153. Wreck It Ralph (2012)

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*When we last left off, the members of  Warlock’s Realm were being interviewed by Jennifer Livingston of La Cosse’s morning news. Warlock revealed his first ever commentary wasn’t actually what was on the site, but a demo he had dne a year prior. On top of that, he had done another demo only this one was with Neyzor Blades*

Jennifer: So wait, The Enforcer was not your debut Neyz?

Neyz: It was, but I took part in the demo.

*Mr. Wallstreet and Mr. America look over at her, Lady T as well*

All: Huh????

Warlock: I didn’t want to do Wreck It Ralph alone after the Dirty Harry demo took too long, so I had Neyz join me. I remember it  was December 2014 just a little before Christmas. I remember it going a little like this…

 

*The Warlock is in his lair setting up a camera. He’s wearing a white t-shirt, blue jeans and white sneakers. Neyzor Blades is finishing her makeup in the recliner*

Neyz: Why do I have to dress like this?

*Neyz is wearing a black dress with fishnets with spiked boots*

Warlock: Its your character.

Neyz: Not really, its my Halloween costume.

Warlock: Oh hush.

Neyz: Ready.

*Warlock sits in the middle of the couch*

Warlock: Testing 123, testing 123…this is a demo.

Neyz: I don’t care if you can’t hear me.

Warlock: Ah Wreck It Ralph, the culmination of 30 years worth of video games. While The Wizard cashed in on the Nintendo craze, this one is more a children’s movie that tips their hat to some of the classics that came out over the years. There are hundreds of game references and dialogue appropriate for all ages. The movie is basically a behind the scenes world of what video game characters do when the arcades clear out. Think Toy Story only with arcade games. A whole generation had grown up with video games and this is something both them and their young children could enjoy. Written and directed by Rob Moore, it was released November 2, 2012. It was a smash hit but is it as good as advertised? Let’s find out.

 

*We open at Litwak’s arcade with someone dropping a coin into the game Fix It Felix Jr. A narration from Ralph (John C Reilly), the heel of the game, tells us his backstory. He was a giant living in a tree stump when movers bulldozed his stump to the garbage dump. He comes out and notices the forest he was living in has been replaced with a giant hotel. Enraged, HE’S GONNA WRECK IT! Its up to the hotel’s maintenance man Felix Jr (Jack McBrayer) to save the inhabitants from Ralph’s onslaught with his magic hammer*

Warlock: This is a reference to Donkey Kong/Donkey Kong Jr and a good one too*

 

If the kid playing the game fixes it, Felix gets a medal and the inhabitants gang up and toss Ralph off the roof into the mud below*

Neyz: How would he survive a 30 foot fall?

 

*A graphic shows “30 years ago”*

Warlock:  The game has been around since 1982….impressive run.

 

*The game itself has been at Litwak’s for 30 years while other machines have come and gone*

Warlock: A sad part of life is that arcades have mostly died off due to home consoles improving over the years, but even if you find an arcade, the games are more recent than classic*

 

*Ralph even mentions who knows what happened to Asteroids and Centipede. Once Litwak (Ed O’Neil) closes the arcade, the game characters come to life ala Toy Story. Yuni Verse (Jamie Sparer Roberts, the casting director for the film) from Dance Dance Revolution tells everyone the cost is clear while Ken (Reuben Langdon) and Ryu (Kyle Hebert) from Street Fighter 2 stop fighting and agree to head to Tapper’s*

Warlock: That’s the voices of Ken and Ryu from the actual recent game.

 

* Back to the hotel, Felix leads the Nicelanders for a post-game party while Ralph goes home to the dump and wishes for a better life*

Warlock: Nice name. See what I did there?

Neyz: Pleaseeeeee.

 

*When we finally see Ralph, he’s actually been telling his story at BAD ANON, a group therapy session for all the video game bad guys. Among the dignitaries are Bison (Gerald C Rivers) and Zangief (Rich Moore, the director of the movie) from Street Fighter 2, the Zombie from House of the Dead (Raymond Persi), Satan (Martin Jarvis) from Satan’s Hollow, Dr Robotnik from Sonic the Hedgehog, Bowser from Super Mario Brothers, Kano (Brian Kesinger, listed in the credits as ‘Cyborg’ for child protection purposes) and Smoke from Ultimate Mortal Kombat 3, Neff from Altered Beast, Mishaela from Shining Force, Beholder from Eye of the Beholder, 1011001 from Cyborg Justice and the host, Clyde (Kevin Deters) from Pac-Man*

Warlock: What a tag team. Street Fighter and Mortal Kombat villains together.

 

*After Ralph is finished, Zangief goes next. He says that he crushes heads between his thighs like sparrow eggs and asked himself why he has to be a bad guy. He then realizes if he’s a good guy, who will crush heads like sparrow eggs? “Zangief, you bad guy…but this does not mean you are bad GUY.”

Warlock: I’m stealing that line.

Neyz: I’m sure you will.

 

*Ralph doesn’t get it so Zombie pipes in and says labels don’t define who you are and you must love yourself. Kano then jumps up and rips out Zombie’s heart like his finisher in Mortal Kombat. He says “Yeah, in here!”

Warlock: Normally that would be scary for kids but Zombie’s already dead, so he’s unaffected.

 

*Clyde then asks why Ralph’s finally going to Bad Anon after years of saying no and Ralph answers its the 30 year anniversary of his game being released. Satan says congrats and Ralph says “Thanks Satan.” Satan “Uh..its Saitine…actually.”

Neyz: How classy.

 

*Ralph then declares he doesn’t want to be a bad guy anymore. This causes an uproar where Bowser shoots flames out of his mouth and Clyde turns blue like in Pac-Man. Kano tells him he can’t mess with the program and Bison asks if Ralph is “going Turbo.”*

Neyz: What the hell is Going Turbo?

Warlock: That reference will be explained later.

 

*Ralph asks is it so much to ask for something better like medals, pies and recognition and the Zombie answers “yesss.” Clyde tells him they can’t change who they are and Zangief tells him “one game at a time Ralph.” Then they hold hands and make the proclamation: “I’m bad and that’s good. I will never be good, and that’s not bad. There’s no one I’d rather be than me.”

Warlock: I need to say that.

 

*The credits roll as Saitine tells Ralph to hang in there as Bison says he can’t do the snacks next week. In a cool graphic, little sprites of everyone are shown leaving the inner circle of Pac-Man where Clyde usually lurks. Ralph steals the cherry underneath before he leaves*

Neyz: That looks really cool.

 

*The next scene shows nearly every arcade and console game character in Game Central Station as Ralph gets stopped by the Surge Protector (Phil Johnston, the guy who wrote the screenplay actually) for munching on the cherry. Sonic The Hedgehog (Roger Craig Smith) does a PSA saying don’t die outside your own game or you won’t regenerate*

Warlock:  Very important later actually.

 

*Ralph spots Q’Bert and his gang with a sign reading “Unplugged, please help.” Basically when a game is unplugged, the characters have to abandon their games and are homeless*

Neyz: That’s so sad.

 

*Ralph gives part of his cherry to Q’Bert but gets stopped by the Surge Protector before he can make it back. Back at the hotel Felix and the Nicelanders are having a 30th anniversary party which is DJ’d by Skillrex himself and bartended by Jaxson De Box from Snacks N Jaxson*

Warlock: Hey look its Skillrex if you look closely.

Neyz: No way!

 

*Ralph gets jealous that Pac-Man was invited and decides to crash it. Some of the Nicelanders that freak out are Roy (Skylar Astin), Mary (Edie McClurg), Don (Jess Harnell) and Deanna (Rachael Harris). Felix, babyface that he is, decides to invite Ralph in for cake after Glenn the Turtle (Tucker Gilmore) from Frogger says its being served*

Warlock: That’s a reference no one would get.

 

*One of the Nicelanders, Gene (also voiced by Raymond Persi), ain’t so nice and he’s miffed. After Ralph inadvertently kills Felix (he regenerates since its his game) an argument ensues. Ralph pleads his case that he just wants to be accepted for once, Gene telling him that he’s just the bad guy and deserves nothing. Ralph says Felix gets enough medals and deserves his own, then asks if he gets his own medal will he be able to live in the hotel? Gene says sure but that’ll never happen since he’s just the bad guy. Ralph gets mad and inadvertently smashes the celebration cake all over the place and all over Pac-Man too*

Warlock: Pac Man is like “The hell with you too Ralph!”

 

*Disgusted, Ralph heads to Tapper’s, yes, from the arcade game*

Warlock: Can’t think of a better hang out than that.

 

*Tapper himself (Maurice LaMarche) tells him to check the lost and found for a medal. He finds a mushroom from Super Mario Brothers, a Metal Gear Solid exclamation point and a pair of Zangief’s tights*

Warlock: I’ll take the exclamation point, you can have the tights.

Neyz: I think I’ll pass.

 

*Ralph runs into one of the characters for a first person rail shooter Hero’s Duty named Markowski (Joe Lo Truglio). He cries hysterically that if you beat the game, you win a medal. Ralph gets a brainy idea to go get a medal*

Warlock: Here’s the plot of the movie.

 

*Ralph then steals the guy’s suit and runs over Q’Bert on his way to join Hero’s Duty. There we meet Calhoun (Jane Lynch) the brash, outspoken tough as nails leader of the human resistance against the cybugs. Ralph screws up the shooter, Moppet Girl (Stefanie Scott) the nerdy arcade geek, and she storms off*

Warlock: That would have drove me crazy if that happened to me. I would have punched a hole through the game.

Neyz: Yeah, and then you’d be arrested and sued for damages, moron.

 

*Moppet Girl wants to play the racing game Sugar Rush which the bait is there are new racers daily. The problem is some fat kid and his friend are hogging the game*

Neyz: I would have kicked that kid in the balls.

Warlock: There’s hope for you yet, Neyz.

 

*Ralph gets chewed out by Calhoun and he sneaks away as the beacon (think giant bug zapper) fries all the bugs*

Warlock: That’s important later.

 

*With Ralph busy climbing the tower in Hero’s Duty, obviously he’s not in his own game, so when Moppet Girl puts a quarter in Fix It Felix Jr, there’s no Ralph to demolish the building*

Warlock: Alright! Ya beat the game! Congrats!

 

*Felix tries his best to improvise but then runs off screen to find Ralph. Moppet calls over Litwak who says they’ll have the electrician look at the game in the morning and if they can’t fix it, they’ll have to pull the plug. Litwak puts an out of order sticker on the game which causes the Nicelanders to realize that without Ralph, there is no game*

Warlock: Just goes to show that you can’t have heroes without villains.

 

*They freak out and Felix does his best to calm him down when Q’Bert comes to visit with the news. Ralph has gone TURBO!*

Neyz: What does that mean?

Warlock: More on that later.

 

*Felix hops over to Hero’s Duty where he almost gets shot up by Calhoun and her men*

Warlock: THERE’S THE ALIEN SHOOT EM!!!

Neyz: Remember, if you die outside your game, you’re history.

 

*Felix explains to Calhoun that Ralph was supposed to be there when they hear a bang coming from the tower. Ralph has climbed all the way up and avoids a sea of eggs to grab the medal*

Warlock: Right out of Alien.

Neyz: What’s that?

Warlock: Oh you’ll see someday.

 

*Once the medal is grabbed, General Hologram (Dennis Haysbert) appears and showers Ralph with praise for beating the game. While Ralph thanks the other holograms as he makes his exit, he steps on one of the eggs, causing it to hatch*

Warlock: Nice going asshole.

 

*The cybug attaches to Ralph’s face and he stumbles into an escape pod, which launches him clear out of the game, through Game Central Station and straight into Sugar Rush, a Candyland based racing game. Ralph and the fully grown bug get ejected from the pod, the bug falling in a pit of sugar while Ralph lands in a candy cane tree*

Neyz: I’m getting a sugar rush just looking at this.

 

*Ralph notices his medal is gone into another tree so he begins climbing. He’s interrupted by Vanellope (Sarah Silverman) the quirky, annoying, fast talking homeless bum of the game. After a brief exchange of insults, Vanellope beats Ralph up the tree and steals his medal*

Warlock: He is not having a nice day.

 

*Ralph falls into what appears to be a lake of green taffy. Back at the station, Surge Protector explains to Felix, Calhoun and her right hand man Kohut (Brandon Scott) that Ralph went to Sugar Rush. Calhoun explains to Felix that the bug doesn’t know its in a game so it’ll tear the game apart then every game in the arcade*

Warlock: Everybody panic!

 

*Kohut explains to Felix Calhoun’s backstory of how a cybug ate her husband as they were getting married, which is why she’s as nasty as she is*

Warlock: That is depressing.

 

*Felix convinces her that he’ll go to Sugar Rush to fix it since that what he does*

Neyz: Awwwwww.

 

*Meanwhile in Sugar Rush, all the racers are lined up for a big race*

Warlock:  Its funny how all the fans in the stands are gumdrops, popcorn, lollipops, etc.

 

*The MC is a sour patch kid, Sour Bill (also voiced by film director Rich Moore) and he announces the “rightful ruler, King Candy.” King Candy (Alan Tudyk) makes his grand entrance “Have some candy!”. The concept of the game is “new racers daily”.

Neyz: How can that be?

Warlock: Well apparently all the racers in the game have a race before the arcade opens and the first 9 across the finish line are the ones who will be selectable when the arcade opens.

 

*Some of the racers include Taffyta Muttonfudge (Mindy Kaling), Candlehead (Katie Lowes), Rancis Fluggerbutter (Jamie Elman), Jubileena Bing-Bing (Josie Trinidad) and Crumbelina Di Caramello (Cymbre Walk)*

Warlock: Mindy Kaling as a heel.

 

*Candy explains that its pay to play meaning anyone who’s won before has to give up a gold coin in order to enter the race*

Warlock:  Kind of sucks for the ones that are never chosen and therefore, never win.

Neyz: That’s apparently Vanellope.

 

*When Vanellope uses Ralph’s medal to get into the race, everyone freaks out. Apparently because she glitches, everyone hates her. By glitches, she glitches like electronics do. Candy calls for security, a donut named Duncan (Horatio Sanz) and an éclair named Wynnchel (Adam Carrola), both are dressed as cops*

Warlock: That is hilarious.

 

*Vanellope runs away only to be met by Ralph who’s totally covered in taffy. Everyone in Sugar Rush from security, to the racers to even the popcorn fans freak out and run away*

Warlock: Heh, I don’t mean fans of popcorn, I mean the fans ARE popcorn.

 

*In chasing Vanellope, Ralph does what he does best…wreck everything. Before he gets to her, he gets trapped and encased in a giant cupcake*

Warlock: This is making me hungry.

 

*Vanellope gets away as Duncan and Wynnchel attack Ralph with nightsticks. Taffyta enlists Candlehead and Rancis to go find Vanellope as Candy restores order. He demands Ralph be brought to his castle*

Warlock: What a mess, we’ll be lucky if anybody survives.

Neyz: I’d love to see the popcorn carried out on a stretcher.

 

*At the castle, the guards outside are Oreos. They chant “Or-e-oh”*

Warlock: A tip of the hat to Wizard of Oz and pretty clever too.

 

*Candy enters in his race car and has Sour Bill rip the taffy off Ralph’s face to identify him. He immediately realizes its Wreck It Ralph*

Warlock: That was pretty odd.

Neyz: What?

Warlock: No one else in the game knows who that is but Candy does…wonder why?

 

*Candy grills him and Ralph explains he won the medal in Hero’s Duty and just wants it back. Candy asks if he’s “gone Turbo” like Bison and Q’Bert mentioned earlier*

Neyz: Huh?

Warlock: And once again I’ll explain later.

 

*Candy’s ready to battle but Ralph says “one of your little children of the candy corn stole my medal.”

Warlock: Hahahhaa

 

*Candy realizes Vanellope used the medal to buy her way into the race and explains to Ralph that the medal is gone and nothing but code. Ralph says he’s not leaving without his medal and Candy says yes he is. He wants him out of the cupcake and on the first train out and if he ever comes back, he’ll be locked in the Fungeon*

Warlock: Yes, that’s how he says it.

 

*Candy drives off to find Vanellope as Duncan revs up a chainsaw, causing Ralph to freak out and scamper away. Ralph busts through the wall and escapes the cupcake. D and W call for the devildogs*

Warlock: Better than rampaging twinkies.

Neyz: Haha.

 

Ralph escapes using the Darth Vader breathing sound, sees a crew of racers and runs off to try to convince one of them to give up the medal if they win. While hiding nearby, the crew surround Vanellope and her pedal pushing car (think Flintstones) and bully her around. Taffyta being the leader leads Candlehead, Rancis, etc in breaking her car and she shoves Vanellope into a puddle of chocolate*

Warlock: What a heel!

 

Ralph can take no more and scares off the “rotten little cavities” as he calls them. Ralph confronts her and Vanellope explains she was going to give the medal back at the end of the race and if he’s that angry why doesn’t he go get another one. He says he won it in Hero’s Duty which causes back and forth “doodie” jokes*

Warlock: Kids movie, gotta love it.

 

*Ralph says she better get the medal back and she says unless he’s got a go-kart hidden in the fat rolls on his neck, she can’t. Ralph throws a tantrum and busts open a jawbreaker which impresses Vanellope*

Warlock: This is making me want to take an insulin shot.

 

*She then strikes a deal with Ralph to break into the go-kart factory and get her a new kart, for if she wins, she’ll give him the medal back*

Neyz: Awwww yay.

 

*Meanwhile Felix and Calhoun find the empty shuttle and speculate what the heck Ralph was thinking. Felix mentions he may gave “gone Turbo” and Calhoun asks what that means. When the arcade first opened, there was a racing game called Turbotime. The playable racer Turbo loved winning and being number 1. So when Roadblasters came out, Turbo got jealous. He left his game and purposely sabotaged Road Blasters, getting both games unplugged*

Warlock: Wow what an asshole.

Neyz: Can you imagine that really happening?

Warlock: “What are Ken and Ryu doing in Mortal Kombat? Why are they kicking the shit out of Liu Kang?”

 

*Back in Sugar Rush, Calhoun and Felix get caught in the Nesquiksand. Calhoun beats him up so the laffy taffy get long enough for them to climb to safety*

Neyz: Awwww he loves her.

 

*Meanwhile below the surface, the cybug creates a nest*

Warlock: Aliens.

 

*Back to Ralph and Vanellope, they sneak by the security station guarded by Beard Papa (John DiMaggio)*

Warlock: Useless information but Beard Papa is the real life mascot for a successful Japanese bakery, think Dunkin Donuts but in Japan.

Neyz: How the hell do you know that?

 

*Ralph and Vanellope break in the factory and work together with various hijinks to make the car. The best being Ralph’s exclamation “UNDERPANTS? NOOOO!!!”. The car comes out looking ridiculous but Vanellope loves it*

Warlock: Underpants? Nooooo!

 

*Finally Beard Papa wakes up and calls King Candy. Just as Vanellope and Ralph put the finishing touches, Candy and security appears. Ralph squirts the King with glaze and tells Vanellope to step on it. Candy “He just glazed me, get them!” Only problem is Vanellope doesn’t know how to drive much to the chagrin of Ralph. He manages to make the getaway using his hands and makes it to Diet Cola Mountain, Vanellope’s hangout. Ralph explains to Vanellope that he lives alone in the garbage and the medal was going to change that. Vanellope gets it because winning the race would do the same for her. Ralph jumps up and down causing an explosion*

Warlock: Apparently the lava is diet cola and the rocks are mentos….you get the idea*

 

*Vanellope gives her sob story about how everyone says she’s not supposed to exist and that she lives in this mountain like a homeless lady. Ralph asks why she sticks around and she says she’s not allowed to leave. Ralph then pounds out a racing course and now we get a montage. Vanellope learns to drive in a montage with Rihanna’s Shut Up and Drive for soundtrack*

Warlock: Catchy.

 

*Duncan and Wynnchel report back to King Candy that they couldn’t find them. Candy and Bill head to a secret room with a Nintendo controller for a safety lock  and he punches in the Konami Code*

Warlock: Nice…..niceeeeeeeee.

 

*Its the code of the game. Candy searches through the code and finds Ralph’s medal, then applies it to himself. Everything in the game is connected through the code, except Vanellope which is discarded by the wayside*

Warlock: Another clue that something isn’t on the up and up.

 

*Back in the fixed escape pod, Felix checks out Calhoun but calls her “dynamite gal” which is apparently what Calhoun’s dead husband Brad (Tim Mertens, the Editor of the movie) used to call her, so she gives him the boot. Felix trudges up to Candy’s castle and Sour Bill answers. Felix says he’s looking for Ralph and Bill pulls a lever that drops Felix into the fungeon*

Warlock: Felix can’t catch a break.

 

*Back to Vanellope and Ralph, they come out of the mountain and she wonders if the gamers will love her. Ralph assures her they will and she runs back into the mountain to get something. Just then King Candy shows up and Ralph briefly chases him. The best part was Candy puts glasses on and Ralph just hits him with them. “You hit a man WITH glasses, that’s well played.”

Warlock: Great move!

 

*Ralph finally grabs a hold of him but Candy bribes him with the medal. Candy explains Vanellope can’t be allowed to race. If she does get in the top 9, gamers will choose her and she’ll glitch. She’ll glitch so much Litwak will think the game is broken and pull the plug. All the king’s subjects will be homeless and since Vanellope can’t leave, she’ll die with the game. Ralph argues that the gamers will love her but Candy counters with what if they don’t*

Warlock: Wow, didn’t even think of that.

 

*Candy tells Ralph to talk her out of racing and he reluctantly agrees. Candy drives off and Vanellope runs out. Vanellope then presents Ralph with a makeshift medal that says “To stinkbrain, you’re my hero.” Ralph then uncomfortably tries to talk Vanellope out of racing and she’s shocked. She refuses so Ralph has to get nasty and smash up the kart, causing her to cry out. “You really are a bad guy!” before running off*

Warlock: I love a good heel turn but that sucked.

Neyz: That was not a heel turn.

 

*Ralph grabs his medal and takes the train back to his own game. Only problem is, there’s no one left in the hotel but Gene. Gene explains that Felix went to find him but never returned. When he didn’t come back, everyone panicked and left plus Litwak is pulling the plug in the morning. Gene says he’s a man of his word and gives Ralph the key to the hotel since Ralph brought back a medal. Gene leaves and Ralph looks at his medal on the balcony*

Warlock: Blood money.

 

*Ralph throws his medal up against the arcade cabinet screen, causing the out of order sign to slide a little off. When it slides, he can see the Sugar Rush machine and clutches his makeshift medal. Then he notices Vanellope’s picture on the side of the machine and starts putting two and two together*

Warlock: Something stinks.

Neyz: Your feet.

 

*Back at Sugar Rush, Bill is sweeping up dust when Ralph confronts him on why if Vanellope was never supposed to exist, why is she on the side? Bill tries to escape but Ralph snatches him and says talk or get licked. Bill refuses and Ralph puts him in his mouth “Oh ho ho, they call you Sour Bill for a reason!” Ralph removes Bill and he’s ready to talk now. Vanellope WAS apart of the game but King Candy tried to delete her code. Bill says Candy’s also locked up everyone’s memory so they can’t remember why Vanellope isn’t supposed to be in the game. If she races and crosses the finish line, the game will reset and the memories will reset*

Neyz: So THAT’S why Candy is hellbent on keeping her out…but why?

Warlock: We got us a Scooby Doo mystery here but instead of a dog, we got Ralph to solve it.

 

*Apparently Vanellope was picked up by security and tossed into the fungeon with Felix. Ralph sticks Bill on a nearby lollipop and goes after them*

Neyz: A sour patch kid on a lollipop, goodbye tastebuds.

 

*Meanwhile Calhoun is searching for the cybug when she drops down a hole and discovers the cybug has laid thousands of eggs. Down in the fungeon, Felix tries to smash the prison bars with his hammer but since he fixes things, he just makes the bars stronger. Thankfully, Ralph busts in and makes the save. Felix rants and raves about the bad day he’s had and Ralph has no idea what its like to be a criminal*

Neyz: I don’t have to say boo to you!

 

*Ralph says that’s his life every day and that’s why he tried to be a hero for once. He begs Felix to fix the broken go-Kart and of course, Felix does. What a guy. They also break out Vanellope and everyone makes up*

Neyz: Yay.

 

Meanwhile the Random Roster Race is about to commence only Vanellope’s name is crossed out. Ralph, Felix and Vanellope are on their way though and Ralph explains she doesn’t have to win, just finish. She drops Felix and Ralph off at the start line and takes off. We then get a Mario Kart-esque free-for all where Candy and Taffyta’s crew wipe out the rest of the field until its just them and Vanellope. Taffyta tells Candlehead to ignite some cherry bombs and Vanellope kicks it into high gear. Taffyta taunts her until she glitches right in front of them, distracting the crew long enough for Vanellope to pull off a long jump while Taffyta and her crew plunge into a cupcake and out of the race*

Warlock: Take that you rotten little cavities.

 

*Down to Candy and Vanellope, we are interrupted by Calhoun punching Ralph in the face. Calhoun says they’re dead meat and as Ralph tries to reason that the cybug died, a whole SWARM of cybugs erupt and engulf the stands. Calhoun pulls out her rifle, jumps on her hoverboard and opens fire. She directs all the game’s subjects to the Station for safety*

Warlock: The shit just hit the fan.

 

*Ralph stands there like a crossing guard until he notices the finish line is open. If Vanellope can make it, the game resets and the bugs are gone. Only problem is the bugs are drawn by the finish line sign*

Warlock: They’re gonna eat the fucking thing, hurry up Vanellope!

 

*Candy and Vanellope go head to head which ends up with Candy plunging his car directly into Vanellope’s. He then gets up, pulls out his horn stick and tries to melee attack Vanellope. Back at the track, Ralph starts beating the crap out of various bugs when Felix tells him to look up at the screen. Vanellope manages to grab the stick and now Candy begins to glitch. Ralph and Felix are in shock as Candy reluctantly reveals himself to be…TURBO!!!*

Warlock: You can hear good ol’ Jim Ross now… “Bah gawd, it was TURBO ALL ALONG! OH MY GAWD IT WAS TURBO!”

 

*Candy/Turbo reveals he reprogrammed the game so he could race once more and he’s not going to let Vanellope ruin it*

Warlock: There ya go folks, THAT’S why Candy was hell-bent on keeping Vanellope out. Had she finished the race, the game resets, Candy goes back to being Turbo and most likely he’s thrown out of the game. Also explains how he knew Ralph when everyone else in Sugar Rush didn’t.

 

*Turbo tries to ram Vanellope into a wall but she glitches out of the way and he ends up driving right into the mouth of a cybug*

Neyz: Goodbye.

Warlock: No way, too early.

 

*Vanellope races to the finish line*

Warlock: There’s still 20 minutes left of movie time….uh oh.

 

*Another swarm of cybugs erupt and overrun the race track and Vanellope’s car, which veers offroad about a hundred yards from the finish line. Ralph and Felix grab her and say they have to get out of here, Vanellope pleading that she didn’t cross the line. As the cybugs engulf and eat the remainder of the track, Ralph reasons there is no line to cross now*

Warlock: Missed it by THAT much.

 

*Back at the game entrance, Vanellope can’t leave the game when Ralph tries to pull her through. Calhoun says she’s going to blow the place as Vanellope tells Ralph to leave without her. Felix asks what about the game and Calhoun says without a beacon, they can’t stop the bugs. Ralph remembers Diet Cola Mountain and takes Calhoun’s hoverboard. He tells Vanellope to stay with Felix and Calhoun while he goes to create a beacon*

Warlock: BRILLIANT!

 

*Suddenly the cybugs attack and Calhoun opens fire with Felix and Vanellope behind her. Ralph makes it to the top of the mountain and pounds away at the mentos. Just as he goes to deliver the final blow, he’s knocked backwards by a large tentacle. “Welcome to the boss level!” Turbo/Candy is now a giant cybug and he says that he’s now the most powerful virus in the arcade*

Neyz: Thats scawwry.

 

*Candy says he should thank Ralph but it’ll be more fun to kill him*

Warlock: Ooooh, kill in a Disney movie. I like it.

 

*A fight ensues where Candybug knocks Ralph around as Calhoun runs out of ammo at the entrance. She and Felix can leave but Vanellope can’t. Candybug uses its wings to grab Ralph and fly to the sky, making sure Ralph sees Vanellope bite it*

*Ralph then sacrifices himself as he breaks free from Candy’s grip for one final senton bomb while he recites the proclomation from B.G.A*

Warlock: There’s no one I’d rather be than me.

 

*Vanellope glitches through the bugs after him using her supersonic speed. Ralph plows into the mentos, causing them to fall into the soda, causing a massive explosion which causes a makeshift beacon. As Ralph plunges toward certain death, Vanellope appears with one of the other racing cars and catches Ralph just in time*

Warlock: Oh yeah we’re  supposed to believe that?

 

*Meanwhile the bugs all are drawn to the beacon, including Candy/Turbo, who is immolated*

Warlock: Since its not his own game, he’s deader than shit.

 

*Ralph lands in chocolate and the day has been saved. Felix kisses Calhoun on the cheek…who grabs him for a long deep one*

Neyz: Awwwww

*Felix fixes the finish line and Vanellope crosses it, resetting the game. Vanellope floats in midair and transforms into a princess. All the subjects and racers return as does their memory. Sour Bill with the lollipop still attached says. “Now I remember! All hair the rightful ruler of Sugar Rush….PRINCESS Vanellope.”

Warlock: Now you see why Turbo had to get rid of her when he reprogrammed the game.

 

*Taffyta begs for forgiveness and Vanellope decrees all those that were mean to her shall be executed, much to Calhoun’s delight. Taffyta starts crying as even Sour Bill looks confused but Vanellope says she’s just kidding*

Warlock: Awwww man.

 

*Vanellope ditches her princess dress for the outfit she’s worn the whole movie. Wynnchel asks without a princess, who’d lead them and she said she will…just not like Candy. President Vanellope von Schweetz*

Warlock: Good lord.

 

*Calhoun says the arcade’s about to open so Felix and Ralph must go. After a sob worthy farewell, Ralph and Vanellope exchange 2nd grade insulting goodbyes. Taffyta and her crew embrace Vanellope as the “out of order” sign is taken off Fix It Felix Jr. Mr. Litwak jumps for joy as the game is fixed since Ralph is back*

Warlock: I dont remember arcade owners jumping for joy when a game is fixed, do you?

 

*Back at Bad Anon, Ralph declares he’s taking it one game at a time to a much deserved applause. Ralph says the game’s the same but he’s finally getting positive attention from the Nicelanders. Plus, he got Q’Bert and the gang to help out on bonus levels to give them a home*

Warlock: Wouldn’t that be cool in real life to have Q’Bert assist Mario against Donkey Kong?

 

*Now Moppet Girl is the queen of the arcade and everyone gathers around her as she plays Felix Jr. He also had the Nicelanders and Felix build him a house and a shack for Q’Bert and his crew. Ralph was also best man at Felix and Calhoun’s wedding where there were no cybugs present to crash the party. Ralph says now the best part of his day is getting thrown off the roof because he has the best view of Sugar Rush and he can see Vanellope race*

Warlock: Still doesn’t explain how he survives the fall.

 

*As Ralph thought, the glitch makes Vanellope unbeatable and the gamers (Moppet Girl especially) love her. “I don’t need a medal, how bad can I be?” The credits roll with an amazing montage using 8 bit sprites of everyone in the movie*

Warlock: Now that was some good shit. Neyz your assessment!

Neyz: Huh?

Warlock: What did you think?

Neyz: About what?

Warlock: The movie you dope! You’re supposed to give your assessment.

Neyz: I liked it.

Warlock: Good enough.

*Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: Outstanding! One of the best movies I’ve ever seen. Why? It had it all. It was a perfect, easy to follow story with great voice acting, wonderfully written dialogue and it had something for everyone of all ages. Classic games, modern games, obscure games….everything was FUN. That’s the point of the movie, to have fun. It was cool enough for hardcore gamers but innocent enough to bring your children to. There wasn’t one pointless scene in the whole movie and it seemed like everyone involved did their best. The casting department deserved a big hand because everyone involved was an A-list actor or a veteran voice actor. Bottom line is the movie touched on two generations of gamers, the first and their children. If you’re looking for Casablanca, look elsewhere but if you want a good family movie or want to relax with some iconic video game characters, this one’s for you. I give it the perfect 10 out of 10, one of my favorites of all time.

 

*We switch back to La Cosse’s studio where Jennifer and the Realm crew are looking bored*

Warlock: And that’s how Neyz got in on it.

America: 4 hours later.

Warlock: Exactly, it took so long that I didn’t post it. Plus my forte was bad movies and this was one of the best I ever saw. It didn’t make sense for me to post something good back then.

America: I meant this interview is going for four hours at this rate.

Warlock: Shaddup.

Jennifer: So that’s how you got started?

Warlock: That’s pretty much it. I didn’t like the way Dirty Harry came off by myself and I thought Wreck It Ralph was too good to post. Those ended up being scrapped.

Jennifer: That’s an incredible story. So eventually Lady T joined you to round out the group?

Warlock: Oh yes….which reminds me of another story.

*Wallstreet, America and Neyzor Blades all groan and complain as Jennifer checks her watch and Lady T giggles*

America: *sings* This is the stor-y that ne-ver endssssss.

Wallstreet: I could walk back to Florida faster than this.

Jennifer: Its time for a commercial, we’ll be right back after this.

 

*TO BE CONTINUED*

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