*The Warlock is sitting at his kitchen table. He’s wearing a black leather jacket, black tshirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a Jiff peanut butter jar of Dr Pepper*
Warlock: Welcome to my lair…welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.
*Warlock makes a small flame appear in his palm before closing it*
Warlock: Once again I’m flying solo for IT CAME FROM YOUTUBE. After Fists of Iron raked the eyes and insulted my intelligence, I’m a little wary of this one. Tonight…
*All of a sudden the front door opens. Mr. America walks in wearing white camo fatigues, vest and hat along with black combat boots and aviator shades*
America: I forgot my phone charger when we saw Edge of Darkness.
Warlock: That’s what you get for running out the door. Take a seat.
America: What? Why?
Warlock: Since you’re here you may as well watch this movie with me.
America: Oh hell no, I heard about your Youtube project.
Warlock: This one’s supposed to be good.
America: Oh whatever.
*America takes his seat in the recliner*
Warlock: Not there you moron, over here. Pull up a rock.
America: What, yoy mean huddle around the laptop?
Warlock: Yeah, we’re watching on Youtube, not a DVD.
*America grabs a second kitchen chair and sits next to Warlock*
America: So what are we watching anyway?
Warlock: Full Eclipse.
America: What is this about?
Warlock: Werewolf cops.
Warlock: Exactly what I said.
America: Oh god dammit.
Warlock: So let’s begin Full Eclipse.
*The Warlock reads the tag-line*
Warlock: “There’s a new police force on the streets, and they only come out at night”
Warlock: Ahhhhhhh! I’m scared already.
America: Go hide somewhere else
Warlock: That moon has a face on it doesn’t it?
*A cat hisses*
Warlock: Awww der Smittens.
*Some guy takes his short off*
America: What the hell?
*Mohawk dude loads a gun*
Warlock: This is weird already.
*Max Dire (Mario Van Peebles) and his partner Jimmy (Tony Denison) talk about his partner getting married. They get a dispatch of a hostage situation*
*Jimmy and Max crash the building where the shooters go apeshit with guns*
Warlcok: Gotta be gotta be gotta gotta gotta be
*Jimmy says he’s too old for this shit*
Warlock: You’re not Danny Glover.
*Max jumps in the building through the chimneys*
Warlock: Ho ho ho.
America: For how jumpy this guy is? Its not very promising.
*Some asshole yells at the negotiatior that they want a leer jet. Leader of the bad guys forces himself on a girl. Some guy says “Leave her alone you bastard” and he shoots him*
America: What did you think the guy with the gun was going to do?
*Max and Jimmy continue to spy on him*
America: This taking too long, I’m hoping these pipes break and they fall right through.
*The leader shoots Jimmy through the pipe and Max kills everyone in a rage with 25 rounds each*
Warlock: Excessive but awesome.
*At the hospital, Jimmy is in critical but still alive*
Warlock: Still alive.
America: For now.
*Jimmy’s fiancee Helen (Jennifer Rubin) says its not fair*
Warlock: I know, you never should have died in Nightmare on Elm Street 3.
*Max and his wife Anna (Victoria Rowell) talks to a therapist (Robin Pearson Rose). Max says his partner is dying and therapist says we all lose people. Anna says this is only their 3rd year together and things are getting worse*
Warlock: Why do you thinks most cops are divorced?
*They hold hands and Max says things he sees on the streets effects him*
America: Use your words.
*Some unidentified cop shoots something into Jimmy’s IV*
Warlock: The fuck was that?
America: He’s done now.
*Next day Jimmy shows up fit as fiddle and Max is shocked. Max says he got hit 4 times. Jimmy says he’s fine and twirls his gun around faster than ever. Jimmy says let’s go get some bad guys*
America: Alright so apparently its real, okay.
*Max watches Jimmy with the donut guy (Jeff Russell) when a green car drives by*
Warlock: They’;re up to no good.
*A drive by shooting occurs and Max shoots at the car before it drives away. Jimmy literally runs after the car while Max drives*
Warlock: Super cop.
*Jimmy literally jumps 10 feet on a bus and tags the the driver. The other shooters are killed except one. Jimmy then jumps 100 feet in the air and makes panther noises before he jumps on the escaping suspect. Jimmy is shot another 4 times and Jimmy just laughs at the guy. Jimmy drives the guy straight into a wall and the motorcycle explodes. Jimmy walks away nonchalantly*
Warlock: He’s fine, don’t worry about it.
*Max gets a medal of valor for the nightclub incident*
Warlock: Yeah, gets a medal for shooting people.
*Beat cop asks Max where Jimmy is. Max hands him his medal and says “knock yourself out”
Warlock: Talk about ungrateful.
*Max returns home and calls out for Anna. He gets a voice message from Detective Adam Garou (Bruce Payne) saying to call him. He gets a call from Anna saying she’s at her mothers in Houston and needs some time to think*
America: Womp, womp womppppppp
*Max visits Adam*
Warlock: Hey look its Warlock.
*Adam says he’s in charge of crisis counseling. Max “There are other cops who had their partner walk out of the ICU and act like one of the bionic X-Men?”
*Max asks why they care about him so much and Adam says its their business. Max acts what the deal is. Adam says a group of cops meet twice a week for counseling. Max asks what the difference between him and other therapists is? Adam stones him but says there is a meeting this Thursday*
Warlock: Something is going down.
America: No shit!
*Adam listens to a heartbeat monitor*
Warlock: The hell is that about.
*Fleming (Dean Norris) and Ron Edmunds (Willie C Carpenter) talk with Max. Jimmy walks in and says he’s not marrying Helen. He says he’s out of there. Jimmy then puts his gun in his mouth and shoots himself*
*Max visits Helen and she throws up. Max investigates Jimmy’s office and there’s weird shit everywhere*
Warlock: So that’s where the silver bullet came from earlier.
America: Now it makes sense.
*Max goes to the meeting at Alan’s high rise apartment. Alan introduces Casey Spencer (Patsy Kensit)
Warlock: She was an absolute bombshell in Lethal Weapon 2, she still is.
*Ramon Perez (John Verea) is introduced. Doug Crane (Jason Beghe) is introduced as well. Liza (Paula Marshall) is the final one. Ramon says his sister was killed and he was shot too. Liza says she tried to stop a pimp and she was stabbed in the back by the whore. Doug doesn’t want to say what he lost. Adam says he lost his house gambling*
*Max says his wife left him and his partner killed himself. Adam gives a speech saying they need to go vigilante. Adam, Liza, Ramon and Casey are in while Doug is uneasy. He says he has to talk to Adam and Adam says to Casey “Take good care of Max.”
*Adam and Doug talk on the balcony. Doug doesn’t want to go out tonight. Adam says he’s lying. Adam says he can’t take it, especially after what happened to Jimmy. Its revealed HE was the one who turned Jimmy. Adam says the morphine in his system triggered him, not the juice*
Warlock: So he’s the one who fucked Jimmy over.
*Teague (Scott Paulin) is holding a run running party. Adam, Liza, Casey, Doug and Ramon get packed and inject themselves with the same substance Jimmy was given. Max wants to know what it is, Adam says its for flu season*
Warlock:He’s full of baloney.
*The strike team wipes out Teague’s party and guests as Max looks on shocked*
America: I love how he can’t see worth a shit yet when they cut away there’s more than enough light.
*Max tries to blow the whistle on Adam’s men but his boss blows him off. Ramon gets married the next day*
Warlock: Love how the wife isn’t even named.
*The wedding priest (Ruben Garfias) asks if Ramon’s ready and Ramon says he doesn’t want to get married, storming off. Adam smiles and Casey tries to explain to Max that this was for the best*
Warlock: What the hell is going on?
*Max asks why Casey and Adam have no file. Casey says her husband was killed during a home invasion and she was too weak to stop it. 6 months ago Adam says he made her part of the pack*
Warlock: Oh I get it, they’re not vampires…they’re werewolves.
*Casey wants Max to join the pack*
Warlock: Don’t do it!
*The coroner shows Max the body of Jimmy. He wants the slug and the coroner cuts it out for him. Max looks at it, its melted from a silver dollar*
Warlock: Silver bullet.
*Max pounds on Adam’s door. Casey answers. He wants to know what Adam did to Jimmy. Adam is a biochemist and the serum is Adam’s design. It makes them super soldiers. It helps them heal faster and move quicker. She offers him the stuff and he doesn’t want it. She shills it as a super vaccine*
America: I’m not buying it.
*Max says no. She kisses him*
*Casey and Max go at it, he hits it from the back*
Warlock: Now we’re getting somewhere.
Ameica: They really wasted no time at all.
*Max and Casey go at it as she turns halfway into a werewolf*
Warlock: What…the fuck….
*Max “You know we just broke about 30 penal codes?” Casey offers him a dose one last time. Max says no.
Warlock: Peer pressure sucks.
America: He’s using the DARE approach…just say NO!
Warlock: He and and I are the only graduates from it.
*Casey says she sorry, shoots him and he drops*
Warlock: Did NOT see that coming.
*Casey injects him with the serum and he shouts out. His body responds to it and he heals instantly*
America: Jesus, how much did he bleed out from that one shot?
Warlock: Lucky shot.
*Casey says the first time you take it, it changes you. You never go back after.Max “And raises the dead.”
Warlock: IA is gonna be all over this.
*Some kid (Ahmad Stoner) plays Gameboy*
Warlock: Gameboy does not make those noises.
*The kid laughs at Max and Casey when Casey goes to bust a crack house. They take their doses and Casey says “Fun huh?” She literally rips the door open as Max grows claws. They wipe out everyone*
Warlock: They killed a bunch of bad guys. Nothing to see here.
*Teague tells Silvano (Joey DePinto) to handle Adam’s team. Next we get a montage of Adam doing gymastics. Max’s boss Stratton (Mel Winkler) barges in to Max’s house. He wants the streets clean but not to expose themselves*
Warlock: Stratton is in on it.
*Adam picks up Stratton’s scent as Casey walks in. Adam “Someone’s been bad.” Casey says it was his idea. Adam “I don’t give a fuck that you shot him, you weren’t supposed to fuck him. You were only supposed to fuck me. Do you like him?” He back hands her*
America: Oh good, we have a love triangle now.
Warlock: Nah, Max would have to love Adam to make it a triangle.
*Adam forces himself on Casey*
America: There’s way too many subplots crammed into this movie. This movie is a diarrhea of subplots.
*Edmunds throws a surprise 30th birthday party for Max. He pins the silver medal on him and Max freaks out, retreating to the bathroom. Anna walks in and notices Max looks like shit. She wants to know what’s wrong. His adrenaline rises and he nearly rapes Anna*
Warlock: Forgot about this subplot didn’t ya?
*Dr. Bobby Rose (Brent Bolthouse) the coroner from earlier says there was something in Jimmy’s blood. Fleming says Adam’s here. The wolfpack walks in. Casey and Anna stare at each other*
*Fleming hands Max a present. He opens them but then he faints. Adam grabs him and leads him out the door. Anna says she never should have came back*
Warlock: There we go.
*Wolfpack packs for battle. Their van blows. Silvano plus two other goons get out of a nearby car and celebrates*
Warlock: That’s really not gonna help.
*All 6 wolfpack members walk out unscathed. Adam “Tough guys….” We cut here*
Warlock: Awww we don’t even get to see anything?
*Silvano and the others are dropped out of a police chipper through the roof of Teague’s mansion. One has a note attached “Your move. LAPD”
Warlock: Now that was cool.
*The wolfpack return to the presinct with clothes tattered. Adam “We need a new vehicle”
*Max and Edmunds check out a cell. Detective Tom Davies (Joseph Culp) of the Miami PD is there. He’s halfway turned into a werewolf. He says 2 years ago he was apart of a wolfpack and Adam killed the whole pack except for him because he escaped. He says he took the serum too many times and now he can’t go back. Adam walks in and shoots him dead with a silver bullet. Max says he’s tired and needs a break. Fleming and Edmunds run in, Adam says Max was attacked and he had to put him down*
America: That cop has been in a bunch of other stuff.
Warlock: WHAT DID I SAY TWENTY MINUTES AGO? I told you he was in Terminator 2, Lethal Weapon 2, Hard To Kill, Starship Troopers…this.
*Max looks up the Miami PD records from two years prior and other cases going back 60 years. Adam’s been around since Capone at least*
Warlock: An eternal werewolf…gotta love it.
*Max walks into Adam’s suite. The pack is passed out*
America: I hate the obnoxiously loud werewolf snoring.
*Adam spots Max and throws him into the middle of the room in front of everyone. Adam admits he’s a werewolf and is at the mercy of a lunar cycle. Max says you only change on a fool moon. Adam says he became a cop when he first came to America. He puts together teams and then disposes of them. Doug refuses the treatment and Adam kills him. Max reveals he kills everyone else to cover his tracks every single time. Adam “You’re smart Max, why do you think I chose you? I need someone to carry on after I’m gone.” Ramon and Liza side with Adam as Max grabs Casey and jumps out onto the street below. Casey lands on a car*
America: That couldn’t have felt good.
*Max brings Casey to the beach and Casey says she hasn’t taken her serum lately. She dies in his arms from the injuries*
America: Hmmm, goodnight.
Warlock: Its 3 against 1 now. Better go get some silver bullets.
*Adam, Liza and Ramon plan to take out Teague but Stratton is waiting for him near a chopper. Adam just walks up and shoots him in the head. Max runs into the presinct and some flatfoot tells him Adam is on the roof. Liza flies the chopper away with Ramon and Adam in tow. They are NOT cleared for takeoff. Max runs up, finds Stratton and shoots at the chopper*
Warlock: That’s not gonna work.
*Max calls Bobby and needs silver bullets*
Warlock: He’ll just go along with it, he won’t question it at all.
*Teague shows up at the docks for the big gun by. The wolf pack wipes them all out. Max shows up in a cruiser*
Warlock: COME OUT WITH YOUR CLAWS UP! YOU’RE UNDER ARREST!
*Teague is the only one left alive and Adam throws him at Max’s feet. Adam figures out Max has silver bullets. Adam taunts him and Max shoots him. He drops*
Warlock: That can’t be it. We got 10 minutes left.
*Ramon and Liza look on confused. Max walks off*
Warlock: That was too easy.
*Adam gets up and says “Ouch”. He pulls the slug out. Adam “A full eclipse protects me from everything, including silver*
Warlock: Ok, now you just have to wait him out.
*Adam transforms into a real werewolf (Vincent Hammond). The wolf kills Liza and Ramon as Max gets away*
Warlock: How long does an eclipse last?
America: I don’t know.
Warlock: Well all he has to do is wait him out, go find a place to hide.
*A crane operator lifts a giant crate with Max on it 50 feet in the air. The wolf jumps on it. Max injects him with a silver nitrate substance as the eclipse passes and the crate falls 50 feet below. Max wakes up and an old looking Adam asks him to not let end it all end here. He want to transfer his power to him to protect the innocent. Adam dies and Max sticks his hand in Adam’s blood*
Warlock: Oh great….
*Graphic reads: Denver, 3 years later*
Warlock: AND THEY’VE DONE IT, THE BRONCOS ARE GOING TO THE SUPERBOWL!! Wait…I’m off by a year. 3 years after 93 is 96, Broncos made it in 97.
America: You’re an idiot.
*Max and Anna are living together. Max struts in and distracts Anna who cuts herself while chopping meat. He licks up the blood*
Warlock: Great way to get AIDS.
*Anna’s cut heals as Max looks up how there’s 9 days until an eclipse. End credits*
America:WHAT? You mean to tell me he goes from killing the cop, to taking his place and doing the same thing?
Warlock: Well he’s supposed to be less of a douche bag.
America: I don’t like this. He just made the villain of this movie the equivalent to a paper villain.
America: No, he was just there to put over the next guy.
Warlock: That WAS his intention.
Mr. America’s Assessment: I give it a 3. Too many subplot and its an incoherent mess. A diarrhea of a movie.
The Warlock’s Assessment: I liked it, not one of my favorites but it had violence, Patsy Kensit’s sweet ass, a decent acting job…I give it a 6.
Final Grade: 4.5 out of 10 – Below Average.
*Warlock and America get up from the kitchen table*
Warlock: I thought it was good.
America: Terrific, I didn’t. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some Drano I need to drink after watching that pile.
*Mr. America walks out the lair*
Warlock: Yeesh, what a grump. Anyway that was Full Eclipse, not the worst movie but nothing special either. We’re watching these for free so its not like America is wasting money here.
*America sticks his head through the mail slot*
America: Only our time!
*America leaves again*
Warlock: How did he get his head through there? Oh well, that concludes another IT CAME FROM YOUTUBE, have a pleasant evening.