*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black wife beater, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a glass of pepsi*
Warlock: Welcome to my lair……welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock!
*Warlock shoots fire into the sky and walks into the lair*
Warlock: Tonight’s action is just that, Back In Action.
*Mr. America is in the recliner wearing green camo fatigues, vest and hat along with black combat boots and aviator shades*
America: What the hell is that?
Warlock: Billy Blanks the Tae-Bo guy and “Rowdy” Roddy Piper team up to take down a mob boss.
America: What? Piper? Blanks? Huh???
*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*
Warlock: So let’s get started with Back In Action.
*The Warlock reads the tag-line*
Warlock: “The sister of a former U.S. Green Beret, is involved in a love affair with a mobster, endangering seriously her life. His brother will make his best efforts to save her from her boyfriend and his friends, fighting with or without external help. But perhaps this tough cop, Rossi, could help him… or stop him..”
America: Da…huh? There’s way too many moving parts and people in that summary to remember what the hell you just rattled off.
*A hearse drives by with the opening credits*
Warlock: Its a little stiff in the rear but it handles well.
*Frank Rossi (Roddy Piper) says they’re right on time. Bunch of goons pull casket out of hearse. One guy snorts coke. A taxi cab is on its way. Billy (Billy Blanks) is the driver. A blue van has Frank and his partner in it. Trick (Kelly Fiddick) is the coke snorter. Frank’s van pulls up to the gaggle of goons. Meanwhile Billy sneaks up on one of them and snaps his neck*
Warlock: Well that was easy.
*Frank meets with the head goons as Billy wipes out another goon. Everybody pulls guns on one another. Frank “Great, now we’re gonna kill each other and nobody’s gonna make no money”
*Billy finds a girl in the limo and goes to pull her out. Billy wipes out another goon who opens fire. A big shootout commences. Billy covers the girl as Frank tags one of the goons. His backup takes out two more. His partner Wallace (Barry Blake) gets tagged. The head goon kills Wallace and stares at Frank who does nothing*
Warlock: Shoot him! What are you waiting for??
*Goon gets away with his men and the money, Billy and the girl run off another way as the police force shows up*
America: I’m assuming how their SWAT truck looks like a bread delivery truck.
Warlock: It probably was, just painted.
*Slow motion gunfire from SWAT team eliminates the rest of the goons. Two of them surrender*
Warlock: Suspect down!
*Frank stands over Wallace and is pissed*
Warlock: He shall be revenged!
*Trick is tagged but he’s got the dope, head goon says they’re headed to the boot. Meanwhile Billy is the brother of the girl. Gantry (Damon D’Oliveira) was the girl’s boyfriend. He tells Trick to shut up and Head Goon just shoots Trick dead*
Warlock: Don’t you love when the bad guys kill each other? Makes it easier for the good guys.
*Billy is trying to protect the girl from Gantry. Billy and the girl fight. She says he used to be a big green beret but is now driving a cab. He takes his jacket off*
Warlock: “I’m gonna whoop yo ass now girl!”
*The girl’s name is Tara (Kai Soremekun) and she escapes. Billy has to go find her. Meanwhile the newscaster Helen Lewinsky (Bobbie Phillips) tells the camera guy (Gerry Quigley) “Cops 6, Hoods 1, final scores at eleven”
America: Wait what??? They will fire her ass on the spot.
Warlock: She was joking, they weren’t filming.
America: Ohhhh okay. I was about to say she’d be shown the door in short order for a comment like that.
*Helen gives the real news update then tracks down Frank to say she’s sorry about Wallace. She wants a scoop and Frank gives her the business. They were lovers 5 years before and Frank cuts a promo saying he’s got a much harder job than she does. He has to tell Wallace’s wife her world is caved in*
America: He does make a valid point.
*Meanwhile Mr. Kasajian (Nigel Bennett) is the head honcho of the drug operation. Gantry and Head Goon put the money and the drugs on his table. Kasajian cuts a promo saying he’s going to have Tara killed. Frank takes Helen to one of Kasajian’s bars where they talk*
Warlock: Oh boy, character development.
*Billy barges in the bar*
America: There’s gonna be a fight!
Warlock: Attack the bartender!
America: What would THAT accomplish?
*Billy finds Tara with Kasajian’s men and Billy wipes them both out while Frank sits and drinks, non-chalantly*
*Billy finishes off the two henchmen with a big spinkick*
Warlock: Oh ho what a shot!
*Frank stops Billy with a gun and says he’s police. Billy kicks him and tells Tara to run for it. Frank clotheslines Billy and says he hates that karate shit*
Warlock: Piper with a clothesline, Billy Blanks is down.
*Frank goes to place him under arrest but Billy fights back*
Warlock: He’d be shot on sight now.
*Billy and Frank go one on one*
Warlock: Well we know Piper can take a punch.
*Frank fights back as the real cops arrive. They arrest Frank as Billy gets away. Frank has the cop (Matt Cooke) frisk him for his badge. After the cop lets Frank go, Frank says “Enjoy the paperwork”
Warlock: Can we cut to the scene where he gets his ass chewed out by the Chief for arresting the wrong guy?
*Tara is taken hostage by twin goons (Martin and Michael McNamara). Billy runs out in his white underwear*
Warlock: Jesus, enough with the jock.
*They attack and Billy fights them off*
America: Goons attack, what’s he gonna do?
Warlock: Beat the shit out of them.
America: Sounds about right.
*Billy throws one twin out the window 40 feet below*
America: *Makes fun of Tara crying*
*Billy snaps the neck of the other twin and screams at Tara for associating with them. She cries in his arms*
Warlock: Police are on the scene!
*Frank and another cop go over the crime scene at Billy’s house. He spots the Special Forces banner as Helen shows up. Frank and her banter back and forth as Frank gives a statement “A full scale police investigation is under way to put an end to senseless violence”
Warlock: He cuts better promos than that.
*Billy and Tara shack up with some old guy. Tara protests about living like a nomad. She blames him for being on the run. Meanwhile Frank gets shit from Lt Burns (Sam Malkin) who then congratulates Frank on the dull interview*
*Kasajian sends Gantry to kill Billy and Tara*
Warlock: Now shit got real.
*Billy asks various bouncers where Gantry is. Billy threatens a bartender to tell Kasajian to take the heat off Tara or he’s dead. 3 guys attack Billy outside the bar. Billy wipes them out in short order and throws one through a bunch of cardboard boxes*
Warlock: Ever notice they always fall through shit?
America: Was that just a sound effect super imposed, nothing happened.
Warlock: Is there a parrot in the recording booth?
*Frank walks in on Helen and hands her a potted plant*
Warlock: He stole that off somebodies windowsill earlier.
*Tara runs into Gantry’s apartment. He tells her not to come any closer. He’s carrying a gun. He reveals he’s sent to kill her. She puts the gun to her head and tells him to do it. He can’t*
Warlock: A man of the people
*He drops the gun and they start going at it*
Warlock: Oh. he’s gonna fuck her first.
America: Looks that way.
*Billy drives his cab to the seedy part of town*
Warlock: Look at all these seedy patrons.
*Seedy people drag race and play chicken. One car flips over and explodes*
Warlock: I don’t remember cars magically exploding.
*Head Goon is now known as Chakka (Matt Birman). He and Kasajian won money on the bet. Chakka spots Billy and has his goons surround him. Billy fights them off one by one*
America: Walker Texas Ranger school of bad guys all over again.
*Giant (Gary Robbins) says “You and me.” They go one on one. Giant goes for the Baldo Bomb but Billy counters with an axehandle smash. Billy eventually takes him down and runs for it. Giant says “get that sonovabitch”. A fence falls on one of them*
*Billy runs into Frank and the goons open fire. Frank says to run for it and they get in Frank’s car, who speeds off*
Warlock: Oh boy, a chase scene.
*Frank leans out the window to take out some goons while Billy continuously shouts to hit the brake. Frank leands back in just in time to swerve to safety*
Warlock and America: Hahahaha
*Frank pulls a gun on Billy and tells him to talk or he’ll shoot. Billy says they have a hit on his sister. The goons start shooting at Billy and Frank and they escape the car just in time. Frank asks if Billy knows how to use a gun. Billy just looks at him funny*
Warlock: Special forces you idiot.
*A chopper shows up*
Warlock: Is it time for the big finale?
America: I doubt it.
*It was a news chopper that saved Frank’s life. Frank tells the Lt that he acted alone and lies to save Billy. Helen grills him and Frank insists he was alone. Meanwhile they watch the news footage of Billy assisting. Frank asks why they didn’t use the footage and Helen says she wanted to go over it with Frank first. They want to run a story on how Billy is a vigilante against the mob. Frank says Billy is protecting his sister from Kasajian. Helen says she’s going to find Tara. Frank “Stay the hell out of police murder investigations!”
Warlock: Yeah, like that happens every day.
*Gantry and Tara finish and they cuddle. Gantry “I should have killed you when I had the chance.”
Warlock: He’s gonna have a lot of explaining to do.
America: Big time.
*Tara says Kasajian won’t look for her very long. Gantry asks about Billy. She says he’s gonna go nuts. Next scene is Billy plowing through a brothel looking for Tara and he wipes out everyone who resists. He wipes out the brothel bouncer with a slow motion kick then spray paints Tara on the wall*
*Frank spots Jerry Gitano (Rob Stefaniuk) and threatens him to let him inside. He confronts Kasajian himself by pretending to be the acupuncture therapist. Frank flicks him continuously*
*Frank beats the shit out of Chakka. Frank threatens him and then delivers a bulldog followed by a dropkick outside*
Warlock: Piper goes berserk.
*Frank goes to kill Chakka but stops himself and arrests him. Kasajian asks on what grounds. Frank says he’s a cop killer but Kasajian says he’ll get off. Chakka’s lawyer (David Ferry) says he’ll have Chakka out by morning as the presinct has to hold Frank back from taking a swing at the lawyer*
Warlock: Who wouldn’t want to swing at a lawyer?
*3 card players (Geza Kovacs, Ray Paisley and Robbie Rox) are shot up by Billy. He says only one will live. One card player kills the two others and Billy says to tell Kasajian he’s next*
Warlock: Kasajian is going to have a massive headache between Billy and Frank.
*Helen tells Frank that Billy’s struck again. Chakka tells Kasajian not to be worried. Kasajian says Chakka should be worried. Meanwhile Frank goes to the new crime scene where the card player is wheeled out. Frank goes over evidence. Helen says she’ll find Tara before Billy does*
Warlock: Its 3 way race to the girl.
*A midget at the phone booth (Mark Parr) asks Tara for a quarter. She gives him one and he calls in, its one of Helen’s informants. Meanwhile Lt Burns pulls Frank off the case. Frank says “Yes SIR!” Frank does paperwork at his desk as we cut to a junkyard*
Warlock: Want to buy a car?
America: Why do I need a car?
*Billy makes his appearance at the junkyard, which is really a chop shop for Kasajian. Billy wipes out everyone singlehandedly. Frank hops up and takes out two thugs with shotguns. Billy uses a blowtorch to mark his territory. Frank confronts him and says he’s going to take him in. “There’s been a traffic jam at the morgue ever since you got yourself into this thing”
Warlock: There’s a traffic jam at the morgue.
*Billy wants Frank’s help to find Chakka and Tara. They’re on the same side. Frank lowers his gun. Meanwhile we switch to Helen who’s with Tara and Gantry. Helen says she doesn’t want to know where they want to go, but she’ll report that they’re gone. We go back to Frank and Billy back bar*
America: Oh crap, I screwed up.
*Helen reports that Tara is alive. Frank gets spooked and drives Billy to the news station*
Warlock: She’s next.
*Jerry attacks Helen and Helen beats the shit out of him. Chakka intervenes and takes her hostage. He browbeats her as Jerry drives off*
Warlock: Love how she beat the crap out of Jerry, hahaha.
*The News Editor (Timm Zemanek) tells Frank he doesn’t know where Helen is but he’ll help find her. Meanwhile Chakka busts in and shoots Gantry. He goes to kill Tara but Helen says if he kills her, he has no bargaining chip to find Billy. He says she’s right and says they’re gonna go for a nice boat ride*
Warlock: Now its time for the big finale.
*Billy and Frank are in hot pursuit*
Warlock: What, they’re gonna go in unarmed?
America: Seems that way.
*Billy and Frank find Gantry who’s still alive. Gantry says they’re taking her to Kasajian’s boat and we cut here*
Warlock: Is he dead?
America: Well if he isn’t, he will be soon.
*Billy and Frank come upon the freighter. They storm it by climbing up the morn line*
Warlock: Why didn’t they just cut the rope? They never would have gotten on.
America: Why the hell would they do that? Cause all that would do is set the ship adrift. “What will we do now? I don’t know, just just watch the ship drift until sunrise. maybe we can paddle our way on board”
Warlock: Noooooo…I didn’t mean why didn’t Piper cut the rope, why didn’t the bad guys cut the rope so Piper couldn’t get on.
America:….You need to be more specific. Stop implying you’re talking about our heroes. That would ruin the ship and they’d be shot for being stupid!
*Billy and Frank wipe out a bald headed henchman and steals his gun. Billy doesn’t want a six shooter. Frank “Do I look like Santy Claus?”
Warlock: Hell no. That’s Goldberg.
*Billy and Frank wipe out more henchmen*
Warlock: You know, for reality purposes…how many henchmen does this guy have? They’ve beaten the shit out of 100 guys throughout the movie.
America: Its still not enough.
*Billy and Frank say they need to create a diversion in order to rescue the women. Billy uses a Jerry Can to start a fire*
Warlock: Got any marshmallows?
Warlock: Ruh roh.
America: All they did was set the deck on fire.
*Giant attacks Billy as Frank is knocked out with a butt of a gun. Frank is taken hostage and is put with Tara and Helen*
Warlock: We got 14 minutes.
*Kasajian leaves Billy and Frank to Chakka, he and Jerry are going below with Tara and Helen. Chakka browbeats Frank as Billy gets the upperhand with Giant. Kasajian uses the acupuncture needles to torture Helen. Chakka has Frank untied as Billy sets Giant on fire and blows half the deck away*
America: There’s your distraction.
*Helen kicks Kasajian in the head and Tara kills one of the henchmen. Frank wipes out two more henchmen. Its down to Frank and Chakka one on one as Billy goes apeshit on random goons. Tara shoots and kills a henchmen as well*
Warlock: So Helen fights like Bruce Lee, Billy is a special forces ace and Tara is a crack shot. Chakka likes to shoot his own guys….in essence Piper doesn’t have to do shit.
America: Pretty much.
*Billy slow motion shoots more bad guys. Meanwhile Frank gets the upperhand with Chakka. He goes to kill Chakka who taunts him and says he can;t kill him, only arrest him. Frank guts and kills Chakka with his own knife*
Warlock: I didn’t see that, did you?
America: See what?
*Kasajian takes Tara hostage and Billy points a gun at him*
Warlock: Okay…how many times do we see this? This guy’s whole operation just got blown away. All his henchmen are dead….he’s under arrest more or less. Even if there’s a magical bolt of lightning that strikes Billy and he shoots everyone else to get away. The entire police force would be looking for him and he has no manpower left. Why doesn’t he just give up? Everybody does this in movies. The head honchos are the last man standing, amidst rubble and a crumbled empire AND STILL TRY TO TAKE A HOSTAGE.
America: I can nullify your entire rant, by saying one thing.
America: They’re trying to make a run for it.
Warlock: Yeah, he’s still going to be chased by the entire police force and have no resources left.
America: Stupid motivation, but still.
*Billy tosses the gun in the air and Kasajian watches it, Billy pulls out another gun and empties a whole clip into Kasajian who falls 40 feet off the boat onto his own car*
Warlock: So his ADD just killed him. He literally watched the gun.
America: It was slow motion.
*Helen tends to Frank as Billy hugs Tara*
Warlock: Yay we did it
*Warlock goes to shake America’s hand*
America: Did what??? Get outta here.
*Frank and Helen says the news will show that Billy was a one man vigilante who took down the bad guys by himself and disappears. The news and the police are on their way. Frank says no interviews as the credits roll*
Warlock and America: Heh.
*Mr. America’s Assessment: I give it a 4.5 out of 10.
The Warlock’s Assessment: I give it a 5. It was entertaining but got a little redundant in the middle as the chase was on to find Tara. We never found out if Gantry lived or died. The puns were cool though. There was some good action scenes. It was an average B movie.
Final Grade: 4.5 out of 10 – Below Average
*Warlock rises from the couch*
Warlock: That was about as average as you could get. It was a cookie cutter story that dominated B movies of the time period. Buddy cop team up movies were redundant by that point but at least it was an interesting matchup with a martial arts master like Blanks and a wrestler like Piper. Well that about wraps up…..
*Mr. America suddenly pops up dropkicks Warlock and he slow motion falls through a bunch of cardboard boxes that magically appeared out of nowhere*
Warlock: Where the hell did these come from?
America: Have a pleasant evening.