*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black Men’s Warehouse suit with white undershirt, black shoes, black tie and gargoyle shades. Hes holding a wine glass of root beer*
Warlock: Welcome to my lair…welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.
*Warlock does a spinning 360 with flames shooting out both hands before walking inside*
Warlock: Tonight is a special night here at…
*Mr. America is in the recliner wearing a brown Joseph A Bank suit, yellow tie, brown clogs and aviator shades*
America: Our 150th episode special was last night, why am I dressing up this time?
Warlock: Yes, Pokemon was our 150th episode special…but tonight is our ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY SPECIAL!!
America: I don’t remember being married to you.
Warlock: No, of the Realm. Last year on this date we watched Don’t Look In The Cellar. Remember that?
America: I tried to forget that piece of crap.
Warlock: Well that’s what we did last year.
America: What, are we rewatching it?
Warlock: Hell no…I got something else planned. A fan request. We are watching Vile.
America: What is that?
Warlock: I have no idea, its a fan request, I didn’t pick it.
America: We’re sailing blind, lovely.
*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*
Warlock: So let’s get our one year party started, its time for Vile.
*The Warlock reads the tag-line*
Warlock: “A group of friends stop to pick up a hitchhiking woman only to end up getting drugged by her with a gas. They awaken to find that vials have been implanted in the base of their skulls which are of course instantly fatal if they are removed”
America: If they only just kept driving.
*Graphic “The root of violence is science without humanity”
Warlock: Thanks Ghandi.
*Movie opens with guy tied up*
America: He’s not doing so good.
*Doctor (Ceildih Lamont) in labcoat has guy (Christopher Reed) strapped to gurney as the opening credits roll with a really crappy song*
America: I guarantee you this is just a way to introduce the doctor as an evil person. This can’t be the hitchhiking kids.
*Doctor cuts guy open and kills him*
Warlock: That’s a lot of pain pills.
*Flower picking girl ponders life*
Warlock: Who are you?
*A couple sleeps in a sleeping bag. Flower Picking Girl tells Hot Girl she chickened out. Hot Girl says that’s because she’s pregnant. Flower girl goes to Pantless Boyfriend and they snuggle. They ask if they’d rather be locked in a room with spiders or snakes”
Warlock: I’ll take the snakes.
America: Me too.
*Boyfriend asks if she’d rather be in a hot room or cold*
America: Oh don’t worry, you’ll be locked in a room shortly.
*Boyfriend and Flower Girl banter back and forth*
Warlock: At least we’re getting character development.
*Hot Girl’s boyfriend says they have to go. They all pack up*
Warlock: Are we gonna get any names?
*Van drives off*
Warlock: Watch midget runs out and shoot at them.
America: The trailer said crazy doctor lady, not midgets.
*Pantless boyfriend pulls up to a gas station, the pump says out of order*
Warlock: It says out of order you idiot.
*Gas station dude (Larry Beck) stands there*
Warlock: That’s the movie’s executive producer.
*Hitchhiker Lady says goes to Pantless and asks for a ride*
Warlock: Oh he can give her a ride alright. Ride on Space Mountain.
*Pantless Boyfriend fills the one gallon tank for her. Flower Girl is mad at Hitchhiker and calls her a cougar. He says she’s barely a bobcat*
*Diane (McKenzie Westmore) is the Hitchhiker and Tayler (April Matson) is Flower Girl. Pantless Boyfriend remains un-introduced*
America: So, I can understand not picking up a stranger, but you didn’t see her or know her so where does she get off judging her as strange without even seeing her.
Warlock: Outstanding deduction my dear Watson.
*Pantless aims his mirror to check out Diane, Tayler shoots him a mad look*
*Diane starts moaning sexually at the static on the radio*
Warlock: I think that was Andreas Cantor lol
*Diane says she designed her own perfume. They pull over to Diane’s car. She gets out and says she’s going to get samples for the girls to try. She runs back with a mask and sprays the air with some kind of gas, knocking them out*
Warlock: That’s some powerful spray sunscreen.
America: Spray sunscreen??? Its the middle of the night…no light…why would it be sunscreen?
*The quartet is tied up and they wake up in a room with 5 others. Greg (Rob Kirkland), Blonde Girl, Asian Girl, Sam (Greg Cipes) and Julian (Ian Bohen) are looking at them. Greg pulls out Hot Girl’s fingernail with pliers and Julian asks what the fuck is wrong with him. Other Boyfriend gets up and beats the piss out of Greg. Pantless tackles Julian and everybody goes nuts*
*Julian says he’s trapped down there too. Sam says they all need to see the video. The owner of the house (Maria Olsen) appears on tv and explains the situation. The device on the back of their heads is supposed to siphon off chemicals, pain induces those chemicals. They have 22 hours to all reach a quota of pain juice*
Warlock: So they just beat the shit out of each other and go home, not bad.
America: Overly simplifed, yes.
*Pantless is Nick (Eric Jay Beck), Other boyfriend is Tony (Akeem Smith). Hot Girl is Kai (Elisha Skorman), Asian girl is Tara (Maya Hazen). Blonde Girl is still unidentified. Tony wants to leave but Tara says the video is for real. Sam says it was easy for them to be kidnapped. Tara screams at Greg, Sam says arguing won’t help*
Warlock: Nothing will help.
*Julian says he’s not splitting pain with anyone. Julian and Greg nlame each other. Julian starts screaming and crying to the security camera*
Warlock: Jesus Christ, settle down.
*Sam calls for a vote, play by the rules or fight back*
Warlock: Oh boy, 12 Angry Men.
America: There’s 9 of them.
Warlock: 9 Angry men…and women.
*Julian goes to rip off his device. He takes it off and immediately dies. Tony checks him for a pulse, he’s dead*
Warlock: That was easy, 1 dead.
*Tara says only the men should participate. Greg says he’ll personally torture everyone so no feminist crap*
Warlock: He’s right.
America: I’m not even gonna touch that subject.
*Nick holds Greg and the 6 others kicks the crap out of Greg*
Warlock: Oh ho ho what a shot!
*The beat down of Greg only brought the total to 7 percent. Sam says they need to have sex*
Warlock: God damn….
*Tara says she’d rather be tortured than fuck any of them*
Warlock: I don’t blame her.
*Tara grabs the pliers and they tie Greg down. Sam says they’ll stop at 14 percent. Tara starts beating him in the ribs with a piece of wood and whispers “I remember you”. She rips out one of Greg’s fingernails. Kai stabs him with a large fork*
Warlock: Heh, the two guys in the world who don’t cook trying to figure out kitchen utensils.
*Tara interrogates Greg about how he and Julian know what’s going on. She stabs him in the leg with a screwdriver*
Warlock: This is a masochist’s wet dream.
*Tara smashes Greg’s leg against the table. Nick shouts at Tara that he can’t escape. Tony calms everyone down. Greg tells Tara its her turn, she says “Fuck you”. Meanwhile Kai found tools and Tony says he’s keeping all his digits. Tara says not to play along and let them show themselves. Tayler says maybe letting the clock run out is the best idea*
Warlock: Way to rip off Saw 2.
*Nick says they have to play along because after what happened with Julian, he says they can be killed at any time. Tara protests and Tony yells at her, Sam tries to figure out what to do next.*
Warlock: You said that four times already.
*Blonde Girl takes Kai into the kitchen to smash a dish. We get a bad banjo song as Kai numbers broken dish pieces with her own blood*
Warlock: Terrible song.
*Everyone draws numbers. Sam has the lowest number. He says they’ll do it in the basement. Next frame is Sam getting the hot iron treatment. He makes Nick promise to leave his genitals alone. Nick says everyone deserves the same courtesy. Tara says fuck that and Tony yells at her again. Tony apologizes and starts ironing Sam*
Warlock: Mind if I eat?
*Sam says enough with the iron and just use the pliers. Tony pulls a fingernail out*
America: That’s gonna hurt.
*Nick rips another out as even Warlock and America cringe*
Warlock: Those things grow back right?
America: Pretty sure they do.
*Sam collapses after the torture is done. Nick apologizes*
Warlock: Who’s next?
*Sam staggers to a bedroom. Nick checks on him. They share character development while Nick thanks him for taking one for the team and restoring order.*
Warlock: Hey look,. character development.
*Sam asks for some gauze since he’s losing blood but its Nick’s turn. Sam staggers away as Nick says he wants to do it in the bedroom. Meanwhile Tayler is crying on the kitchen counter, Blonde Girl joins her. Tayler admits she’s pregnant and hasn’t told Nick yet*
Warlock: Tell him now, more pain!
America: No don’t. If he finds out, he won’t let anyone touch Tayler.
*Tayler then finds the pain pills Kai shoved in her stock and takes a few of them. Before Nick gets tortured Tara refuses to participate and Kai says Tara is right. Tayler is with them. Tony is pissed and calls them all cowards. Sam rips Nick’s fingernails off. Tara sticks him with a turn drill and drills into him*
Warlock: Oh that’s gonna hurt.
*Nick begs for mercy and we cut here. His pain percentage barely moves and they ask why. Sam says he has a high pain tolerance*
Warlock: Damn, sucks for him.
*Blonde Girl refuses to participate as Sam twirls a knife and says to go get her. Blonde girl cries and calls Tara an evil bitch*
Warlock: She’s right there.
*Lisa is Blonde Girl (Heidi Mueller) and she refuses. Sam grabs her but she fights back. Meanwhile Tayler tries to patch up Nick. Nick says he’s not going through this again. Meanwhile Sam has ripped out Lisa’s fingernails. Tayler tells Nick she’s pregnant. Meanwhile Lisa is finished with her round*
Warlock: Uh oh…
*Tayler tells the whole group she’s pregnant. Nick says he’ll take Tayler’s place. Kai sarcastically calls him Superman. Tayler reveals she had pills. Greg wants the pills and Tony says he deserves them for all he’s been through. Tara says no because they need his pain. Nick then reveals Tara’s plot to leave Greg there. She protests and Tony punches her down*
Warlock: THANK YOU!
America: Hah! Yah really.
*Someone makes a boiling pot of water. Kai, Tayler and Tony are gonna stick their arms in to fill their quota. Tony and Tayler do it but Kai chickens out. They do it a second time but Tara walks in with a knife and stabs Tony. The water falling on him. Tara goes to kill Tony and Nick punches her out. They all have her tied up. They’re going to sacrifice her and she says “Fuck all of you”
America: You had that coming.
*Greg taunts her and Tara says he’s a drug dealer that sells the shit that’s coming out of them. Tara then cuts Kai’s throat and she dies in Tony and Tayler’s arms. Nick, Tayler and Tony cry over Kai*
Warlock: Oh shit….their pain percentage is gonna go down because she’s dead.
*Nick holds Tony back from getting at Tara. Tony says she’s his*
Warlock: Get that bitch.
*Tony knocks her teeth out with a pipe wrench. Then he skins her with a cheese grater*
Warlock: Tommy Dreamer would approve.
*Tony pours alcohol on the wounds. Next frame is clock showing 57 minutes left with 87 percent finished*
Warlock: They almost made it.
*The group asks what to do next. Nick says the worst injury he ever suffered was a broken collarbone. Sam asks who’ll do the honors. Tony volunteers*
Warlock: This is gonna suck.
*Tony apologizes to Nick and smashes his collarbone in, then he smashes Sam and Lisa’s collarbones. He goes to smash Tayler but Tony stops. Nick says no and Tayler insists. Tony says he’ll take it instead. Nick smashes Tony’s collarbone and the graphic reads 100 percent. We get TV Lady congratulating them on a job well done*
Warlock: We got 20 minutes left, this can’t be it.
*TV Lady says to lean against the front door and they’ll be set free. Lisa goes to the front door and her device is taken off. Lisa leaves, then Sam. They hold up Tara to get hers off and Tony taunts her. Tony goes to Kai’s body as Nick watches the door. He picks her up*
Warlock: Oh no no, if his collarbone was broken he wouldn’t be able to pick up a pizza box let alone a woman.
*Kai’s device is taken off and Sam grabs her body. Tony is next and he walks out. Tony starts screaming and Nick gets his device off to go after him, leaving Tayler behind. When Nick gets out, Tara and Lisa are dead. Sam guts Tony with a knife and runs off. Tony says Sam is the traitor. Sam runs off as Tony says to Nick to go get him. Meanwhile Greg admits he IS a drug dealer to Tayler but didn’t know where it came from. Tayler drags him but Greg dies. The pain percentage goes down to 87 and Tayler screams*
Warlock: Ohhhhhh shit.
*Meanwhile Nick confronts Sam. Sam hits the security camera footage of Tayler running around. She pours bleach on her arm wound and slamming cabinet doors on her hand. Sam says he can’t let her go. She burns her back with a dish fryer and runs back to the main room. She drives a nail through her own hand*
*The last act puts Tayler at 100 percent. Meanwhile Sam hits a switch. Nick, Tayler and Tony cry out in pain. Sam says it’ll take 10 minutes for them to die. Sam says they’re his 5th group and they were the nicest apart from Tara. He babbles but Nick guts him with a hidden knife, killing him*
Warlock: Bye bye Sam.
*Nick staggers around and flashes back to him and Tayler. Nick goes back to Tony and gives him the antitode but its too late, he’s dead. Nick cries out to Tayler but she doesn’t respond. Shes dead. Warlock stands and chucks his drink coaster at the TV*
Warlock: Oh that’s bullshit. The movie writer just spent the last 3 minutes torturing her only for her to die?
America: It got you pissed, huh?
Warlock: Damn right.
America: Movie did its job then.
*Warlock sits down*
Warlock: I’ll be goddamned. You’re right.
*Nick gets the main doors open to outside and he walks out*
Warlock: Anticlimactic at this point.
*Next frame is Nick at a diner all covered in tattoos. He drinks coffee and spots Diane across the street*
America: Oh ho ho ho.
Warlock: This just got better.
*Diane gets let out by a trucker on the side of the road. Nick knocks her out, puts Diane in the back of her own van, turns on the radio and the credits roll*
Warlock: Awww man, what a let down.
Mr. America’s Assessment: I’ll give it a 5. It was easy to sit through.
The Warlock’as Assessment: I give it 6. It had character development, good gore scenes, an easy to follow plot.
Final Grade: 5.5 out of 10 – Above average.
*Warlock rises from the couch*
Warlock: That was better than I expected. Actual character development, a decent twist, decent acting, good torture scenes but a lackluster ending. For a B movie I highly recommend this. That’s a wrap on this one, here’s to our one year anniversary and hope there are more in the future. Have a pleasant evening.