191. Birdman (2014)

birdman

*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black leather jacket, black t-shirt, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a wine glass of Dr. Pepper*

Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t thinks so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock levitates into the lair*

Warlock: Tonight is a special fan request. A professor at a very esteemed university sent a movie for us to watch.

*Neyzor Blades is in the recliner wearing standard attire*

Neyz: Oh god, I’m not watching one of your garbage movies

Warlock, Relax, she sent us a good movie.

Neyz: Good to you doesn’t mean shit.

Warlock: Its Birdman.

*Warlock holds up the blu-ray*

Neyz: The Michael Keaton movie?

Warlock: Yes. So quit nagging me.

*Warlock puts the blu ray in and settles in the middle of the couch*

Warlock: So let’s see what Birdman has to offer.

 

*Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “Illustrated upon the progress of his latest Broadway play, a former popular actor’s struggle to cope with his current life as a wasted actor is shown.”

Neyz: Awww that makes me sad.

 

*20th Century Fox opening*

Warlock: Haven’t heard that in a while.

 

*Jazz opening during the credits*

Warlock: *jams along*

Neyz: Stop that.

 

*Raymond Carver quote*

Warlock: Takes off the run time.

 

*Riggan (Michael Keaton) is levitating cross legged in his underwear*

Warlock: A man after my own ways to relax.

Neyz: How can he do that?

 

*Riggan hears Birdman in his head complaining about being a struggling stage actor*

Warlock: Smells like balls.

Neyz: Hahaha.

 

*Riggan gets a Skype call from his daughter Sam (Emma Stone) who’s being hassled by a grocer (Kenny Chin). She’s picking up flowers for him. He says anything but roses*

Warlock: What’s your favorite flower?

Neyz: I love them all.

 

*Annie (Merrit Weaver) says the stage is ready for Riggan. He gets dressed and walks down a hall. He calls the stagehand (Jamhal Garrison-Lowe)the wrong name*

Warlock: Jerk.

 

*Jake (Zach Galifianakis) catches up to Riggan and Riggan tell him Ralph (Jeremy Shamos) to stop acting*

Warlock: This is the first serious movie I’ve seen Zach in since Below.

Neyz: What’s that?

Warlock: Nevermind.

 

*Lesley (Naiomi Watts) and Laura (Andrea Riseborough) are on set with Ralph in character as Riggan joins in*

Neyz: Wow….Keaton looks so goddamned old.

Warlock: Well, he really did little from the mid 90’s to pretty much this movie.

 

*A prop falls from the ceiling and nails Ralph in the head, knocking him cold out of nowhere*

Warlock and Neyz: Woahhhhhh.

 

*The stagehands go nuts tending to Ralph as Riggan walks off, Jake in tow. He says they have to cancel the first preview. Riggan says Ralph was a disaster anyway and the blood coming from his ear is the only honest thing he’s done*

Neyz: Hahahahaha.

 

*Riggan names real actors and Jake says they’re all busy. Jake says Ralph will sue and Riggan tells him to make it go away and find him another actor. Riggan calls Jake his attorney, producer and best friend*

Warlock and Neyz: Haaaaahhahaha.

 

*Riggan tells Jake to do his job. He then flicks his finger to turn the TV off*

Warlock: He’s got my powers.

Neyz: The power to be a pain in the ass?

 

*Riggan listens to Birdman in his head saying Iron Man is a knockoff of himself. Riggan then takes his wig off*

Warlock: You’re right, he does look old. That’s the point.

 

*Riggan uses his power to launch the pot of flowers Sam brought against the wall*

Warlock: Why would he do that?

 

*Gabriel (Damian Young) interviews Riggan. Han (Keenan Shimzu) and his translator (Akira Ito) is there. Clara (Natalie Gold) is asks him if he injects himself with semen*

Warlock: What????

 

*Gabriel asks him if he’s doing the play because he’s washed up and Riggan says no because he said no to Birdman 4. Han gets excited and asks if Birdman 4 is coming out and Jake has to throw everyone out*

Neyz: He’s just trying to get his shit together.

 

*Jake gives him the rundown as Riggan moves the Birdman poster as Jake tells him he almost fought with Ralph. He blackmailed him by using his porn tastes against him*

Warlock: Nuns in diapers?

 

*Lesley barges in and says Mike (Edward Norton) is available after getting fired from his last job*

Warlock: This is about to get good.

 

*Lesley says she and Mike share a vagina*

Warlock: Hahahahaha

 

*Jake kisses Lesley and gets excited about bringing Mike in*

Warlock: Naomi probably just barfed.

 

*Mike asks if Riggan wrote the play*

Warlock: No, he stole it.

 

*Mike wants to work off the script yet he knows the script. He then reveals he’s been working with Lesley*

Warlock: Duh.

 

*Mike goes into acting methods with Riggan*

Warlock: This feels like my old high school theater teacher.

 

*Mike: Fuck me, fuck me*

Warlock: Hahaha

 

*Mike and Riggan play off the scene well*

Neyz: I think it works.

 

*Sam walks in and says Larry (Michael Sibbery) needs to see everyone for costume fittings*

Warlock: Larry the bird?

Neyz: No.

Warlock: Well it is Birdman.

 

*Mike hits on Sam when they’re out of earshot*

Warlock: He’s worse than I am.

 

*Mike strips naked*

Warlock: There you go.

 

*Lesley shits on Sam not knowing she was there despite Mike warning her she’s there. Lesley then says why does Mike always humiliate her and he says she makes it easy*

Warlock: Hahahahahha

 

*Jake tells Riggan they don’t have enough money to sign Mike. Riggan says to do it. Jake says he’s freaking out. Laura says Lesley has a nice ass. She says she’s pregnant with Riggan’s child and she makes him grab her crotch*

Neyz: Theater people are fucked in the head.

 

*Mike acts the scene while drinking real gin*

Warlock: The good stuff.

 

*Riggan does his scene yet Mike ruins it by going on a rant, throwing glasses. Riggan gets pissed, storms off and leaves. Jake tries to reason with Riggan to keep him there*

Neyz: Wow what a jerk. I’d fire him.

 

*Jake tells him to shut up and says Mike’s involvement is doubling their wages and he starts crying saying its not the 90’s anymore*

Neyz: Awwwww

 

*An intoxicated Mike says Riggan was really good, cabron (asshole in Spanish). Riggan says outside the theater in 10 minutes. Riggan’s ex wife Sylvia (Amy Ryan) shows up, Riggan wasn’t expecting to see her. Sylvia says she’s going to eat with Sam later. She asks how she and Sam are getting along.  Sylvia says he doesn’t have to be a great father but just be a father*

Warlock: That’s a good line.

 

*Sylvia asks why he’s doing the play and he says he needs the money. He says his health lasted longer than his money. He says he has a chance to do something right*

Warlock: Right?

 

*Riggan tells a story how he was flying with George Clooney through a storm and if the plane crashed, George’s face would be on the front page and not his. He says Farrah Fawcett died the same day as Michael Jackson. Sylvia kisses his forhead and reveals why they divorced was because he threw a kitchen knife at her. He confuses love with admiration*

Warlock: Do you confuse love with admiration?

Neyz: You sure as hell do.

 

*Riggan listens to Birdman saying he should have done a reality show to make money. Annie tells him a sun bed is on its way. Mike ordered it. Riggan walks Time’s Square with Mike going back and forth. The jazz band playing outside. Mike then says stage actors are better than film actors. Mike goes into a bar with Riggan and they continue to argue.. Mike tells Riggan that Tabitha (Lindsay Duncan) is the only one who matters since she’s a critic for the New York Times*

Warlock: New York Times is a rag.

 

*Mike says nobody gives a shit about Riggan in New York and right on cue a Husband (David Fierro) Wife (Paula Pell) and Kid (Hudson Flynn)recognize Riggan and wants Mike to take the picture of the three of them*

Neyz: Haaaaaaa.

 

*Mike is distraught as Riggan smiles. Mike wants to know why Raymond Carver. Riggan says he did one of his plays in high school and Ray Carver himself signed an autograph for him. Mike looks at it and says its on a cocktail napkin and that Ray was drunk*

Neyz: Wow, does he have to be an asshole all the time?

 

*Mike goes over to Tabitha to shoot the shit. Tabitha calls him a clown and Mike agrees, but for one night he’s gonna try to be the best he can. Mike says he’ll never give her a bad performance. Mike leaves and soon Riggan follows*

Warlock: I thought he was gonna shoot him for a minute.

Neyz: Why?

 

*Riggan enters the back door and walks into Sam. Riggan then smells weed. He finds a joint and they then argue about it. He says not to pull this shit because he wants the play to go smoothly. Sam goes on an epic rant about how he’s the only one who cares about this play as the patrons will just forget him and nobody cares about him, he’s not important*

Neyz: She just basically said everything she’s wanted to ever say to him but never did but didn’t want to hurt him. She wanted to give him a reality check.

Warlock: See how her expression changed after she said all that? Yeah, that says more than any written line.

 

*Sam says “Dad” and leaves*

Warlock: He turns around and shoots her.

 

*Riggan lights up the joint he found*

Neyz: God I could use some right now.

 

*Riggan chokes on it and burns his fingers*

Neyz: That roach wasn’t small enough to burn his fingers. What a noob.

 

*Laura runs through her line as Lesley and Mike lay in bed. Mike wants to fuck her for real and Lesley resists for real*

Neyz: So he rapes her on stage?

 

*Mike jumps out of bed with a hard on, the crowd laughs. Even Riggan is stunned by it but continues the scene*

Warlock: Hahahaha

 

*The play ends with Riggan shooting himself in the head with a prop gun. When the curtain drops Lesley gets pissed at Mike. “You can’t get it up for 6 months and now you wanna fuck me in front of 800 strangers?”

Warlock: What about Edge and Lita in front of 20,000?

Neyz: That wasn’t real.

 

*The cast members take a bow and gets a standing O*

Warlock: BRAVO! BRAVO!

 

*As they get to the back, Lesley is distraught and says to Laura that Mike tried to fuck her, Laura says its hot*

Warlock: Hahaaaa!

 

*Lesley gives a sob story to Laura and Laura hugs her. Riggan comes in and gives her support*

Neyz: Awww, that sucks.

Warlock: What?

Neyz: Everything Laura wanted to hear, he just said to Lesley.

Warlock:Ohhhhh.

 

*Lesley repeats what Riggan said as Laura starts french kissing Lesley only for Mike to barge in. Lesley throws a hair dryer at him so he leaves*

Warlock: Way to ruin the girl on girl asshole, now he’s pissed me off.

Neyz: Oh boo.

 

*Mike barges into Riggan’s room and says to get a better prop gun because it looks too fake*

Neyz: This guy is gonna get himself killed.

 

*Mike goes onto the roof where Sam is sitting. They share bonding moments. One guy says to jump and Sam says to eat her. The dude below says to jump on his face*

Warlock: Hahaha

 

*Mike says she has a terrific ass*

Warlock: He’s right.

 

*Mike says to spit on a bald guy below. She does…a second later a man below says “ewww”

Warlock and Neyz: Hahaha

 

*Sam asks if Mike wants to fool around with her, he says no. He says he’s afraid he couldn’t get it up. She says it wasn’t a problem when he was on stage. He says nothing is a problem when he’s on stage. She asks what he wants to do to her. Mike says he’d pull her eyes out of her head, put them in his head so he could see the world the way she does at her age. She leaves*

Warlock: That was ridiculous.

Neyz: No that makes sense, he doesn’t like himself.

 

*Next morning Laura brings the NY Times where it praises Mike but not Riggan.Laura “You’re an asshole.”

Neyz: Hahaha.

 

*Laura reveals she’s not pregnant and leaves. Birdman then speaks to Riggan and says he’s a joke. Riggan leaves his office and barges into Mike’s room then starts whacking him with the newspaper as he lays in a tanning bed*

Warlock: Hahaha

 

*Riggan rants about how Mike sucks and brings up “his massive hard on”. Mike “You think it looked massive?”

Warlock: Hahahahaha

 

*Mike and Riggan continue to argue with Riggan whacking him with a newspaper. Mike calls him a lousy actor and Riggan gives a sob story of how his father was a drunk who molested him before sobbing. Mike tries to console him but Riggan says he was just kidding and that he CAN act. Mike says to use that on stage but Riggan wants to fight. Mike tells him to get his bird costume and Riggan pops him in the nose. Mike calls him a dilettante*

Neyz: What is that?

 

*Riggan looks out the window*

Neyz: I’m just gonna tare out this window.

 

*Riggan hears Birdman’s voice in his head calling him a tiny, bitter cocksucker.Riggan and Birdman scream fuck you at each other. Riggan flings shit against the wall and says its not 1992 anymore*

Neyz: I don’t understand this part.

Warlock: Its a play on Keaton’s real life portrayal of Batman.

Neyz: No, I don’t know what’s with his magic powers in this movie. What’s real life and what isn’t? I’m going just as crazy as this motherfucker is.

 

*Riggan says he looks like a turkey with leukemia*

Warlock:Nice choice of words.

 

*Birdman “We are not dead.” Birdman “No, you’e Birdman. Without me, you’re you.”

Warlock: Interesting commentary.

 

*Jake walks in on Riggan destroying the room. Riggan tries to play off that he’s fine as Jake says he’s proud of him and that putting on this play takes balls. Riggan tries to quit the play saying he can’t do it as Jake says they have a full house of people waiting for them. Foreign diplomats are there as well*

Warlock: Why don’t I believe him?

 

*Lesley and Laura ask Jake if its true and Jake says no. Lesley calls him an asshole. Lesley visits Riggan who cut his hand. They talk before Lesley leaves. Mike walks up to the roof and Sam is there. Mike “For fucks sake just jump already.”

Warlock: Hahahaha

 

*Sam figures out Riggan popped Mike and Mike said he deserved it. Mike asks what the worst thing Riggan did to her, she says he was never around. She says he tried to make up for it by constantly trying to convince her she was special.Mike says he was right. Mike says she’s trying to play the fragile routine but she’s not. Mike says no amount of booze, weed or attitude is going to change her. Sam kisses him but he tells her no. She leaves*

Warlock: Wow, what an idiot.

 

*Sam “Truth or dare?” Mike “Truth” Sam “No, truth or dare?” She leaves.

Neyz: He doesn’t want to hook up with her because he sucks and he knows it.

 

*Sam asks how Mike can pretend to be someone else on stage. He says he pretends everywhere else but the stage. They share a deep kiss and we cut to the stage later on*

Warlock: Now he’s really gonna be hard.

 

*In the back, Riggan and Laura share bonding moments*

Neyz: She had a miscarriage.

 

*Riggan spots Mike kissing Sam before he goes on stage. Riggan then bums a cigarette from Jimmy (Joel Marsh Garland) and goes outside to smoke. The door closes on his bathrobe and he can’t break free. He then sheds his robe and walks the streets of New York City in his underwear*

Warlock: My favorite part.

 

*Riggan literally walks through Times Square in his underwear amidst hecklers and onlookers*

Neyz: Look at him he’s like “Ohhh shit.”

 

*Riggan walks in the front door as Ralph is there in a wheel chair. Riggan blows him off and walks in the entrance to the theater. He does his ending scene in the underwear and using a finger pistol.  He punches out Mike for real*

Warlock: Hahahahaha

 

*Jake gets a phone call from Mr Roth (Frank Ridley) who is Ralph’s attorney. The guy hangs up on Jake and Jake gets pissed. Meanwhile the play ends and Riggan walks into his room. Sam is waiting. He plays it off that he’s fine but Sam is hesitant to believe him. Riggan gets real with her and says he’s broke and the play is breaking him*

Warlock: He’s being real isn’t he?

Neyz: Mmmhmm.

 

*Sam gives Riggan a demonstration on how human’s have only been on Earth a short time. Riggan says he was a shitty father. Sam says he was just fine. Sam then says he’s trending for his walk around Time’s Square. 350,000 views in less than an hour*

Warlock and Neyz: Hahahahaha

 

*Riggan drinks at the bar with Tommy (William Youmans) the bartender. He goes to talk to Tabitha who blows him off. She says she’s gonna destroy his play without even seeing it*

Neyz: What a bitch.

 

*Tabitha explains she’s going to tear it apart without seeing it because Hollywood actors are garbage and they’re a disgrace to the theater. Riggan then goes on a rant calling her a lazy fucker. He then picks up a flower and says she doesn’t know what it is because it doesn’t have a label. Riggan says this play means everything to him. He then tells her to shove her badly written review up her tightly, wrinkled ass. She responds by saying she’s going to kill his play. He leaves his autographed cocktail napkin on the bar and leaves*

Neyz: He forgot his autograph.

Warlock: I think that was the point.

 

*Riggan buys a pint of whiskey in the liquor store. The owner (Rakesh Shah) looks at him funny*

Neyz: So now he’s drinking.

 

*A crazy man (Bill Camp) puts on a one man show until Riggan walks by. He stops*

Neyz: Oh hello.

 

*Riggan walks the streets of New York*

Neyz: This makes me feel drunk.

 

*Riggan wakes up on the street next morning to Birdman talking in his ear. He’s hungover as Birdman gives him a pep talk. Finally Birdman appears behind him and they walk one in front of the other. We then get a scene from a movie where Birdman saves the day from a giant vulture. Riggan levitates to the roof as Birdman continues to talk about making a comeback. Riggan snaps out of it, jumps off the roof and flies around*

Warlock: Confused?

Neyz: Very.

 

*Riggan continues to fly around util he lands in front of the theater he’s performing in. He’s followed in by an irate cab driver (Ebrahim Jaffer) saying he hasn’t been paid*

Warlock: Its all in his head.

 

*Theater patrons say the first half of the play is really good*

Warlock: I expected them to run out screaming.

 

*Sylvia goes to Riggan’s room to congratulate him so far in a room full of flowers*

Warlock: Aaaaachooooo!

 

*Riggan tells Sylvia about listening to Birdman and she ignores it. Riggan brings up a bad event from their past but the point is he tried to drown himself for letting Sylvia down. He then realized the water was full of jellyfish and he ran back out to the sand and rolled around. Sylvia said he told her it was a sunburn and he said he lied. Sylvia says she didn’t give a shit at that point. He says he loves her and he should have been there for the birth of Sam and he regrets it all. Sylvia calms him down as Annie calls for “last chance for places”. Riggan pulls out a real loaded gun and cocks it*

Warlock: That’s a real one….

Neyz: Why would he do that?

Warlock: You’ll see.

 

*Riggan walks out and does the final scene of the play. He then goes off the script and shoots himself for real*

Neyz: What the fuck?

 

*The crowd gives Riggan a standing O as Tabitha walks out. Riggan has a complete freakout of Spiderman, hotdogs and a marching band*

Neyz: I’m so confused.

Warlock: He’s freaking out.

 

*Riggan wakes up in the hospital with Sylvia next to his bed. Jake enters and talks to Riggan. He’s the talk of the town and Tabitha has written an amazing review of the play. Sylvia is more concerned that he shot the nose off his face. Jake says he can get any kind of nose he wants. He’ll get him book deals and he can see the future. Sylvia slaps him and says “Couldn’t see that coming.”

Neyz: Hahaha.

 

*Reporters barge into the room and Jake screams at them, calling them motherfuckers*

Warlock: Hahahahahahaha

 

*Sam makes her way to Riggan’s room and Sylvia greets her before leaving. Sam brings him flowers and he can’t smell them. Sam snaps a pic of him for his twitter page that she started and he has 80,000 followers. She’s going to get a vase for the flowers but first lays her head on his chest.*

Neyz: Awww that’s sweet. Like this movie is so fucked up, plus its sad. Why did he use a real gun?

Warlock: To make a statement, to do something Tabitha has never seen.

 

*Riggan walks into the bathroom and removes his bandages. Birdman is on the toilet taking a shit. Riggan ignores him, says “Bye bye….and fuck you.”

Warlock: You’re missing the symbolism.

Neyz: I guess so.

 

*Riggan sees birds flying overhead and opens the window. He climbs out*

Neyz: Nope, can’t watch it.

 

*Sam returns to the room, sees the window open and runs to it. She looks down and finds nothing but then looks up and smiles*

Neyz: Why is she happy? I don’t get it. I DON’T UNDERSTAND! THIS JAZZ MUSIC IS DRIVING ME CRAZY.

 

Neyzor Blades Assessment: I don’t knowwwww! This movie is so fucked up. I want cake! I give it a 7.5

The Warlock’s Assessment: I’ll give it an 8.5….its very confusing if you don’t get the symbolism. But the overall message, the acting, the realism, the comedy…..ALL of it was top notch.

Final Grade: 8 out of 10 – Brilliant!

 

*Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: I thought it was damn good. The internal struggle for acceptance by the public and at home can be draining and hard to achieve. Yes, sometimes you need to be on heavy drugs to understand what’s going on but for the most part its watchable. The ending was a little farfetched but what do you expect?

Neyz: I expect something I can understand!

Warlock: Well you can’t always get what you want.

Neyz: I want cake.

Warlock: Wonderful…..have a pleasant evening.

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