197. The Patriot (1998)

patriot.jpg

*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing an Adidas New England Patriots #12 Tom Brady jersey, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a glass mug of root beer*

Warlock: Welcome to my lair…welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock gets in a 3 point stance and runs into the lair*

Warlock: Its game day at the lair. Tonight the Patriots take on the Houston Texans in the AFC Divisional Playoffs. Before we get to the game, I pulled a special movie out to watch.

*Mr. America is in the recliner wearing a Reebok #54 New England Patriots Tedy Bruschi jersey, blue jeans, black combat boots and aviator shades*

America: Special? What’s so special about it?

Warlock: What better way to celebrate the Patriots than to watch The Patriot!

America: Ahhh the Mel Gibson movie.

Warlock: Nooooo, the Steven Seagal movie.

America: I don’t think I’ve seen that one.

*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*

Warlock: Good, me neither. So let’s get this party started with The Patriot.

 

*Warlock reads the tagline*

Warlock: Steven Seagal is a….

*America cuts him off*

America: Ex CIA Agent…OR…a former operative!

Warlock:…..no.

America: What?

Warlock: “A respected doctor must race against time to find a cure for a lethal virus, unleashed by a paramilitary leader”

America: How are they gonna explain his fighting skills?

 

*Opening credits*

Warlock: Oh, this movie sucks.

America: Its JUST the credits!

 

*Sunrise*

America: The sun rises over Steven Seagal

 

*Frank (LQ Jones) and Dr.Wesley McClaren (Steven Seagal) herd cattle to administer antibiotics*

Warlock: Neyz would like that.

 

*Wesley and Frank hear a noise and ride their horses to investigate*

Warlock: This can’t be good.

 

*Frank spots a dying calf and reaches for his gun to put it down. Wesley says to put the gun away and they ride back into their ranch holding it*

Warlock: Seagal is gonna put YOU down if you reach for that gun.

 

*Frank doesn’t think Wesley can cure this one*

Warlock: If it works, it’ll be a miracle.

 

*A military standoff is occuring in Montana with Floyd Chisolm (Gailard Sartain) a neo-nazi, running a militant group. He says FDR never should have sent the American troops to fight in World War 2*

Warlock: Wow, what an idiot.

 

*Floyd goes on an anti-military rant and calls the military the real tyrants. Floyd “You men are the real Americans”

Warlock: I am a real American, fight for the rights of every man.

America: Not quite.

 

*Floyd says he’s gonna walk out the door and surrender but put a monkey wrench in their plans before it gets started*

Warlock: The movie would be over.

 

*Holly McClaren (Camilla Belle) is Wesley’s daughter. Frank tells a Mississippi joke*

Warlock: I’m stealing that.

 

*Frank leaves and Wesley/Holly share bonding moments. She walked up the hill without Seagal’s permission*

Warlock: He’s gonna beat the crap out of her isn’t he?

America: Ughhhhhh, you are unbelievable.

 

*Pogue (Silas Weir Mitchell) injects Floyd with some kind of virus and Floyd walks out, surrendering*

America: Too easy.

 

*Floyd smirks as he’s arrested. Wesley drives Holly to school*

America: Are they gonna show anything?

 

*Frank flags down Wesley. Frank says Floyd surrendered, Wesley is suspicious*

Warlock: Yeah, there would be no movie if this was the end.

 

*Wesley calls Floyd an asshole*

Warlock: He’s right.

 

*Floyd is being led into a courthouse. He’s representing himself without a lawyer. Wesley drives by with Holly looking scared*

Warlock: Nice set up.

 

*Wesley pulls into a parking space*

Warlock: And he runs over the pedestrians.

America: This is not GTA.

 

*Judge Tomkins (Douglas Sebern) and Floyd share greetings. They play a tape of Floyd saying he’s breaking no laws. Tomkins said he can get him for weapons charges. Floyd ignores him until he stands up*

Warlock: Speech time.

 

*Floyd says he doesn’t recognize the court and spits on Tomkins*

Warlock: Grosss.

 

*Wesley’s assistant (Ayako Fujitani) hands Wesley a file. He treats a kidney for a patient and says he can pay him back by fixing his file cabinets*

Warlock: Heh, try getting away with that now.

 

*Richard Bach (Dan Beene) says he’s putting together an anti-biological hazard team and he wants Wesley to join. Richard says Wesley is the best and is wasting his talent. Richard is ordered by his boss to call the next man on the list. Richard says there is none*

Warlock: Next man up.

 

*Floyd is locked away. Meanwhile Tomkins starts coughing and gagging*

Warlock: Something’s wrong.

America: HA! Ya think?

 

*Molly (Molly McClure) is treated and she hands Wesley a combat knife as payment*

Warlock: So one guy fixes cabinets and another pays with a knife. Beatnick towns, gotta love em.

 

*Holly and her friends (Kelce Beene and Callie Strozzi) talk about boys*

Warlock: That’s that dude Richard’s real life daughter.

 

*Wesley is called in as an emergency while driving Holly home. He says he’s gonna have Frank come get her as he drives to his call*

Warlock: He better not kidnap her.

America: Why?? He’s the good guy!

 

*Wesley tells Holly playfully “No dating until you’re 40”

Warlock: Yeah, imagine trying to keep her out past 11?

 

*Wesley walks into the ER and Doctor Tom Hergot (Bernard O’Connor) says “Holy shit, I’ve never seen anything like it.”

Warlock: Hahahahahaaha

 

*Judge Tomkins is covered in lesions and sores*

Warlock: Ahhhhhh! What the fuck?

 

*Doctor says his temperature is 106*

Warlock: Jesus christ.

 

*The deputy that brought Tomkins in collapses. Doctor ask what’s going on. Wesley remembers the “Plastic beakers” quote from Richard earlier and says there’s a level 5 biohazard going on*

Warlock: I survived a level 4 once.

America: Don’t make me laugh.

 

*Wesley calls Richard and confronts him about the bug and says he needs the team there NOW*

Warlock: Oh NOW he gets into it.

 

*Richard says they need a containment set up, this is not a drill*

Warlock: This is not a drill.

America: Nope.

 

*Military personell in bio-suits empty out of jeeps. Colonel Harvey (Robert Harvey) says no one gets in or out*

Warlock: SHOOT EVERYBODY!

America: Why?

 

*Frank looks around confused when a state of emergency is declared. The clinic is full of sick people. He asks what’s going on. Wesley says its gonna get ugly*

Warlock: So think of this movie as Outbreak starring Steven Seagal instead of Dustin Hoffman.

America: Outbreak was better.

 

*Choppers are shown*

Warlock: What are those.

America: Jet rangers.

 

*Wesley greets Richard and says he told him it was gonna happen*

Warlock: I CAN’T HEAR YOU!

America: Shaddup.

 

*Wesley shouts at Richard he needed to destroy this virus sooner. Richard says it’ll kill them in two days. Wesley says do they have an antidote. Richard says yes*

Warlock: Well at least they got the antidote.

 

*Wesley stands over Tomkins dead body and asks how the virus got out. Richard says a militant stole it and sold it before they bagged him. He killed himself in custody*

Warlock: Let me guess, Floyd bought it.

America: Noooo, ya don’t say.

 

*Doctor Tom walks in and says they have 94 infected, 5 dead*

Warlock: Yeesh, virus works faster than in Outbreak.

 

*Tom says he’s fine for now. He brings Tomkins’ sample and Richard says to burn it. He tells Wesley that smart bombs are going to be microscopic in the future. They won’t target buildings, just people. Wesley says they need to stop it*

Warlock: Maybe this isn’t going to be a fighting movie.

 

*Wesley tries to explain to Holly what’s going on. He has to draw her blood. “No cowgirls are afraid.”

America: If he’s doesn’t do any fighting, he’s playing a character out of his wheelhouse.

 

*Pogue disguises himself to get past security at the prison. The guy frisks him*

America: If he’s carrying something, its in his hat!

 

*Pogue takes his hat off*

America: I was mistaken.

Warlock: Idiot.

America: Well it could have been.

 

*Pogue visits Floyd and says they’re both sick. Floyd says he needs a shot. Pogue says his antidote doesn’t work, it only slows it down. Pogue says they’re BOTH dying and he warned him about it. Floyd says to go get the REAL antidote. Pogue says the army is protecting it. Floyd says take HIS army to fight them*

Warlock: Okay, taking forever but here comes the fighting.

 

*Line of sick people are in line to get the antidote. Frank talks with Molly and says its the cows getting them back for all the burgers*

Warlock: Hahahahhaa

America: If that’s the case, I’m fucked.

 

*Frank intimidates a hazmat guy and Wesley says to leave him alone*

Warlock: Bully!

 

*Molly “Owwww, watch it son, I ain’t no dartboard”

Warlock: Trevor wants to chuck a few.

 

*Pogue and Floyd’s army storm the jail and break out Floyd*

Warlock: That was quick.

 

*Floyd’s army storms the clinic and starts shooting the military personnel. They wipe out the entire military force and take over the building. He kicks all the citizens out. He exposes Richard and says “welcome to the real world.” Pogue grabs the antidote and says its the same batch he had. He tells Richard it doesn’t work. Richard stammers the virus must have mutated*

Warlock: In other words, we’re all fucked.

America: Shit outta luck.

Warlock and America: HARDWIRED TO SELF DESTRUCT.

 

*Richard says they don’t have long. Wesley says they’re all walking dead men thanks to Floyd. Pogue then says someone has natural biotics that can fight off the virus. Pogue looks up who it is, its Holly. Floyd knows who it is and tells Pogue to find Holly. Wesley confronts him and says everyone’s fucked because of him. Pogue looks for Holly*

Warlock: Wow, this really is an outbreak ripoff.

 

*Pogue finds Holly and Floyd shoots Tom. Wesley pulls the knife Molly gave him and takes Pogue hostage. He then makes his way out to the lobby where he takes out some militants*

Warlock: Here’s your fighting 45 minutes into it.

 

*Wesley grabs Holly, runs out and hops in Frank’s truck. They drive off. Floyd rallies the troops and says they need Holly but Wesley is expendable. Frank drops Wesley and Holly home as Frank drives off. Wesley creates a DARPA badge*

Warlock: The chief isn’t gonna like this.

 

*The militants are on their way to Wesley’s but Frank is waiting with loaded guns*

Warlock: Hahahahaa

America: Niceeeeeee

 

*Holly hears banging and goes to investigate*

America: She’s got a bat, she’s fine.

 

*Holly finds the sick calf from earlier which is actually a little pony that’s back to normal*

Warlock: Well THAT antivirus worked.

 

*Frank tosses a stick of dynamite that blows one car and causes a second to crash into it*

Warlock: That was nice.

 

*Body is shown*

Warlock: He ain’t getting up.

America: No but Frank’s asking to get shot by stepping out into the open. If he gets shot, this is on him.

 

*Frank caps a survivor. One is still alive behind Frank as he does a victory dance. Frank is shot from behind and killed as Wesley caps the last survivor*

America: And that is the reason why you go around stabbing bodies just to make sure.

 

*Teenager (Phillip Winchester) reports to Floyd that all the militants sent to strike Wesley are dead. He’s pissed*

Warlock: You got thwarted motherfucker.

America: For now.

 

*Wesley and Holly build a campfire. Holly asks why they brought Frank’s body with them. Wesley says Grandpa (Leonard Mountain Chief) will give him a proper burial. Holly says thinking of her mom and Frank makes her sad. Wesley says think of something nice instead*

Warlock: Nice bonding moments.

America: Awwwwwwww.

 

*Next morning Holly says she dreamt about mom. Holly asks if Dr. Ann White Cloud (Whitney Yellow Robe) is with Grandpa. Wesley says he hopes so. Ann greets them with a rifle*

Warlock: Yeah, great welcome party.

 

*Grandpa, Ann, Wesley and Holly pay respects to Frank when he’s buried*

Warlock: This means WAR!

 

*Pogue says they got the antidote but they need Holly’s blood to make it work. He then shoots at Richard with an empty gun to scare him*

Warlock: Dr. Strange over here.

 

*Wesley says Ann is immune too just like Holly. Ann says its payback for smallpox. Wesley says not funny but true*

Warlock: Yeah, you HAD to bring that up?

 

*Wesley says he’s heading to a secret lab to work on the antivirus. Grandpa admires the horse Wesley rode in on. Grandpa gives him tips*

Warlock: Yeah they’ll be safe, for about 5 minutes.

 

*Ann says she’ll go with Wesley to the secret lab. They ride together*

Warlock: So this movie is 1/4th western, 1/4th Outbreak, 1/4 Seagal and 1/4 Die Hard.

America: What I love is the western elements of the movie, the music they chose doesn’t even fit. They’re trying to make this a serious movie but the music is spaghetti western.

 

*Holly stays behind with Grandpa to share bonding moments*

Warlock: If nothing else they’re character developing.

 

*Wesley and Ann find the lab. Meanwhile Floyd demands Pogue needs a shot to buy some time. The teenager gets up and walks away. Pogue says they need the internet to help them*

Warlock: Compuserve.

 

*Wesley uses his fake badge and credentials to get into the lab*

Warlock: Well that was easy.

 

*Private Benson (Jeff Tillotsen) let Wesley in and he’s now Article 15*

Warlock: The hell is that?

America: Don’t know.

 

*Lt Johnson (Damon Collazo) goes to arrest Wesley and he disarms everyone and puts a gun to Johnson’s head. Everyone drops their weapons. Wesley says take him to the lab. They’re all infected. Wesley and Ann go to work on the cure*

Warlock: I’m surprised they didnt shoot him.

America: There wouldn’t be a movie.

 

*Montage of cure research with Johnson now helping out*

Warlock: Guess he forgives Seagal.

 

*Lab beakers bubble*

Warlock: Would you drink that?

America: No!

 

*Wesley administers anti-virus to the lab military personnel. It doesn’t work*

Warlock: Well that didn’t work.

 

*Johnsoj’s men start dying one by one. Meanwhile the news reports Floyd’s prison break is now national news. Pogue used the internet to rig it so the government is blamed, not them. As Floyd walks off, the teenager gets wise to Floyd’s mission. He confronts him about it. Floyd says its not over yet*

Warlock: Yeah, you all got sick for nothing.

 

*Only two men are left, Benson and Johnson*

Warlock: How come Seagal isn’t infected?

America: They haven’t done a good job explaining.

 

*Benson dies leaving Johnson last man standing. Wesley goes apeshit and starts throwing shit around*

Warlock: Well this sucks.

 

*Wesley asks what’s keeping Johnson alive and Ann figures out there’s something in the tea he’s been drinking. He asks what kind of tea it is and she says its Grandpa’s recipe. Native American music plays as Wesley injects Johnson with a new serum*

Warlock: Love the Native American background music.

 

*The militants are all sick and dying wandering the streets*

Warlock: Walking Dead 10 years earlier.

 

*Johnson walks in the lab, he’s getting better. Wesley celebrates. Ann and Wesley leave Johnson there*

Warlock: What’s the purpose of him still being there? His men are all dead. Shouldn’t he go with them?

 

*Wesley and Ann return to Holly and Grandpa. Holly and Wesley go home and are ambushed by Floyd’s men. They’re taken to Floyd’s compound*

Warlock: Well they had to end this somehow.

 

*Floyd confronts Wesley and they exchange barbs. Wesley says he’s got the cure. They drink a toast and Wesley stabs Floyd in the head then shoots two of his guards*

Warlock: Well that was easy.

 

*Pogue grabs Holly and uses her as a hostage. Wesley disarms him and he begs for mercy. Wesley says he won’t kill him and drops him with a right cross*

Warlock: He left him alive, that’s bad news.

 

*Wesley calls Harvey and says he’s coming with the cure. He needs his help finding the flowers*

Warlock: Oh boy, time to flower pick

America: First movie I’ve ever seen where a flower picking scene is a crucial part of the movie.

Warlock: You’ve never seen Frankenstein?

 

*The flowers are released through the air by the choppers as Grandpa and Ann ride their horses into town. Holly rides Missy the pony*

Warlock: Well this was a peaceful ending.

 

*End credits with Native American theme*

Warlock: Short and to the point.

 

Mr. America’s Assessment:  I give it a 4.

The Warlock’s Assessment:  I give it a 5.5. Not one of Seagal’s greatest movies but it wasn’t the worst either. It had an easy to follow plot and it was kept short and sweet. Kind of an easy ending though.

Final Grade: 5 out of 10 – Average.

 

*Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: Hmmm, definitely not one of Seagal’s better movies but not one of his worst either. This was the beginning of Seagal’s straight to video releases and it had that quality. They kept it simple with this one, find cure for outbreak and get the bad guys. All in all its an average movie.

America: Ok then, its gametime. By the way, if they lose, I figured out what you’re going to watch.

Warlock: What is it?

America: I’ll tell you…later.

Warlock: Ah lovely…have a pleasant evening.

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