*The Warlock is on a Skype call with Mr. Wallstreet at his kitchen table*
Warlock: You’re coming back?
Wallstreet: You damn right I’m coming back. You’ve been doing way too many solo shots lately so its time to bring back the good old days.
Warlock: For how long?
Wallstreet: 2 days.
Warlock: I was hoping a week but it’ll do. When will you be here?
Wallstreet: Soon…very soon.
*Wallstreet cuts off the Skype chat. Warlock turns around. He’s wearing a white t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades*
Warlock: Welcome to my lair…welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.
*Camera pans to empty lair*
Warlock: Yes, its another solo IT CAME FROM YOUTUBE. Tonight’s B-movie spectacular is Blood Warriors. The 1993 action flick starring the “other” American Ninja, David Bradley. In this movie, an old friend wants him to turn heel and David refuses to. Obviously this means a one on one brawl at the end.
*Warlock turns his attention to his laptop*
Warlock: So let’s brace for Blood Warriors.
Directed by Sam Firstenberg
Written by John Stevens Alon, Glenn A Bruce and David Bradley
*Warlock reads the tag-line*
Warlock: “An ex-Marine finds out a old buddy is leading a private army of mercenaries. When an ex-Marine refuses to join an old friendship’s personal army of mercenaries a deadly violent battle erupts between the two men! And this is not good”
Warlock: No its very good, box of fluffy ducks!
*Movie begins at the California State Pen*
Warlock: All my friends went to Penn State and I went to the state pen.
*A voiceover says a man has been charged with assaulting a police officer and resisting arrest. He’s sentenced to two years in prison. The man is heckled by other inmates*
Warlock: Are we gonna explain this?
*We flash back to a war zone. Wes Healey (David Bradley) and his brother Joe (Joe Simpson) are pinned down. Wes starts shooting and it looks like he shoots his own brother in the back*
Warlock: He’s either got horrible aim or he is one sick bastard.
Warlock: Little late for that, the movie’s started.
*Back at the state pen, the warden mentions that Wes studied under Keith Stone (Frank Zagarino). Wes was top of the class. The warden says he knows Keith Stone. Stone now runs a cartel in Asia. Keith also owns Wes’ farm. All he wants is Wes to work for him. Warden tells him what happened in combat was a tragedy and shit happens. Wes says it was no accident. Warden says he’s free to go….to Asia that is*
Warlock: And we get the plot early.
*Keith’s wife Karen (Jennifer Campbell) meets Wes at the airport*
Warlock: This acting is shit already.
*Wes says she looks terrific and they hug awkwardly. Karen says its good to see a face from home. Wes asks where Keith is and Karen’s face turns and says to go. Wes gets in a car with a bunch of goons*
Warlock: This can’t be good.
*Karen says Keith was killed 2 days earlier, driving off a cliff*
Warlock: The Warden just fucked up big time, set a man free to work for a dead man.
*Karen says they’re going directly to the funeral. They arrive as the goons lock and load guns. Karen says Keith believed in a lot of security. The priest (John P Karls) reads the eulogy as Wes looks around. Two cars full of goons show up. Some asshole in a suit gets out of the car and spits on Keith’s grave. Karen slaps him and he goes to slap her, but Wes grabs his arm and says “Don’t do that.”
Warlock: Who’s this guy?
*The man says “That was very foolish” and walks away. In the car, Karen explains that was Keith’s rival named Jurgen (Dicky Zulkarnaen). He is very vindictive and Wes asked if Keith’s death was an accident. Karen says Keith had his enemies. They are driven to Keith’s estate with goons everywhere*
Warlock: Let me guess, Wes is going to have to fight them all eventually.
*Karen says home sweet home. Wes calls it a palace. Karen tells Wes to get some rest and they’ll have a nice, quiet dinner*
Warlock: Something has to go wrong, this is too easy.
*Wes and Karen have dinner and talk during. Karen says this was never her home and Wes says there’s nothing in Texas. Wes asks what Keith’s business was, Karen guesses that he was a merchant. Major Ramsey (Frans Tumbuan) is introduced from the local police. Ramsey asks if Texas is as vast as they say, Wes says vaster*
Warlock: Plaster vaster.
*Out of nowhere, Ramsey says Wes is not welcome there. He is accused of assaulting an officer as soon as he got off the plane. Wes says he’s got the wrong guy and Karen says Wes is right. Ramsey says Karen is one to talk knowing what Keith’s business was. Wes says he has no idea what Keith was up to and Ramsey says to meet at the station tomorrow to talk*
Warlock: The acting is shit and its not getting any better.
*Wes looks at the picture of himself, Joe and Keith. We flash back to the war briefly as Wes finds a guitar. Karen dresses in lingerie and downs a bottle of wine*
*Wes plays a country song on the guitar as Karen walks up in a robe. Karen pours more booze as she says Wes should have been a singer. Wes says he should have been a something. Karen asks him to sing something else*
Warlock: Play Freebird.
*Karen asks why Wes came over. Karen starts putting the moves on Wes and Wes says she was just a kid the last time he saw her. Karen strips to her lingerie and says she’s definitely not a kid anymore. Wes picks up her robe and hands it to her. Wes “I think you dropped something.”
Warlock: Never turn down a good thing!
*Karen kisses Wes and he covers her up. He says Keith wouldn’t like this. Karen says he doesn’t know half the truth about Keith. Karen doesn’t want to talk about it, she wants to go at it. Wes doesn’t want to push it right now, she covers up and runs away*
Warlock: The hell is the matter with you?
*Karen goes to bed. Wes knocks on her door and says it was good to see her and goodnight. She apologizes and Wes enters the room. He sits on the bed with her*
Warlock: We’re 20 minutes into it and we haven’t seen one fight yet.
*Karen says she loved Joe and Wes says they have something in common. He says its good to see her but asks what Keith was up to. Karen says Keith had changed. Karen was seeing some guy and Keith didn’t like him, so he disappeared*
Warlock: So Keith is her brother, not her lover?
*Karen is sad Ramsey is going to deport Wes the next morning. Wes says that’s not going to happen. Karen says she thought about him for a long time. Wes says he’ll cook her breakfast in the morning. Meanwhile Jurgen has Keith’s grave opened and no one is in there*
Warlock: Well….that certainly changes things, doesn’t it?
*Assassins kill Keith’s guards and a whole gaggle of Jurgen’s men storm’s Keith’s palace. They wipe out all the guards*
Warlock: The death sounds are so badly overdubbed its making the movie worse.
*The badly overdubbed dialogue gets worse*
Warlock: This is getting worse by the minute.
*Jurgen’s men wire the palace with C4, take Karen hostage and kill the rest of the guards. Wes narrowly avoids getting shot*
Warlock: I love how they can’t miss guards 90 feet away but can’t hit Wes standing right in front of them.
*Wes jumpkicks one goon then beats up another one, using him as a human shield. He throws another goon out the window. A goon and a guard kill each other as Jurgen’s number one guy throws Karen in a car and drive off. Wes swan dives on top of a car as Keith’s palace blows to smithereens*
Warlock: Well if he faked his own death, he’s not gonna be happy when he gets home.
*The car swerves trying to get Wes to fall off but he hangs on*
Warlock: Now would be a great time for the police to show up.
*A police cruiser follows the car and calls for backup*
Warlock: Well like I said.
*The car plows into a tollbooth and then into an outdoor cafe*
Warlock: The owner is going to be PISSED.
*The swerving car causes a 2 car pileup but Wes hangs on. He pulls the driver out of the window and the guy is killed by an oncoming truck*
Warlock: Oooooh that’s gonna hurt.
*Wes swerves to avoid school girls and he flips the car. The police show up and arrests Wes despite his claim that Karen was kidnapped. Ramsey says wherever he goes, trouble follows. Wes says he feels like a piece of raw meat. Wes says Karen was kidnapped and Ramsey says he has no proof. Ramsey says he’s to return to Texas and Wes says he’s not going anywhere without Karen. Wes says Jurgen is involved and Ramsey says Keith’s body is gone. Ramsey says Karen is behind it all including Keith’s death and her kidnapping. Wes says he doesn’t think so*
Warlock: That would be a hell of a heel turn.
*Ramsey tells Wes that Keith was Jurgen’s partner and were powerful drug lords until Keith upstaged Jurgen and took his own power. They became rivals and Karen is involved. Wes says he doesn’t think Karen is involved. Ramsey says with Keith dead and Karen gone, he’s got nowhere to stay until his flight home so he’s putting him up in a hotel*
Warlock: Wow, what service.
*Jurgen loads a gun at a firing range and taunts Karen who’s the prime target. Jurgen asks where Keith is and Karen shouts that he’s dead. Jurgen says they dug up the grave and it was empty. She screams she has no idea and Jurgen doesn’t believe her. We cut to Wes stomping around the hotel with two guards outside*
Warlock: Why do I have a feeling Ramsey is involved?
*Wes escapes out the window and nearly falls off the roof. A guard outside notices Wes trying to escape and radios the two guards upstairs. They run out the window and spot Wes hanging*
Warlock: Love how the window cleaners don’t see him hanging there.
*Wes makes it to the wooden ladders and climbs down with 3 guys chasing him above and below*
Warlock: These guards are inept as hell.
*Wes kicks one guard through a table below*
Warlock: He’s not dead, just is going to hurt like hell tomorrow.
*Wes uses a pulley to get to ground level but a guard pulls on him. Wes lets go off the pulley and it drops a bucket which slingshots dirt on the guy. Wes jumps into a cab and tells the driver (Rony Sax) he needs a pistol, he hands him a wad of cash and the driver says sure*
Warlock: Rather than shout for police, he goes with it…sure.
*Jurgen has his top man help torture Karen using electro shocks. Meanwhile Wes sneaks into Jurgen’s estate*
Warlock: How the hell did he know where Jurgen lived? Wow, this movie blows.
*Jurgen tortures Karen and she continues to deny that she knows anything. Wes sneaks around with a .22 6 shooter*
Warlock: What the hell does he expect to do with that pea shooter?
*Wes knocks out two guards without firing a shot as two choppers fly overhead*
Warlock: Wish Mr. America could tell me what those are.
*3 masked man prepare to storm the estate. Jurgen looks out the window and the masked men open fire on the estate*
Warlock: I assume Keith’s men.
*The masked ninjas propel through the window and wipe out all the guards*
Warlock: So the same crew that stormed Keith’s palace with relative ease now can’t shoot for shit.
*One of Jurgen’s top guys is shot by the ninjas. Jurgen sends his top man to fight and he ends up killing one of the ninjas before being shot. Jurgen grabs an AK as the ninjas cut Karen loose. Jurgen opens fire and kills a ninja as Wes drops from the balcony and lands on one of the ninjas. He grabs the gun from the guy and aims it at him. The ninja unmasks to be…Keith*
Warlock: Now comes the part where you explain what this is all about.
*Keith has Karen and Wes loaded into the chopper as Jurgen watches with a bazooka. He fires and blows away the wrong chopper. Keith shoots Jurgen dead from the other chopper*
Warlock: Okay, we got 45 minutes left and the primary villain is gone. Is Keith going to take over as top heel now?
*Wes calls Keith a sonovabitch. Karen smacks him for almost getting her killed and Keith screams “Listen bitch, I just saved your ass” and he slaps her. Wes grabs his arm and tells him to relax. Wes holds Karen close as Keith has them taken to a remote island. Keith says welcome to Fort Knox. This is one of his hideouts, heavily guarded*
Warlock: Hope this security detail is better than the last one.
*Wes asks what this is all about. Keith says all in good time, he says he’s glad Wes is there. Wes gets cleaned up as Keith says he can all powerful there. Keith wants to share his dream with Wes. Keith explains Tanaka (himself) is his best warrior and his guards get their ass kicked by him in training. Keith says to make a good showing to convince Wes to join the team. Tanaka beats the shit out of the guards*
Warlock: Ah the cliche “one guy attacks at a time”, works so well for Chuck Norris movies, makes everyone else look like an idiot.
*Keith says he won’t make Wes fight Tanaka as Tanaka beats up the rest of the guards. Wes wants to know what’s going on. Keith says he’s got an import/export business and he wants Wes to run shipments for him. Keith says its electronics and Wes says Ramsey told him it was heroin. Keith says Ramsey knows nothing*
Warlock: Ramsey is right.
*Wes thanks Keith for getting him out of a jam but he wants nothing to do with this. Keith says the island is just a small part of his earnings. He wants Wes to help and he’s a marine for life*
Warlock: Semper fi.
*Wes says when his dad died he started thinking a lot. He says he has to start over and Keith says a new beginning. Wes says he’s not running heroin for him. Keith says he knows all about his prison sentence and his father’s farm. Keith says he’s not selling him the farm back and Wes gets up and leaves. Keith says he owns everything and everyone including Karen. If he wants Karen, he has to play pointman for him. Keith says he can leave but Karen is staying. Wes says that’s up to her to decide. Keith says not to make an enemy out of him and Wes says or what, end up like a lump of coal in his next car wreck*
Warlock: Wouldn’t be much of a movie if he joined him, would it?
*Keith “Whatever it takes, Wes.” Wes “I’ll remember that.”
Warlock: I can write better dialogue than this.
*Wes has flashback of his brother being shot and he wakes up sweating. Wes wakes up Karen and he wants to say goodbye, he’s leaving. Karen doesn’t want him to leave. She needs him. Wes says its between her and Keith, he doesn’t want any part of this. She calls him a no-good liar and Wes says he’s got his own problems at home. She tells him to go and Wes says goodbye*
Warlock: He can’t make anybody happy. Everyone in the entire movie with the exception of that taxi driver wants him dead or to go away. I’m surprised the Priest didn’t try to throw holy water at him at the funeral.
*Karen shouts that this is typical of Wes and Joe would have stayed to help her. Wes says that was below the belt and he leaves*
Warlock: What a wuss.
*Wes walks back in and kisses Karen deep*
Warlock: That’s more like it.
*Pointless sex scene*
Warlock: Of course, the obligatory sex scene. We still have another 30 minutes to boot.
*Wes and Karen saunter down for breakfast. Keith shows up and tells Wes to pour him a cup. Keith says he knows Wes doesn’t want to get his hands dirty. Karen says they’re going home and Keith tells her to shut up. He says if Wes will help his latest shipment, he’ll cancel the morgatge on the farm. Wes doesn’t want anything to do with drugs. Keith shows him a briefcase of money and says you sure you want to pass this up. Wes is sure. Keith says he has a going away present and shoots him in the leg before pistol whipping Karen. Keith tells Tanaka to get him out of there and tells his men to lock Karen in her room*
Warlock: Knew that was coming.
*Wes is dumped into the middle of the street where he’s taken in by random locals. Wes wakes up with the father welcoming him downtown. The father is Salin (Piet Burnama) and the son is Walid (Diaz Tangkilisan). Wes gives the kid the thumbs up as Salin says they must get ready. He’s going to fix the leg without anasthetic*
*Keith walks in on Karen and calls her a disappointment. Karen pulls a knife and threatens Keith with it and Keith says Wes is already dead. She cries as he leaves*
Warlock” Thought he was going to go incest for a minute, glad it didn’t go that way.
*Wes looks at a statue and Salin says its a dispenser of justice*
Warlock: This is getting progressively worse.
*Salin says Wes is a marine and needs to act like one*
Warlock: How would he know that? Ees hasn’t told him anything about himself yet.
*Keith tells Karen Wes is good for nothing and he deserved more than he got. Karen tries to plead her case that she wants to be with Wes and Keith says who is he to stand in the way of true love. He says he’ll make the arrangements*
Warlock: This can’t be good.
*Keith tells Tanaka to find Wes and bring him back. Meanwhile Wes is already storming Keith’s palace*
Warlock: In broad daylight.
*Wes disarms a guard and throws a knife 80 feet away, hitting a guy on the guard tower*
Warlock: That was so cheesy.
*Wes finds a box of grenades, mines and other explosives*
Warlock: The movie’s score contains rapid gunfire that’s interfering with the actual sounds. This is ridiculous.
*Wes loads up an M16 and wipes out another guard. Wes gets the drop on another one and takes him out with a jumping axehandle smash. Fianlly Wes starts blasting guards which wakes up both Keith and Karen. Wes runs to Karen’s room and she thought he was dead. Wes says not yet. He’s there to get her out of there. Keith and Karen escape out the window as Keith runs in with a handgun*
Warlock: 18 minutes left, this can’t be the end.
*Wes blasts more guards trying to escape*
Warlock: That last guy clearly was hit with a paintball, that was awful.
*Wes carries Karen to a boat and has the palace rigged to blow. Keith picks up a bazooka and fires it, missing the boat completely. Wes takes off on his own boat after Wes and Karen. They shoot it out during the chase*
Warlock: Yay, a boat chase scene.
*Keith’s boat crashes into rocks and explodes, Wes holds Karen close. Next frame is at a hotel where Karen thanks Wes*
Warlock: For killing her brother, that’s some thanks.
*Walid runs up and says Salin is in trouble. Keith has taken over the orphanage*
Warlock: How did he know Wes was with Salin? This is definitely no coincidence.
*Wes shows up to the crime scene and Ramsey is there waiting. Keith has 20 kids hostage and he wants Wes. Wes shouts in the megaphone that he’s there. If he lets the kids go, he can have him. The 20 kids immediately run out*
Warlock: Now the smart thing would be for a SWAT team to run in and get him.
*Keith’s goons go to intercept Wes and he knocks them both out. Keith has Salin at gunpoint and Wes tells him to let the old man go. Keith shoots at Wes and tells him to come and get him. Wes chases Keith to the roof where he threatens to toss Salin off. Wes tosses Keith the gun and Keith says bad move, now they’re both gonna die. Salin elbows Keith in the ribs and Wes tackles him off the roof…onto another roof below*
Warlock: Sacked for a loss.
*Keith spirals over one side of the roof, Wes the other. Wes falls through the roof and into a boiler room. Keith turns on the boiler and pretends to be hurt. He then attacks him before running away*
Warlock: When is this gonna fucking endddddd???
*Keith plays cat and mouse with Wes. Keith throws a knife but Wes catches it in midair*
Warlock: One last kick in the nuts to anyone watching this expecting logic.
*Finally Wes and Keith go one on one. Wes beats the crap out of Keith until he cheats and starts beating Wes down. Keith taunts Wes that HE killed Joe all along. Keith says it was easier for Wes to take the blame. Keith goes to blow the place and Wes wants to go one more time. Wes annihilates Keith and Keith gets trapped. Keith says to rescue him and Wes runs out just as the place blows. Karen asks what happened and he doesn’t answer. The school kids all celebrate around Wes*
Warlock: A hero’s welcome…..
Warlock: Thank fucking god its over.
The Warlock”s Assessment: That was one of the worst “fighting” movies I’ve ever seen. It had poor acting, horrible dialogue, TERRIBLE looped in dialogue, absolutely no logic at all. It was a complete piece of crap. I give it a 3 out of 10 and anybody out there should avoid it at all costs.
Final Grade: 3 out of 10 – Abysmal
*Warlock rises from the couch*
Warlock: I was dreading that IT CAME FROM YOUTUBE would go south and unfortunately it did. Blood Warriors was a total turd and I feel dumber for having watching it. David Bradley wasn’t HALF this awful in American Ninja 3 so there’s no excuse for a performance this bad. That about wraps up another craptastic adventure. Have a pleasant evening.