*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black t-shirt, leather jacket, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a mug of root beer*
Warlock: Welcome to my lair…..welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.
*Warlock tilts his head and the building begins to rumble before he walks inside*
Warlock: Tonight we begin the second half of this 6 Pack Horror Collection Mr. Wallstreet sent us. We found a hidden gem last time but can we keep up the momentum this time?
*Mr. America is in the recliner wearing white cammo fatigues, vest and hat along with black combat boots and aviator shades*
America: The first two made us want to kill ourselves.
Warlock: Oh come on they weren’t THAT bad.
America: Says you.
Warlock: I say you say nothing. Tonight’s movie is Wyvern, the 2009 Sci-Fi special.
America: Wyvern? What the hell is a Wyvern?
Warlock: Let’s find out.
*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*
Warlock: So let’s get started with Wyvern.
*Warlock reads the tag-line*
Warlock: “Ancient evil has come to feed”
America: *Glares* Ancient evil has come to feed…that’s it?
America: Does it feed on crap? Because that’s probably what this will be.
*Movie begins in Northern Alaska*
*Iceberg melts, a beast’s eye opens*
America: This seems like an odd place for ancient evil.
Warlock: Well it makes sense, nobody goes there other than people who live there.
*Fisherman (Dave Ward) cuts himself with a knife. A droplet of blood falls in the water and a giant sea monster with wings pops out of the water*
Warlock: CGI that actually looks good.
*Wyvern feeds on the fisherman, opening credits. Welcome to Beaver Falls, Alaska. Population 307*
America: That’s a town where everyone knows everyone.
*Radio DJ Hampton (Tinsel Korey) gives the day’s events over the radio. We’re shown Edna (Karen Austin) Deputy Barnes (Elaine Miles), Farley (Simon Longmore). Barnes gives Claire (Erin Karpluk) grief for checking out Jake (Nick Chinlund). Dr. David Yates (David Lewis) wants Jake to get his hand checked out when the insurance money that weekend*
Warlock: Hey its Billy Bedlam from Con Air.
America: Oh yeah.
*Haas (Barry Corbin) cockblocks David from hitting on Claire. Claire is more interested in Jake than David. Jake asks what’s wrong with him. Claire says there’s been 80 straight days of daylight. Jake asks whats with Colonel Travis Sherman (Don S Davis), she says not everyone made it through the 80 days sane.
*Colonel Travis walks outside. A whole entire dead moose drops from the sky into his pool. He looks in shock and then walks back inside. Meanwhile Edna talks to herself, pretending her dead friend Maggie is there. Claire plays along and then gives the food plate that was in front of “Maggie” to Farley sitting behind them. Farley says he only puts up with her behavior for breakfast. He complains its cold, she says shut up, its free. He shuts up*
Warlock and America: Hahahaha
*Claire explains to Jake that Maggie died last year and Edna is having trouble getting over it. Claire then says she’s sorry for Jake’s brother. He walks out and she calls herself an idiot*
Warlock: At least we’re getting some development.
*Jake listens to Hampton says Colonel Travis had a moose head dropped in his pool*
America: At least we know this movie’s love plot now.
*Travis is concerned his dog is gone. We get a harmonica record*
Warlock: And now the news blues….
*Jake is confronted by David outside Jake’s trailer. David tries to fix Jake’s hand. David says he wants Claire and he knows Claire wants Jake. David says he’s a doctor and Jake is an out of work ice trucker, there’s no chance Jake can compete. Jake says he’s not after her. David says sorry for the misunderstanding and leaves*
America: Ok he can go.
*David pulls over to take a piss. He hears something*
America: Thank you! My prayers may be answered.
*The Wyvern attacks, David ducks*
Warlock: He ducked.
*Wyvern chases David around*
America: Its still there. I don’t think you’re getting away that easy.
*David makes it to his car and goes to turn the car on*
Warlock: He left the door wide open.
*Wyvern crashes through the open door and kills David. Meanwhile David wakes up at 3 AM and Hampton says there’s been a great beast sighting but blows it off. Meanwhile Chief Dawson (John Shaw) and Jake share bonding moments outside*
Warlock: Development, its a miracle.
*Haas hunts in the woods*
Warlock: I;m hunting wabbits….shhhhhhh
*Haas finds a mound of droppings. Haas “That ain’t moose luggage”
*Haas spots the Wyvern and shoots at it. Dawson hears the shots and says he’s gonna check it out with Jake*
Warlock: Do civilians normally go on ride alongs?
America: NO! Cops usually don’t invite civilians on ride alongs. They could get fired.
*Jake and Dawson find Haas who fires recklessly. Haas rambles on about the Wyvern. Jake asks if he’s right, Dawson says nah he’s just crazy. Jake then spots a human arm. Dawson groans. Jake spots the rolex and the shirt and identifies David*
America: Good job, you just implicated yourself by saying you just saw him and identified what he was wearing.
*Dawson rings Barnes and says they found Yates. Barnes says his car was found 23 miles outside of the other side of town. Dawson asks how can his car be there and his arm be here. Dawson then starts to believe Haas and asks where the beast came from. Haas points upwards*
America: That’s lovely.
*Claire gets a call from Dawson to say rally everyone at the diner. Hampton, Farley, Edna and Claire wait for them. When Dawson, Jake and Haas walk in, Farley asks Haas if he’s okay. Haas says “No.”
America: Does he LOOK okay?
Warlock: Love how everybody in the movie still alive is there except maybe for one person.
*Dawson says Doc is missing and says a predator is out there. Haas says there’s a flying predator. Dawson says they need to take precautions. Dawson says they’re after a grizzly protecting her cubs. Farley “Um, bears don’t fly.” Barnes walks in with the Doc’s remains and everyone freaks out. Dawson shoos her away. Jake says to postpone the festival they have planned. Dawsons says they can’t. Barnes radioes Dawson and says there’s another incident. He says he’ll check it out*
America: Next time your radio goes off like that….GO OUTSIDE!
*Travis looks at the sky with a telescope and sees nothing. He uses binnoculars to spot the Wyvern and he freaks out*
*Hampton on the radio says Doc is missing. Travis in his car.”He ain’t missing. He’s breakfast and we’re all gonna be lunch!”
Warlock and America: Hahahaha
*Travis pulls over when Wyvern flies by. He says “Send in the troops!”
Warlock: Yeah really. Send in the Kurt Angle SWAT Team.
*Travis runs up to Barnes and says reptilian aliens are after him. Barnes says he needs to get some sleep*
*Travis demands Barnes take action but she refuses. She radioes the chief but Dawson is investigating a barn. He finds body parts, pukes and passes out*
Warlock: Wow, what a wuss.
*Travis confronts Hampton and says the people need to be warned. He needs her to put out an emergency broadcast and she refuses saying she doesn’t have the authority. Travis runs over to Farley and tries to get him to believe him. Farley doesn’t but he’s packing anyway. Travis says he’s on his own like in Nam*
Warlock: Nobody believes him.
*The Wyvern then drops on the radio station, Hampton sees it and tries to send out an emergency signal…the power is cut*
Warlock: Too late now.
*Dawson tries to radio Barnes but she’s passed out in her car. She finally wakes up and Dawson says to shut the festival down, there are multiple victims. Barnes then gets on a megaphone and cancels the festival. The extras in the background are pissed. Meanwhile the Wyvern appears out of nowhere and kills Barnes. The Wyvern pases by the diner and breaks in. Jake leads Edna and Claire to safety but Haas stays behind*
Warlock: Well now there’s no doubt that there is a monster around.
*The power goes out as Haas grabs a butter knife*
Warlock: Oh that’s gonna help.
*Hampton and Farley run toward Jake as Wyvern flies off with another extra*
*Claire thinks its a dragon. Hampton says it knocked the radio tower out and the lines. Edna says its old testament revenge. The end of days*
Warlock: End of Days was 1999, they’re 10 years late.
America: Better late than never.
*Haas says its a Wyvern. Its an ancient Eskimo legend about a dragon sent by Satan himself to roam the earth eating the souls and corpses of evildoers. Eventually Wyvern got bored with that and began everything in sight until it bit the god Odin. Odin banished Wyvern to eternity locked in the ice caps. Now that the ice caps have melted, Wyvern has been released*
Warlock: Other than the Odin part and the Satan reference, the rest makes a good story. Could have just said it got caught in the ice caps before the ice age.
*Jake asks how they can stop it. Haas says sacrifice a virgin. Jake says the need to find Dawson. Jake and Claire go off to look for him. Dawson is on his way back*
*Travis finds a 7 car pileup and dead bodies. He runs for cover. Meanwhile Hampton tries to radio for help, no answer*
Warlock: Of course magically no one hears them.
*Dawson makes it back to town. The Wyvern goes to attack and Dawson shoots at it. Wyvern catches up, decapitates him and drags the body away*
America: So much for the Chief.
*Jake and Claire search in the woods*
Warlock: So he’s gonna go after it unarmed?
America: I don’t think he expects to fight it. He just wants to find out what’s going on.
*Wyvern stalks Claire in Jake’s truck. Eventually it spots her and she starts shooting with her gun*
America: Now it knows she’s there.
*Jake runs up and Claire hugs him. Travis shows up with an AR-15 and says Wyvern isn’t letting anybody leave town. They’re gonna have to stay and fight it. Travis, Jake and Claire drive back to town. Edna, Farley, Haas and Hampton chill in the diner. Edna hears the radio. “I hear voices” Farley “What else is new?”
*Jake asks where the Chief is, Hampton reports he’s gone. Haas says they have to get out of there. Jake says to get strapped and packed, they’re coming back*
Warlock: 35 minutes left.
*Jake says Wyvern is making a nest out of shit scattered around town. Jake and Hampton make a run for the Chief’s truck for supplies. Hampton mans the AR-15 and Jake finds a shotgun and a rifle. Travis runs out and collects the ammo. Jake goes to fix the radio antennae when he hears the Wyvern. Hampton runs out on the street to cover Jake. Back at the cafe Claire daydreams out the door and Haas yells at her to get back in there*
America: Do you not remember the first encounter where it stuck out its neck by 5 feet into the diner?
*The Wyvern is approaching as he tries to fix the antennae. Jake nearly falls off the roof but Hampton grabs the antennae then runs. Jake makes inside the diner too. They try to rig the antennae inside the diner to radio for help*
Warlock: Wouldn’t be much of a movie if they got help.
*Jake pretends to be the Chief to declare an emergency. He says they’ve had an explosion, lines are down and need help. Farley says they didn’t have an explosion and Jake off the radio says “You think they’ll believe us if we say a Wyvern attacked?”
Warlock: The Ice Cream Man Police would.
*Farley, Haas, Travis, Jake, Claire, Edna and Hampton are the only ones left in town. Everone screambles for supplies until the Wyvern appears out of nowhere and attacks Farley. He gets slashed across the chest but runs inside*
Warlock: Nope not fatal yet.
*Meanwhile at the nest, a one armed David wakes up*
Warlock: Woah, didn’t see that coming.
America: I think at this point its only a matter of time.
*David uses his remaining arm to tourniquet his stump*
Warlock: That was a cool special effect. I give props for creativity, did NOT expect him to still be alive.
*David spots the eggs in the nest before the scene cuts as Wyvern attacks*
America: You were saying?
*Jake and Claire share bonding moments. Jake says he killed his own brother. He says his brother had the flu so he had to drive for 4 days straight. He hallucinated and crashed, the ice water melted, drowned his brother and his hand broke in the process. He let go of his brother and he died. He blames himself.*
Warlock: Development…what a miracle.
*Claire says it wasn’t his fault. Nature killed his brother, not him. Haas then shouts that its coming back carrying something. Wyvern comes back and drops David in the middle of the street. It then perches and waits*
*Jake says he has to go get him even though its a trap. He runs out as everyone opens fire on Wyvern. Farley runs out and sacrifices himself so Jake can pull David inside. Wyvern carries Farley away. Haas “Dammit Farley”
Warlock: What was he thinking?
*A rescue chopper approaches and radios Hampton if they need help. Jake says to stay away. A CGI helicopter approaches and Wyvern easily grabs it and throws it down, a small explosion*
America: Worst looking CGI chopper ever.
Warlock: Least it was quick.
*Claire and Edna patch up David. He wakes up and says “eggs”. Claire jokes they stopped serving them. David says no, the Wyvern has eggs. David says “Kill it….” then dies
America: David is no more.
Warlock: They kept him alive long enough to give them that valuable intel that Wyvern has eggs.
*Edna stays behind while the remaining survivors head for the nest where David went missing originally. They find the next and the eggs*
America: Those are definitely eggs.
Warlock: Three movies in a row we got super giant monster that lays eggs. Anybody notice a pattern here?
*Haas goes to rig the portable generator but Wyvern appears and impales him. Jake fixes the generator and scares off the Wyvern with bullet holes in its wings. Haas is gone*
*Travis unloads on the eggs but Jake stops him. “The eggs are bait”
Warlock: Quick thinking.
*The four survivors drive past abandoned cars left and right. They stop to investigate*
Warlock: Why are they stopping?
*Travis asks why they’re stopped. He spots a big rig truck and says that’s HIS truck. Whoever drove it into town got attacked. Jake says to load up the truck because they’re going hunting. Really bad pump up song plays*
Warlock: Not exactly Gimmie All Your Lovin.
*Jake puts on his trucker’s hat as he sends Travis and the girls back to Edna. He drives off*
Warlock: UFO’s and big rigs…they come from outer spaceeeeee
America: The song is okay, its not horrible.
*Jake blares his horn every 3 seconds with the egg strapped in the back*
America: What the hell are you doing?
Warlock: Trying to lure the Wyvern.
*The GPS says “10 miles to destination*
Warlock: Gotta love those 2009 Tom Toms.
*Jake hits the brakes and Wyvern crashes head first into the back of the truck*
Warlock: *in James Hetfield voice* WHIPLASH!
America: Well you just gave it a migraine.
*Wyvern attacks the truck, Jake fights it off as long as he can. Wyvern spots the egg in the passenger seat*
Warlock: Gimmie my son back!
*Wyvern smashes through the window as Jake steers off the road. Wyvern is caught as the truck goes over the cliff and explodes, taking the eggs and Wyvern out with it*
America: That’s one way of doing it.
*Claire waits for Jake at the diner and eventually he walks back*
Warlock: Watch, another one attacks!
*Jake says its over. They can all sleep now. Edna, Travis, Claire and Jake walk back into the diner. Edna finally admits Maggie died a year earlier. Jake “Good for you.” Night finally descends. The end credits open with a graphic “In Memory of Don S Davis”
Warlock: Wow, he must have died just after filming this.
Mr America’s Assessment: I give it a 4. At least there was a plot that made sense. They tried to develop some characters.
The Warlock’s Assessment: I give it a 5 out of 10. A somewhat hokey storyline of a prehistoric monster but it did have decent character development.
Final Grade: 4.5 out of 10 – Below Average.
*Warlock rises from the couch*
Warlock: Well, after the first 2 sucked, the last two were at least watchable. Wyvern COULD have been better with a bit more time and budget but this the best they could do. The acting ranged from good to bad but that was to be expected. So if we’re scoring at home, that’s two good and two bad.
America: Hey hey hey wait, I never said this was good.
Warlock: Oh shaddup, at least it was watchable.
America: Watchable is not good.
Warlock: Will you stop? I’ll have you taken out of here.
America: Watch-a-ble is not good!
Warlock: Have a pleasant evening.