*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black leather jacket, black t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a 20 ounce bottle of pepsi*
Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.
*Warlock closes his eyes and the lights dim, he opens them and enters the lair*
Warlock: Tonight’s feature isn’t going to be for the weak of heart. We’re taking a break from cheesy horror to bring something more realistic and legitimate scary. For that alone, I brought in Thug D to witness this one.
*Thug D is sitting in the recliner wearing a jean jacket with band patches, Iron Maiden t-shirt, black jeans, sneakers and Oaklies shades*
D: Tell them what we’re going to watch.
Warlock: Tonight we take a look at I Spit On Your Grave, the 1978 realistic horror flick starring an aspiring writer who’s raped and left for dead by four men only for her to take revenge on them.
D: Take revenge? That’s putting it lightly.
Warlock: We don’t want to spoil it do we?
D: No, I guess not.
*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*
Warlock: So let’s not delay this any further, its time for I Spit On Your Grave.
*Warlock reads the tag-line*
Warlock: “An aspiring writer is repeatedly gang-raped, humiliated, and left for dead by four men whom she systematically hunts down to seek revenge.”
D: Basically in horror movies, don’t rape someone. It’ll turn out very, very bad.
*Movie begins in New York*
D: *sings* New Yawkkk…New Yawkkkkkk
*Jennifer (Camille Keaton) pays a hotel porter (William Tasgal) and drives away and we get the opening credits*
Warlock: Only 12 people listed in this movie.
D: Well they don’t have to pay anyone.
*Jennifer drives down the road*
D: On my own againnnnnnn
*Attendant says hi*
Warlock: I’m Eddie.
D: Hi Eddie.
*63 cents for gas*
D: For that price….wow
Warlock: 5 dollars to fill your tank. They thought it was expensive back then.
*Jennifer strips naked*
Warlock: Woah this movie just got better.
D: So far we’ve had the pointless gas station scene and now a nude scene.
Warlock: One out of two ain’t bad.
*Jennifer swims in a lake*
Warlock: Definitely pointless.
D:Hello? Hello plot? Plot anywhere?
*Jennifer in ripped, tight jean shorts puts clothes away*
Warlock: That’s better.
*Jennifer finds a gun in a drawer*
Warlock: SHE’S GOT A GUN!!!
*Jennifer gets a knock on the door*
*Nerdy guy walks into Jennifer’s cabin*
D: Also starring Louis Tulley
*Matthew (Richard Pace) is the nerdy guy. Jennifer says she’s a short story writer. He eats an apple and asks if she has a boyfriend. She says she has many. He then asks if he can be one of them*
Warlock: Dude has no game but it works.
D: She has a pretty fantastic body, I will say that.
*Matthew rides away on a bike with a playing card on the spinner*
D: You’re alllll dooooomed.
*Matthew rides into tree branches checking her out*
*Matthew meets up with Johnny (Eron Tabor), Stanley (Anthony Nichols) and Andy (Gunter Kleeman) and brags about seeing Jennifer’s tits. He then asks what they want to do that night*
D: Let’s rape somebody.
*Fisherman asks where Matthew is, he’s taking a dump*
*Harmonica dude asks if women shit. Fisherman dude says all women are full of shit*
*Fisherman dude is Stanley. Smoking dude says they need to hook up Matthew with a broad. Stanley scoffs at him. Harmonica dude says he’s going to Sunset Strip to get chicks*
Warlock: He’s right about that.
D: We’re acting.
*Jennifer goes canoeing*
Warlock: Watch out for Jason Voorhees to pull you in.
*Jennifer writes down storylines while laying in a hammock*
Warlock:What is this plot you mentioned?
D: Yeah there really isn’t a story.
*Stanley and Harmonica ride by on a speed boat and wave to Jennifer*
Warlock: War, Famine, Pestilence and Death.
D: Horsemen are drawing nearer.
Warlock: On leather steeds they ride.
Warlock and D: They come to take your liiiiiiiiifeeeeeeeeeeeee
*Stanley and Harmonica do donuts to distract her from riding*
D: Look at us baby, look at us.
Warlock: Go get that fun.
*Jennifer types on a typewriter*
Warlock: Remember typewriters, typos were evil.
*Somebody whistles for Jennifer outside*
D: Come on out bitch!
*Jennifer walks outside to check out the noise*
D: I would have just sat there and then went to sleep.
Warlock: Yeah really, there would be no movie.
*Guy makes shhshing noises outside*
D: Chhhh chh chhhh chh ah ah ah ah….oh wait wrong movie.
*Jennifer walks back inside*
D: They’re in the houseeeeeee.
Warlock: Can we get some story here?
*Jennifer lays in a canoe*
Warlock: Alright, we get it,can we progress the story now?
*Stanley and Harmonica return on the speed boat*
D: Here they come to wreck the day.
Warlock: Hey baby remember us?
*They do donuts around her and she swings an oar at them as they whoop and holler. They grab the tow line and pull her along*
Warlock: Yeah that’s a lawsuit waiting to happen nowadays.
*Harmonica and Stanley drag her to shore, taunt her and chase her. She throws a branch out them and continues to run. She runs straight into Smoking dude who rips her top off. Harmonica dude is Andy. The third guy is Johnny. They call out for Matthew to rape her and he refuses. Johnny makes Matthew hold her down and he rapes her first*
Warlock: He’s making the worst sounds. Nobody sounds like that.
Warlock: Hey man no nutting, the rest of us have to get some too.
D: These movies were trying to recreate Deliverance.
*Jennifer crawls away as Johnny tells Matthew to go get her. He continues to refuse. He picks up Jennifer and she staggers away. He refuses to go after her as one of the guys says he’s gonna die a virgin*
D: I say the remake was better.
Warlock: Well this was 1978, not much you can do.
*Jennifer staggers through the swamped woods naked*
Warlock: Oh that’s gotta suck.
D: Yeah, no acting involve. Just walk through like you normally would.
*Andy’s harmonica is heard*
D: Uh oh, they’re gonna get her again.
*Andy is sitting on a rock playing the harmonica*
D: Where the fuck has she been going?
Warlock: He could join Aerosmith.
*Johnny nearby puts his gas station attendant uniform back on. Andy’s song picks up as Johnny walks toward her. Theys tare at each other. Nearby is Stanley who walks toward her. Matthew is hiding behind a tree*
Warlock: Ready for round 2?
*Andy throws Jennifer down. The others hold her down and Andy hits her from the back.She screams out*
Warlock: What the fuck. Nobody moves like that.
D: They had to make it as violent as possible.
Warlock: That was the fakest thing I’ve ever seen.
Warlock: Two down, two to go.
D: Are they gonna let her wander off for another 20 minutes?
Warlock: We got another hour and 7 minutes to go, so why not?
*Jennifer is passed out on the rock. The four guys walk away. Eventually she wakes up*
Warlock: I can see where this is going, it just took forever to get there.
*Johnny, Andy, Matthew and Stanley take the boat and oar with them, throwing her bikini bottoms into the lake*
Warlock: Now for the revenge portion.
*Jennifer staggers back to the cabin covered in mud, blood and scrapes*
Warlock:How??? They took the canoe and oar with them.
*Back inside Jennifer crawls around in her robe*
Warlock: May want to take a shower.
*Jenniferuses a rotary phone to call for help*
Warlock: If you miss a digit you’re fucked.
*Stanley from out of nowhere steps on the phone, she bites his leg and he slaps her around. Stanley continues to kick her around as Matthew takes a few swigs of liquid courage but he continues to be hesitant*
D: Come on Rick Moranis, you’ll never get another shot at this.
*Matthew strips naked and sings*
Warlock: What the fuck? Hahahaha
*Matthew finally rapes Jennifer. He says he can’t cum because they’re distracting him.*
Warlock: Turn around then you idiots.
*Matthew gets up before he finishes and Andy makes fun of him. Andy then mocks Jennifer’s writing*
D: I’m actually surprised this guy can read.
*Andy, Johnny and Stanley continue to mock the writing*
Warlock: Stanley hasn’t done shit yet.
*Andy rip up the script she was writing as Stanley mounts her with his pants on. Stanley starts slapping her around and Johnny’s had enough. He, Matthew and Andy drag him away*
Warlock: You didn’t get any Stanley, ha ha!
*Johnny says they can’t just let her go. Johnny hands Matthew a switchblade and tells him to finish her off*
D: What, can’t do it yourselves? You fuckin pussies.
*Johnny coaches Matthew on how to stab*
Warlock: We’re 48 minutes in and we’re still not in revenge mode. She’s either gonna wipe them out in rapid fire or all at once.
*Matthew goes inside the cabin*
D: They probably wanted him to do it so they could pin it on him.Plus they probably didn’t have the semen identifying technology back in 1978.
Warlock: This would be one of the worst movies ever if he actually did it.
*Matthew creeps up on Jennifer but can’t stab her*
Warlock: Stab her in the butt and say you did.
*Matthew wipes some blood on the end of the knife*
Warlock: Ahhhh, I know where this is going.
*Matthew runs back with the bloody knife and Johnny says good boy before they ride away on the boat*
Warlock: NOW its time for revenge plot 52 minutes into it.
D: Slowwwwwww moooooooooo
*Jennifer in the shower tries to wash herself*
D: Oooh that’s gonna sting.
*Jennifer all covered in cuts, bruises and scrapes lays in bed crying*
Warlock: What do you think modern day feminists think of this? They’d have heart attacks.
D: Well they do get theirs in the end.
*Jennifer walks down train tracks*
Warlock: She gets hit by a train, movie’s over.
D: Driven by the four rapists.
Warlock: 3, the fourth guy didn’t do shit but just smack her around.
*Jennifer sits on the rock as her canoe floats by*
D: My boattttt.
Warlock: Turn it into a mega death boat with torpedoes. Blast the rapists out of the water.
D: As insane as that is, that would be cool.
*Jennifer ties her canoe to a tree then tries to piece together the story she typed*
Warlock: This is gonna take forever too.
*Jennifer types out a new chapter*
Warlock: Jesus, you may have VD, see a doctor or something.
*The four men eat at a diner, the waitress (Traci Ferrante) asks what they want*
D: She’s probably some local girl the director asked if she wanted to be in this one scene.
*Matthew looks sad as Johnny smokes. Johnny says there’s no exciting news going around. Johnny asks if they’ve been by Jennifer’s cabin. Johnny says its been two weeks. Stanley says the cops may be waiting for her*
D: Let’s talk about this even louder. Waitress will be like “What are you talking about?” They’ll be like “Oh nothing, we just raped and killed a lady.”
*Matthew gets a sundae*
Warlock: That sundae won best supporting actor.
*The four men lament leaving the body there. Johnny slaps Stanley who shouts that Matthew killed her*
Warlock: Ok, can we get to the revenge plot now?
*Johnny apologizes and says drinks are on him*
D: Oh okayyyyy
*Andy and Stanley ride by Jennifer’s cabin to check if she’s still alive, she stares at them. The very next frame is Andy, Stanley and Johnny beating the shit out of Matthew*
Warlock: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAA!!!!!!!!! That’s the best part.
*Johnny, Andy and Stanley throw him on the street with his bike and Johnny says they never want to see him again. He cries as he rides off. Next frame is Jennifer loading her gun and going for a drive*
D: *Hums the James Bond theme*
*Jennifer hits up a church all dressed in black*
Warlock: Forgive me father as I’m about to rip the balls off four men who raped me. The priest is like “Here, I’ll hold them down for you.”
D: No, watch…out come the rapists in Priest outfits. “Oh, this is what we do on Sundays.”
*Jennifer rides up to the gas station where Johnny works. Johnny’s two kids (Tammy and Terry Zarchi) and his wife (Alexis Magnotti) show up*
Warlock: Those are the director’ss kids. Also nice twist to have him as a family man when he’s not a rapist. He’s probably gonna be the last to go.
*One of the kids “I hate fishing, its boring”
D: I’m gonna shove a hook in your mouth kid and use you for bait.
*Nearby Matthew gets on a bike with groceries and rides away*
D: He’s off to shrink his kids.
*Jennifer places an order for grocery delivery*
Warlock: Oh yeah, Matthew is the delivery guy. Guess he’s going first.
*Matthew is asked by his boss (Ronit Havib) to make a delivery to Jennifer’s cabin. He’s reluctant about it as he sees a butcher (Isaac Agami) cutting open beef*
D: What’s fucked up about the movie is that they KNOW she’s alive and they’re not doing anything about it. In the remake within 24 hours she has her revenge so they didn’t have time to plot and plan.
*Matthew rides up to the cabin and Jennifer is outside waiting for him. She tells him he came super fast and walks away, leading him into the woods. He pulls out a butcher’s knife*
D:Put the knife down before you stab yourself in the nuts.
*Matthew shouts “I hate you! I hate you!” Jennifer “What did I do to you?” Matthew “I have no friends because of you!” Jennifer “I thought we were friends.” Matthew “You’re here just for the summer, what about the rest of the year?” She disrobes for him*
Warlock: We got bush.
*She goes to take his pants off*
Warlock: She’s gonna bite his dick off, ughhhh, I don’t want to see that.
*She allows Mattthew to do her*
Warlock: What’s that called, Stockholm Syndrome? Falls in love with the captives?
D: That’s not the case here.
*Matthew does her but she ties a noose around her neck she had tied to a tree. She strings him up with his pants down and she lynches him*
Warlock: The cops are gonna have a field day with this one.
*Jennifer pushes him as he swings*
Warlock: How’s it hanging Matthew?
*Jennifer throws the bicycle into the water*
Warlock: Aww that’s a perfectly good bicycle. What did the bike ever do to you?
*She picks up Matthew’s knife and walks away. She calls up the grocery store and the delivery guy never showed*
*Jennifer pulls up to the gas station where Johnny is working. He says they’re closed and to come back tomorrow. She plays with her hair and just stares at him. Johnny “I knew you were gonna like it here.” He gets in the car and she drives off*
Warlock: Wait, he’s next? He and Matthew were the only two characters of substance. Why keep the others last, who cares about them? Johnny is the ring leader and Matthew was the sympathetic lackey, why get them first?
*Johnny exits the car and Jennifer pulls a gun on him. She makes him disrobe and he starts blaming Stanley. She makes him get on his knees*
*He pleads saying he has a family. She knows and asks what kind of man does that. He says any kind of man would have done what he did*
Warlock and D: What?????
*Johnny continues to plead his case. She lets him take the gun and he tosses it aside*
Warlock: Why didn’t he just shoot her there?
*Jennifer says she’ll give him a hot bath. Next frame is at Jennifer’s cabin. He’s in the tub and she asks about his kids. He says one is 10 and the other is 9. He says his wife is okay*
*She asks about his friends. He says they’re not his friends. They hang on him like leeches. He despises people who don’t work. She says Matthew works and Johnny says he’s a half idiot that’s gone missing. She mounts him in the tub*
D: She’s actually hotter than the A-list actresses at the time.
*She massages his shoulders. He says god bless her hands. She coldly tells him she killed him. He doesn’t believe her. She says he choked him to death with a rope. He says she has a fantastic sense of humor. She says she let him do her before she killed him and he actually came. She reaches underneath the towel and pulls out the knife*
Warlock: She’s not gonna do what I think she is, is she?
*She cuts his dick off in the tub*
*She puts her robe on and leaves. He screams “OH MY GOD WHAT HAS SHE DONE TO ME??”
*She locks the bathroom door*
D: Gonna let him bleed to death.
*He continues to scream as she puts on a record*
D: Almost gets sick watching it
*She rocks in a rocking chair as Johnny finally stops screaming. Later she burns all the clothes as he’s in the basement*
Warlock: Ohhhhh yeah.
*The wife and kids sit at the station and she gets pissed and throws Stanley and Andy out of the station*
Warlock: Right in front of the kids, nice.
D: Kids back then were tougher.
*Andy and Stanley grab an ax and head toward Jennifer’s cabin*
Warlock: Okay, okay, its gonna end right here. I can dig that.
*Jennifer lays in the hammock as the boat approaches. She leaves as they pull up. She swims out to the boat with Andy on shore watching. She shoves Stanley into the water and does donuts in a circle around him as he cries out for Andy*
D: Ahhhh I’m balding.
Warlock: Alright this is taking too long. Why doesn’t he just swim away?
*Andy runs out screaming at Jennifer as he drops the ax in the boat. Andy grabs Stanley and tries to swim to safety*
D: *Hums the Jaws theme*
*Jennifer rides by with the axe and buries it in Andy’s back. He’s dead. Stanley continues to flail away*
Warlock: Why did they save him for last?
*Stanley pleads and she allows him to clim but the motor*
D: That’s a real nice place to sit.
*Jennifer “Suck it bitch” and she turns on the motor, gutting Stanley. She rides off as he bleeds out*
Warlock: Never will understand why these two clowns were last.
*End credits with Jennifer continuing to ride*
Warlock: The hotel guy from the first scene was the special effects dude and the production manager.
Thug D’s Assessment: As an artistic film it was a 2 out of 10 but as a genre film I give it a 7. So I give it a 2 and a 7
The Warlock’s Assessment: I give it a 7 out of 10. It was frightening to watch someone slowly go insane after getting raped repeatedly, but it was satisfying to watch the rapists get it. Each one of them deserved what they got.
Final Grade: 7 out of 10 – Great
*Warlock rises from the couch*
Warlock: Now that was not a cheesy horror movie. That was hard hitting and legitimately frightening. Something like that can and does happen on a daily basis minus the revenge plot. With cameras at every turn, its a lot harder to get away with rape, which is not a bad thing. Anyone can get behind someone cutting the dick off someone that rapes them. That about wraps up another good adventure, have a pleasant evening.