*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a gray wifebeater, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a mug of Dr. Pepper*
Warlock: Welcome to my lair…welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.
*Warlock makes the lights dim before restoring them and walking inside*
Warlock: Tonight’s action packed adventure is The Killing Man.
*Mr America is in the recliner wearing green camo fatigues, vest and hat along with black combat boots and aviator shades*
America: What is that?
Warlock: A 1994 b movie where Michael Ironside turns a mob hitman into a contract killer.
America: Okay…wait what?
*Warlock sits in the middle of the couch*
Warlock: So let’s get started with The Killing Man.
*The Warlock reads the tag-line*
Warlock: “Harlin Garret loses his memory and finds himself closed in a facility claimed to belong to the state security services. The manager of this place tells Garrett he used to be a killer for the mob but Garrett refuses to believe. Then he is forced to kill people that are a “Risk to the state security”, but the whole story gets complicated when Garret falls in love with one of his victims.”
America: Ughh, too confusing.
*Movie begins with heartbeat and the voice of Mr. Green (Michael Ironside) over the credits. Harlin Garrett (Jeff Wincott) wakes up*
Warlock: I know that eye anywhere, that’s Jeff Wincott.
*Harlin wakes up with his whole body bandaged asking what he is*
Warlock: What is he?
America: I don’t know but he’s doing better than the guy in Metallica’s One video.
*Black doctor (Tyrone Benskin) “Somebody must be looking over this son of a bitch”
*Harlin has a flashback of his past of fighting and violence*
Warlock: Sounds like he lived the life.
*Black Doctor and White Doctor (Mark Duffus) take the bandage off Harlin’s face*
America: Oh my god! Its a person!
*Harlin springs to life and attacks White, a nurse (Neil Crone) runs in to help restrain Harlin as he is sedated*
America: That’s what you get for not sedating and restraining him originally.
*Continous flashbacks and explosions*
America: This guy really needs to get out of bed to progress the story.
Warlock: Well its an hour and 40 minutes, had to extend it somehow.
*Harlin asks to be released so he can eat. Nurse unstraps him*
America: Don’t do it!
*Harlin asks the nurse where he is and the nurse says he can’t say. He’s friendly enough but Harlin attacks him with a knife. He takes him hostage and questions him as Mr. Green looks on. Harlin lets him go and shouts “TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT…..TELL MEEEEE!!!*
Warlock: A caged animal.
*Green makes his appearance*
America: Take your time, we’re not in a hurry.
*Green is taken hostage but he non-chalantly tells Harlin that he’s a dead man and a nobody. Green says Harlin is an assassin and a murder. “Quite simply, a killing machine”
Warlock: The movie title.
America: A real humanitarian.
*Harlin collapses on the ground. Later he has a flashback of his past while smoking. He killed mobsters for mobsters. Green “You worked for scum and you killed scum”
Warlock: Oh well.
*A nurse (Rhonda Towells) disrobes completely naked in front of Harlin*
Warlock: Hello! This is no longer the worst movie of all time.
*Nurse and Harlin go at it*
America: I know he’s not dead but he’ll be stiff in a different way.
Warlock: This makes a great porno.
*Black Doctor “I believe he’ regained his sexual functions.” Green “Thank you for that information, doctor.”
*Harlin tries to get information out of her while he’s fucking her. Next frame Harlin stands and screams “WHERE AM I?!”
Warlock: He came quick.
*Green explains he’s in a government facility and he’s there as a guinea pig. If he survives the test, he’ll work for the FBI. Harlin says he hasn’t killed anyone. Green calls for Turner (David Campbell) and says to get rid of Harlin. Harlin fights back and beats up two security guards before Turner gets the upperhand and subdues him*
Warlock: Not much of a killing machine.
*Green shows pictures of all the men Harlin has killed. All bad guys. Harlin says he’s killed 15 men as he begins to remember. Next frame shows some Rastafari (Rupert Harvey) getting thrown into Harlin’s hall. Green explains he held up a store and shot both the owner and his wife in cold blood. Green says to kill him. Harlin says he won’t do it. Green tosses Rasta the gun and we get a one on one fight. Rasta gets the upperhand and says he’s liking this. Harlin fights back and snaps his neck*
Warlock: Harlin wins…..fatality!
*Green congratulates Harlin on winning the fight. He says he’s free but will go to New York as Danny Granger. He says he’s going to wipe out a few people for them. Harlin says he could run, Green says if Harlin crosses him then he’ll put a hit out on him to both the police and the mob. “If you fuck with me, I’ll turn that gift into a living nightmare you cannot surive”
Warlock: That’s actually a good written line.
*Slow motion walk by Harlin as his voice questions life. He walks into a shit apartment as Turner looks in on him*
Warlock: Why do I get the feeling those two are going to fight again?
*Harlin makes it to the roof*
Warlock: Jump! Jump!
America: HOW TO RUIN A MOVIE!
Warlock: Goodbye cruel world! He jumps. Movie’s over.
America and Warlock: THE END.
*Harlin hits up a titty bar where dancers (Patricia Vanessa Giorsetto, Claudine Hardy, Kim Holland and Susan Campbell) dance around*
Warlock: I’ll take the one on the left, you take the one on the right.
America: Works for me.
*Waitress takes Harlin’s order. He recognizes her from his past. He orders a beer. Then he attacks a man in a trench coat in an alley. Harlin kicks his ass then a bunch of other guys who just happen to walk by*
Warlock: He just beat the shit out of these guys for no reason.
America: He thinks they’re Green’s men.
*The waitress recognizes him and they talk in the bar. Meanwhile two gang bangers (Paul Stiles and Rogue Johnston) mug someone as Harlin slowly walks up to them.Harlin takes them both out with martial arts*
Warlock: Oh boy, a fighting movie.
*The guy they were mugging finishes off the gangsters himself*
Warlock: Haha that’s awesome.
*Harlin walks into his apartment where Green is waiting. Green says its time for his first assignment. Green wants to kill the waitress first and Harlin refuses. Green says he has to. Next frame Mike the bartender calls the waitress Jane (Calista Carradine). Harlin confronts her in the bathroom and tells her to run away and never come back. She cries and says she hates him*
Warlock: He let her live though.
America: Its early.
*Green’s voice goes on a rant about eliminating the dregs of society*
Warlock: I like what I see, trash taking care of itself.
*Harlin tells Green that Jane is gone. Green says to kill a political activist named Baker (Richard Fitzpatrick)*
Warlock: Our first hit contract.
*Harlin gets a package outside his door. Inside it is Jane’s head*
Warlock: Ohhhhhhh yeahhhhhhh.
*Baker is a gay rights activist and he tells a reporter (Sandi Stahlbrand) that gays will be equal*
Warlock: Only took 20 years.
*Harlin is the driver of Baker’s car. Baker conducts a meeting and wishes his guests goodbye until he’s all alone with Harlin. Next frame is Green hearing a news report that Baker was killed*
Warlock: We didn’t get to see it?
*Harlin calls Green and says he’s pissed for killing Baker because he wasn’t a drug dealer or a gang banger. Green says his next target is a private eye named Conners (Jeff Pustil) in Chicago. Harlin is on his way*
Warlock: Great, a private eye.
*Conners talks with Dr. Ann Kendall (Terri Hawkes) and they’re related to the Baker killing*
Warlock: This is all related somehow.
*Harlin stalks Conners*
Warlock: This taking a really long time!
*Harlin’s wife (Stephanie McKeown) is sleeping naked*
*Harlin goes to cover her up when Conners attacks. The wife pulls out a gun and shoots Conners by accident. He’s dead*
Warlock: Well that’s one way to get the job again.
*Harlin’s next target is Ann Kendall. Green says to head to Massachusettes and “be nice to her”. Green says Harlin is serving his country*
Warlock: More like a slave to it.
*Ann goes grocery shopping*
Warlock: This is an integral part of the movie.
America: Of course.
*Harlin “accidentally” bumps into her and they share bonding moments*
Warlock: The intentional accidental bump. She’s cute in a dorky kind of way.
*Harlin lifts her wallet*
Warlock: She’s not gonna notice that?
*Ann makes a phone call about Conners and says he’s just a friend. They’re working on something big. She drops her lasagne and the phone into it*
Warlock: Hahaha what a klutz.
*Some bald dude named Steve Rogers (Michael Copeman) tries to force himself on Ann but Harlin stops him. He intimidates Steve into leaving and hands Ann her wallet back. Ann says he was there to install an alarm system*
America: That is just awful security
*Harlin tries to earn Ann’s trust*
America: She’s still breathing so there’s a start.
*Ann speaks with her boss about the big picture. Its revealed that there’s a potential cure for AIDS and she’s close to it*
Warlock: Ahhhhh the plot revealed.
*Harlin drives Ann home in a taxi. They share more bonding moments but Steve is following him. Next frame Harlin arrives at the lab to speak with Ann. They talk outside. Meanwhile Steve does a background check on Harlin*
Warlock: Ruh roh.
*Ann and Harlin talk in a coffee shop and he bullshits her with his fake past. Ann calls him a knight that’s come to save her. He asks white or black. She’s not sure but she wants to find out*
Warlock: Black is better than white.
*Ann is alone and she’s crying. Harlin asks what’s up. Ann says her friend was killed. She says the two people she told about her research are dead and she doesn’t want to tell Harlin. He holds her close and they kiss*
America: He either kills her or sets him up against Green and his people. Judging by how this is going, it looks like he’s going up against Green.
Warlock: What the hell kind of movie would it be if he killed her?
America: A shorter one.
*They go at it*
Warlock: We got plenty of tits in this movie.
America: You’re complaining?
Warlock: HELL NO!
America: Good. Let me know when this is over
*After they finish, Harlin gets in his cab with Green in the back. Green asks what he knows and Harlin knows everything. Green says he wants her dead in 24 hours and he wants her research. Harlin says “This is the last one.” Green agrees and says he’ll give him a new life if he succeeds…or an instant death. Turner drives by and smiles*
Warlock: God damn.
*Steve continues to background check on Harlin. Ann talks with her boss Tom Hansen (David Bolt) about coming out with the research in public. Meanwhile Steve follows Ann outside and tries to tell her about Harlin but she doesn’t want to hear it. She gets in the cab and Harlin drives her home where they fuck again, only this time we don’t see it*
Warlock: Oh boy, we got spared the sex scene this time.
*Harlin wakes up and goes through her stuff to get her lab pass*
America: Oh we’re going to get the data.
*Rogers tells Sergeant Terry (Douglas O’Keeffe) that Harlin is a wanted man. Terry says to subdue him if he can but do it right. Steve says sure and walks out. Meanwhile Harlin walks into the lab and the security guy (Desmond Campbell) stops him. He says Ann gave him the pass and he lets him in*
Warlock: Haha what? That was easy.
America: LOUSY security.
*Guard calls Steve and says he’s in*
Warlock: Ohhhhh okay.
America: That’s better.
*Harlin walks into the lab and Ann is waiting for him already. Steve is on the way. Harlin tells her the plot, he’s there to kill her. He says he doesn’t want to kill her as Steve shows up with a gun. Harlin says he doesn’t want to hurt him. Steve knows he killed Baker and tells Ann to call the cops. Harlin disarms Steve and tells Ann to leave. Harlin kicks Steve down and when Steve pulls a gun, Harlin shoots him dead*
Warlock: So much for handsome Harold.
*Harlin asks Ann for the data. He walks outside and an Asian security guard is there. He pulls a gun and Harlin shoots him. Tom runs in and confronts Ann. Green and Turner stand in the doorway. Green reveals Tom is working for him. Green then shoots Tom right between the eyes*
Warlock: Nice shot.
*Ann runs and Turner shoots her down. Harlin shoots random goons and carries her to the roof*
America: You’re putting all the pressure on the wound dude, you’re making it worse.
*A cleaner (Vince Marino) spots the duo and runs into Turner who shoots him dead*
America: He didn’t run fast enough.
*Blonde dude (Bryan Okes) looks for Harlin. Harlin shoots him in the bathroom stall*
Warlock: That’s what he gets for being out of toilet paper.
*Harlin checks the wound, she’s hit in the gut*
Warlock: Oh it’ll hurt like hell but gut wounds take forever to kill someone, he’s got time.
*Harlin is wounded by random goons as he kills them*
Warlock: Wow, they tagged him.
America: He’s getting sloppy.
*Green and one of his guys go upstairs as one leaves behind to deal with Terry who just pulled up*
Warlock: Oh yeah, I forgot about him.
*Terry asks Green’s guy about Rogers and realizes he’s a crook. They shoot each other but Terry makes it to the phone. Green’s guy shows up and Green asks where Turner is. He says next floor up. The henchmen walks into a room where blonde guy is hanging, in the corner is the fallen Ann. Henchmen leaves*
America: That’s one way to get them not to go into a room.
*Green leads two henchmen over to a blood trail. Green taunts Harlin as he looks for him. They go into a room where they see a shadow behind an xray machine and open fire. Green inspects and it was the corpse of Steve. Harlin kills the two henchmen and takes Green hostage*
Warlock: Watch out for Turner.
*Harlin runs into Turner who pulls a gun on him. Green leaves Harlin with Turner and goes for Ann. Turner beats the crap out of Harlin and taunts him. Harlin fights back*
Warlock: Okay come on. He wouldn’t be able to stand if he got shot in the leg.
America: He got shot in the shoulder!
Warlock: I thought it was the leg.
*Harlin beats the shit out of Turner*
Warlock: Doesn’t matter where he got shot, they’re gonna ignore it anyway.
*Turner pulls a knife and Harlin guts him with it*
*Harlin walks out of an elevator with Ann in his arms and Green pulls a gun on him. He tells him to put her down*
Warlock: The big finale.
*Green says he’s gonna hate to do this and Harlin out of nowhere throws the knife 100 feet away and hits Green in the chest. Green slowly dies*
Warlock: Oh yeah, sure…he was 100 feet away.
*Harlin carries Ann out and on to a gurney. The cops pull Harlin off and wheel her away. Harlin is arrested as the credits roll*
America: That’s it????
Mr. America’s Assessment: I give it a 3.5.
The Warlock’s Assessment: That sounds good. One point for the nudity, one point for Ironside, one point for character development. Half a point for the end credits song.
Final Grade: 3.5 out of 10 – Really bad
*Warlock rises from the couch*
Warlock: That was another one of those movies that could have been good but it lacked too much to be worth anything. Michael Ironside can’t do it all himself. Well that about wraps up another craptastic adventure, have a pleasant evening.