt.


*Andy flashes back to when he found Vicky dead on an ironing board with a handkerchief in her mouth*

D: Thats fucked up.


*Andy drives over to Joan’s as 2 agents are loading Charlie into a van. Andy uses his power to bring Charlie to him and to convince both of them that they are now blind*

D: I can’t see! Ahhhhhh!


*Joan runs out and Andy uses his power to erase her memory as if this didn’t happen*

W: Nothing to see here!


*Graphic reads The Shop*

D: That’s a pretty big shop.


*Captain Hollister rides a bike to the main office. He says hi to his secretary Josie and his guard Kenny. John Rainbird is in his office*

D: George C Scott is a damn good actor.


*Rainbird says he’s taken care of another conflict. Dr. Wanless comes in and warns Hollister that Andy and Charlie need to die because they’re the greatest threat. Hollister doesn’t buy it. Wanless says 8 out of 10 patients have died or committed suicide*

D: So much for getting high in a good way.


*Wanless explains the origin of Lot Six and how dangerous they are because of it. Rainbird asks what the point is and Wanless says what if Andy loses control of Charlie? Hollister asks how that’s possible and she’s just a little girl*

W: Yeah, keep thinking that.


*Wanless says Charlie could be the most powerful human being on the planet. Hollister scoffs until Wanless says she could crack the planet in two*

D: You won’t be around to see it.


*Hollister says they could train the little girl and use her as a weapon. Wanless says no way and he won’t be involved anymore. If they do that he’ll shut the operation down. Rainbird calls him an exciteable man*

D: Just looking at him, you know he’s gonna kill the dude.


*Andy and Charlie walk on the road. Andy says they need to mail his story to newspapers. Charlie says to go to grandthers*

W: Her grandfathers.


*Andy and Charlie hitchhike and get picked up by Irv Manders*

W: Hey Norton!


*Andy and Charlie bullshit Manders about their background. Irv takes them to his farm*

W: Don’t worry he;s a babyface.


*One of the agents radios Orville that they’re with Irv Manders*

D: This score sucks….like seriously.


*Charlie thanks Irv for their upcoming lunch and says is whife Norma will love her. He sings for her*

W: I’m used to him as Norton, this is different.


*Norma is skeptical of visitors but invites them in anyway. They all have lunch*

W: Least they get to eat.


*Charlie eats lunch and burps accidentally*

D: Oh my god she burped, get the gun!

W: Love to see her fart next.

D: We had enough of that in the last movie.


*Charlie says if she eats another bite she’ll split*

W: I’d love to see that.


*Irv tells Norma to take Charlie and feed the chickens. Andy tells Irv when they’re alone that he’s really Andy and she’s Charlie. He tells him the truth about they are experiments and Irv buys it.*

W: At least he believes them.


*Norma tells Charlie they eat the eggs, not the chicken. Meanwhile Andy tells The Shop, Lot Six and the whole story to Irv. Charlie runs in and knows that he told her but also The Shop is coming*

D: The British are coming!


*Charlie asks if she does something bad will Andy still love her. He says always*

W: What’s he gonna say, no?


*Irv says he’ll get his gun and Charlie says he won’t need it*

W: Shit just got real.


*17 agents have the house surrounded, Orville says they don’t have to run anymore. Charlie tells them to go away and Orville says he can’t. Andy threatens them to leave but Irv runs out with a gun*

W: Oops.


*Orville says they’re feds and they’re not leaving. Charlie starts to get hot and everyone else starts to get hot. Orville says to get them and two guys grab Andy. Irv goes to fire but two agents shoot him in the arm*

W: He’s still alive.


*Charlie uses her power to fry the agents*

D: Well they warned ya but, stupid and all.


*Charlie sets Orville on fire. He burns to death*

W: Anybody got any marshmallows?

D: Stop drop and roll, quick!


*Andy tells everyone to leave but Charlie continues to blow shit up and set people on fire*

W: All that mess the old man has to clean up.


*Irv says they need to get Andy and Charlie to safety. Norma says to take the jeep and getaway*

W: SHE’S gotta clean up the mess.


*Charlie and Andy drive away*

W: This score is weird.

D: Its not weird, it just stinks. It doesn’t fit.


*Andy and Charlie run to the lakehouse*

W: I remember this from the book, that was their grandfather’s place.

D: Was this their summer house?

W: Yes.

D: Only problem is it could fall into the fucking water.


*Charlie tells Andy she wants to be normal*

D: I wanna be somebody.
W and D: Be somebody cooooool.


*Rainbird kills Wanless with one backhand blow*

W: Yeah that’s pretty much how it went.


*Andy and Charlie ride into town*

D: Looks like the town in First Blood.


*Townspeople rat out Andy*

D: You old bitch.


*Hollister says get Bates and get them. Rainbird says he wants Charlie when he’s done with her. Hollister says he should erase Rainbird and Rainbird says if he dies Hollister will be serving life in prison within 6 months. Rainbird says he wants Hollister’s word that he can have her when Hollister is done*

W: In the book he goes into detail with internal thinking that she reminds him of a god or a spirit or something.


*Andy and Charlie catch a fish. Meanwhile the mailman takes the letters Andy has mailed*

W: He’s sent his story to every single newspaper in the country.


*Rainbird kills the mailman*

W: Ha.


*Rainbird prepares to raid the cabin*

D: I wonder why she can’t see him coming.

W: Yeah, really.


*Charlie promises never to hurt anyone else*

W: Bullshit.

D: That’s a lie.


*Rainbird hits Charlie with a sniper rifle trainquilizer dart. Andy screams*

W: Shes fine, you make it sound like they killed her.


*Rainbird hits Andy next. The agents in bodysuits collect them*

D: There’s more guys than before.

W: The Shop had many followers.


*Andy wakes up in a hospital bed. Dr Pynchot introduces himself. Andy runs for it but Pynchot seduces him*

W: I wonder if they show what happens to Pynchot by the book or if they come up with something new.


*Andy is drugged and says this is The Shop*

D: Pretty nice shop.


*Charlie runs around looking for an escape, she can’t find one. Hollister meets Charlie and tries to make friends*

W: I think in the book Rainbird meets her.


*Hollister says Charlie is like her own daughter. Charlie curses at him*

D: He’s the only one who hasn’t been a dick yet.


*Hollister gives it to her straight that they want to see what she can do. She wants to see Andy. Hollister says she and him are gonna be pals, Charlie says never*

D: Never say never again.


*Andy sets her cocoa on fire but stops herself. Meanwhile Andy has to be force fed pills*

W: Yeah that’s accurate.


*Pynchot and Hollister give Christmas presents to Charlie*

D: A Colecovision!

W: Holy shit that is!


*Rainbird visits Charlie playing ColecoVision*

W: Oh my god, its the numeric keypad.

D: AVGN hated that.


*Rainbird vaccums the bedroom and tries to befriend her*

D: A cabbage patch kid, damn these are like the 5 top toys of the 80’s.


*Andy yells at Pynchot and Hollister*

D: Dammit, I want a Colecovision!


*Bates is sent in. Andy’s power isn’t working. Rainbird says the pills aren’t helping. Hollister says to increase his medication. Rainbird says she’ll handle the girl*

W: Yeah, in the book it was instant trust.

D: I like it better this way, makes her look smarter.


*Rainbird with an eye patch tries to make friends with her. He pretends to be scared of lightning*

W: Yeah, that’s accurate.


*The power goes out and Rainbird is scared*

D: That’s a beautiful house, looks like a plantation house.

W: It is.


*Rainbird freaks out and pretends to be scared*

D: This guy is good.

W: Yes he is. Actor and character.


*Rainbird says the Cong screwed him up*

D: Yeah, the rest got ice cream.


*Rainbird asks why Charlie and Andy are there. Before she answers we cut to Andy saying he won’t take any more pills*

W: In the book this act was basically 6 months progression. Andy was supposed to slowly get his powers back but use them subtlety on Pynchot. Of course they don’t have 6 months in a 90 minute movie.


*Rainbird gains Charlie’s trust*

W: Yup, he’s evil….and its awesome.


*Charlie tells everyone to beat it so they can fry the wood*

W: Clear outta here!


*Hollister celebrates when Charlie sets fire to the wood*

D: Oh no, someone left the lens cap on!


*Hollister goes crazy to everyone but Pynchot knows she won’t do it again because she wants to see Andy. Pynchot says if she sees Andy he’ll tell her to kill them all. Rainbird disagrees and points out Charlie just escaped when the technican ran out the door*

W: Ha.


*Hollister tells his men to go get her. Nobody moves*

D: Yeah, we’re on our way.


*Rainbird laughs at Hollister when he says someone has to go get her*

W: Yeah, who wants to die.


*Hollister visits Andy*

D: Can I get that ColecoVision now?


*Hollister says Andy isn’t improving, Andy says he’s always stoned. Andy pretends to take the pill but doesnt. He spits it out*

W: Yeah, in the book its clear time passes by, months on end.


*Rainbird takes Charlie to ride a horse. The horse is named Necromancer*

D: I’ve never heard a horse named that.


*Rainbird says she needs to play poker mentally with Hollister*

D: He wants her because he wants to control her.

W: Yeah, he could give a fuck about Hollister.


*Charlie fries a brick wall*

W: Yeah this score doesn’t fit at all, you’re right.


*Charlie fries the whole damn room*

W: Jesus.


*Even Rainbird is shocked at Charlie’s power. Charlie stops herself and says she wants to see her father. Pynchot says soon*

W: Yeah bullshit.


*Charlie threatens to do something if she can’t see him. Meanwhile Andy pretends to be high to fool the security camera*

W: Yeah that’s the kind of shit he was doing to get his powers back without anyone noticing.


*Hollister sends Pynchot away. Hollister asks Rainbird what would happen if she found out he’s really on his side and not hers. Rainbird laughs and says give her to him after. Hollister asks what he’s gonna do. Rainbird says he’s gonna kill her quickly and hopefully the spirit will die along with her. Hollister says he really is crazy*

D: I’m just gonna go call the nuthouse.


*Hollister tells Andy he’s being sent to Hawaii, Andy pretends to be stoned. He then turns around and uses his power to make Hollister see snakes*

W: Thats right, in the book he’s afraid of snakes.


*Andy uses his power to make Hollister call his pilot and say Andy and Charlie will be leaving together. Hollister goes along with it under Andy’s power. They plot what to do*

W: I remember reading this but this is funny to SEE it.


*Andy sends Charlie a note to be destroyed that they’re gonna escape at 8 tonight. Charlie rats out her father to Rainbird*

W: Oh shit.


*Rainbird says he’ll take Charlie. He says he’ll do anything for her. Mike the guard walks in and says he’ll take her to the stables at 8 pm*

W: Random goon.


*Rainbird enters the stables and cases the place*

W: Doing recon work.


*Mike leads Charlie into the stables. Mike reaches for his gun and Charlie fries his hand. Mike runs away before Rainbird can shoot her. Rainbird calls out to Charlie and shes glad hes here. Meanwhile Hollister gives up the goods on Rainbird, he’s an assassin. Charlie runs to Andy when he enters and Charlie says John is there*

W: Uh oh.


*Andy says Rainbird is with The Shop. Charlie asks if its true. Rainbird says its true. He did it to save her life. Rainbird says she can’t burn up the place because she’d kill all the horses. Charlie stops herself from setting the place on fire. Rainbird says they can’t just be let go because she’s dangerous. Rainbird says he’ll shoot Andy if she doesn’t go quietly and she does. Andy tells Hollister to kill Rainbird and Hollister shoots at him. Rainbird plugs him between the eyes. Andy makes Rainbird jump down using his powers. Rainbird still shoots Andy. Charlie in turn fries Rainbird*

D: Now she’s about to go Carrie on all your asses.


*A dying Andy tells Charlie to burn the place to the ground. Andy dies while saying he loves her*

W: NOW she’s gonna go Carrie on them

D: Just leave the horses alone.


*Charlie wipes out the entire Shop while saving the horses*

W: Yup, Pynchot wasn’t there in the book but she did save the horses.


*Charlie fries Pynchot with a fireball*

D: Hadoooken!

W: In the book he dies earlier.


*Shop survivors shoot at her, the bullets bounce off and she fries the agents*

W: Oh now she’s bulletproof?


*Charlie deflects gunfire and blows an onrushing jeep*

D: Wheeeeeeeeeeee


*Charlie fries the last remaining member of Orville’s crew then a helicopter*

W: Fireeeeee!


*Charlie blows the plantation house*

W: Only problem is theres no one left to care about, this is just window dressing.


*Charlie is sent to live with Irv and Norma manders*

W: She had nowhere else to go.


*Norma hugs Charlie*

D: Now she’s happy to see her?


*Charlie says she loves her daddy, end credits*

D: That was good.


Thug D’s Assessment: I give it an 8 out of 10. It was a great story that had a little bit over the top acting and a score that didn’t fit the film. The character development and the chemistry not only between Drew and David but Drew and George as well was great.

The Warlock’s Assessment: I give it an 8 out of 10 too. 2 points off for the inaccurate way Pynchot was killed and the score but everything else was top notch.

Final Grade: 8 out of 10


*The Warlock rises from the couch*

W: Now that was pretty damn good. It took some things out of context from the book but that was to be expected. After all, it made more sense for Charlie to fry Pynchot with a fireball than to have him cross dress and kill himself like in the book. Still, apart from the weird score the movie was damn good. This is definitely worth taking a look since the acting was good and the SFX were pretty good for its time.

D: It wasn’t The Green Mile but still great.

W: I agree.

D: By the way did you know there was a sequel?

W: Yes, much like The Rage: Carrie 2 some egghead thought it was a good idea to make a sequel starring Connie of the Mighty Ducks.

D: Are we gonna watch it?

W: Someday.

D: Oh joy.

W: Until then, that about wraps up this special. Have a pleasant evening.

247. Dreamcatcher (2003)

*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black leather jacket, BLOODSPORT t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a glass of Dr. Pepper*

Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock levitates before entering*

W: Tonight we are going to do a two part special. Thug D and I have picked out two movie adaptations of Stephen King books, one he has read and one I have read. We’re going to begin with the one he read and I have not.

*Thug D is sitting in the recliner wearing a jean jacket with band patches on it, a Spiderman t-shirt, black jeans and sneakers along with Oaklie sunglasses*

D: Its gonna be good, don’t worry.

W: I hope so. The first movie will be the 2003 adaptation of Dreamcatcher. 5 friends from childhood must do battle with an alien menace that could destroy the world.

D: Sounds good to me.

*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*

W: So let’s get started with Dreamcatcher.



Written by Stephen King, William Goldman and Lawrence Kasdan

Directed by Lawrence Kasdan



Colonel Abraham Curtis (Morgan Freeman)

Henry (Thomas Jane)

Beaver (Jason Lee)

Jonesy (Damian Lewis)

Pete (Timothy Olyphant)

Owen (Tom Sizemore)

Duddits (Donnie Wahlberg)

Young Henry (Mikey Holekamp)

Young Beaver (Reece Thompson)

Young Jonesy (Giacomo Baessato)

Young Pete (Joel Palmer)

Young Duddits (Andrew Robb)

Rick McCarthy (Eric Keenleyside)

Roberta Cavell (Rosemary Dunsmore)

General Matheson (Michael O’Neill)

Maples (Darrin Klimek)

Old Man Gosselin (Campbell Lane)

Barry Neiman (C Ernst Harth)

Trish (Ingrid Kavelaars)

Rachel (Chera Bailey)

Richie (Alex Campbell)

Scottie (TJ Riley)

Duncan (Ryan DeBoer)

Becky (Susan Charest)

Army Truck Driver (Ty Olsson)

Conklin (Michael Daingerfield)

Tracking Technician (Kevan Othsji)

EMT’s (Marcy Goldberg and Dion Johnstone)

Josie Rinkenhauer (Shauna Kain)

Edwards (Colin Lawrence)

Platoon Leader (Malik McCall)

Helicopter Sentry (Jordan Walker)

Defuniak (Jonathan Kasdan)

Stranger on Curb (Michael Richard Dobson)

Bad Driver (John Moore)

Woman in Crowd (Carolyn Tweedle)

Apache Crew (Christopher Ang, Chris Duggan, Daniel Merali and Matt Riley)

Detainees (John Armstrong, Jack Crowston, Trenna Fransden, John Gagne, Sue Hartley, John Hombach and Kat Kosiancic)

Man Outside Bar (Victor Formosa)

Hofferman (Lance Kinsey)

Soldier (Chad Rook)


*Warlock reads the tagline*

Warlock: “Friends on a camping trip discover that the town they’re vacationing in is being plagued in an unusual fashion by parasitic aliens from outer space.”

D: Hahaha guess The Bahamas were too expensive this time of year.


*Opening credits*

D: I saw this in theaters when it first came out.


*Dreamcatcher montage*

W: What’s that?

D: A montage of snow, the monster and dreamcatcher.


*Henry sees Barry about his overeating habits. Barry gets up, breaks the couch and runs off*

D: Damn.


*Henry points a loaded gun at his head*

W: Woah.

D: I really needed that last check too.


*The phone rings. Henry thinks its Jonesy*

W: Saved by the phone.


*Jonesy invites Henry out on Saturday. Henry puts the gun away*

W: Guss I’ll have to kill myself next time.


*Defuniak visits Jonesy. Jonesy asks him what the penalty for cheating is*

D: You get fed to sharks.


*Jonesy rips up the test and tells Defuniak to write him an essay*

D: Next time I catch you cheating I’m hanging you by your shoelaces.


*Pete gets visited by Trish and he knows her name*

W: How did he know her name?

D: They’ll explain it.


*Pete buys candy for Trish. Pete says he’ll find her keys if she’ll go out with him*

D: Yeah that’s not weird.


*Pete finds Trish’s keys in a puddle*

D: I’m gonna get in my car now and don’t ever contact me.


*Pete says he’ll meet her at 6, she says sure. Pete knows she won’t*

W: Wow.


*Beaver hits the bar for a few drinks*

D: My name is Earl playing….Earl.


*Jonesy gets a call from Beaver*

W: Gotta love rotary phone.


*Beaver knows Jonsey is trying to go home, Beaver tells him to be careful. He doesn’t know why but be careful*

W: Aliens are coming.


*Jonesy asks some guy waiting for a cab what he said. He then walks in front of a car and gets run over*

W: Woahhhhhhh….

D: And the director of the movie knew how shitty the movie was gonna be so he decided to end it early.


*Paramedics try to revive Jones*

W: So the guy just offed himself, lovely.


*Graphic: 6 Months Later*

D: No he survived.


*Jonesy, Beaver, Pete and Harry go camping. Beaver says he was blown last night*

W: What was his name?


*Jonesy talks about his accident. He says he saw Young Duddits like he was at Derry*

W: Derry???

D: Better off living in Iraq.


*Jonesy says Duddits loves them and wouldn’t hurt them. Beaver says he’s priapismic*

W: Ew.


*The four friends bond by insulting each other. Montage of Jonesy in his mind burning files to Roy Orbison’s Blue Bayou*

W: *Sings along* I’m going back somedayyyyyyyyy

D: What about the list of students you molested?


*Pete says he’s been thinking about Duddits lately. Beaver says they’ve been coming up there for 20 years. Beaver says “het’s to Duddits, our dreamcatcher, wish he was here”

W: Is he an alien?


*We cut to Derry, Maine 20 years earlier to when Beaver, Pete, Jonesy and Harry were kids*

W: Derry Maine??? From It?

D: Yup.


*The four taunt the 3 bullies inlcuding Richie trying to make Duddits eat dog turd. Beaver picks up a rock*

D: I saw other kids in town do this.


*Pete can fly, Beaver sings Blue Bayou to calm down Duddits*

W: So what, he’s special needs?

D: Yes.


*Beaver finds an abadoned house*

W: Duddits didn’t shit himself did he?


*Beaver finds a mill*

W: That’s not the House on Neibolt Street is it?

D: Noooo!


*Back to present time, Harry chats with a store owner and drives off*

D: You don’t get too many places like that anymore.


*Beaver goes hunting, feels a snowflake. Jonesey pops up and sees some guy staggering through the woods*

D: Help me, I’ve been lost for days!

W: I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!

D: I knew I should have taken that left at Alberqueque.


*The traveler’s name is Rick McCarthy, Jonesy saves him. They bond*

W: He’s gross.


*Pete and Harry drink and drive. Harry tells how he drove Barry out of the office 6 months earlier an he just ate himself to death 3 days earlier*

D: Poor bastard.


*Beaver returns to the cabin. Rick burps and farts louder than anyone ever. Beaver opens a window*

D: Jesus christ stop farting! Whatever you do don’t light a match.


*Beaver puts Rick to bed. He says the bathroom is the third door, if he opens the first door he’ll be taking a shit in the linen closet*

W: Ha.


*Beaver and Jonesy make fun of the guy. Meanwhile Harry and Pete flip the truck*

D: This is also Misery part 2. Kathy Bates was sitting in the middle of the road.

W: At this rate Christine is going to show up next, with Cujo driving.


*Harry lugs Pete out of the truck*

D: Hahaha we almost died hahahahha


*Jonesy draws doodles*

W: How are they gonna get home?


*Beaver sticks his finger in the peanut butter*

D: I hate when people do that.


*Jonesy looks out to a bevy of animals*

D: Quick, get the guns!

W: Its like the Oregon Trail where all the animals run out at once.


*All the animals have scars like Rick does. Jonesy says he’s not afraid of the animals but what they’re running from. A chopper comes by an says they’re under temporary quarantine. Captain Curtis looks on*

W: Wow.


*Pete and Harry carry the woman they found in the middle of the road, all she does is fart*

D: I shouldn’t be laughing but I am.


*Jonesy and Beaver run inside the cabin and find blood leading to the room Rick was in*

D: I’m not cleaning that up.


*The trail of blood leads from the bed to the bathroom. They ask if Rick’s ok, he says he’s a little sick. He doesn’t want them to come in. Beaver and Jonesy bust in to find Rick on the toilet. They think he’s alive because something hits the toilet. They push Rick off and he falls over dead. Beaver sits on the toilet to trap whatever it is thats in there. He flushes the toilet but it returns. He tells Jonesy to go get something in the shed. Beaver drops his toothpicks*

D: I guess that’s his cigarettes.


*Beaver sings Blue Bayou on the toilet. He spots two toothpicks on the ground not covered in blood*

D: Oh my god forget the damn toothpick.


*Beaver falls off the toilet, the monster escapes. It attacks Beaver and bites him. Jonesy runs back and Beaver tells him to save himself. The thing finally kills Beaver and Jonesy shuts the door to the bathroom*

D: That’s one pissed off turd.


*Jonesy cries that the monster killed Beaver*

D: Mommy I think there’s smomthing wrong with the Beaver.


*The doorknob breaks off and a much larger monster appears behind Jonesy. The little one crawls up its neck*

W: What the hell?


*Jonesy “What do you want?”

D: A cheese sandwhich.


*The monster possesses Jonesy. Meanwhile a military base is shown nearby. Dead animals in body bags are brought in*

D: Has anyone seen Ms Daisy?

W: Car 54 what’s your location?


*Curtis and Owen go over the battle plan. There’s a hundred infected specimens left. Owen says General Matheson says the fungus doesn’t infect everyone. Curtis says what about the shit weasels?*

D: I love this dialogue.


*Maples walks in, he’s a member of Blue Boy group. He gives the lowdown on Blue Unit. Curtis asks if if he let a woman go while loading a gun. Maples says he knows for a fact that she was uninfected. Maples says Scouts Honor. Curtis shoots one of his fingers off and wipes the blood off himself. Owen says Curtis is a little crazy. Curtis says he’s been fighting these things for 25 years and he’s sick of it*

D: I love seeing him heel.


*Pete limps back to the fire where the woman is but the monster already escaped out of her*

W: This movie really is juvenile.


*Jonesy finds a snow mobile and rides off laughing. Meanwhile Pete talks to the woman’s corpse*

W: He’s wasted.


*Pete admits Duddits gave them all a gift, an ability to know things. Advanced ESP*

W: That explains that part.


*Pete says Duddits is an alien but laughs at himself and says he has to pee. Pete writes his name in the snow until the litle monster appears and goes for his deck. He wrestles with it before burning it in the campfire. He grabs a log and fights with it before we cut to Harry*

W: Last man standing.


*Harry hears the snowmobile but uses his ESP to fgure out Jonesy’s been possessed. He hides in the snow as Jonesy keeps riding. He has a conversation with himself with the alien known as Mr Gray. Jonesy figures out Duddits warned him about Mr Gray years ago and Gray admits that something is blocking him from reading his mind*

W: Interesting.


*Pete stumbles in front of Jonesy and Jonesy figures out its not him. Mr. Gray speaks with a British accent and makes Pete do a magic trick before telling him to climb aboard. Meanwhile we see Jonesy’s mind where he’s locked himself in a room as Mr. Gray taunts to let him in*

W: I guess it makes more sense in the book.

D: Yeah.


*Harry makes it back to the cabin*

W: Last man standing.


*Harry notices the infection spreading in the cabin*

D: I think its like eggs or something.


*Harry grabs a gun and investigates*

W: He needs the Gene Simmons investigation service.


*Harry finds Beaver’s corpse in the bathroom and feels how Jonesy was possessed. Harry hears the eel like creature lurking*

W: Some shit’s about to go down.


*Harry finds the eel curled up around a group of eggs on the bed. Harry misses with the first shot but plugs it with the second shot*

W: He got em.


*Harry finds hatched eggs behind the pillow*

W: Uh oh.


*Larvae move across the floor*

W: Angry sperm look out!


*Harry sets the cabin on fire, burning all the eggs and sperm. He pours gas everywhere and torches the place*

W: So much for Beaver.


*We flash back to 20 years ago with Pete, Beaver, Jonesy and Harry along with Duddits. They need him to help find Josie*

W: Don’t tell me IT got her.

D: Has it been 27 years?


*Beaver, Harry, Jonesy and Pete are given special powers by Duddits to find Josie. Pete can find people with his finger while the others can read thoughts*

W: Remember The Tommyknockers where they can read minds?

D: King hates that book.


*The boys find a sewer and Josie is down there. Beaver sings the Mighty Mouse theme*

W: Ha.


*The boys drag Josie out as Duddits looks on happy*

W: He’s like “Helloooooo”


*Back to present time Harry wanders by himself with overhead military choppers. Curtis asks how Owen is doing. Voices in Owen’s and Curtis head try to screw with him. Curtis gives a pep talk and says he’s there to kick some ass. Owen spots the spaceship and Blue Boy team opens fire. They cripple the the alien populace but one of them hits the self destruction button. Half the team is wiped out except for Owen and Curtis but the aliens are wiped out*

W: So much for them.


*Pete refuses to talk about Duddits and the Jonesy alien kills him with Jonesy looking on*

W: That’s it for Pete?

D: Yup.

W: Not exactly The Losers Club or the Stand By Me gang.


*Mr Gray stops a trucker and a dog. Mr Gray kills him and makes the dog eat the dead alien to infect it. Meanwhile Jonesy in hi mind pulls out the Duddits file*

W: Yeah this is one of those movies where the book doesn’t do it justice.


*Jonesy runs from Mr. Gray and makes it through the SSDD door*

W: What does that stand for?

D: Scooby Scooby Doo Doo?


*Harry makes it to the military by skiing. Meanwhile Curtis takes Owen to the infected ward*

D: I demand to see my lawyer!


*Old Man Gosselin says they can’t do this. Curtis says they’ll have everyone home within hours*

W: Word case of Poison Sumac I’ve ever seen!


*Henry meets Owen and Curtis. Curtis says he’ll be ok and Henry tries to read Curtis’ mind but Curtis blocks him*

D: He needs mydol.


*Owen and Curtis discuss what to do with the infected.  Curtis wants to kill them all and Curtis says what they need to fear is a hitchhiker*

W: He forgot Mr. Gray.


*Curtis says Americans drive Chevys, shop at Walmart and never miss an episode of Friends*

W: Ha.


*Henry catches up to Owen and tries to reason with him not to kill hundreds of innocent people. Henry says he’ll help Owen call General Matheson by bringing up Owen’s father that he doesn’t tell anyone. Henry says Jonesy is infected and they need to find him before Mr. Gray goes free. Next frame is Owen ratting out Henry to Curtis*

D: Oh you rat bastard.


*Curtis goes to find Henry and instead finds Gosselin. Owen never turned on Henry, he picks up Henry as General Matheson shows up with the army and arrest Blue Unit. Curtis says Owen just crossed the Curtis Line*

D: You’re not invited to Christmas dinner!


*Mr. Gray blows a tire on the side of the road. We cut to Owen and Henry and Henry says Jonesy needs to pick up the phone and call 1-800 Henry. We cut to Jonesy in his mind calling Henry and Henry uses the gun as a phone. Apparently Mr. Gray is afraid of Duddits. Jonesy says they need to find Duddits now. Back in real time Owen asks what to do now. Henry says they need to get Duddits as Owen says they’ll have to kill Jonesy to stop Mr. Gray*

W: Good point.


*Roberta aka Duddits mom greets Henry. Duddits has been waiting and he runs downstairs bald and sickly. Roberta says he has leukemia and she’ll let him go with Henry because he just might die happy rather than in his room*

W: So he’s on borrowed time too.

D: Yup.

W: Everyone’s gonna die, this is Shakespierre.


*Owen loads the gun but we see that there’s a tracking chip inside, Curtis is tracking them. Matheson walks in and Curtis greets him. Curtis bullshits that he’ll shut down the opration in an hour*

D: Bitch.


*A police cruiser pulls up to Mr. Gray, Mr. Gray kills him and steals the cruiser. Jonesy starts to taunt Gray as a sick Duddits says Jonesy is with Mr Gray. Henry figures out Duddits knew Mr Gray would attack all those years ago. Duddits say Mr Gray wants to go to Quabbin Reservoir*

W: I know where that is.


*Duddits says one worm kills the world. Henry figures out if one of those sperm creatures get into the drinking water, humanity is fucked. Henry tells Owen to step on it to Quabbin. Meanwhile Duddits tries to call Jonesy. Mr. Gray says they didnt meet by accident, Duddits planned this. Mr. Gray figures out Duddits didn’t tell Jonesy about him to protect him, but it won’t work*

W: Heading toward the end here.


*Curtis steals a chopper and flies off heading for Quabbin*

D: GI Joeeeeeee

W: The climax of the movie is gonna take place in Quabbin. Hahahahaha


*Jonesey tells Mr. Gray to punch it and not be a pussy. Gray drives into a snowbank, Jonesy laughs at him*

W: Clever.


*Mr. Gray carries the dog on top of his head and walks toward the reservoir. He can’t get in the office door*

W: Ever heard of picking a lock?


*Mr. Gray smashes the window*

D: Great, now you’re letting all the cold air in.


*Owen, Henry and Duddits make it to the reseroir. Owen says to Harry to take care of Duddits, he’ll find Gray*

W: Famous last words.


*Owen says “So long doctor”*

W: And he shoots him.


*Gray carries dog down toward the water, Owen investigates. Curtis shows up in the chopper and starts shooting the shit out of everything. Owen and Curtis go one on one and Owen gets tagged by mini gun fire*

W: Man down!


*Curtis goes to finish off Owen and Owen pulls out the .45 handgun and nails the tail of the chopper. Curtis crashes into the forrest and the chopper explodes. Owen drops dead*

W: That takes them out.


*Henry and Duddits walk up, Henry loads the machine gun Owen used and tells Duddits to go back to the car. Henry heads toward the main room*

W:  Time for the end.


*The eel comes out of the dog and Henry opens the door before it can slither in the water. The eel attacks and Henry shoots it dead*

W: One down, one to go.


*Henry says he’s gonna shoot Jonesy to be sure. Jonesy says Mr Gray is hiding, meanwhile the eeel pops out an egg*

W: Hey Henry, pay attention.


*Henry grills Jonesy if he’s really him. The egg hatches and the sperm slithers out*

W: Aww c’mon, pay attention.


*Henry asks Jonesy what was painted on the wall the day they met Duddits. Meanwhile Duddits walks in*

W: Oh yeah, forgot about him.


*Duddits says hi to Mr Gray and Gray shows its true form*

W: Well, beautiful thing isn’t it.


*Gray step over Jonesy but Henry’s gun is out of ammo. Duddits “Ister Gay…go away”

W: He’s gonna sacrifice himself.


*Gray impales Duddits and the sperm heads toward the water. Meanwhile Duddits reveals his true form as an alien and impales Mr Gray, Jonesy and Henry can only watch as the two aliens battle. Duddits uses his power to wrap both of them up in a cocoon and explode, killing them both*

W: They forgot the sperm.


*Jonesy steps on the sperm just in time. Henry “Jonesy!” End credits*

D: They saved the world.



Thug D’s Assessment: I give it a 6.5 out of 10. The story is good but too many things were funny but werent meant to be. Morgan Freeman was definitely the best character in this movie. CGI was bad but expected given it was early 2000’s. They could have done a better job with the source material.

The Warlock’s Assessment: I give it a 7 out of 10, same shit you said except I liked the dialogue.

Final Grade: 6.5 out of 10 – Very Good.


*The Warlock rises from the couch*

W: Alright, that was pretty good. Admittedly I had never read Dreamcatcher so I was pleasantly surprised. I’m sure like a lot of adaptations that the book is better than the movie but this was good. It wasn’t the best but it was still worth a look. It had action, it had character development and it had a coherant storyline. Not much to truly complain about. That wraps up part 1 of this 2 part special, join us next time for where I’m the one in the driver’s seat.



246. Eric (1975)

*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a U-571 t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding an urn of Dr. Pepper*

Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock shoots fire into the sky and enters the lair*

W: Tonight is yet another IT CAME FROM YOUTUBE and I’ll be flying solo for this one.

*Camera pans to an empty lair*

W: Tonight’s story is called Eric. It was a made for TV movie from 1975 starring John Savage and a young Mark Hamill. Apparently some kid has months to live and Hamill isn’t to happy about it.

*Warlock takes his seat in the recliner*

W: So let’s get the party started with Eric.


Written by Doris Lund, Nigel McKeand and Carol Evan McKeand

Directed by John Goldstone



Lois Swenson (Patricia Neal)

Stan Swenson (Claude Akins)

Marilyn Porter (Sian Barbara Allen)

Paul Sweson (Mark Hamill)

Dr. Duchesnes (Nehemiah Persoff)

Eric Swenson (John Savage)

Murphy (Tom Clancy)

Tom (James G Richardson)

Linda Swenson (Eileen McDonough)

Mrs. Harris (Katherine Squire)

Dr. Gruder (Harry Basche)

Susan Gilbert (Nancy Wolfe)

Ricardo (Ronald G Joseph)

Waitress (Peg Shirley)

Pharmacist (Gene Tyburn)

Abby (Chris Gilmore)


*Warlock reads the tag-line*

W: “Athletic youth, aware of his terminal illness, refuses to give up.”

W: Wouldn’t be much of a movie if he gave up.


*Opening graphic “This is a true story”

W: Lovely.


*Eric runs at the beach during the opening credits*

W: Big track star?


*Eric kicks a soccer ball with a sappy song playing*

W: Not exactly KISS or Aerosmith.


*Eric says he’s meeting Tom for practice. His mom Lois spots lesions on his leg and he says its just ringworm*

W: Yeah no, I’ve had it…that ain’t it.


*Linda is looking for chocolate cookies and she leaves for a slumber party*

W: How do you not now where your own kid is going?


*Lois cleans around the house when Paul runs in. He says he’ll see her at supper and asks if Eric is ok. Lois says he’s ok*

W: Yeah no….he’s not.


*Lois gets a phone call from Stan and tells him they’re running tests on Eric. The hospital wants to see them both*

W: That can’t be good.


*Stan and Lois meet Dr Gruder. She wants to talk outside. Meanwhile Eric chats with Tom in his hospital room*

W: This guy died in 1983.


*Dr Gruder tells Stan and Lois that he has a bad form of leukemia. He has 6 months to a year to live. Gruder tells the parents not to tell him*

W: That’s retarded! Tell him.


*Lois tells Eric to get dressed, hes free. Stan throws his shirt at him*

W: Better than his underpants.


*Stan will drive Tom home, Lois goes inside with Eric. She wants him to go to bed and Eric doesn’t want to. He wants to know what’s wrong. Lois doesn’t say anything but he begs her. Lois says he has leukemia and it can be controlled. He asks for how long and Lois says they don’t know*

W: This movie didn’t take long getting grim.


*Eric tells Lois to start dinner. He wants to be alone*

W: Who could blame him?


*Stan visits Eric in his room and says Paul is watching monster movies*

W: I’d rather chill with Paul.


*Eric says he wants to be the one to tell Paul*

W: Better you than me.


*Eric says he thinks he can beat this and shakes hands with his father*

W: Good luck Eric.


*Eric performs for Paul and Linda before Stan leaves for work, the kids go with him. Eric stays behind with Lois. Meanwhile Eric tells his friends he has to go to the hospital and he bullshits them about his health. He and Paul bond*

W: Hard to believe this kid would become one of the most well known actors in 2 years flat and John Savage wasn’t anywhere close.


*Eric suffers a nosebleed in the middle of the street and nearly gets run over by a truck. Paul says they should go home but Eric says they’re gonna go get a burger. They hit up a drive in that serves on rollerskates*

W: They still have places like that in Maine.


*Paul asks Eric what’s really wrong with him and Eric says he has leukemia. Paul slow burns about Eric not telling him. He storms out of the car and knocks trays everywhere. The waitress yells at Eric when Eric goes after him*

W: Somebody has to clean up the mess.


*Eric grabs Paul and has to bearhug him to get him to clam down. Paul “Don’t die” and he starts crying*

W: That’s powerful.


*Eric tells Paul it’ll b alright*

W: Wishful thinking.


*Eric plays soccer on the high school team and Linda is skeptic. Paul is wearing a red flannel shirt*

W: His name is Paul and he’s dressed like Paul Bunyan.


*Eric scores a goal*



*Stan reads a newspaper article that there is a new experimental drug available for leukemia patients*

W: Convienient.


*Doctor tells Lois and Eric the drug would cost 60 grand*

W: Prices were fucked up even in 1975.


*Doc signs off on the drug and Eric gets his perscription filled*

W: Holy moly how could they afford it?


*Eric meets the nurse, Marilyn and says he’ll be seeing her*

W: Awwww, a love interest.


*Lois and Eric ride a ferry across the harbor*

W: Hope it doesn’t sink.


*Lois reads the side effects and gets scared. He’d be all fucked up on the meds*

W: Whatever it takes, I respect that.


*Eric talks loudly about throwing up on the floor and other people look at him*

W: Yeah, that’ll make their lunches even better.


*Eric works out with the soccer team by running up and down the bleachers. Eric falls down the stairs, the team helps him and brings him to the hospital*

W: Coaches these days would be like “Aww get up ya bum.”


*Eric tells the guy that brought him that he’s really important. He mocks the process in a German accent and his friend tells him “Don’t.”

W: Yeah, save your strength.


*Eric kicks the ball against the wall then starts kicking the wall*

W: Yeah solid concrete will show em.


*Dr Hart says Eric needs to stay for a few days, Lois agrees. Eric says to stay out of it*

W: A very troubled young man.


*Lois stares at Eric and says 30,000 dollars for the bottle and they don’t have to pay a penny. Eric stones her. Lois asks what’s wrong but he won’t answer. He’s mad that she’s butting into his business. Eric says he saw a man die and figured that the man stopped fighting, he’s not gonna stop*

W: I see where he’s coming from.


*Eric tells Lois he has to fight it himself. He has to ask about things, how much, etc. Lois says she’s the one who takes care of things. Lois says she’ll try to play by his rules, he thanks her. Next frame is Eric’s birthday, he gets a fountain pen from Lois, a soccer ball from Stan and a cake. Paul nearly breaks the vial of medicine but they laugh about it. Linda runs out mad and Eric has to go console her*

W: Neyz is like her.


*Eric opens Linda’s present, its a wad of cash. Eric figures out its her money she got for babysitting*

W: Awwww.


*Eric kisses her forehead*

W: He’s gonna keep it?


*Stan asks if Eric has enough money for a cab, Eric says ohhhh yeah*

W: Haha.


*Stan and Lois talk about the future. Next frame is Eric running int Marilyn and asks her to celebrate with him at 1:45*

W: Wow, he’s got game.


*Eric skip away*

W: Take a victory lap for that one.


*Eric meets Marilyn at the elevators*

W: He almost groped her.


*Eric offends her within a minute by joking they should get a bridal suite and its dying wish*

W: He almost blew it in record time.


*Eric starts over and asks her to go sightseeing in Seattle with him with a sappy song playing*

W: This music sucks.


*Marilyn says she had a great time and Eric says he has to go in with her. She says enough with the jokes but Eric says this is no joke, he’s dizzy and can’t see out of one eye. She leads him in*

W: Well that turned pretty quickly.


*Eric is pushed back into his bed, Lois cleaned out some of the patrons including Murphy and Ricardo in poker. Stan and Lois want to take him out but Eric says he’s not going anywhere. He says the tumor behind his eye is gone. Eric says maybe they can go out next week. Lois gives Ricardo money for banana splits*

W: Damn she’s generous.


*Eric reads the paper as Murphy lights up a pipe. Murphy asks what Eric’s gonna do when he gets out of there, he says aluminum siding. Next frame has Mrs Harris visiting the ward with Paul and Linda next to Eric. Eric says Mrs. Harris can’t talk anymore. Paul says he has to get going but has a gift for Eric. Its a big floppy bonnet. Ricardo cracks up*

W: What a joker….


*Eric tells Paul his medicine has been cut down so either he’s not gonna make it or he’s out of there in a few days. Next frame is Murphy and Eric eating, Ricardo says hes not hungry. He climbs into bed and Eric says he looks beat. Eric checks his table drawer and there’s a wad of money inside, Ricardo says to spend it well. Eric says what’s good for tomorrow and Ricardo says the shops closed tomorrow. Eric asks whats wrong and Ricardo won’t answer him*

W: He’s dying…damn.


*Eric sings in the supply closet while wearing the bonnet*

W: What the hell is he doing?


*Marilyn finds Eric and he asks how she found him. She says Murphy told her he was upset and she knows when he’s upset he comes here. Eric asks what’s wrong with Ricardo and Marilyn won’t answer either. He asks if its bad and she says its bad. They have to operate tomorrow*

W: That explains why the shops closed tomorrow.


*Marilyn says its against every rule but whether he likes it or not, she’s fallen for him*

W: Florence Nightengale effect.


*Eric’s ward mates are passed out except for him. He looks at Ricardo who’s covered in a bandage before walking outside. He nonchalantly goes to the nurses and says Ricardo is dead*

W: Wouldn’t he have flatlined first?


*Eric sits in the closet and thinks*

W: Probably thinking he’s next.


*Ricardo’s bed is empty as Murphy does the laundry*

W: So much for him.


*Eric pops out of the laundry Murphy left in the laundry room and he wanders out*

W: Its a jailbreak.


*Eric walks up to Marilyn and says Ricardo died. He wants to take Marilyn out with the money he left for him. The sappy song plays again*

W: This damn song again.


*Marilyn tells the cabbie to take them to the Rainer Hotel. Next frame is Eric and Linda playing volleyball against Paul and Marilyn. Eric’s team wins*

W: Luke Skywalker you suck.


*Eric has to drive Marilyn home. Stan, Lois, Linda and Paul hope she comes back again*

W: Awwwww.


*Stan meets Eric by the water. Eric tells Stan he has to go back to the hospital for new treatment. Stan says that stinks*

W: Yeah really.


*Eric says Abby, Ms Golden, Eileen and Perry are all dead. Murphy is the only one left from his ward. Eric is scared he won’t make it and cries. Stan says he will*

W: If he did, there would be no movie.


*Eric is singing in the shower at the hospital. He says the nurses should join him*

W: Worth a shot.


*Eric lays in a bed and tells Marilyn to come in. She can’t because its a sterile room. She says the drugs they’re gonna pump him with will leave him weak and subject to infections. That room being sterile should keep infections away*

W: Good luck Eric.


*Eric says to Marilyn he’ll see her later. Paul, Stan and Lois visit him in full protective gear. They joke a bit before the doctor gets in to inject him. Eric “I’m all yours Frankenstein”

W: Ha.


*Paul, Stan and Lois leave and Murphy asks if Eric is okay, they say yes. We cut to Eric breathing heavily*

W: He doesn’t look okay.


*The doc tells Stan, Lois and Paul that he’s not responding. Paul wants to see Eric. He gets in full gear and tries to hold Eric down, Eric is screaming and breathing heavy*

W: What the hell did they do to him?


*Stan tells Lois that Eric is in a coma. Nurses are coming from all over to see him. Lois asks what for. They all tell Eric to not give up and keep fighting. Lois is concerned*

W: That took a turn for the worse real quick.


*Stan and Lois wait outside for Eric to wake up. Only Paul is in the room with him. Eric wakes up*

W: Prolonged the agony.


*Eric walks along side the ocean, then he runs. Later he runs with Paul in short shorts*

W: So they went from winter to summer?


*Eric reads Little Red Riding Hood to kids*

W: Pacing is becoming an issue. They made it look like he was out for the count but he came back.


*Eric tells the kids to put the books back and he’ll see them in a few days. He tells Marilyn when he got sick he started coming to the library. He saw a kid having trouble reading so he read to him. Another kid showed up and now he’s an attraction. Marilyn says he’s perfect for them because he treats them with respect. Marilyn wants to marry Eric but he doesn’t say anything*

W: Go for it!


*Eric says no. She wants to have kids but Eric says a father is supposed to be around. He loves her but he’s not sure marriage is the right thing to do. She says her heart says she’s married already. Eric says that should be enough for now*

W: Good thinking.


*Eric sits in the doctor’s office. The doc says he’s not responding as well as he’d hoped. He says he may not be okay for much longer. The drugs stopped working. Eric says there must be something they can do, the doc says there’s nothing and he’s sorry*

W: Oh great….wonderful.


*Eric says he doesn’t pull any punches and the doc says why start now?”*

W: Good idea.


*Doc tells him that he can do whatever his body allows him. Eric says to do him a favor and to keep this between them. He doesn’t want Paul, Marilyn or anyone else to know. Doc says sure*

W: Yeah bullshit. We got 15 minutes left, let’s see how this ends.


*Eric celebrates another birthday only this time Marilyn is with the family. They sing Happy Birthday to him*

W: Mark Hamill preparing for the Holiday Special.


*Eric plays the last game of the soccer season and tells the team to put the ball into the net. Lois watches while concerned*

W: If he’s dying, he sure doesn’t look it.


*Eric plays soccer in a montage*

W: This movie didn’t do a good job saying exactly how much time as passed since the start of the movie.


*Eric sets up the game winning goal. His family in the stands celebrate*

W: Bit more realistic than scoring it I suppose.


*Eric’s team celebrates at a party at the Swenson house. Eric plays a sappy song on a guitar to Marilyn. Paul and Linda come downstairs and say they’re gonna sleep outside in December*

W: Are they nuts??


*Radio announcer says Eric led his team to victory and would be a great college soccer prospect*

W: Yeah that ain’t happening.


*Eric tells Lois they ran out of beer, Lois says he looks tired. Lois tells a story how when she was pregnant with Paul that Eric didn’t want him. Then 3 weeks after he was born Eric dragged the cradle in his room so he wouldn’t be alone*

W: Awwww.


*Eric sees everyone passed out outside*

W: How did they not freeze to death? December in Seattle isn’t exactly summer in Atlanta.


*Marilyn wakes up and Eric is gone. She sees him on the beach in the distance. She gets closer and calls out to him, he collapses*

W: Was her breath that bad it knocked him cold from a hundred feet away?


*Marilyn drags Eric out of the water and hugs him close*

W: How about calling an ambulance?


*The family waits in the lobby as Eric is wheeled out. Doc pulls Lois aside and says he’s beaten this before so he hopes he can do it again. Lois wants to see him and Doc says sure*

W: Why do I have the feeling he won’t be coming back?


*Lois, Stan and a nurse wait by Eric’s bed. Stan shows up and he and Lois chat one on one. Lois an Stan tell Marilyn, Linda and Paul they’ll be in the cafeteria. Mrs Harris asks Lois if she can see him, Lois says yes. Mrs Harris says she loves him like a son and Stan is taken aback*

W: That’s powerful.


*Stan and Lois sit and chat. Lois says they need to see him now, he’ll die and they won’t be there. Marilyn tells them to hurry. Lois and Stan run in and Lois says she loves him. Eric tells him to leave and walk for him since he can’t. The sappy song plays as Lois leaves. Lois walks outside as Eric instructed. Paul and Linda say goodbye, Paul says he was the best brother. Stan says he loves Eric and weeps*

W: One left.


*Marilyn is the last to say goodbye. She says he’s almost there. She says she loves him and Eric closes his eyes*

W: That autta do it.


*Lois continues to walk as we flash back to the beginning where Eric runs on the beach. The end credits shows John Savage wrote and performed the sappy song on his own*

W: Least it shows he has talent.


*The end*

W: And that’s it.


The Warlock’s Assessment: I give it a 5 out of 10. It was a drama based on a true story but it wasn’t very exciting. If Mark Hamill wasn’t in it I probably never would have given it a look and I’m sure a lot of others felt the same. It wasn’t bad but it wasn’t good either, it was strictly average. Its a heartwarming and heartbreaking story but it was a made for TV movie. Nothing more, nothing less.

Final Grade: 5 out of 10 – Average


*The Warlock rises from the recliner*

W: Well that wasn’t a complete waste of time but it wasn’t special either. Its a good story and it’ll break your heart but in terms of riveting story, you won’t find that here. You’ll find a kid struggling to fight leukemia in a realistic setting but don’t expect Rocky or Bloodsport. Its something to watch with the misses but not with the guys. Well that about wraps up another adverage adventure, have a pleasant evening.



245. All The President’s Men (1976)

*The Warlock is visiting The Grand Wizard. Warlock is reading the Boston Herald*

W: According to this there’s going to be a movie coming out about the Washington Post starring Tom Hanks and Merryl Street.

Wizard: Is it about Watergate?

W: No, I think it has to do with a Nixon cover up.

Wizard: That WAS a cover up.

W: Wasn’t there a movie about Watergate already?

Wizard: Yeah, it was called All The President’s Men.

W: Do you have it?

Wizard: Yes actually.

*3 minutes later the DVD is in the player*

W: Alright, apparently this is based on a true story starring Robert Redford and Dustin Hoffman. Let’s get started with All The President’s Men.


Written by Bob Woodward, Carl Bernstein and William Goldman

Directed by Alan J Pakula



Carl Bernstein (Dustin Hoffman)

Bob Woodward (Robert Redford)

Harry Rosenfeld (Jack Warden)

Howard Simons (Marin Balsam)

Deep Throat (Hal Holbrook)

Ben Bradlee (Jason Robards)

Bookkeeper (Jane Alexander)

Debbie Sloan (Meredith Baxter)

Dardis (Ned Beatty)

Hugh Sloan (Stephen Collins)

Sally Aiken (Penny Fuller)

Scott (John McMartin)

Donald Segretti (Robert Walden)

Frank Wills (himself)

Arresting Officer 1 (F Murray Abraham)

Bachinski (David Arkin)

Bernard Barker (Henry Calvert)

Eugenio Martinez (Dominic Chianese)

Arguing Attorney (Bryan Clark)

Markham (Nicolas Coster)

Kay Eddy (Lindsay Crouse)

Miss Milland (Valerie Curtin)

Court Clerk (Gene Dynarski)

Virgil Gonzales (Nate Esformes)

Frank Sturgis (Ron Hale)

James McCord (Richard Herd)

Dardis Secretary (Polly Holliday)

Hugh Sloan’s Lawyer (James Karen)

National Editor (Paul Lambert)

Judge (Frank Lattimore)

Alfred Baldwin (Gene Lindsey)

Arresting Officer 2 (Anthony Mannino)

Carolyn Abbot (Allyn Ann McLerie)

Congress Library Clerk (James Murtaugh)

Attorney 1 (John O’Leary)

Joe The FBI Guy (Jess Osuna)

CRP Woman (Neva Patterson)

George (George Pentecost)

Sharon Lyons (Penny Peyser)

Al Lewis (Joshua Shelley)

Bookkeeper’s sister (Sloane Shelton)

Arresting Officer 3 (Lelan Smith)

Male Libarian (Jaye Stewart)

Ray Steuben (Ralph Williams)

Attorney 2 (George Wyner)

Financial Editor (Leroy Aarons)

Reporter (Donnlynn Bennett)

Assistant Metro Editor (Stanley Bennett Clay)

Spiro Agnew (Himself)

Warren Burger (Himself)

Walter Cronkite (Himself)

Thomas Eagleton (Himself)

Gerald Ford (Himself)

Richard Kleindienst (Himself)

Clark MacGregor (Himself)

Pat Nixon (Herself)

Richard Nixon (Himself)

Ronald Ziegler (Himself)


*The Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “The Washington Post reporters Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein uncover the details of the Watergate scandal that leads to President Richard Nixon’s resignation”

Wizard: Uh uh.


*Opening credits*

W: Credits look new, this was 1976.


*Crew breaks into Watergate*

Wizard: This actually happened.


*Black guard discovers a break in and calls the cops*

W: Possible burglary.


*Watergate crew prepares for the heist*

W: What were they stealing?

Wizard: Secrets.


*Their eye in the sky sees armed men looking for them. Everyone scatters when the cops show up*

W: They’re dressed ridiculous.

Wizard: They were on a different stakeout.


*Cops arrest the watergate crew*

W: Busted.


*Harry Rosenfield talks with Howard Simons before Carl Bernstein walks in*

W: Big cast.


*Bob Woodward figures out the burglars have their own counsel*

W: He was a reporter.


*Guy introduces himself as Markharm. He says he’s not there*

W: Figment of our imagination.


*Markham gives him intel and leaves. Starkey is the name given. Starkey says James McCord is involved*

W: This was groundbreaking stuff.


*Woodward keeps grilling Markham for intel and Markham stones him. Mr. Barker is his client. Markharm is representing the men*

W: He’s relentless.


*Bernard Barker, James McCord, Virgil Gonzalez, Eugenio Martinez and Frank Sturgis get their arraignment*

Wizard: These were all real people.


*Barker says he’s anti-communist and the Judge says that’s not a profession*

W: Ha.


*McCord is a security consultant recently rteired from CIA. Sturgis is a salvage operator.  Wooward says holy shit. Back in the newsroom, Woodward, Harry, Howard and the others figure out these guys are all hired CIA guns*

Wizard: Its crackers.


*Bachinski calls Woodward and says Howard Hunt and the White House was in one of their notebooks. Woodward calls the number to the white house*

W: Rotary Phones.


*Secretary says Hunt is in Mr. Colson’s office. Hunt works for Mullen and Charles Colson. Woodward says Ben Bradlee would have Woodward fired for not knowing Colson. Colson is Richard Nixon’s lawyer. Woodward calls Hunt and asks why he was involved with the Watergate burglars and Hunt says good god before no comment. Woodward doodles while asking around for intel*

W: The cover up was as big as the burglary it seems.

Wizard: Much bigger.


*Woodward tries to speak Spanish*

W: Hahahhaa.


*Woodward tells Harry and Howard that Hunt worked directly for Colson. He tells Howard that they were telling him he was innocent before he even asked if he was guilty. Howard sends him away and Harry says not to ignore Bernstein or Woodward because they’re hungry*

W: That’s right, both of them were in 12 Angry Men, I remember now.


*Bernstein lights a cigarette*

Wizard: Back when they could smoke inside.


*Woodward goes to Bernstein and asks how he’s doing*

W: Hey Rain Man, what’s up?


*Bernstein and Woodward are writing the same story and Woodward admits Bernstein’s is better but needs more facts like he pulled. Harry walks out and says they’re both working the story*

W: Just like that.


*Berntein questions a lovely young lady about the White House. She says the White House was paranoid about Ted Kennedy*

W: The only one left alive at that point.


*Bernstein makes a call to confirm Hunt really was after Ted Kennedy. He types out a story on a typewriter*

Wizard: If you missed a letter you are sorry.


*Librarian admits she knows Hunt was checking out books before she changes her story. Bernstein can tell someones’s in her ear and Woodward figures out that they were after the Pentagon Papers*

Wizard: Ohhh that’s right.


*Woodward calls Ken Clawson and asks why the librarian admitted Hunt rented books but then said she has no idea who he was. Clawson says he’ll look into it*

W: Yeah right.


*Clawson says the librarian denied Carl even called her. Carl says “Total bullshit”

W: Hahahaha.


*Woodward tells Mona to take his calls as he and Carl hit up the Library of Congress*

W: Didn’t we drive there?

Wizard: Passed, yes.


*Libararian says the White House transactions are confidential*

W: That’s not gonna work.


*Carl and Bob sort threw library check out cards*

W: This is why computers were invented.


*Long overhead shot of the Library*

W: Nice padding.


*Bob says they pulled the cards because theyremissing. Carl says he knows an aide. Back at the news room Carl, Harry and Bob discuss how to type this all out. Ben Bradlee shows up and Harry hands him the piece Carl and Bob worked on. Ben reads it and says they don’t have enough proof to publish yet*

Wizard: Shut down.


*Woodward calls his old friend and the friend tells him don’t call him again about Nixon*

W: How powerful was he?

Wizard: He employed some very bad and shady men.


*Bob opens his morning paper and finds a note in it to contact a source secretly*

W: Is that supposed to be Deep Throat?


*Bob catches a taxi to meet his source in a parking garage*

Wizard: I haven’t seen this movie in its entirety since it was in theaters.


*Bob meets Deep Throat*

Wizard: He looks a lot younger here.


*Bob tells him Hunt worked for Colson and was investigating Ted Kennedy. He says Gordon Liddy was fired by Mitchell for not talking. Throat says Liddy once intentionally burnt himself on a candle to prove he was a tough guy. Bob says they don’t have enough proof to publish yet and needs his help*

W: This actually happened?

Wizard: Sort of.


*Bob and Carl figure out that Bernard Barker got arrested in Florida. Dardis was investigating on behalf of Miami PD. Carl goes to meet wth Dardis but his secretary says she’ll try to squeeze him in. Secretary stones him cold and Carl leaves*

W: Jesus.


*Mr Martinson want’s all of Dardis’ records, it was Carl in disguise*

Wizard: Brilliant.


*Bernstein meets Dardis*

W: Its Ned Beatty.


*Secretary walks in*

W: Haha he fooled you.


*Dardis says he doesn’t have time to give him the phone records of Barker. Carl says he needs it by tonight. Dardis says he can have it but not use him as a source*

W: Is that legal?

Wizard: Yes.


*Carl goes through the records and finds a name Ken Dahlberg. He tells Bob to check him out but he can’t find anything. Dahlberg was awarded a medal by Hubert Humphrey*

W: Didn’t Belushi make fun of Humphrey on SNL?

Wizard: No, that was Kissinger.


*Bob calls Dahlberg and asks him why his name is on a 25,000 dollar check. Dahlberg tells him his neighbor’s wife has been kidnapped and Bob undeterred asked him how his check made it to Barker but the line cuts*

W: This is insane.


*Bob called Mr. McGregor and McGregor says this was Mitchell’s call, not his. McGregor is running Nixon’s re-election campaign. Dahlberg calls back and says he works for the Commitee to Elect the President. Bob asks how his check got into Barker’s account. Dahlberg says Maurice Stans took it. Bob tells both Dahlberg and McGregor to have a good day and starts typing*

W: He’s got the scooop.


*Bob gets a call from Carl and Bob says Dahlberg says Maurice Stans did the transaction. Its a blurb in the Post*

W: All that for a blurb?


*Bradlee’s team goes over that day’s news stories*

W: Reminds me of The Paper.


*Howard, Ben and Harry all make fun of the headlines*

Wizard: Yeah, this is pretty accurate.


*Eagleton bows out of 72 race*

W: Imagine if he didn’t?

Wizard: I try not too.


*Harry tries to vouch for the Dahlberg story but Howard and Bradlee aren’t interested. Harry calls the duo Woodstein*

W: Woodstein.


*Bradlee says they can’t get the story wrong, its too risky. Bradlee meets with Scott alone and Scott says everything they print the White House denies. Scott says they got 5 reporters on Watergate, why are they stoning them*

Wizard: Why indeed.


*Carl and Bob walk into Ben’s office where Howard is too. Mickey tries to run crosswords*

W: No way.


*Carl says CREEP has a slush fund of hundreds of thousands of dollars. Bob says they need to find the money. Howard says Deep Throat is the source. Bradlee says they need solid proof or they can’t publish. Bob and Carl need time and luck*

W: If they ddn’t get it, there would be no movie.


*Carl berates Bob for saying they had no luck. Bob says “Is there any place you don’t smoke?”

W: Ha.


*Bob and Carl visit Kay Eddy and ask if she’s still with the Committee guy. She says no and she can’t ask him*

W: So much for that.


*Bob gets intel from Kay Eddy and Bob is stunned, its all the members of CREEP. Mitchell is on it at 301 and Brenda Jaspers is 303. They need to find the connection between Maurice Stans and Barker. Hugh Sloan is 287 and Bob and Carl get stoned by everyone that works for CREEP*

W: Jesus how corrupt were these guys?


*Bob and Carl ask about the shredding of important papers, she can’t answer.  They argue that they have nothing*

W: Bradlee wants facts, they have none.


*The woman they visit says to go away before “they” see them. They ask who they are. She shuts the door on them. Bob and Carl says there’s a cover up going on*

W: Duh.


*Everyone working for CREEP shuts them out. Bob says theres a pattern that NOBODY is talking.  Mrs Hambling asks who gave her up and they say they can’t reveal that. She yells at them she’s loyal to Nixon. Carolyn Abbot says she’ll talk to them*

W: A breakthrough.


*She works for Garfinkel’s in accounting. They realize she knows nothing*

W: That didn’t work.


*Carl and Bob says they need to find the Bookeepr for Sloan and Stans. They run through the list*

W: These were all real people?

Wizard: Yep.


*Bob and Carl tell Harry there’s a cover up going on. Harry says the 5 burglars, Hunt and Liddy are going down but that’s it, the story gets buried. The actual Nixon re-election press conference held by Gerald Ford is shown. The crowd chants “Four more years!”

W: Imagine that for Trump?

Wizard: Oh god help us.


*GAO report saying Bob and Carl’s story has been delayed and they’re expected to criticise the committee*

W:  Damn.


*Carl visits a woman and invites himself in to light a cigarette. Its the Bookeeper*

Wizard: Imagine barging into someone’s house and lighting a butt.


*Bookeeper says she never worked for Sloan or Stans. Carl sits down but Bookeeper says she won’t tell him anything*

Wizard: I recognize her, that’s Jane Alexander.

W: What was she in?

Wizard: Mostly TV movies.


*Carl asks if she’s been threatened if she tells the truth, she says not exactly.  Carl asks about the 350 grand in the safe of CREEP. She says people are watching her. She thought it was an all purpose political fund. Carl asks how it was paid out and she says not in one big chunk. There was 15 names and portions went to those 15 names. The record of those names was destroyed. Carl says he has a very bad memory and her name won’t be revealed. Bookeeper says people are worried about being exposed but she wont tell Carl who. She says 5 men were involved for sure and he asks if Sloan knows. She doesn’t want to say anymore. Carl says how much money was nvolved and she says “so much of it” She says in one period of 2 days, 6 million in cash went in*

W: Six million?


*She claims Liddy handled it. She says the only one she cares about is Sloan. Carl says Hugh Sloan could be the fall guy for John Mitchell. She says if John Mitchell goes down that would be beautiful. Carl asks if there’s any evidence Mitchell’s assistants were involved and she says Gordon destroyed the evidence. He asks who got the money but she won’t answer. We go back to Carl and Bob*

W: About time.


*Carl is operating on 20 cups of coffee*

Wizard: Ha.


*Carl gives Bob the scoop of what he learned. Bob says she is afraid of John Mitchell and Carl is afraid of Walter Cronkite*

W: Good one.


*L, P and M worked under Mitchell, that’s all Carl could get out of her. Mitchell could be the M. Sloan was the treasurer of CREEP and Carl says L must be Liddy*

W: Who’s P?


*Carl says there’s a Porter who worked for Creep. Bob figures M is Magruder, not Mitchell. Bob says they have to go back to Bookeeper and get her to say Magruder. Carl says that’s impossible. Bob says to trick her by saying they know who P is to get her into believing they know more*

W: Good luck.


*Carl comes back to her house with Bob in tow. Carl asks her something and she says people in CREEP know about them. Bob says they know P is Porter and he got 25 grand, she confirms it. Bob asks if M is Magruder and if he received money, she says yes. She asks how they figured out Porter but they don’t answer*

W: Magruder…that crook?

Wizard: Yes, that one.


*The attorney general says he didn’t know the evidence was shredded*

Wizard: Horseshit.


*Bob and Carl visit Hugh Sloan’s house and Mrs. Sloan answers. She says this is an honest house but Hugh lets them in*

W: Heh, its the pedophile from 7th Heaven.


*Sloan says he believes in Nixon. He says Nixon didn’t know about it*

W and Wizard at the same time: Bullshit!


*Sloan says it wasn’t 350 grand, it was a million in there. He handled the money. Carl says they need the 5 main players. They figure Mitchell, Stans and Magruder were 3 and Sloan confirms but won’t release the names of the other two. Carl says Kalmbach, Nixon’s personal lawyer but Sloan refuses to confirm*

W: That would make four.


*Sloan says his baby is due next month but it will be hard to find a job. Bob asks him how he handled the money. Sloan says he called Mitchell and said hand it out. Back in the newsroom Carl and Bob report to Harry and Howard of the 5 men that handled the CREEP slush fund, the three confirmed were Magruder, Mitchell and Stans. Kalmbach is a possible fourth. Bradlee wants to wait until they get all 5 confirmed*

W: Good point.


*Bradlee shouts that they can’t accuse the attorney general of being a crook without any proof*

Wizard: So they don’t get sued.


*Carl asks about Mitchell’s involvement. He says Kate Graham is gonna get her tit caught in a ringer*

W: Who?

Wizard: She was the publisher of the Washington Post.


*Bradlee tells a story of how he got J Edgar Hoover elected as head of FBI for life as a personal vendetta headed by Lyndon Johnson. Johnson said “Call Ben Bradlee and tell him fuck you!”

W: Ha.


*Bradlee tells Carl an Bob that he hates trusting anybody*

W: Was he blessing or cursing them?

Wizard: Both.


*Post prints that Mitchell controlled a secret GOP fund*

W: Ha, they printed it.


*Kronkite himself gives the news that Mitchell was head of the GOP fund. Spiro Agnew says that was counterproductive*

Wizard: The original fake news.


*Carl hangs out outside the White House talking to the hea of the FBI and FBI guy says they’re going to re-investigate Mitchell. The guy’s name is Joe. Joe says he does what he’s told. Carl asks what orders*

W: Yeah, what?


*Carl tells Bob that Alex Shipley and Donald Segretti were involved and FBI investigated them. They were asked to sabotage the democrats and Nixon’s opponents. Carl and Bob visit Segretti himself and he asks them if they want coffee*

W: Better than running them off with a shotgun.


*Segretti chats with Carl*

Wizard: He was a reporter in Lou Grant.

W: The actor?

Wizard: Yes.


*Segretti says he’s most likely going to jail but he doesn’t know what he did wrong. He said it wasn’t his idea. Segretti says Chapin came to him. Carl knows they were college buddies along with Dwight and Ziegler. Segreti was “rat fucking”*

W: Nice term.


*Segretti says Chapin called him about working for Nixon. Segretti says Dwight did what he was told. We cut to Bob meeting Deep Throat*

W: Him again.


*Segretti won’t go on record to implicate Chapin*

W: No one will.


*Bob asks how high up this goes and Deep Throat says to figure it out himself. Bob asks why nothing else but the break in was looked into and Deep Throat confirms that they were told off. Throat says CREEP are running off Nixon opponents left and right and Segretti is too small to pull it all off. Bob figures out this goes all the way to the top*

W: Everyone was in on this.


*Bob runs out into the street and looks around*

W: What?

Wizard: He’s afraid he’s being followed.

W: Why, if they kill him EVERYONE would investigate it?


*Carl asks for a cigarette*

W: He’s worse than Constantine.


*Carl figures out who wrote the Canuck letter, Sally can help*

W: What’s that?

Wizard: The letter that sabotaged Muskie from running for the Democratic Primary.

W: Oh yeah….


*Bob calls Clawson about the Canuck letter and he stones him cold. Carl says that wasn’t exactly a denial. Clawson calls and Sally rats him out to Bob and Carl. Sally invites him over for a drink and Clawson calls Bradlee himself. Clawson denies the Canuck letter and says he has a wife, a family, a dog and a cat*

W: The cat is most important.


*Bradlee says he doesn’t care if Clawson was at Sally’s house, he wants to know what he said to her. Meanwhile Carl gets a tip the FBI financed Segretti. Over lunch Carl says Haldeman must be the fifth man*

W: Would make sense.


*Bob and Carl say they need Sloan to confirm Haldeman as the fifth man. Bob and Carl appear outside Sloans window, he freaks*

W: Ha.


*Carl and Bob ask Sloan if its confirmed that Haldeman is the fifth man. He won’t directly say but he says if the Post prints that he’s the fifth man, he won’t mind*

W: Creative.


*Carl calls Joe and says the FBI blew the entire investigation. Joe says JOHN Haldeman is involved. BAck in the newsroom Carl, Howard, Harry, Bradlee and Bob discuss what to do. Bradlee says they need sources. Carl “How many fucking sources do we need?”

W: Yeah really.


*Carl and Bob call people to get scources that Mitchell, Kalmbach, Magruder, Porter and Haldeman controlled the slush fund and Carl’s source cnfirms it. Bradlee says they’ll run it tomorrow but Carl convinces him to run it tonight. They print it. Next frame is Bradlee shouting “WOODSTEIN!”

W: Uh oh.


*Sloan resigns from Nixon’s party and denies confirming Haldeman. Ronald Ziegler attacked the Washington Post verbally and says Ben Bradlee is behind this*

W: That’s the real Ziegler?

Wizard: Yes.


*Ziegler denies the story is true. MacGregor denies it as well. Carl and Bob grill Joe about how the FBI bungled this so badly. He won’t talk either. He tells them both “Fuck you” and leaves*

W: He’s dirty too.


*Bob and Carl asks what they did wrong. Carl says nothing, they were set up. Harry says Ben needs to make a statement. Bradlee says fuck them, they’ll stand by the story. Scott says North Vietnam wants to settle with the US*

W: That’s a shit story for another day.


*Bob overslept and forgot to meet Deep Throat. He takes a cab while avoiding a car following him*

W: Still paranoid.


*Deep Throat says they let Haldeman slip away. Bob says if they’re wrong they’ll resign but he wants to know if they’re wrong. Deep Throat says Haldeman was behind it all. He says Bob will have to find out how he was insulated. Mitchell was crooked from the very beginning. Throat says the cover up wasn’t so much about Watergate but about the sabotaging operations theyd been pulling for years*

W: Deep stuff no pun intended.


*Throat says their lives are in danger and Bob staggers to Carl’s house, putting on a record player so no one hears him. Bob types on a typewriter to Carl standing next to him that theyre bugged. They visit Ben at his house and ask to see him outside. Sloan wanted to testify but no one asked him. Everyone is involved and Bradlee says to go home and rest…for 15 minutes. Bradlee says this is about freedom of the press*

W: Yeah really.


*Bradlee says if they fuck up again he’s gonna get mad. Bob and Carl leave and head back to the newsroom. We see Nixon taking oath*

W: I am not a crook, right?

Wizard: No, its him taking the oath of office.


*Hail to the Chief plays*

W: Bob Backlund in the house.


*January 11, 1973 Hunt pleads guilty to 3 counts of conspiracy and burglary. August 17, 1973 Magrudr pleads gulty to helping plan Watergate. November 5, 1973 Segretti sentenced to 6 months in prison. February 26, 1974 Kalmbach pleads guilty to illegal White House fundraising. April 6, 1974 Chapin guilty of lying to grand jury. April 12, 1974 Porter gets 30 days in jail  for lying to FBI. May 17, 1974 Kleindiensti enters guilty plea for obstruction of justice. June 4, 1974 Colson pleads guilty to felony, obstruction of justice. March 13, 1975 Stans pleads guilty to illegal fundraising. January 2, 1975 Mitchell, Haldeman, Erlichman guilty on all counts*

Wizard: They were known as the sauerkraut mafia, they were all German.*


*August 6, 1974 Nixon admits cover up of Watergate, says he won’t resign. August 9, 1974 Nixon resigns.

D: I was at Northeasten when this happened. I was on the Co-Op program.


*End credits*

W: It took years to bag everyone.

Wizard: Nixon blocked the Post from investigating, it took everyone to get in on it.


The Grand Wizard has no assessment.

The Warlock’s Assessment: I give it a 8 out of 10. There’s no action, its strictly a drama and a lot of it is actually true. 2 points off because they blitzed through the end instead of showing all these guys going down, but that’s nitpicking. Its a very educational movie that shows how the Post uncovered the cover up if you will. Its definitely worth a look at least once.

Final Grade: 8 out of 10 – Outstanding


*The Warlock rises from the couch*

W: Well that was pretty damn good. If you want a mostly accurate account of how the Washington Post took down Nixon, this is it right here. If everyone thinks Donald Trump is bad news, then Nixon set the standard for bad news. This all played out between 1972 and 1975 and this movie told the whole story through the eyes of the real Woodward and Bernstein. Definitely worth taking a look. That about wraps up another educational adventure, have a pleasant evening.

244. Freaky Friday (2003)

*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black leather jacket, ICE CREAM MAN POLICE DEPARTMENT  t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a silver thermos of root beer*

Warlock: Welcome to my lair…welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock shouts at the top of his lungs that Havlicek stole the ball before walking inside*

Warlock: Tonight’s movie is a special donation. Lady T was having a yard sale and I picked this up for……FREE! NYAHAHAHAHAHA!

*Neyzor Blades is sitting in the recliner wearing standard attire*

Neyz: That’s because she gave it to you, you butt ventriloquist.

Warlock: Whatever, meaning if it sucks, I spent nothing on it.

Neyz: What is it?

Warlock: We’re doing the 2003 remake of Freaky Friday.

Neyz: What the hell for?

Warlock: I got it for free, can’t turn down free stuff.

Neyz: Ughhhh, remakes usually suck.

Warlock: You bet your bippy they do.

*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*

Warlock: So let’s get started with Freaky Friday.


Written by Mary Rodgers, Heather Hach and Leslie Dixon.

Directed by Mark Waters



Tess Coleman (Jamie Lee Curtis)

Anna Coleman (Lindsey Lohan)

Ryan (Mark Harmon)

Grandpa (Harold Gould)

Jake (Chad Michael Murray)

Mr. Bates (Stephen Toblowsky)

Maddie (Christina Vidal)

Harry Coleman (Ryan Malgarini)

Peg (Haley Hudson)

Pei-Pei (Rosalind Chao)

Pei-Pei’s Mom (Lucille Soong)

Evan (Willie Garson)

Dottie Robertson (Dina Waters)

Stacey Hinkhouse (Julie Gonzalo)

Same Shirt Girl (Christina Marie Walter)

Detention Monitor (Lu Elrod)

Gym Teacher (Heather Hach)

Butcher Woman (Lorna Scott)

Boris (Marc McLure)

Mr. Waters (Chris Heuisler)

Harry’s Teacher (Erica Gimpel)

Bouncer (Lee Burns)

Diary Reading Patient (Mary Ellen Trainor)

Depressed Patient (Jeffrey Marcus)

Ethan (Chris Carlberg)

Scott (Danny Rubin)


*Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “An overworked mother and her daughter do not get along. When they switch bodies, each is forced to adapt to the other’s life for one freaky Friday”

Neyz: Yeah I know


*Disney opening*

Neyz: That’s my favorite.


*The Turtles – Happy Together plays over opening credits*

W: I love this song. So happy togetherrrrrrrrr.

N: Please don’t sing.


*Tess wakes up Anna as Simple Plan’s cover of Happy Together plays*

W: This went south real fast.


*Tess tries to pull Anna out of bed, can’t do it. Harry uses a blowhorn to wake her up*

W and N: Hahahahaha


*Anna doesn’t have her permit. Harry blows raspeberry at her, she calls him a troll*

W: Hahaha.


*Maddie is mad that Anna is wearing the same shrt as some girl. Jake walks by and Anna can’t talk to him*

W: Do girls really talk like this?


*Tess tries to answer a PDA and runs over the Do Not Enter spikes*

W: Hahahahahahahahah


*Teacher gives Anna and F “preposterus” Anna says her teacher is an ego driven maniac with no hair. She gets detention and she swaps sandwhiches with the detention lady*

W: I knew some kids who had lifetime detention that were like that.


*Tess meets with Evan. Tess is a psychiatrist. Meanwhile Anna gets hit in the face with a volleyball. She nails another girl in the back of the head and gets detention. She gives the lady a gatorade*

W: Ha!


*Harry calls Tess and asks if he can use power tools*

W: Oh no, I’ve had enough of power tools this week.


*Anna drops her bag, Jake picks up her guitar pick and they bond until Mr. Bates crashes the party. He gives her shit about her honors test exam and Jake leaves*

W: This guy’s a clown.


*Harry uses her guitar as a drum kit. In the basement Anna is a member of the band Pink Slip. They play teen angst music*

W: Please tell me the soundtrack is better than teen angst.


*Harry runs outside with a jockstrap strapped to his face*

W: Hahahaha.


*Grandpa walks in and Tess can’t talk because the music is so loud. Ryan walks in*


N: Oh no is this another NCIS movie?

W: Hell no.

N: Why are you having more fun with this movie than me?


*Tess shuts the power off so the band stops. Ryan tries to stop Harry from eating dessert before dinner then tells him make sure Tess doesn’t see them. He kisses her and Harry tells them to get a room. He motions ice cream and they run*

W: Ha.


*Tess gets a call she doesn’t like but we cut to Pink Slip, Anna’s band. Pink Slip is playing tomorrow night at the House of Blues but Anna’s got Tess’ rehearsal dinner that night. She’ll says she’ll think of something as Grandpa hugs the wrong girl*

W: Ha…again.


*Anna goes up to her room and Harry and his friends are reading her diary. She charges and screams to get out of her room. The runts beat a hasty retreat but Anna notices she has no door. Downstairs Ryan says Anna noticed and Grandpa says he has to go check out the Lakers, Ryan says he’ll join him*

W: Run Gibbs, run.


*Tess is sitting at the dining room table and says she just got off the phone with Anna’s principal and Anna screams she has no door. Tess says privacy is a privilege and she won’t return her door. Anna says she’ll kill herself and Harry says he wants to see that. Anna chases him away and Tess asks how she got detention twice in one day*

W: Wait wait wait, you can’t get detention twice in one day, it was after school when I was there. Its not like you can leave and get it again.


*Anna explains that Stacey kept hitting her with a volleyball. Tess wonders why she got an F in English and Anna says Mr. Bates is out to get her. She slips that she saw Jake and Tess says he was in detention. Ryan tries to diffuse the situation by saying they’re getting Chinese*

W: Gibbs to the rescue.


*Ryan tries to get on Anna’s good side but Grandpa tells him to stop groveling*

N: Thats you.


*Pei-Pei tries to tell her mom not to get inolved. Anna says Tess wouldn’t last one second in high school. Tess says Anna’s not going to the audtition because she says so. Pei-Pei’s mom tells them to knock it off in Chinese*

W: Was that Mandarin or Cantonese?

N: Lindsey Lohan was never the same after this movie.


*Tess and Anna recite their fortune’s together and it causes an Earthquake*

W: THAT’S how they explain it


*Nobody else notices the Earthquake. Pei-Pei’s mom smiles*

W: Is there such thing as Chinese voodoo?

N: That’s interesting how they laid like that.


*Tess wakes up in Anna’s body. Tess grabs her ass and says “That’s not mine”

W: I’m gonna go jerk off now.

N: You will not!


<Tess and Anna will now be referred to as themselves trapped in each other’s bodies>


*Tess tries to wake up Anna and can’t*

N: Look.


*Anna “‘I’m old! I’m like the Cryptkeeper!”

W: Hahahahhaa.


*Anna says they need to run into each other to reverse the curse. It fails*

N: Haha.


*Anna scares off Harry*

W: Hahahahha.


*Ryan walks in and says Tess needed a ride to work. Anna asks if he can chill for a minute, he says sure. Grandpa is getting in the wrong car*

W: This movie is funnier than I expected. I mean the original was better but still.


*Anna and Tess realize Mrs Pei-Pei put a curse on them. Tess say she’ll go to school but Anna has to see Evan*

W: That’s gonna be awkward.


*Tess screams because Anna’s pierced her naval. Harry sees Anna pulling her pants up and says erghhh*

W: The funny thing is Jamie Lee Curtis at 44 years old during filming probably looked better in a thong than a lot of actresses playing the high school girls did.


*Anna and Tess are in the car with Ryan and Harry. Harry whacks Tess and Anna says this is what goes on behind her back. They insult each other and Ryan is confused. Ryan shows Anna affection and Tess tells her to go with it*

N: Poor Mark Harmon.


*Tess and Anna get out of the car, Jake shows Tess affection and Anna tells Tess to walk with him. Ryan asks Harry who that was and Harry says its Anna’s boyfriend. Anna bullies Harry and Tess blows Jake off*

N: Awwwwwww


*Stacey pulls a prank on Tess and Tess says she’ll be calling her mother*

W: Ha.


*Tess tells Maddie they shouldn’t be engaging in physical contact. Meanwhile Ryan tries to kiss Anna and Anna blows him off. Ryan asks if she’ll be driving and Anna says most definitely*

W: I remember that from the first movie.


*Teen angst cover of What I Like About You*

W: Oh barf.


*Anna goes on a shopping spree, pierces her ears and gets a haircut*

N: Spending all their money.


*Anna gets freaked out when Tess’ cellphone buzzes. She runs to the office and takes a call. She cancels the root canal appointment Tess was supposed to have. Anna figures out Tess is farsighted “Woah she’s blind”

W: Ha.


*Evan walks in and Anna calls him Kevin. The caterer calls and Anna blows him off*

N: She’s ruining Tess’ life.


*Mr. Bates says they’re going to have a pop quiz on Hamlet. Tess catches herself before she says she was in the play in high school. A kid in class has no idea who Hamlet is and the teacher gives him a B*

N: I’d kill that guy.


*Mr. Bates asks Tess what the conflicts in the play are and she answers perfectly. Bates gives her an F*

W: I’D kill that guy.


*Anna sees Tess’ patients. Anna is completely miffed when a mom read her daughter’s diary. She says she wouldn’t be writing about having sex with a boy, she’d be doing it*

N: That’s wonderful.


*Tess wants to speak with Mr. Bates and he says that would be pointless because his grades are final. He quotes Macbeth instead of Hamlet and Tess realizes that he’s Elton Bates from her old high school. She totally destroys his character by saying he’s acting like a dick to Anna because she turned him down in high school. Tess says she’s going to the school board if he doesn’t treat Anna fairly. Before she leaves, Tess says she had a boyfriend at the time and Elton was weird*

W and N: YESSSS!!!


*Tess blows off Anna’s friends by saying she won’t be at the band audition because she’s going to the wedding rehearsal dinner. Tess waits outside and Anna drives by like a maniac. Tess is horrified what Anna did to her hair*

N: Hahaha look at her face.


*Anna and Tess discuss poor eating habits. Anna can’t eat a french fry because it’ll show up on Tess thighs. Tess says whatever she eats will blow Anna up like a balloon*

N: Don’t you get any ideas.

W: I haven’t said anything yet.


*Anna and Tess confront Pei-Pei about her mother. Pei-Pei in Chinese yells at her mom about the fortune cookie. Pei-Pei reminds her that Tess is getting married tomorrow. Her mom didn’t know, Pei-Pei says they can fix it themselves. Anna says to hit her. When they make selfless acts, the curse is broken. Anna lets it slip she blew off the caterer. Tess hugs Anna and everyone stares*

W: Ha.


*Anna has to go to Harry’s PTC and she shows up with Harry sitting outside the room. Harry’s teacher says he’s having trouble with bullies and math. Harry’s teacher shows Anna and essay Harry wrote saying Anna is the best and she is shocked. She reads it and smiles. Anna confronts Harry and Harry says not to tell Anna because they have too much fun fighting. Anna says not really*

W: Haha.


*Tess confronts Stacey but Stacey blows her off. Meanwhile Ryan wants some and Anna is reluctant.  Ryan takes Anna on the Dottie Robertson show to promote Tess new book and Anna has to be dragged on stage. Anna’s voice reads the title. Meanwhile Tess takes a test and Stacey gets her thrown in detention. Tess tries to escape and runs into Jake. Jake says he can help her finish the test. Jake says he doesn’t get detention, he works there*

W: What?


*Jake brings Tess into the teacher’s lounge in slow mo*

W: Way to pad it out.


*Jake finds Anna’s test and tells her to finish. Tess thanks him. Meanwhile Dottie says she’s actually read her book and Anna says that makes one of them*

W: Ha.


*Dottie asks her about writing the book. Anna “I wrote it”

N: Thats you.


*Tess finds Stacey’s test and writes “I’m Stupid” on it*

N: Cunt!


*Anna goes on a rant about old people and Tess watches horrified*

W: Hahahaha.


*Tess says Anna will live an Amish existience for the next year as Anna bodysurfs through the crowd*

W: Hahahahaha


*Jake blows Anna off and rides off*

W: She deserved that.


*Grandpa say that’s the first time Tess hasn’t put him to sleep. Meanwhile Anna goes to get coffee and Jake is working there. They start to bond*

W: Oh I see where this is going.


*Jake cant stand the White Stripes and sings Hit Me Baby One More Time with Anna*

W: Tony Bennett’s version is better.


*Anna realizes Jake is after Tess and tries to leave. Jake gives her a ride back home as Tess looks for the fortune. Ryan notices Tess on the motorcycle with Jake*

W: Oh shit.


*Tess confronts Anna and Tess asks what Anna doesn’t like about Ryan, Anna says nothing’s wrong with him. Ryan barges in and asks why he saw Tess on the back of a harley. Tess answers for Anna that Anna told her to check him out for her and Tess approves. Ryan feels better*

N: Awww.


*Jake sings Hit Me Baby One More Time wanting Tess and Tess in Anna’s body tries to talk sense into Jake. She kisses Jake and says to get someone her age before slapping him to shape him up*

W: Ha.


*Jake followed them there while Anna’s friends kidnap Tess*

N: What a creep on his part.


*Jake tries to confess his love for Tess and Anna says its Anna she likes. Ryan hits the bar and Anna says she lost an earring. 2 security guards walk up with Anna’s friends and asks what to do about them. Ryan says Anna can go. “What are you still doing here? Go”

W: That’s Gibbs.


*Ryan goes on a rant saying he loves Tess and her family and Anna respects him. Ryan says to go be with her daugther and Anna kisses her cheek*

N: Thats so sweet.


*Tess cant play guitar*

W: Oh shit, that’s right. Tess can’t play.


*pink Slips takes the stage and Tess freezes*

W: Oh shit stage fright.


*Anna runs up to Tess and tells her to act like Keith Richards. Anna picks up a guitar and plays it, Tess acts like she’s doing it*

W: Just like Singing In The Rain.


*Jake screams that Anna rocks*

W: Hahahaha.


*The guy says Pink Slip is in, Tess and Anna hug. Tess says Ryan and they run! Meanwhile Grandpa says his first wife ran away. Ryan “Don’t make me hurt you”

N: Ha.


*Tess asks Anna to postpone the wedding and Anna protests. Tess says if Ryan loves her he’ll understand and Anna says she knows what to say*

N: Oh that’s so sad.


*Anna goes to Ryan and makes a toast. Anna makes a speech that 3 years ago her father died and Ryan came in to save the day. Anna says no one could ever take the place of her dad but someone new could be apart of their family. Anna says Ryan is special.

N: I can’t handle it!


*Another earthquake switches Anna and Tess back to normal. Anna says welcome to the family Ryan. Ryan asks what the hell just happened and Tess says he doesn’t want to know*

N: Awww yay.


*Anna and Tess say they love each other as Jake shows up in coat and tie. Anna goes up to Jake and Jake says he feels really stupid*

W: You are.


*Jake wants to reset and start again, he takes her hand and they dance*

N: He wasnt invited to the wedding, how’d he get there?

W: There’s 10 minutes left, what could go wrong?


*Jake and Anna kiss*

W: 4 years later he’s on One Tree Hill and she’s in rehab. He’s like “Bahhahaha”


*Grandpa asks Harry to ask a girl to dance. Harry says no. Grandpa says youth is wasted on the young and Harry tells him to do it. Pei Pei’s mom hands them fortune cookies and Pei-Pei tackles them before they open them*

N: You asked what could go wrong, there ya go.


*End credits have a music video of Pink Slip playing at the wedding*

W: 7 minutes of credits?

N: 3 minute music video, 4 minute credits?

W: That may be right.


*Simple Plan’s Happy Together plays again*

W: Oh God no.



Neyzor Blades Assessment: I liked it…5 out of 10.

Warlock’s Assessment: I never ever thought I’d say this but I give it a 6 out of 10. No seriously, I laughed, I thought it was good. I liked Mark Harmon and Jamie Lee Curtis, a sober Lindsey Lohan was fun. Good god I can’t believe it but I give it a 6. Seriously, it wasn’t great but it didn’t totally suck either.

Final Grade: 5.5 out of 10 – Above Average


*The Warlock rises from the couch*

W: I can’t believe it, that was actually good. This has been one crazy fucking week. I walked into Driller Killer thinking it was gonna be at least fun and it was one of the worst movies of all time. I walk into this thinking its gonna suck and it turned out to be fun. Seriously, the 2003 remake of Freaky Friday is better than The Driller Killer, its the end of the world, the apocalypse…AHHHH…AHHHH!

N: Will you shut up?

W:……Thank you. Anyway that does it for Freaky Friday. Have a pleasant evening.

243. Near Dark (1987)

*The Warlock is driving to Mr. America’s Base in his 1958 Plymouth Fury. The guard outside the fortress asks for ID and Warlock just stares at him before the guard lets him pass. Warlock pulls in front of a barracks, parks the car next to a panzer tank and gets out. He heads for the main hall and turns right to officer’s quarters. He finds Mr. America’s common area where Mr. America is sitting in his recliner watching Patton*

Warlock: TEN-HUT!

*America nearly falls out of the recliner and stands up*

America: Oh its you, I thought you were the damn General. What the hell are you doing here?

Warlock: Well you have to drive your damn panzer and dig up my street so much, I figured to bring the battle to you this time.

America: Battle?

*Warlock shows a DVD in his hand*

America: Oh, well what is it?

*Warlock pops the DVD into America’s blu-ray player as America sits back in his recliner. Warlock pulls up a chair*

W: Tonight’s movie is NEAR DARK, the 1987 thriller starring Lance Henriksen, Jennette Goldstein and Bill Paxton as vampires.

A: If nothing else it has a good cast.

W: Will a good cast be good enough for a vampire movie? Let’s find out, its time for Near Dark.


Written by Kathryn Bigelow and Eric Red

Directed by Kathryn Bigelow



Caleb Colton (Adrian Pasdar)

Mae (Jenny Wright)

Jesse Hooker (Lance Henriksen)

Severen (Bill Paxton)

Diamondback (Jenette Goldstein)

Loy Colton (Tim Thomerson)

Homer (Joshua Miller)

Sarah Colton (Marcie Leeds)

Deputy Sheriff (Kenny Call)

Ticket Seller (Ed Corbett)

Plainclothes (Troy Evans)

Sheriff Eakers (Bill Cross)

Cajun Truck Driver (Roger Aaron Brown)

Bartender (Thomas Wagner)

Bar Patron (Robert Winley)

Cowboy (James LeGros)

Waitress (Jan King)

Biker (Danny Kopel)

Motel Manager (Billy Beck)

Motel Cop (S.A. Griffin)

State Troopers (Bob Terhune, William T Lane, Gary Littlejohn, Paul M Lane, Eddie Mulder)

Truck Driver (Don Pugsley)

Girls in car (Neith Hunter and Theresa Randle)

Kids on Highway (Tony Pierce and Gordon Haight)

Caleb’s friends (Leo Geter and Gary Wayne Cunningham)

Street Crosser (Joel Cooper)

Supply Trucker (JR Hatchett)


*Warlock reads the tag-line*

W: “A small-town farmer’s son reluctantly joins a traveling group of vampires after he is turned on by a beautiful drifter.”

A: Interesting. I’m sorry but Dolby looks like an advertisement for a computer game, not a sound company.


*Opening credits has a mosquito being smushed*

A: Haha! Stupid mosquito.


*Tim Thomerson*

W: Dollman!

A: Bardo!


*Caleb drives through town and lights up a cigarette*

W: Excuse me while I….

A: Schmoke!


*Caleb’s two friends meet him outside a bar. They point out a beautiful woman*

A: If that’s the stranger they didn’t waste any time introducing her.


*Caleb “Can I have a bite?”

W: Oh you’ll get a bite alright.


*Girl introduces herself as Mae. Caleb asks where she’s from, she says Sweetwater*

W: Barry Windham is from there.


*Caleb picks up Mae and gives her a ride. He calls her pretty and asks if she has a boyfriend, she says sometimes. She tells him to stop the truck*

W: Watch, he flies through the windshield.


*Mae tells him to look and listen, he can’t see. He tries to kiss her but she pulls away*

W: Rejected!


*Mae says she’ll still be there when the star gets to Earth in a billion years. Caleb says he wants to be there too*

W: Be careful what you wish for.


*Caleb repeatedly tells her he’s never met a girl like her. She resists his efforts*

W: He keeps going to that line, its not working.


*Caleb grabs a bullwhip and leads her to a horse stable. The horse freaks out when it sees Mae and runs away. He then throws the whip around Mae but she’s stroger than him and pulls him close. They kiss but she stops them, asks what time it is. She has to be home before dawn*

A: Dude she doesn’t want to bite you.


*She tells Caleb to hurry and take her home. He jokes with her but she yells at him to take her home. He stops the truck and tells her to kiss him first*

W: Jeeesus.


*She very slowly leans in and kisses Caleb*

W: This is not gonna end well.


*She tilts his head to the side*

W: Don’t do it…don’t do it.


*She bites him*

W: And there’s our movie.


*Mae exits the car and runs off, Caleb runs after her for a bit*

A: It looked like a vampire bite.

W: It looked human.


*Caleb can’t get his truck started. He walks through the desert*

W: Gotta love 1987 where GPS, cell phones and AAA didn’t exist.

A: I think cell phones were in their infancy but I get your point.


*Caleb staggers in the daylight as Loy tends to his farm*

W: There he is.


*Sarah spots Caleb and tells Loy that Caleb looks sick. Next shot is Caleb getting abducted by a winnebago*

W: I don’t suppose Barf is in there.


*Sarah and Loy run and Sarah shouts “Caleb!”

A: They better explain this.


*Jesse, Severen, Diamondback, Mae and a little kid are in the winnebago. Severen wants to kill Caleb and Jesse tells them to make it quick. Mae throws herself on Caleb and says he’s already been bit. Severen is pissed*

W: They went from Alien hunters to vampires.


*Loy tells the Deputy the tire tracks lead in a certain direction. He asks what they’re gonna do about it*

W: Absolutely nothing.


*Jesse introduces everyone, the kid is Homer. Homer “You know what its like to be a big person trapped inside a little body?”

W: Immortality sucks sometimes.


*Home grabs Caleb by the balls “Thats H-O-M-E-R. Misspell it and I wouldn’t want to be you”

W: Yeah really.


*Severen steals a new car so they burn the winnebago. Severen says they started the Chicago fire*

W: Oh ha ha ha.


*Jesse and the gang exits the car*

W: It looks like the Ecto 1 needing a paint job.


*Jesse says they’ll give Caleb a week to be one of them. Severen tosses the bike to Homer. Jesse and Diamondback leave arm in arm, Homer rides off and Severen walks behind. Mae lets Caleb go*

W: They just let him go. Yeah real smart.


*Caleb goes to the bus station and asks when the next bus is due. 15 minutes and 14 dollars. He doesn’t have enough*

W: You broke bastard.


*Caleb begs for a break but the ticket taker says he’s 3 bucks shy. Caleb gets a candy bar from the old vending machine*

W: That’s an old school vending machine.


*Caleb spits the bar out as Plainclothes takes him away. He grills him and Plainclothes has his hand in a bandage. Caleb asks him for 3 bucks to get home, Plainclothes hands it to him and tells him to go home*

W: A good sumaritan.


*Caleb drools and begs to stop the bus*

A: He’s really not doing too good.


*Caleb staggers through the middle of nowhere and spots Mae*

W: How did he find her?


*Caleb crawls over to Mae, she says he’s just in time. She bites herself open and makes him drink her blood*

W: This movie came out before Interview With a Vampire.


*Mae tells Caleb to listen to her. He stops biting her and starts kissing her*

W: Love how he popped up like Popeye*


*The sun begins to rise. Loy wakes up from a bad dream*

W: Well we know he aint a vampire.


*Loy wakes Sarah up by accident. She had a bad dream too. Loy visits Sheriff Eakers and Eakers tells him Caleb could be anywhere*

W: Theyre not doing a very good job pacing and character development. Like why would this guy care about Caleb?


*Caleb is trying to call long distance home*

W: 1-800 Collect asshole….or 10-10-321.


*Caleb screams and Mae runs up to him. Caleb says he’s scared because no one is home. She says they can do anything they want. They kiss in the middle of the street and she tells him he has to learn to kill. He refuses*

W: A humanitarian.


*Homer plays dead to kill a random trucker. Meanwhile Severen loads a gun and waves it around*

A: Ha!


*2 girls pull over and let Severen in their truck. Meanwhile Jesse and Diamondback reminsice about when they met but can’t remember when. A hitchiker wants a lift. Turns out he and a buddy are robbers. The first one fondles Diamondback and Jesse says they’re not gonna look good with their faces ripped off. Jesse turns the music up*

W: Uh oh.


*A cajun truck driver picks up Mae and Caleb. They bullshit and Caleb makes him laugh*

W: He’s dying but refuses to kill.


*You can see Caleb’s reflection in the mirror*

W: This ain’t a real vampire movie.


*Caleb pukes an runs out out of the truck. The driver pulls over and mocks him. Driver figures out he’s really sick but Mae bites him. Caleb bites Mae once she’s reloaded*

W: What is he Blade now? Refusing to kill humans.


*Mae says he could kill her if he keeps doing that. We cut to the next day with Sarah and Loy*

W: Again, what do they care?


*Loy says his last name is Colton*

W: Oh, its his father. Now it makes sense.


*Jesse’s gang is pissed he won’t kill and says he better do it tonight or they kill him. Severen and Homer want him dead now but Jesse says he’s got one night. Jesse’s gang bust into a bar with a synthesizer soundtrack*

W: Not the soundtrack I was thinking of when it comes to a bar raid.


*Severen pisses off a bar patron and Severen makes him laugh*

W: That’s the guy from Terminator 2.


*Bartender tells Severen to split. Caleb goes to leave but Severen says he’ll just drink the patrons. The patron punches Caleb by accident. Severen holds Caleb and says to hit him more, the Patron blasts him a few times. Caleb hits him twice and knocks him out. Caleb “Did I do that?” Severen laughs*

W: Ha!


*Waitress hits on Jesse and Jesse hits on her. Diamondback slits her throat as Homer gyrates*

W: The fuck?


*2 pool players are left as the bartender loads a gun. Severen makes horrible puns and pretends to be hurt*

W: What a douchebag.


*Severen puts the guy’s shades on and snaps the dude’s neck. He feeds on him. “I hate it when they aint been shaved*

W: What a bitch.


*Severen celebrates “Finger lickin good”. Bartender shoots Caleb and Severen sits him down and laughs. Severen stalks the bartender*

W: I think its safe to say Caleb’s turned.


*Severen uses his spurs to slit the guys throat*

W: Oh that was nice.


*The patron wakes up and walks into Jesse. Homer shoots him in the back 5 times*

W: Once would have been enough.


*The other pool player remains and Jesse motions to Caleb that that kill is his. Mae gets up and walks over to him*

W: He won’t kill will he?


*Mae wants to dance with the remaining player, she won’t bite*

A: I’m sure she will.

W: You think he’s figured out they are vampires and would do something.


*Final player runs and dives out the window. Caleb chases after him while the rest torch the bar*

W: Wow, he DID do something.

A: Smart guy.


*Caleb catches the guy an the dude begs. Caleb lets him go*

W: Too bad he can’t tell anyone.


*Caleb is grabbed in the winnebago. Jesse says he’s screwed up for the last time. Homer says to leave Caleb on the side of the road and get a tan, Severen agrees. Jesse says he should leave Caleb and Mae both out there. The cops will be looking for the car*

W: Like they’d believe the dude?


*Jesse wants to rent a Bungalow from the Motel Manager. The manager recognizes him from 50 years before*

W: Oh, that’s all?


*Everyone sleeps in the motel room. There’s a knock on the door and Severen pulls a gun. Its the police. Severen wakes up Jesse. The cop has the pool player in the backseat of his cruiser*

W: Wow, they did believe him.


*Severen pulls back the curtain and gets hit with daylight. Homer cries and Jesse tells him to man up. The cops have the place surrounded*

W: Checkout time.


*A shootout occurs and the kid runs off. Severen “How ya doin Jess?” Jess “Like shit!” Caleb says he’s gonan run out and get the car. Jesse gives him the keys. Caleb runs out and gets shot down*

W: If he dies there’s no movie.


*Caleb makes it to the van while on fire and gets in. He plows into the motel and they all pile in. Caleb floors it and they take off*

W: Not one cop got shot.

A: Not one of them shot the engine and disabled the van either.


*Jesse shakes Caleb’s hand and they pile into a new car then a new motel. Caleb doesn’t have a mark on him*

W: He heals fast.


*Diamondback tells Caleb he did good. Severen tosses him one of his spurs. Homer and Caleb shake hands as well. Jesse “Bought yourself some time.” Caleb asks him how old he is. Jesse says he’s old enough that he fought for the south, they lost*

W: In other words, Civil War era.

A: No shit.


*Caleb and Mae share bonding moments outside*

W: Still got a half hour left.


*Severen, Homer, Diamondback and Diamondback play 7 card russian roulette and smoke. Homer walks outside and sees someone using the coke machine*

W: 60 cents? What a ripoff.


*Sarah is at the vending machine. She tells Homer its impolite to stare. Sarah says she does what she wants when she wants. He invites her to watch TV and brings her to the hotel room*

W: Uh oh, that’s Caleb’s sister. He better not walk in.


*Sarah tells Diamondback she’s in room 3 with her dad. All of a sudden Caleb walks in and they hug. A minute later Severen walks in with Loy*

W: Uh oh.


*Severen locks the door. Caleb tells Loy he’s with them now and tells Jesse to let Loy and Sarah go. Homer grabs Sarah and Caleb says to let her go. Homer says he got turned so he’ll turn Sarah. Loy pulls out a gun and shoots Jesse, no effect. He coughs up the bullet an gives it back. He goes to hurt Loy but Sarah opens the door. Everyone screams as Caleb, Sarah and Loy escape. Loy confronts Caleb and Caleb says they’re vampires. Loy says they’re going to the hospital*

W: That ain’t gonna help.


*Loy does a transfusion to pump Caleb with blood*

A: Yeah I think he knows how to do it.


*Sarah opens the door and Loy hugs her. Caleb looks at his hands*

A: I’d say he’s cured.


*Caleb runs through the field with Sarah*

W: They’re gonna have Jesse’s crew on their tail.


*Loy has dinner with the kids*

A: I’m just waiting for it, you know there has to be a resolution.


*Sarah runs outside and Caleb goes to investigate with a cowboy hat on*

A: Told you.


*Mae is on the swing, she says hi*

W: Better run.


*Caleb is reluctant to engage her. Mae asks him why he left. He hugs her close and kisses her*

W: Watch, she bites her and Loy goes “Awww I have to do this shit again?”


*Mae realizes Caleb is human again and Caleb says he’s home with his family. He missed her. She twitches then runs away*

W: Why is she twitching?


*Caleb runs upstairs and realizes Sarah is gone*

A: I told you they’d be back.


*Caleb checks Loy’s truck, the tires have been slashed. He takes off on horseback*

W: This movie is Interview With a Vampire and From Dusk Till Dawn 3 rolled into one. This came first.


*The horse bucks him off in the middle of the street, Severen stands over him. Severen says he’s an Indian giver and he wants his spur back. A trucker drives by and Caleb hops in. Severen shoots him between the eyes. Severen “Bullseye!” Caleb goes to run over Severen and does, he celebrates*

W: That was too easy.


*Severen crawls up on the hood. Severen “Caleb, fasten your fuckin seatbelt!”

A: Yup.


*Severen rips out all the parts in the hood and Caleb hits the gas and jumps out of the truck, it blows and takes Severen with it*

W: That’s more like it.


*Caleb picks up the other spur*

A: I’d be really surprised if we see him again.


*Jesse and Mae stand in his way. Caleb says to let Sarah go. Mae says to let her go and Jesse says its too late for that. Diamondback is behind Caleb and Homer holds Sarah hostage. She clocks him with a flashlight and tells Caleb to look out. Diamondback throws a knife and Caleb ducks, catching Jesse in the face. Caleb picks up Sarah and Diamondback tells him to run. They take off and Jesse hops in the car, Mae and Diamondback reluctantly join*

W: Great, was that a half assed face turn?


*They abduct Sarah again*

A: They got her again?


*Homer, Jesse, Mae and Diamondback try to protect their car as the sun comes up with Caleb in hot pursuit. Mae grabs Sarah and dives out a window. Homer hops out the window too and he fries.  Caleb and Sarah cover Mae as Homer explodes*

W: That takes care of him.


*Diamondback and Jesse catch fire and they hold hands before their car blows*

A: There goes the town’s power.


*Next frame Mae wakes up in daylight, Caleb saved her and gave her a transfusion*

W: Wow, they found a way to cure Hominous Nocturna. I give props to the writer for creativity.


*Mae says she’s scared*

W: You should be, now you’re gonna age, have to take a shit, eat food, get a job…..

A: Yeah really, that’s no cure. How is she gonna establish a new identity? How’s she gonna collect social security and get a 401K without raising suspicion?


Mr. America’s Assessment: I give it a 5, it wasn’t that bad. It turned out to be pretty decent.

The Warlock’s Assessment: I give it a 6.5, it was very good with certain pacing issues. Some of the frame cuts were a little too frequent, not much character development but apart from the gang that was the point I guess. Not a bad watch but nothing to write home about.

Final Grade: 5.5 – Above Average.


*Warlock rises from the pull-up chair*

W: That was pretty good, it wasn’t too special but it wasn’t cliche either. In fact the movie writer specifically said he tried to “break the rules” of a typical vampire movie. I give credit for coming up with a LOT of shit that wasn’t brought up again until future vampire movies. This was innovative for its time and definitely worth a look.

A: Good, now get out of here before the General gets here.

W: Sheesh, what’s the rush? After all, I may live here someday.

A: Ha, that’s a good one.

*Warlock leaves and checks out the area as he gets back in the car. He drives off, meanwhile America notices something on the chair that Warlock just vacated*

A: Hmm, something fell out of his pocket.

*America picks up a note*

A: “Call me – The Enchantress” What?

*Warlock searches for the note as he’s driving*

W: Awww fuck, must have left it at the base. So much for a pleasant evening.