*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black leather jacket, RED OCTOBER t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a flower watering can of Dr. Pepper*
Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.
*Warlock drinks some of the Dr. Pepper like he’s watering a plant before walking inside*
Warlock: Tonight is actually a rare night as we are doing the most recent movie released to date. Thug D has picked out a 2016 action comedy called The Nice Guys.
*Thug D is sitting in the recliner wearing a jean jacket with band patches on it, Mudak t-shirt, black jeans, sneakers and Oaklies shades*
D: Yeah, it was pretty funny when I saw it in theaters.
*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*
Warlock: So let’s begin The Nice Guys
Directed by Shane Black
Written by Shane Black and Anthony Bagarozzi
*D reads the tag-line*
D: “In 1970s Los Angeles, a mismatched pair of private eyes investigate a missing girl and the mysterious death of a porn star.”
Warlock: This isn’t blacksploitation is it?
D: With Russel Crowe??
*Old Warner Brothers logo*
Warlock: Heh, the old logo.
D: Yeah they do that sometimes.
*Panoramic view of Hollywood, 1977*
Warlock: Love Gun just came out.
*Kid steals his father’s dirty magazine and looks at the centerfold of Misty Mountains (Murielle Telio)*
Warlock: Good choice.
*A car crashes through the house, the kid checks out the wreckage*
Warlock: Isn’t that the kid from Insidious?
D: Yes, it is.
*Misty Mountains herself is the victim, kid takes his shirt off and covers her with it*
Warlock: This kid is gonna jerk off to her every day the rest of his life.
*Jackson Healy (Russell Crowe) does a voiceover saying he’s the one they call to pay people visits to scare them away. He eats peanuts and throws the shells into someone else’s car*
*Jackson punches out “The Man” for hitting on a little girl. Meanwhile Holland March (Ryan Gosling) bathes in his suit as his daughter calls and says her birthday is today. He crawls out and gets gas at a gas station*
D: Oh yeah, the gas shotage.
*Holland meets a woman who wants to pay him to find her husband. He looks on the mantle and sees her husband’s ashes on the mantle. Jackson sarcastically asks how long he’s been gone, she says since the funeral. Holland says he’ll start right away*
D and Warlock: Hahahahahahahahahahahahaa
*Holland goes to smash a window with his fist, misses and cuts his wrist open. He taggers “Oh that’s a lot of blood.” Holland is rushed to the hospital*
*Radio says police are still investigating the Misty Mountains death. Jackson flashes back to his gf saying she’s sleeping with Jackson’s dad causing him to spittake*
D: The actress was trying not to laugh.
*Jackson punches Holland and beats him around. Jackson tells Holland to stop looking for Amelia (Margaret Qualley). Holland says she’s a person of interest. “Put a fork in me…actually don’t put a fork in me.” Willie Glenn (Lois Smith) hired Holland. Jackson beats him around and breaks his arm. He takes an apple and walks out and runs into Holland’s daughter. She asks if he’s a friend and Jackson says business associate. She hands him a Yoohoo bottle and he thanks her*
D: I don’t even know where he can get those in those bottles.
*Jackson is mugged by The Older guy (Keith David). Holland goes back to Mrs. Glenn and figures out that he wasn’t after Amelia, he was after Misty Mountains who died. In the car Holland asks his daughter Holly (Angourie Rice) if he’s a bad person, she says yes*
*Blueface (Beau Knapp) throws Jackson’s own fish at him. Jackson gets pissed. He pulls a gun and starts blasting. The Older Guy and Blueface run away. Meanwhile Holland has Holly’s birthday party at a bowling alley with KISS “Rock N Roll All Nite” as the soundtrack*
Warlock: You drive us wild
D: We’ll drive you crazyyyyyyy
*Jack finds Holland in the bathroom and a hilarious exchange occurs where Holland is trying to hold Jack at gunpoint while Holland is on the toilet*
Warlock and D: Hahahahaha
*Jack wants Holland’s help finding Amelia before The Older Guy gets her first. Jackson tells him to find her. Holland tells Jackson the story of Mrs Glenn saying she saw Amelia thinking it was Misty Mountains. Meanwhile Holly shows up and says she’ll give 30 bucks to Jackson to beat up her friend Janet. Jackson is interested*
Warlock and D: Hahahahaha
*Holland tells Jack to keep his mouth closed. Holland looks at some of the smog protestors playing dead. Holland says its Amelia’s group. Some girl on the ground tells them to shut up because they’re dead. Holland steps on someone and says “Sorry, thought you were dead.” Holland then says for 20 bucks, help find Amelia’s bf Dean. The kid brings Jackson and Holland to a burnt down house and said Dean was killed 3 days before. Holland “You gotta be fuckin kidding me” The kid’s name is Chet (Jack Kilmer).
*Kid on a bike (Lance Valentine Butler) gives them intel and asks if they want to see his deck. Holland gets agitated*
D and Warlock: Hahahaha
*Jackson and Holland find Sid Shattuck’s billboard. Back at Holland;s house, Holland calls and asks for his whereabouts as Holly asks why they won’t let Jackson in. Holland “No animals allowed in the house”
D and Warlock: Hahahaha
*Holly tells Jackson she’s friends with a cop who likes Holland. Jackson says they should get married. Meanwhile Holland tells Jackson that Mrs. Glenn is so blind, you could paint a mustache on a Volkswagen and she’d say “Wow Omar Shariff sure runs fast”
*Holland and Jackson get to the porn pool party and Holly is in the trunk. The valet refuses to take the car. Holland shoves Holly into a cab and sends her away*
Warlock: It would have been funnier if they let Holly stay.
*Holland says he has no sense of smell. Jackson “You’re a detective and you can’t smell? Oh this keeps getting better.”
*Holland and Jackson split up*
Warlock: Mr. America hates that.
*Jackson puts a drink on a girl’s ass who’s imitating a rainbow. Jackson bends down and apologizes*
*Holland asks a stripper where Amelia is, the bartender says not to ask. Meanwhile Jackson finds “Misty Mountains” footage and figures out Amelia IS Misty Mountains. Holland dives into the pool to interview the mermaids. Jackson finds Holly and smashes some guy’s head in. Holly says he didn’t put the porno on, the girl next to her did. Holly asks where Amelia is but the girl doesn’t know*
Warlock: Its funnier with the girl inbolved.
*Holland runs into Pocahontas (Lexi Johnson) who pretends to shoot him and he literally falls over the balcony and rolls down the hill, hurting himself*
*Holland loses his gun and has to look for it. While searching, he finds Amelia. He drunkenly lets he run off and he finds the gun. He talks to himself*
Warlock: That was Amelia wasn’t it?
*Holland lights up a cigarette and there’s a dead body behind him. Hi cigarette falls out of his mouth*
Warlock: Right out of Ghostbusters.
*Jackson hysterically tries to yell for Jackson but takes 10 seconds. Jackson “The fuck are you doing down there?”*
*Jackson pulls the guy’s wallet, its Sid Shattuck himself. Jackson’s plan is to throw up and get rid of the body*
*Some girl asks Holly what she wants with Amelia. Holly says Amelia is her sister and two guys are asking where she is, and she’s scared. Jackson makes fun of Holland for falling down the hill*
*Jackson “You were in the pool?” Holland “I had to question the mermaid.”
Warlock and D: Hahahhahahahahaha
*Jackson and Holland drop Sid’s body into a crowd*
*The girl leads Holly to a limo. Inside Blueface locks the door*
Warlock: Oh shit.
*The Older Guy pops up and wrestles with Jackson. Innocent people get accidentally shot*
D: Hahahaha people getting shot left and right.
*Blueface pulls a gun and Holly stops him from shooting Amelia. Holly tells Amelia to run and Holland chases after them knocking people into the pool*
*The valet tells Holland that Holly was in Blueface’s car. Holland takes off in a Pontiac Firebird*
D: Hell yeah!
*Jackson shoots Older Guy in the leg. Jackson beats the crap out of him and Older Guy and says to go away. He peeks over the balcony and sees Amelia and Holly running. Blueface gets out to shoot them as Holland drives up and into a guardrail*
Warlock: He missed.
*Blueface gets the drop on Holly and Amelia as Blueface is run over by a random guy driving a van. The guy sticks his head out, “Holy shit” and drives off*
*Holly tends to Blueface and holds his hand much to Amelia’s dismay. Jackson runs up and Holly says they need an ambulance. Jackson tells her to flag someone down. Blueface “You!” Jackson “Yeah me!” Blueface says he’s working for John Boy (Matt Bomer). He’s gonna kill Holland and Holly then come for Jackson. Jackson strangles him to death. Holly runs back and Jackson says he didn’t make it. Finally Holland pulls up in the Firebird*
Warlock: Little late.
*Holland hugs Holly close. The cops show up and detain Jackson and Holland. Tally (Yaya DeCosta) shows up and says her boss wants a word with them. Her boss is Judith Kussner (Kim Basinger). She says she’s with the department of justice. Holland “That tells us absolutely nothing.” She reveals she’s Amelia’s mother*
*Judith wants to trust Jackson and Holland. Judith says the Vegas Mob is trying to spread into the LA scene and she’s trying to stop it. Holland asks why everyone involved in Amelia’s film is dying. Judith says Amelia doesn’t trust her because she thinks Judith is trying to kill her. Holland spots Tally playing with Holly and asks for he card*
*Holland reveals his real house burnt down. Jackson pulls the piece of paper he found in Sid’s office and says Amelia handed her the same thing.Holland asks why Jackson is “The Diner Guy.” Jackson says some asshole was pointing a gun and he took him down, while getting shot. Holland starts snoring*
Warlock: Just for a moment he felt useful.
*Jackson finds Holly reading alone in a park. Holly reveals this is where their house used to be. Jackson says Holland says they are rebuilding. Holly says he lied. She says their house burned down because there was a gas leak and Holland couldn’t smell it. Holly asks if he killed Blueface and he says no*
Warlock: You liar.
*Next day Holly drives Holland home. Jackson figures out Amelia is trying to leave town. Holland says to hold Judith up for more money and Jackson is pissed. Holly calls Holland the world’s worst detective. Holly calls him a fuck up and she hates him. Holland “That works.” Jackson “I’ll find her myself.” Holland then reveals he figured out Amelia is not on a flight but at Burbank Apartments because he figured out the date is reversed and FLT means flat, not flight*
Warlock: World’s worst detective huh?
*Jackson and Holland show up to Burbank Apartments and some guy says they’ve been torn down for two years. Holland “To the airport then”
*Holland and Jackson figure out Amelia is meeting someone at the Burbank Airport Hotel. The bartender tells them the guys up there are bad news. The bartender says another guy is looking for her named John. Jackson says he’s there to kill Amelia. Jackson and Holland says the smart move is to stay there…so they go upstairs*
*Jackson and Holland take the elevator up. Holland says the guy with no balls is Munich. They get to the top and find a guy with his throat cit. Another guy gets shot to death, so Jackson and Holland retreat to the elevator. A guy gets thrown out the window*
*Holland screams Amelia is dead and right on cue she jumps on the car. She then falls down. Holland and Jackson bring her to Holland’s house where Holly and Jessica are playing pong. Amelia comes to and says Judith sent the men to kill her. Amelia says the plan was to make a porno with Dean and Judith wants her dead. Amelia says Judith is getting paid off to get the Auto companies off. Jackson says to go to the police and Amelia says her mother IS the police. Amelia screams its not a porno and Holland says “You know I have neighbors.” Amelia says the nudity was the sell point but the plot was to expose Judith’s dirty deeds. Amelia says Judith had Dean, Sid and Misty killed. Jackson and Holland ask Holly what she thinks. Holland and Jackson says John Boy is after them. Tally calls Holland and says Judith just was asking for 100 grand. Holland says they have Amelia. Tally says she’ll send the family doctor to get Amelia. Tally says she wants Holland to carry the money for her. Holland and Jackson are on their way over and Jackson doesn’t know who to trust*
Warlock: Yeah really.
*Jackson tells a story of how Richard Nixon told a guy he was going to be okay just to say there are two ways to look at things. Tally hands the money to Holland and he says to call him later. Jackson tells Holland that the car can drive it self and to take his hands off the wheel. Holland says “I didn’t know it could do that.” Suddenly a giant bee in the back talks to them and Holland says “You fly around all day, how would you know?” Suddenly Jackson screams and Holland was sleeping the whole time. They crash and the briefcase explodes, there wasn’t any money isn’t there, it was newspaper. Meanwhile John Boy is allowed in the house by Holly thinking he’s the doctor. He asks Holly what Amelia was saying. Holly figures out its John Boy although Jessica tries to sabotage it by accident. Holly then pulls a gun and tells him to cuff himself. John Boy pulls a knife and says play nice and he’ll only kill Amelia. He then throws Jessica out the window as Holland and Jackson pull up. John Boy walks outside and gets a machine gun, opening fire on Holland and Jackson*
*Holland grabs Jessica, finds Holly and Amelia and puts them in the closet. Holly points the gun at Holland who freaks “JESUS!”
*Amelia escapes out the window. as John Boy shoots up the house.Jackson dives inside. He asks Holland for his gun and Holland throws it over his head and out the window by accident*
*John Boy hears the cops coming so he gets in his car and drives off. Holly points out Amelia is gone. Meanwhile Amelia flags down John Boy and John Boy “Wow.” She runs up and John Boy shoots her dead*
Warlock: That was the easiest kill ever.
*Holland and Jackson are distraught as Amelia is lined in chalk*
D: Had her own daughter killed for christsakes.
*Holland and Jackson lament their losses and Holly says she needs a drink. They go back home and Holly says she hated the palm tree. Holland says they’ll stay in a hotel. Mrs Glenn then pulls up and asks Jackson why nobody believes her. Mrs Glenn says Misty was wearing a jacket and Jackson realizes he saw it in Sid’s office. Jackson asks Mrs Glenn to take her to Misty’s house. Holland figures out that what Mrs Glenn saw was Amelia watching Misty on the projector. Holly finds a letter, opening night at 9 PM and it was written by Chet. Holly figures out the film is going to be shown at the LA auto show. Holland reveals to Mrs Glenn that Misty is dead and Holly says they’ll bring the killers down. Holland “at a deeply discounted rate”
*Jackson, Holly and Holland hit up the auto show to find Chet. Tally shows up and pulls a gun on Jackson and Holland plays Mickey the Dunce. Tally reveals this started in Detroit when Misty was shooting her mouth off. Holland and Jackson argue as Holland starts going for Jackson’s ankle gun. Jackson asks what he’s doing. Holland asks if he dreamt that he had an ankle gun. Jackson “Yeah, you moron.” Holly walks in with a room service cart and throws coffee on Tally, its cold. Holland “I like where your head is at.” Tally then slips on a wet spot and knocks herself out*
Warlock and D: Hahahahaha
*John Boy finds Chet and tells him that a projector is broken somewhere. Jackson goes to find them. Jackson finds Chet beat up in the garbage. He asks where the film is. John Boy then radios The Older Guy that the film is in the projector who figures out Holly was listening in. The Older Guy has Holly hostage and a drunken Holland blows him off. The film then begins. The Older Guy asks why Holland brought Holly in, Holland says he fucked up. Holland cries and tells Holly to duck. Holland was faking drunk, he pulls out a gun and shoots The Older Guy dead. Older Guy grabs Holland and they both tumble off the roof. Older Guy goes splat while Holland lands in the pool*
*Holland sees Richard Nixon in the pool pointing up and he swims out. John Boy opens fire on the projector as Jackson starts shooting. Tally wakes up and Holly rolls the film canister out the window and Tally knocks herself out again. Holland gets run over twice as he tackles the guy with the canister. Jackson fights with John Boy and John Boy’s grenade takes out a henchmen. Meanwhile Jackson goes to strangle John Boy to death but Holly threatens that she’ll never speak to Jackson again. Jackson let’s go as Holland has the film canister. The cops show up and Holland’s voice over says “Sometimes you just win.”
Warlock: All I do is win.
*Outside court Holland and Jackson pretend not to notice Judith there. Holland speaks German and Jackson says he’s comparing her to Hitler. Judith said she was trying to protect her daughter, not kill her. Later, Jackson says Detroit’s Car Company gets off scott free. Holland “People are stupid.” Holland notices Jackson drinking and says nobody got hurt. Jackson says a lot of people died. Holland “They died quick.” Holland reveals they have a new agency “The Nice Guys.” Their first case is coming up. Jackson “Halleluja” End credits*
D: I hope there’s a sequel.
Thug D’s Assessment: I give it a 10 out of 10, its been a long time since I’ve seen a comedy THAT funny.
The Warlock: I give it a 9 out of 10. The ending was kind of weak but I laughed my balls off the whole movie.
Final Grade: 9.5 out of 10: Almost the best of all time.
*Warlock rises from the couch*
Warlock: That was fucking HILARIOUS. Definitely one of the funniest movies to come out in the last five years. I definitely recommend it, you must see it. That about wraps up another amazing adventure, have a pleasant evening.