*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black leather jacket, “ROWDY” RODDY PIPER t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a cereal bowl of root beer*
Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.
*Warlock just walks inside*
Warlock: Tonight’s tale is…
*Warlock stops as Mr. America is in front of the tv wearing white camo fatigues, vest and hat along with black combat boots and aviator shades. He’s doing the Crash Bandicoot dance*
Warlock: What the hell are you doing.
America: I got the hidden red gem, leave me alone.
Warlock: Well pause the game, its movie time.
America: What do we have going on tonight?
Warlock: Tough & Deadly. Its a tale of crooked CIA agents and private investigators that want to beat them up.
*America flops into the recliner and throws his hands up*
America: Fine, whatever.
*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the recliner*
Warlock: So let’s get started with Tough & Deadly.
Directed by Steve Cohen
Written by Steve Cohen and Otto C Pozzo
*Warlock reads the tag-line*
Warlock: “Elmo Freech is a private investigator and was contracted by John Portland, a CIA agent who suffers amnesia, in order to reveal a dubious case of drug smuggling”
America: That is a lot of moving parts in one summary. We’re supposed to get a quick synopsis and instead we get a short story.
*Opening credits “Rowdy” Roddy Piper*
America: Holy crap!
Warlock: Oh yeah, forgot to mention he was in this.
*Car is shown*
Warlock: That is not an American car.
America: You just noticed it now??
*John Portland (Billy Blanks) is allowed into a mansion by a butler. The owner is German*
Warlock: He shoots the butler.
*Commando team dressed as exterminators enters mansion*
America: Is this “bad guy on a budget?” If he’s supposed to be a bad guy, then what the hell is going on? Usually they have security guards.
*Agent Norton (Richard Norton), Alpha (Janet Jones), Beta (Brad Bovee) and Delta shoot the butler, the secretary and the german man. John springs to action and wipes them all out one by one until only Norton remains*
Warlock: I don’t think they’re the good guys…..
*Portland is hit with a tranquilizer dart and pummel John. They take him hostage. Elmo Freech (Roddy Piper) drives his car 36 hours later. Meanwhile 3 white trashers watch tv*
Warlock: That doesn’t look like the Charlie Chicken Show.
*Tiny (Robert Werhan) shoots coke with his friend. Elmo kicks the door in. A prostitute (Lisa Comshow) calls them laced up PCP. Tiny says Elmo isn’t a cop but a private investigator. Tiny says he’ll go with him, just wants to finish the line first. Elmo then kicks the crap out of both of them*
Warlock: Should have let him finish the line.
America: I don’t think he had any interest in doing so.
Warlock: 8 years earlier Piper would have joined him.
*Tiny escapes while Elmo is beating up the friend. Elmo chases Tiny to the roof. The friend chases him. Elmo drops him twice*
Warlock: See Piper’s limping, bad hip.
*Elmo knocks down Tiny and tosses friend off the roof who falls into an empty pool. Later on the cops show up. The friend is dead and Hallick (Frank Di Paolo) gives Elmo shit for it. Elmo says he has diaper rash*
*John Portland wakes up in the back of a car and goes apeshit, taking out everyone and rolling the car. He crawls out of it*
Warlock: Why didn’t the car explode?
America: I don’t know but that’s pretty rare in the movies.
*John crawls toward a bus. The driver almost runs him over*
Warlock: Hey its Donald Trump.
America: It does look like him.
*Driver pulls over and checks John, he’s alive but passed out. The paramedics are called and they haul John away*
Warlock: Well he’s not dead.
*John is wheeled in as Elmo walks out. Elmo calls himself “Detective Bill Jackson” and asks for intel on John. Elmo calls Maureen Peek (Lisa Stahl) and wants intel on Portland*
Warlock: Its Billy Blanks.
America: Yeah big help.
*John is nicknamed Quicksilver. The CIA led by Winston Briggers (James Karen) says John is armed, dangerous and responsible for the death of the German guy from earlier. Meanwhile Elmo checks out the cleavage of the desk nurse (Kimberley Simms)*
Warlock: Nice Piper.
*Elmo disguised as a doctor enters John’s room. He checks out the wounds*
Warlock: Are they gonna play patticake now?
America: Ugh, why?
*Elmo spots an assassin preparing to finish off Johna and attacks him*
Warlock: They look exactly alike.
*Elmo punches the dude out the window and he crashes through a car. A guy in a suit and tie watches and walks away*
America: He’s not looking too good.
*Elmo grills John about who he is and what he’s wanted for. John says Elmo’s boss said he was a pain in the ass. Elmo pulls out the picture of the guy he threw out the window and John doesn’t know him. Elmo says neither one of them exists. Elmo says to come with him. John says he’s not going anywhere. Elmo “Fine, fuckin die then.”
Americaa: Heh, they’re on GREAT terms.
*Winston walks with Norton and his left hand man. Elmo waits outside John’s room before barging in. “Hey stupid, its a set up.” Elmo says if he doesn’t come with him, he’s dead. John finally gets up and leaves with him*
America: No one notices a patient is just walking out without being discharged?
*Elmo takes John back to his house. John is suffering from amnesia*
America: Let’s start with what DO you know?
*Carl Weldon (Brant Von Hoffman) is introduced by Winston. Robert Trekkler (Phil Morris) is the left hand man. Weldon says the German guy was Reichtman (Ronald E House). Weldon gives John’s background as a super soldier that has a bounty on his head. John later wakes up from a dream where he’s shot with a shotgun*
*Next morning Elmo pours coffee for John*
Warlock: “Ehhh, needs vodka.”
*Elmo asks why they didn’t kill him earlier. John says they probably were going to do that. Elmo goes back to Maureen who’s nickname is Mo. Elmo takes a knife and throws it against a map. It lands on Portland. “Mo, meet John Portland”
Warlock: Imagine if it hit Walla Walla?
*Training montage of John and Elmo running in the park, doing situps, etc*
Warlock: What’s the point of this?
America: I have no clue.
*John outtrains Elmo*
Warlock: Making Piper look pathetic.
*Elmo puts John to work, they have to find Sam Trinidad. Mo makes Elmo tell how he left the police force. “My LT hit me with 14 days for using a non-standard gun, so I hit him with 15 stitches. It was better I resigned”
Warlock: They would have hung me for that.ohn makes his
America: You’re not even on the force!!!
*John and Elmo hit up the bar. John can’t hold his booze*
Warlock: Is there a point to this movie?
*John staggers into Cowboy (Gary Kasper) who spills his beer. Cowboy yells at him for it. John enters the bathroom and keeps repeating “Quick”
Warlock: He’s trying to remember his codename.
*Cowboy wants 10 bucks. John says Elmo has it. Cowboy attacks him and puts him in an airplane spin. John recovers and cleans out him and two other guys*
America: Hey, watch the light fixture.
*Elmo walks up laughing and John says he learned he can fight. Elmo asks where he learned to fight, John doesn’t remember. Later on Elmo wants him to teach him that. John refuses so they fight for real*
Warlock: Why are they fighting each other?
America: I don’t know.
Warlock: We’re 40 minutes into it and we have no lot and they’re beating each other senseless for no reason.
*Maureen walks in and yells at them both. She patches up Elmo. Next scene is John and Elmo hitting up a pool hall*
Warlock: 5 to 1 they’re going to wreck the place.
America: I’m sure something will happen, although this movie has done a terrible job explaining anything.
*Some big dude pushes Elmo and he beats him up. His friend joins in and Elmo cleans both of them out. He hits a flying bodypress on another guy. Someone else pulls a switchblade and John throws a pool ball, hitting him in the head*
*Elmo bags the nephew of Vincent Milan (Sal Landi). Milan sends two goons after Elmo. Elmo shoots one in the leg and the other in the foot. The cops are called and Elmo gives his report*
Warlock: So we went from John trying to be assassinated to this drug dealer going after Piper?
America: I stopped trying to figure this out.
*Trekkler walks up to Milan and tells him about John. He says to back off Elmo because John is with them. Milan says he’ll back off*
America: No you won’t.
*Somebody (James Lew) spies on John he and Elmo get in a one on one fight*
Warlock: If nothing else the fights are entertaining. James Lew was hilarious in Lethal Weapon 4.
*The dude beats the crap out of Elmo but John takes him down. Elmo says tell Milan he’s smiling. Later in the car, Elmo thinks that the guy wasn’t associated with Milan.
*A bald guy harbors John and Elmo. Suddenly a strike team attacks and shoots at the guy’s house, killing him. John plays dead to fool Agent Norton and two other assassins. John pops up and kills one of them*
America: In a previous life, he must of been a possum.
*The second guy claims to be CIA to get John not to kill him. John knocks him out anyway. Back upstairs John and Norton fight one on one*
Warlock: Two movies in a row I’ve seen Norton as the heel.
*John knocks Norton off a roof. Trekkler reports that the hit on John failed. Elmo and John crash at Mo’s house*
America: I still have no idea what’s going on.
Warlock: Character development is out the window.
*John, Elmo and Mo make phone calls all day*
Warlock: Why doesn’t Elmo and John take turns burying their faces in her ass.
America: I’m not even gonna dignify that idiocy with a response.
*John and Elmo figures out it wasn’t Milan’s goons that attacked. John figures out Elmo’s car is bugged. He pulls behind a tow truck. 5 seconds later the CIA grill the tow truck driver and says they dropped their car off and took a bus. The CIA guys drive off as John and Elmo are hiding in the back. 2 seconds later Elmo and John talk about the CIA involvement*
Warlock: This is jump cutting way too fast.
*Elmo says he fucked up getting involved with John. John agrees. Elmo says he was kidding, John says he’s not*
Warlock: Are we ever going to get a point?
*John kicks a random guy in the head*
Warlock: He just kicked Stan!
*John kicks a barrell and then another guy. The other guy pulls a meat cleaver*
Warlock: Why did he pull a meat cleaver?
*John kicks the crap out of a black guy in a suit*
Warlock: Why doesn’t he take his tie off and strangle him with it?
America: What are you talking about?
*Milan is shown. Its his warehouse. Elmo scoop slams the meat cleaver guy. John and Elmo start wiping out guys left and right. John slides down and air vent and wipes out someone else*
Warlock: Love how he fit perfectly.
*Elmo walks in and says Milan took off. Two goons are waiting for them, John and Elmo casually knock them out.
*Carl tells Weldon they found John in LA. He tells Winston that Trekkler ordered the hit. Meanwhile back at Maureen’s apartment. Elmo puts on country, John changes it to rap. They go back and forth until Mo runs in with a gun and says to get away from the stereo. John says she likes him. Elmo scoffs. Elmo asks Mo if she likes him, she says in his dreams. John then remembers his real name, Jake. Elmo and Mo go get food and John hops a car and heads to Milan’s warehouse. Trekkler and Milan argue about how things are going*
Warlock: Too many jump cuts.
*Milan yells at Trekkler for the CIA being useless. John sneaks around and beats the shit out of Milan men. A gunshot rings out and Trekkler/Milan unleash their men. John is taken hostage by three men. Back at Mo’s, Elmo laments losing them. Elmo knows where to go and Mo hands him her keys. Some random dude holds guard on John and John yells at him. Weldon reports to Winston that they found out John is with Elmo*
Warlock: Mind if I fall asleep?
*John kicks a goon in the gonads*
*John uncuffs himself and escapes custody. Elmo pulls up in Mo’s car to the warehouse*
Warlock: We got 19 minutes left, how are they gonna end this?
America: Oh boy.
*Trekkler and Milan make their arms deal. Milan wants Trekkler’s boss and Trekkler says he’ll be seeing him tonight. Elmo locks in a sleeperhold on a random goon*
Warlock: THE SLEEPER! At least we got to see that.
*Some dude falls asleep and Elmo attacks, steals two briefcases and leaves*
America: You got the jump on a dude who’s sleeping, that’s not a good showcase of your skills. Anybody can do that.
*John attacks Elmo not knowing its him, Elmo opens the two briefcases and money is inside. John says its drug money. He says to kick some ass until the calvary arrives. He says he made a call. Meanwhile Milan says to take out John and Elmo*
Warlock: Well I guess its time for the big finish.
*Elmo takes out another random goon*
Warlock: They should have made it funny by having Piper lean over his shoulder and say “You find anything yet?”
*John pulls a grenade and 3 guys randomly jump out of a window after it explodes*
Warlock: He pulls the pin when they’re outside and less than a second later they jump out the window from the inside???
America: This movie’s getting worse.
*Trekkler “I want these fucks found”
Warlock: Fucks found.
America: Did they not hear the explosion?
*John takes out Trekkler’s right hand man and drops a locker on him*
Warlock: I’m trying to think of something funny to say but I’m failing.
*The right hand man says Milan and Trekkler are using military transports, he should know, he was part of it in France. John doesn’t remember it and he knocks the guy out. John jumps out a window and then the place explodes*
Warlock: How the fuck did that happen?
*Weldon and a team of CIA guys are on their way. Trekkler drops John as the van arrives, distracting Trekkler long enough for John to win the one on one fight. Trekkler grabs a shovel and John gets the upperhand. Weldon then admits he’s the boss. Milan is in the van with Elmo in the back. John remembers Weldon fucked him over two years ago as the chopper carrying Winston arrives. The choppers start firing into the crowd*
America: Now what?
*Winston tells John to let Weldon go. Weldon is arrested but Trekkler tries to get away. A minigun mounted on the chopper blows everyone away as John finishes off Trikkler*
Warlock: What the hell just happened?
America: Not a clue.
Warlock: This movie jumpcuts way too fast.
*Elmo pounces on Milan and beats him up. Elmo commandeers the van and knocks him out, driving back to the warehouse. Weldon gets in a truck but John pulls him out. John and Weldon fight one on one. John hits a spinebuster*
Warlock: Arn Anderson would be proud.
*John finishes off Weldon with a series of spinkicks. Weldon reaches for an ankle gun and he’s blown away by a dude in one of the choppers. The other choppers fire rockets into the warehouse blowing everything to hell*
Warlock: I finally get it. They were drug and gun running so they blew up everything.
*Winston congratulates John as Elmo drives up with the van. Elmo drags Milan out and checks on John. Elmo shakes Winston’s hand and John says Elmo should be compensated. Elmo agrees to something sizeable and tax free. Elmo would rather ride with John. He rambles on as John is loaded into the chopper*
America: Oh Piper.
America: I’m definitely going to say Piper chose the wrong script for this one.
Warlock: He didn’t write it.
America: He still had to read the damn script and say he’s interested. Unless he just puts scripts on the wall and throw a dart, see where it lands and chooses where the dart landed.
Mr. America’s Assessment: I give it a 2…..that was awful.
The Warlock’s Assessment: 3 out of 10….complete crap but not the worst I’ve ever seen. Piper made it interesting but he couldn’t salvage it alone.
Final Grade: 2.5 out of 10 – Abysmal.
*Warlock rises from the couch, shakes his head, throws his hands up and leaves. Mr. America switches back to Crash Bandicoot 2: Cortex Strikes Back*
America: Have a pleasant evening.