*When we last left off, the members of Warlock’s Realm were STILL being interviewed by Jennifer Livingston of La Cosse’s morning news. Only everyone is restless because Warlock keeps telling one story after another. They had gone to commercial just before Warlock was about to reveal how Lady T got involved*
Jennifer: Welcome back to this neverending interview. As you were saying Warlock, Lady T’s involvement began how?
*Mr. America interrupts before Warlock can answer*
America: Wake me up when this is 0ver, I’m taking a nap.
*America slouches back and tips his hat over his eyes*
Warlock: Shaddup. The way I looked at it, we had two guys and only one girl in Neyzor Blades. We needed another girl to balance it out. We decided to hold auditions for our last member. My original idea was to put an ad in the paper that wanted a young woman with legitimate film knowledge, experienced web-bloggers and generally funny personalities….
Jennifer: That sounds wonderful.
Warlock: Yeah……except onionhead over here *sticks his thumb to Wallstreet* didn’t put any of that in the ad. He put “Women wanted for experienced web-blog.” So instead of getting film students and movie fans, we got all sorts of women of all ages thinking we were everything from a cooking blog to a porno industry.
Jennifer: Why did you do that Mr. Wallstreet?
Wallstreet: Because the amount of space he wanted to print all that cost $30 dollars. Putting what I said cost $10. I figured saving 20 dollars would be profitable.
Warlock: Yeah, if we were advertising a YARD SALE! So for hours we had to turn away people, listen to boring stories and got nothing done. Until finally…..
*We go back in time to July 2015. The Warlock is sitting behind a desk in front of a staged area. He’s wearing a black t-shirt, blue jeans and white sneakers. Mr. America is to his left wearing green cammo fatigues, vest and hat along with black combat boots. Mr. Wallstreet is to Warlock’s right wearing a brown Nehru suit with white tie and green clogs. A frumpy looking woman walks out on stage*
Warlock: Ok…here we have….Agatha. What kind of movies are your favorite?
*The frumpy woman screams*
Agatha: I REALLY LIKE COMEDY MOVIES. I ESPECIALLY LIKE FORTY YEAR OLD VIRGIN AND AMERICAN PIE!!!!
*America, Warlock and Wallstreet cover their ears*
Warlock: I like the movie selections but feel free not to shout.
*Just as Warlock recovers, America shouts as well*
America: THERE’S NO NEED TO SHOUT!
*Warlock covers his left ear and looks at him with a glare.
Agatha: SORRY, I HAVE A MAJOR LEAGUE EAR INFECTION AND ITS HARD TO HEAR!!!!
*Warlock bangs his head against the desk as Wallstreet speaks*
Wallstreet: Thank you for your time, we’ll be in contact.
Warlock: This is getting no place fast. We’ve had 10 frumpy women, 17 that had no idea what this is about, screamo queen here, one religious maniac, one malignant dwarf, two mere idiots and the rest I don’t even want to think about. We’re never going to find a partner for Neyz at this rate.
*A decent looking woman skips out onstage*
America: She doesn’t look so….
*America is cut off when the girl starts going into a dance number and sings I’ve Got a Crow*
America:……bad….what in the hell?
Warlock: Hey hey hey, woah woah…..what’s with the number?
*The woman stops*
Woman: This is the audition for Peter Pan right?
*Wallstreet and America stare at her in shock, Warlock lowers his head*
*He points to the right, the woman runs off the stage and out the door*
America: Yeah, I think we’ve had it.
Wallstreet: This is a lost cause.
Warlock: Yeah let’s get out of here. Thanks a lot Wallstreet. I told you to put the full ad and you told me “This is more profitable”
Wallstreet: We saved 20 dollars.
Warlock: And wasted four hours….
*The boys get ready to leave when suddenly the backstage door opens and a blonde haired woman with an hourglass figure and a tight red dress walks out on stage carrying a purse. The guys stop dead in their tracks*
*America’s jaw drops and Wallstreet loosens his tie*
America: Now this is more like it.
*The boys sit back down*
Warlock: Welcome, your name is…..*he looks at his now scrambled papers*
Lady T: Just call me Lady T…..
Wallstreet: YOU’RE HIRED!
*Warlock sits him back down*
Warlock: Not yet. So what kind of movies do you like?
*She puts her purse down and starts listing them*
T: I like….Ghostbusters
America and Wallstreet: YES!
T: I Like….Lord of The Rings
America and Wallstreet: YES YES!
T: I like….Animal House.
America, Wallstreet and Warlock: YES YES YES!
T: And…..First Period.
America, Wallstreet and Warlock: …..Noooooooo
T: In fact, I brought one with me. Here, I’ll show you.
*T bends over to reach in her purse, her bum sticking up in the air. The boys all lean over at once to check her out but cross each other’s line of vision and they all shove each other back down. She pops up without knowing what they were doing with a DVD in her hands*
Wallstreet: What movie is that?
Warlock: Toy Story!
T: Yes, that’s it.
Warlock: Well its time for the movie test. You know what that involves?
T: I’m not sure.
Warlock: We watch, we commentate. Just the two of us.
*Warlock gets up and runs to the stage*
America: Wait what?
Wallstreet: I thought all of us would….
*Warlock grabs T’s hand and they run backstage to a viewing area. He pops in the DVD. She sits in a nearby chair and he drops down on the floor as it begins*
Warlock: You got a friend in me……yes, the iconic movie that blew animation departments right out of the water with their state of the art animation. Animated movies would never be the same following the release of Toy Story. The movie itself is about toys coming to life when the kids aren’t around and how they interact with each other.
T: This is going to be exciting!
*The movie begins in Andy’s room. Andy (John Morris) is playing with his toys, having a jolly old time as his favorite toy sheriff Woody (Tom Hanks) stops Mr. Potato Head (Don Rickles) from dastardly deeds, such as robbing a bank and stealing Little Bo Peep (Annie Potts) sheep. Woody saves the day by dropping Potato Head into Andy’s baby sister Molly’s crib where she drools on it and bangs it apart*
Warlock: That’s a fate worse than death.
T: Getting drooled on?
T: Wait until you have kids.
*Now we get an opening montage of Andy playing with Woody to the tune of Randy Newman’s “You Got A Friend in Me”. After the montage, we discover its Andy’s birthday and his mom (Laurie Metcalf) has a party planned for him*
Warlock: Heh, its Jackie from Roseanne.
*After Andy drops Woody off on his bed, the movie truly begins and all the toys come to life. Here we’re introduced to Rex the Dinosaur (Wallace Shawn), Hamm the piggy bank (John Ratzenberger), Slinky the Dog (Jim Varney), a platoon of green army men led by Sarge (R Lee Ermey), My Pal Robot (which is on wheels for some reason), Lenny the Binnoculars (Joe Ranft), Mr Spell (Jeff Pidgeon) and other various toys.
Warlock: Cliff from Cheers, Ernest, what a cast.
T: Thats a lot of toys.
Warlock: This kid’s parents must be loaded.
*Mr Potato Head complains that he’s meant for ages 3 and up and he’s not supposed to be babysitting princess drool. He then tries to show off Picasso for Hamm but Hamm doesn’t get it. Potato head then says “Whaddaya lookin at ya hockey puck?” to a nearby rubber squeezable hockey puck.
Warlock: The inside joke was that Don Rickles used that as one of his one liners during his Las Vegas comedy routines.
T: It is funny.
*Slinky wants to play checkers with Woody but Woody has some bad news. Slink “BAD NEWS??” Woody tells them to round everyone up for a staff meeting….and act happy.
Warlock: Second best fake laugh.
*After fraternizing with the Etch N Sketch, Rex the Dinosaur pops up and roars at him meekly. Rex “Were you scared?” Woody annoyed “I was close to being scared that time.” Rex whines about how he’s supposed to be scary but doesn’t have it in him.
Warlock: About as scary as last nights toast.
*Bo Peep then thanks Woody for saving her flock and they get a little g rated flirting in*
T: Just a couple of blocks away.
Warlock: This is a family show.
*Woody steps to the podium built by My Pal and the Snake but Mike the Microphone is too close and there’s feedback, causing Hamm to go “For cryin’ out loud!”
Warlock: For cryin out loud!
*Woody asks if everyone’s picked a moving buddy since Andy’s family is moving in a week. Hamm “You can’t be serious!” Rex had no idea they were supposed to have one and Potato Head cracks up Robot and See and Say by saying “Do we have to hold hands?” Woody, all serious, doesn’t want any toys left behind and says get a buddy quick. Next he says Tuesday night’s plastic corrosion awareness meeting was a big success thanks to Mr. Spell. Mr. Spell “You’re welcome.”
Warlock: The only thing corroding is my brain.
*Woody says Andy’s birthday party has been moved to today and everyone freaks out. The toys are worried they’ll be replaced while Slinky and Woody try to calm them down. Woody goes to make a speech but Hamm breaks it up by saying the birthday guests are here. Everyone freaks out and goes hog wild.
Warlock: So much for staying calm.
*Rex, Slink, My Pal, Snake and Potato check out all the guests being presents. Slink says there’s a nice little one only to find out its twice the size, causing everyone to scream. Rex “We’re doomed!” Mr. Spell “Spell, trash can!”
*Woody then tries to calm everyone down by sending Sarge and his platoon to recon for them. Next scene shows the army men taking one of Molly’s child monitor walkie talkies and making their way to a plant. Along the way the minesweeper (Greg Berg) gets stepped on and has to be dragged to safety by Sarge. “A good soldier never leaves a man behind!”
T: I’ve stepped on so many of those.
*Meanwhile the toys gather around the second walkie talkie as Andy opens presents. Sarge reads off the presents, Mr Potato Head wishes for a Mrs Potato Head. First present is a lunch box. Woody “A lunch box??” Second present is bed sheets. Potato Head “Who invited THAT kid?”
Warlock: I did.
*We cut to the last present which turns out to be….BATTLESHIP!*
Warlock: Good choice for a present.
*The toys rejoice but just as the troops pack up the walkie talkie, Andy’s mom pulls a surprise present out of the closet. Andy opens it but the kids are screaming too loud so the bedroom talkie starts to static. Rex gets impatient and shakes the stand and the talkie falls, popping the batteries out. Potato Head and Hamm give Rex grief and try to put the batteries in, but fail miserably*
Warlock: Potato Head trying to smash them in there, haha.
*Woody manages to get the batteries back in just in time to hear Sarge warn them that Andy and the boys are coming upstairs. Everyone scrambles to get back to their spots and Woody gets back on the bed. Andy and his friends barge into the room, knock Woody off the bed and plops a cardboard spaceship on the bed in his place. The boys leave and go downstairs as all the toys come out to inspect what just happened. Woody crawls out from under the bed and the toys ask if he’s been replaced. Woody says to give whatever is on the bed a nice welcome*
Warlock: Unless its a cobra.
T: Why would it be a cobra?
*Woody climbs up and standing there on the bed is Buzz Lightyear (Tim Allen)…space ranger. Buzz thinks he’s real so he tries to contact star command. He notices the ship opened and says it’ll take weeks to repair. He flicks his arm to open a communicator (its just drawn out on the plastic) and says there’s no sign of intelligent life anywhere. Then Woody pops up and says “Hellloooooooo” startling Buzz into locking on his lazer (a little lightbulb that blinks).
Warlock: Nope, still no intelligent life.
*Woody welcomes him and Buzz notices the Sheriff badge and says “Local law enforcement, about time you got here.” Buzz introduces himself and Woody tries to explain he’s in his spot when Buzz tackles him and says “Halt who goes there!” Rex pops his head up “Don’t shoot, friends!”
Warlock: THERE’S THE ALIEN SHOOT EM!!!!
*Woody says they’re good and Buzz introduces himself “I am Buzz Lightyear, I come in peace.” Rex races over to shake his hand and thank him for not being a dinosaur*
T: Brontosaurus Buzz
*Rex asks what the buttons on Buzz’ chest do and Buzz presses one. A voice “Buzz Lightyear to the rescue” Hamm marvels at the sound quality as Potato Head says Woody’s pullstring sounds like a car ran over it*
*Hamm asks where’s he from and Buzz gives the speech that’s on the side of his box. Potato Head “Oh really? I’m from Playskool.” Woody confers with Bo and she says “He’s got more gadgets on him than a swiss army knife.” Slinky presses the lazer button and Buzz says “You don’t want to be in the way when my laser goes off.”
Warlock: You melt on sight.
*Potato Head asks why Woody doesn’t have a laser and Woody says its not a laser but a little lightbulb that blinks. Potato Head says he has laser envy*
T: Better than penis envy.
*Woody says they’re all impressed with Andy’s new toy and Buzz says “The word you’re looking for is space ranger.” Woody “The word I’m searching for, I can’t say because there’s preschool toys present.”
*Rex asks Buzz what a space ranger actually does and Woody gets pissed and says he’s just a toy, he can’t fly. Buzz then stops him, presses the big red button on his chest and plastic wings pop out. Woody says “What, these are plastic, he can’t fly.” Buzz and Woody argue about whether he can fly or not and Woody asks “Mr Light Beer” to prove it.
T: I want some light beer.
*Buzz leaps to the bed post “To infinity…and beyond!” and proceeds to fall onto a bouncy ball, hook up on a ceiling fan, swirl around and flip back on the bed. Buzz “Can!” The toys celebrate as Woody complains that wasn’t flying but falling in style. Woody smirks and says “They’ll see, I’m still Andy’s favorite toy.”
Warlock: You’re in trouble now
*Next we get a montage to Randy Newman’s Strange Things where the room changes from Woody pictures, posters and bed sheets to Buzz Lightyear paraphernalia. Buzz establishes himself as everyone’s new friend and Woody hates it. The critical image is when it comes down to who Andy sleeps with, he puts Woody in the toybox and sleeps with Buzz. A dejected Woody must sleep with the other toys as the montage ends*
Warlock and T: Straaaaang thingsss.
*Woody opens the toybox and wonders where his hat is. A squeaking Shark (Jack Angel) pops up with the hat on “Look I’m Woody! Howdy, howdy, howdy!” Woody sarcastically laughs “A ha… a ha ha ha gimmie that!”
T: That’s Neyz’ favorite line.
*Buzz calls over Rex and Slink to confirm that he’s been accepted into their culture since Andy wrote his name on his foot. Woody gets steaming mad as Bo Peep tries to calm him by saying Andy has a special place for him. Potato Head walks by “Yeah, in the attic.” Woody can take no more and confronts Buzz while he tries to fix his ship. Just before they go blow to blow, Woody accidentally presses the button that controls Buzz’s helmet. It opens and Buzz gags in front of Woody. Buzz “How dare you open a spaceman’s helmet on an uncharted planet. My eyeballs could have been sucked from their sockets.” Woody mocks him and Buzz calls him on it. Woody “BUZZ LOOK AN ALIEN!” Buzz turns and Woody laughs at himself.
*All of a sudden a dog barks and the toys all run and hide*
Warlock: Its Sid!!!
*Hamm says Sid’s been kicked out of summer camp early this year. The toys all gather around to watch the neighbor a door over. Sid (Erik Von Detten) is the heel of the movie along with his rabid dog Scud. They have Combat Carl rigged to a stick of dynamite. Buzz comes over to investigate as Woody with the help of Lenny shows him Sid, the sinister laughing boy. Buzz “You mean that happy child?” Potato Head “That ain’t no happy child.” Rex “He tortures toys…just for fun!” Buzz jumps on the window as Bo tells him to get down. Buzz “I’m gonna teach that boy a lesson.” Woody “Yeah sure, go ahead. Melt him with your scary laser.” He presses the button as Buzz says “Be careful with that!”
*Lenny notices Sid lit the dynamite and tells everyone to hit the dirt.
*Warlock dives on T, Everyone takes cover as BOOOOM!!!! Carl is blown to smithereens much to Sid’s delight*
T: Get off me, will ya?
Warlock: Sorry, was protecting you from the blast.
*The explosion leaves a crater in Sid’s backyard*
Warlock: I’m surprised his father didn’t run outside and beat the crap out of him.
T: If that was one of my boys, they wouldn’t be able to sit for a week.
*Buzz laments saying he could have stopped him while Woody says he’d love to see him try and end up a crater. Bo “The sooner we move, the better.”
T: Damn bad kids.
*We cut to see the For Sale sign by Virtual Realty*
*Andy is playing with Woody and Buzz….well more like Buzz beating the crap out of Woody. Andy’s mom says all the moving made them hungry and they should go to Pizza Planet. Andy gets excited and asks to bring some toys, Andy’s Mom says he can bring one. Woody “Just one?”
Warlock: You know…even as a child, I wouldn’t dare bring my toys to an arcade/restaurant. Who knows what kind of hoodlums would be there ready to lay waste to your action figures? Then again this is a kids movie so whatever.
*Woody jiggles the magic and asks if Andy will pick him*
Warlock: Remember those?
T: Can’t forget.
*“Don’t count on it” is the response. Woody “DON’T COUNT ON IT?? AWWWWW!!!” He slams the ball down and it rolls behind the table. Woody then hatches an evil scheme to knock Buzz behind the table so Woody will be chosen*
Warlock: Woody turns HEEL!
*Woody grabs RC’s remote and steers him into Buzz, but misses and crashes into the bulletin board. A series of mishaps lead to Buzz being knocked out the window and into the plant below rather than behind the desk*
T: Man overboard!!
*RC squeals that Woody did it and the toys revolt. Woody claims it was an accident as Sarge, Hamm, Potato Head and RC get PO’d while Slink takes Woody’s side. Rex doesn’t like confrontations as the Potato Head delivers the motive. Hamm says let’s get him and the army men gang frags him. My Pal, RC, Rocky Gibraltar (also voiced by Jack Angel), Hamm, Potato Head, Sarge and the Snake gang up on him as Bo tries to calm everyone down*
Warlock: Its a free for all!.
*Andy is heading back to the room so the toys all retreat, leaving Woody alone on the table. Although Potato Head has Etch doodle a noose with the implication that they’re going to hang him by his pull string*
Warlock: Dead man walking.
*Andy can’t find Buzz so he grabs Woody and runs out to the car with his mom. Buzz is alright and he notices Woody being carried by Andy so he runs and jumps on the car as it pulls away*
Warlock: Love how nobody in the neighborhood saw that.
*Rex leads a rescue mission as none of the toys are aware Buzz is with Woody. They use a barrel of monkeys to form a rope but it doesn’t work*
Warlock: Why didn’t they just have Slink hold the monkeys and hang HIM out the window since he stretches and all?
T: But Buzz isn’t there anyway so you’re just wasting time thinking about it.
Warlock: Great point.
*Andy’s mom stops for gas at Dinoco*
*Woody wonders what he’s going to do when he gets home. Then Buzz appears and drops down next to him as Woody rejoices. He thinks he’s saved and tries to make peace with Buzz. Woody “Right buddy?” Buzz “I just want you to know that even though you tried to terminate me, revenge is not an idea we promote on my planet.” Woody “Oh good.” Buzz “….but we’re not on my planet, are we?” Woody “uh…no?”
Warlock: GO TIME!!!
*Buzz tackles Woody out of the car and they have it out. It has to be seen to appreciate, words on a screen can’t do it justice but the fight is hilarious. In the middle of their brouhaha, Andy’s mom starts up the car and takes off…leaving Woody and Buzz at the gas station alone*
Warlock: Nice going fellas.
*Woody “I’m lost….I’m a lost toy.” Woody sobs as Buzz reports in his mission log and Woody goes to strangle him but a huge mack track comes by and nearly runs over Woody*
Warlock: That would have ended the movie right there.
T: That would have sucked.
*Buzz continues his “report” when Woody finally catches up with him. Woody blames him for everything when Buzz cuts him off saying the universe is in trouble. Woody is caught off guard and Buzz goes into a speech about only he can stop Emperor Zurg (his arch-nemesis) from destroying planets with a superweapon. He then blames Woody for delaying his rendezvous with Star Command. Woody pauses for a moment then goes on an epic rant. “YOU…ARE…A….TOYYYYYY!!! You’re not the real Buzz Lightyear, you’re an action figure. YOU are a child’s PLAYTHING!” Buzz “You are a sad, strange little man…and you have my pity. Farewell.” Woody “Oh yeah well good riddance ya loony.” Woody walks off and sarcastically mouths “Rendezvous with Star Command…:”
Warlock: My favorite line.
*All of a sudden a truck pulls up, a delivery truck from Pizza Planet, and Woody rejoices.
Warlock: How convenient.
*He convinces Buzz to go with him into the truck by saying he’s found “a spaceship”. Buzz hops in the front and hooks a seatbelt while Woody hops in the back and nearly gets annihilated by the maniac driver on the way to Pizza Planet*
Warlock: MAH BABY’S ALL LIQUORED UP!!!!
*Once they get there. Buzz notices the robotic guards (Phil Proctor) at the entrance and wonders how they’re going to get by*
Warlock: Isn’t that Howard from Rugrats?
T: I don’t know.
*Woody staggers to his feet with a soda cup over his head and Buzz says “Great idea Woody, I like your thinking.”
*Woody and Buzz make their way to the entrance disguised as a cup of soda and a burger container. Once they make it inside, we’re shown the outer space themed Pizza Planet. Woody spots Andy but Buzz sees a crane game in the shape of a spaceship so he makes a run for it. Woody “This can NOT be happening to me!” Woody goes after him as Buzz makes his way into the crane game and is surrounded by a sea of little 3 eyed aliens (Debi Derryberry). “A stranger! From the outside! Ooooohhhhh!”
Warlock: My mom loved those aliens.
*Buzz comes in peace as Woody makes his way inside. Buzz asks who’s in charge and the aliens point up. “THE CLAWWWWWWW. Buzz looks up*
Warlock: I still do that pose Buzz just made when he looks up.
*Alien “The claw is our master, he decides who will go and who will stay.” Woody is disgusted “This is ludicrous.”
T: Move bitch, get out the way.
*All of a sudden Woody hears Sid’s voice and sure enough, the nefarious infidel is in the process of breaking the building’s version of the Whack-a-mole*
Warlock: Now you see why you don’t bring toys to the arcade kiddos.
*Sid stops by the crane game and manages to win one of the aliens. “I have been chosen! Farewell my friends, I go on to a better place.” As Sid goes to grab his winnings, he notices Buzz’ head sticking out and decides to go for Buzz. Woody scrambles to find the exit and does manage to get it open, but the claw picks Buzz up*
Warlock: You gotta be kidding me. You know how many quarters I wasted as a child trying to get crane game items and this stooge manages to get two in a row? As my dad would say, “its only a movie.”
*Woody pulls Buzz down and Sid bangs on the window in frustration. Suddenly the aliens pop up and push Woody away from the exit toward the crane. Woody “Hey! What are you doing! Stop it you zealots!” Suddenly the crane lifts Buzz with Woody attached as Sid exclaims “Alright double prizes.” He gathers his loot “Let’s go home and….play.”
T: What a punk.
*Sid skateboards home with Woody, Buzz and the alien in his backpack and Buzz notices Andy’s house is right next door. The Alien “The mystic portal awaits!” Woody exclaims “Will you be quiet? You guys don’t get it do you? Once we go into Sid’s house, we won’t be coming out*
T: Like a constipated turd.
*Sid enters the door and the snarling Scud is there to greet him. Sid has a present for him and grabs the alien from the bag. He sits it on Scud’s nose and says “Now!” Scud then tears the thing apart in his mouth as Buzz and Woody look on in horror*
Warlock: Our first movie casualty?
T: Nooo, they wouldn’t “kill” things in a kids movie.
*Sid screams out for his sister Hannah (Sarah Freeman) and asks if he got his package in the mail. Hannah says she doesn’t know and Sid gets mad. He grabs Hannah’s doll and runs up to his room to perform an “operation.”
T: Dr. Ben Dover.
Warlock: I was gonna say Dr. Grady Pounder.
*Sid rips the doll’s head off along with the head of a plastic Pterodactyl and attaches the Pterodactyl’s head to the doll. He gives it back to Hannah who screams and calls for her mom*
Warlock: Once again, in real life I’d have love to have seen the ass kicking Sid would have got from his dad.
T: I know I would have if I did something similar.
*Sid throws the doll down and runs after Hannah. Woody gets freaked when he notices the evil posters and the lava lamp with doll heads in it instead of lava. Woody “We are gonna die. I’m outta here!” Woody runs off but then starts hearing noises. He picks up a nearby flashlight and sees a baby’s head under a desk. The baby emerges to be a giant spider made out of an erector set with a hairless, one eyed doll’s head attached (Baby).
Warlock: HOLY SHIT!
*Out walks a pair of Barbie legs attached to a fishing rod (Legs). Next, a jack in the box with a giant hand that comes out (Hand in the Box). A Gi-Joe’s upper body attached to a skateboard (Roller Bob) rolls out and then a windup frog on a hotwheels racer(Frog) follows. Finally a…a…I don’t know what the hell it is (Jingle Joe), a male head attached to a rolling toy with a hand that shuts Woody’s flashlight off. Woody freaks out and climbs on the desk and Buzz too “bughbubububuhbub Buzzzzzzz!!!”
T and Warlock: Hahahahaha.
*Legs, a duck pez dispenser attached to a male torso (Ducky) anda Praying Mantis head attached to a torso of a Combat Carl with a steering wheel controlling the torso of a Rocky Gibraltar figure (Rockmobile) pull the doll’s body out of the vice it was in, while the rest of the mutant toys including a yellow car with human arms and legs for wheels (Pump Boy) grab both heads and the Pterodactyl’s body as well then drags it all away.
Warlock: What the hell is that?
*Buzz “They’re cannibals!” Woody runs away with Buzz in pursuit. Buzz says he’s set his laser from stun to kill and Woody isn’t happy. “Aw great, great. If anyone attacks us, we can blink them to death!”
Warlock: Say what you will, but Sid sure has a hell of a lot of creativity. That Rockmobile…thing is ingenious.
*Meanwhile next door Rex and Slinky have a searchlight going for Buzz and a nearby cat gets in the way causing Rex to shout at it*
*Andy comes home and the toys gather around. Andy laments that Woody’s gone too and the toys all react. Hamm and Potato Head are happy while Slinky, Rex and Bo are stunned. The next morning Sid tortures Woody by using the old magnifying glass to burn a hole in his forehead trick before getting called down by his mom (Mickie McGowan) for pop tarts.
Warlock: I want some pop tarts.
*Once gone, Woody jumps up screaming and buries his head into a nearby cereal bowl. Buzz is covered in play darts and as he pulls them off, he applauds Woody for not surrendering.*
T: This means war.
*Woody notices the door is open and makes a run for it only to be stopped by the mutant toys. Woody tells Buzz to do something and Buzz tells him to shield his eyes. He then shoots his “laser” at Baby who just looks around confused. Woody “You idiot, you’re a toy. Use your karate chop action!” Woody then presses a button on Buzz back that makes his arm do karate chops. He backs away the mutants with Buzz’s karate chop much to Buzz’ confusion. “Hey hey, how are you doing that? Stop that!” Woody “Back, back you savages, back!” Buzz “Woody, stop it.” Woody “Sorry guys but dinner’s cancelled.”
Warlock: Get the container!
*Woody makes a run for the stairs but notices Scud sleeping at the bottom. Woody slowly backs up the stairs as Buzz pulls him aside to chew him out. As they try to sneak away, the banister triggers Woody’s pull string which wakes up Scud*
Warlock: WE GOTTA GET THIS WAGON TRAIN A MOVIN!
T: Better run guys.
*Buzz tells them to split up so Woody heads for the closet as Buzz runs into what appears to be a tv room. Scud notices Sid’s dad snoring away in the barcalounger and walks away*
Warlock: So he’s had a dad this whole movie? He should have smacked the daylights out of him for blowing up the backyard!
*Buzz goes to leave but the TV (Penn Jillette) chimes “Calling Buzz Lightyear. Come in, Buzz Lightyear. This is Star Command. Buzz Lightyear, do you read me?” Buzz gets excited and goes to answer only for a boy on tv to answer for him. Its a Buzz Lightyear commercial that confirms that Buzz is just a toy. It even says “Not a flying toy.”
Warlock: Gotta love Penn as the announcer.
*In the graphic montage. The toy is available at Al’s Toy Barn*
Warlock: That means nothing in this movie but it will in the future.
*Buzz can’t believe it as another Randy Newman song “I Will Go Sailing No More” comes on to show how dejected Buzz is. Buzz notices the open window and hops to the top of the banister. He hears Woody’s voice saying he’s a toy and can’t fly but blocks it out. “To infinity…and BEYOND!” He leaps…..and crashes down the stairs, breaking his arm off*
T: Oh no, that’s so sad.
Warlock: It didn’t work.
*Hannah walks in looking for her new doll but finds the one armed Buzz and takes him away*
T: No more sailing for him.
*Back upstairs Woody escapes the closet and hears Buzz in the next room getting played with by Hannah. Buzz/Mrs Nesbitt’s drinking buddies are 3 headless dolls*
Warlock: Damn Sid is brutal.
*Woody runs up to Buzz who acts slovenly drunk. “One minute you’re defending the whole galaxy. And suddenly you find your self suckin’ down Darjeeling with Marie Antoinette and her little sister.” Two of the dolls both wave*
*Woody tries to snap Buzz out of it but he’s too far gone. Buzz cries that he can’t fly out a window and Woody notices the window in Andy’s room is open. He grabs Buzz and makes a dash for Sid’s window. Over in Andy’s house, Hamm is defeating Potato Head in an epic game of Battleship*
Warlock: Win if you can, lose if you must but always cheat.
T: That’s awful.
*Woody calls out and they notice him. Hamm calls everyone over and Woody says they’re going to get out of there…until he see’s Buzz playing with himself and crashing his arm like a plane.
Warlock: Heh, he’s playing with himself…..not like that you pervert!
T: Awww man.
*Woody tosses Slinky the Christmas lights he stole from the closet and Slink catches it. Potato Head grabs it and says they should just drop it after what Woody did to Buzz. Woody tries to get Buzz to join him to get the toys off his back but he refuses. He rips the plastic “communicator” sticker off and crumples it up. Woody “Buzz will you get up here and give me a hand?” Buzz tosses him the arm and Woody says “That’s very funny Buzz..THIS IS SERIOUS!” Potato Head calls him a liar and Woody thinks on the fly by having the arm wave behind his back. Rex and Slinky are fooled but Hamm and Potato Head aren’t. Hamm “Something’s screwy here.” Potato Head “What are you trying to pull?” Woody then goes to protest but then pulls the arm into plain view. Bo shrieks, Rex pukes and Potato Head screams “MURDERER!” Woody tries to explain but Potato Head isn’t hearing it. “Save it for the jury. I hope Sid pulls your voicebox out, ya creep!” Potato Head lets go of the light chord and it falls into the driveway as Woody pleads for help. Even Slink can take no more and shuts the window on Woody*
Warlock: He had that coming.
*It starts to thunder out as the mutant toys gather around Buzz. Woody comes to his rescue but Baby pulls the arm away from Woody, sending Woody flying. Woody tries a second time to get Buzz out of there but when he gets close, Buzz has his arm re-attached by the mutants. Woody is shocked “They fixed you…but they’re cannibals, we saw them eat those other toys.” The mutants clear a path and show the Janey doll and Pterodactyl with their heads re-attached as well. Woody realizes he’s had the toys all wrong. The mutant’s retreat and Woody wonder’s why until he hears Sid making his way back*
Warlock: Psycho incoming.
*Buzz refuses to move and Woody gets mad “Fine, let Sid trash you but don’t blame me!” Sid’s package came and its a high explosive. Sid looks for Woody to use it on but can’t find him, instead he finds Buzz and uses duct tape to strap the rocket to his back. All of a sudden it starts raining, much to Sid’s chagrin. Sid then says the launch has been postponed to tomorrow and sets his alarm for morning*
Warlock: Again, the kid buys a damn high explosive and his parents do nothing?
T: I’d slap him around for sure.
*Meanwhile back in Andy’s room, his mom tells him that she couldn’t find Woody or Buzz, just Andy’s cowboy hat. Andy goes to sleep sad and the toys are all boxed up. Rex and Potato Head are moving buddies and Potato Head gives him the business when Rex comes up for air. Bo notices Andy sleeping with the hat and wishes Woody was there to see it*
*Meanwhile back in Sid’s room the following morning, the maniac is passed out on his bed. Woody hid in a crate but now has a giant toolbox on it so he can’t get out. He calls over Buzz to help him but again Buzz doesn’t budge. Buzz gives a sob story of how he finally realizes he’s a toy. Woody gives him a pep talk about how he’s much cooler than he is and lots of toys wish they could be Buzz. After a while, Buzz springs up and is revitalized. Buzz pushes the toolbox off the crate so Woody can get out but notices the moving van. Now the pressure is on*
Warlock: Oooooh the exciting conclusion!
*Not noticing Woody’s made it out, Buzz keeps pushing until the box falls on Woody. Suddenly the alarm clock goes off and Sid wakes up. He gets up cheerful, grabs Buzz and runs outside. Woody chases after him but Scud chases him back into the room. The mutant toys gather but when Woody acknowledges them, they scatter. Woody apologizes and begs for their help. Of course the mutant’s volunteer to help*
Warlock: Oh sure.
*Woody says they have to break a few rules but he’s got a plan that will help everybody. Meanwhile Andy’s room is cleaned out including all his toys. All he has left of Buzz is his ship and his cowboy hat to remind him of Woody. Out in Sid’s yard, Sid constructs the launch pad while Woody goes over the plan. He enlists Pump Boy, Legs and Ducky for a mission and says he’ll be with Roller Bob. Scud barks at the door as Legs and Ducky pull off the air vent. They hop around until we’re back with Woody. Woody tells Pump Boy to wind up Frog as Rockmobile lifts up Hand in the Box to open the door. Legs and Ducky make it to the outside light and lift it away. Ducky hooks himself up and lowers until he can swing to ring the doorbell. Woody says now as Hand opens the door and the Frog shoots out with Scud in hot pursuit. Ducky lowers to the welcome mat as Frog makes its way downstairs. Baby, Rockmobile, Hand, Jingle Joe, Janey, Pterodactyl and Woody all pile on Roller Bob as Hannah opens the door*
Warlock: How the hell does she not see Ducky right there in front of her?
*Woody and the gang make their way downstairs and out the back door. Frog shoots outside into Ducky’s arms and Legs lift them to safety as Scud cleans out Hannah making a mad dash outside. Ducky puts the light back as Hannah shuts the door in Scud’s face “Stupid dog!” Woody and the gang makes it to the bushes as Sid is finalizing the launch sequence. Legs, Ducky and Frog make it out of the drain pipe*
T: All hands are on deck.
*Woody tells everyone to get ready and they spread out. Sid searches for matches as Woody runs out in plain view and tells Buzz everything is under control. Woody collapses and Buzz is confused. Sid notices Woody on the ground and wonders how he got out there. He sticks a match in Woody’s holster and tosses him on the grill. “You and I can have a cookout later.” As Sid begins the 10 second countdown, the mutants all spread out. Pump Boy makes it to the sandbox where some ill-fated doll comes to life. As Sid makes it to 1, Woody’s voicebox goes off with his catchphrases. Sid drops the match and picks up Woody and says he’s busted. Suddenly Woody starts talking even though his face remains motionless “Who are you calling busted, buster?” Sid turns Woody around and the pullstring isn’t moving, he can’t figure out how he’s talking. “Yes I’m talking to YOU, Sid Philips. We don’t like being blown up Sid, or smashed…or ripped apart.” Sid starts to freak “W-we?” Woody “That’s right, your toys!” Suddenly Pump Boy emerges from the sandbox with a charred, burnt doll and a red pickup truck. Suddenly Frog emerges from mucky water with one headless soldier and another with both arms gone and a nail through its head. The alien pops out of Scud’s water bowl and shambles toward Sid. Legs lowers Baby who attaches its arms to Sid’s head and he screams. Hand pops out on top of Rollerbob with Janey, Pterodactyl and Jingle Joe in tow. The toys surround Sid and Woody’s voicebox goes “From now on you must take good care of your toys. Because if you don’t, we’ll find out Sid.” Woody’s head starts spinning Exorcist style “We toys can see everything!”
T: That would be scary for children.
*Suddenly Woody comes to life “So play nice.” Sid throws his arms up and runs away screaming into the house. Woody and the mutant’s celebrate “We did it, we did it, yes!” Sid runs into Hannah exclaiming the toys are alive. Hannah then sticks her Sally doll in his face and he runs away screaming. Hannah chases him up the stairs as Woody thanks all the mutants for their help*
Warlock: They showed that turd who’s boss.
*Woody and Buzz shake hands as the moving van honks. Andy’s mom’s car takes off and Woody makes it under the fence but Buzz gets stuck since the rocket is still attached to his back. Woody goes back to spring Buzz lose but the car drives off when they hit the middle of the street. Buzz and Woody make a run for it to catch the moving van but Scud takes off after them. Buzz makes it up to the bumper and Woody is halfway up when Scud catches Woody and bites him on the leg*
Warlock: In real life he would have bitten the leg clean off but..again, its only a movie.
*Woody says “Take care of Andy for me!” as Buzz screams no and jumps on Scud to spring Woody to safety*
T: Only problem is how is he going to get Buzz now?
*Woody opens the latch to the van and finds the box of Andy’s toys. He opens it and the toys are surprised to see him. He pulls out RC and the remote. He kicks RC off the van and Rex screams “Ahhh he’s at it again!” Woody steers RC until he finds Buzz underneath a car. RC is glad to see him and Buzz hops on. Potato Head screams “Get him!!!” and the toys make their way out of their perspective boxes. Woody frantically tries to steer RC and Buzz back to the van but the toys catch him and beat the crap out of him*
Warlock: A body slam!
*Meanwhile RC and Buzz race toward a 4 way intersection and damn near get run over, meanwhile the cars swerve into each other to avoid nailing Scud and they trap him in a circle*
Warlock: The insurance companies are going to clean up.
*Finally Andy’s toys toss Woody off the van just as RC and Buzz catch up with him. Woody steers RC back to the van where Lenny notices Woody and Buzz riding RC back. Bo confirms it that Woody was telling the truth all long and now the toys are remorseful. Bo tells Rocky to hit the ramp and he does*
Warlock: How does anyone driving behind not notice all this going on?
T: As you said, its only a movie.
*Just as RC nearly makes it to the ramp, Slink stretches so he can grab them. Slink starts to get pulled and RC begins to slow down. Woody and Slink tells Buzz to hit it but RC’s batteries are running out. Sure enough, RC runs out of juice, Slink wipes out the toys when he ricochets back to the fan and Woody/Buzz come to a full stop as the van drives away*
Warlock: Movie’s over, let’s go home.
T: No its not!
*Woody is depressed but Buzz remembers the rocket. Woody pulls the match out of his holster and thanks Sid. He goes to light the rocket but an oncoming car blows the match out before he can light it*
Warlock: They can’t do anything right.
*Woody falls to the pavement crying but notices his hand smoking, the glare from Buzz’s helmet is burning a hole like the magnifying glass trick. Woody pulls Buzz’ helmet and angles it where the rocket ignites. They celebrate but Woody remembers rockets EXPLODE! Sure enough…zooooom! Meanwhile back in the van, My Pal tries to put Slinky back together as Lenny notices RC/Woody/Buzz are coming up fast. The rocket then levitates and lifts allowing Woody to let go of RC and the remote at the right time. RC cleans out Mr Potato Head for good measure*
Warlock: Take that you antagonist.
*Meanwhile Woody and Buzz shoot straight up and away. Woody says this is the part where they blow up*
Warlock: Oh nooooooo.
*Buzz says not today. He pushes the button to flick his wings which cuts through the duct tape*
Warlock: Yeah right!
*The rocket explodes and Buzz flies down toward the van. Woody says “Buzz you’re flying!” Buzz “This isn’t flying, this is falling with style!” Buzz overshoots the van and Woody wonders why. Buzz “We’re not aiming for the truck!” Buzz then lands into the sunroof into the car. Andy perks up and notices Woody and Buzz in the box next to him. “Mom, Woody! Buzz!”
Warlock: Is this kid stupid, if he brought the box which he knew there was nothing in it…they just magically appeared? Blah…only a movie.
*Andy rejoices and Woody and Buzz wink at each other*
T: Awww yay!
*Christmas time at Andy’s new house brings about the same recon plan as his birthday only the troops are in the Christmas tree. This time Buzz is nervous that Andy will get an even better toy to replace him. Bo uses her Shepard’s hook to pull Woody in for a kiss under the mistletoe*
Warlock: Mushy mushness.
*Rex says he hopes Andy gets another dinosaur, a leaf eater*
Warlock: It should be noted that in this room, both Woody and Buzz’ posters are all over. Guess this one was more spacious than the previous. Either that or nearly losing Woody made him appreciate Woody more.
*Andy’s mom says Molly will open the first present and its MRS POTATO HEAD! Hamm “Way to go Idaho!” Potato says “I gotta shave” and removes his mustache*
T: My husband has a beard. I love it.
*Sarge says Andy will be opening his first present and Woody hops up on the bed with lipstick all over his face and Buzz asks if he’s nervous. Woody “What could Andy possibly get that is worse than you?” All of a sudden a dog barks and Andy says “Oh wow a puppy!” Buzz and Woody laugh nervously at each other….THE END. The credits roll with “You Got a Friend in Me” again*
Warlock: We made it, hooray!
T: It was good.
Warlock: That was one of my favorite movies of all time. It had a great plot, great animation, outstanding actors….it had it all. Thank you very much for that trip down memory lane.
T: You’re very welcome.
*Warlock and T walk back out to the stage where another woman is interviewing*
Woman: I don’t like horror. I don’t like action. I don’t like war. I don’t like….
*America goes to grab his carbine rifle but Wallstreet stops him as Warlock speaks*
Warlock: Sorry the position has been filled.
*The woman leaves*
Wallstreet: For real?
Warlock: For real, welcome aboard Lady T.
*Warlock shakes her hand and America and Walltreet fall over each other trying to rush the stage. T laughs*
*Back at present time not only is America asleep but so is Neyz, Jennifer and Wallstreet. Warlock and T are wide awake*
Warlock: And that’s how T was hired. Soon after America and I watched Don’t Look In The Cellar and the rest is history…..hello? Hello?
*Jennifer is asleep*
Warlock: Have a pleasant evening.