5 HOURS AGO
*The Warlock gets a Skype call from The Mysterious Benefactor*
Warlock: What do you want?
TMB: Its time.
Warlock: Vader time?
TMB: No, to meet. There’s something you should know.
Warlock: You mean meet in person?
TMB: No, stay home and beat your meat….of course meet in person. Its time you know the truth.
Warlock: The truth?
TMB: Yes the truth. You really think I could afford all the movies I send you?
Warlock: What do you mean?
TMB: I’m just a frontman. The REAL financial supporter wants to reveal himself.
Warlock: Alright I’ll bite, where am I going?
TMB: I’ll send you the coordinates.
Warlock: An address would be just fine.
*The Warlock is standing in the rain outside a large mansion. He’s wearing a black leather jacket, black t-shirt, gargoyle shades, blue jeans and white sneakers*
Warlock: This must be the place.
*Thunder rumbles and lightning strikes as Warlock makes his way to the entrance.
Warlock: I feel like I’m at the Schloss Adler.
*Warlock uses a knocker and the door opens by itself*
Warlock: Some idiot forgot to shut the door, wonderful.
*Warlock walks inside, the front hall has a large staircase with 2 gargoyles as the banister. There’s a neon pink sign with an arrow pointed to a room to the right of the staircase*
Warlock: Could have just used a piece of paper and a marker to draw the arrow.
*Warlock walks to the main hall where there’s a throne overlooking the hall area. There are two reclining chairs set up near the throne. Nearby the throne is a table with a laptop hooked up. Sitting in the throne is The Mysterious Benefactor wearing a black cloak and hood with spiked shoulderpads*
Warlock: So you’re the benefactor?
*TMB looks up at Warlock*
TMB: No, I’m actually not. I was just the frontman for the real benefactor.
Warlock: Then why the charade?
TMB: He felt it wasn’t necessary to key you in on who he was when you started commentating movies.
Warlock: So why reveal himself now?
TMB: He honestly thought you’d have given up by now. A normal man wouldn’t dare put himself through over 150 movies of torture.
*Warlock flicks his wrist and fire appears from his palm*
Warlock: Who says I’m normal?
TMB: Easy, easy. It wasn’t an insult, it was a compliment. Our benefactor will explain everything himself. Care to meet him?
Warlock: Ready when you are.
*TMB uses a mini-remote to bring down a large big screen in front of the throne. Warlock takes a step back as TMB makes it to his feet and stands to the side of it by the laptop*
TMB: Allow me to introduce the real benefactor.
*TMB cues up Skype. It rings and a face of a man appears on screen when the call goes through. Warlock smirks and shakes his head*
Warlock: I should have known.
*The man is none other than Mr. Wallstreet. He’s wearing a gold suit with a silver tie and he’s sitting at a desk in a large chair*
Mr. Wallstreet: Surprised Warlock?
Mr. Wallstreet: It does make sense doesn’t it? Who else had the money to finance over 150 movies? Who else had the ability to send you what you wanted, when you wanted?
Warlock: That’s not what surprises me. I agree all that does make sense.
Wallstreet: Then what does surprise you?
Warlock: The fact you sat with Mr. America and I through over 30 movies, fought the Demonic Toys with us, navigated Hell’s Highway with us, encountered Brick Bardo and Ooga Booga and got chased by a Secret Clown.
Wallstreet: Hey that’s not fair, the clown didn’t chase us, you guys freaked out and ran.
Warlock: Bottom line is, why the ruse?
Wallstreet: I got a kick out of the movies we were doing for a while. I didn’t want to give away who I was so I had my associate here pretend to be the benefactor supplying you guys so I could enjoy the movies with you. When the movies started getting real bad and I was getting chased by Lucinda and the Dermonic Toys, I figured it was time to step away.
Warlock: And that’s when you moved to Florida.
Wallstreet: Exactly, away from the chaos.
Warlock: So why reveal yourself now?
Wallstreet: I’ve kept tabs on you guys the past few months without me and its clear you need a replacement.
Warlock: Yeah, America and I were going to host auditions.
Wallstreet: No need for that, our associate here is ready to step in.
*TMB walks over and stands in front of the screen*
Warlock: Well if he’s not the benefactor, I guess I could put him to work.
Wallstreet: That’s the spirit. I’ll let you two work out the details. You’ll be hearing from me shortly. Good day Warlock.
*Wallstreet ends the Skype chat and TMB shuts off the Skype chat*
Warlock: Well, what do we call you then?
*TMB removes the hooded cloak and spiked shoulder pads. He’s wearing a jean jacket with patches of bands such as Iron Maiden, Leatherwolf, Motorhead, Metallica, Armored Saint and Anthrax along with black sneakers and black jeans*
TMB: Just call me….*he puts on Oaklie sunglasses*…Thug D
Warlock: Alright, you got a name and look, you got a movie?
Thug D: Yes I do.
*He goes over to the laptop and cues it up*
Thug D: Take a seat.
*Warlock sits in one of the recliners as Thug D starts the movie*
Warlock: So what are we doing?
*Thug D joins him in the recliner next to him*
Thug D: Batman Forever.
Warlock: I’ve never actually seen it.
Thug D: I know, Wallstreet told me.
Warlock: Let’s begin.
*The Warlock reads the tag-line*
Warlock: “Batman must battle Two-Face and The Riddler with help from an amorous psychologist and a young circus acrobat who becomes his sidekick, Robin”
Thug D: Holy dogshit Batman.
*Joel Schumaker film*
D: We’re screwed now.
D: He does a lot of shitty movies.
*Batman (Val Kilmer) gets packed for battle*
Warlock: Updated bat mobile.
*Alfred (Michael Gough) asks if Batman will take a sandwich with him. Batman “I’ll get drive thru”
D: He got the shits the last time.
*Harvey “Two Face” Dent (Tommy Lee Jones) taunts some bank guard (Joe Grifasi) with a rant about justice and luck*
Warlock: He looks like he’s having fun.
D: Yeah, burn victims get purple hair and purple scars.
*Commissioner Gordon (Pat Hingle) and Dr. Chase Meridian (Nicole Kidman) talk with Batman*
D: She secretly wants his dick.
Warlock: That’s no secret.
*Chase says Batman is a rodent, he says they’re not rodents*
D: Think twice about insulting bats, bitch.
*Two Face’s gang opens fire on a bank vault*
Warlock: Worst looking Tommy Guns ever.
*Batman beats the fuck out of the gang. One guy uses a strange electric gun*
Warlock: What the hell is that?
D: Its like a weird electric thing.
*Batman enters the vault and goes to free the guard, he shouts its a trap*
D: Come on Batman, you’re better than this.
*Outside, Gordon is stunned*
Warlock: I want his hat.
*Two Face’s plan is to boil them in the same acid that got thrown in his face*
*Batman steals the guy’s hearing aid to open the vault door*
D: I left mine in my other belt.
*Guard screams and shouts*
Warlock: This guy is annoying.
*Batman “Hang on”*
D: I’m acting.
*Batman is hanging on to a zip line as Two Face’s chopper swings him around*
Warlock: Nice CGI
*Two Face laughs as he thinks Batman is gone. So of course he appears on the windshield. Two Face blows away his own pilot trying to kill Batman. Batman “You need help Harvey, give it up”
Warlock: He needs shock treatment.
*Two Face jumps out of the chopper with a parachute on. The chopper crashes into the head of the statue of Liberty, the face is damaged*
Warlock: Ah that will be fixed in 2 weeks.
*Bruce Wayne (Batman’s real name) visits Dr. Edward Nygma (Jim Carrey), he is very weird. Bruce is with Fred Stickley (Ed Begley Jr). Nygma’s invention is to manipulate brain waves*
D: You can make a smoothie on your head.
*Nygma asks if Bruce will OK his invention but he wants an answer right now. Bruce says no and walks away*
D: If he had said yes, Batman would have had an hour and 45 minutes of peace and quiet.
*Nygma is crushed and says “You were supposed to understand”
D: I wonder what happened when his family said no to buying him Matchbox cars.
Warlock: What family?
*Bruce Wayne changes into Batman and goes to the Bat Signal, Chase is there. She says to use Two Face’s coin against him. They share G rated flirting*
Warlock: Good grief.
*Chase tries to get in his suit*
D: Who the fuck is this for?
*Batman checks her out and is shocked. Chase “You like strong women”
D: That’s not strong, that’s whore.
*Gordon shows up and asks what’s the idea. Batman says false alarm. He leaves and we cut to Dr. Nygma’s lab. Stickley runs in and says he’s calling security. Nygma hits him with a fire extinguisher, ties him up and uses his brain control device to send him pictures of fish*
D: What it basically does is it takes their minds and steals them. He can steal bank accounts and stuff.
*”Riddle me this, Fred!”
Warlock: A line is born.
*Fred gives Nygma a tongue lashing and fires him. Nygma “I don’t think so” He wheels Fred to a window and he crashes out, Nygma takes the brain control thing off his head before he falls to his death*
Warlock: This is the first time I’ve seen Jim Carrey heel.
*Boss Maroni (Dennis Paladino) throws acid on Harvey Dent in the flashback. Harvey blames Batman for his disfigurement*
Warlock: Why the hell would he blame him for that, logically?
*Gordon goes over the crime scene with Bruce and Edward fakes crying. He gives the suicide note to the executive (Michael Paul Chan). They go to the security tape to see Fred jumping out the window*
Warlock: How did he fake the security footage?
D: They explain it later.
*Bruce finds a riddle “If you look at the numbers on my face, you won’t find 13 anyplace”*
Warlock: Its a clock.
*Nygma turns into The Riddler and rides his motorcycle to Wayne Manor. He puts a riddle on the front gate*
D: Valentine letter from his lover.
*Bruce walks up to Chase’s office and hears her struggling,. He breaks the door down and she’s hitting the heavy bag*
D: Only time you’ll see her in anything but a dress.
*Chase says he needs to buy him a new door*
D: Yeah, unless you’re the Kool-Aid man don’t be breaking my fuckin door.
*Bruce asks Chase about the riddles. She says a wacko did it*
D: You could have asked the homeless man outside to give you the same answer.
*Bruce and Chase banter back and forth.He says he needs to get her out of her clothes……and into a black dress on a date to the circus*
Warlock: I got dibbs on the fat lady.
D: Damn it.
*The Ringmaster (Daniel Reichert) introduces the Grayson family, Mom (Glory Fioramonti) Dad (Larry A Lee) and Dick (Chris O’Donnell). They’re trapeze artists. All of a sudden Two Face’s gang show up and kidnap the Ringmaster*
Warlock: Something is afoot.
*Two Face’s gang takes over the circus as Riddler watches on TV. Two Face has rigged a bomb as the Mayor (George Wallace) asks what he wants. Two Face says Batman has two minutes to show or he blows it. Bruce Wayne goes to beat someone up as Dick climbs out of there. Bruce ziplines and dropkicks two goons*
D: Yeah, no way Bruce is Batman….
*Dick gets rid of the bomb but his parents and brother fall to their deaths. Dick is completely distraught. Next frame is Dick supposed to live with Bruce now*
D: The character is supposed to be 16 but he’s already showing 5 o’clock shadow
Warlock: Yeah, Chris O’Donnell was like 25. They were better off with Leonardo DiCaprio.
*Dick wants to kill Two Face and doesn’t want Bruce to give him any advice or to make him stay. Dick yells at him when Bruce offers to give him gas*
D: Thanks for the help asshole.
*Dick spots the vintage motorcycles and Bruce says if someone can fix them up, they’re his. Alfred comes in with lunch and Dick says he’ll stay. Meanwhile Bruce has a flashback of his younger self (Ramsey Ellis) watching his parents (Michael Scranton and Eileen Seeley) die at the hands of Joe Chill (David U Hodges). Bruce wakes up from his flashback and says its happening again. Meanwhile Dick gives a story of how he once saved his brother by “swooping in like a robin”
Warlock: Robin huh….
*Dick wants Alfred to throw away his outfit. Alfred says no, “One day Robin will fly again”
Warlock: And that’s the birth of Robin.
*Batman is being tailed by Two Face’s gang. He swerves and Two Face blows his own guys away with a bazooka. 3 more gang cars show up shooting at the Batmobile*
Warlock: How many gang members does he have?
D: Well he was the District Attorney.
*Batman gets away from a distraught Two Face*
Warlock: I thought Joker was supposed to get away.
*Nygma is trying to come up with a cool name. The Puzzler, The Gamester and Captain Kill*
Warlock: Captain Kill BAAAAHAHHAHAHAHAAHAH
*He looks over at his riddle machine and says “thank you so much”
*Two Face is with Sugar (Drew Barrymore) and Spice (Debi Mazar) and prepare to have lunch when The Riddler appears dressed as the game machine. Two Face goes to kill Riddler and he says Batman is the real target. Harvey lets him live and Riddler gives decor tips. Riddler “HAS ANYONE EVER TOLD YOU THAT YOU HAVE A SERIOUS IMPULSE CONTROL PROBLEM???”
*Riddler then uses his brain control device on Two Face, Sugar and Spice. Riddler says help him take over Gotham and he’ll help Harvey find out who Batman really is. Two Face says he’ll flip for it, heads he’ll help and tails Riddler dies*
Warlock: Ruh roh.
*Harvey smashes through a jewelry store*
D: Well looks like he died.
*Grayson uses martial art skills to hang laundry*
Warlock and D: Hahahaha
*Two Face and Riddler rob a casino for 100 grand*
Warlock: Danny Ocean must have got the idea by reading the newspaper clippings of this.
*Dick tries to get in a locked door, asks Alfred why its locked*
D: All the child pornography is there.
*Riddler successfully gets his brain control devices planted in almost every house*
Warlock: Heh, Jim Carrey looks normal on the podium. And why isn’t Batman doing a god damned thing to stop this?
D: Hasn’t figured it out yet.
*Alfred “Master Dick”
Warlock: There’s a porno name for you.
*Dick trapezes around the house but slides through the secret door into the Bat Cave. Alfred spots him*
D: “Where’s the bathroom again?”
*Bruce and Chase share character development while Bruce explains how his parents were killed in front of him. He kisses her*
D: Way to go Iceman.
*Alfred calls Bruce and says Dick stole the Batmobile. He comes across a street gang wearing face paint*
D: Here in Gotham, nobody looks normal.
Warlock: Nice McDonald’s logo. Nice product placement.
*A group of hookers make fun of Dick until the Gang Leader (Don “Dragon” Wilson) chases him. The leader has his gang attack Dick but he fends them off*
D: If I knew this kind of action happened at a Spencer’s department store I’d go there more.
Warlock: I’m not used to Wilson being heel.
*Dick fights off the gang leader and kisses the girl, but Leader calls for reinforcements*
D: The Ultimate Warrior Gang.
*Leader spots Batman and he and his entire gang split*
D: I know its Batman but there’s like a thousand of you.
*Dick pounds on Batman blaming him for his family’s death*
*Dick says he wants to kill Harvey. Bruce gives him a speech saying if he takes one life, the pain doesn’t go away. He’ll need to take more lives and that’s how a murderer starts. Dick wants Bruce to train him but Bruce refuses*
D: At least they tried to make this serious.
*Dick, Chase and Bruce attend Edward Nygma’s gala. Riddler’s date is Sugar. The reporters ask if Bruce is old news. Edward subtlely taunts Bruce as they shake hands*
D: I’d say something funny but I’m distracted by Drew Barrymore’s tits.
Warlock: You get Sugar’s tits, I’ll take Spice’s ass.
*Bruce and Edward are dressed exactly the same and have matching glasses. Edward wants a dance with Chase, he dances funny*
Warlock: Hahahaha that’s actually funny.
*Sugar catches Bruce looking at the invention and Sugar shows him how to turn it off. He goes to use the machine and Edward celebrates*
Warlock: Uh oh.
*Two Face and his gang crash the party. Edward says “No no noooooooo” Edward says he’s ruining the party and Dent says he’s sick of waiting for Batman. Edward says he should have at least been tipped off before. Batman makes his entrance and Edward says Bat’s was better. Robin gets changed as well. Batman kisses Chase and goes to save the day*
D: Midnight, I’ll let you see my boobs
Warlock: I don’t wanna see that.
D: Not me you idiot!
*Two Face traps Batman*
D: Man Batman, you sure are falling for everything. If this was April Fool’s he’d be fuckin dead right now.
*Batman uses his heat resistant cape to resist the gasoline fire. Two Face “Why can’t you just diee????” Two Face goes apeshit with a rocket launcher and thinks he buries him*
Warlock: Alright, Batman’s dead, the movie’s over.
*Robin pulls Batman out of the rubble*
D: Robin shows up out of thin air.
*Dick says he’s Bruce’s new partner. Bruce denies it but Dick runs with it. Bruce is mad at Alfred for letting him run around. Alfred says he’s one to talk*
Warlock: Yeah really Bruce, get the stick out of your ass.
*Alfred says Chase is what the doctor ordered. Bruce “She wants Batman, not Bruce Wayne”
D: Just tell her you’re Batman, problems over.
*Batman meets Chase who breaks up with him because she wants Bruce*
*Newspaper says Batman Survives Subway Sabotage. Two Face cries. Riddler says he’s got Bruce’s brain wave patterns on camera. They figure out he’s Batman*
Warlock: They know….
*Bruce and Dick yell at each other. Bruce asks what happens when Dick kills Two Face. Dick says he has to pay. Bruce says he’s going to tell Chase he’s Batman*
Warlock: Stop telling everybody.
*Chase takes a cab to Wayne Manor. Alfred says “Happy Halloween”
Warlock: The movie came out in June.
*Dick packs up and leaves*
Warlock: Run you coward!
*Bruce goes to tell her he’s Batman when trick or treaters knock on the door. He drops roses and has a flashback of Joe Chill shooting his parents. Riddler and Two Face hang outside Wayne Manor as Bruce has another flashback*
Warlock: He’s having a flashback.
*He tells her how he became Batman, the big red book*
D: That’s where his father kept the numbers for all his callgirls.
*Bruce falls into a cave*
Warlock: If he fell forever there would be no movie.
D: That’s why its Batman Forever.
*He spots a giant bat and says he’ll become like it*
D: Godzilla bat.
*Chase “Bruce what you are trying to tell me?”
Warlock: How stupid can you be?
D: You’re a cop aren’t ya?
*Two Face and Riddler knock Alfred out and the gang rushes the mansion. Riddler says to capture, not kill. Bruce and Chase are stormed and Bruce starts fighting off the gang. Riddler rigs up the Batmobile. Meanwhile Bruce dropkicks pumpkins into a gang member*
Warlock: Hahahahah what the fuck?
*Riddler blows the bat cave bit by bit including the batmobile*
Warlock: It didn’t just lose the wheel, it lost everything.
*Two Face grazes Bruce with a bullet and Riddler says not to kill him, he wants Bruce to suffer. Bruce wakes up to Alfred and Chase wakes up at Riddler’s lair. Bruce figures out that Riddler is Edward Nygma. Bruce is going to test out a new batsuit. It shows his ass*
*Robin shows up in a brand new suit, they shake hands. Robin sails in the bat boat as Batman flies in the Batplane. Commissioner Gordon celebrates*
*Two Face and Riddler play Battleship, trying to sink Robin*
*Two Face blows up the bat boat, Riddler “You sunk my battleship!”
*Robin goes underwater, Batman goes to get him but Riddler blows away the batplane too. It turns into a batsub*
*Robin “Holy rusted metal Batman”
Warlock: They had to huh?
*Batman and Robin storm the elevated Riddler lair. Robin fights Two Face and beats the shit out of him. Two Face is hanging on by a thread, meanwhile Batman finds Riddler. Robin pulls Two Face up and Two Face pulls a gun on him*
Warlock: Should have just dropped him.
*Riddler and then Two Face taunts Batman. Riddler reveals his evil plot and shows Chase and Robin held hostage, Sugar and Spice are pulling back curtains*
D: Dammit Robin, you had ONE job.
*Batman can only save one of them, but Batman counters with a riddle of his own.”I see without seeing, To me darkness is as clear as daylight, what am I?” Riddler says “A bat” and Batman destroys the mind control device with a batarang. Then he saves both Chase and Robin with grappling hooks*
D: Thanks, now I can be in the sequel.
*Batman fools Two Face into flipping a coin, but Batman throws money in the air and Two Face falls to his death trying to chase his coin*
D: And Batman just killed a man.
Warlock: No he didn’t, all he did was throw money in the air. Greed killed Two Face.
*Batman stands over Riddler and taunts him. He’s taken to Arkham Asylum*
Warlock: First appearance in a movie.
*Dr Burton (Rene Auberjonois) leads Chase to Edward’s cell. He claims he’s Batman*
Warlock: Odo is not impressed.
*Chase says Bruce’s secret is safe, they kiss*
Warlock: Mush mush mush.
D: Yes that’s also the problem, way too many people know who Batman is.
D: Love Me by U2
Thug D’s Assessment: I give it a 7, I can see everything that’s wrong with it but at the same time, its not so bad to make it unwatchable. You can definitely tell there was going to be a sequel.
The Warlock’s Assessment: 7 out of 10, Same opinion only I liked the A-List actors. It holds up well for its time and it respects the goofy aspects of the comic books.
Final Grade: 7 out of 10 – Great
*Warlock rises from the recliner*
Warlock: It wasn’t as epic as Batman or Batman Returns, but it was still fun to watch. Val Kilmer as Batman was an interesting choice although Jim Carrey as The Riddler was a no brainer. It was nice to see Tommy Lee Jones have some fun instead of being serious and Chris O’Donnell did well although I see him more as NCIS LA then Robin.
*Warlock turns to Thug D*
Warlock: And you….you’re hired. We should host more movies here.
Thug D: That’s not really an option.
*Thug D gets out of the recliner, uses his mini remote to return the screen and hastily begins packing up the laptop equipment*
Warlock: Why not?
Thug D: This place isn’t mine.
Warlock: Mr. Wallstreet pay it off?
Thug D: No. I used to make deliveries here and the owner is usually gone at this time during the day. But he’s supposed to be coming home soon.
Warlock: Wait…you mean you’re not supposed to be here?
Thug D: No, in fact I had to break in.
Warlock: That explains why the door was open when I knocked….wait, that means we’re trespassing?
Thug D: Yeah, so you may want to get out of here fast.
Warlock: Oh thanks a lot…..
*Thug D packs up his laptop bag, cloak/hood/pads and disappears out the back door. The Warlock runs out the front door as a limousine pulls up. He takes off to the right and makes it to a forest area. He wipes the rain out of his eyes, looks around and levitates over the fence. He runs back to the main drag where his 1958 Plymouth Fury is parked outside the Mansion gates. There’s a note attached to the windshield*
Warlock: “I’ll keep in contact, Thug D” Wonderful….have a pleasant evening.