230. Fist Fighter (1989)

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*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black leather jacket,  tie dyed t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a sacred chalice of pepsi*

Warlock: Welcome to my lair…welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock makes lightning strike before walking inside*

Warlock: Tonight its another IT CAME FROM YOUTUBE and once again I’m flying solo.

*Camera pans to an empty lair*

Warlock: Tonight we take a look at Fist Fighter. Its the 1989 revenge, fighting movie starring Jorge Rivero. Why am I wearing a tie-dye tshirt? THE REFLECTION OF PERFECTION, THE NUMBER ONE SELECTION, THE MAN OF THE HOUR, THE ONE WITH THE POWER AND TOO SWEET TO BE SOUR…SUPERSTAR..BILLY…GRAHAM!!! Yes, former WWWF Champion “Superstar” Billy Graham is in this so I’m definitely interested.

*Warlock takes a seat in the recliner*

Warlock: Tape up your knuckles, its time for Fist Fighter.

 

Directed by Frank Zuniga

Written by Max Bloom and Carlos Vasallo

 

*Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “An ex-boxer comes back to a town called Rosario in South America taking revenge for the death of a friend”

Warlock: Oh boy, a revenge movie.

 

*Opening credits of some guy driving a bulldozer*

Warlock: The bulldozer already won best supporting actor 30 seconds into the movie.

 

*CJ Thunderbird (Jorge Rivero) is introduced at the pay window, two weeks pay, he hits up the Crazy Bull salloon. The arm wrestler (“Superstar” Billy Graham) has 2-1 odds to win*

Warlock: The women’s pet, the men’s regret where what you see is what you get but what you don’t see…..is better yet.

 

*The dog wants in the bar but the bouncer denies him. The arm wrestler wins and says to get him out of there. He wants 5-1 odds and CJ drops a grand on the table. Arm wrestler calls him a faggot and tells him to shut up*

Warlock: Graham playing the heel, old hat to him.

 

*Arm wrestler says he’s gonna break CJ’s arm. Arm wrestler gets the early advantage but CJ wins it. He hands some money to the guy Wrestler beat moments earlier to take care of his arm. Wrestler challenges him to another match and CJ says no. He goes to the bar and Wrestler walks away*

Warlock: What, no chair shot to the back or a bar clearing brawl?

 

*The dog begs CJ for attention as some woman rides a mechanical bull. CJ goes to leave but Wrestler stops him. Wrestler calls him a scumbag and CJ pops him and his two buddies*

Warlock: That’s more like it.

 

*CJ gets his jacket and goes upstairs. Next frame is CJ driving with the dog chasing behind*

Warlock: Forget the bulldozer, the dog is going to win best supporting actor.

 

*CJ reads a telegram that Rhino Reinhardt (Matthias Hues) is boxing near Bolivia, Rhino killed CJ’s friend two years earlier*

Warlock: Finally a plot.

 

*The dog chases after the jeep so CJ pulls over and lets him in*

Warlock: What’s the dog’s name?

 

*CJ takes a bus to Bolivia with the dog in tow*

Warlock: Could have edited this part out but whatever.

 

*CJ and the dog exit the bus. CJ asks where he can find Rhino. Some guy tells him around the corner. Meanwhile the manager (Helmut Schivety) trains King Bellinakov (Jimmy Nickerson). He asks if he managers Rhino and he says he trains him. CJ wants to fight Rhino but manager says if he wants Rhino, he has to fight King first*

Warlock: Good, keep this going, end it early.

 

*CJ takes the fight and some midget tells a hustler that the fight between CJ and King is that night. The hustler is Punchy Moses (Edward Albert). Punchy asks Manager what the odds on CJ/King is, Manager says no odds. Punchy then introduces himself to CJ as the dog chews on his leg*

Warlock: CJ’s bodyguard.

 

*Punchy bullshits CJ not knowing who he is and claiming “this guy CJ” is a real mean guy. CJ bullshits him back and asks if he knows him. Punchy says they’re good friends and he wants to put 2-1 odds on King. CJ says he’ll put 200 bucks down. Punchy asks his name and CJ says Charlie*

Warlock: Hustlers, gotta love them. Love Edward Albert’s fake latino accent though.

 

*Punchy goes around hobnobbing people. CJ bets 2500 dollars on himself. Billy Vance (Mike Connors) and Ellen (Brenda Bakke) look on. The final bets are made as CJ prepares for battle. Manager introduces King and CJ in a bare knuckles fistfight. No biting, low blows or kicks…2 time outs per person. The winner fights Rhino. Rhino shakes manager’s hand as King taunts Rhino by utting a cigar out on King’s own head. Rhino hopes he wins so he can get a good workout. The bell rings and CJ beats the crap out of King*

Warlock: Wouldn’t be much of a movie if he lost.

 

*CJ bloodies King’s face and drops him for the victory. Manager calls it off as Punchy celebrates*

Warlock: He’s acting like he won the pony.

 

*Billy, Ellen and Rhino watch. CJ collects his 5 grand as Billy calls it impressive. Billy wants to recruit CJ for his stable and CJ turns him down, he wants to fight Rhino. Billy says give him the 5 grand and he’ll put 45-1 odds on him. CJ takes it, tells Rhino he’s waiting a long time for this and says to Billy he’ll be in touch. Moreno (Simon Andreu) puts 100 grand on Rhino. Outside, Punchy and CJ share bonding moments*

Warlock: What a hustle.

 

*Punchy says CJ will need his help to train for the fight with Rhino. Punchy has a pet iguana named Quasimodo*

Warlock: Neyz would love that.

 

*CJ looks at Punchy’s wall of fame and CJ says he only wants Rhino, he’s done after. He asks about Billy and Billy is a big time gangster down there. CJ asks about the trophies inside and Punchy kind of blows him off. Punchy says he had a title shot for the world championship and a mobster told him to take a dive. Punchy refused, won the fight and the mobster had his leg cut off. CJ feels bad and asks him to be his trainer*

Warlock: Sweet, character development.

 

*CJ trains with Punchy acting as a trainer. We cut to the bar where Punchy and CJ make their appearance. Billy welcomes them and Punchy says he’s the manager. Billy says to ditch Punchy and join him, CJ turns him down.  The final bets are made, Billy bets 25 grand. CJ and Rhino get ready*

Warlock: This would be a pretty short movie if CJ wins.

 

*CJ sticks and moves to avoid the heavy haymakers early but Rhino gets the advantage in the corner. CJ ducks under a haymaker and corners Rhino much to Punchy’s delight. Rhino bearhugs him into the center but CJ drops him with a right hook. Rhino gets up and unloads on CJ in the corner. CJ ducks and Rhino dents the stantion. CJ rallies with right hands as Manager calls time with Rhino about to drop. Billy checks on Rhino and Rhino says his hands broken. Billy tells a lackey to go to the police*

Warlock: Something is afoot.

 

*Round two begins with CJ cleaning Rhino’s clock when the police guy hits the circuit breaker and a whole bunch of police flood the bar. The money is stolen as Punchy and CJ are placed under arrest along with most of the crowd.  Moreno is told by the Captain that this won’t happen again. Captain Delgado (Emiliano Redondo) reports to Billy who says it was an unfortunate mistake, Billy says to go with that and pays him off*

Warlock: What a crook.

 

*CJ and Punchy are set free and Punchy says he had Rhino beat.  CJ wants to confront Billy and Punchy says he’s too dangerous to be messed with. CJ and Punchy visit Billy’s residence with Ellen swimming around to a saxophone theme*

Warlock: Yeah, I see where this is going.

 

*Rhino sits with Billy as CJ confronts him about the night before. CJ wants the money and Billy says the police took it and to write it off as a business loss. CJ says he wants only the money he put in, Billy says put up another stake and they’ll have another fight. CJ says Billy needs to lean on the police to make it fair. Billy says not to threaten him, he doesn’t him as an enemy. Rhino has a cast on and he tells CJ had he not broken his hand, CJ wouldn’t be alive. CJ “Lucky me.” Billy tells Ellen to get rid of Punchy and CJ. She wants CJ’s attention but he blows her off*

Warlock: She was 26 and he was 51….huge age difference.

 

*Ellen wants to show Billy’s car collection to CJ and Punchy. They initially resist until Ellen pulls out the bag of money missing from the fight. Punchy grabs the money and Ellen has to hold CJ back from going after Billy. Punchy hides the money and CJ thanks her before leaving. Punchy celebrates at the bar but CJ is still down*

Warlock: Take it and run…..but then again there would be no movie.

 

*Punchy asks why Rhino means so much to him and CJ has his reasons. Delgado pulls up and Punchy tells him to get to the point.  Delgado takes the money bag and calls for his officers to arrest Punchy and CJ. Punchy says “I didn’t even get to finish my beer.” CJ then drops Delgado with a right hand and Punchy knocks out one of the other officers. CJ grabs Delgado and says to tell Billy to mind his own business*

Warlock: Assaulting an officer right there, not that it matters.

 

*Billy throws the money bag in front of Ellen in a jacuzzi. He says you can take the bitch out of the gutter but not the gutter out of the bitch and swipes at her. Billy starts slapping her and later she meets CJ. Her eye is nearly swolen shut and CJ consoles her*

Warlock: Good for heel heat.

 

*Ellen says she’s never seen Billy this crazy. She wants to go with him*

Warlock: Yeah, share the back with the dog.

 

*Pointless sex scene*

Warlock: Good, get it out of the way early, still have 45 minutes left.

 

*The dog barks to wake Punchy up and calls for CJ.  Delgado then has Punchy shot as CJ is taken into custody.  In a bad overdub, Delgado says you don’t want to get hurt. Delgado shoots at the dog and knocks out CJ*

Warlock: Well we had 45 minutes left, had to extend this somehow.

 

*CJ is taken to prison.Moreno is the warden and he  has someone hung up as an example of theivery. He’s then thrown into a cage. Moreno says if he wins the fight, he wins his freedom. His opponent is The Beast (Gus Rethwisch)*

Warlock: Its Buzzsaw from Running Man.

 

*Beast absolutely destroys the prisoner and snaps his neck. Moreno looks at CJ and said the prisoner killed two young girls*

Warlock: I like what I see, trash taking care of itself.

 

*CJ’s cellmate Munes (Eleazar Garcia Jr) finds a pidgeon as company. He kills it and eats it as breakfast*

Warlock: Good thing Neyzor Blades didn’t see that.

 

*Some vato threatens CJ in the mines, CJ holds his ground. Later The vato gang takes the cellmate hostage and CJ beats the shit out of them until Moreno arrives. Moreno calls CJ a brave warrior. Moreno explains the Inca warriors used to battle in the ancient times. Moreno wants him to be his yard boss and CJ refuses. Moreno says he can make his life a living hell and make his taty longer, CJ says he doesn’t plan to stay long. Moreno has CJ tossed in “the hole”. CJ shrugs it off*

Warlock: This went from a fighting movie to Lock Up real quick.

 

*Moreno offers CJ a fight with Rhino if he’ll join him, CJ walks off. Moreno makes CJ fill the whole it took him days to dig on top of his stay in the hole. Finally two guards release CJ from the hole and bring him to see Punchy. Punchy asks what they did to him and CJ says nothing he can’t handle. Punchy says Moreno wants him to fight and CJ says if he does, he’ll never get out of there. Punchy admits Billy blackballed him from everything in town. Moreno shows up and Punchy insults Moreno before he leaves. He says he’s gonna make CJ proud. Moreno has CJ detained and threatens him with more mine work. CJ does it without complaint*

Warlock: Ok, half hour left. Time to get out of prison.

 

*Munes says he may die in prison but CJ has other plans. Munes takes him to a secret area where there’s a hole. Munes says it leads to an old camp but is very dangerous. CJ and unes are taken away but they covered the hole first. An earthquake clears out the mine of the workers and guards so CJ and Munes clear the hole. CJ goes through it alone*

Warlock: Should have taken Munes with him.

 

*CJ makes his way toward the light where he finds human remains. Behind him guards approach. CJ picks his way free where he’s grabbed by awaiting guards. Moreno says he could have brought him fortune and honor*

Warlock: Wow, this really is Lock Up.

 

*Ellen tries to talk Punchy out of something stupid. Ellen says we need him*

Warlock: Who’s we?

 

*Punchy tells Ellen he loves her forever*

Warlock: 23 minutes left, how are they going to end this?

 

*Punchy confronts Billy, Rhino and Delgado. He calls Billy dogshit and Rhino goes to attack, Billy stops him. Billy says to find out how big a man he is. Rhino stands up and Punchy tries to fight him. Rhino no sells everything Punchy throws as Ellen screams to stop it. Rhino beats the shit out of Punchy as she continues to scream*

Warlock: Its not like CJ can save the day as he’s locked up in prison.

 

*Rhino continues the assault until Billy calls him off. Ellen tends to Punchy and says they can all rot in hell*

Warlock: This is gonna suck.

 

*Moreno has CJ in the cage to fight The Beast. CJ out manuvers the big guy, sticking and moving. Beast no sells a lot of punches but a kick to the face hurts him. Beast locks in a bear hug but CJ grabs him by the balls, beginning the comeback. The formerly hostile prisoners cheer for CJ as CJ beats the shit out of The Beast, dropping him with a flurry of punches. CJ goes to kill him but stops*

Warlock: Doesn’t want to bring him down to Moreno’s level.

 

*CJ yells to Moreno that he promised his freedom. CJ wants to know if Moreno is a man of honor or not. The entire crowd turns to Moreno and Moreno says he can go. CJ is carried out on everyone’s shoulders*

Warlock: Well that’s step one. Now he has to go save Ellen from Billy and Rhino.

 

*CJ goes to Punchy’s trailer where Ellen is. Ellen tells CJ that Punchy is hurt badly*

Warlock: Ever heard of a hospital.

 

*Punchy tells CJ that Rhino telegraphs every punch with his chest and to watch for it. Punchy says he had Rhino beat but he saved him for CJ. Punchy dies after telling CJ to kick his ass and that he loves him*

Warlock: *Fakes death* EHHHHHHHHHHHHH

 

*Ellen cries as CJ says he loves him too. Ellen says he never had a chance, he was drunk and a fool. Ellen grabs the championship belt Punchy had in his hands and says it doesn’t matter anymore. CJ it matters a lot*

Warlock: Killed the dog, killed Punchy, time for revenge.

 

*CJ confronts Billy at the cafe. He tells Rhino he did quitea job. CJ says to try him. Billy sicks Delgado, some goon and Rhino on him and Billy says he likes the odds. Moreno appears and says so does he. His prison guards cock their rifles*

Warlock: A face turn by Moreno….nice.

 

*Moreno tells everyone to sit down. He says he knows a good bet when he sees one. Moreno says that night at 9 PM, Rhino against CJ with no interruptions. Moreno tells CJ to beat it and he leaves. We cut directly to the fight between Rhino and CJ*

Warlock: Yeesh, no intros, no warning its “Oh time to fight!”

 

*CJ gets the upperhand as an increasingly nervous Billy screams at Rhino. They trade punches until CJ gets the advantage with haymakers. Rhino gets dropped as Billy calls for time. Billy shouts at Rhino in the corner as Moreno laughs with CJ in the other corner. The bell dings and CJ continues the onslaught but Rhino rallies with a series of left hands that drop CJ. The bell dings and the guards cock their guns to make sure Rhino doesn’t cheat. Rhino sits in his corner as Billy calls it beautiful. The midget reports to Moreno as CJ remembers Punchy’s words. A whole crowd of people run in to watch the third and final round. CJ dodges every punch Rhino throws and counters with haymakers. Rhino begins swinging wildly and CJ counters with crushing right hooks*

Warlock: He rope a doped him.

 

*CJ his about 20 straight shots before backing Rhino up against the pillar. CJ finishes him off with a series of right hooks as the crowd chants for CJ. With Rhino defeated CJ points a fist at Billy. Billy goes to threaten CJ and CJ punches him down. CJ wants to finish him off and Moreno says HE’LL take care of him, his way. He hands 25 grand to CJ as his share of the winnings as CJ walks out to Ellen. They kiss as CJ hands her a wad of cash and tells her to make sure Punchy always has flowers. She says to take care of himself as he walks off. End credits*

Warlock: He never got revenge on Delgado for shooting the dog. Kind of cheap but whatever.

 

The Warlock’s Assessment: Not the greatest movie but that has more to do with the cast than it does the story. There were some character development but the ending left a lot to be desired. Unless Moreno threw Delgado, Rhino and Billy into prison, it feels unsatisfactory. The heels pretty much got away with murder. For that I give the movie a 4.5 out of 10. I don’t recommend it unless you have absolutely nothing else to watch or are a big Superstar Billy Graham fan.

Final Grade: 4.5 out of 10 – Below Average

 

*Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: Not the best I’ve seen, hopefully next time will be better. That about wraps up another below average adventure, have a pleasant evening.

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229. Out For Blood (1992)

out-for-blood-us-poster-art-don-the-dragon-wilson-1992-pm-entertainment-e5nk4c

*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black leather jacket, PRIMAL FEAR t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a diamond studded goblet of Dr. Pepper*

Warlock: Welcome to my lair…welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock shoots fire into the sky before entering the lair*

Warlock: Tonight its another solo IT CAME FROM YOUTUBE called Out For Blood. Don “Dragon” Wilson beats the shit out of a bunch of people, you get the idea.

*Warlock takes his seat in the recliner*

Warlock: So let’s get this over with, time to put on Out For Blood.

 

 

Directed by Richard W Munchkin

Written by Robert Easter, Neva Friedenn, Paul Maslak and Don Wilson
*Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “A lawyer’s family is murdered by drug smugglers, and he is beaten and left for dead, but survives although in a coma. When he awakes he only has a partial memory of what happened. In order to find out the real story, he trains with a karate master and becomes a mysterious avenger known as “The Karate Man”

Warlock: So more or less Hard To Kill and The Karate Kid put together….great.

 

*Opening credits has John Decker (Don “Dragon” Wilson) trainingJ*

Warlock: Wasn’t this out of Ring of Fire as well?

 

*John runs in slow motion before running in real time in between flashbacks of him teaching a little boy to fight and a woman saying “I love you”*

Warlock: so rather than get a flashback scene, the writer just goes back and forth to save time. I like it.

 

*John flashes back to kissing the girl as he runs into an elbow from the Street Dealer (Art Camacho)*

Warlock: And the 40th movie in a row with a guest appearance by Art Camacho.

 

*John flashes back to the woman being attacked as he calls the Dealer dirt. John beats the shit out of him and rips the key of coke. More back and forth flashback of John’s kid being killed as well as his girl. John then runs from the dealer and the buyer. John runs up a fire escape with 3 men chasing him*

Warlock: Love to see him beat the fuck out of these guys.

 

*Dealer says he’s gonna kill him and John says you can’t kill a man that’s already dead. John kills Dealer and one of his bodyguards. He has flashbacks of the men that destroyed his life and kicks the third guy off the roof, killing him on a car below*

Warlock: This is more bloodier than most of Don’s movies and we’re less than 10 minutes into it.

 

*Lt Edward Croft (Michael DeLano) rings the doorbell of someone who doesn’t answer. He pulls out a lockpick and unlocks the door. He walks up the stairs and John tells him that’s breaking and entering. Croft tells him that John doesn’t have selective amnesia. Dr Jay “Mack” McConnell (Ron Steelman) is the one who told him that. John says he waited 15 months for the police to bring down the guys who murdered his family and they’ve done nothing*

Warlock: Why wait for the police to do anything?

 

*John throws him out and Croft says he has his number and call him if he thinks of anything. A newscaster reports that an unidentified man killed 3 drug dealers and a homeless lady calls him a karate man*

Warlock: Nice working title.

 

*Mack brings John to an art exhibit and checks out a woman as Mack says there’s beautiful work in here. Joanna Montague (Shari Shattuck) walks over*

Warlock: Otherwise known as Mrs. Heavenly Hips.

 

*Mack introduces John as a lawyer and Joanna hopes he’s rich and ruthless. John says he’s not rich but very ruthless. Joanna grabs Mack to persuade him to buy something as John checks out various paintings*

Warlock: Real pleasant, can we get back to the action?

 

*Joanna tells John she doesn’t paint. Joanna brings John to meet the artist, Hiroshi (Aki Aleong). Hiroshi without knowing him bows and figures out John is not well. John tells him that he’s peaceful and lost his family. Hiroshi explains everything peaceful started with something violent. We get a flashback of Jeffrey (Richard Rabago) and Laura (Melinda Clarke) being murdered. Mack brings John out of his hypnosis spell. John says he feels like a trainwreck. Mack tries to reason that it wasn’t his fault they died*

Warlock: He’s right.

 

*Mack says there’s an explanation of his condition in a gigantic encylopedia and John says that will help him sleep that night. Suddenly the drug dealer he kicked off the roof is wheeled in like a blithering idiot as Mack and John both ignore him. Mack tells John that Joanna is out of his league. Mack says she has a jealous ex boyfriend. Suddenly the drug dealer wakes up and is a roided out bodybuilder. John kocks him out with the briefcase handle. He trells Mack he feels better and we cut to him training on the beach*

Warlock: Almost as bad ass of a lawyer as Harvey Dent.

 

*John calls up a police seargeant in regards to his case file. He looks at it that night along with a bag of clothes and a gun. He looks at the picture of Laura and says he’ll be seeing her. Jack dresses in all black and beats the fuck out of a drug dealer before we cut*

Warlock: So he’s Batman now? A secret vigilante that beats drug dealers to a pulp with his bare hands……sounds good to me.

 

*Some lady (Denise Dowse) is confronted by 3 crackhouse dealers (Howard Jackson, Jenard Wells and Troy Augborne). The leader tries to strong arm her and she tells them to fuck off. John sneaks up behind them. One of the others goes to throw a molotov cocktail innto the woman’s home and John grabs the burning rag out just in time, so the guy throws a beer bottle against the steps*

Warlock: Even if the rag was still in, that was lousy aim, the concrete steps is nowhere near the porch.

 

*John throws the rag in one guy’s face and beats the shit out of the others. The lady says thank you before John leaves. Next John has soup at a local diner when a no-goodnik enters and pulls a gun. John has a flashback of the murderer and disarms him. John beats the fuck out of him too and smashes a bottle over his head. The diner owner bows her head as John leaves*

Warlock: Didn’t think this was going to be a vigilante superhero movie.

 

*John calls Mack that he had a nightmare and Mack tells him to come to the office now. We cut to a drug lab as a newscaster talks about “The Karate Man” killing 5. Croft goes on TV and says they’ll prosecute Karate Man if he has to. Bubbah (Joey Sagal) tells Rick (Todd Curtis) that there’s a psycho on their case. Bubbah says he’s going on vacation and Rick slowly clams him down. Bo (Addison Randall) and Blade (Ken McLeod) are also introduced. Blade jump kicks Bubbah and Rick says no one quits. Blade snaps Bubbah’s arm. Rick says to find The Karate Man and tells Blade to take care of Bubbah. Rick calls someone and says they have a problem and need to talk about it*

Warlock: Finally the bad guys are established.

 

*Joanna and John go to dinner together. Joanna tells John her life his complicated when Jerry Geisler (Robert Miano) walks in. He sits at the table and Joanna introduces them. Jerry blows him off and wants her to come with him. John tells him to screw so Jerry spills a drink on him. John excuses himself to go to the bathroom and Jerry tells his two bodyguards (Deron McBee and Dino Homesy)  to attack. Joanna yells at Jerry as the bodyguards pounce, only for John to beat the crap out of both of them*

Warlock: Get that piece of crap Jerry next.

 

*John tells the bodyguards he’ll see them later and Jerry non-chalantly says to Joanna that John had to leave. John then sits down next to a stunned Jerry and tells him his two friends are calling for him. Jerry excuses himself and John tells him to take his time. Joanna asks him if he knows how powerful Jerry is and John says to take a chance. They leave as the newscaster reports the Karate Man has delivered a massive amount of coke to the police and the police are pretty much useless. Croft holds a seminar asking what they can do about it*

Warlock: Your jobs!

 

*Hubbel (Beau Billingslea) crack jokes that Karate Man wears tights and they should hire him. Detective Price (Roberta Vasquez) says 203 people have died in drug related incidents. Croft says he wants all available personnel to find Karate Man*

Warlock: So rather than clean up the streets, you’re going after the guy trying to clean up the streets. The cops suck.

 

*Joanna and John share bonding moments in the art gallery until she insults him and calls him a bastard. She explains that her ex boyfriend Michael was in a bad mood and Joanna says she told him to commit suicide, and he did*

Warlock: Wow, what an asshole.

 

*Joanna wakes up and John isn’t there. He’s with Hiroshi having tea. Hiroshi tries to get John to remember the past. Meanwhile the crackhouse bustles with activity. 2 college kids (Michael J Sarna and Keith William) go to buy from Bubbah when John appears behind Bubbah and says he’s out of business. John steals his gun as a dealer shoots one of the kids. John shoots him dead. John shoots another dealer dead and then a third. More goons arrive and John caps them too. John sneaks up and shoots another one.  Some guy in a US army uniform fights John and gets the upper hand*

Warlock: Sgt Savage reporting for duty.

 

*John uses an eye gouge to gain the advantage then beats the shit out of him. John recognizes him as one of the guys that helped kill his family and shoves the key of coke down his throat. John beats the shit out of more goons as he gets away*

Warlock: One down, two to go.

 

*Rick and Blade run up and find the guy dying, Rick shoots him dead*

Warlock: I would say “take out your own guy” but he was already dying.

 

*Joanna and John are together. She finds blood on his clothes. The newscaster says 29 men have been either killed or jailed by Karate Man.  Croft reports the guy who swallowed coke was a convicted felon as Joanna figures out John is Karate Man*

Warlock: Now she’s gonna go spill the beans.

 

*Joanna gives John a painting that Hiroshi made. We get a near sex scene before cutting to Blade. He laments losing so many men to just one guy. Rick yells at him and says to focus on the shipping of coke coming that night. They pack for battle. Meanwhile Jerry’s bodyguards attack John again and once again John beats the shit out of them. John throws one of them into a phone booth and the coins scatter everywhere*

Warlock: Fumble!!!

 

*John bangs on Joanna’s door and demands an explanation. John says she set him up and she says she called Mack and told him he was Karate Man. They yell at each other and John says he’s coming after Jerry. Joanna tells him to bring it and John walks out. John visits Hiroshi and Hiroshi says he’s leaving the city the next night. John then yells at Mack for spying on him. Mack says Jerry is a big time drug dealer that killed Joanna’s ex, he never committed suicide. John storms out and gets packed for battle*

Warlock: We got a half hour left, this is too early for the big finale.

 

*The bodyguards chase John in a car, he jumps on the hood as a police cruiser pulls up and chases the car. Croft jumps out of the cruiser and asks if they are friends of his. Croft has the goons hauled off and he says he’;ll buy John a drink. John cleans himself up and Croft questions him at the bar. John says he does some running from time to time. Croft says he thinks he’s Karate Man and asks what he wants with Joanna. John asks about Michael and Croft says Jerry used political power to get himself cleared, Croft did the investigating*

Warlock: Red flag right there.

 

*John pays for the drinks and goes to leave, Croft more or less says he makes more money than most cops. Blade tells a kid (Tarous Jaghory) to stand guard. Rick tells his employer everything is according to plan. A lookout guy (Don Niam) is dispatched by John. The lookout guy fails to respond as a van crashes through the wall with the lookout guy inside. Meanwhile John cuts the power. John remmebers Rick and Blade killing his wife and kid. John takes a pill and leaves behind a clue. He starts capping the crackhouse goons. John beats the crap out of another guy hand to hand*

Warlock: 20 minutes left, can’t be the end.

 

*John tackles the kid but lets him go. The place catches fire and explodes just as John and the kid make it out. Two goons burn to death*

Warlock: Holy shit this is graphic….I love it.

 

*A wounded John knocks on Joanna’s door. She tells him to get lost. John doesn’t care and says he’s finished as Karate Man, he almost killed a kid. Joanna hugs him close*

Warlock: Oh what the fuck?

 

*Croft finds a clue that John blew up the crack lab but tells Hubbel its just some blood. Hubbel and Price identify 7 bodies, all criminals. Croft says sooner or later Karate Man will slip as John wakes up next to Joanna in the middle of the night. Croft pulls a gun and tells them they’re going for a ride. John complains about police procedure and Croft tells him to shut the fuck up*

Warlock” This would be a crummy heel turn.

 

*Joanna is left behind but she hears a noise. Rick stands behind her and cocks a gun. Meanwhile Croft admits he knows he’s Karate Man. John figures out they’re not going to the police station. He punches out Croft and runs for it. John goes back home and Rick tells him to show up at sunrise or else he finishes off Joanna*

Warlock: 12 minutes left, time for the big finale.

 

*Blade waits for John while Rick taunts Joanna. Blade senses he’s here and John shows up with a sub machine gun. Blade tosses his piece to Rick and says John doesn’t look so bad to him. John tosses his gun and they circle*

Warlock: The final fight.

 

*John beats the shit out of Blade*

Warlock: That was pretty one sided.

 

*Blade gets the upperhand with a board as John figures out it was Blade who killed his wife and son. John rips his earing out, kicks him in the junk and knocks him backwards. Rick tosses Blade a knife but John guts him with it, killing him. Suddenly Hubbel pulls up in a cruiser and holds John at gunpoint*

Warlock: This can’t be good.

 

*Mack walks up behind a trailer and says he didn’t want any of this. John figures out it was MACK who had his family killed years ago. Mack says if he sold one last shipment, he could have retired and would have left John alone. Now he has to start all over. Mack admits Laura said he’d be out of town and never thought he’d show up the night Blade and Rick killed them. He reveals he hid what really happened by saying he did hypnotherapy while John was still in a coma. The headache pills were to keep him under wraps. Rick says they have to go and Mack says he’s right. Rick says he’ll see Karate Man in hell and he’s suddenly blown away by Croft who had pulled up to the scene*

Warlock: Here he comes to save the dayyyyyyyyyyyyy

 

*Vasquez pulls up and starts shooting at Hubbel. Mack takes off in an airplane as John hops in a jeep and takes off after it*

Warlock: How are you gonna stop a plane?

 

*Joanna picks up Rick’s gun and tags Hubbel in the leg. Hubbel manages to shoot down Croft but Croft finishes him off with a shotgun. John then hops on the plane’s wing*

Warlock: Toss a grenade in there….oh wait, he don’t have one.

 

*John runs from the plane and it mysteriously explodes*

Warlock: Well that was random.

 

*Jerry watches the proceedings in a limo. It pulls up as Joanna runs up and hugs John. Jerry admits he had the plane rigged to eliminate all his competition. As a token of his appreciation he lets Joanna and John go free. He drives off as Croft says Jerry is his next target as Karate Man. Croft says he was trying to recruit him for his covert ops group the night before and asks him to help bring down Jerry. Jerry doesn’t really answer, he asks if Joanna wants breakfast. End credits*

Warlock: That was pretty good.

 

The Warlock’s Assessment: I give it a 7 out of 10. That was more gruesome than his normal movies and it made for a great revenge story. The acting was…okay…but the vigilante killing and besting the shit out of criminals element made it a pleasure to watch. I definitely recommend this.

Final Grade: 7 out of 10 – Great

 

*Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: Fuck yeah. That was one of Don Wilson’s better movies and I thoroughly enjoyed it. I wish more of them was this good. Anyway that wraps up another great adventure, have a pleasant evening.

228. Red Sun Rising (1994)

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*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black leather jacket, ALIEN t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a silver canteen of Pepsi*

Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock flicks his wrist and fire appears, he levitates before walking inside*

Warlock: Tonight its another solo IT CAME FROM YOUTUBE. Tonight we look at Red Sun Rising, the 1994 martial arts movie with an all-star cast. Will it be good? Let’s find out.

*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the recliner*

Warlock: So let’s fire up Red Sun Rising.

 

Directed by Francis Megahy

 

Written by Robert Easter, Neva Friedenn, Paul Masiak

*Warlock reads the tag-line*

 

Warlock: “Japan’s toughest cop is in LA to track down the Yakuza’s deadliest killer”

Warlock: Should make for one hell of an end fight.

 

*Opening credits*

Warlock: This is actually a hell of a cast. Michael Ironside, Don Wilson, Mako, Soon-Tek Oh, Terry Farrell, James Lew….damn, now I’m interested.

 

*Oyabun (Toshishiro Obata) reads the news as his secretary (Mary Sum) brings him tea. His men (Ewart Chin, Joe Hanlin, Anthony Jaramilla, May May, Steve Moss, Joey Nguyen, Long Nguyen, Jody Sasaki and Ken Yasuda) play dominoes. The graphic reads Kyoto, Japan. Meanwhile outside Thomas Hoshino (Don “Dragon” Wilson is outside with his partner. His partner speaks in Japanese that Yamata (Soon-Tek Oh) isn’t going to show. Thomas answers in English that he’ll be there*

Warlock: I know he’s not really Japanese but you could at least teach him a few phrases to at least sound it.

 

*Thomas and his partner watches a car pull up. Yamata walks out along with some bodyguards. Yamata walks in the pagoda and immediately kills Oyabun in a sword fight*

Warlock: Wow, that didn’t take long.

 

*Thomas waits outside as bodyguards are tossed left and right. Thomas joins in and a brawl develops. Jaho (James Lew) starts wiping out guys left and right with a sword. Thomas and his partner wipe out Yakuza and Oyabun men left and right. Jaho snaps the neck of the secretary too*

Warlock: What a heel.

 

*Jaho drinks something out of a vial and Thomas enters with a sword*

Warlock: A little early for the one on one fight.

 

*Jaho beats the crap out of Thomas and goes to finish him off when Yamata walks in. His partner pulls a gun only for Jaho to stare at him and put the guy in a trance. Jaho turns to Thomas and says to watch what he can do. Jaho calls out what’s going to happen and then hits the partner in the chest with a CGI effect. Jaho and Yamata walk out*

Warlock: Why didn’t he kill Thomas right then and there?

 

*The partner was Yuji (Yuji Okumoto)

Warlock: Aww fuck, now I remember, that’s Chozen from Karate Kid 2.

 

*The Kyoto Police Captain (Joe Kuroda) says Thomas got Yuji killed and he should have expected it since he’s only half Japanese*

Warlock: Yeah they hate half breeds in Japan, even worse than the deep south in America.

 

*Four months later in California, Councilman Royce (Leonard O Turner) is asked about the death of Father Munoz (Pablo Velazques). Royce says the killer has made the top of his list and they will find him. Detective Karen Ryder (Terry Farrell) walks to the scene to investigate. Father was the peacemaker between a gang war between Iceman (Shashawnee Hall) and Malito (Art Camacho)

Warlock: Movie number seven thousand I’ve seen with Art Camacho as the fight director.

 

*Karen asks her partner where they got machine guns. Suddenly a fight breaks out between Ray (James Hatch) and some local latino. Ray manages to call the guy every racist name in the book along with sexually harrassing Karen. Karen responds by asking for him to pull his penis out only she left her magnifying glass at home. The crowd guffaws*

Warlock: Burn!

 

*Ray is escorted away as the latino is Hector (Peter Mark Vasquez) who says the Malito’s will pay. Rita (Jacqueline Obradors) says they can handle themselves. Karen pulls her aside and says what happened to Father Munoz could happen to her. Karen wants Rita to stall Hector so she can find out who’s behind it. The newswoman (Judy Lea) says a 19 year old was killed last week. Next frame has Gamal (Stoney Jackson) visiting the grave site. The other crying members of the family blow him off*

Warlock: Too much going on in one movie. Mexican gangbangers, Yakuza, Don Wilson….

 

*Jaho corners a black woman and kills her. Gamal and his boys walk back and find her body. Gamal pulls his gun and screams*

Warlock: Are we gonna get an explanation?

 

*Cab driver (Ken Davitian) charges Thomas 100 dollars from the airport to the police station. Cabbie “Next time take bus.” Thomas forks over Yen as he spots Yamata leaving the police station, Cabbie yells at him for real money and Thomas pulls his badge, telling him to follow the car. Cabbie says okay*

Warlock: Hahahaha

 

*Yamata is being transferred to a police station. Karen calls him Godzilla and he laughs it off. Thomas runs up and shows his ID to Karen. Karen says “You speak Engrish?” A miffed Thomas “Engrish is not one of my favorite languages but I speak it reasonably well”

Warlock: Damn you Karen.

 

*Thomas is there to bring Yamata extradited but Karen says he’s wanted for busting up a bar in LA. Thomas says he killed his partner and Karen leds him ride. Thomas speaks in dubbed Japanese that he’s there for him and Yamata says he’s sorry for the loss of his partner*

Warlock: Should have done that in the beginning of the movie.

 

*Karen asks why Japanese sounds like a worn out transmission. Thomas asks where Jaho is and he happens to be in disguise behind them*

Warlock: There he is.

 

*Yamata says he wouldn’t buy off Thomas because he’s nothing. Thomas offers jail perks and Yamata brushes him off.  Thomas threatens to tell everyone while Yamata is away that he’s an honorless rat, causing Yamata to attack and Jaho to use his hidden, CGI power on Yamata*

Warlock: Yeah, Japan is very big on honor. Saying you have  no honor in Japan is worse than calling someone gay or something.

 

*Thomas tells Yamata they have until they leave to cut a deal. Suddenly Yamata drops dead and Thomas calls him a son of a bitch. Karen asks what he said to him, Thomas said he’d dishonor him. Karen says “Yeah that would give anyone a heart attack*

Warlock: What did I say a minute ago?

 

*Karen pulls up in her car and initially Thomas wants nothing to do with her. She says her captain says she needs to keep an eye on him. Thomas says he has to go somewhere first, she’s driving. Thomas says her car is huge and she says its the way cars should be until the Japanese screwed it up. Thomas says low quality killed the American car industry, not them*

Warlock: Oh god, not this shit again. As if Gung Ho and Collision Course didn’t bring that shit up enough.

 

*Thomas brings Karen’s to Yjui’s uncle Buntoro Iga (Mako). He was Thomas’ master and teacher. He spent most of his life as a Shinto priest. Buntoro answers the door listening to 50’s rock and wearing American pajamas before embracing Thomas*

Warlock: Yeah, saw that coming.

 

*Karen introduces herself to Buntoro and he says she’s English and French. Karen is impressed that he’s correct and Buntoro offers booze to them. Thomas wants tea because he’s there on serious business and Buntoro says patience. Mariko (Charlene Paulo) and Katie (Leisa Sheridan) are Buntoro’s girlfriends, they’re introduced. Buntoro says he gave up priesthood over drinks. Buntoro says he decided to give instead of take. He became a shoe salesman. Buntoro has a parakeet named Rasputin*

Warlock: Neyz would like that.

 

*Thomas gets serious and says he will avenge Yuji. Buntoro drinks to that*

Warlock: Cheers.

 

*Thomas asks how Jaho became so powerful. He admits that Yamata was trying to take over the LA operation. Jaho takes out the coroner and Buntoro asks how Yamata died. Buntoro wants to see the body. Jaho pulls Yamata’s body out and starts doing chi. Suddenly Yamata comes to*

Warlock: Oh great, he can revive the dead now.

 

*Yamata wakes up as Kerry, Buntoro and Thomas walk in. Kerry and Buntoro investigate with Thomas close behind. Yamata is gone and the coroner is dead on the table. Kerry walks in and figure out the Iceman is behind it. Jaho loads Yamata in the car as Icemen attack. Thomas takes them out with hand to hand combat. They all run off when the cops arrive. Kerry wants to know what happened, Buntoro says the death was a charade and Jaho is a master of the death touch. Thomas says it was a myth, Buntoro says its no myth. Buntoro says Jaho is the mirror image of Thomas in that Jaho is the deadliest man alive*

Warlock: Yeah that makes sense…he didn’t kill Yamata…only faked his death to get the cops to get off his case.

 

*Captain Meisler (Michael Ironside) gives Karen and Thomas shit for letting Yamata get away. He calls Thomas the Japanese word for dog and says Thomas is on a plane back to Kyoto that night. All of a sudden Decklin (Edward Albert) walks in and says they want Yamata. Its classified but Thomas reveals Jaho isn’t a name but the word for magic. Decklin says stick to the 20th century. Thomas is asked to look over mugshots*

Warlock: Gonna delay that flight home.

 

*Meisler reveals Father Munoz’ body was taken last night and he wants to know what the feds are up to. He tells Karen to stay on Thomas and she says find someone else that can get along with Japs. Meisler scolds her for using racist language and says to stay with him, she’s off the gang related cases. He says take him to the movies*

Warlock: Yeah, go see Hellraiser 3.

 

*Councilman Royce walks in and tells Meisner that Malito and Icemen are meeting that month. Next frame Thomas gives his number to Decklin and takes his card. Decklin says someone in the department is on the take*

Warlock: Its probably him.

 

*Karen has orders to give Thomas the grand tour and he recluctantly goes along. Thomas and Karen admit they don’t like each other. Thomas says he’s going to find Jaho in Little Tokyo and Karen says no way. Karen says she’ll find reasons to lock him up but he says he won’t make it come to that. She says she worked twice as hard to make detective and she asks why he’s called a dog in Japanese. He says he was 12 years old when he moved to Japan, the only half breed in his school. To survive he had to become more Japanese than they were to save his ass in the school yard. Thomas then starts getting close to her*

Warlock: That was a quick turnaround.

 

*Karen says her father was a foreman in Flint for 29 years. One year before his retirement the plant closed, Japanese imports took over. He had to take a job at a liquor store and he was killed by a gang banger. That’s why she became a cop*

Warlock: That’s not Thomas’ fault.

 

*Karen says she’s gonna meet with one of her informants with information about the meeting. The hangout is an Iceman hang out. Jaho’s car is in the lot. Karen says to call for backup, Thomas says he’ll blend in with the crowd. Thomas enters the club and he’s the only white/Asian there. Gamal meets with Yamata and Jaho. Some gang bangers attack Thomas and he beats the shit out of all off them by himself. Someone goes Eddy Gordo on Thomas and Thomas wipes him out. Gamal then tries his luck but Thomas stops him. Jaho attacks and Thomas tries him instead. Jaho beats the shit out of Thomas as the crowd taunts him. Jaho applies the death touch as Karen fires a shot and says Yamata is wanted for being in tight with the KKK. Gamal believes her and says he shouldn’t have trusted Yamata. Gamal tells Jaho to shut the fuck up and says he’s gonna take care of them. Jaho uses ninja magic to escape with Yamnata as Gamal follows in his own car. Thomas collapses outside the club*

Warlock: Uh oh, movie’s over after 40 minutes.

 

*Gamal and his partner chase the car until they find out Yamata escaped. Yamata says Karen is becoming a pain in the ass and Jaho says he’ll take care of her. Yamata says to make a deal with the Malito’s to piss off the Icemen. Karen brings Thomas to Buntoro’s who calls for booze, acupuncture and incense. Next frame is Thomas in the bathrub with Karen walking in. She says don’t worry, she grew up with 3 brothers. Karen then makes fun of him for shrinkage. She then says Decklin knows Yamata is selling shit to the gangs to fund their war. Buntoro dumps more ice water on him and makes him drink hot stuff to piss him off further. Karen asks if he suffered any permanent damage, Buntoro says no. Buntoro says the next time they meet, one of them will die. He says they must train like they did when he was a child if he wants to defeat Jaho. Jaho takes a swig of his magic potion as we switch to night*

Warlock: This is getting too weird.

 

*Jaho follows Gamal’s partner, pulls out a rocket launcher and blows him away. He then talks to the corpse of Father Munoz and says to keep his mouth shut*

Warlock: He’s lost it folks.

 

*Buntoro whacks Thomas for training lousy*

Warlock: Just like Jackie Chan in The Big Brawl.

 

*Buntoro uses his own magic to knock Thomas in the pool. Buntoro says Thomas can unlock the healing power but has to tame the anger before he can control it. Next frame is Hector finding Father Munoz in his church and rounding up all his soldiers for a raid on the Icemen*

Warlock: Oh boy, a giant misunderstanding.

 

*Karen says she’ll calm the Malito’s down. Karen tries to talk Hector out of it. Karen says no one will be safe and they’re the ones that blew up Iceman’s top lieunntant. Hector says they had nothing to do with that and one of his goons grabs Karen. Thomas knocks the guy down and starts kicking ass*

Warlock: Art Camcaho makes his appearance.

 

*Thomas pulls a gun on Hector and he calls his boys off.  Karen says Councilman Royce organized a peace meeting in 8 days, wait before doing something stupid. Rita runs over and says in 4 days Hector called in reinforcements and plans to attack. Karen tells Thomas that Yamata is double dealing for maximum profits*

Warlock: Money money money.

 

*Ray racially insults blacks to Karen. She tells Steve (Forry Smith) they need to convince Gamal and Hector its a set up. Ray says to let the savages kill each other off and walks away laughing*

Warlock: Please let this asshole be the crooked cop just so Thomas can beat him stupid.

 

*Thomas trains blindfolded*

Warlock: We’re gonna need a montage.

 

*Montage of Thomas training. Eventually he gets the hang of fighting blind. Buntoro  says Thomas was his best student to Karen. He continues to train and Karen says she has a meeting with Royce. Thomas says he’s going to and he makes a phone call to Decklin. Thomas then hops in the car*

Warlock: Don’t trust anyone!

 

*Royce on the phone says he’ll handle it. He tells his secretary Dolores to get him stuff. Jaho walks up and seduces the secretary before we cut*

Warlock: Ruh roh.

 

*Thomas says Karen’s humor sucks. He then norices the van outside Royce’s office and immediately gets attacked. Thomas starts wiping out Icemen as Jaho walks into Royce’s office. He dispatches both of Royce’s guards and jump kicks a third guy. Jaho smaps Royce’s neck as Thomas fights his way up the stairs*

Warlock: Too late.

 

*Karen’s gun is kicked down the stairs as Thomas makes it to Royce’s office to wipe out more gang bangers. Royce is tossed out the window. Thomas and Karen jump out the window to escape the gang bangers as Gamal shows up. Gamal calls her a lying white bitch cop and pulls a gun on her and Thomas, thinking they killed Royce. Decklin shows up and arrests Gamal as Karen and Thomas point the finger at each other over who alerted Decklin*

Warlock: Please let the rat be Ray.

 

*Ray chuckles as Meisner suspends Karen for thirty days. Ray gives her shit and she calls her a pig*

Warlock: We still got 35 minutes left.

 

*Buntoro tells him he needs to dig deep in his two halves to make himself whole. The newscaster reports Royce was murdered by the Malito’s and Hector is the prime suspect. Thomas meets Karen at a bar who bitches about being suspended. Thomas says Decklin backed off as well. Ray shows up and gives Karen more shit before making racial taunts to Thomas*

Warlock: Please knock him out.

 

*Thomas calls Ray an amateur dart thrower. Thomas says he can throw 10 bullseye blindfolded and Karen bets 20 bucks he can do it. Thomas whispers something in Karen’s ear. Ray makes another racial taunt and Thomas makes him back up against the wall. Ray then throws 3 darts at Ray instead, one of them hitting his thigh. Karen gives him 20 dollars then 50 to Thomas because Thomas bet he’d make Ray piss himself, which he did*

Warlock: McMahon 3:16 says I just pissed my pants. Finally got his comeuppance.

 

*Ray runs off embarrassed as Thomas wants to take Karen’s car for a spin. Karen asks how he pulled off that trick and Thomas asks “What trick?”*

Warlock: Hahahaha

 

*Thomas and Karen share bonding moments and character development. His mother died when he was 12 so his Japanese father took him back to Japan. Buntoro taught him how to fight*

Warlock: Helps take off the run time.

 

*They share a kiss*

Warlock: About time.

 

*Jaho stalks the parakeet outside Buntoro’s*

Warlock: Ruh roh.

 

*Jaho walks in on Karen and Thomas while they sleep*

Warlock: Not exactly the Sandman….unless its the Metallica Sandman.

 

*Jaho steals Karen’s watch. Meanwhile Rita walks in and asks for Karen. Karen’s voice says she’s right there and Jaho walks in*

Warlock: Now he can disguise his voice too?

 

*Jaho stops Rita from stabbing him with a straight razor. All of a sudden Thomas wakes up with Karen kissing him. Thomas says to take the day off. Karen says men think they own women after sex, she says nobody owns her. Karen can’t find her watch and she’ll look for it, Thomas is to call Rita*

Warlock: I don’t think she’ll answer.

 

*Buntoro tells Thomas that Jaho was no dream and he holds up Rasputin’s cage, Rasputin is dead*

Warlock: Good thing Neyzor Blades didn’t see that.

 

*Thomas figures out Jaho has Karen’s watch. Karen searches Royce’s office and finds Rita dead on the couch. She covers her up as Ray walks in with a gun. Ray holds up the watch and Karen asks where he got it. Ray says it was in Rita’s hand where Karen left it. Steve walks in, puts black gloves on, picks up Karen’s gun and joins Ray. Steve says he’s sorry as Ray say they got a tip that Karen is the dirty cop behind it all. Thomas is on his way as two gunshots ring out. We cut back and Ray is dead, Steve killed him*

Warlock: Guess we know who the dirty cop is now.

 

*Steve says there are big money in guns and gangs kill each other off, everyone is happy. Jaho walk in and performs his magic on Karen as Thomas pulls up. Karen lays down and Jaho goes to for himself on her. They kiss as Thomas races up the stairs. Jaho has her hostage and Thomas says to let her go. Jaho taunts him and says there’s nothing he can do. Jaho applies the death touch to Karen and runs out with Steve. Jaho drives up as Meisner pulls up and Steve tells him Karen and Thomas are up there. Karen says the captain must be in on it too*

Warlock: Duh, why else would a chief or captain suspend someone for getting too close?

 

*Karen says they killed rita and Ray as Meisner makes it up the stairs as Karen and Thomas go dowstairs. Thomas brings her to Buntoro and he says he knows how but doesn’t have the gift, Thomas will have to save her. Buntoro shows Thomas how to heal Karen and he does*

Warlock: Great, now he’s got super powers too.

 

*Karen comes to 12 hours later and Karen says she has to stop the gang war. Hector walks in and asks if Karen is okay. Hector says the cops think she killed Rita and Ray, Hector knows better. Thomas says he’s sorry and Hector says he found the number Rita was given by Karen. Hector breaks down and says Rita was going to bear his son and he’s afraid of dying. Hector says the meeting is 3 hours from now. Hector says if Thomas can’t stop Yamata and Jaho from selling Gamal’s crew weapons, they’re going to have to get their own just to survive. Thomas calls Decklin and tells him to meet at the site*

Warlock: 13 minutes left, let’s finish this.

 

*Decklin and Thomas sneak around until Thomas is taken hostage by mercenaries. Decklin reveals he’s behind it, Steve was just a pawn. Decklin says his partners wanted Thomas personally. Jaho and Yamata walk in and stand side by side with Decklin. Jaho says he’s going to kill Thomas slowly and then Buntoro. Thomas then breaks free and starts kicking ass. Decklin caps one of the mercs by accident as Hector walks in and shoots another merc. The Malito’s run in and start attacking the mercs*

Warlock: A donnybrook, a melee, a pier sixer!

 

*Thomas and Jaho start dispatching guys left and right. Jaho goes to escape as Captain Meisner shows up and holds Decklin at gun point. Decklin ties to save face but Meisner reveals Karen’s suspension was a set up and they had Decklin and his crooked cronies under surveillance. All of the crooked cops have been arrested and Decklin is the only one left. Decklin tries to talk him out of it and Meisner drops him with the butt end of a shot gun. Meisner “I hate Feds”*

Warlock: Hahaha yes!

 

*Thomas Jaho into the street. He stops and goes to confront*

Warlock: The final battle.

 

*Thomas beats the living cap out of Jaho but Jaho tells hm to watch what he can do. Jaho uses cgi rapid fire kick to drop Thomas only for him to not sell it and smile at him. Jaho says he is apart of Thomas and Thomas says wrong and calls him a dead man. They trade heavy punches and kicks before Jaho uses his ninja power….but Thomas is ready for it. Thomas beats the crap out of Jaho as Yamata goes to shank him. Karen shoots Yamata dead just in time. Jaho is stunned to see Karen alive and Thomas says “He’s mine.” Thomas goes to strangle him but Karen talks him out of it*

Warlock: Idiot!

 

*Jaho goes to attack and Thomas hits him with the death touch. Thomas “There is nothing you can do.” Jaho bleeds out*

Warlock: If they wanted to make a sequel with Thomas turning heel, there ya go.

 

*Mesiner in luau clothes walks with two ladies and brags about himself. Karen says he’s looking good and walks away. Buntoro tells Thomas if he doesn’t dance with Karen, he will. Thomas says he’s never learned how to dance. Karen wants to teach him. Karen gives her father’s watch to Thomas and Thomas says he won’t forget her. Karen says they may bump into each other some day. They slow dance and we get the end credits to a sappy love song*

Warlock: Awwwww, isn’t that a sappy ending?

 

The Warlock’s Assessment: 6 out of 10: Cookie cutter yet has magic elements throwing it making it a fantasy martial arts movie rather than your normal action. If you can get past the hogwash elements you may be able to enjoy it. Great cast all around and recommended.

Final Grade: 6 out of 10 – Good

 

 

*Warlock rises from the recliner*

Warlock: As I rise from the chair, I give Red Sun Rising a thumb up. Its a good way to kill 95 minutes if there’s nothing else on. The cast makes it special so check it out when you can. That about wraps up another goodtastic adventure, have a pleasant evening.

227. Hawk’s Vengeance (1996)

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*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black leather jacket,  black t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a wine glass of Dr. Pepper*

Warlock: Welcome to my lair…welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock does a a 360 spinkick then enters the lair*

Warlock: Tonight I’m flying solo for the 1996 action drama Hawk’s Vengeance. Gary Daniels teams with a Chinese street gang to take down an ex-marine turned crime lord.

*Warlock takes his seat in the recliner*

Warlock: So let’s get started with Hawk’s Vengeance.

 

*The Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “When the Hawk strikes, he’s lethal!”

Warlock: Talk about fowl.

 

Directed by Marc F Voizard

Written by Jim Cirile and John Maxwell

 

*Opening credits has some dude being chased by Soldier Kelly (Pierre Gendron). The guy opens fire*

Warlock: Not wasting anytime, getting right to the chase scene.

 

*Soldier Kelly is shot down by someone on a ledge. A mobster walks out and tells the shooter to thank the Skinhead (Philippe Paquin) for assisting them. The shooters shoots Skinhead dead*

Warlock: “Nooooo that’s not what I meant!”

 

*The shooter is named Duquesne (Vlasta Vrana) and the mobster pays him for killing both of them*

Warlock: Guy’s named after a University.

 

*The mobster is named Blade (Charles Biddle Jr) and he and Duquesne enter a hidden entrance in the bar while the credits roll. Blade and Duquesne tell their Boss and his girlfriend that they got the job done. He says “Thank you, goodbye” and the hitmen walk out*

Warlock: That’s…it? No money? No pat on the back, no turn with the girlfriend? Lame.

 

*We cut to London, England where robbers are holding an old couple hostage. Suddenly a strike team led by Hawk (Gary Daniels) barges in and starts beating the shit out of the robbers. The robbers shoot the woman dead. Hawk wipes out the rest of the robbers and checks on the woman. She laughs and a buzzer goes off, Hawk pulls her up. This was a training demonstration and Hawk points out where they went wrong*

Warlock: Ohhhhh okay, I was about to say that was pretty shoddy to allow a hostage to get killed.

 

*Tango 1 (Cas Anvar) is disarmed by Hawk in the demonstration as Tango 3 (Patrick Kerton) looks on. Captain McKenzie (Noel Burton) comes in and vaguely mentions Hawk’s step-brother*

Warlock: Ruh roh!

 

*Hawk attends the funeral for his brother. Veronique (Stephanie Maillery) was seeing his brother. Another woman (Claudia Blondeau) walks up and says SHE’S been seeing his brother*

Warlock: This is gonna get awkward.

 

*Michael Durkee (Serge Houde) introduces himself to Hawk. Lizzie (Jayne Heitmeyer) was Soldier’s partner. Hawk asks Lizzie where she was during his murder. She says he was on suspension and he’s noutoriously on suspension. He asks what happened and she doesn’t know either. He was found dead in an alley in Chinatown. Hawk invites her out for coffee and she counters by going to a dive bar. Hawk’s face is priceless*

Warlock: Hahahaha.

 

*Lizzie says the Ba Wong gang (Houston Wong and Brian Paul Imperial) are under attack from the Death Skulls. Lizzie gets catcalled and she flips off the catcallers*

Warlock: Hahahaha

 

*Soldier hung one of the skinheads out of a 5 story window to get him to talk*

Warlock: That would be fun as hell.

 

*Seedy bar patrons flip off Hawk and Hawk walks over to them and says he’s gonna put them in the hospital if they don’t chill out. He orders them a round and walks back to Lizzie. The guys get up and leave*

Warlock: Wow, a peaceful ending instead of a bar clearing brawl.

 

*Hawk asks Lizzie if she’s married, she says she’s divorced. She would have gone for Soldier but he was too much of a playboy*

Warlock: What gave that away besides the 17 girlfriends at the funeral?

 

*The seedy bar patrons attack Hawk outside the bar and he wipes them out in short order*

Warlock: Wouldn’t the first guy have figured out that Hawk was for real after the spin kick?

 

*Hawk and Lizzie go their separate ways. Hawk says he’s gonna stay at his brother’s place until he sorts this mess out. Lizzie says not to interfere and Hawk asks her why she’d think that*

Warlock: Because she’s not a moron.

 

*Hawk looks at the picture collage on the wall as someone jumps out of the closet and attacks him with a frying pan. Hawk puts him in a fireman’s carry before slamming him over the bar*

Warlock: Guess the Ultimate Warrior taught him a few tricks in Firepower.

 

*Lizzie reports for duty the next day, Dr. Sattler (Arthur Holden) shows a corpse to Lizzie and her new partner who is squeamish. The corpse belongs to a Ba Wong member. Meanwhile back at Soldier’s apartment, Hawk asks the guy what he’s doing there. The dude says his name is Lipo (George Chiang) and he was his unofficial roomate. Lipo says his brother Liping (Winston Wong) was taken by the skinheads. Hawk unties him, introduces himself and pulls him up. Hawk says he’s lucky he didn’t pull kung fu moves on him. Lipo says he’s being racist that every Asian knows kung fu like Bruce Lee then makes a stereotypical noise*

Warlock: The funny part was Bruce Lee hated stereotypical Asian roles with the funny faces and accents.

 

*Hawk wants to be taken to Lipo’s leader Yoon (Russell Yuen). Lipo says “He’ll eat you alive, round eye!” Hawk tells him not to call him that and they share a laugh*

Warlock: At least they have sense of humor.

 

*Garr (Cass Magda) beats the crap out of his training partner. Blade gives him that week’s status report as Garr does his thing*

Warlock: If only Mr. America was here, he’d love the “attack to keep in shape” motif.

 

*Siegel (Johni Keyworth) is there to see Garr. Siegel controls the Southeast crime ring. Garr says they can’t screw up. Siegel is wheeled in by wheelchair. He says he’ll give him a million dollars for a business transaction but insults Garr by refusing to shake hands with him. Duquesne wheels him out. Garr tells Blade to get Clay (Sylvain Landry) on the horn for reinforcements*

Warlock: Something is afoot!

 

*Yoon and Lipo find Hawk in an alley. Hawk wants to know about the Death Skulls. Their M.O. is to stun their victims and do unspeakable things to them. Right on cue skinheads pull up, stun some dude and drive off with them. Hawk tells Yoon to hold off on a raid so people don’t get killed. Hawk then goes through Soldier’s personal armorment*

Warlock: This guy was prepared to rumble.

 

*Hawk packs for battle and asks Lipo where a costume shop is. He dresses in a Fire Inspector’s uniform and tells Lipo to stay in the car for 10 minutes*

Warlock: You were better off dressed as a biker.

 

*Hawk tells the bouncer (Andrew Campbell) to let him in or he calls the cops. He’s let in and he’s surrrounded by Death Skulls. Elwin shows Hawk where the smoke detector is. He pulls it apart as the gang leaves. Hawk installs a new one, lights up a cigar and goes to leave. Bouncer stops him and Hawk pulls out a box of cigars, their faces light up and he walks out. Lipo “I don’t fuckin believe it.” Hawk tells him to stand by. The Death Skulls all light up which causes the smoke detector to explode with green gas pouring out. Hawk and Lipo enter the lair with gas masks as everyone is out cold*

Warlock: BRILLIANT!

 

*Hawk says to Lipo that he put on the 10 minute timer just in case. Lipo spots the leader’s picture on the wall and Hawk says the band is playing that night. Hawk and Lipo split up to prepare as Duquesne throws another Ba Wong member into the holding cell. Liping protests and is shot by Duquesne. Later on, Clay and Bouncer report to Garr that Hawk tricked them. Clay says he must have been looking for Ba Wong. Garr pulls out a newspaper with Hawk’s picture on it and says he’s behind it*

Warlock: They had him pegged the whole time.

 

*Garr says not to panic. He instructs Blade and Duquesne to go get him. Blade and Duquesne insult each other and trade barbs. Blade wants to be professional as Duquesne says he knows his days are numbered so he wants to make enough money so he can retire to Costa Rica. He says in 3 years he’s gonna move there. Blade says he’s delusional*

Warlock: Believe it or not, these guys are more developed then the rest of these clowns, sans Hawk.

 

*Hawk walks into Soldier’s place and the two hitmen open fire. Hawk barely scrambles away before he knocks out Blade. Duquesne shoots at him and Hawk knocks him down too. Both try to attack and Hawk kicks both their asses. Duquesne throws the microwave at him and holds him but Blade cuts off Duquesne’s fingers by accident. Lipo pretends to be a cop to scare off Blade and Duequesne. Duquesne says they need to find his fingers because they have his prints on them*

Warlock: Hahahaha no shit.

 

*Hawk tells Lipo he’s going to Floyd’s. He wants Lipo to clean up the mess. Lipo yells at him as Hawk leaves*

Warlock: I dig the sound track at least.

 

 

*Clay, Bouncer and another skinhead corner Hawk. Hawk beats the shit out of random goon and Bouncer. He then wipes out Clay as 3 gangbangers try to strip Hawk’s car. He beats the shit out of them too as Lipo joins in with a mask on. Lipo and Hawk wipe them both out. Hawk says he thought he didn’t know Kung Fu, Lipo says he ASSUMED that he didn’t. Some rooster looking woman is stopped by another skinhead. Its Lizzie in disguise. Hawk and Lipo load Clay into the jeep and drive off as Bouncer comes too. Bouncer grabs all his buddies to chase after the jeep as Lizzie says “Damn you Hawk.” Hawk pulls over and tells Lipo to beat it because he works as a solo act. Lipo yells at him for dropping him off in the middle of nowhere*

Warlock: Yeah really, stop assuming he knows every street.

 

*Hawk has Clay all tied up. Hawk is going to torture him with napalm unless he talks. Clay refuses to talk so Hawk goes to leave. Clay calls him back over and Hawk asks why they’ve kidnapped the Ba Wong. Clay says Garr is behind it all. Garr is the crime boss of the area. Hawk asks what he wants with Ba Wong. Clay calls them every racial insult in the book. Hawk asks what happened to Soldier and if he doesn’t talk, he dies. Garr says he wanted Soldier dead because he was getting too close to Garr’s operation. He had Blade and Duquesne murder him. Hawk walks out and the napalm blows, taking out the whole building*

Warlock: Next on the menu, fried Clay.

 

*Blade asks Morelli (Pierre Lenoir) how they’re holding up numbers wise. Morelli says there’s still nothing from Siegal’s camp. Morelli asks for sleep and Blade subtlely threatens him, Morelli goes back to work. Meanwhile Lipo knows Garr and he’s a fighting master. Lipo is pleased Hawk wiped out Clay but Hawk asks where he can find Garr. Lipo says he’ll ask around as there’s a knock on the door*

Warlock” Its Blade and Duquesne, take cover!

 

*Lizzie walks in and demands answers as to why he was at the club. Lipo leaves them alone. Hawk denies involvement and bullshits her. She tells him to back off and he tells HER to back off because the cops of done nothing. Lizzie wants him to go with her and he asks her out to dinner. She says her dad warned her about dinner not meaning dinner at all*

Warlock: Smart man.

 

*Dr. Rebecca Palmer (Catherine Blythe) patches up Duquesne and says she couldn’t salvage the middle finer, she flips him off as Blade laughs. Garr storms in and says he wants to see Blade in his office at 4 pm. Duquesne “Your ass is grass bro hahahaha.” Garr then says “Duquesne, you too.” Blade eats the cheese he brought Duquesne. Duquesne “You fuckin Indian giver” Blade laughs*

Warlock: Ha, these are the best characters in the movie.

 

*Lipo calls Bouncer pretending to be Blade and says Clay was found alive. Meet at this location to get him. With the Ba Wong waiting, Bouncer’s crew walks into an ambush. Bouncer’s crew is wiped out as Hawk and Lipo says tomorow they’re going to storm Garr’s headquarters. Later on Garr laments to Duquesne about the skinheads turning on them. Duquesne says he’s going to turn Clay’s head into an ash tray. Garr scoffs*

Warlock: They have no idea.

 

*Garr says Duquesne and Blade better bring Hawk back alive. At the date, Hawk reveals why his name is Hawk to Lizzie. Hawk then gives their backstory of him and Soldier*

Warlock: A little late for character development but better late than never.

 

*Hawk kisses Lizzie and asks her to come back to his place, Lizzie says her place. Hawk says his place is still a mess. They get a hotel room instead and we get a pointless sex scene*

Warlock: Half hour left in the movie, saw this coming a mile away. This is no longer the worst movie of all time.

 

*Garr’s men confront Lipign’s imprisoned crew and take one of them much to Liping’s dismay. Dr Palmer cuts the dude open alive as Blade and Morelli watch. Pinkus (David Siscoe) is on package duty. Palmer cuts the dude’s heart out and gives the thumb’s up to Blade*

Warlock: Damn that was cool.

 

*Hawk watches the news that Clay was found dead. Hawk tries to turn the tv off but Lizzie keeps it on and its revealed Clay was killed by a professional. Lizzie slaps him across the face and calls him a lying piece of shit. Hawk says he can explain…but he can’t. Lizzie says she has to arrest him now. Hawk says Garr is behind the Ba Wong disappearances and the skinheads were the middle men. Lizzie says Garr is an ex-marine, did a tour in Manilla. He was charged in 1991 with a black market op and he resigned. Hawk is pissed and wants him himself, marine to marine. Lizzie says to back off or she will arrest him. Hawk says he’s more effective than she is, but wait till after he brings down Garr to arrest him*

Warlock: Who says she’s not on the payroll?

 

*Highway trooper (Derek Johnston) pulls over Morelli. Morelli asks if something’s wrong, Trooper says he was going to ask him the same thing since he’s going 25 in a 60 mmph highway*

Warlock: Hahahahahahaha

 

*Morelli says he’s just being careful. He’s asked about the cooler in the back and Morelli says nothing is in there. Trooper pulls the cooler out, opens it and find’;s the dude’s heart that Palmer cut out*

Warlock: Wouldn’t that be illegal search and seizure?

 

*Trooper pulls his gun and tells Morelli not to shoot. Meanwhile Hawk and Lipo get packed for battle and tells him not to kill anyone.  Hawk “ever think about joining the marines?” Lipo salutes “Fuck no sir!” Lipo and Hawk are then ambushed by Blade and Duquesne. They get stunned but Hawk recovers to fight them off. Blade accidentally cuts Duquesne’s ear off. Hawk gets the upper hand but Blade sprays him with mace. Blade and Duquesne take the duo hostage and take them to Dr. Palmer’s office. Palmer says they need tissue samples and it won’t hurt. Duquesne getting patched up tells her to make it hurt*

Warlock: This is making for an interesting ending.

 

*Back at the police station, Lizzie is informed about Morelli’s arrest. Back at the office, Garr says they can sell Lipo’s tissue for a million dollars. He tells her to prep him for surgery and he’s going to get Siegal. Hawk is thrown in the holding cell without Lipo. Liping is pissed that his brother is there. Liping says there’s no way out of there. Hawk still scopes the place. Lipo is prepped*

Warlock: Hawk you better hurry up.

 

*Hawk pulls a MacGuyver to make a makeshift thingamajig to help the escape. Blade makes fun of Duquesne in the bathroom, Lizzie starts storming Garr’s building*

Warlock: Heading toward the end. Nice A-Team tribute there.

 

*Hawk’s crew uses the makeshift shrapenel launcher to disarm the guard and escape. Lizzie starts capping Garr’s men as Lipo thinks its Hawk and starts taunting Palmer before he’s put under. Hawk’s crew loses a man but caps more Garr’s men. Liping, Yoon and Hawk press on as Blade and Duquesne are still in the bathroom. Hawk and Lizzie get the drop on each other but they drop their guns. Palmer is about to cut open Lipo when Lizzie kicks the door in and says freeze. Liping runs in and throws Palmer out of the way. He starts beating the shit out of Palmer as more goons run in. Hawk fights one of them one on one as Lizzie beats the shit out of Palmer’s male nurse. Palmer and Lizzie go one on one as Liping puts Lipo in a fireman’s carry and walks out. Hawk finally knocks out the random goon he’s fighting as Yoon wipes out his attacker. Lizzie uses the heart paddles to shock Palmer through a glass storage locker. Hawk drills a hole in the goon’s head as Liping, Lizzie and Hawk run out to where Lipo and Liping are. Finally Duquesne and Blade make it out of the bathroom. Duquesne wants Blade’s knife so he doesn’t acidentally stab him again*

Warlock: HAhaahahahahaha

 

*Blade aims for Hawk but misses and shoots Duquesne down. Hawk snaps Blade’s neck. Duquesne hands the Costa Rica flier to Hawk who says he should go there on his next vacation. He drops the flier on Duquesne who dies*

Warlock: Ok, that does it for the henchmen, time to end this.

 

*A chopper prepares to take off. Garr gets out and challenges Hawk to a one on one fight on the roof. Garr says “Its time” as Siegal is in the chopper. After a fight, Hawk gets the upperhand. Hawk spinkicks Garr into a whirling propeller, cutting his face off. Siegal’s chopper flies off as the cops arrive*

WarlockL That takes care of handsome Harold.

 

*Lipo and Liping congratulate Hawk for kicking ass. Lizzie asks what now, Hawk says the town has a lot of possibilities. Durkee walks in and says he’s putting Lizzie up for a commendation. Lizzie suggests to Durkee to get him a job. Durkee walks off flustered as Hawk and Lizzie share a laugh. Hawk gives the peace sign, end credits*

Warlock: Yes because a marine can be hired as a police officer in a different country no problem.

 

The Warlock’s Assessment: I actually liked this one. I give it a 6 out of 10. We actually had character development which made the kill scenes mean more. The action was pretty good so its worth a look.

Final Grade: 6 out of 10 – Good

 

*Warlock rises from the recliner*

Warlock: Of all the cookie cutter 90’s action b movies, this was one of the better ones. Character developmemt goes a long way and it makes movies more enjoyable. That about wraps up another goodtastic adventure, have a pleasant evening.

226. Firepower (1993)

fire

*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black leather jacket, ULTIMATE WARRIOR t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a glass mug of pepsi*

Warlock: Welcome to my lair…welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock levitates before walking into the lair*

Warlock: Tonight is a solo project but for the first time, I’m disappointed that neither Thug D, Neyzor Blades or Mr. America is with me. Tonight is FIREPOWER…the 1993 action/fighting movie starring Gary Daniels and none other than THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR!

*The Ultimate Warrior theme plays briefly as Warlock pumps his fist and runs around the room, somehow not spilling his drink. He then settles into the recliner*

Warlock: So let’s get this party started with Firepower.

 

Directed by Richard Pepin

Written by Michael January

 

*Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “You can enter the Hell Zone but you can never leave it.”

Warlock: Ah lovely, Escape From New York in 2007.

 

*Opening credits*

Warlock: Gary Daniels in the house.

 

*Its the year 2007, a newscaster says AIDS are making a comeback*

Warlock: Imagined if they were eradicated in 2002 like in the movie.

 

*Darren Braniff (Chad McQueen) and Nick Sledge (Gary Daniels) watch the news. Darren says “No glove, no love.”

Warlock: I gotta write that one down.

 

*Bill Russel ((Peter Gonneau) says police services were not provided in 1999 in the Hell Zone. In the 7 years since, the Hell Zone has turned into crime central*

Warlock: So Hell Zone is pretty much New York from Escape From New York? Lovely.

 

*Bill Russel says people need to clean up Hell Zone. Darren asks who’s going to clean it up. Nick says to drop a bomb on it*

Warlock: I gotta agree with Nick on that one.

 

*Nick and Darren are called into action. Mendez (Pablo Marz) is behind the crimes, Nick and Darren are on their way. The gang bangers car along with a cruiser flips over and explodes*

Warlock: Great, more exploding cars for no reason.

 

*The gang bangers are gunned down as Darren uses a “Smart” bullet. Another gang banger is arrested*

Warlock: Bad boys bad boys, watcha gonna do.

 

*Boone (Vanessa Hampton) complains that gas is up to 30 dollars a gallon*

Warlock: We’re headed that way.

 

*Darren and Nick bring in Mendez. The booking officer (Dennis Garber) tells them to uncuff him. Mendez record is processed as Darren brings up the charges. Nick says he resisted arrest. Mendez insults everyone and the booking officer says he’s resisting again so Nick bangs Mendez’ head against the desk*

Warlock: Hahahahaha

 

*Booking officer says Nick needs a hair cut. Boone gets in some g rated flirting with Nick as Darren playfully pushes him away.  Mendez is tossed in a cell as Nick tells him to have fun. Mendez calls him a dead man and Nick punches him*

Warlock: Hahahaha

 

*Captain Croy (George Murdock) tells Nick to get a haircut. Darren says his kid needs an evaluation and needs time off to help.  Croy says to check with scheduling. The booker says the cops captured The Swordsman (Jim Hellwig) and they’re rbinging him in*

Warlock: ITS THE ULLLLLLLLLLLTIMATE….WARRIORRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!

 

*Swordsman is brought in to book. Croy says they’ll need a security transport for him. His criminal recorded is as long as his arm and he starts fighting off the cops. Swordsman beats the crap out of the cops that arrested him. Swordsman hits a headbutt then slams the dude’s head into the desk. He’s eventually tazed and brought to a holding cell*

Warlock: Ultimate Warrior gets counted out.

 

*Mendez calls Swordsman “boss”*

Warlock: Heh, gang bangers take orders from the Ultimate Warrior, I love it.

 

*Swordsman’s gang plows through the police barrier to bail him out. He sits quietly as the gang bangers storm the station. Booking officer takes one out but is shot and killed. Nick takes out another gang banger. The gang enters the holding cell, Swordsman “Get me out of here….now!!!” Mendez is left behind*

Warlock: He’s nothing.

 

*Boone is shot and killed as Nick takes out the stragglers. Croy tells them to wait for backup but Darren and Nick take off in hot persuit of Swordsman’s gang*

Warlock: Ultimate Warrior as a heel for the first time since his Bladerunner days.

 

*Nick and Darren pursue the bus containing Swordsma’s crew. The bus shoots the police chopper out of the sky. Nick is blown off his bike but Darren picks him up, Nick says he’s going after them*

Warlock: And now we get to the Escape From New York portion of the movie.

 

*Nick and Darren enter Hell Zone and a male hooker (Stephen J McCarthy) say the suspect is in the club*

Warlock: Wish that was Adrian Street haha.

 

*The ring announcer (Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs) says to place their bets. Nick and Darren enter a club for tournament fighting. The Viper  (Art Camacho) prepares for battle. Drexal (Joseph Ruskin) is informed there are cops in the building with Swordsman behind him. Drexal says they’re free to enter…if they can play. Meanwhile Lisa (Alisha Des) tells them that she’s just a betting girl. A gangbanger and his buddy shoot Darren and Nick shoots them both dead. Darren is wearing armor so hes ok*

Warlock: What a narrow escape.

 

*Nick and Darren start cleaning out the bar looking for Swordsman. The crowd laughs at them. Nick says they don’t get any respect. Various strippers surround the duo and they walk off*

Warlock: They’re on duty.

 

*Announcer says Viper is against Mauler. Viper beats the shit out of him. Nick bets on Viper and calls them bozos*

Warlock: Hah.

 

*Viper and Mauler then use weapons and once again Viper wins. The bouncer (Nils Allen Stewart) tells Darren and Nick to pay to play*

Warlock: Nils looks like Kano from Mortal Kombat.

 

*Nick and Darren say the are on duty and leave. They go back to Croy and ask what the green vial is. Croy thinks its an AIDS vaccine. Nick and Darren want to go undercover to bust Drexal’s drug labs and vaccine hoarding.  Croy says if they get themselves killed, nobody is going to care but the union. Croy sends them off. Darren listens to the newscaster (Taylor Leigh) where another Hell Zone was raided but was a failure. Darren’s wife Sue (Kimberly Cockrell) yells at him for taking the dangerous mission. Darren yells back and Sue storms off after asking if he’ll be there for the evaluation. He says he can’t. Back in Hell Zone a death match between Swordsman and Professor Tanabe (Gerald Okamura). Swordsman beats the shit out of him*

Warlock: Wow.

 

*Professor rakes the eyes as the swords are distributed. They sword fight a bit before Swordsman wins by stabbing him to death*

Warlock: HERE IS YOUR WINNER…THE ULLLLLLLLLTIMATE…WARRIORRRRRRRR!!!!!

 

*Darren and Nick walk in to the lockerrom as the new Lethal Combat fighters. They get their own lockers. Chief Handler (Michael Gregory) says drinks are on the house and not to get too friendly with other fighters because they may fight one another. Swordsman walks in and laughs at Darren and Nick*

Warlock: “You guys are no Ho Kogan!”

 

*Nick wants to be called The Hammer, Darren is The Alley Cat*

Warlock: Greg Valentine is gonna be pissed.

 

*Darren hobnobs with Viper who says to check his next fight out. Viper faces Dr. Death in a non lethal match*

Warlock: In other words, nobody gets killed.

 

*Nick asks Darren if anyone will be likely to talk….if they survive*

Warlock: Well if they don’t survive, no one will talk.

 

*Viper wins the fight using nunchucks. Nick is up next as Viper grabs a towel, Darren congratulates Viper. Viper says a couple more wins will get him some real money. Viper’s real name is Joey. Darren playfully insults him and Nick counters that Darren may learn something. Nick is introduced as The Hammer and he does a split*

Warlock: Right out of Ring of Fire.

 

*Viper beats the crap out of his opponent as Drexal controls the weapons for the lethal portion. Viper refuses to use a weapon and still takes out his opponent with hand to hand tactics. Viper watches intently*

Warlock: Here is your winner…Gary Daniels!

 

*Nick celebrates in the back as Darren is up next. Darren must fight Stomper*

Warlock: Archie “The Stomper” Goulding would have been awesome right now.

 

*Stomper beats up Darren so Drexal sends him a shield. Darren knocks him out with the shield*

Warlock: Not bad, could be better.

 

*At the bar, Viper tells Darren and Nick that he’s just trying to feed his family.  Darren puts the moves on Lisa after Viper tells her she’s Drexal’s girl. She calls them neanderthals and leaves. They yuk it up as Viper leaves. Nick wants to question Lisa but also wants to check out Drexal’s palace. Darren goes to Lisa and she says she’s not interested in fighters because her last boyfriend died in a fight. Drexal comes over and tells Lisa to go do her job. Swordsman stands behind him as Drexal says to stay away from Lisa. Darren says sure*

Warlock: I hate jealous boyfriends.

 

*Darren plays Super Nintendo with his son and Sue still bitches at him*

Warlock: I loev how its supposed to be 2007 and he’s playing Super Nintendo. In real life XBox, Wii and the PS3 were the popular systems in 07. Little did anyone know in 1993.

 

*Sue tells Darren she can’t take it. She continues to berate him, steals the kid and leaves*

Warlock: What a bitch.

 

*Next day Nick and Darren catch the fights before Darren catches Lisa outside. Lisa has a black eye and Darren figures out Drexal did it. They share bonding moments as Darren says he’s got a son at home and a wife who doesn’t like what he does. He doesn’t want anything from Lisa but he gets a little nosey sometimes. He tells her to leave Hell Zone if she doesn’t like it before he leaves*

Warlock: This romance isn’t over yet.

 

*Nick says Swordsman is in tight with Drexal so there’s a connection with Swordsman’s gang. Meanwhile Handler pulls Darren aside and respectfully tells him to stay away from Lisa. Darren says he went out for smoke, Handler says that’s not healthy either. Darren then wins his next fight, barely*

Warlock: Love how they’re establishing him as the never say die babyface and Nick as the unstoppable ass kicker.

 

*Viper congratulates Darren. Nick then fights The Maniac and wins*

Warlock: This is turning into Bloodsport, forget Escape From New York.

 

*Darren and Viper talk more. Viper says something’s wrong with Darren and Nick, they’re not like the other fighters. Viper tells him he saw Drexal and Swordsman talking but is cut off by Handler saying he’s bumped up to the main event. Viper is excited because he wants the money. Viper is slated to face The Rocker*

Warlock: Which one, Shawn Michaels or Marty Jannetty?

 

*Rocker and Viper go back and forth before Viper gets the upperhand. Viper his denied his weapon as Rocker gets a scyth that he promptly buries in Viper’s back, killing him*

Warlock: Rocker wins…flawless victory.

 

*Darren and Nick are distraught at the bar. Lisa walks up and is nonchalant about it. Darren says Drexal was behind it. Darren says Viper was going to talk about a vaccine and she leaves. Nick says Darren may have blown their cover. Darren talks with Handler who says he’s not in it for the money, he lives there. Back at the station Darren says they have Lisa as a cover and Croy wants to take them off the case. Darren and Nick want to fight Lethal so they can crack the case, Croy finally relents. “Get some sleep, you both look like a piece of fried shit!”

Warlock: Hahahaha

 

*Mendez is supposed to be transferred to a high security prison but Swordsman’s gang springs him out*

Warlock: Great, now Mendez is gonna blow their cover.

 

*Mendez gets Darren’s home address, meanwhile back in Hell Zone. Lisa knows Darren is a cop and wants to help him*

Warlock: Oh shit…..

 

*Lisa tells Darren that Drexal is making the vaccine in an abandoned factory. She wants Drexal dead and Darren says he’ll get him. She kisses his cheek*

Warlock: He may have to marry her if Mendez is after Darren’s family.

 

*Sue sent their son Billy to be with his grandmother as Mendez enters Sue’s residence. Mendez shoots her dead*

Warlock: Darren is gonna be PISSED.

 

*2 random guys fight as Nick does a split in the back*

Warlock: Hooray, we got two guys that don’t fucking matter.

 

*Mendez reports to Drexal and spots Nick on the monitor, squealing that he’s a cop. Nick is scheduled to face The Stomper but Drexal changes it to a deathmatch between Nick and Swordsman*

Warlock: The big one on one fight comes 18 minutes early.

 

*Swordsman gets the early advantage in the fight but Nick fights back. Nick ducks under a clothesline and kicks Swordsman in the back. Swordsman then delivers a knee to the head.  Nick nips up and starts kicking away but Swordsman barely sells any of it. Drexal unlocks the sword for Swordsman and Nick does his best to fight back hand to hand. They trade right hands before Drexal says to end it. He instructs is computer geek to electrify the cage the fighters are in. Swordsman pushes Nick into the cage and it shocks him down.  Swordsman yells and reaches for his sword*

Warlock: Calling upon the power of the Warriorsssssssss

 

*Swordsman cuts Nick’s head off as Darren gets his gun. He starts shooting random goons as Handler tells him to get out of there*

Warlock: Wow, they actually killed off the main character, I’m stunned.

 

*Drexal watches security footage of Lisa kissing Darren and Drexal says to move it. Darren goes home to find his wife dead*

Warlock: Loses his partner and his wife on the same day, he is not having a good week.

 

*Croy asks what he can do for Darren. Darren says he’s going after Drexal and nobody is going to stop him. If he wants his badge, that’s how its going to be. Croy doesn’t want the badge, he wants Darren alive. Darren “Let me take care of that.”

Warlock: He’s gonna have to wipe out everybody by himself.

 

*Darren in full police uniform stops the arena after wiping out two guards. Drexal leaves a pre-recorded message that he’s got Lisa hostage. Mendez on the tape says “Hey officer Branniff” and the real Mendez in the cage says “Goodbye” and blows Darren away with a a shotgun*

Warlock: Alright, movie’s over.

 

*Mendez checks on Darren who’s armor saved him and he shoots Mendez dead. “You wish you asshole.”

Warlock: Weak dialogue.

 

*Darren storms the phony vaccine drug lab and silently kills one guard then another. Darren then opens fire on the guards as the scientists run for cover. Darren runs into Drexal’s office where he’s got Lisa at gunpoint. Darren says to let her go. Drexal tells Darren to drop the gun. Darren drops it as Swordsman appears behind him. Drexal says a deathmatch between Darren and Swordsman will decide the fate of Lisa*

Warlock: I will say that was awesome booking going into this. Nick was clearly the better fighter over Darren and if he couldn’t beat Swordsman, how the hell can Darren win?

 

*Swordsman puts the sword down to fight hand to hand. Swordsman beats the crap out of Darren with Darren trying to fight back. Darren grabs a piece of pipe but Swordsman throws him off*

Warlock: You’re going to have to outsmart him.

 

*They trade right hands as Swordsman gorilla press slams Nick down*

Warlock: Now its time for the big splash….oh wait…its a movie.

*Nick stands in front of the electric fuse box and Swordsman goes for the kill shot, but Nick moves and Swordsman electrocutes himself by stabbing the fuse box*

Warlock: Ultimate Warrior jobs to Darren, couldn’t put over the Macho Man but he’ll put Darren over.

 

*Drexal says Lisa is dead anyway and in one sudden move, Darren pulls the sword out of the wall and flings it, hitting Drexal dead center in the chest and impaling him*

Warlock: Oh come on…..not only would he have electrocuted himself, there’s no way that throw from that distance would have been that accurate.

 

*Darren pulls the sword out and Drexal falls 20 feet through a window to his death. Lisa cuddles with Darren. End credits*

Warlock: Kind of a weak ending but no matter, the bad guys got theirs.

 

The Warlock’s Assessment: Normally I’d give this a 4.5 for being cookie cutter but there were a few surprises that made me up the score. They had the balls to kill off Gary Daniels so there’s a .5 to bring it to 5. The fact they showcased the Ultimate Warrior for that long and he did his job gives this another .5. It was pretty much a cookie cutter B movie from the 90’s but the Warrior made it worth taking a look.

Final Grade: 5.5 out of 10 – Above Average.

 

*Warlock rises from the recliner*

Warlock: Ultimate Warrior was a character that we’ll never see again and it hasn’t been the same since he’s been gone. Still, seeing him again was nice and the movie itself wasn’t all bad. Its worth taking a look if you’re an action fan or a wrestling fan. That about wraps up another above average adventure….have a pleasant evening.

*Warlock runs around the room as the Ultimate Warrior theme plays and out of the lair*

225. The Nice Guys (2016)

nice.jpg

*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black leather jacket,  RED OCTOBER t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades.  He’s holding a flower watering can of Dr. Pepper*

Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock drinks some of the Dr. Pepper like he’s watering a plant before walking inside*

Warlock: Tonight is actually a rare night as we are doing the most recent movie released to date. Thug D has picked out a 2016 action comedy called The Nice Guys.

*Thug D is sitting in the recliner wearing a jean jacket with band patches on it,  Mudak t-shirt, black jeans, sneakers and Oaklies shades*

D: Yeah, it was pretty funny when I saw it in theaters.

*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*

Warlock: So let’s begin The Nice Guys

Directed by Shane Black

Written by Shane Black and Anthony Bagarozzi

*D reads the tag-line*

D: “In 1970s Los Angeles, a mismatched pair of private eyes investigate a missing girl and the mysterious death of a porn star.”

Warlock: This isn’t blacksploitation is it?

D: With Russel Crowe??

*Old Warner Brothers logo*

Warlock: Heh, the old logo.

D: Yeah they do that sometimes.

*Panoramic view of Hollywood, 1977*

Warlock: Love Gun just came out.

*Kid steals his father’s dirty magazine and looks at the centerfold of Misty Mountains (Murielle Telio)*

Warlock: Good choice.

*A car crashes through the house, the kid checks out the wreckage*

Warlock: Isn’t that the kid from Insidious?

D: Yes, it is.

*Misty Mountains herself is the victim, kid takes his shirt off and covers her with it*

Warlock: This kid is gonna jerk off to her every day the rest of his life.

*Jackson Healy (Russell Crowe) does a voiceover saying he’s the one they call to pay people visits to scare them away. He eats peanuts and throws the shells into someone else’s car*

Warlock: Hahahahaha

*Jackson punches out “The Man” for hitting on a little girl. Meanwhile Holland March (Ryan Gosling) bathes in his suit as his daughter calls and says her birthday is today. He crawls out and gets gas at a gas station*

D: Oh yeah, the gas shotage.

*Holland meets a woman who wants to pay him to find her husband. He looks on the mantle and sees her husband’s ashes on the mantle. Jackson sarcastically asks how long he’s been gone, she says since the funeral. Holland says he’ll start right away*

D and Warlock: Hahahahahahahahahahahahaa

*Holland goes to smash a window with his fist, misses and cuts his wrist open. He taggers “Oh that’s a lot of blood.” Holland is rushed to the hospital*

Warlock: Hahahahahahaha

*Radio says police are still investigating the Misty Mountains death. Jackson flashes back to his gf saying she’s sleeping with Jackson’s dad causing him to spittake*

Warlock: Hahahaa

D: The actress was trying not to laugh.

*Jackson punches Holland and beats him around. Jackson tells Holland to stop looking for Amelia (Margaret Qualley). Holland says she’s a person of interest. “Put a fork in me…actually don’t put a fork in me.” Willie Glenn (Lois Smith) hired Holland. Jackson beats him around and breaks his arm. He takes an apple and walks out and runs into Holland’s daughter. She asks if he’s a friend and Jackson says business associate. She hands him a Yoohoo bottle and he thanks her*

D: I don’t even know where he can get those in those bottles.

*Jackson is mugged by The Older guy (Keith David). Holland goes back to Mrs. Glenn and figures out that he wasn’t after Amelia, he was after Misty Mountains who died. In the car Holland asks his daughter Holly (Angourie Rice) if he’s a bad person, she says yes*

D: Hahahahaha

*Blueface (Beau Knapp) throws Jackson’s own fish at him. Jackson gets pissed. He pulls a gun and starts blasting. The Older Guy and Blueface run away. Meanwhile Holland has Holly’s birthday party at a bowling alley with KISS “Rock N Roll All Nite” as the soundtrack*

Warlock: You drive us wild

D: We’ll drive you crazyyyyyyy

*Jack finds Holland in the bathroom and a hilarious exchange occurs where Holland is trying to hold Jack at gunpoint while Holland is on the toilet*

Warlock and D: Hahahahaha

*Jack wants Holland’s help finding Amelia before The Older Guy gets her first. Jackson tells him to find her. Holland tells Jackson the story of Mrs Glenn saying she saw Amelia thinking it was Misty Mountains. Meanwhile Holly shows up and says she’ll give 30 bucks to Jackson to beat up her friend Janet. Jackson is interested*

Warlock and D: Hahahahaha

*Holland tells Jack to keep his mouth closed. Holland looks at some of the smog protestors playing dead. Holland says its Amelia’s group. Some girl on the ground tells them to shut up because they’re dead. Holland steps on someone and says “Sorry, thought you were dead.” Holland then says for 20 bucks, help find Amelia’s bf Dean. The kid brings Jackson and Holland to a burnt down house and said Dean was killed 3 days before. Holland “You gotta be fuckin kidding me” The kid’s name is Chet (Jack Kilmer).

Warlock: Hahahahhaa

*Kid on a bike (Lance Valentine Butler) gives them intel and asks if they want to see his deck. Holland gets agitated*

D and Warlock: Hahahaha

*Jackson and Holland find Sid Shattuck’s billboard. Back at Holland;s house, Holland calls and asks for his whereabouts as Holly asks why they won’t let Jackson in. Holland “No animals allowed in the house”

D and Warlock: Hahahaha

*Holly tells Jackson she’s friends with a cop who likes Holland. Jackson says they should get married. Meanwhile Holland tells Jackson that Mrs. Glenn is so blind, you could paint a mustache on a Volkswagen and she’d say “Wow Omar Shariff sure runs fast”

Warlock: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

*Holland and Jackson get to the porn pool party and Holly is in the trunk. The valet refuses to take the car. Holland shoves Holly into a cab and sends her away*

Warlock: It would have been funnier if they let Holly stay.

*Holland says he has no sense of smell. Jackson “You’re a detective and you can’t smell? Oh this keeps getting better.”

D: Hahahaha

*Holland and Jackson split up*

Warlock: Mr. America hates that.

*Jackson puts a drink on a girl’s ass who’s imitating a rainbow. Jackson bends down and apologizes*

Warlock: Heh.

*Holland asks a stripper where Amelia is, the bartender says not to ask. Meanwhile Jackson finds “Misty Mountains” footage and figures out Amelia IS Misty Mountains. Holland dives into the pool to interview the mermaids. Jackson finds Holly and smashes some guy’s head in. Holly says he didn’t put the porno on, the girl next to her did. Holly asks where Amelia is but the girl doesn’t know*

Warlock: Its funnier with the girl inbolved.

*Holland runs into Pocahontas (Lexi Johnson) who pretends to shoot him and he literally falls over the balcony and rolls down the hill, hurting himself*

Warlock: Hahahahahahhaa

*Holland loses his gun and has to look for it. While searching, he finds Amelia. He drunkenly lets he run off and he finds the gun. He talks to himself*

Warlock: That was Amelia wasn’t it?

*Holland lights up a cigarette and there’s a dead body behind him. Hi cigarette falls out of his mouth*

Warlock: Right out of Ghostbusters.

*Jackson hysterically tries to yell for Jackson but takes 10 seconds. Jackson “The fuck are you doing down there?”*

Warlock: Hahahahaha

*Jackson pulls the guy’s wallet, its Sid Shattuck himself. Jackson’s plan is to throw up and get rid of the body*

Warlock: Hahahaha

*Some girl asks Holly what she wants with Amelia. Holly says Amelia is her sister and two guys are asking where she is, and she’s scared. Jackson makes fun of Holland for falling down the hill*

D: Hahahahaha

*Jackson “You were in the pool?” Holland “I had to question the mermaid.”

Warlock and D: Hahahhahahahahaha

*Jackson and Holland drop Sid’s body into a crowd*

D: Oops.

*The girl leads Holly to a limo. Inside Blueface locks the door*

Warlock: Oh shit.

*The Older Guy pops up and wrestles with Jackson. Innocent people get accidentally shot*

D: Hahahaha people getting shot left and right.

*Blueface pulls a gun and Holly stops him from shooting Amelia. Holly tells Amelia to run and Holland chases after them knocking people into the pool*

Warlock: Hahahahaha

*The valet tells Holland that Holly was in Blueface’s car. Holland takes off in a Pontiac Firebird*

D: Hell yeah!

*Jackson shoots Older Guy in the leg. Jackson beats the crap out of him and Older Guy and says to go away. He peeks over the balcony and sees Amelia and Holly running. Blueface gets out to shoot them as Holland drives up and into a guardrail*

Warlock: He missed.

*Blueface gets the drop on Holly and Amelia as Blueface is run over by a random guy driving a van. The guy sticks his head out, “Holy shit” and drives off*

D: Hahahahaha

*Holly tends to Blueface and holds his hand much to Amelia’s dismay. Jackson runs up and Holly says they need an ambulance. Jackson tells her to flag someone down. Blueface “You!” Jackson “Yeah me!” Blueface says he’s working for John Boy (Matt Bomer). He’s gonna kill Holland and Holly then come for Jackson. Jackson strangles him to death. Holly runs back and Jackson says he didn’t make it. Finally Holland pulls up in the Firebird*

Warlock: Little late.

*Holland hugs Holly close. The cops show up and detain Jackson and Holland. Tally (Yaya DeCosta) shows up and says her boss wants a word with them. Her boss is Judith Kussner (Kim Basinger). She says she’s with the department of justice. Holland “That tells us absolutely nothing.” She reveals she’s Amelia’s mother*

Warlock: Hahaha

*Judith wants to trust Jackson and Holland. Judith says the Vegas Mob is trying to spread into the LA scene and she’s trying to stop it. Holland asks why everyone involved in Amelia’s film is dying. Judith says Amelia doesn’t trust her because she thinks Judith is trying to kill her. Holland spots Tally playing with Holly and asks for he card*

Warlock: Hah.

*Holland reveals his real house burnt down. Jackson pulls the piece of paper he found in Sid’s office and says Amelia handed her the same thing.Holland asks why Jackson is “The Diner Guy.” Jackson says some asshole was pointing a gun and he took him down, while getting shot. Holland starts snoring*

Warlock: Just for a moment he felt useful.

*Jackson finds Holly reading alone in a park. Holly reveals this is where their house used to be. Jackson says Holland says they are rebuilding. Holly says he lied. She says their house burned down because there was a gas leak and Holland couldn’t smell it. Holly asks if he killed Blueface and he says no*

Warlock: You liar.

*Next day Holly drives Holland home. Jackson figures out Amelia is trying to leave town. Holland says to hold Judith up for more money and Jackson is pissed. Holly calls Holland the world’s worst detective. Holly calls him a fuck up and she hates him. Holland “That works.” Jackson “I’ll find her myself.” Holland then reveals he figured out Amelia is not on a flight but at Burbank Apartments because he figured out the date is reversed and FLT means flat, not flight*

Warlock: World’s worst detective huh?

*Jackson and Holland show up to Burbank Apartments and some guy says they’ve been torn down for two years. Holland “To the airport then”

Warlock: Hahahaha

*Holland and Jackson figure out Amelia is meeting someone at the Burbank Airport Hotel. The bartender tells them the guys up there are bad news. The bartender says another guy is looking for her named John. Jackson says he’s there to kill Amelia. Jackson and Holland says the smart move is to stay there…so they go upstairs*

Warlock: Hahahahaha

*Jackson and Holland take the elevator up. Holland says the guy with no balls is Munich. They get to the top and find a guy with his throat cit. Another guy gets shot to death, so Jackson and Holland retreat to the elevator. A guy gets thrown out the window*

D: Hahahahahaha

*Holland screams Amelia is dead and right on cue she jumps on the car. She then falls down. Holland and Jackson bring her to Holland’s house where Holly and Jessica are playing pong. Amelia comes to and says Judith sent the men to kill her. Amelia says the plan was to make a porno with Dean and Judith wants her dead. Amelia says Judith is getting paid off to get the Auto companies off. Jackson says to go to the police and Amelia says her mother IS the police. Amelia screams its not a porno and Holland says “You know I have neighbors.” Amelia says the nudity was the sell point but the plot was to expose Judith’s dirty deeds. Amelia says Judith had Dean, Sid and Misty killed. Jackson and Holland ask Holly what she thinks. Holland and Jackson says John Boy is after them. Tally calls Holland and says Judith just was asking for 100 grand. Holland says they have Amelia. Tally says she’ll send the family doctor to get Amelia. Tally says she wants Holland to carry the money for her. Holland and Jackson are on their way over and Jackson doesn’t know who to trust*

Warlock: Yeah really.

*Jackson tells a story of how Richard Nixon told a guy he was going to be okay just to say there are two ways to look at things. Tally hands the money to Holland and he says to call him later. Jackson tells Holland that the car can drive it self and to take his hands off the wheel. Holland says “I didn’t know it could do that.” Suddenly a giant bee in the back talks to them and Holland says “You fly around all day, how would you know?” Suddenly Jackson screams and Holland was sleeping the whole time. They crash and the briefcase explodes, there wasn’t any money isn’t there, it was newspaper. Meanwhile John Boy is allowed in the house by Holly thinking he’s the doctor. He asks Holly what Amelia was saying. Holly figures out its John Boy although Jessica tries to sabotage it by accident. Holly then pulls a gun and tells him to cuff himself. John Boy pulls a knife and says play nice and he’ll only kill Amelia. He then throws Jessica out the window as Holland and Jackson pull up. John Boy walks outside and gets a machine gun, opening fire on Holland and Jackson*

Warlock: Shootout!

*Holland grabs Jessica, finds Holly and Amelia and puts them in the closet. Holly points the gun at Holland who freaks “JESUS!”

Warlock: Hahahahhaa

*Amelia escapes out the window. as John Boy shoots up the house.Jackson dives inside. He asks Holland for his gun and Holland throws it over his head and out the window by accident*

Warlock: Hahahaha

*John Boy hears the cops coming so he gets in his car and drives off. Holly points out Amelia is gone. Meanwhile Amelia flags down John Boy and John Boy “Wow.” She runs up and John Boy shoots her dead*

Warlock: That was the easiest kill ever.

*Holland and Jackson are distraught as Amelia is lined in chalk*

D: Had her own daughter killed for christsakes.

*Holland and Jackson lament their losses and Holly says she needs a drink. They go back home and Holly says she hated the palm tree. Holland says they’ll stay in a hotel. Mrs Glenn then pulls up and asks Jackson why nobody believes her. Mrs Glenn says Misty was wearing a jacket and Jackson realizes he saw it in Sid’s office. Jackson asks Mrs Glenn to take her to Misty’s house.  Holland figures out that what Mrs Glenn saw was Amelia watching Misty on the projector. Holly finds a letter, opening night at 9 PM and it was written by Chet. Holly figures out the film is going to be shown at the LA auto show. Holland reveals to Mrs Glenn that Misty is dead and Holly says they’ll bring the killers down. Holland “at a deeply discounted rate”

D: Hahahaha

*Jackson, Holly and Holland hit up the auto show to find Chet. Tally shows up and pulls a gun on Jackson and Holland plays Mickey the Dunce. Tally reveals this started in Detroit when Misty was shooting her mouth off. Holland and Jackson argue as Holland starts going for Jackson’s ankle gun. Jackson asks what he’s doing. Holland asks if he dreamt that he had an ankle gun. Jackson “Yeah, you moron.” Holly walks in with a room service cart and throws coffee on Tally, its cold. Holland “I like where your head is at.” Tally then slips on a wet spot and knocks herself out*

Warlock and D: Hahahahaha

*John Boy finds Chet and tells him that a projector is broken somewhere. Jackson goes to find them. Jackson finds Chet beat up in the garbage. He asks where the film is. John Boy then radios The Older Guy that the film is in the projector who figures out Holly was listening in. The Older Guy has Holly hostage and a drunken Holland blows him off. The film then begins. The Older Guy asks why Holland brought Holly in, Holland says he fucked up.  Holland cries and tells Holly to duck. Holland was faking drunk, he pulls out a gun and shoots The Older Guy dead. Older Guy grabs Holland and they both tumble off the roof. Older Guy goes splat while Holland lands in the pool*

Warlock: Hahahaha

*Holland sees Richard Nixon in the pool pointing up and he swims out. John Boy opens fire on the projector as Jackson starts shooting. Tally wakes up and Holly rolls the film canister out the window and Tally knocks herself out again. Holland gets run over twice as he tackles the guy with the canister. Jackson fights with John Boy and John Boy’s grenade takes out a henchmen. Meanwhile Jackson goes to strangle John Boy to death but Holly threatens that she’ll never speak to Jackson again. Jackson let’s go as Holland has the film canister.  The cops show up and Holland’s voice over says “Sometimes you just win.”

Warlock: All I do is win.

*Outside court Holland and Jackson pretend not to notice Judith there. Holland speaks German and Jackson says he’s comparing her to Hitler. Judith said she was trying to protect her daughter, not kill her. Later, Jackson says Detroit’s Car Company gets off scott free. Holland “People are stupid.” Holland notices Jackson drinking and says nobody got hurt. Jackson says a lot of people died. Holland “They died quick.” Holland reveals they have a new agency “The Nice Guys.” Their first case is coming up. Jackson “Halleluja” End credits*

D: I hope there’s a sequel.

Thug D’s Assessment: I give it a 10 out of 10, its been a long time since I’ve seen a comedy THAT funny.

The Warlock: I give it a 9 out of 10. The ending was kind of weak but I laughed my balls off the whole movie.

Final Grade: 9.5 out of 10: Almost the best of all time.

*Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: That was fucking HILARIOUS. Definitely one of the funniest movies to come out in the last five years. I definitely recommend it, you must see it. That about wraps up another amazing adventure,  have a pleasant evening.

224. Convention Girl (1935)

Convention.jpg

*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a brown trench coat, black dress shirt, white tie, brown dress pants, black shoes and a fedora hat. He’s holding a glass bottle of pepsi*

Warlock: Welcome to my lair…welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock lowers his head and the lights dim before walking inside*

Warlock: Why am I dressed like a 1930’s gangster? Tonight’s movie was released in 1935 that cast a familiar face. Unfortunately, I will be doing this by myself.

*Camera pans to an empty lair*

Warlock: A cabaret singer is sought after by a rich business man and a seedy gambler. Someone has to win but who will it be? Let’s find out.

*Warlock takes his seat in the recliner*

Warlock: Time to fire up Convention Girl.

 

Directed by Luther Reed

Written by George Boyle and Max Lief

 

*Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “A cabaret hostess is brokenhearted because she loves a gambler who does not love her.”

Warlock: Awww…isn’t that too bad?

 

*Opening credits to upbeat song*

Warlock: Wonder if Cosmo Brown worked on this song.

 

*Opening credits have mini scenes from the movie to introduce the cast*

Warlock: They did this in Song of Kong too.

 

*Maid calls for Babe Lavell (Rose Hobart) who answers in the shower*

Warlock: Almost had nudity in a 1935 movie.

 

*Babe says “All sunshine and no sugar”

Warlock: Black coffee must have been different in 1935

 

*Some drunk calls for Babe. The maid calls him the big soup man from Philly*

Warlock: Soup to nuts, heh, Shemp was in that.

 

*Babe gets a call from Cupid Pettyjohn (James Spottswood)*

Warlock: This girl must be world famous.

 

*Cupid asks for her help for a party he’s organizing. She says she’ll get some girls for the party. She calls up Daisy (Nell O’Dell) and Daisy says Babe is a lifesaver. She’ll get the girls and be right over. Daisy’s girls insult the Electric Washer Convention goers. As soon as Daisy drops Babe’s name, they all get dressed*

Warlock: Is this a prostitution ring?

 

*Gracie (Sally O’Neil), Peg (Lucille Mendez) and Betty (Nancy Kelly) are introduced to Cupid. He and his friends make them drink before they eat. Next frame are the three girls passed out*

Warlock: Right in the middle of the great depression.

 

*Cupid said the brightside of the girls passed out is they won’t have to buy them dinner. They leave a note but its revealed the girls only pretended to be asleep. The girls ask what they’re going to do. Gracie gets on the phone and has room service charged to Cupid*

Warlock: Hahahhaa good one.

 

*Maid asks why Babe is worried. Tommy walks in and says he was working on a proposition. Babe says to stay away from Dan (Shemp Howard) and he says “Honest I’m not.”

Warlock: I don’t believe him.

 

*Babe is nearly run over on a boat by a guy in a carriage*

Warlock: Who uses a carriage on a boat???

 

*Beaux Art is the scene where Babe confronts Bill Bradley (Weldon Heyburn). Bill is glad to see her and they smoke together. Bill calls the guy in the carriage a mooch. Bill says he wants to go out with her and take her somewhere away. Helen Shalton (Ruth Gillette) sings Sand In My Shoes*

Warlock: I need sand in my ears to protect them from this. The singing is okay its just the 1930’s recording style makes my ears bleed.

 

*Bill and Babe watch the performance along with carriage dude*

Warlock: Lady’s actually quite pretty. Too bad she has sand in her shoes.

 

*Bill tells Babe he picked up a girl and he wants Babe to give her a job. He says he’ got her in the hotel that Babe stays at. Babe leaves as Carriage Dude watches her. Babe is sent to meet the girl. Its Daisy. Babe gives her a job. Meanwhile Louie the host tells Babe that Carriage Dude wants to talk to her. Some dude wants to talk to Babe but Babe hooks him up with a girl named Miranda*

Warlock: What kind of club IS this?

 

*Bill gets up and leaves to go to a gambling joint. When he gets there, Dan is with Tommy. Bill tells Dan to stay away from Tommy. Dan tells him he can buy and sell him if he wants and leaves. Bill tells Tommy to stay away from “that rat.”

Warlock: Shemp is the heel? Say it aint so.

 

*Bill tells Tommy to get a real job and pay more attention to Babe. Meanwhile Babe is with Carriage Dude. His name is Ward Hollister (Herbert Rawlinson) and he’s Jim Cunningham’s boss. He blames Babe for Jim getting drunk and wants Babe to get him straight. She agrees to it but wants the money straight up. He pays her and she walks away. She goes to Tommy and tells him to cash it for her. Tommy goes to Bill and says to cash it. Bill says to go tell her he hasn’t got it. Tommy says to do it and she wants to see the both of them right away. Tommy leaves first and Dan confronts him. Dan takes the check and says HE’LL cash it, hands Tommy 5 bucks and leaves*

Warlock: Ohhhhh shit.

 

*Bill reports to Babe that he’s having Tommy getting the money for him. Bill flim flams Ward about having a job. Then Babe says she needs two of Bill’s thugs for a job. Meanwhile Tommy walks in with the money and hands it to Babe before leaving. Babe goes to leave with Ward*

Warlock: Wait, she’s got the money?

 

*The Isham Jones Orchestra (themselves) plays a tune. Babe tells Daisy to take the girls to Bill’s place that night*

Warlock: The two song numbers take up about 6 minutes of the run time, so the movie’s only an hour long.

 

*Daisy, Gracie, Betty and Cupid are told to hit up Bill Bradley’s. Meanwhile Ward and Babe go to meet Jim Cunningham. Meanwhile Cupid and his cronies get back to the hotel and see the room service. His wife (Laliva Browne) called him many times too*

Warlock: He’s got some explaining to do.

 

*Babe and Ward leave Jim’s penthouse and takes the carriage back to the Manhattan Hotel. Babe and Ward talk back at the hotel. Babe says Ward isn’t as bad as he seems. Ward invites her to a chair ride at 4 PM tomorrow and leaves*

Warlock: Wonderful, now what?

 

*Babe is with Bill at the beach the next day. Bill is jealous of Babe being with all these guys and he wants her. She says he has no idea what real love is and he doesn’t. They go frolic in the water anyway. Meanwhile Daisy, Gracie and Betty are taken to the zoo by Cupid and his guys*

Warlock: Wonderful, what’s this got to do with anything?

 

*Mrs Pettyjohn arrives at the hotel looking for Cupid and she’s mad. Meanwhile a circus is shown*

Warlock: What the hell is going on?

 

*Mrs Pettyjohn barges past Daisy and says she’s looking for Cupid. Daisy sits in front of Cupid and passively tells them all she’s here, upsetting Cupid. He wants to leave but Betty says no, she wants to see the diving horses. Sure enough a horse dives into a pool 30 feet below. Daisy spots Mrs. Pettyjohn and Cupid runs for it with the girls in tow. She chases them out of the arena*

Warlock: Hahahahaha

 

*At 4 PM, Ward is with Babe. Bill walks in and is surprised to see Ward. Ward invites him to the chair ride and Bill says he hasn’t been in one in a while. Ward asks why he’s not coming and Bill says he doesn’t want to. Babe coerces him into it*

Warlock: Never turn down a good thing dude. We got 33 minutes left.

 

*Bill says he wants to go faster and Ward says he wants to spend some money. Bill says “Ohhhhh, okay.” Bill takes Ward and Babe to one of his dives. Bill warms up to Ward and Babe and wants to know when the next ride is. Babe then leaves and Bill apologizes for being sore. He didn’t want her to fall for him and then to leave. Ward asks Bill if he loves her, he says that doesn’t matter. Babe’s too square to get mixed up with a gambler*

Warlock: Lot of that going on in the 30’s/

 

*Bill says Ward’s the first guy he hasn’t run off yet. They drink together. Next frame is Dan and Tommy and Tommy is worried what Babe will think. Dan tells him to shut up and get to the cafe to not arouse suspicion. Back at the cafe, Tommy tells Babe everything is alright when an absolutely shattered Daisy stumbles in. Babe tells Tommy to take her back to the hotel. Babe is lonely and she asks Helen to stay with her*

Warlock: This is moving too quick but its expected since its only 67 minutes long.

 

*Helen asks what Babe’s problem is. Helen asks how she feels about Ward. Babe says she’s never felt this way before. Helen says Babe rushed into it with Ward and Babe tells her to go to bed*

Warlock: This is 1935 so no girl on girl hanky panky here.

 

*Bill confronts Tommy and Daisy. He strong arms them into Babe’s apartment. He says Tommy was gonna go on the run with her. Apparently Tommy is Babe’s nephew. She asks if it was true and Daisy says that they love each other especially after last night. Bill throws them out and Ward teams with Bill to make Babe feel better. The three of them will hang out around 7*

Warlock: This is a bizarre love triangle.

 

*Ward gets a call from Bill saying he won’t be able to make it and to go along without him. Ward tells Babe that Bill won’t make it and Babe laughs that he was scared of the elaborate dinner. Meanwhile Tommy wants his cut from Dan. Dan says they’re going to see Ward. They barge in on Ward on Babe. Ward asks what they want. Dan tries to blackmail Ward for an extra 5 grand by pulling out the check he signed and says they’ll squeal to his wife. Ward laughs and says that they played a joke on the wrong guy, his brother is the married one. Dan tries to strong arm him and Ward tells him to buzz off. Dan tries to spin it that Babe is the mastermind behind it. Ward goes with it and says he’ll be back with 5 grand. Dan tells him “no monkey business.” Ward picks up the phone and calls Bill and asks for 5 grand until the morning. Bill says it’ll be over shortly. Meanwhile Ward tells them to stay put outside. A messenger soon arrives and hands the 5 grand to Ward. Ward hands it to Dan and tells them to go as far away as the money will take you. He walks back to Babe. Dan hightails it out of there*

Warlock: Run Shemp run!

 

*Bill tells the bartender he didn’t want to take the money there himself….but he thinks he will now*

Warlock: Will he make it in time?

 

*Ward confronts Babe about the check and goes to force himself on her when Bill runs in. Ward says he paid 5 grand for Babe so he may as well enjoy it. Bill asks what he means. Ward pulls out the check and says Babe was blackmailing him and he gave 5 grand to Tommy.  Babe says she had nothing to do with it and Ward starts to believe her. Bill gets on the phone and figures out Dan is behind it. He tells Charlie the bartender to get some of his men and to round up Dan and Tommy, then bring them to Ward’s. Bill tells Ward to wait right there*

Warlock: No no no, he’s paddling away.

 

*Back at Dan’s apartment, Tommy asks for his cut, Dan tells him he lied. Tommy says he won’t get away and Dan pulls a gun on him. Tommy yells at him for his money and Dan shoots him*

Warlock: Oh isn’t that wonderful.

 

*Bill gets the call that Tommy has been shot. They all go to the hospital. Tommy confesses that Dan was behind it all and apologizes to Babe. Ward and Bill pull her away. Ward asks for forgiveness and Babe says there is nothing to apologize for. Ward walks away and Babe tells Bill to go home. She sits with Tommy alone. Later on back at the gambling club Ward and Bill talk one on one. Ward wants to give Bill a job with his Detroit territory. Bill takes it*

Warlock: Nice, he’s gone legit….what about Shemp?

 

*Bill and Babe get married and Babe dumps the sand from her shoe, the end*

Warlock: That’s…..it?

 

The Warlock’s Assessment: Normally I’d give this a 2 but you have to keep in mind it was 1935. A lot of things that could spice it up years later weren’t available at the time. Still, it was a story of lies, deceit and chicanery. Normally that’s a good thing but the lack of comeuppance on Shemp’s character bugged me. He got 5 grand and got away clean, that sucks. He should have eat least ate a right cross to the jaw by someone. Oh well, given the time frame, I’ll give it a 4 out of 10. Definitely not recommended unless you’re a die hard 3 Stooges fan.

Final Grade: 4 out of 10: Bad

 

*Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: Well that sucked. Shemp as the heel that got away with it at the end kind of bugged me, the story was rushed and some of the characters had zero development. Still, it was only an hour long movie so they had to work with what they had. Still, it was interesting to see Shemp in the gangster role. Would have loved to have seen Moe come out from behind a couch with Larry in tow when Shemp pulled the gun, grab Shemp by the ear, say “Oh, bushwhacking eh? *slaps Shemp* what’s the matter with you? You pebblebrain, c’mere!” and drag him away. That about wraps up another craptastic adventure, have a pleasant evening.