211. Guarding Tess (1994)

tess

*The Warlock and Neyzor Blades are sitting at the kitchen table playing Go Fish. The Warlock is wearing an H.L HUNLEY t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. Neyzor Blades is wearing standard attire*

Warlock: Do you have any….fours?

Neyz: Here…..

Warlock: Do you have any…two’s?

Neyz: Go Fish.

Warlock: *Screams* SON OF A BITCH!!

Neyz: Its just a game. Do you have any six’s?

Warlock: Go Fish.

Neyz: Weren’t we supposed to watch a movie?

Warlock: Ohhhhh yessssss!!! Come, we’ll finish the game later.

*Neyz reluctantly takes her seat in the recliner*

Neyz: What’s in store for tonight?

Warlock: Tonight’s movie is Guarding Tess, the 1994 comedy where Nicholas Cage plays a Secret Service agent that has to protect Shirley MacLaine against his will.

Neyz: Wasn’t this Lady T’s movie?

Warlock: Yes, she donated it, everything’s better when movies are for free.

Ney: I hope its better.

*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the recliner*

Warlock: So let’s get started with Guarding Tess.

 

Directed by Hugh Wilson

Written by Hugh Wilson and PJ Torokvei

 

 

*Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “A former U.S. First Lady wants a particular Secret Service agent to head her bodyguard detail, even though he can’t stand her.”

Neyz: Go..away…with this!

 

*Tristar pictures*

Neyz: That cloud is pretty cool.

 

*House is shown*

Neyz: Is that New England?

 

*Doug Chesnic (NIcholas Cage) brings breakfast to a door*

Warlock: He’s saying goodbye to a door.

 

*Doug says goodbye to the cooks. They gawk at him. Doug then drinks on the plane*

Warlock: Who needs a plot or a point?

 

*Opening credits to orchestral theme with panoramic view of Washington DC*

Warlock: The boat in the water won best supporting actor.

 

*Doug asks where he can put his bags*

Warlock: “Up your ass!”

 

*Doug is asked to return to bodyguarding Tess Carlisle (Shirley MacLaine) by the President (Hugh Wilson) himself*

Warlock: So instead of having him assigned to her, this movie is going the opposite direction where he’s already been assigned but has to go back. So the cliche of “Meets client, they can’t stand each other, they get along by the end” goes right out the window.

 

*Earl Fowler (Austin Pendleton) is listening to the radio while smoking. Frederick (Richard Griffiths) is reading the morning paper. Doug walks in*

Warlock: “Ahhhh he’s back.Runnnnn!!!!”

 

*Doug tells Earl to quit smoking. He complains Tess never comes down there anyway.*

Neyz: So what is she, a first lady? A queen?

Warlock: I don’t know, this movie isn’t explaining anything.

 

*Fred playfully insults Doug and he walks upstairs to deliver breakfast*

Neyz: Weren’t we just there.

 

*Doug walks in Tess room who’s cutting newspapers up*

Warlock: So much for Washington Post.

 

*Doug asks Tess why she asked for him to come back. She says she likes him. Doug says he’s  S.A.I.C. and she forgot what that meant*

Warlock: Is she supposed to have alzheimers or something?

 

*Tess says he didn’t come back on his own, he would have stayed in Washington. She asks if he’d rather watch Mr Ed or opera. He says “Mr. Ed in a second.” Tess throws him out*

Neyz: What is her prolem?

 

*Doug complains about Tess and then watches the news where secret service agents are pressed into action. Tess hits the security alarm to draw Doug’s attention. She wants to play golf in 38 degree weather. She shouts for Kimberly Cannon (Susan Blommaert)*

Warlock: She was in Pet Semetary.

 

*Tess plays golf badly while the agents are all freezing. Doug stonefaces her*

Warlock: This may be the one movie where Nicholas Cage’s non-acting actually works.

 

*Tess hits golfballs all over the places. She tells Doug to go get a ball, he says no. He calls Ralph (Don Yesso) over. Doug lays rules down but Tess counters. Doug leaves with the golf cart*

Warlock: Address the ball, hello ball!

 

*Doug tells his cowokers about the golf incident. He gets a call from the President himself*

Warlock: The voice of the President is the movie’s director and writer.

Neyz: Hmmmm.

 

*President asks why he ripped up her rose. President says he owes a lot to Tess and shouts at Doug to get along with her*

Neyz: That’s gotta suck. Look at his face.

 

*Fred sings opera to a stunned Earl*

Neyz: That’s you.

Warlock: Hardly.

 

*Doug says the opera is Mozart. Lee Danielson (David Graf) bitches about the movie Amadeus. Ralph tells Lee not to shoot himself with the uzi he’s holding*

Neyz: There’s a caption for you.

 

*Kim, Lee, Fred, Ralph, Tess, Earl and Doug all pile into cars to go to the opera*

Warlock: Do people really gotta do this shit?

 

*Doug says they’re not leaving until she buckles up. They don’t move. Lee is totally confused*

Neyz: Hahahaha

 

*Tess finally moves and Earl starts the engine. Fred “These family outings are always so stressful*

Warlock: Oh god.

 

*Doug’s car is listening to opera music. Ralph’s car is listening to Shout by Otis Day and The Knights*

Warlock: Hahahahahahhahahahahahhahahaha

 

*Opera singers (Michael Consoli and Julie Kurzava) belt out tunes as Fred watches intently. Doug is stoic, Tess falls asleep*

Warlock: This movie came out in 1994, she was only 60. They’re making her look 80.

 

*Doug trips her on purpose as Ralph facepalms*

Warlock: Love how Fred’s got the binoculars.

 

*Tess wants to go home and doesn’t want his help. She gets a standing ovation coming out of the theater. The agents are totally confused. An old lady sneaks up on her*

Neyz: Uh oh, we got an assassin.

 

*Lee is looking after Tess and Tess had 5 nip bottles. Doug tells Lee to get rid of them. He puts them in his pants*

Warlock: Its too bad David Graf died in 2001.

 

*At the gas station, Lee asks who’d win between Ali and Tyson. Tom (John Roselius) answers Ali. Lee asks who’d win, Tess or Nancy Reagan. Tom says Tess with an 8th round knockout*

Warlock: Hahahaha

Neyz: Premium unleaded is 1.24 a gallon.

Warlock: Ah the good ol days.

 

*Tess tells Ralph to get her a Baby Ruth. When he leaves, she tells Earl to leave them behind. He drives off and the others have to speed to get back to her position. They can’t find her. They all left Fred behind*

Warlock: Poor Fred.

 

*Sheriff Janson (Noble Willingham) puts Doug on speaker so his presinct can laugh at him. Everybody laughs and Nick hangs up*

Warlock: Sucks to be him.

 

*Ralph wants Doug to calm down before talking to Tess. Doug says to tell Earl to meet him in the office. In the office Doug beats the crap out of him. Earl tells them that he lives there and they’re just employees. Doug fires him anyway*

Neyz: Don’t fire Earl.

Warlock: Yeah really, what an asshole.

 

*Tess explains that she just wants privacy. Doug tells Tess he fired Earl. She shouts that he’s staying. Doug pleads for her to let him go. She says he can go anytime*

Warlock: Well that was easy.

 

*Tess says she did something crazy and Doug should do as well. He needs to live a little. Tess calls the S.S.a bunch of gunmen. Doug says he’s leaving and that she can refuse S.S. anytime. Doug yells at her for employing 7 men and no women to keep as servants and she yells at him to get out*

Neyz: She’s a widow, misses her husband and just wants to have a good time.

 

*Doug is on the crapper reading*

Neyz: Really? Do you think he enjoyed doing this scene?

Warlock: Yes, this is an integral part of the movie.

Neyz: What do you suppose inspired this scene.

Warlock: That she’s inconveniencing him all the time.

 

*Doug answers the phone in the bathroom, the President yells at him again. “How much doo-doo do you think I would catch if that happened?”

Warlock: The director sounds like a redneck, it works.

 

*The agents are all fired. Jimmy (Stephen S Chan) refuses to let them in. Fred says they’re holding Tess hostage for 100 dollars*

Warlock: He’s the best character in the movie.

 

*Doug wants to be let in but Earl won’t let him and demands an apology. Barbara (Katie O’Haire) is sent home. Ralph, Lee and Doug secretly tail her car driven by Earl*

Warlock: Once again, this movie is pointless.

 

*Tess gets a cat scan*

Warlock: Maybe she really does have an inoperable tumor.

Neyz: That thing is massive.

 

*Kimberly goes through the mail and finds a letter. She hands it to Tess who says Barry (Edward Albert) is on his way. Its her son*

Warlock: Him I recognize.

 

*Barry and Tess shares bonding moments. He’s trying to sell her a retirement home investment and wants her endorsement. She says no. Barry leaves*

Neyz: Why?

Warlock: Basically he’s using her to endorse his garbage.

 

*Tess watches the NYC Christmas tree lighting*

Warlock: I heard some kid was lost in New York 2 years earlier.

Neyz: Durrrrr

 

*Tess tortures herself watching her husband’s death news and march*

Neyz: Awwww, she misses him, that’s sad.

 

*She rewatches Doug crying during the funeral*

Warlock: Here comes the face turn.

 

*Doug pours coffee and Tess knocks on his door, scaring him into spilling it everywhere*

Warlock and Neyz: Hahahahahahaha

Warlock: He threw it on the dashboard!

 

*Doug apologizes to Tess and she goes on a rant saying taxpayers are spending hard earned money to make sure old people are taken care of. She invites him in for coffee*

Warlock: Ha.

 

*Tess wants a belt, not coffee. She invites him to get smashed. He says yes*

Warlock: This may get interested.

 

*Tess laments her daughter and Barry growing up in this kind of world. She says she and Jim the ex-president, her husband, really loved each other. Tess reveals she knew Jim was sleeping around and Doug says the secret is safe with her. Tess wants to go to the bar and Doug accepts*

Warlock: This just got better.

 

*Tess asks about Doug’s background. His father is a retired cop and he was married once for 7 months. He says everyone knew what she was really like except him. He says its embarrassing to be married just for 7 months. Next day Earl, Fred, Tom and Jim prepare breakfast and Tess says to get the cars and the machine guns ready in an hour. She wants Fred to do situps*

Neyz: Hahaha

 

*Tess tells Mr Porter (Kelly Williams) how she wants things done. She then calls Washington dull. Doug goes over the security detail and a firing range*

Warlock: Take cover!

 

*Tess goes grocery shopping incognito. The manager (Gerald F Gough) asks if she wants to be known. Doug shakes his head. Manager “We don’t know her, we don’t know her”

Neyz: That’s Crozby’s when Cyndi Lauper shows up.

 

*Bob (Brant Von Hoffman) wants a price check for peas. Two for 59 cents special*

Warlock: We’ve lost interest in peas.

 

*Tess fakes someone is smoking to get the agents to run around*

Warlock: Do something crazy, hah.

 

*Kimberly gets a fax*

Neyz: What did it say?

Warlock: Doesn’t say anything, you have to look at it.

 

*Kimberly gives the fax to Doug to give to her because she doesn’t have the heart to. Tess is getting her hair done*

Warlock: Now she looks 60, not 80.

 

*Doug informs Tess that the president is NOT coming. Tess sadly says they can relax now. Yvonne Boyer (Matilde Valera) is coming in his place. Tess gives her speech anyway and thanks her for coming*

Warlock: Well she kept it classy.

 

*Doug knocks on Tess’ door. Tess wants to go on a picnic in the morning, snow be damned, just with Doug*

Warlock: He’s starting to get it now.

 

*Tess falls asleep in the chair. The next day Tess has a picnic alone with Doug standing nearby. She tells him to leave her alone. Even Earl is told to wait by the car*

Warlock: What the hell is this about?

Neyz: She just wants to enjoy life. She’s lonely and misses her husband. Stuck in the house, stuck with Secret Service. Can’t enjoy anything.

 

*Tess falls asleep by the lake, Doug checks her pulse*

Warlock: She’s dead, movie’s over.

 

*Doug loads her in the car and goes to get her chair. Earl then speeds off without him. Tess is still passed out*

Warlock: Wait, this isn’t right, she’s not laughing.

 

*Doug gets picked up at the gas station. He gets picked up by Lee and Doug calls Tom, tells him to call the Sheriff and say they’re out joyriding. Hours go by, she’s still not home. Doug tells Barbara to call Washington. Doug says this is the worst moment of his life*

Warlock: This doesn’t feel right.

Neyz: She was asleep.

 

*Howard Schaeffer (James Rebhorn), Charles Ivy (Dale Dye) and others get off a plane where Doug is waiting. Howard says this is a kidnapping and Doug has to report it*

Warlock: 26 minutes left, this can’t be the end.

 

*Mr. Harrison (Mark Conway) says the president will still be up. Howard tells Doug to come with him. President doesn’t want to talk to Doug. Charles says Doug disgusts him*

Neyz: What a jerk.

 

*Janson is on the phone, they found Earl knocked out on the side of the road and Tess gone. Howard tells the President that Tess has been kidnapped*

Neyz: That’s sad.

Warlock: They’re not explaining anything.

 

*Ben, Lee, Ralph, Tom, Doug, Joe (James Lally) and Kenny (Harry Lennix) watch the crime scene*

Warlock: The Magnificent Seven

Neyz: Can we get on with it now???

 

*Howard walks in next morning with an update. The driver was knocked out with injected drugs and there was a burn on the back of his neck. They think it was a Middle Eastern terrorist organization. He reveals that Tess has an inoperable brain tumor. Doug stonefaces him. The ransom note found is for 15 million dollars*

Warlock: I’ll take half.

Neyz: They’re not giving it to you!

 

*Howard wants the agents cleared out. Doug says to the other six men to get their personal stuff and get out. Bob asks about the middle eastern terrorists. Kenny says this doesn’t make sense. Doug figures out she’s been gone 22 hours and 30 minutes. Tom wants to ride with Doug. Kimberly walks up to Doug crying that Tess hired her when others wouldn’t. She storms off and Doug puts his shades on. Tom lights up a cigarette in his car and Doug spins around. He figures out that Tess woke up and used the cigarette lighter on the back of Earl’s neck*

Neyz: So much for the terrorists theory.

 

*Doug and Howard question Earl. Howard brings a nurse (Marie McKenzie) to inspect the burns. They match the lighter. Once the nurse leaves Earl tries to pin it on Doug. Doug and Howard move in and name him a suspect. Doug asks where she is and Earl doesn’t answer. Doug pulls a gun in Earl and Howard fakes being concerned. Then he gets concerned when Doug threatens to shoot his toes off. He pulls his own gun but Earl gives up that his sister and his brother in law kidnapped Tess. Earl says they made him do it. Next frame has the kidnappers (Jane Beard and Michael Gabel) being arrested with Doug showing up to find Tess. The brother in law buried her alive. Howard says she was buried so deep that they had no plans to let her go. The agents led by Doug quickly dig her up and she’s still alive*

Warlock: Yayyyyyyy

 

*Tess is medflighted to a hospital. Doug and the 6 others rush to the cars to get to the hospital. The chopper quickly lands and the pilot throws Charles and the other Washington guys off so Doug and the others get on. They all fly to the hospital*

Neyz: Awwwww

 

*Tess asks where Doug was and what took him so long. Howard says Doug shot Earl in the toe. Tess playfully insults Doug for going to the firing range so much for nothing*

Warlock: Hahahahaha

 

*Tess gets a phone call from the President. Tess says to have Doug taken care of, charges dropped and she hangs up on him. She bitches about leaving in the wheelchair that the orderly (Michael Echols) prepared. Doug tells Tess to get in the goddamn chair. Tess “Very good Douglas, you’ll be alright.” She’s wheeled out to a standing ovation*

Warlock: Heh, a real American hero.

 

*End credits*

Warlock: We survived.

 

Neyzor Blades Assessment: Not as shitty as I thought it would be. I give it a 6.

The Warlock’s Assessment: I give it a 5.5. Kind of a blah movie but it did have funny moments. It was kind of pointless until the last 15 minutes but it made up for it at the end. Not the worst but not great either.

Final Grade: 5.5 out of 10 – Above Average

 

*Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: Eh, not the worst but not the best either. It was worth a one time watch but its not really an action movie. If you’re looking for Con Air, you’ll fall asleep. If you’re looking for something better than Vampire’s Kiss, you found it. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a game to win.

*Neyz and Warlock return to the kitchen table*

Warlock: Got any….threes????

Neyz: Go Fish!

*Warlock pulls a card*

Warlock: I GOT IT! I GOT IT! I GOT A THREE! I GOT A THREE!

*Mr. America barges through the door and jumps up and down with Warlock*

Warlock: I GOT A THREE! I GOT A THREE!

*Mr Wallstreet runs in the door pumping his arms and the three of them celebrate out the door. They run in a circle when Thug D and Lady T run up and dump a gatorade barrel over Warlock. They all put Warlock on their shoulders and carry them down the street*

America, D, Wallstreet, T: FOR HE’S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW, FOR HE’S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW, FOR HE’S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW!

*Neyz stands in the doorway looking completely confused*

Neyz: What the fuck was that? Have a pleasant evening.

 

 

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