166. The Magnificent Seven (1960)

magnificent-seven-poster

*The Warlock, Mr. America, Thug D and The Grand Wizard are riding into Armadillo on horseback. The Warlock is dressed as John Marston on a horse named War. Thug D is dressed as Clint Eastwood and riding a horse named Famine. Mr. America is dressed as an 1860’s Union soldier in full uniform on a horse named Pestilence. The Grand Wizard is dressed as John Wayne on a horse named Death. They hitch their horses outside the Saloon and walk in. Its bustling with activity from hookers to a blackjack game, a poker game, Liar’s Dice and Five Finger Filet. They belly up to the bar the bartender is Dr. Taylor Ahern dressed as an 1800’s bartender*

Taylor: Wow, its the famed Four Horsemen. I’m honored, sirs.

Wizard: Four shots of whiskey, leave the bottle.

 

*After the men take their shots, they sit at the poker table occupied by Neyzor Blades dressed as Sharon Stone. The dealer is Mr. Wallstreet dressed as an 1880’s banker. Lady T is on his right dressed as one of the workers of the saloon*

Lady: Howdy boys, come here often?

 

*D doesn’t answer, Warlock nods, America says yes and Wizard tips his cap*

Lady: Strong silent type, I like that.

 

*A poker game goes on, Wizard and America are out first. Warlock goes all in against Neyzor with two aces and a 9 as the draw, 9 as the turn and an 8 on the river. Neyz calls*

Warlock: Read em and weep.

*Warlock turns over his card, he’s got the deadman’s hand of aces and eights.

Neyz: More like read em and cry your ass off.

*Neyz flips over to reveal an ace and nine, full house*

Warlock: Fuck!

*the whole table laughs*

Wizard: She got ya.

Warlock: Ma’am

*Warlock tips his hat as he leaves the table, America and Wizard get up as well*

America: Now what?

Warlock: Hey look.

*Warlock points to the back of the Saloon where a private showing of The Magnificent Seven is starting*

Wizard: Sounds good to me.

Warlock: D you coming?

D: After I clean out the lovely ladies…and this guy here.

*Warlock, America and Wizard take their seats in the viewing room*

Warlock: Let’s get this started.

 

*The Grand Wizard reads the tag-line*

Wizard: “An oppressed Mexican peasant village hires seven gunfighters to help defend their homes.”

Warlock: That is the shortest tag-line I’ve ever heard.

America: Well, summary is to the point.

 

*Opening credits*

Warlock: “This film is based on the Japanese movie “Seven Samurai”

America: Great, we go from samurai to cowboys.

 

*Group of Mexican villagers look at each other*

America: Those look like a bunch of bad guys.

 

*Mexican banditos ride through town*

Warlock: I think those are the bad guys.

 

*Calvera (Eli Wallach) is the leader and he and his men pillage the town of chickens and money*

Warlock: What friendly banditos. The Ugly is having a blast.

 

*Calvera goes on a rant about his latest raids. Calvera slaps Sotero (Rico Alaniz) around for saying he sees religion dying*

Warlock: Ugly can cut a promo.

 

*Calvera prepares to leave town and says he’ll be back to pillage more. Rafael (Jose Chavez) goes to attack and Calvera shoots him dead. His wife grieves over his body*

Warlock: So we’ve established the heel.

America: Not impressed.

 

*Sotero picks up the dead man as other villagers start gathering around*

America: They show the body being dragged away and they cut to all these villagers walking up. One of them has a donkey with hay on it. What good’s that gonna do to the dead guy?

 

*The villagers ponder what to do next. One say they live in poverty but they still live. Another says to fight back*

Warlock: I say fight back!

 

*Three of the villagers ride to a nearby town. Vin Tanner (Steve McQueen) watches two men argue over someone being buried. The townspeople refuse to bury the person because he was an Indian. Chris Larabee Adams (Yul Brynner) volunteers to drive the wagon. Vin rides shotgun with Chico (Horst Buchholz) running behind*

Warlock: Wonderful, least we got three of them early.

 

*Tanner has his shotgun ready as 5 gunmen stand in front of Boot Hill*

Warlock: Showdown.

 

*Two men attempt to draw but Chris disarms them with a quickdraw. The townsfolk walk up to the wagon with the casket and the gunman retreat*

Warlock: That was easy.

 

*Henry (Val Avery) puts over the work of Tanner and Adams*

Warlock: You want some traveling salesemen medicine?

America: Hardly.

 

*Tanner and Adams establish rapport as Chico watches intently*

Wizard: The secondary actors are all character actors.

 

*Hilario (Jorge Martinez De Hoyos), Tomas (Pepe Hern) and Miguel (John A Alonzo) try to hire Adams to protect the town. They need money for hired guns and guns themselves*

Warlock: Are you in for a fight?

America: I’m ready.

 

*The trio try to buy Chris but he says he’ll do it for free. They’ll fight with him when Calvera returns to town. Adams tells them to be ready for bloodshed if they go through with this*

Warlock: Wonderful.

 

*Adams says HE may not go but to spread the word that they need hired guns. Adams says he’ll think of guys he can bring in too. Chico walks in and volunteers*

Warlock: Well that was easy.

 

*Adams tests his reflexes and Chico fails miserably. He runs off. There’s a tap on the door but nobody is behind it. Charles walks out and Harry Luck (Brad Dexter) reveals himself. He volunteers to help out*

Warlock: Ever seen that actor before?

America: I can’t place him.

 

*Tanner walks into a saloon and goes to the crapgame*

Warlock: The dealer looks pissed.

 

*Sitting at a table is Adams, Miguel, Tomas and Sotero. Tanner loses the game and groans*

America: He does not look happy.

 

*Adams asks Tanner if he wants in. Tanner says yes*

Warlock: Now there’s three.

 

*Tanner and Adams are looking for Bernardo O’Reilly (Charles Bronson). He’s out back chopping wood*

America: Sunscreen wasn’t invented yet right?

Warlock: Yeah.

 

*Adams asks O’Reilly if he wants in. O’Reilly says how many opponents. Adams says 30 and O’Reilly stops chopping. He asks what’s the pay and Adams says 20 dollars. O’Reilly is in*

Warlock: That’s 4.

 

*Britt (James Coburn) is taking a nap*

America: Hahahaha

 

*Some fathead challenges Britt to some kind of a duel. Britt says nothing and tells the fathead to stand against the post yards away. The guy draws a gun and shoots a cup while Britt throws a knife into the post. The fathead says he won, Britt says he lost. Nobody disagrees with Britt. Fathead calls him a liar and Britt ignores him, going back to sleep. The fathead challenges him to a real duel. He shoots at Britt’s feet and it doesn’t faze him. The fathead’s name is Wallace (Robert J Wilke). The real duel commences and Britt catches him in the chest with a throwing knife. He dies instantly*

Warlock: Was there poison on that thing?

 

*Britt goes to leave but Chris is awaiting. He has a proposal*

Wizard: Coburn was stoic in this role.

 

*Adams goes back to the trio and puts over Britt. Chico barges in drunk and shaking with rage. He stutters and stammers before pulling a gun. Adams just ignores him and smokes his cigar even as Chico shoots rounds at him. Chico shouts at him to face him. O’Reilly and Harry nearby look on confused. Chico then has a nervous breakdown on the bar before passing out*

Warlock: What the hell was that?

America: He’s drunk, you couldn’t figure that out?

 

*Britt walks in and accepts the offer to join. Adams and Tanner return to their hotel rooms, only Adams has a visitor. Lee (Robert Vaughn) is waiting for him. Lee cuts a promo saying he’s the man they need. Adams said he thought he was after someone else. Lee says he found them. Lee wants his money up front*

Warlock: Real friendly dude.

America: I’ve seen him before.

Warlock: He chased the A-Team and was the evil owner in Baseketball.

America: Oh yeahhhhh

 

*The six ride with the trio with Chico trailing behind. Tanner says he won’t take no for an answer. Later all seven men and the trio camp out by a fire*

Warlock: No character development scene?

Wizard: Things worked differently then.

 

*Chico catches a fish with his bare hands*

America: Oh boy, he caught a fish.

 

*Adams is impressed and invites Chico to ride with the group*

Warlock: And there’s your seven.

 

*The whole group rides into town. They tell Sotero and the others that they have the guns ready. Suddenly the alarm bells go off. Sotero asks who did it, Chico reveals he did. He cuts a promo calling all the townspeople chickens. He rallies everyone to start defending the town*

America: Well he’s a good talker.

Warlock: But can he go in the ring?

America: Heh.

 

*Tanner and Harry talk about girls*

Warlock: Its not so bad, we may get arrested.

America: What are you talking about?

 

*O’Reilly whittles a flute and plays it as children look on*

Warlock: Whittlin Willie here.

 

*A boy runs into town and runs up to Adams. Chico watches him*

America: He’s SUSPICIOUS!

 

*Adams walks with the boy, Tanner stands up*

America: Something’s up.

 

*Adams tells Britt that there’s a group of Calvera’s men nearby. He says to take Lee and go bring back one alive*

Warlock: Try not to kill everybody.

 

*Lee and Britt runs through the foliage*

Warlock: “I got you! No I got you! ba-dow ba-dow!”

 

*Chico follows along*

Warlock: Uh oh, he’s not supposed to be there.

 

*Britt finds all the horses hitched and sits by a tree, Chico hiding in the nearby weeds. Back in town, all the guns are ready as a celebration goes on in the streets. Back at the horses, Britt continues to chill out. Lee cocks his gun*

Warlock: Easy, you’ll shoot your foot off.

 

*Chico nonchalantly says hi to one of the banditos. Chico shoots one, Britt shoots another one. One guy rides off and Britt shoots him from 300 yard away. Chico says it was the best shot he’d ever seen. Britt says it was the worst, he was aiming for the horse*

America and Wizard: Hahahahahaha

 

*Adams rallies the townsfolk and says they’ll have time to train for Calvera’s men when they ride into town. They’ll be expecting to fight the Seven, not all of them*

Warlock: A real town activity.

 

*Luck, O’Reilly and Tanner teach Miguel, Tomas and Hilario to shoot rifles*

Warlock: Can they really break their arm shooting.

America: Duh!!!

 

*Harry says there is a goldmine nearby and the townsfolk say there’s nothing there*

Warlock: Somebody is lying.

 

*The donkey with the hay attached walks off*

Warlock: See, there’s the donkey again.

America: How does that help?

Warlock: In those days they tied it to gunshot wounds.

 

*Chico spots a bull and smiles*

America: I don’t like how he’s staring at that bull.

 

*An upbeat theme plays as Chico starts trying to play bullfighter*

Warlock: Hey, El Matador, cut it out.

America: I hope that bull does gore you!

 

*The bull doesn’t move despite Chico waiving his vest around*

Warlock: Simply waving a vest isn’t going to make him attack, he has to be attacked or scared.

 

*Chico hangs his vest on one of the horns*

America: He’s not a coat rack either, jackass.

 

*Chico spots someone spying on him. Its Petra (Rosenda Monteros). She’s a spy as well and Chico restrains her. He asks where Calvera is and she says she’ll never tell him. He picks her up and carries her*

Warlock: I’d say its a Fireman’s Carry, but there were no firemen in the old west.

 

*Chico brings her to the group. Chico says the women are hidden. Tanner picks her up and puts her back on the horse and tells Chico to go bring them in*

America: Love how Tanner has his hands up after he puts her on the horse like he’s saying “Hey don’t attack me.”

Warlock: The only thing missing from this movie is Leonard Nimoy.

America: How? Why???

 

*Petra serves dinner to the Seven, Tanner thanks her. O’Reilly walks in and shames them into feeding the needy townsfolk*

Warlock: Nice going O’Reilly.

 

*Tanner checks out the women as Britt tries to teach the men to shoot. O’Reilly gets pissed with Hilario when he can’t shoot straight. O’Reilly says use the gun as a club instead*

Warlock: Hahhahahahaha

 

*Tanner and Adams meet the Old Man (Vladimir Sokolof) who refuses to come to town. He says they’ll be safe there*

Warlock: Oh well.

 

*Calvera and his men return to town. Adams is there to greet him. Calvera laughs by saying there’s 40 of his men and only 7 against. Adams says to just go away but Calvera is indignant. Calvera tries to buy them off. They refuse. Calvera says he’ll be back with an army. Somebody starts shooting and its bedlam and chaos*

Warlock: McQueen heads for the hills.

 

*Everyone but Lee starts shooting at Calvera and his men. The townfolk help out as Calvera and his top man Santos (Valentin De Vargas) make it out of there with a few guys. The townsfolk celebrates*

Warlock: We did it fellas!

America: You did nothing.

 

*Chico does an Indian dance around his hat*

Warlock: I can dance better than that.

 

*Tomas “I was never so frightened in my life”

Warlock: Heh.

 

*The men gather around Adams*

Warlock: For he’s a jolly good fellow, for he’s a jolly good fellow!

 

*Shooting breaks out and nearly takes out a few guys. They investigate and its snipers. They shoot Chico’s hat off but not Chico himself*

Warlock: I don’t think the hat’s gonna make it.

America: Probably not.

 

*Two boys (Mario Navarro and Danny Bravo) join behind O’Reilly. They banter with him*

America: Heh, what a compliment.

 

*Miguel and Tanner share bonding moments. Petra jumps in the pit with Chico and they share moments too*

Warlock: This is too serious for a sub-plot.

 

*Sotero and Adams discuss their next move. They figure Calvera will be back with an army*

Warlock: Oh wonderful. Now they’re really in trouble.

 

*Chico tries on a sombrero as Adams is distraught. He explains himself as Lee chimes in*

Warlock: Yeah big help Lee.

 

*Chico uses the sombrero to disguise himself and enter Calvera’s camp*

Warlock: Oh boy, a spy.

 

*Lee has a sleepwalking nightmare and he freaks completely out*

America: Must have been some dream.

Wizard: He’s gun shy after being through hell in the war.

 

*O’Reilly talks with the boys. The boys run off and Adams asks about his real name. O’Reilly says Bernardo is his real name. Mexican on one side, Irish on the other*

Warlock: Yeah….meanwhile Chico is German, the Old Man is Russian and Eli Wallach is Italian.

 

*Harry talks with the men and says there’s gold in them there hills. Meanwhile Chico walks in and says Calvera isn’t going away. He’s going to raid the town by force. Half the men want to run away, the other half want to stay and fight*

Warlock: Cowards.

America: Chickenshits.

Wizard: Pussies.

 

*Adams bring in Britt, Tanner, Harry and O’Reilly to talk. Tanner and Harry want to leave because the odds are too high, Britt and Adams want to fight*

Warlock: Even they can’t figure it out.

 

*Chico and Petra share bonding moments*

Warlock: Oh no, not this shit again.

 

*Chico and Petra kiss*

Warlock: Saw that coming.

 

*Adams plan is to bushwhack Calvera before dawn. They go to Calvera’s camp but everyone is gone*

America: That was too easy.

Warlock: Something’s wrong.

 

*The group rides back to town*

Warlock: Well that was easy, drinks are on me!

 

*Back in town Calvera pops up and his gang surrounds the Seven. He demands a meeting with Adams*

Warlock: SURPRISE!!!!

 

*Calvera reveals Sotero and a few others arranged for him to return to take power. Calvera gives Adam a choice, either work for him, get the hell out of town or die. The Seven begin handing over their guns one by one. Adams then whacks Chico and makes him give up his gun belt. Calvera says take what they want and leave*

Warlock: A real humanitarian.

 

*Adams at the saloon is pissed and Tanner tells him a story of how he was a hired gun once. He wanted to give up the lifestyle*

Warlock: Yeah, that didn’t work.

 

*The boys are sad O’Reilly is leaving. One of the boys calls the townsfolk cowards and O’Reilly spanks him. He says the parents in town are NOT cowards, they hold great responsibility of being farmers and parents, defending the town with bare hands and no guns*

Warlock: That’s a powerful speech. Of course now that’s child abuse right?

America: Of course.

 

*The men prepare to leave town and Calvera taunts them as they leave. They’re escorted out of town by Santos. He drops their weapons on the ground before he turns back. They all re-arm themselves. Chico curses the farmers as Harry says he’s out of there. Harry wants Lee to join him but Lee stays behind. Harry rides off leaving the remaining six behind*

Warlock: Well he was a hired gun that didn’t get paid, had to expect that.

 

*The Six rush the town and open fire on Calvera’s men*

Warlock: They bushwhacked them.

America: What an ambush.

 

*Calvera runs out and Britt just misses him. Chico fires blindly as Tanner gets hit in the leg. Calvera pulls his gun as Harry rides into town blasting. He gets hit in the gut and they drag him inside. O’Reilly gets tagged as Calvera’s men storm the saloon. Harry dies in Adams arms as O’Reilly slides down the building he was on*

Warlock: Uh oh….

 

*Tanner and Adams start blasting the banditos as Lee runs on the scene*

Warlock: Take that you interlopers.

 

*Lee kicks the door to the jail in, kills the guards and frees the 3 Amigos. The Amigos bullrush the banditos with mele weapons and attack*

Warlock: With a chair! I love it.

 

*Lee is shot and killed*

Warlock: Oh shit, that’s two down.

 

*Adams tags Calvera in the gut, he falls*

Warlock: That was early. Usually the leader is the last to go.

 

*The townspeople win the town back as the banditos begin to retreat*

Warlock: Retreatttttttttt

 

*Calvera dies*

Warlock: What??? Little early.

 

*Britt takes a shot to the chest and dies*

Warlock: Damn….that’s three.

 

*The boys rush to O’Reilly’s aid. He’s tagged again and he tells the boys to look at their fathers and be proud*

Warlock: Good point.

 

*O’Reilly dies in the boys arms*

Warlock: Wow, Lee, O’Reilly, Britt and Harry didn’t make it.

Wizard: A reality based movie, not everyone survives a shootout like in other cliche westerns.

 

*The old man wishes Tanner, Chico and Adams well as they leave*

Warlock: Adios.

America: BYEEEEEEEEE

 

*The 3 remaining guys ride out of town*

Warlock: The town’s undertaker is gonna be rich.

 

*Chico spots Petra and stops. Tanner and Adams say adios and he goes back to get her. The boys rig up makeshift crosses for the 4 dead guys. Tanner and Adams ride off. THE END*

America: Oh, hey lion.

 

The Grand Wizard has no assessment:

Mr. America’s Assessment: I give it a 7.5, it was really good.

The Warlock’s Assessment: I give it an 8. It was pretty realistic with heroes dying as well as villains.

Final Grade: 7.5 out of 10 – Magnificent.

 

*The Grand Wizard, Mr. America and The Warlock stand up.  Thug D walks into the viewing room*

D: Am I too late?

Warlock: Yup, movie just ended.

America: How’d you do?

D: I won 500 dollars with 4-7 off suit.

Warlock: Lucky you.

*The four men head out of the saloon*

Warlock: time to mosey on out of here, but something doesn’t feel right.

America: Yeah, shouldn’t this have a proper ending?

*All of a sudden, Lady T, Mr. Wallstreet and Neyzor Blades ride up on theor own horses*

Americ: Yep, that’s more like it.

Warlock: Have a pleasant evening

*Warlock, America, Wallstreet, D, Neyz, Lady T and Wizard ride off into the sunset*

 

THE END

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