*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black leather jacket, CONAN THE BARBARIAN t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding an nWo Wolfpack thermos of root beer*
Warlock: Welcome to my lair…welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.
*Warlock makes lightning strike before entering the lair*
Warlock: After the success of Extreme Justice, its time for another IT CAME FROM YOUTUBE. Tonight’s movie is the 1995 martial arts flick Fists of Iron. Michael Worth’s friend is killed by Matthias Hues and has to be trained by Flash Gordon to save the day. Yes of course I’m serious.
*Warlock takes his seat t the kitchen table with the laptop all set to go*
Warlock: Without any further delay, let’s get going with Fists of Iron.
*The Warlock reads the tag-line*
Warlock: A skillfull fighter who works as a mechanic goes with his friend to a full contact tournament where the friend is killed. He vows revenge on the people running it………..so its a ripoff of Best of the Best 2?
*Opening credits: Enter The Shootfighter*
Warlock: Enter The Shootfighter? It says Fists of Iron on IMDB and the box. I hate double titled movies! Make up your damn minds.
*A limo pulls up and a man exits reading a newspaper*
Warlock: The damn Red Sox lost again???
*Guy walks through an auto shop still reading paper. He gets on the phone and goes to place a bet. He spots someone coming his way and runs. A man chases him through the autoshop and outside. The guy’s name is Jim (Charlie Ganis). Peter Gallagher (Marshall R Teague) outside in front of the limo says don’t be stupid. Peter says Jim’s behind and has to pay a penalty. Peter says have a nice walk home and Jim’s car blows*
Warlock” Now THAT was a penalty.
*Boss of auto shop tells Dale (Michael Worth) that Max (Peter Brown)’s car is ready and to deal with an unsatisfied customer (Nicholas R Oleson)*
Warlock: Oh yeah, this is gonna end well.
*The grumpy customer tries to bully Dale around saying he hears a rattling in his car*
Warlock: Oh look, its The Beast from Bloodsport 3. Died 2 years after this movie was made.
*Dale says he brought the car back to life. Grumpy takes a swing at him and a fight breaks out. Dale headbutts him and kicks him in the nuts before knockin him out with an uppercut*
Warlock: These sound effects are AWFUL.
*Malloy hopes he’s insured for this*
*Dale brings the car to Max who tells Wendy the secretary to scram. Dale says he had an accident at the shop to explain his scars and Max says he doesn’t belong there with his degree in engineering. Max says he’s wasting his abilities working there. Dale says he’s happy where he’s at and pays him for the car job*
Warlock: So we establish he can fight and is good with cars.
*Tyler Green (Sam Jones) and Daniel Lee (Eric Lee) hit up a dive bar*
Warlock: Flash Gordon in the house.
*The bartender Barry (Dominic Oliver) says they were the toughest guys he ever saw as Dale walks in and puts a quarter in the juke box. Daniel waves to some girl and some muscle head (Stefanos Miltsakakis) takes offense*
Warlock: This guy is a henchman or a brute in almost every movie starring JCVD or Stallone.
*Big dude tells Daniel to leave and Dale tells him to cut it out. Big dude pushes Dale and says “you move when I tell you to move pretty boy” Tyler and Daniel start laughing and call Dale pretty. Big dude connects with a right hook on Dale*
Warlock: Christ, not his day.
*Dale tries to clean out the bar singlehandedly until Big Dude gets the upper hand and dumps him over the bar. Daniel starts cleaning out the bar by himself. Daniel and Tyler leave Dale as Matt (Nicholas Hill) walks in. Barry says Tyler was a great trainer until he became a drunk and Daniel was the best fighter ever. Barry “Look likes he still is”
Warlock: Good character establishment.
*Matt says his cousin Jeff (Bob LaVetta) got he and Dale into a fighting tournament that night*
Warlock: Yeah, what could go wrong?
*Dale and Matt leave and hit up Dale’s beach trailer*
Warlock: Living the high life.
*Dale says he gave Michelle (Maria Diaz) everything*
Warlock: Except the flamingo?
*He left her and Kate (Connie Llanos) all the good stuff. They drive off in Matt’s car*
Warlock: Way to not explain who the hell Kate and Michelle are.
*The valet (Art Camacho) says he needs to park the car*
Warlock: There’s the fight choreographer.
*Jeff shows up and wisecracks about Matt and Dale. Dale parks the car as Matt and Jeff are wearing matching shirts*
Warlock: Totally ugly early 90’s shirts. Peeeeeee-you!
*Dale is blown away by the beauty of Julie Weaver (Jenilee Harrison). Matt asks if she’s out of his league. Dale “Can you hit a 100 mph fastball? Matt “Not in a million years.” Dale “She’s going 110”
Warlock: I can write better dialogue than this.
*Julie says hi to a senator when Matt interrupts and pulls the dumbass card. Dale walks up and plays the good cop/bad cop card and she responds*
Warlock: 99 times out of 100 this doesn’t work.
*Peter looks on miffed*
Warlock: Oh you’ve done it now.
*Matt gets rejected and Peter tells her to pay attention to more important friends. Julie says it must be nice to have friends and Peter threatens her*
Warlock: God damn, Marshall Teague heel?
*At the large ring outside the mansion, Hiroshi Tanaka (Randall Shiro Ideishi) fights Jimmy as bets are made*
Warlock: Ah lovely, a Bloodsport ripoff.
*The announcer says “Let’s Get Ready To Rumble”*
Warlock: GIMMICK INFRINGEMENT!
*Hiroishi gets the upper hand in the fight at first but Jimmy snaps him off the top rope. Hiroshu misses with a kick and Jimmy lands a backhand punch. Tanaka finishes him off with a stranglehold*
Warlock: WINNER AND NEW CHAMPEEN HIROSHI TANAKA!
*Matt says Dale should get in the ring, Dale says Matt should do it for once. The ring announcer then throws out an open challenge to anyone that thinks they can take out Mr. Gallagher’s top fighter Victor “The Destroyer” Bragg (Matthias Hues). Victor waves to the crowd as he gets in the ring. The ring announcer says anyone that can last two minutes with Bragg wins 2 grand*
Warlock: I’m getting in the ring, two minutes is a breeze!
*Matt says he can do it. He disrobes and gets in the ring despite protests from Dale and Jeff. Matt lands a few blows but Victor easily counters. Dale and Jeff shout to get out of there. Victor corners him and starts beating the shit out of him. Matt survives the 2 minutes but Victor gets a few cheap shots in*
Warlock: What a heel.
*Jeff and Dale carry Matt out of the ring as Victor and Peter walk up. Dale waves a towel in Matt’s face*
*Peter throws the 2 grand at Matt and the announcer says to get him to a hospital. Victor stares at the trio as Dale helps Matt to the car, he claims he’s okay*
Warlock: He’s got at least a concussion and possibly a collapsed lung, take him to the hospital!
*Next day Dale wakes up and calls out to Matt who doesn’t answer. He goes outside and Matt’s out cold in the chair. Dale pushes him and she slumps over, he’s dead*
Warlock: I don’t think he’s gonna make it. Can’t even blame Bragg for this, you should have taken him to a hospital.
*Dale starts crying and hugs Matt*
Warlock: That was HORRIBLE acting. Plus, can’t even feel sorry for him.
*Next scene is Matt’s funeral where Dale reads the eulogy*
Warlock: Since he didn’t die in the ring, there’s no lawsuit. Jeff can’t do shit.
*Young Dale (Eric Schifman) and Young Matt (Spencer Guilburt) play in a flashback. Meanwhile back at the bar, Dale drinks before ordering black coffee. Dale says he wants to fight Bragg. Nearby Daniel Lee and Tyler Green listen in. Barry says Bragg is a killer as Tyler pipes up that Dale is too weak to fight him*
Warlock: Better listen to Flash Gordon.
*Grumpy customer enters the bar with a henchmen (Elston Ridgle) in tow. Grumpy says he’s come to pay Dale back. Grumpy sicks Hench on him and Dale wipes out both of them. After he walks up to Daniel and Tyler and says “Still think I don’t have a chance against Bragg?” Daniel “Not a chance.”
Warlock: Great confidence builder.
*Tyler says if he tries to fight Bragg he’ll end up next to Matt. Dale wants to go with Tyler and tells him to get up. Tyler tells him to take his best shot, he won’t get up. Dale throws a punch but Tyler catches it no problem. Tyler says anyone of Bragg’s fighters will be smart enough to catch it because he telegraphs it. Daniel says to take their advice and stay away from Gallagher. Dale walks out as Tyler says the kid has an iron fist*
Warlock: Oh boy, the movie title.
*At the next round of fights, Dale pulls up in his car. Valet and two henchmen try to stop Dale from entering and he wipes out all three of them as Gallagher watches. Peter says to let him in*
Warlock: Shang Tseung approves.
*A female fighter beats the shit out of her opponent as Julie tries to talk Dale out of fighting Gallagher’s men. Dale taunts her about her serving Gallagher and she blows him off. Dale walks up to Peter and says he wants Bragg. Victor coldly tells him he’ll end up just like Matt*
Warlock: Yeah really.
*Peter says if Dale can beat one of his men, he’ll give him Bragg. Dale says “See you in sixty seconds” and hops in the ring*
Warlock: This should be good.
*The announcer calls him Dale “Pretty Boy’ Hartwell. His opponent is Butchie “The Butcher” Tanaka*
Warlock: I wanted to see him fight the girl, who’s this guy?
*Dale beats the shit out of Butchie in about 40 seconds but Butchie makes the big comeback, nearly knocking Dale out. Then he beats the everloving shit out of Dale and drops him with a clothesline. Dale leaves the ring*
Warlock: Wow, this guy plays the loser pretty good.
*Peter hands Dale his jacket and a handkerchief to wipe the blood off. Peter “You show up here again, you won’t walk away.”
Warlock: Better listen to him.
*Julie waits for Dale by his car and he says he hopes she bet on the other guy. He has to take his daughter somewhere and then he taunts her again. She asks why she’s such a prick*
Warlock: Way to come off as a whiny loser.
*Dale walks up to a nice house, apparently his ex-wife is Michelle and Kate is his daughter. She gives him the business before a middle school aged girl runs out and hugs Dale*
Warlock: He looks like he’s 21 and in real life he’s 30 at the time of filming. The fountain of youth blessed this guy.
*Kate is sorry about “uncle Matt” and asks if that’s going to happen to Dale too*
Warlock: Yeah, if he keeps bothering Mr. Gallagher.
*Dale says he’ll always be with Kate*
Warlock: Not if his bitch ex wife has anything to say about it.
*Dale takes Kate horseback riding and Julie shows up, she has business in the area. Dale introduces Kate to Julie*
Warlock: You know, I would have had a crush on this girl had I saw this movie when it first came out.
*Kate grills Julie about her and Dale. They’re “just friends”
Warlock: Yeah, this will go over well with Michelle.
*Kate invites Julie to their picnic*
Warlock: She’s got better game than Dale does.
*Dale drives up to Tyler Green’s. He wants to be trained by Tyler and Daniel. He wants to fight Bragg. Tyler “The only chance you have is to buy a gun.” Tyler says he has as much chance to move a boulder as he does of defeating Bragg. Dale says challenge accepted. Dale can’t do it*
Warlock: They’re failing with this underdog story.
*Dale turns a garden hose on and sprays water under one of the boulders. He then kicks it down a hill with ease*
*Tyler tells him to come back tomorrow for training*
Warlock: Yeah, tomorrow……right now they go drinking.
*Gallagher asks Julie what she’s thinking about, she says whatever she wants. She says she feels like a prisoner. He reveals he bought out her failing restaurant and she should be grateful. Julie “Somewhere kindness turned into control.” Peter “Don’t even think about leaving me.”
Warlock: Yeah real hero.
*Tyler says not to dance around, let your opponent makes the first move. Then we get a training montage of Dan fighting in a junkyard*
Warlock: Who’s this guy? Wow, no continuity at all.
*Dale beats his opponent with a spinkick. Daniel says great job*
Warlock: Yeah, Daniel gets all the money.
*Tyler says you need to learn your opponent’s weaknesses and use it against him. Dale fights another guy in a warehouse and beats him too*
Warlock: Would be nice if these guys were credited.
*Dale keeps telegraphing his punches and Danny tells him to relax. Great fighters will see it a mile away. The next fight Dale wins is at a truckstop*
Warlock: Will the next one be at the viceroy?
*Tyler “Stop, learn, change, strike”
Warlock: Good advice.
*Dale and Julie bring Kate home. Michelle asks who the blonde is*
Warlock: Your worst nightmare.
*Dale meditates with Danny and Tyler and Dale falls asleep. Tyler “I don’t believe this.”
*Dale walks into Julie’s house. Julie says Gallagher paid for it. Dale wants Julie and she thinks he’s using her to get to Gallagher. He tries to tell her that he’s there for her. They share a kiss*
Warlock: Awww isn’t that sweet.
*More training with Daniel about absorbing blows before its back to the autoshop. Grumpy is back with the Koga (Nick) brothers and now Dale has to fight all 3 off. Dale wipes all 3 out in record time*
Warlock: Doesn’t this guy get tired of getting beat up?
*Julie returns home and calls out for Peter. She goes upstairs and finds him stripping another girl naked*
Warlock: Well at least this is no longer the worst movie of all time.
*Julie sits at the beach sobbing*
Warlock: Tough luck pal.
*Back at Gallagher’s mansion, he spars with some guy and beats him up. Julie ignores him and he asks his ring announcer (Bela Lehoczky) what Dale is up to. Dale is training with Gallagher’s “old friend” Tyler Green. Peter wants him to go spy on them. Meanwhile Dale’s next fight is with Hiroshi Tanaka near a log pile. The ring announcer stands next to Tyler to check out the fight. Hiroshi kicks the crap out of Dale but Dale begins to fight back. Hiroshi goes for the neck snap but Dale counters with a Rude Awakening neckbreaker*
Warlock: Who does he think he is, Ravishing Rick Rude?
*Dale finally wins the fight by snapping his arm and dropping him with an uppercut*
Warlock: Dale wins.
*Daniel helps out Hiroshi as Tyler wants to put Dale up against Bragg. Announcer says its been a long time since Tyler and Daniel have been to the house since “the unfortunate accident”
Warlock: What could that possibly mean?
*Announcer shaskes Tyler’s hand and leaves. Tyler “What a dick.” Tyler says Dale is ready for Bragg and they celebrate. Next frame is Dale going to see Julie. We get the obligatory useless sex scene*
Warlock: At least this isn’t the worst movie of all time and takes off the run time.
*Dale doesn’t want Julie to go back to Peter. Julie says this is just a right here, right now thing*
Warlock: Ooof, one night standed.
*Julie goes back to Peter’s with Bragg opening the door. Peter knows she’s banging Dale and she counters by bringing up the other girl (Jennifer DeCosta). Peter says if she sees “that piece of shit” again, he’ll kill him*
Warlock: Oh you just try.
*Back at the autoshop, Dale’s boss Malloy (Michael DeLano) asks him how he can listen to bluegrass*
Warlock: Its an acquired taste.
*Malloy says Julie is on the phone. Julie says she can’t see him anymore because Gallagher knows. Julie says he can’t take care of this and hangs up on him*
Warlock: Well that sucks.
*Dale goes back to his beach trailer but he trips a bomb….he runs away just in time. Peter gets a phone call saying Dale is alive and he’s pissed*
Warlock: YOU FAILED!
*Victor watches Peter train as Tyler and Daniel drive up. Peter asks if this is social and Tyler says business. They want in the tournament and Victor cracks that Daniel is a cripple. Peter says its an 8 man tournament, 25 thousand dollar buy in and 250 K if Dale is still alive at the end. Daniel says they don’t have 25 K and Peter says that’s not his problem. Tyler and Daniel go back to tell him the bad news. Dale asks him what the accident was. Tyler says 8 years ago he was training Daniel and Peter wanted him to throw a fight. They said no and someone ran over Daniel’s leg. He never fought again. Dale says meet him at tbhe bar*
Warlock: What, you gonna start a fundraiser?
*Dale sells Max his car for 16 grand. He goes to the bar and combined with Tyler and Daniel, they’re 2 grand short. Suddenly everyone at the bar pitches in money*
Warlock: Wow, I called it.
*Barry the bartender says they’re 97 dollars short….so he tosses in a 100. Next frame is at the ring for the “Tournament of Champions. We get a montage of various fighters. Julie is there and Daniel says to think of her to fight harder. Butchie Tanaka wins the first fight. Daniel pays Announcer and he says Dale is up next*
Warlock: Here we go.
*Dale beats up another Polka Dotted pants dude and makes him tap out*
Warlock: Did they get a discount on polka dotted pants at the prop station?
*Victor Bragg….also in polka dotted pants fights Hiroshi Tanaka in the third fight. Announcer cheers on Victor. Tyler gives Dale advice as Victor finishes off Tanaka. We don’t get to see the fourth fight*
Warlock: Guess the movie decided it didn’t matter who Bragg faced in the semi’s. Would have been nice to see Tyler or somebody else.
*Dale defeats Butchie Tanaka in the semi-finals by jumpkicking him over the top rope and to the outside*
Warlock: One win away from 250 grand. Nice continuity to have Dale get revenge on this guy.
*Daniel and Tyler tend to Dale. He’s got two broken ribs but he’s got one fight left. Bragg easily dispatches his semi-final opponent as Gallagher cheers him on. Announcer asks if he needs a break before the finals, Victor says “are you kidding me?” Victor asks Gallagher what he wants him to do. Peter says don’t make it look too easy but kill him. Victor nods*
Warlock: He’s got his marching orders.
*Announcer says 200 K to the winner and nothing for the loser. Victor sheds his shirt for the final match. Dale uses his quickness to land some early kicks. Dale drops him with an enziguiri and a nip up. Dale tries to go toe to toe with him and gets creamed*
Warlock: His mistake was trying to match power and mixing it up, should have kept sticking and moving.
*Dale gets to his feet but Victor continues the onslaught. Dale flashes back to his childhood as Julie yells in his ear*
Warlock: So this is his JCVD moment?
*Suddenly Dale can’t miss and Victor can’t hit*
Warlock: This is unrealistic even for me.
*Announcer is distraught as Dale knocks Victor cold with a roundhouse right. Julie kisses him through the ropes as Dale leaves the ring getting surrounded by big spenders , Dale and Tyler*
Warlock: Now how are they gonna end this?
*Peter opens a briefcase with the 200 K inside it, tells Tyler to take it and get out. He’s nothing but small time. He then nails Dale with a cheapshot and goes to hit Julie but Daniel stops him with his cane. Daniel then beats the shit out of Peter before fading to black*
Warlock: He’s been trying to kill Dale for 25 minutes and he’s just gonna leave him alone now? Give me a break.
*Dale, Julie and Kate pack for Disneyland when Grumpy and 4 bodybuilders show up. The leader says to relax and makes Grumpy pay for the car at the beginning of the movie*
Warlock: That would have been a hell of a fight.
*Movie ends with Dale, Kate and Julie running on the beach*
Warlock: Thank fucking God its over.
The Warlock’s Assessment: I give it a 3.5 out of 10. The dialogue was stupid, the special effects were dumb, some of the acting was horrid. Sam Jones and Matthies Hues were largely wasted. Its a piece of crap.
Final Grade: 3.5 out of 10 – Crap
*Warlock rises from the kitchen chair*
Warlock: Well that sucked. My worst fear was that Extreme Justice was going to be the best of the best. This was a huge let down from that. This movie was a cookie cutter martial arts movie that was low on plot, low on effects and largely forgettable. At least it wasn’t the worst movie of all time. That about wraps up IT CAME FROM YOUTUBE for now, have a pleasant evening.