3 DAYS EARLIER
*The Warlock is on a Skype call with The Mysterious Benefactor*
Warlock: Our 150th and one year anniversary specials are coming up.
TMB: Do you need anything?
Warlock: No, I got those two covered. I will need something in the meantime.
TMB: I got something for you.
TMB: How about a Peter Jackson movie?
Warlock: I’m interested.
TMB: Ever heard of Dead Alive?
Warlock: Yeah, I remember the cover of the tape at Blockbuster when I was a kid.
TMB: You want to see it?
Warlock: Sure, send it.
TMB: This is one of the goriest films you’ll ever see.
Warlock: I like it already.
*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black t-shirt, bluejeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a glass of Pepsi*
Warlock: Welcome to my lair…welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock*
*Warlock emits a flame in his palm before closing his hand and walking inside*
Warlock: Tonight’s terror tale is Dead Alive.
*Mr America is sitting in the recliner wearing green camo fatigues, vest and hat along with black combat boots and aviator shades*
Warlock: Its a Peter Jackson movie so this shouldn’t suck too hard. Plus I got intel that its incredibly gory.
America: I like it already.
Warlock: That’s what I said.
*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*
Warlock: Let’s get going with Dead Alive.
*The Warlock reads the tag-line*
Warlock: “A young man’s mother is bitten by a Sumatran rat-monkey. She gets sick and dies, at which time she comes back to life, killing and eating dogs, nurses, friends, and neighbors.”
America: That’s one hungry woman.
*Opening credits and graphic saying Skull Island 1957*
Warlock: Unlike Skull Mountain which was destroyed in 1933.
*Two guys are transporting a monkey. The native says its cursed*
Warlock: Its always cursed.
*Two guys are attacked by villagers. The witch doctor (Johnny Chico) yells at him*
America: No clue what he’s saying.
Warlock: The rat monkey must be set free.
America: You can understand? What???
*The New Zealand explorer shoots a gun over their heads to scare them off. He picks up the crate and they run for it. A guy in a jeep drives the duo off until they hit a rock and the monkey bites the explorer. The other guy picks up a machete and cuts the guys hand off*
Warlock: Ohhhh yeahhhhhh
*They cut the guys arm off then his head*
Warlock: Damn this is awesome.
*The other guy shops the monkey to New Zealand and we get the opening credits*
Warlock: What kind of plane is that?
Warlock: Accurate for 1957?
*A dude with glasses takes the crated monkey around. Paquita (Diana Penalver) flirts with Roger (Harry Sinclair) as her grandmother (Davina Whitehouse). Later on her father (Silvio Famularo) is eating dinner. The grandmother reads tarot cards saying someone else besides Roger will become romantic with him. She’ll know its him because of the symbol of the star and the moon. Meanwhile a customer is waiting*
Warlock: Nice dialogue Jackson.
*Lionel Cosgrove (Timothy Valve) is clumsy and knocks things over. But he knocks over pencils that form a cross. Paquita remembers the cards and she stalks him out of the store where he nearly gets hit by a trolley car*
*Lionel’s mum (Elizabeth Moody) confronts him with a knife. She demands he gets rid of a beetle*
Warlock: Was that George or Paul?
America: You’re an idiot.
*Mum badgers him up and down as he mows the lawn*
Warlock: Overbearing mothers.
*Paquita’s dog licks Lionel and Paquita checks him out. They share bonding moments. She makes him ask her out*
Warlock: Hahahaha that’s awesome.
*Mum pounds around as Lionel runs in*
*Mum looks at a picture of Lionel’s dad (Jim Booth) and tries to guilt trip Lionel into staying home*
America: Ah the classic overbearing mother tries to keep her son around ploy. Don’t fall for it. You better not bail on this date, she spelled it out for you. Go!
*Lionel takes Pacquita to the zoo. He’s fine until he spots water. He teases a flashback and he runs*
Warlock: He’s afraid of water? He’s gotta take a piss?
*Lionel says when he was younger he nearly drowned by falling into the water. His father saved him but died in the process*
Warlock: Ah, that explains overbearing mother. Blames him for the dad’s death.
*Pacquita takes Lionel to see the monkeys*
America: Don’t do it!*
*They kiss until a monkey throws an apple core at them. They rhrow it back and it bounces off the fence. A monkey reaches for it but is attacked by the infested Rat Monkey. It tears the monkey’s arm off and eats it*
Warlock: Nice Peter Jackson claymation.
*Zookeeper (Tony Hiles) tells the history of the monkey as Mum sneaks up on the duo. She slips on a banana peel and is attacked by the Rat Monkey, who bites her arm. She stomps it to death*
Warlock: That was awesome.
*Lionel takes Mum home and Nurse McTavish (Brenda Kendall) patches her up. Lionel puts her oto the bed and goes to bed himself. Outside Pacquita calls for him. He goes to see her and Pacquita wants to go out, he’s abrasive*
America: Come on buddy, go for it.
Warlock: OHHHHHHHHHH, LOOK WHO’S COMPLAINING NOW! You rag on me for the same thing.
America: No…YOU complain when he DOESN’T make a move. I’m saying she wants it but he’s nervous.
*Pacquita and Lionel get it on as Mum begins to change. Next morning Lionel changes the bandages and her wounds are pussing and gross*
Warlock: This is awesome.
*Lionel answers the door and its Nora (Glenis Levestam) of the Ladies Welfare League and her husband (Lewis Rowe). Part of her face falls off and Lionel glues it back on*
Warlock: Hahahaha that’s hilarious.
*Mum moans and mumbles through dinner as she tries to talk to Nora. Lionel is nervous and the husband is oblivious*
Warlock: I love how the husband doesn’t give a shit.
*Husband demands custard pudding. He eats it slowly as Mum pusses in his custard. He eats it*
Warlock: I may barf just like Nora.
*Mum’s ear falls off into her custard and she eats it. Nora runs away*
*Lionel cleans up muddy footprints as the dog goes upstairs. Paquita tries to warn him but realizes the dog is upstairs. He pulls the entire dog out of her mouth. Pacquita “Your mother ate my dog!!”
*Mum attacks Pacquita but she shoves her down the stairs. Pacquita fetches Nurse McTavish and she asks how long she’s been like this*
Warlock: Oh about…20 minutes.
*Mum dies in Lionel’s arms. McTavish says there was nothing they could do*
Warlock: They could have ran.
*Mum springs to life and rips McTavish’s face off then attacks Lionel. Pacquita is oblivious as Lionel fights her off. McTavish springs to life as a zombie and Lionel nearly takes her head clean off. He throws them both in the basement and locks the door*
America: I know this shit turns them into zombies. But this doesn’t seem like a very good monster.
Warlock: They’re zombies.
America: No, but they attack each other. Not much of a chance of it spreading that way.
Warlock: You’re complaining? The movie will be shorter.
*Lionel visits the nazi vet (Brian Sergent) who hands him tranqs. Meanwhile he subdues McTavish in the basement then goes to sleep, dreaming of water. He visits Pacquita who’s grandmother says he’s marked for death as Mum breaks out of the basement*
Warlock: Uh oh.
*Grandma puts an amulet around Lionel’s neck and says to keep it with him always*
Warlock: I wonder why.
*Mum is hit by a trolley and launched into the store. Lionel uses the vet’s tranqs to subdue her. Meanwhile Father McGruder conducts the funeral for Mum. Uncle Les (Ian Watkin) hits on Pacquita and she walks away*
*Undertaker (Peter Vere-Jones) and his assistant (Peter Jackson) try to prepare Mum for burial as she explodes pus everywhere*
Warlock: That’s Peter Jackson himself.
*Mum busts out of the casket. She and Lionel brawl into the service where Uncle Les laughs his ass off. Everybody runs out disgusted as Pacquita catches up with Lionel who’s embarrassed*
*Someone makes the comment Lionel will be the sole beneficiary as Les sneers*
Warlock: Oh boy, new plot.
*Lionel digs up Mum’s grave and is stopped by Void (Jed Brophy) and his gang. He pisses on the grave as the gang beats up Lionel. Mum kills Void and rips his balls off. Mum wipes out the gang as Father runs outside. “What in Gods name is going on out here?” One gang member and the drunk along with mum stalk Lionel*
America: Oh now they cooperate?
*Father goes to town on everyone with martial arts. “I kick arse for the lord” He rips body parts off and beats the zombies with them. He wipes everyone out until he’s bit by one of the decapitated heads. He’s then impaled on a statue*
Warlock: HAHAHAHAHAHAA!!!! That’s awesome!
America: Did not see that coming.
*Lionel prepares breakfast for Mum, Father, Void and McTavish. He tries to fix bodyparts*
*Uncle Les visits Lionel and says the place stinks. Les wants to be the beneficiary*
America: Oh just kill him already.
*Les leaves.as Father and McTavish are making out*
*Pacquits confronts Lionel about why he’s acting strange. He tells her it was a mistake to see her and says goodbye. she cries but Lionel has a change of heart. Meanwhile Roger runs up and punches him out. He tells him never to touch Pacquita again. He staggers back to his basement. Father, McTavish, Void and Mum are there. Lionel pulls a baby zombie out of the radio attached to McTavish*
Warlock: Oh god lol.
*Lionel pushes a stroller around. Baby zombie bounces around and crawls around*
Warlock: Ok this is getting stupid.
*Lionel punches the baby around as mothers look on horrified. The town drunk (Duncan Smith) loves it*
Warlock: Can we progress the story now?
*Roger brags about himself to Pacquita as Lionel walks by*
Warlock: Him again?
*Uncle Les confronts Lionel and happily says he’s going to report the dead bodies in the basement. Lionel says to Les the money and the house is all his so Les won’t report the bodies*
Warlock: He’s got a plan.
*Lionel drops the bottle of tranqs and as Les throws a party with dozens of people. Les confronts Lionel about getting rid of the bodies. Meanwhile Les rips on Lionel’s father as he dances with some woman. Roger and Pacquita walk toward the house. Pacquita walks inside and is shocked. Les hits on her and she strikes him before retreating to the basement. The zombies come to life to attack Pacquita. Lionel fights them off to save her. He doesn’t know what to do. Pacquita tries to reason that its not his mother anymore*
Warlock: Good point.
*Lionel injects Mum with poison. The baby is next. Soon Pacquita and Lionel have them all buried*
Warlock: There’s like 25 minutes left, this can’t be it.
*Les confronts Lionel and shoves Pacquita against the wall. Lionel punches him but Les throws him down the basement stairs. Les goes to rape Pacquita as the zombies pop up. Lionel looks at the poison label and its a stimulant, not a killer. The zombies are all jacked up as they escape the basement*
Warlock: The shit just hit the fan.
*The zombies attack and kill everyone*
Warlock: Good gore effects.
*Les climbs out the window as Pacquita saves Lionel by cutting someone;s hand off, and the hand picks Lionel’s nose*
*Lionel tells Pacquita to run as Les fights zombies off with a garden gnome. Lionel is cornered*
America: How are they going to resolve this?
*Lionel runs in place*
Warlock: This is getting too silly.
*Les is attacked by Father and Les holds him down and pills his teeth out with pliers. Pacquita saves Rita (Elizabeth Mulfaxe) from Mandy (Tina Regtien). Lionel restrains Void by sticking him on the toilet. Lionel makes it to the attack where he finds the amulet that Pacquita’s grandmother gave him. It points itself to a treasure chest*
America: Are we finally going to end this?
*Lionel finds pictures of his father and another woman.
Warlock: Hi dad.
*Baby attacks and bites Rita. Pacquita punts the baby into a blender which riccochets it out of the house into Les’ gonads. He recovers and demands to be let in. They bring her in and Les freaks out. Rita freaks out, Les freaks out. Meanwhile Lionel removes a drape and inside the chest is his father’s corpse*
Warlock: Mind if I eat?
*Les goes to kill Rita but Pacquita stops him. Les ends up killing Mandy instead. Void’s intestines attack Lionel and Les goes to town on more zombies, wiping out a whole hot of them. He smokes a cigarette in celebration*
*Les grinds one zombie up as Baby kicks him in the balls. He chases him around into the basement as Lionel is launched out the window. Meanwhile Mum is now a gigantic monster who kills Les. Lionel walks into the house with a lawnmower “Parties over” and he wipes out nearly everyone with it*
Warlock: Benefactor wasn’t lying when he said this was gruesome.
America: This is the first time I’ve ever seen it used in this fashion.
Warlock: That’s a good thing, isn’t it?
America: Yeah I’d say so.
*Pacquita pulls Rita to safety as the Lawnpower continues to do the job*
America: This still should have ended a while ago.
Warlock: Yeah, its a 70 minute movie extended for gore purposes.
*Zombie monster Les attacks Rita and Pacquita smashes his head like a guitar*
*Void is the only zombie left in the hall but Lionel can’t get the mower started initially. Finally he gets it started and cuts up Void*
Warlock: Getting down to the nity gritty here.
*Baby kills Rita by busting out of her face as Pacquita triggers a gas alarm fire. Pacquita kisses Lionel’s cheek and gives him the amulet. Lionel says Mum is still alive*
Warlock: Finally time for the showdown.
*Gigantic Mum monster busts out of the floor. Lionel grabs Pacquita and runs upstairs*
Warlock: Jesus, I like the gore, I like the action, I like the comedy elements but this is just dragging on and on!
America: They could have wrapped this up a half hour ago.
*Pacquita and Lionel make it to the roof where Mum busts through. Lionel “All my life you told me nothing but lies. He says Mum murdered his father and the mistress right in front of him*
Warlock: Its revealed!
*Lionel gets sucks back into Mum’s womb as Pacquita screams “Nooooo”
Warlock: So much for him huh.
*Mum goes to attack Pacquita but Lionel busts out using the amulet. Mum falls back into the house which is engulfed in flames. Pacquita and and Lionel kiss on the street after Lionel tosses the amulet away*
Warlock: Awww, isn’t that cute?
Warlock: Ugh, finally.
Mr. America’s Assessment: I’ll give it a 3.5. I was going to give it a 5 but it just dragged too long. It took away from the movie.
The Warlock’s Assessment: I give it a 6. I was going to give it a 7 but it just dragged on and on and on…good god did it drag. I mean the gore effects was great, the writing was great but god damn it was an hour and forty four minutes that should have been over in seventy, maybe eighty.
Final Grade: 4.5 out of 10 – Below Average.
*Warlock rises from the couch*
Warlock: Damn….damn..damn damn. That movie was really fun and the gore was great as advertised but it was just too damn long. It just kept dragging and dragging. Good news is its still a fun movie and worth checking out. That about wraps up another adventure, have a pleasant evening.