*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black leather jacket, NCIS t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a small fishbowl of Dr. Pepper*
Warlock: Welcome to my lair…welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.
*Warlock levitates to his garage where he’s thrown a basketball by Darnell the Delivery guy and Warlock dunks it one handed through the garage hoop. He walks back in the lair*
Warlock: You’re not gonna believe this but its another IT CAME FROM YOUTUBE. Once again I’ll be flying solo on this one.
*Camera pans to empty couch and recliner with a cricket sound effect*
Warlock: This time the others don’t know what they’re missing. I’ve found a rare gem much like KID. Only I don’t know if it will be as good, I just know its that rare. Tonight’s movie is RIOT, released in 1996 starring boxing champion Sugar Ray Leonard. Will it be any good? Let’s find out.
*Warlock takes his seat in the recliner*
Warlock: So let’s get started with Riot.
Directed by Joseph Mehri
Written by William Applegate Jr and John Barmettler
*Warlock reads the tag-line*
Warlock: “An heiress is kidnapped during the chaos of a riot”
Warlock: That is just awful security.
*Movie begins with a riot*
Warlock: Well this movie is wasting zero time. Its called Riot and we start with a riot. Can’t say the title is false advertising.
Warlock: Jeez, were Seattle Supersonic fans THAT upset they lost to the Bulls that year?
*Opening credits with a panoramic view with a singer*
*National guard is called in. People continue to riot*
Warlock: Took 5 whole minutes off the run time.
*Harry Johansen (Kenneth Tigar) gives the scoop that the riots started when police officers opened fire on unarmed civilians they “thought” were gang bangers*
Warlock: 20 years later nothing’s changed.
*Two white girls are listening to the news of the riots, its Christmas Eve*
Warlock: Not exactly the Christmas spirit we’re looking for.
*Anna Lisa Gray (Paige Rowland) is one of the white girls. The other one is scared.2 black gangbangers then rush the two women and take them hostage*
Warlock: Ah lovely, kidnapping.
*Major Shane Alcott (Gary Daniels) gets his mail*
Warlock: Its Bud from the first Ring of Fire.
*Shane walks into his apartment and strips his shirt off. A brother and sister call each other stupid. The brother says he’s going to cook pizza. The sister goes to her room as the brother sticks the pizza still in the box…into the oven*
Warlock: I would call this kid retarded, but I don’t even know retards THAT stupid not to at least take it out of the box.
*Shane bench presses to Tis The Season To Be Jolly*
Warlock: Not exactly pump up music.
*Shane works out*
Warlock: Still not over his loss to Don Wilson’s cousin in Ring of Fire.
*Shane hears the smoke alarm go off in the brother and sister’s apartment. The brother opens the oven and burns his hand in the oven*
Warlock: First of all…TURN THE OVEN OFF. Second of all….USE MITTS….you fool.
*The brother is Bobby (Ramsey Krull) and Sue (Kendra Krull). Shane tells them to open up*
Warlock: Real life brother and sister.
*Shane uses a fire extinguisher on the oven. Later he asks which one of them did it and Sue immediately points to Bobby. Shane “You’re supposed to take the pizza OUT of the box before you put it in”. Shane asks where her mother is. They don’t know. Bobby asks if he was in the army, Shane says yes, in the UK. He’s there to train American soldiers. Shane then get a call from Major Williams (Sugar Ray Leonard) who invites him out for beers. Williams scoffs at him for babysitting*
Warlock: Gee, wonder who their mother is.
*Shane meets Williams at the bar*
Warlock: Sugar Ray Leonard in the house.
*Shane and Williams watch Harry Johansen on TV giving the latest scoop. Shane is interested in the report. Williams turns around and spills a beer on someone’s chest. Its 4 white beer league softballers. Williams tries to apologize but one of them makes a wisecrack about Williams should be out rioting. He says his problem is the spics and the niggers are interrupting their softball*
Warlock: Alright, he’s gonna get his ass kicked.
*Shane tries to diffuse the situation and he makes fun of him for being English. He calls Shane a faggot and he walks away. Williams says he’s had enough and Shane says not yet. “Let’s close the place first.” Shane and Williams block the door with a pool table*
Warlock: Heh, “Now youz guys can’t leave.”
*Shane and Williams beat the fuck out of the softball team*
Warlock: Sugar Ray is just knocking these fuckers goofy, I love it. Only problem is, where the hell is the bartender?
*Leonard goes to the body before finishing him off with a left hook*
Warlock: Roberto Duran is having nightmares if he’s watching this.
*Shane and Williams clean out the entire team and toss four of them out the window*
Warlock: Now that was perfect.
*A military MP has orders to bring Shane and Williams back to the English embassy. “You guys have been kicking some ass, huh?”
*The butler (Hedley Mattingly) greets Shane and Williams. They’re waiting for them in the library. Ambassador Gray (Ron Barker) introduces himself and Agent Devaney (Charles Napier)*
*Anna Lisa and Amy (Anastasia Sakelaris) were kidnapped with a ransom attached. Shyboy (Dex Elliott Sanders) is the one responsible and he’s the leader of the 3rd Street Crips. Devaney says the place is a war zone. Shane is to go in alone and extract her, Williams will fly him in*
Warlock: So Escape From New York only without the death capsules in his neck.
*Shane has a flashback of Anna Lisa doing runway modeling. Shane meets her in the back and he wants to marry her, they kiss. He says he’s getting on a flight and wants her to wait for him. Back to present time, Williams hands him a gun and Shane refuses*
Warlock: Take it!
*Shane takes it. “What am I gonna do with this? Its like a pea shooter.”
Warlock: Better than nothing.
*Shane puts the gun in his sock. Williams is closing in on the drop sight. Air space is clear but watch for ground fire*
Warlock: Just start firing rockets down there.
*Williams wishes he could go with him like the old days. Shane thanks him and says don’t forget to pick him up*
Warlock: Shane jumps without a parachute….movie’s over.
*On the ground, Shane walks the mean streets. Some hoodlum goes to rob Shane and he throws him against a car. Shane walks away*
Warlock: Yeah real tough, insulting Shane as he walks away.
*Some asshole wants Shane to give up his briefcase. Shane disarms him but a street hockey gang chases him*
Warlock: Jesus, how many movies am I gonna watch where they rip off Escape From New York?
*Shane is tripped up by the hockey guys. He then starts dispatching them one by one before running off*
Warlock: The numbers game is gonna be too much but this is funny.
*Shane is pushed down by one of the goons*
Warlock: That’s two minutes for cross-checking.
*Two players are electrocuted*
Warlock: That’s a game misconduct for roughing.
*Shane opens the briefcase with all the money in it. He then takes ome of it out and wraps it in a newspaper, then hides it behind a tire*
Warlock: The hell is that about?
*2 more gang bangers threaten Shane. Shane “Just call me Santa Claus.” Gang banger “Well ho ho ho, motherfucker.”
*Shane is held at gunpoint as Shyboy makes his appearance. He says his mother wanted him to be a preacher. “Problem is, preachers don’t make shit. God gives you salvation, but he don’t give you no Mercedes…..got my fuckin money?” Shane says he’s got half here, the other half when he gets out of there with the two women. Shyboy tells Blaze (Mongo Brownlee) that Shane came prepared. Shane wants to know where Anna and Amy are. He won’t give up the money until then. The 3rd streeters bring out Anna and Amy. Shyboy figures out Anna and Shane are lovers. Shyboy “All along, I thought she was a little bitch.” Shyboy shoots Amy dead and threatens Shane as well. Shane springs to action, shielding Anna and using one of the homeboys as a human shield. Shyboy and Blaze shoot the homeboy dead as Anna and Shane make it out*
Warlock: “Take out your own guy”….whyyyyyy????
*Shane steals one of their guns and opens fire on the Crips, tagging a few of them. Shane blocks them all inside, blows up their car and runs off with Anna*
Warlock: Take that you sons of bitches.
*Blaze opens fire with a rocket launcher, blowing up several cars*
Warlock: Where the fuck did he get the god damned launcher?
*Kathy Austin (Kathrin Middleton) gives the news that Anna is the daughter of the Ambassador and she’s been kidnapped. Harry Johansen gives his scoop as well. Williams wants to go get Shane but Devaney says he’s sorry, they won’t be extracting. Devaney says the plan was never to extract them, he hasn’t told Ambassador Gray yet. Devaney throws a hint that somebody should find helicopter 124DA and go get them. Gray drops the keys*
Warlock: You clever motherfucker.
*Anna and Shane seek refuge in one of the shops. Anna starts crying about Amy. Shane says he’s sorry. Blaze freaks that they lost Shane and Anna. “We gonna find they ass.”
Warlock: And he’s gonna kick yours.
*Anna says they broke their engagement because she hated being alone when he was gone. Shane says he would have given it up for her, he loved her. He loved her so much*
Warlock: Oh well.
*Anna says she had no choice, Shane says she did. He chose to come for her. They embrace*
Warlock: Awww wonderful. Queen mush mush.
*Shane “You got 10 minutes to get to the chopper”
Warlock: GET TO DA CHOPPAHHHHHHH
*Williams yells at Cooper (Evan Lionel) and Cooper says to have a nice flight….sir. Devaney says “God help ya”
Warlock: There’s too much time left for this to be over. Something has to go wrong.
*Williams goes to land near the extraction point. Shyboy and his gang are on their way. Shane tells Anna they have to get to the roof and they’re out of there. They make their move. Shyboy notices Williams is on the roof and he sends his troops up there*
Warlock: Its a race against time!
*Shane wipes out a few Crips but Blaze is in hot pursuit. Shane catches him but is thrown down the stairs for his troubles. Blaze and Shane fight one on one. Shane gets the upperhand and snaps his neck*
Warlock: Take that, motherfucker.
*Shane and Anna make it to the roof. They get in and Williams opens fire on the crips. Williams gets in and they take off*
Warlock: This is too easy.
*Shyboy opens fire with a rocket launcher and hits the chopper*
Warlock: Now that should have exploded.
*Anna nearly falls off the roof they landed on. Williams goes head over heels when a second rocket hits and blows the chopper completely off the roof. Shyboy runs to the ground below and sees Williams hanging by a thread. Shane has Williams but barely, Anna struggling to pull them up. Shyboy taunts them from below. Finally Shane loses his grip and Williams falls to his death*
Warlock: Wow, that was tense. Shocked they went with the sad ending.
*Shyboy celebrates until the O’Flaherty’s show up on the roof. Bryan (Patrick Kilpatrick) set this whole thing up while Patrick (Scott Shepard) scowls. Anna pulls Shane up as Bryan says the mission is to kill them and find the money. Shane recognizes them. Shyboy bitches and moans that this operation got 5 of his best men killed. Patrick makes a racist crack and Shyboy calls Bryan a peckerwood. Shane says the O’Flaherty’s are IRA. Her kidnapping wasn’t random, it was a revenge ploy to draw Shane out. Shane and Anna run off*
Warlock: Great, now Sugar Ray’s gone, he’s all by himself.
*Bryan and Patrick make fun of Shyboy and Shyboy says give him one more chance and he’ll get Anna back. Bryan gives him the double talk before Patrick shoots and kills Shyboy and his last remaining man. Bryan grabs the briefcase of money and tells his men to find Shane and Anna*
Warlock: Still got about 40 minutes left. Way too early for this to end.
*Shane tells Anna to run for it alone, he’ll stay behind to deal with the O’Flaherty’s. Anna refuses to go without him. Shane kisses her and tells her to go*
Warlock: Not smart, sending her out on her own, no weapons….ugh.
*Two guys on motorcycles look for Anna and Shane. Shane wipes one of them out but it alerts the other to his position. He runs from the other a bit before catching him one on one and dispatching him. Meanwhile someone jumps Anna and she fights him off*
Warlock: Tougher than she looks.
*Shane shoots one of the attackers dead with a shotgun. He pulls out his ankle gun and wipes out two more men*
Warlock: The late Williams with the assist.
*Shane shoots another two guys with the gun*
Warlock: Out of ammo now.
*Shane blows another guy away with an uzi*
Warlock: Where’d he get that? Up his ass?
*Shane caps more attackers in ski masks*
Warlock: If all these guys are IRA, this is a fuckin army. How did Devaney and Ambassador Fray not see this coming?
*Someone rides a bulldozer after Shane. He escapes as more cars explode*
Warlock: Can we get anymore useless explosions? Yeesh.
*Anna hides from the remaining O’Flaherty men but is taken hostage when she reveals her position. She’s stabbed in the side and Shane beats the fuck out of the guy responsible. Shane and Anna stagger off as Patrick runs up and yells at the guy for letting them get away before shooting him*
Warlock: “Take out your own guy”….Shane never had to kill Shyboy or this guy. Makes his job easier.
*Shane and Anna run for it but Anna loses too much blood. Shane has to carry her. Shane knocks on Fred Baker’s (Thom Barry) door. Jenny (Kyla Pratt) was watching TV. Shane says they need help and Fred says sorry, he can’t. Fred pulls a shotgun on them and tells them to beat it. Shane carries Anna away and Jenny says maybe they should help them. Fred’s wife Charelle (Darwyn Carson) gives him the business and says she’s gonna look outside. Meanwhile Shane is sent away by another house. Charelle leads them back to Fred’s house. Shane tends to Anna as Fred looks on*
Warlock: You mean old bastard.
*Fred asks if Shane is married to her, Shane says no. Fred says he hasn’t seen a field dressing like that since Vietnam. Shane tells Fred what happened to them. Fred “I don’t want to know no more”*
Warlock: Too late.
*Fred admits the shotgun is empty, he doesn’t keep live ammo around kids. Fred is dejected because he doesn’t have any presents for his daughter for Christmas. He spent 16 years as a street worker, got laid off*
Warlock: That’s sad.
*Peter tells his troops to search every house and if they resist, shoot them on the spot. Meanwhile Kathy Austin reports the helicopter crash. Shane tells Fred to look after Anna because there’s something he has to do.Fred “Well I figured you weren’t going to be waiting for a taxi.”
Warlock: Cabbie from Escape From New York shows up.
*Shane says goodbye to Anna and runs outside*
Warlock: 20 minutes left, gonna have to drag this out.
*Shane kicks the crap out of O’Flaherty’s men. Patrick “I’m gonna kill this fucker!” Bryan “Watch your back, he’s tricky.”
Warlock: Gonna kill this fooker!
*A bunch of goons on the motorbikes circle around Shane. Shane sticks a pipe in one of their exhausts and the goon goes head over heels through a window*
*Shane grabs a clothesline and uses it as a swing to knock down more guys before hanging another with it*
Warlock: Nice going Tarzan.
*Another guy jumps through the fire only to ride into a car door and take a header*
Warlock: JUMP IN THE FIREEEEE
*Shane sets another guy on fire who just rides after him*
Warlock: Ever heard of stop drop and roll?
*Guy kamikazes himself trying to kill Shane, it fails*
Warlock: That didn’t work.
*Shane wipes out two more guys in ski masks. Suddenly more guys in masks open fire led by Patrick. Patrick reports to Bryan that they have Shane pinned down, tells Bryan to get down there*
Warlock: Spoke too soon.
*Shane wipes out the goons leaving Patrick one on one. Shane and Patrick insults each other. Shane and Patrick fight one on one. Shane wins the fight, sets Patrick on fire and shoots him dead with an uzi*
Warlock: One down, one to go.
*Jenny asks Charelle if Anna is gonna die like grandma*
Warlock: That’s pretty morbid.
*Jenny wants to wait for Santa but Charelle says he doesn’t come when she’s awake. Charelle puts her to bed as Bryan finds Patrick. “Oh christ…NOOOOOO!!!”
Warlock: Take that you piece of garbage.
*Bryan calls out Shane on a walkie talkie and guarantees he’s going to kill him. Shane answers on Patrick’s radio. Shane figures out the plan was for the O’Flahertys to steal the ransom money from Skyboy’s gang, then ask for another ransom to make even more money*
Warlock: That is ingenious.
*Bryan promises Patrick he’ll kill Shane when Shane himself jumps out and punches him*
Warlock: Final fight already? 10 minutes left.
*Shane and Bryan fight one on one. Shane gets the upperhand but Bryan’s men interfere and chase him into a parking garage*
Warlock: Figured they had to drag this out somehow.
*Bryan chases Shane with a car while Shane runs. Shane eventually jumps on the car. Shane falls off and gets in his own car. Chase scene develops*
Warlock: Oh come on, just have the one on one fight and end this.
*Shane manages to grab a firehouse from the inside of his car and fool Bryan into driving out a window 40 feet below where the car explodes while Shane swings to safety using the hose*
Warlock: Yeah, like that’s not cliche or anything.
*Harry Johansen reports that the streets are quieting down again. He gives a monologue as Jenny wakes up to a present under the tree. It says “To the Bakers, love Santa.” Jenny opens it*
Warlock: Is it ticking?
*Jenny opens the box and its the ransom money Shane hid earlier. Meanwhile Shane carries Anna through the streets. End credits*
Warlock: Kind of a weak ending on Shane’s part but good for the Bakers.
The Warlock’s Assessment: I give it a 4.5 out of 10. The movie was lame duck, cookie cutter and cliche but it had its moments. Sugar Ray Leonard beating the fuck out of people and one of the main villains getting set on fire is always a good thing. Still, there was nothing special, bunch of useless explosions and a lame plot that seemed like somebody decides to remake Escape From New York. Not the worst but not good either. If its on network TV at 3 AM and you have nothing better to do, why not?
Final Grade: 4.5 out of 10 – Below Average.
*Warlock rises from the couch*
Warlock: Another cookie cutter action movie but I got it for free on youtube so its mot like I wasted money on it. Hooray for small victories. That about wraps up another below average adventure, have a pleasant evening.