*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black leather jacket, AMERICAN NINJA t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a red thermos of Dr. Pepper*
Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.
*Warlock does nothing but walk inside*
Warlock: Tonight is a special IT CAME FROM SEVEN-ELEVEN. Tonight’s movie stars former WWE Women’s Champion Trish Stratus. Yes of course I’m serious. I have no idea what this movie is really about but we’re about to find out. Its called Bounty Hunters and it came out in 2011. That’s all I know about it.
*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*
Warlock: So let’s start Bounty Hunters.
Directed by Patrick McBrearty
Written by Reese Eveneshen
*Warlock reads the tag-line*
Warlock: “A hundred thousand dollar bounty or a million dollar execution?”
Warlock: The hell kind of a tag-line is that?
*Movie begins with elevator music and the opening credits*
Warlock: Oh this is not off to a good start.
*Jules (Trish Stratus) does a voice over as she has a gun pointed at her head. She’s wearing a school girl uniform*
Warlock: Good visual though.
*Chase (Boomer Phillips) is her partner who is unconcious on the ground. Ridley (Frank J Zupancic) is her boss. He’s trying to talk Mob Bosss out of killing Jul. Mario (Enrico DiFede) wants the money, he’ll let Mob Boss and Ridley shoot each other for all he cares after. We get a graphic that says “10 hours earlier”
Warlock: Oh great a flashback.
*Chase and Jules work out. Jules is a pro while Chase sucks*
Warlock: He’s making me sick.
*Jules walks up to Matt Plant (Marc-Andre Boulanger) and says he’s under arrest for jumping bail*
Warlock: The guy is built like Batista, you sure you want to try that?
*Matt says that’s funny. He says no and Chase says he’s with her. They’re going to take him in. Ridley distracts the counter girl (Paige Albrecht) as Matt drops a weight barbell on Chase’s foot. Chase hops around*
Warlock: How did you not see that coming?
*Jules jumps on Matt’s back and twirls around. She then does a tiltawhirl into a chokehold. Mat breaks free and she swings on the free weight to execute a frankensteiner on him*
Warlock: Is she gonna use the bulldog next?
*Jules uses the cartwheel kick to knock Matt down. He grabs her by the throat and goes to powerbomb but she head scissors him down. She locks in a head scissors on the ground to render him weak and Chase finish him off with a barbell to the head. Jules says thanks for the help*
Warlock: She should have covered him for the 3 count with Ridley as the referee.
*Chase and Jules hand the paperwork into Ridley. He says their next mission is to find Peter Wallace (Rodrigo Fernandez-Stoll). He’s at his girlfriends house and Jules says she’s busy that night working. Chase says let her go, he’ll collect on his own. Ridley says that’s not how they do things there. Later on Jules bangs on the door and says to open up. Chase says just once he’d like to see someone actually open the door peacefully. Jules says that’s not going to happen. She kicks the door in*
Warlock: Doesn’t she need a warrant?
*Peter’s girlfriend jumps on Chase’s back and he subdues her. Ridley runs in as Peter starts shooting at them. Chase asks what he’s packing and the girl says “A nine inch dick you faggot.”
Warlock: Nice dialogue.
*Peter shouts to let Mimi (Shealyn Angus) to go and Chase says there’s 3 of them with guns and one of him, guess how this turns out*
Warlock: Well he could pull out a bazooka, you never know.
*Mimi says its a BBgun and Jules says to surrender or she’ll hurt him. He calls her a fucking bitch and Ridley says “Oh no.” Jules grabs a trash can lid, deflects the BB’s and beats the crap out of him. Jules cuffs him and Ridley says he can find a new girlfriend in jail. Peter “Fuck you ya piece of shit.”
Warlock: Some salty language tonight.
*Chase and Ridley with Peter in the back of the van drop Jules off at her real job, a strip joint. Peter is excited and Chase wants to go in with her but Ridley says no*
Warlock: Cock block.
*Jules says she’s a bartender and not a drug dealer. Chase wants to go for drinks, the round is on him. Ridley says no and to drive off. Jules starts taking her clothes off in the changing room. She only gets to her underwear before she puts on a school girl outfit*
Warlock: Every teenager back in Trish’s prime just went “Yayyyy…awwwwwwww” Including me.
*Peter says he’s really sorry about the BBgun thing. He wants to be let go as Ridley and Chase totally ignore him. Chase wants Ridley to check his lotto numbers and Chase stops short so Peter hits his head on the cage. Chase’s lottto tickets are worthless. Ridley asks what he could possibly have that they’d want. Peter says he knows a 100 grand bounty named Mario that they can collect. Chase wants to look it up. Ridley says it checks out, Peter is right. Ridley says if Peter can give him intel, he won’t go to jail. He tells them he knows a girl that works at a strip joint where Mario hangs at. There’s a tattoo on his left forearm. Ridley knows because its on the intel. Chase says its a shitload of money and Ridley says the force finds out, they’re fucked. Peter swears this is no trick. Chase wants to go after it. Ridley says not without Jules. Chase says that’s fine*
Warlock: And there’s your plot.
*Ridley walks into the strip joint. One guy gropes Jules and she punches him out with her right hand. A guy takes a swing at her and she hiptosses him into a table. She headbutts the third guy and throws him as wqell, all without spilling the bar tray*
Warlock: That was impressive.
*Ridley tells Jules to come with him. In the car Chase is jealous that Jules and Ridley are an item. Chase says Peter is not going anywhere as Mercedes gets naked on a pole*
Warlock: This is no longer the worst movie of all time.
*Ridley tells Jules about the mission. Ridley and Chase want the 100 grand. Jules “We’re supposed to believe this fuck face?” Chase says Ridley won’t do it unless all 3 of them will do it. Jules wants to do it by the book but Ridley says they’d be 33 grand richer and she’d have money for Sofia*
Warlock: Who the hell is Sofia?
*Chase says he’s been there before. Jules loads her gun with blanks. Chase and Ridley explains the noise usually scares off innocent bystanders. Chase has a real one in case things get messy. They enter The Lounge Massage Parlor. Chase bullshits the receptionist as Jules makes him look silly. Jules tells Chase to stop thinking of threesomes with her*
Warlock: Every teenager’s dream in 2001.
*Chase and Jules find the manager’s office. Mario has been crashing there recently. He walks out of the bathroom and Jules identifies him. Mario mentions Hal (Joseph Rafla) must have sent them. Jules and Chase chase Mario and Jules kicks his ass while an asian guy beats the crap out of Chase. The receptionist clocks Jules with a stick. Chase calls timeout and calls the guy a dick. He tackles the guy as Mario says he’s gonna hit Jules with the punch that made him famous. Ridley out of nowhere points a gun at his head and says if he lands the punch, his brains will be splattered. Outside the trip lets Peter go. The receptionist places a phone call as they all leave. She calls Hal*
Warlock: The mob boss.
*In the van, Jules says she’ll take her cut to go on vacation with her daughter. Mario threatens them by saying they don’t know what they’re dealing with. Hal then calls Ridley and identifies himself. He shouts for Mario and Mario says he’s there. Hal says he’s gonna rip Mario’s tongue out and he’ll pay them a million dollars to deliver him in exchange for him. Ridley says no deal much to Chase’s dismay. Ridley hangs up on him and Chase says to go for the million. Chase pulls over and Ridley says he needs to think. Ridley says Hal will kill him. Chase says Mario is dirty anyway so who cares. Ridley and Jules say they can;t have a million dollars at the cost of someone’s life. Jules says she doesn’t want anyone to get hurt. Chase is indignant as Ridley says they have to do what’s right. Chase wants the money and Jules brings up the application. Chase pulls out a letter saying he got rejected for a medical condition*
Warlock: Heh, he got wished well on his future endeavors. Wonder where they got that line from? Maybe Jules knows….
*Chase rants and goes back to the van. Meanwhile Hal asks a crooked cop (Craig Cyr) for intel on the trio. Chase has been trying to get on the force for years but had a hockey accident. Jules can kick serious ass. Ridley is a neighborhood hero and a hero to the kids. He was engaged to his college sweetheart when a punk shot up a convienience store, killing the woman. He had jumped bail a week earlier. Ridley became a bounty hunter to prevent that in the future*
Warlock: So he gave absolutely no background on Jules but the life story of Ridley and Chase. The hell was that about?
*Ridley calls Hal and asks when and where. Hal says he made a wise decision and hangs up. He then goes to Peter who’s all tied up*
Warlock: Well this should be good.
*Hal says Peter was stupid enough to jump bail and then on top of it, he ratted out Mario. Hal says he’s gotta pay a million dollars to get Mario back or else Mario will rat Hal out to save his own ass. Hal rambles on and on before grabbing a golf club. He goes to cave Paul’s head in but we don’t get to see it. Mario notices a car pulling up and says “He sent Francis (Christian Bako)!”
Warlock: But everyone calls him psycho!
*Francis exits his car with a gun. He says put him in the trunk and he’ll give the money. Jules pulls a gun on Francis and Mario elbows Chase before running for it. Francis shuts the trunk and drives after him, Jules is knocked goofy. Chase tags Francis in the arm as Ridley tends to Jules. Ridley carries Jules to the hospital and Ridley tells the nurse to call him when they have an update on her condition*
Warlock: Wouldn’t be much of a movie if she died.
*Francis walks into the bathroom where a homeless man (Craig Porritt) tells him to fuck off. Francis calls Hal and says the deal went bad, Mario got away. Mario sayshe’s got the money and put Jules in the hospital. Hal says he doesn’t care about the money, he wants Mario dead. Francis pulls the bullet out of his arm with his bare hands as the bum rats him out to Hal. Francis pulls a gun out and shoots the bum in the head. Francis says he got shot and is patching himself up. He tells Hal to send the intel on the bounty hunters to his phone so he can take care of them himself. Hal says no, come back and formulate a plan*
Warlock: How about kill everyone involved?
*Ridley and Chase have Mario back in custody and they ask who Francis is. Chase says hand him to Hal to get Francis off their back and collect the million. Ridley says to wait. Hal then calls his wife and says she can stay another week in Italy. After he hangs up, he bitches about prices in Italy*
Warlock: Least they’re TRYING some character development.
*Hal brings in Deacon (Rixhard Ha) and his associate Ruby (Andrea James Lui) to replace Francis*
Warlock: You know how much I hate “Take out your own guy.”
*Chase and ridley talk in a diner as Ruby walks in disguised as a cop. Deacon is the guy that beat the crap out of Chase earlier. Ruby sits next to Chase at the diner. The waitress asks what she wants and she doesn’t answer. She just stares at Chase for a solid minute before he says he has to take a piss. Ruby follows him. Ridley notices Deacon lurking outside the van. Ridley confronts him and says they’re taking him to lock up. Deacon pulls a gun and says to hand over the keys. Ridley says Chase has them. Deacon radios Ruby that Chase has them. In the bathroom Chase goes on about how hot Asian girls in cop outfits are when Ruby stares at him,. Chase sheepishly apologizes as Ruby seduces him only to kicks his ass*
Warlock: He gets beat up by everybody in this movie.
*Outside Ridley taunts Deacon as Chase stabs Ruby in the foot before knocking her out with a left uppercut. Chase takes his keys back and says “Everyone knows Asians can’t drive”
Warlock: Yeah that’s going to go over real well with the PC crowd.
*Chase runs out and Deacon pulls a second gun on him. Ruby gets in her cruiser and picks up Deacon as the real cops show up. Chase and Ridley drive out of there. Mario says Ruby and Deacon are called to handle situations. Mario says those two are in serious shit now. Ridley says they give Mario up and Hal will leave them alone. Mario says that won’t work. Deacon calls Hal and says they didn’t get Mario but Ruby wants revenge. Hal says he’s sending them intel and to make good use of it*
Warlock: Still got 28 minutes left, this can’t be the end.
*Ridley takes a call from Hal. Hal reveals that a cop on their force gave up the GPS in their van so Hal can track them. Ridley says they’re going to turn Mario in and Hal counters by threatening to kill Jules. Ridley says hurt her and he hurts Hal. Hal says to bring him Mario and Ridley says “Fuck you.” Ridley calls the hospital as Jules is being wheeled away by Deacon and Ruby*
Warlock: Too late.
*Chase and Ridley drive up as Deacon and Ruby drive off. Jules wakes up in the amulance as we get a chase scene. Ruby holds a gun on Jules and Jules disarms her*
Warlock: She got stabbed in the foot, she shouldn’t be moving that fluidly.
*Ruby and Jules beat the crap out of each other. Ridley tells Deacon to pull over and Chase tells Ridley to shoot him in the head*
Warlock: That’s not legal.
*Jules and Ruby continue to brawl in the back of the ambulance. Chase complains about the van as they fall bejind. Jules nearly falls out of the ambulance*
Warlock: Woahhhh there.
*Deacon wisely puts the noise and the cherries on to get cars to fall behind. Meanwhile Ruby has won the fight with Jules. Ruby checks out the school girl outfit as Ridley and Chase pull over to talk. Chase says its not his fault and Ridley says it is. Hal calls Ridley and says at Hal’s warehouse he’ll make a trade, Mario for Jules. If he’s not there in an hour, Jules dies*
Warlock: That would be a hell of an ending.
*Ridley tells Chase that if anything happens to Jules, he couldn’t live with himself. Chase says he has his back. Ridley says their plan is to get Jules back and turn Mario in for the money. Jules taunts Hal saying Chase and Ridley will fuck him up. Jules and Ruby slap each other. Jules “When I get these cuffs off, I’ll show you how a real bitch slaps.”
Warlock: Those are fighting words in my country….too bad we’re not in my country.
*The van shows up to the warehouse. Ridley hands ario a gun and says don’t use it until Jules is safe. Mario tells Hal to fuck off. Ridley wants Jules cuffs off and Deacon uncuffs her. She punches Ruby in the face. Everyone draws their guns and Hal demands Mario to walk on over. Jules passes Mario and Mario tells her to get down. He pulls his gun and Deacon shoots him in the shoulder. Mario doesn’t even sell it as everyone scatters*
Warlock: Nice acting Mario, not.
*Chase and Ridley split up*
Warlock: America would hate that.
*Ruby and Jules brawl one on one. Ruby gets the early advantage with a pump kick. Chase finds Deacon and they go one on one. Deacon beats the shit out of him. Meanwhile Trish hits the Stratusfaction on Ruby*
Warlock: All that’s left is the Bulldog.
*Deacon continues to clean Chase’s clock. Ruby goes for the ankle lock but Jules counters out of it. Ruby says in Cantonese they could have had some fun together as Jules hits an axehandle to the back. Deacon continues to kick around Chase as Ruby and Jules continue to trade blows. Ruby hammerlock takeovers Jules a few times before kicking her in the face. Meanwhile Chase grabs Deacon and snaps his neck out of nowhere*
Warlock: Gets his ass kicked the whole fight and somehow wins it.
*Ruby says in perfect Enlgish she’s lucky they found Jules so easily because she would have gone after her daughter instead. Jules punches her in the throat headlocks her, runs up the wall and bulldogs her*
Warlock: There it is! Waiting the whole movie for that.
*Jules smashes Ruby’s head in and stumbles away*
Warlock: Never threaten family, it never ends well.
*Hal shoots at Mario and Ridley takes Hal hostage. He calls Mario out and Mario walks out. Ridley calls for Jules and Chase and they stumble out. Jules says Chase is in bad shape, Ridley says if Chase dies, so does Hal. Suddenly a shot rings out from behind, its Francis. Hal uses the distraction to push Chase down and take Jules hostage. Hal says its about time he showed up. Mario and Francis point guns at each other. Hal says Francis is his backup and the duffel bag Francis is carrying holds a million dollars. Hal says he’s still willing to pay for Mario. Ridley says no deal. Hal says they either all shoot each other or Ridley takes the money. Mario then says he can. Mario says to Francis to give him the money. He wants the money and he’ll walk out, the rest of them can kill each other off*
Warlock: And now we’re back at present time.
*Hal says he’s going to kill Jules and Mario says he doesn’t care, he threatens to kill Francis if he doesn’t hand over the money. Mario cocks his gun and fires at Francis….nothing. Ridley says “Blanks”
Warlock: He’s screwed, not to mention dumb. Why did he think they’d trust him with a loaded gun?
*Francis shoots Mario down and from the ground, Chase drills Francis in the gut, killing him. Hal says they’re unfuckingbeliveable. Hal says take the money and go. Ridley says he can’t do that. Hal says he’ll just kill Jules then. Ridley says Hal is going to put the gun down and they’ll take him in. Hal says if he goes to prison, he’s finished. Ridley says the finishing move, he asks if Chase knows it and Chase says he loves it. Jules says everyone loves the finishing move. Ridley says now and Jules does a split, allowing Chase and Ridley to shoot Hal dead*
Warlock: Worst mobster ever.
*Ridley and Jules go to kiss, Chase stops them by saying he’s dying. Ridley and Jules carry Chase and pick up the money bag. Jules says not bad for a day’s work and we get the end credits and the gag reel*
Warlock: Yeah, a gaggle of dead bodies everywhere, this is going to look great in a police report. Then again they’re all gangsters, its trash taking care of itself.
The Warlock’s Assessment: Well that was a forgetable movie. If Trish Stratus wasn’t in it, would anybody know about this movie? Like if anyone else was in Trish’s role, this would be pretty damn bad. Just for the fact she was in it, I give it a 4 out of 10. Its bad but its not the worst either. I don’t really recommend it unless you’re a big wrestling fan.
Final Grade: 4 out of 10: Bad
*Warlock rises from the couch*
Warlock: That was pretty brainless, thank god for Trish otherwise I would have fallen asleep. Its not a trainwreck but its not good either. Watch at your own risk, you may or may not like it. That about wraps up another craptastic adventure, have a pleasant evening.