*The Warlock opens the door to his lair and staggers out. He’s wearing a New England Patriots Superbowl 51 Champions hat and t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. Hes holding an empty glass*
Warlock: Holy fuck….too bright….welcome to my lair…I guess. Im your host The Warlock…..
*Warlock goes to shoot a fireball but nothing comes out of his hand*
Warlock: Ah fuck it.
*Warlock walks inside and walks over Mr. America who’s passed out near the doorway*
Warlock: As you can see, the Superbowl was last night and after a big win, we’re all partied out.
*Thug D is sitting in the recliner wearing a jean jacket with band patches on it, a Superbowl 51 Champions t-shirt, black jeans, sneakers and Oaklies shades*
D: Speak for yourself. I’m ready dor more. What are we watching today?
Warlock: Tonight…er today…we are doing Surviving The Game. The 1994 action drama starring Ice T, Gary Busey and Rutger Hauer.
D: What’s it about?
Warlock: Ice T is a homeless bum being hunted by Busey and Hauer.
D: Sounds interesting.
*Warlock goes to sit on the couch but Lady T is passed out on it. Warlock goes and gets a kitchen chair and Mr Wallstreet is passed out in the other chair. He sets it up next to the recliner and sits*
Warlock: So let’s get this hangover party started with Surviving The Game.
Directed by Ernest R Dickerson
Written by Eric Bernt
*The Warlock reads the tag-line*
Warlock: “A homeless man is hired as a survival guide for a group of wealthy businessmen on a hunting trip in the mountains, unaware that they are killers who hunt humans for sport, and that he is their new prey.”
D: Doesn’t sound racist at all…nooooo.
*Opening credits with Jack Mason (Ice T) homeless on the streets*
Warlock: I didn’t know his rap career suffered THAT bad.
*Thomas Burns (Rutger Hauer), Doc Hawkins (Gary Busey) and two others shoot their first guy (Stephen Lambert) with a gun and a bow*
Warlock: Sounds promising.
*Jack’s dog is hit by a taxi. The passenger (Jacqui Dickerson) and the driver (George Fisher) are irate. Jack is pissed and eats a right hand from the driver. Meanwhile Jack and his friend Hank (Jeff Corey) find a gun. Jack wants to know what kind of gun it is. “Check the barrel and don’t point it at me”
D: Some incredible dialogue here.
*Hank and Jack go to steal meat. A security guard (Bob Minor) beats up Hank and Jack chases him with his own nightstick*
Warlock: Too bad the gun jammed, the movie would have been over.
*Homeless man eats*
D: Lead singer of Anthrax right there. Looks like an older Joey Belladonna.
*Hank wants to give Jack a pep talk after 2 years on the streets. Hank says when he has his confidence back, he’s supposed to fight and never look back. They hug and walk back to the fire*
Warlock: Making me hungry.
*Jack wakes up and finds Hank dead*
Warlock: Must have had internal bleeding from the night before.
*Jack buries Hank next to the dog that was killed earlier*
Warlock: This guy just can’t catch a break.
*Bag lady (Sheila Scott) and Walter Cole (Charles S Dutton) hand out food to the poor. Jack blows him off*
D: “Mother fucker is gonna get a free lunch whether he likes it or not”
*Jack goes to run in front of a truck. Walter tackles him and gives him a speech about not killing himself*
Warlock: If he didn’t stop him, the movie’s over.
D: First we get a gun lesson, now we get a life lesson.
*Walter wants to know Jack’s background. He said his wife and kid are dead. Walter says if he was offered a good job, would he be interested. Jack says no. Walter says he’ll be at the Mission every day and goes to walk off. Jack asks what kind of job. Walter hands him a business card for Thomas Burns and says to look him up*
Warlock: And so it begins.
*Jack lights up a cigarette he finds on the ground before peering in the window*
Warlock: Ever heard of knocking.
*Thomas answers the door*
Warlock: Rutger Hauer in the house.
*Thomas says he doesn’t look like a hunter, Jack says he says the same about Thomas. Thomas asks how much he smokes, Jack says as much as he can get. Thomas goes to fire him but Jack says he’ll hop on the treadmill. Thomas says if he lasts 20 minutes he’ll give him 20 bucks. Jack makes it and Thomas pays him*
Warlock: Nice one.
*Jack is staying at the Bruce Motel. The hotel clerk (Lawrence C McCoy) yells at him*
D: The guy next to him is so ugly. He looks like an old Gangrel.
*Jack strips and takes a shower, scars all over his body*
Warlock: He’s been in some wars.
*Jack cuts his dreadlocks and goes to bed. He gets a knock on the door*
Warlock: “Room service!”
*Jack opens the door, its Thomas. Thomas asks how his body got burned, Jack says “Playing with matches.” Thomas says they’ll take care of food and lodging, he gets 500 a week and a 200 dollar bonus. Jack asks Thomas what he gets off on killing for, Thomas says its not about death or killing, but life. He says they’re going to Hell’s Canyon*
D: This is definitely theatrical. Hey isn’t that Ace Ventura’s plane?
*Thomas flies a plane to Hell’s Canyon, Thomas says just the way they like it. They brought a pig named Frank along. Thomas says they’re not hunting the pig*
Warlock: The pig won best suporting actor.
*Walt is Thomas’ co-pilot. The three of them unload the plane as another one flies overhead*
Warlock: Mr. America would know what plane that is.
*Jack checks out the main lodge but a door is locked shut. Jack pulls out a six pack from the fridge and watches as two more men arrive. Derek Wolfe Senior (F Murray Abraham) and Derek Wolfe Junior (William McNamara) are father and son hunters. John Griffin (John C McGinley) is the 5th man along with Doc Hawkins. They introduce each other and eat Frank the pig*
Warlock: At least they didn’t show it.
*Hawkins makes a toast to the animal within themselves. “Here’s a toast for the hunters and the hunted”
Warlock: So its 6 against 1.
*Jack has no idea why they all love hunting so much but he doesn’t care. John loves the food and compliments Walt. Senior cracks a joke that makes Jack do a spittake. Doc says you’re devouring the pig’s soul and Thomas says that scares even him*
Warlock: Love how Jack keeps pointing the head away from him.
*John asks where Jack is from and Jack says he doesn’t like getting personal. Doc asks him if he’s ever killed anyone. Jack says his wife and kids. John goes berserk and says he’s gonna kill him tomorrow.Senior throws him out and says he lost his daughter a few months back. Jack asks how Doc got his scar. Doc tells a story how they trained a bulldog to be an attack dog. His father made him fight and kill the dog to make him a man*
Warlock: That was a hell of a monologue.
D: This was when he started to look like shit
*Thomas leads Jack to his room. Jack thanks him and Thomas says he’ll tell him about the job tomorrow. Next frame is an outside shot*
Warlock: Nice scenery.
*Jack is woken up at gun point by Walter. Thomas reveeals that JACK is the one they’re hunting. Walt says he gets a head start as long as it takes them to have breakfast. If he makes it to civilization, he lives. If not, may god have mercy. Thomas throws him out. He and Walt shoot at him to get him to run away. Junior protests and Senior throws him against the wall and says he paid 50 grand for this, don’t disappoint him*
Warlock: He’s as fucked up as the father Doc mentioned.
*The 6 hunters talk at the breakfast and Jack is running. Doc is raring to go but Thomas says enjoy breakfast first. Junior doesn’t want to eat and leaves. Senior says he better go along and makes a 3 thousand dollar bet that Junior will draw first blood. They all take off on motorbikes and quadrunners after Jack*
*John wants him first. Doc says he doesn’t see anything*
Warlock: Why is he dressed in war paint?
*John says he saw Mason. Doc says he shot and killed four trees*
*Jack makes it back to the lodge. He looks for a spare gun. Thomas says he’s going back to the cabin, no one’s done that before. Jack breaks open the locked door. All the victims heads are there. Jack “These are sick motherfuckers”. He grabs the propane and gasoline he off loaded from the plane and douses the whole cabin. The hunters make it back*
D: These guys are pretty lousy hunters.
*Senior runs up the stairs and Jack sets the cabin on fire. Doc runs out and gets in a one on fight with Mason. Senior is trapped in the house*
D: Man jump out the fuckin window.
*Junior runs in and grabs Senior as Doc continues to beat up Jack. Thomas and Walt pull the Wolfe’s out. They’re alive. Jack tosses Doc in the cabin when it blows*
Warlock: Wow, he went first?
D: I’d figure he’d be last.
*Junior sees Jack run off but doesn’t say anything. Later by the campfire Junior protests again but Thomas grabs him and asks him where Jack is. Junior doesn’t answer so they ride off. Meanwhile Jack sees a wolf*
Warlock: Right out of Resident Evil 4.
*Jack jumps off a cliff to the water below as John uses an inhaler. He bitches that Senior took a shot at him. Walt drags John away “I’m going to have to put a bullet in his ass. I see that now.”
*Jack lights up a cigarette*
Warlock: Smokey the Bear ain’t gonna be happy.
*Jack uses the cigarette to draw them out. John takes another inhaler shot. They figure out there’s no one there when there are 3 cigarettes lit in a tree. John investigates anyway as Walt and Thomas laugh about it. Jack pounces and John is knocked out*
Warlock: He Bruce Lee’d him.
*Thomas calls for John and Jack takes him inside a cave. Thomas calls John but Jack commandeers. Jack says fuck Thomas and he wants him one on one. He says he wants safe path home or John dies. Walt says “We’re gonna find you because I can smell your stinkin ass from here.” Jack calls him a sellout*
Warlock: This is gonna be a fun ending.
*Jack yells at John and John says to kill him already. Jack refuses and says he’s having some fun. Thomas spots the cave he’s in and says he’s gonna get him at dawn. Back in the cave John says if he kills him, he’ll never make it out anyway.John yells at him but wheezes himself, Jack gives him the inhaler*
D: I love that he has an inhaler.
*John reveals a black man killed his daughter. Jack “Ain’t that a bitch.” Jack then reveals he was a mechanic that worked night and day, living in a fucked up part of town. Jack says the place wasn’t safe but nobody cared. One day he came home late, the place went up in flames, claiming the lives of the wife and kid. He blames himself*
Warlock: He didn’t kill them, it was an accident.
*John figures out that Jack didn’t really kill his family. Next morning Junior, Senior, Walt and Thomas enter the cave. Only John is there and they free him. Junior gives John food and water. John says he wants out because Doc is dead and Jack let him go. John says he won’t squeal on them, Walt agrees. John says he’s done and he won’t stop them but he’s out. Thomas says he’ll shoot him in the back. John turns around and Walt shoots him in the head, killing him. Junior screams at the top of his lungs for Senior to do something*
Warlock: He screams like a girl. Also, its one of my pet peeves. “Take out your own guy.”
D: That was without a shadow of a doubt the worst acting I’ve ever seen.
*Thomas and Walt pull a gun on Senior and say they’re all in this together. Senior says this is more than just Jack. Jack chimes in and taunts them saying he’s got a gun now. He fires a warning shot but Thomas just laughs at him. He taunts Walt saying his mom is up here. Walt calls him a faggot and takes off after him*
D: Can’t say that anymore.
*Jack hides in a log as the four remaining men walk past him. Walt figures out they went the wrong way.*
Warlock: “There he is shoot em!”
*Jack fucks with one of the quadrunners and takes off on another one. Thomas shoots him down and Walt starts up his quad….KABOOOM!*
Warlock: I called it.
*Walt’s legs are blown off and Thomas holds him saying he has to put him down. He strangles him slowly and Walt dies. Senior and Junior are distraught*
Warlock: What Junior should have done is just kill Thomas right then and there. The movie’s over.
*Thomas looks on ahead as Senior and Junior talk alone. Junior says he’ll help him finish off Jack but he’ll never forget it because he’s not like Senior*
Warlock: Powerful words.
*Jack shoots a tree down and walks across it as a bridge. Senior, Junior and Thomas go to cross it*
Warlock: Just kick the tree off, movie’s over.
*Thomas makes it across but Jack pops up and throws rocks to scare them. Senior crawls to save Junior and Jack pops up again only to be shot in the side by Thomas. Junior slips and falls to his death*
Warlock: They’re going backwards with the kills. You’d think Busey would be last or the kid.
*Senior slowly loses his mind as Thomas says when it gets dark. They’ll wait for Jack to come to them. Thomas says to be still and patient and they’ll get him*
Warlock: 17 minutes left, they better hurry up being patient.
*Senior and Thomas set up shop and wait for Jack. Senior freaks out once darkness falls*
D: “You killed my sonnnnn!”
*Senior says he doesn’t have a gun and starts shooting*
Warlock: Waste all your ammo, good idea.
D: “That wasn’t a gun”
*Senior gets punched by Jack. They fight one on one with Thomas in sniping position. Jack wins and snaps Senior’s neck. He shouts for Thomas who takes off on his motorbike*
D: It went from night to day in 10 seconds.
*Jack rides after Thomas in the quadrunner*
Warlock: Now its total daylight out.
*Thomas goes to fly the plane away and Jack runs up only to see the cockpit empty. Thomas shoots the plane until it explodes and thinks Jack is dead. He flies off on the other plane*
Warlock: There’s 10 minutes left, this can’t be the end.
*Thomas gets up unharmed and we cut back to the city. Seattle, three days later*
Warlock: Once rode a horse to Seattle.
*Thomas gets a call from Melinda Wolfe who’s worried. Thomas lets it go to voicemail. He then puts makeup on and military gear*
Warlock: He’s gonna try to flee the country.
*Thomas gets in his car but it won’t start*
Warlock: He was a mechanic, remember?
*Thomas walks down a dark alley dressed as a Russian priest*
Warlock: If this was a ghetto, he would have been shot on sight.
*Thomas finds the motorcycle as Jack stalks him, laughing*
Warlock: Now who’s the hunted.
*Thomas and Jack fight one on one. Jack gets the upperhand and Thomas says this is the moment he was waiting for*
D: What a fuckin weirdo.
*Jack disarms Thomas and walks away. Thomas goes to shoot him from behind. Jack “There’s something you should always do when you find a gun.” Thomas shoots and blows his own head off. Jack “Always check the barrel.”
Warlock: Nice one.
D: Ugh, finally.
Thug D’s Assessment: Fuckin 4 out of 10. It was a pretty lousy movie, the second half was a little bit better. Pretty good makeup and effects but poorly acted and bottom of the barrel for action movies. I still love Ice T though.
The Warlock’s Assessment: I give it a 7 out of 10. I disagree about the bad acting, that’s what gave it the charm. The order of death was a little bizarre but at least the kills were fun.
Final Grade: 5.5 out of 10 – Above Average
*Warlock rises from the couch*
Warlock: I thought it was damn good, sorry if you didn’t, D. It was a typical popcorn movie with a short but sweet cast. It had character development and an easy to follow plot. I thought it was good. That about wraps up another above average adventure. Have a….
*The bedroom door opens and Neyzor Blades walks out. She goes to get the newspaper*
Warlock: Neyz? Neyz!
*Neyz suddenly trips and falls over Mr. America, landing on him*
D: Saw that coming.
Warlock: Have a pleasant evening.