*Lacy Lou is on the set of her television show Indy Horror Rising. She’s wearing a black tank top with black leggings with a pink stripe going down each legs. She sits on the couch with an empty chair next to her*
Lacy: Our next guest is a bit of an enigma. Usually on the show we have independent horror movie stars, directors and writers but this is the very first time we have someone…different. Ladies and gentleman will you give it up for the architect and the originator of Warlock’s Movie Realm…..The Warlock!
*Something Wicked This Way Comes by Nuclear Assault plays as an entrance song as The Warlock walks out. He’s wearing a black leather jacket, black t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He waves to the crowd, hugs Lacy and kisses her cheek before he sits*
Warlock: Thank you Lacy, glad to be here.
Lacy: Now we all remember your guest appearance on Jenifer Livingston’s show where you talked about how the Realm started, but I want to go deeper than that if you don’t mind.
Warlock: How deep are we talking?
Lacy: Like where did this obsession with covering movies come from. When did it start?
Warlock: I wouldn’t call it an obsession, after all you review a lot of horror movies, I just do mine in my own way.
Lacy: That is true I guess. You’ve had quite the past couple years I’ve heard.
Warlock: Let’s see, nearly killed by the Demonic Toys, traveled down Hell’s Highway, entered Bong World, encounterd Ooga Booga, watched all 7 Rocky movies and had not one but two Christmas freakouts, how’s that for past couple of years?
Lacy: Well I’m here to ask where it started.
Warlock: Where what started exactly?
Lacy: Your pension, shall we say, for covering movies. You’ve been a conniseur of B movies trying to find hidden gems for years but where did that start?
Warlock: I think I know what you’re asking and I’ll answer that in two parts. I’ll tell you when it ALL began and what got me into B movies. First I’ll start with B movies if you’d like.
Lacy: Yes, recently we all heard about Driller Killer, which I could have told you was terrible.
Warlock: Yes, that movie raked the eyes of anyone that ever watched it. Why it has a 5 out of 10 score on IMDB.com is a miscarriage of justice.
Lacy: I guess I should ask what the first horror movie you ever watched was.
Warlock: Aliens….you know that.
Lacy: When you were 3 right?
Warlock: Yeah, but that’s not a B movie like Driller Killer.
Lacy: I guess I should be asking what was your first B movie was.
Warlock: Now that’s more like it. I used to go to Blockbuster a lot when I was a kid. Usually I’d rent video games, wrestling tapes, sporting events, episodes of Star Trek and good movies. Well one time when I was 15 I was leafing through the horror movies when I saw one that caught my eye, one I had never heard of.
*Lacy leans forward in her chair*
Lacy: Which was? Tell me!
*Warlock leans forward as well*
Warlock: The Coroner.
*Lacy sits back confused*
Lacy: The Coroner? What’s that?
*Warlock sits back down*
Lacy: No seriously, what’s The Coroner?
Warlock: Let me tell you allllllll about it. It started after I decided to rent it when I was 15, I actually asked my dad to watch it with me, girl let me tell ya that was a mistake.
*We flash back to 2001. 15 year old Warlock is wearing an ECW t-shirt and blue jean shorts*
Warlock: Here, watch this with me?
The Grand Wizard: Oh I don’t know, this doesn’t look too promising.
Written by Geralyn Ruane
Directed by Juan Mas and Alan Smithee
Emma (Jane Longenecker)
Dr. Leon Uraski (Dean St. Louis)
George (David Aimerito)
Manlan (Bob McFarland)
Nadine (Christine Burke)
Aida (Rebecca Gray)
Holly (Stacey Leigh Mobley)
Alan (Bryn Pryor)
Detective Stryker (Robert J Pouliot)
Filesman (Eric Gerleman)
Stripper (Joyce Westrgaard)
Stripper 2 (Stella Farentino)
*Warlock reads the tag-line*
Wa: “Pray you’re already dead before you meet the coroner”
Wizard: Sounds stupid to me.
*Movie opens in a titty bar with no credits*
Warlock and Wizard: WOAH!
*Dr. Leon Uraski spots his first victim*
Wizard: Looking good, getting better.
Wizard: No not him!
*Bill thanks Holly for a good night and she walks to her car. Leon is there in disguise lighting a cigar*
Warlock: Up to no good.
*Leon grabs Holly and she screams*
Wizard: Nobody heard that??
Warlock: That looks scribbled on MS Paint.
Wizard: How long is this?
Warlock: 75 minutes.
Wizard: We’re already 4 minutes into it.
*Leon watches his victim on a monitor with a montage of blood and newspaper clippings*
Wizard: This looks terrible production wise.
*Some woman in a straight jacket has flashbacks of people murdered*
Warlock: Are they going to explain any of this?
*Emma asks Aida if she’s doing anything that weekend. Aida says she’s going to the zoo. Somebody snaps pictures of her. Meanwhile Emma finds her prostitute friend Nadine crying in front of her car*
Wizard: Who’s that?
*Emma asks if Nadina ever has sex just for fun*
Warlock: I’m down for girl on girl.
Wizard: I agree that would make this lousy movie better.
*Nadine asks if Emma ever had sex for money, Emma says its too risky. Emma says to Nadine if anyone hurts her she’ll kill them. DA Filesman walks up to her and taunts her for using a death threat*
Warlock: And this guy is?
Wizard: The DA I guess.
*Filesman says he doesn’t take kindly to her attacks on his character in court. Emma says he’s a cocksucker and he says she’s going to make a very powerful enemy out of him. Emma says if he won’t get out of the way she’ll run him over*
Wizard: Another death threat, she’s on a roll.
*Filesman says she put a dog on the wintness stand. Emma says “At least the dog didn’t lie”
*Filesman says he’s gonna have her disbarred and she elbows him in the gut and slams the door on his head*
Wizard: Oh I like that.
*Stryker eats a hotdog and a new guy takes one look at her and pukes*
Warlock: Ugh, did we have to see that?
*Nadine prances around outside the nudie bar and lights a cigarette. Leon drives by and we get a montage of him murdering her in 3 seconds*
Warlock: At least they’re not wasting any time with details.
*Man has sex with Emma*
Warlock: Is this a movie or a porno?
Wizard: At this point I can’t tell.
*Emma is dressed in workout clothes, her boyfriend is in suit and tie. He kisses her goodbye*
Warlock: Do we get a name?
*Emma reads of Nadine’s death in the newspaper*
Warlock: Somebody is gonna die.
*Emma hits up the library to do research on the killer’s pattern*
Wizard: Smart girl.
*Emma looks at the date each victim was killed and figures out a pattern*
Warlock: This is gonna be a very short movie at this rate.
*Emma is stopped by Aida and Emma says shes not into it today, she’ll see her tomorrow*
Warlock: Can you simply leave work if you’re not feeling it?
*Emma goes for a night run with Leon watching her*
Warlock: She does look great in those clothes.
*Leon hits her with a tranquilizer dart and carries her away*
Wizard: Right out of Raiders of The Lost Ark.
*Leon walks in on her dressed as a catholic school girl while he’s naked except for a world’s greatest chef’s apron*
Warlock: I didn’t need to see his pasty white ass.
*Leon films her with a normal camcorder. She asks what he wants and he stones her. She says he doesn’t know shit about her and Leon says he does. He looks over his tape collection and says the others said the same. He says he’ll be back and leaves*
*Emma bites into her own wrist to draw blood*
Warlock: Why the hell did she do that?
Wizard: Wolves chew at their wounds when trapped to free themselves.
*Emma slides her wrist out of the strap and frees herself*
Wizard: Ahhhh, she used the blood to slide herself free, I give credit, she’s smart.
*Leon runs downstairs dressed in full Washington Redskins uniform, she stabs him in the back*
Warlock: That’s not Joe Theisman.
*Emma runs upstairs and gets lost. Leon calls out for her*
Warlock: She stabbed him in the pad, he’s okay.
*Leon continues to call out “Emmmaaaaa”
Warlock: Alright we get it.
*Leon bashes her over the head with a piece of wood*
Warlock: Oh, that’s gonna hurt.
*Leon cuts her left ring finger off. He patches her up before cutting up her back. She asks what he wants*
Warlock: He’s a goddamned serial killer, what’s he gonna say?
*Leon points out a failed suicide attempt when she was 14 and he says she must be punished for failing. She starts laughing in his face. She says in the lab he’s a god but outside he’s just another crazy fuck. Leon says not only is she gonna die she’s gonna die slowly before snapping her wrist*
Wizard: That’s gonna hurt.
*Emma plays dead as he sharpens a knife. He frees her and carries her to a bed, she headbutts him, knees him in the nuts and the head. She grabs a knife and cuts his arm. He charges but she throws him against the wall and knees him in the back. She slams his head against the wall and runs, he follows close behind*
Warlock: How did he get up so easily?
*Emma bites Leon then runs through an open door and up stairs. She runs outside a house and gets hit by a car. The driver tends to her as Leon runs outside. He then slowly goes back inside*
Warlock: Won’t be long to implicate him now.
*Emma dreams of the attack while she’s in the hospital. She wakes up cuffed to a hospital bed. The nurse says she needs to rest now. Emma passes out*
Warlock: She didn’t look like she needed a rest.
*Emma is bandaged up and visited by Aida. Detective Manlan and Stryker walk in. Emma tells them what Leon did but doesn’t know his name. She says she can find the house she ran out of. She goes back to the crime scene and finds the house. She goes to knock on the door but Stryker asks what they’re doing there. Manlan asks if she knows who’s house this is. She says its HIS house. Both detectives look miffed*
Warlock: Wouldn’t they be chomping at the bit to arrest this guy or at least buy her story enough to investigate?
*The detectives knock on the door, Leon comes out and says hello to them by their names. Manlan says he knew this was a mistake. Leon plays dumb and asks why they’re there and invites them in. Emma keeps insisting he’s a murderer but he pretends not to know what she’s talking about. Manlan says this is Dr. Leon Uraski, the chief medical examiner for the city. Emma says “You’re a coroner?” Stryker says he’s THE coroner*
Wizard: Now do you get it?
Wizard: The CME is involved in every homicide or natural death in town, the detectives have probably worked with him hundreds of times. That’s why they think she’s full of baloney.
*The detectives are on Leon’s side and say they have to leave but Emma makes a run for the basement. She can’t find the door in the food shelves and Leon says the door to the basement is on the other side of the room. Leon opens it and there’s a rinky dink basement and Manlan asks if he kept her there. She says no, its not right*
Wizard: They’re never gonna believe her.
*Emma says look for the tapes of his victims and Stryker says they need a warrant, Emma says to get one. Emma admits the injuries on Leon are from her but Leon says they’re from a car accident. The detectives believe him. She says she stabbed him in the back and he takes his shirt off, nothing is there. She then says he was wearing football pads, finally the detectives stop believing her. Emma says to get the blueprints of the house and you’ll find another cellar. All of a sudden a kid runs downstairs. Stryker says he didn’t know Leon had a son. Leon introduces Bobby*
Warlock: Oh this just got better.
*Leon says Bobby has been with his grandmother except for the past two weeks. Emma asks where the mom is and Bobby says she’s dead. Emma says that’s not surprising and Stryker says they need to leave. Emma says she’s going to file an official report. Manlan shakes hands with Leon and says theyre sorry for troubling him. They leave and Leon tells Bobby its ok*
Wizard: Good luck proving any of this.
*Emma meets with Filesman and tries to reason that Leon sees himself as a demigod trying to take back suicide survivors. Emma says to check out the pattern and Filesman doesn’t believe her. Emma says he does the autopsies so he can’t get caught. Filesman says he’ll look into it and if he so much as loses a parking space, he’s gonna have her disbarred. Emma says if he doesn’t put him away she’s already dead*
Warlock: Halfway there, movie’s halfway over.
Wizard: Thank god.
*Emma hears the doorbell while sleeping and answers the door, Leon says “Hi Emma” and grabs her*
W: Who’s bed is in the living room???
*Emma beats the shit out of him and shoots him twice, then she wakes up*
Warlock: That would have been too easy.
*Emma hears the doorbell for real and grabs a gun. She opens it and its Aida. Aida says “peephole!” Emma says you can shot through one. Aida “What’s wrong with “who’s there?”. Aida asks about Leon but she’s distraught. Emma says she has to get him before he gets her. Aida says he has to stay quiet because they’re on him. She asks Aida if she’s losing it and Aida doesn’t answer*
Warlock: The nerd makes the most sense.
*Really bad band plays at a bar. Leon is there with Alan the strip club owner*
Warlock: This music sucks.
Wizard: This movie sucks.
*Alan says Leon needs a night out after “that Santiago bitch” accused him. Leon looks at the band in horror and walks away*
Warlock: For once we agree on something.
*Woman in red dress macks on a guy in a room Leon is hiding in*
Warlock: Really? We’re gonna go off the script for this shit?
*Woman in red does a seductive dance*
Wizard: You’re gonna complain?
Warlock: Not that much…..
*Woman in dress strips and dances for this guy*
Warlock: How many strippers did the movie director hire for this movie?
Wizard: Not enough.
*Man and woman have sex with each other when Leon notices the woman has a suicide attempt scar*
Wizard: He’s triggered.
*Woman says he loves the man. He throws her off and says he doesn’t care about her. He says love has nothing to do with this and not to come in tomorrow. Leon makes his move*
Warlock: Can he do us a favor and kill him too?
*Leon puts a coat around woman and hugs her close. Emma calls Aida and Aida says she can’t help her anymore. Aida says she needs to give it up but if she won’t, she needs to be careful. Emma thanks her and hangs up*
Warlock: On her own now.
*Emma is dressed as a cat burglar*
Wizard: Now what the hell is she doing?
*Emma rigs up a timebomb to the outside vent*
Warlock: Where the hell did she get that????
Wizard: How did she make that?
*The bomb blows but Emma is already inside*
Warlock: What was the point of that?
*Emma walks into Bobby’s room. Leon walks up behind and says he guesses their gonna add breaking and entering. Emma kicks him in the mouth and bloodies him, he smiles and thanks her before tearing apart Bobby’s room himself*
Warlock: What’s he doing?
Wizard: Preparing his alibi, he can claim she did all that. The cops are on his side.
*Emma points a gun at Leon and says chill out. She says they’re gonna look at the hole she blew in his basement. She looks over and there’s barely a dent in the concrete where she set the c4. She bends down to look at it and Leon knocks her out with a nearby rock and says “Not much of a hole Emma”
Wizard: She couldn’t even get that right.
*Emma wakes up with Leon in her face. She says he’ll never hurt her again. He says he’s already called the cops. Stryker shows up and Leon says she blew a hole, tried to kill him and his son. Emma gets arrested. She is brought before a happy Filesman who says her days as a lawyer are done. He brings in Leon, Stryker and Manlan. They’re all against her and bring up every bad thing she’s ever done to say she needs psychiatric help*
Warlock: They even have me convinced she’s full of baloney and I know she’s not.
*Filesman “You are one sick puppy and you need help. You don’t have a prayer.” Emma refuses to give in. Montage of her drinking and going over files*
Warlock: What, they let her out of jail?
Wizard: Well they did somewhat explain that her sentence is pending.
*Emma rings Leon’s bell disguised as a mover, tazes him and loads him into a truck*
Warlock: Where did she get the digs?
Wizard: I can’t follow this shitty storyline.
*Emma drives with Leon in the truck to an undisclosed location. Leon wakes up handcuffed. Emma is now doing the seral stalking. Emma “I’m going to kill you.” Leon “You don’t have the guts” Emma “Do you know what kendo is?”
Warlock: This is gonna be fun.
*Emma “The way of the sword. This is also a bomb shelter, so scream as loud as you want.” Leon “Emma, its not working.” She cuts his achillies*
Warlock and Wizard: Ohhhhhh.
*Emma says that’s the difference between them, she gives no illusions. Emma says he took her life away from her and she’s got nothing to lose. She walks upstairs and leaves him there. The next morning he has bags under his eyes and she uses a nailgun on him. He screams “fucking bitch!” She pulls one of the nails out of his shoulder*
*Emma is training with boxing gloves when her boyfriend George walks in. She asks him to leave but Leon starts calling out for her. Leon realizes he’s in Emma’s basement. George freaks that she brought him there. George runs downstairs and sees him hanging. Leon pretends to be a victim and George goes to cut him down, Emma stopping. Leon cries out that Emma left George for him and she’s been stalking him for years. Leon says she’s sick and needs help. Leon says if he dies, its murder. George tries to talk Emma down, kisses her and hugs he close. George then cuffs her to the bannister. George says he swears he’s doing it for her. He uncuffs Leon and sets him free, Leon immediately pounces on George and rams his head against the wall before stranging him*
Wizard: Wow, what an idiot.
*Leon limps after Emma and she imaples him with a harpoon. Leon says that won’ stop him. Emma says he’s full of shit and grabs her sword. She cuts his throat with one swipe and he bleeds out*
Warlock: That should have killed him.
*Emma punches the bannister out and she tends to George. George wakes up and she carries him past the fallen Leon. She leads him to the stairs as Leon lays there*
Wizard: Don’t tell me he gets up.
*Emma douses Leon with gasoline*
Warlock: She’s not gonna mess around.
*Emma lights a match and throws it before carrying George up the stairs. Meanwhile we see Emma in a straightjacket*
Warlock: What, she just imagined the whole thing?
Wizard: Alright I’ve had enough.
Wizard: That was awful.
*There was no assessment. We cut back to Lacy Lou’s studio where she looks stunned while Warlock looks straight ahead in a trance like state*
Warlock: That was my first taste of B movies and how awful they could be.
Lacy: That’s incredible, no wonder you were scarred.
Warlock: You know what the sad thing is?
Warlock: I have seen hundreds upon hundreds of movies since I saw The Coroner that its no longer the worst movie I’ve ever seen. So many others have come along that’s worse than that so it moved up the ladder without doing anything.
Lacy: That’s how it goes sometimes. Now you said this was going to be a two part answer right?
Warlock: Yes, you asked me how this ALL began. It began when I was 4 years old and….
Lacy: Ohhhhh wait a minute, we’re due for a commercial. Hold that thought Warlock, we’ll be right back after this message.
*TO BE CONTINUED*