*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a gray wife-beater, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a wine glass of root beer*
Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.
*Warlock levitates and enters the lair*
Warlock: Tonight is a special treat.
*Mr. America is in the recliner wearing green camo fatigues, vest and hat along with black combat boots and aviator shades*
America: And why is that?ou
Warlock: Tonight following our movie we will be having a special interview, live via satellite with our friend, Dr. Taylor Ahern.
America: No….that means…..
Warlock: That’s right, tonight’s movie is Mega Shark vs Mecha Shark!
*America throws his hands up then face palms*
America: Oh god, why must you torture me?
*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*
Warlock: So let’s get started with Mega Shark vs Mecha Shark.
*The Warlock reads the tag-line*
Warlock: “A new mega shark threatens to destroy humanity. The government creates an exact robotic copy of the shark, either equal to or greater than the original. Now they must fight to the death while people and whole cities get in the way.”
America: A shark is an aquatic creature, how do whole cities get in the way? If anything they should be spectating.
*City is shown*
Warlock: Is that Chicago?
America: Could be New York.
Warlock: Not even close
*Raul and the Captain play chess, Captain goes on a rant*
Warlock: Shut up and suck on that.
America: No thank you.
America: Shifting? That’s falling apart.
*Giant shark emerges from the ice block*
Warlock: Yeah because that makes sense.
*Pyramid’s head explodes*
*2 Megalodon escape and we get various news stories say air and sea trades have stopped*
America: Ok, by sea I can see, but by air…no.
Warlock: By sea..you can see.
*Nero (Paul Anderson) is the voice of the Mecha Shark. Rosie (Elisabeth Rohm) and Jack (Christopher Judge) take Mecha Shark for a spin. They call for a 60 degree roll*
America: That’s not 60 degress! That’s a 90 degree roll at least. That’s perpendicular.
*2 giant octopus attack Mecha Shark*
Warlock: So two giant octopus are normal in this world?
*Mecha Shark deploys Eel electricity to shock them away. Jack gets an urgent message from dry dock*
Warlock: Ever notice dry dock is never dry, its always wet?
America: Do you know what a dry dock is?
*Admiral Engleberg (Matt Lagan) says its ready*
Warlock: Lunch is ready.
*Engleberg, Rosie and Jack meet a new Mecha Shark. Jack doesn’t like it*
Warlock: You tell em Teal’c
*Fish freighter says its heading home*
America: No you’re not.
*Ship is swallowed whole by Megalodon*
America: Told ya.
*Guy goes on camera saying he’s more worried about family than the Megalodon. He goes on a rant saying his son is dead and is pissed that nobody is doing anything about the giant sharks*
Warlock: Wouldn’t a rocket launcher stop it?
America: You know what, you go off to die and I’ll stay right here.
*Jack and Rosie share bonding moments*
Warlock: Sorry folks, should have told you about the subplot.
*Rosie feels responsible for what happened*
America: Wonderful, want to tell us what happened?
*Dr. McNeil (Debbie Gibson) says the Megalodon is pissed off and very aggressive*
Warlock: That is something we already knew.
*Captain Hanson (Bill Vorhees) gets a line to Engleberg*
Warlock: Why is a Captain running around like a petty officer?
*Jack and Rosie go to kiss but Engleberg stops him*
America: Wow, no developing love plot, we already have it established.
Warlock: This movie doesn’t want to waste any time.
America: There’s a big shark, we need to destroy it. Okay.
Warlock: Simple and to the point, no stone unturned.
America: Love story? Who needs it? Cataclysmic world event, don’t worry about it, this is the third time its happened. Problem solved.
*Mecha Shark is just about ready as the Megalodon shows up. Captain Zane (Lance Buckner) is ready to fire. Rosie pilots the Mecha and puts a GPS signal on the Megalodon. They fire a torpedo at the shark who just deflects it back to the Virginia and sinks it*
Warlock: So the shark can deflect torpedo blasts.
America: I’m guessing torpedos aren’t strong enough.
Warlock: So what the hell is the shark made out of in this world?
America: You do realize…..nevermind.
*Engleberg says he lost 436 men on that ship. Jack says he needs to install Nero, it’ll take a day*
Warlock: We’re 23 minutes in and this movie already stinks.
*Nero prevents Jack from smoking*
Warlock: Great, a no smoking AI.
*Jack says good news is they’re going into battle to test things out, bad news is its for real. Jack tells Nero that she’s taken*
Warlock: I don’t think she’s going to fall in love with an AI computer.
*Megalodon attacks an oil rig*
Warlock: Oh wonderful.
*Mecha Shark with Nero installed searches for the shark*
Warlock: Tell me you have more than backscatter.
America: Why are you asking me?
Warlock: Got any scuttlebutt?
America: Why would I have scuttlebutt?
*Megalodon attacks an oil rig to blind Rosie. Her orders are to close on the target but Jack says the whole world is fucked if they don’t fix the oil leak. Rosie diverts and fixes the leak*
*Plane captain says they need to land. Mega Shark jumps 38000 feet in the air only for Mecha Shark to jump up and deflect it*
Warlock: 38,000 feet in the air, no sweat for a shark.
*Megalodon attacks a ship, Rosie cries. Jack says to go kick the shark’s ass*
Warlock: Well bullets and torpedoes won’t penetrate it, what do they do?
America: They’ll think of something.
*Mecha Shark is attacked, Rosie is unresponsive. Jack can’t get her on the radio. Nero then malfunctions and blows things up around it. Rosie is unconscious but alive. The Megalodon is attacking an aircraft carrier. It attacked because the High Frequency Emitters pissed it off. The Megalodon sinks the carrier*
Warlock: I give up figuring this movie up.
*CGI Battleship shows up*
America: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? THAT’S NOT A BATTLESHIP, I DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT IS SUPPOSED TO BE. ITS A FRANKENSTEIN OF SHIPS. ITS HULL AND CONNING TOWER IS OF A DESTROYER, THE GUNS ARE OF A BATTLESHIP!!!! TWO TOTALLY DIFFERENT SHIPS!
*Jack tends to Rosie*
America: Wake up sleepyhead.
*Engleberg says all lives lost. Nero says he’ll pilot the Mecha Shark alone. Rosie has a flashback of her daughter dying. She wakes up and Jack tends to her*
Warlock: This movie sucks.
*Dr. McNeil tells Rosie that Megalodon is heading for Sydney, Australia where the Megalodon home world once stood 200 million years ago. Its coming home to mate*
Warlock: Sure, let’s go with that.
*General Hogan (Simon Barbero) greets Rosie as Mecha Shark will be sent in to take out the Megalodon*
America: What’s keeping Nero from going Terminator and joining the other shark.
Warlock: Because that would make no sense.
*Megalodon sinks another freighter with ease. Some woman (Fiona Hardingham) lost her daughter Stacey (Emma Rose Maloney). Rosie goes to find her*
America: Here I come to save the dayyyyyyyyyyy
*The sharks fight, Nero is damaged. Rosie chases after Stacey*
America: Why is this dumbass running away?
*McNeil calls Engleberg and says Megalodon isn’t leaving Sydney. Engleberg says the bright side is he’s in an enclosed area. McNeil says he’s going to get aggressive if he doesn’t find a mate*
Warlock: LIKE HE WASN’T ALREADY???
*Megalodon throws Mecha Shark onto land as Engleberg says its gone into drone mode meaning its fully AI now*
Warlock: There’s your terminator.
*Guy yells at Jack and Jack says he just rode in on a giant robot shark*
Warlock: Instead of a wrecking ball.
America: Came in with a wrecking ball…why are you making Miley Cyrus references.
Warlock: Billy Ray said I could.
*Mecha Shark tuns its safety protocols off. It sees everyone as a threat and goes to attack Stacey. Jack carries her to safety until Rosie arrives*
Warlock: Good call on the terminator.
America: Everyone is the enemy!
*Heath (Marshall Dunn) gets run over by Mecha Shark. Some fat guy spits up fake blood*
Warlock: Well better them than us.
*McNeil’s new plan is to use Mega to attack Mecha and it’ll go away peacefully after*
Warlock: Oh my good god, they switched roles. I should have known.
*Jack returns Stacey safetly as Mecha attacks. Rosie jumps inside Mecha and tries to rewire everything. Jack is outside trying to lead it to water. Engleberg sets off depth charges. It doesn’t work*
Warlock: Why am I not surprised?
*Jack rides around on a motorcycle then jumps the Mecha…500 feet in the air*
Warlock: Hahahahaha what the fuck.
America: He made that jump going off a car 5 feet high.
*Engleberg starts shooting with a pistol at the water and taunts Mega. Mega sinks his ship*
Warlock: At least he went down fighting right?
*Rosie sets the HFE to draw the Mega close to her. Jack says to get out of there now. Two F-15’s blast the Mecha, knocking Rosie into the chum tank*
Warlock: Ewwwww. Is this the part where Jack flaps his arms?
America: What good would THAT do?
*Jack tries too warn the F-35’s not to shoot Mecha but it fires its missiles. Knocking Mecha goofy. Meanwhile Jack jumps into the mini-Mecha and pilots into the Mecha wreckage. He steals Nero’s flashdrive and puts it into Mini-Mecha. Nero comes back online and Jack instructs him to override the drone lock. He returns control to Nero and he empties the chum tank*
Warlock: Hooray she’s saved.
*Engleberg is eaten by the Megalodon*
Warlock: NOW he’s gone.
*Rosie swims to the surface and Jack pilots Mini-Mecha to shore. He catches up with Rosie as a bomb goes off on Mecha that takes it out and Mega. The guts splatter onto Rosie and Jack*
Warlock: Hooray its over.
*Jack says “So long Nero, and thank you”
Warlock: Everybody’s dead.
*Jack pulls out Nero’s flash drive and says just work out the kinks and he’ll be as good as new*
Warlock: So not everyone is dead.
*They kiss amidst the wreckage. Jack says they have explaining to do. End credits with cgi helicopters*
Warlock: Thank god its over.
Mr. America’s Assessment: I give it a 2
The Warlock’as Assessment: I give it a 2. It was a horrible waste of time with no gore effects, shitty cgi and corny dialogue. Not too much was redeeming other than it was short and to the point.
Final Grade: 2 out of 10 – Abomination
*Warlock rises from the couch*
Warlock: Holy moly that was garbage. This movie made Sharknado look like Jaws. Now joining us for a little chat, from his lab, live via satellite, noted scientist Dr. Taylor Ahern. Taylor can you hear me?
*The movie screen fades and we are shown Dr. Ahern’s lab. A cardboard cut-out of a Megalodon is on the bulletin board while a human in a mecha shark outfit stomps around*
Warlock: What the hell is that?
*A human hand opens the jaws of the Mecha Shark head, its Taylor*
Ahern: Greetings Warlock. I hear you loud and clear, what can I do for you today?
*Mr America opens his arms in confusion then facepalms. Warlock waves*
Warlock: Good evening Doctor. Mr. America and I have just finished Mega Shark vs Mecha Shark. I see you’ve already gotten into the spirit of the movie.
Ahern: Not exactly. The movie didn’t represent sharks very well. Usually Megalodon’s that emerge from a block of ice don’t travel to Australia. Everyone knows they travel to Antarctica, but will movie companies listen to me? Noooooooo.
America: So what’s with the get up?
Ahern: To understand the shark, you must get inside the shark. In order to fight off this Megalodon on here, I must put myself in the Mecha Shark’s position in order to survive the attack.
Warlock: That seems to be great strategy.
America: But…but…..whatever. Continue.
Ahern: Observe if you will.
*Ahern takes a few steps back then charges the bulletin board head first and destroys the cut out, the bulletin board and the mecha head when he crashes into the nearby wall. He slumps downward*
America: Can’t say I’m surprised there.
Warlock: Dr. Ahern are you alright?
*Ahern coughs and gags as he pulls himself up to his lab desk, sprawling himself out on it*
Ahern: Yes…*coughs*…I’ll be fine. That Megalodon was tough, I need to create a tougher Mecha Shark to battle it.
*America goes to protest but Warlock cuts him off*
Warlock: Well then you have a lot of work to do. Its great talking to you again, farewell.
*Ahern gives a half hearted wave as he continues to gather himself. The screen fades back to the DVD menu*
America: I don’t know you why you keep encouraging him.
Warlock: Oh shut up….anyway that about wraps up another craptastic adventure, have a pleasant evening.