7 DAYS EARLIER
*The Warlock is on a Skype call with The Mysterious Benefactor*
TMB: You know you guys are a hit now?
Warlock: I’ve always known. I just didn’t expect it to be such a phenomenon.
TMB: You know every news station and talk show wants you on their shows.
Warlock: There’s only one person alive I’d allow interview me, and she wouldn’t get me without the rest of us going too.
TMB: Tell me who and I’ll hook it up.
Warlock: Jennifer Livingston.
Warlock: She’s the news anchor who stood up against fat shaming on national television. I don’t want Kimmel or Fallon, only her.
TMB: Alright, you got it.
Warlock: Just one more thing.
TMB: What is it?
Warlock: Mr. Wallstreet is coming.
TMB: He is?
Warlock: He is now. Get him on the horn. He wouldn’t miss this for the world.
*Jennifer Livingston is sitting in a big chair on the set of News 8. She looks wonderful as usual*
Jennifer: Good morning La Crosse. Today is going to be a special day as we are going to conduct a special interview today. The nationally known Warlock’s Movie Realm.
Jennifer: Let me introduce everyone. First is Lady T.
*Lady T struts out shaking her hips and clapping her hands. She’s wearing a sparking red dress and shoes. She shakes Jennifer’s hand and sits down on the chair furthest away*
Jennifer: Next is Neyzor Blades.
*Neyzor Blades walks out wearing a black and shite striped dress and sandals. She shakes Jennifer’s hand and sits down next to T’s left*
Jennifer: Third we have Mr. Wallstreet.
*Mr. Wallstreet walks out wearing a black, double knit suit with purple tie, brown clogs and normal shades. He shakes Jennifer’s hand and sits down next to Neyz*
Jennifer: Now we have the true star of the team, Mr. America.
*Real American by Rick Derringer plays and Mr. America walks out to a huge ovation. He’s wearing green camo fatigues, vest and hat along with black combat boots and aviator shades. He puts his hand to his ear and listens to the crowd, nods his head and shakes Jennifer’s hand. He poses for the crowd and sits down*
Jennifer: Last and certainly not least is the master himself, The Warlock.
*Something Wicked by Nuclear Assault plays as The Warlock levitates up from a trap door nearby. He’s wearing a black t-shirt, leather jacket, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He shakes Jennifer’s hand and sits down*
The Warlock: Thank you Jennifer, it is wonderful to have us here.
Jennifer: You’re quite welcome, we’re honored to have you on here.
The Warlock: I must apologize for The Grand Wizard and our benefactor for not being here, but we showed up the best we could. Mr. Wallstreet here just flew up from Florida.
Jennifer: Wow, that’s a bit of a flight.
Wallstreet: Yes it was, but worth it.
Jennifer: So Warlock, the world wants to know how this all started.
Warlock: Well I’ve known Mr. America since middle school and actually I’ve known Mr. Wallstreet even longer than that, elementary school. The three of us went to the same high school together and have been colleagues ever since.
Jennifer: What about these two lovely ladies here?
Warlock: I met Neyzor Blades and Lady T in 2009, they bring an extra element to the commentaries that you normally wouldn’t get from the three of us.
Jennifer: Lady T and Neyzor Blades, what’s it like being the only two females?
Neyzor Blades: Its a pain in the ass sometimes. I want to watch good movies but Warlock and America pick some of the worst diarreah I’ve ever seen sometimes.
*The crowd laughs*
Lady T: That’s where I come in, I put on stuff I know Neyz and I would like and its our turn to torture Warlock.
Jennifer: At least its fair game at that point. Now this all started last year when the three of you got together right?
*Wallstreet nods his head and America smiles*
America: Yes, last July we got together for Final Ex…
*Warlock cuts him off*
Warlock: That’s not entirely accurate.
*The crowd ooh’s as Wallstreet and America turn and look at Warlock*
Wallstreet: What are you talking about? Final Examinaton was the first one we did as a trio.
America: The week before you and I did Don’t Look In The Cellar.
Warlock: Both true, but that’s not where it started.
Jennifer: So when did this all start? Even your own tag team members are confused.
Warlock: November 2014 was when it started, a whole year before Final Examination. I always wanted to do my own movie reviews and commentaries and finally I created a site where I could do that. I moved into the Lair that everyone knows and started doing demo’s of what I wanted to do. The first demo was Dirty Harry. I remember it going something like this….
*We flashback to November 2014, The Warlock is in his lair on the couch. He’s wearing a black t-shirt, leather jacket, blue jeans and white sneakers*
Warlock: Testing 123, 123 is this thing working? My name is…wait, that’s not right. Hello, my name is……no wait, nobody needs to know my name. Welcome to My Movie Reviews, I’m……shit, I need a name.
*Warlock looks around*
Warlock: I’m your host….The Terminator, no wait…that won’t work. I’m your host The Warriors….no wait, that’s plural. Shit…wait a second.
*Warlock looks directly ahead on his tv and on top of it are 3 DVD’s. He reaches out and one of them flies directly into his hand. He makes fire appear in his right hand while he looks at the dvd cover in the other hand. He looks at the camera, looks at the box, looks at the camera, looks at the box. He closes his hand and smiles*
Warlock: I’m your host The Warlock. Tonight’s demo is a classic police drama from 1971 called Dirty Harry. This is the film that started the Dirty Harry series. Clint Eastwood was one of the legends in the Western movie business with iconic classics such as the Spaghetti Western Trilogy and Hang Em’ High. He also had been in World War 2 based Where Eagles Dare, another classic. The common theme to the majority of his movies were that they were set in the past, either in the old west or world war 2. Could the now 41 year old Clint play a modern character? Clearly, Dirty Harry meant yes. It was directed by Don Siegel and released on December 23, 1971. Originally it was supposed to be Frank Sinatra in the starring role but he suffered a wrist injury and couldn’t commit. Paul Newman was offered the role next but he declined and suggested Clint do it. Imagine either Frank Sinatra or Paul Newman saying the same lines? It doesn’t quite work due to their different styles. So let’s get started shall we?
*The movie opens with a healthy looking young lady (Diana Davidson) going for a swim*
Warlock: This movie is starting off good.
*There’s a maniac with a sniper rifle who tags her in the back*
Warlock: So much for her.
*The credits roll and Inspector Callahan (Clint Eastwood) finds the shell casing and a letter*
Warlock: A clue!
The Mayor (John Vernon) reads the letter which states that the killer wants $100,000 or he’ll kill “a catholic priest or a nigger”
Warlock: Those are fighting words in my country….but too bad we’re not in my country.
*Harry is chosen by the Chief (John Larch) and police Lieutenant Bressler (Harry Guardino) to get the killer*
Warlock: Harry Guardino in the house!
*Callahan stops for some coffee but he notices a homeboy parked in front of the bank with about a dozen cigarette butts on the ground. Harry smells a rat and tells Mr. Jaffe (Woodrow Parfrey) to call the cops while he checks it out*
Warlock: Nowadays people would claim Harry was being racist, but they can stick it in their hat.
*The bank is, in fact, being robbed. Harry then caps all of the robbers but not before they run over a fire hydrant and tags Harry in the leg, getting blood on his fresh suit*
Harry: What an inconvenience! By the way, if you can look closely, the movie showing on the marquee on the movie theater reads Play Misty For Me…Eastwood’s other movie he did in 1971.
*One of the homeboys is still alive so Harry comes over and points his gun at him. He then utters his iconic line “Do you feel lucky, punk.” The punk (Albert Popwell) “gots to know” if Harry is iut of ammo and Callahan pulls the trigger…click, out of ammo*
Warlock: He got lucky.
*Harry gets patched up by a doctor named Steve (Marc Herstens)*
Warlock: Scuba Steve, damn you!
*Police choppers seach the rooftops for the assassin*
Warlock: He’s on the loose.
*We go back to the station for Bressler to surprise Harry by giving him a partner. Enter Chico (Reni Santoni), and Callahan is about as excited as last night’s toast*
Warlock: He hates partners.
*Harry’s last two partners ended up in the hospital or stone cold dead*
Warlock: Im surprised Chico doesn’t immediately run away screaming with his hands waving in the air.
*Bressler tells Harry that he’ll do. Harry would much rather work with De Giorgio (John Mitchum) but instead he gets Chico who apparently was a light heavyweight boxer from San Diego State.
Warlock: Better off at San Jose State with Jack Elway.
*Callahan is unimpressed and they run into the portly De Giorgio in the next room. Chico innocently asks why he’s called Dirty Harry and Di Giorgio says he hates “Limeys, micks, hebes, dagos, honkies and chinks”. Chico asks what about Mexicans and Harry answers “Especially spics.”
Warlock: Ya see, its not racism if you hate everyone equally.
*Meanwhile The Scorpio Killer (Andrew Robinson) sees the ad in the San Francisco Chronicle that says the police need more time to pay him. Tearing up the paper in disgust, he then chooses his next target, a jiving black lady who has a conversation on a nearby bench. Scorpio locks and loads but the alert police chopper spots him and he beats a hasty retreat before they can identify him*
Warlock: Almost had him.
*Now later on in the night, Chico and Harry ponder how he could get away while they drive through the red light district. A police dispatch identifies Scorpio’s attire and Chico thinks he sees the guy as two local yokels jump in front of the car, causing Harry to call one of them (Don Siegel, the director of the movie) a hammerhead.
Warlock: Heh, thats the director of the movie.
*Finally, they spot someone running down the street with a tan suitcase like the one Scorpio carries his rifle with. Chico and Callahan get out and chase the man. Callahan sees him run into an apartment so he disturbs a nearby cat to stand on the garbage can it was occupying….only to find out its some civilian bringing a suitcase of clothes to his portly wife*
Warlock: False alarm.
*Just as the man undresses the woman’s top, Harry is pulled down by five members of the neighborhood watch and is beaten up as a peeping tom*
*Chico fires a warning shot and puts them against the wall. Harry tells him to let them go as they were just being concerned citizens. One of them even says that he was peeking in on Hot Mary (Lois Foraker) who pulls down the shades with her goods hanging out*
Warlock: Woah now, this movie got better.
*Chico can’t help but say “Now I know why they call you Dirty Harry” as Callahan walks away disgusted*
*All of a sudden they get an 8-0-4 call from dispatch and they take off in hot pursuit. Apparently a man (Bill Couch) on the roof of a building can’t take this cruel world and he wants to take a swan dive into the afterlife*
Warlock: Harry is better off getting him to jump.
*Harry involuntarily goes to the top to talk the poor guy out of jumping. Harry then uses reverse psychology to get the jumper to take a swing at him. Harry then lands a right cross to the jaw, knocking him out but luckily Harry’s got him. They’re lowered by the fire chief to safety*
Warlock: Yeah they made it!
*Harry tells Chico THAT’S why they call him Dirty Harry, he does every dirty job that comes along*
Warlock: A man of the people.
*The next morning they are dispatched to look at the remains of a young black boy that was shot in the face. Upon entering the crime scene, a nearby woman (Mae Mercer) tells them the boy’s name was Charlie Russell and it was her son. Harry pulls the sheet off the corpse and Chico nearly vomits up his intestines*
Warlock: Mind if I eat?
*Sure enough, they find the 30-06 shell casing nearby proving that the killer was Scorpio*
Warlock: Another clue.
*Back at the station the Chief, Bressler, Chico and Harry go over patterns and discover that his next target will be at the local church*
Warlock: After all, in the letter Scorpio wrote he said he’d kill a black and a priest…and he just offed a black.
*That night Harry and Chico set up surveillance on a rooftop across the street from the church. Apparently the priest was warned he was a marked man but refused to let someone stand in for him to take a bullet. While looking for the binoculars, Harry spots a healthy looking young lady in her underwear…who strips them off*
Warlock: Hey woah!
*Two people come to her door but before she can strip them too, Harry spots the door to the roof open. He and Chico lock and load as a figure appears on the nearby roof. Chico shines the light and its Scorpio alright. Harry fires but misses and Scorp starts blasting with an uzi*
Warlock: Where the hell did he get that?
*After a brief shootout where the neon Jesus Saves sign bites it, he runs away*
Warlock: Couldn’t save the sign.
*Chico and Harry run down to catch him, Scorp blows away a police officer and gets away*
*The next day Chico and Harry head to the station where Bressler looks at pictures of a 14 year old girl named Ann Marie Deacon (Debralee Scott) that apparently Scorpio kidnapped the night before. He enclosed a letter saying he buried her alive*
Warlock: What a humanitarian.
*He also says he’s upped his ransom to $200,000 in used 10’s and 20’s*
Warlock: Apparently huge stacks of 5 dollar bills won’t count.
*The letter also says that the girl has enough oxygen to last her until 3 AM and she has nice tits*
Warlock: So he’s a sicko as well as a murderer, lovely.
*The letter says bring the money by 9 PM or else. Also enclosed are locks of her hair, her bra and a tooth that was pulled out with pliers*
Warlock: I dont have a good feeling about this.
*Bressler assigns Harry to crack the case but tells Chico to hit the bricks. Chico scoffs and goes with Harry anyway where Harry gets a wire from Sid the electrician (Maurice Argent). Harry speaks into it and nearly blows Chico’s eardrum out*
*Sid reminds him he only has to whisper and to kindly bring it back in one piece. Back at the Chief’s office, they’ve come up with the money. Harry takes the yellow duffel bag of money and Bressler escorts him to his office, telling him he may be in on a wild goose chase. Once inside he tells Harry to pay the man and leave*
Warlock: Watch, Harry flicks a switchblade and demands Bressler to give up his wallet.
*Harry asks for scotch tape so he can hide it on himself in case things fall into close quarters combat. Bressler says its disgusting that a police officer knows how to use a switchblade and Harry just ignores him*
Warlock: Ah the good ol days.
*Harry is now on the docks where a nearby payphone rings. He answers and its Scorpio asking if he’s got the money. He asks who he is and Harry answers that he’s a cop, drawing a long silence from the other end of the phone. Finally Scorp says he’s going to bounce him all over town to make sure he’s alone (just as Bressler predicted). Apparently he’s going to be running (no car, per order) all over town answering pay phones. If he talks to anyone or doesn’t answer, the girl dies*
Warlock: Ugh, reminds me to those timed missions in GTA 3.
*Scorpio tells Harry to hightail it to Forest Hill Station which causes Chico to take off in the car. Harry makes it to the station and Scorpio tells him to take the bus to the next phone located on Church, once again Chico takes off. Harry literally runs to catch the bus*
Warlock; Remember the wire can’t be heard in a tunnel so Chico can’t really hear him.
*Harry makes it to the next phone panting. Scorpio then says he’s going to make him run for the next one, Aquatic Park*
Warlock: Forest Gump would be proud.
*Harry hoofs to the park where he’s accosted by 3 thugs. They demand his wallet and Harry knocks two of them down before the third runs away when Harry pulls his .44 mag. As he approaches the next phone, some old guy answers it (Charles Murphy) which spooks Scorpio. Luckily for Harry, he rings back and Scorpio tells him to step on it over to Mt Davidson Park. Callahan looks tired but off he goes*
Warlock: That’s his cardio for the day.
*Scorpio gets the jump on Harry, Chico saves the day but gets shot up in the process. Harry buries knife into Scorp’s leg and he falls down a hill. Both Chico and Scorp make it to the hospital ok*
Warlock: Too much time left for this to be over.
*Callahan and Bressler get a call from the hospital that they treated a patient with a knife wound. Once there, its revealed Scorp is actually the guy who sells programs during football games and lives at Kezar Stadium*
Warlock: I should visit there.
*Di Giorgio and Harry beat feet to the stadium. They find Scorp’s hideout but no Scorpio. Apparently he’s limped away only for Harry to hear him and limp off himself in slow pursuit*
Warlock: Whos gonna limp faster?
*Harry chases Scorpio through the stadium until Di Giorgio hits the stadium lights, now Harry’s got Scorp in his sights. Scorpio surrenders and Harry plugs him in the leg*
Warlock: Now we question him.
*Scorp begs for his life and Harry takes him into custody rather than blow his head off*
Warlock: Movie would be over if that happened.
*Next they pull the girl’s body out of where she was buried and she’s very dead*
Warlock: Wow, they DIDNT save the girl.
*Next day at the Hall of Justice, District Attorney Rothko (Josef Sommer) chastises him for his use of force and lack of using Miranda rights, which means as soon as he’s healthy, Scorpio walks*
Warlock: God damn it Harry.
*Rothko says the rifle won’t hold up in court because of the illegal search without a warrant and Judge Bannerman (William Patterson) says they have no chance in hell to win a trial, all evidence including Scorp’s confession would be excluded*
Warlock: Wonderful justice system.
*Scorp goes free and he limps to a playground where Callahan stalks him. Next, he visits the Roaring 20’s strip joint with Callahan watching him like a hawk*
Warlock: Useless information but Road Warrior Animal once bounced at the Roaring 20’s in Minnesota.
*Next day Scorp limps to some abandoned building where he pays $200 to get beaten to a bloody pulp by a black man. It was to set up Callahan and claim HE did it*
*The press mob his stretcher as he fingers Callahan and the Chief grills him in his office. Harry says he’s been following him but he didn’t beat him up, citing that he would have beat him to death if it were up to him. After the obligatory checkup scene with Chico and his wife (Lyn Edgington), Harry vows revenge after revealing his own wife was killed by a drunk driver*
Warlock: She shall be revenged.
*Scorp walks into a liquor store where he asks the owner (James Nolan) how many times he’s been robbed. Owner says 14 and the last two were taken out on a stretcher. Scorp then breaks the 5th of Seagrams over the owner’s head, steals the owner’s gun, some bottles of booze and limps away*
Warlock: It was 5 dollars back then, imagine that now?
*Next day Scorpio boards a school bus and hijacks it much to the chagrin of the driver (Ruth Kobart). He then proceeds to sing Ol McDonald with the kids on the bus before we cut to Callahan walking into the Mayor’s office who reveals Scorp has once again demanded 200K or else he kills the 7 kids on the bus, plus the driver*
Warlock: Oh no anything but that!
*The Chief asks Callahan to take the money to him and he refuses, he’d rather kill him now. Mayor will have none of that and he yells at him*
Warlock: Zero…point…zero chance of him liking that.
*Meanwhile back on the bus, Scorp leads the kids in singing Row Your Boat. Finally one kid has enough and demands to go home which angers Scorp into smacking him. The rest of the kids are frightened and he flips completely out*
Warlock: So much for Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
*Once the bus reaches an overpass, there’s Callahan on the bridge. Scorpio freaks and Harry hops onto the top of the bus*
*Scorp fires a few rounds and knocks the screaming driver out, taking over the wheel. After a shootout, Scorp abandons the bus and takes off for a nearby mill. Another chase scene concludes with Scorp snatching a kid fishing in the creek*
Warlock: Last stand.
*Scorpio demands Harry drop the gun and Harry goes to do it…then whips up and pops Scorp in the arm. The kid runs away and now its one on one*
*Harry repeats the same “lucky punk” line that he used on the bank robber. This time, Scorp reaches for his gun and Callahan blows him away into the drink*
Warlock: Say goodnight dick!
*He then takes his star out of his badge and tosses it into the drink as the credits roll*
Warlock: Obviously this was only supposed to be a one shot movie, he had no idea he’d be in four more if hes throwing his badge away.
The Warlock’s Assessment: I’m going to give it 9 out of 10. 1 point off because the ending was a little lame, but everything else from cast to soundtrack and dialogue went smoothly.
Final Grade: 9 out of 10 – Classic
*Warlock rises from the recliner*
Warlock: That was damn good. Highly recommended but only if you’re not left wing liberal. This was 1971 so politically correctness was non-existent. Lot of racist jokes and comments, lot of shoot em up bang bang and a lunatic killer on the loose. Not exactly family fun for all. Still, this was Eastwood at his best, capping bad guys with the accompanying one liners. For the most part the movie had you on the edge of your seat near the end. Remember this was 1971 so special effects weren’t really special. Films back then relied on visual and psychological effect. The best parts of the movie are the one liners more than the action. If you like action, old school police force, a decent support cast, a great heel and a great lead…this one’s for you. Have a pleasant evening.
*Back in present time. Jennifer looks stunned as Neyz, T, Wallstreet and America look at Warlock*
Jennifer: Well that was…lengthy.
Warlock: Well you wanted the truth, now you have it. That was technically the first one I did back in 2014.
Jennifer: So why wasnt it counted as the first?
Warlock: Because doing it myself wasnt fun. I didnt think it was good enough or funny enough. So I deleted it shortly after Mr. Wallstreet and Mr. America joined the cause.
Jennifer: Mr. America, were you aware if this?
America: Its news to me.
Jennifer: What about you Wallstreet?
Wallstreet: I had no idea.
Warlock: Of course they had no idea, they weren’t in on it yet.
Jennifer: What about you Neyz?
Neyz: I knew about it. In fact, I wanted no part of it at first. He kept begging me until I agreed to take part in the experiment.
Jennifer: Oh, you mean The Enforcer?
Neyz: Actually no….that’s the first one we posted, not the first one we did.
Jennifer: Wait, there’s another one?
*Wallstreet, Lady T and Neyz shake their heads as America kicks back and puts his hands behind his head*
America: Buckle up Ms. Livingston because we’re going overtime.
TO BE CONTINUED