*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a blue wifebeater, jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a wine glass of Dr. Pepper*
Warlock: Welcome to my lair…..welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.
*Warlock tilts his head and the ground shakes before he walks inside*
Warlock: Tonight we’re doing a rare treat. A b-movie from 1970 about hippies trying to blow up a bank in the name of freedom…mannnnn.
*Mr. America sets up the Kumite Sword on a shelf where the stack of NCIS Appreciation Month movies once stood. He then sits in the recliner wearing green camo fatigues, vest and hat along with black combat boots and aviator shades*
America: Why in the name of god are we watching a movie about hippies?
Warlock: It was Sylvester Stallone’s first real starring role.
America: Oh okay.
Warlock: So without further adieu let’s begin Rebel aka No Place To Hide.
*The Warlock reads the tag-line*
Warlock: “In New York in the late 60s, a politically motivated group of students plan bombings of company offices who do business with dictators in Middle Eastern countries”
America: Domestic terrorism…yayyyyy.
*Jerry Savage (Sylvester Stallone) feeds small horses as a graphic reads October 1969*
Warlock: Who’s that?
America: A young Stallone.
*Jerry joins a hippie truck going to New York*
Warlock: Hop right in.
*Random music video of Vietnam protest song*
Warlock: What’s what the random music video?
*Footage of actual Vietnam War footage*
Warlock: That’s actual footage.
*Some guys plays Taps on a trumpet*
Warlock: What do you think of the Taps?
*Jerry meets Laurie (Rebecca Grimes) who’s a jewelry maker. They talk back and forth*
Warlock: Love interest?
*Random guy drills in the street*
America: Oh yeah, you’re really showing that concrete.
*Belly dancing class*
Warlock: Well this movie just got better.
*2 hippies discuss “8 million sold”
Warlock: Smoking at the counter, 1969.
*Woman knocks on door*
America: Someone’s up to no good.
*Jerry meets his friend, Jerry knows of the plot going on*
Warlock: Stallone’s in on it?
America: Looks that way.
*Security guy is mad afro lady left the gate open*
Warlock: Damn kids aint got no respect.
*Marlena St James (Barbara Lee Govan) is on her way. Black dude yells at Jerry. Black dude is Ray Brown (Dennis Tate). Afro lady is Estelle Ferguson (Vickie Lancaster). They’re planning*
America: Are we gonna find out what the target is or are they just going to plan the whole time?
*Estelle smokes while listening to Crimson and Clover*
Warlock: Good song.
America: Yeah, I’m shocked.
*Estelle and Jerry banter back and forth, she doesn’t want to be alone. We cut here*
Warlock: No pointless sex scene.
America: Okay…that didn’t take long.
*Estelle and Jerry scout a large building*
Warlock: There’s your target.
*Laurie, Jerry and Estelle talk but the sound mic doesn’t pick it up*
Warlock: It would help if somebody turned the sound mic on.
*2 cops go over recent bombings*
Warlock: Its the fuzz.
*Marlena is the bomber, they have her under surveillance. She’s 22 years old. The black cop is James Henderson. James drops a hint that they have an undercover agent working with them*
Warlock: Uh oh, they got a rat.
*Ray, Estelle and Jerry banter with Mustache Dude. Meanwhile White cop says the rat has been working underground for 3 years now. James calls them “god damn hippies”. The CIA ordered a bombing so they can catch the bombers. White Cop is Chuck Bradley (Jed Mills). William Decker (Roy White) is calling the shots. James gives a speech to Chuck about locking up kooks*
Warlock: Damn kooks.
*Decker calls James about Operation 164. They go over parts of the plan*
America: is afoot!
*Estelle, Jerry, Mustache and Ray talk about the plan while being bugged. Jerry gives a speech to Mustache Dude who gives a speech of his own saying people have no place to hide*
Warlock: One of the titles of the movie.
*The quartet break into the bank. Jerry, Ray and Mustache Dude steal documents before the alarm is triggered. They run out the door. Mustache Dude is Tommy Trafler (Tony Page). Next frame Marlena and Tommy talk on a boat, she says she doesn’t trust anyone and Tommy says she’s as real as she comes*
Warlock: Oh she’s scared.
*Jerry and Laurie talk back and forth*
Warlock: Are we gonna get some plot or just bullshit?
America: They’re gonna bomb this corporation, that’s the plot.
*Tommy and Marlena ask if they’ll be successful. Tommy says he only works with people he can trust. Meanwhile Laurie and Jerry talk over a campfire*
America: She asked you a question.
Warlock: This is what he’s thinking about.
America: The hell is this?
Warlock: Police brutality.
*Marlena, Tommy, Jerry, Ray and Estelle make the bombs with Richard Nixon (himself) on the radio*
Warlock: That’s Nixon’s actual voice.
*The group talk outside Laurie’s house*
Warlock: Can we progress the story now?
*Jerry and Laurie kiss in a meadow*
Warlock: I thought he was with Estelle.
America: I think that was a one night stand.
Warlock: Uh huh…
*Jerry tells Laurie he can’t change who he is*
Warlock: Wonderful, can we blow something up now?
America: You’re losing your would be girlfriend.
*More stock footage of actual protests and draft card burnings*
Warlock: Enough with the stock footage.
*Richard Scott (David Orange) says to Decker to call him plain old Dick*
Warlock: Old Dick.
*Richard “There are too many stinkorooners going down*
Warlock: Hahahaha what?
*Dick says heads are gonna roll*
Warlock: Heads are gonna roll.
*Jerry wants Laurie to join but she refuses. He goes on a rant on how terrorism works*
Warlock: I can’t take him seriously until he takes that stupid poncho off.
*Jerry goes berserk saying “You lie, you cheat…”
Warlock: You steal!
*The group listens to Monie Monie as they argue. They go over the battle plan. They say to plant the bomb and meet the next day. Tommy and Marlena smoke and make small talk. Jerry walks up to Estelle’s apartment while she’s in her underwear*
Warlock: Well this just got interesting.
*Estelle wants Jerry to see something but we cut to James*
Warlock: Awww man.
*James “The hell with the CIA”
Warlock: Ooh Seagal’s not going to like that.
*Estelle dances for Jerry*
Warlock: Well this just got better. If nothing else it takes off the run time.
*Martin Luther King Jr (himself) gives his speech as Ray listens on it*
Warlock: MLK’s real voice.
*Jerry and Estelle are having pillow talk*
Warlock: Jerry gets around.
America: Yeah, he’s slept with two so far. I’d say he’s more juggling right now.
*Estelle talks about baby bottles*
Warlock: Can we progress the story now?
America: I’m pretty sure she just said she lost a baby so this is character development. She picked a fine time to drop this bombshell with the big day tomorrow.
*Marlena gives words of encouragement to Tommy before the mission. Meanwhile we get more real police brutality footage. Jerry and Estelle are woken up*
Warlock: Go back to bed will ya?
*The morning of the caper has Jerry and Ray meet up. Tommy walks in. Meanwhile Decker and Richard meet in the morning as well. They know what’s going on. Richard is with the press and Decker names everyone involved except Tommy*
Warlock: He didn’t mention Tommy….hmmm, I smell a rat!
*Tommy meets Decker and reveals Tommy was the rat. He gave Estelle a fake bomb and he hands Decker the real one. He gets new identity papers and cash as a reward*
Warlock: I told you it was him.
America: 3 minutes ago.
*Tommy plants the real bomb in someone’s car. Estelle plants the fake bomb but can’t get out of the room. Meanwhile Tommy packs up to leave. Jerry also packs up as well. Marlena walks in and spots the unmailed contracts. She realizes Tommy is the rat and she goes to warn Jerry*
Warlock: Why didn’t he kill her so she couldn’t warn the others?
*She tells Jerry to screw and to forget Estelle. The cops show up to the hideout. They raid the place, only Jerry’s hat remains*
Warlock: Alert FBI agents seized the hat and wrestled it to the ground.
*Estelle wonders why the bomb hasn’t gone off yet. She opens the package and realizes she’s been had. She tears at the papercups in anger and takes her shoes off*
America: If you mean to tell me this was a set up, you only have 4 agents to do this?
Warlock: Its almost as bad as the SWAT team in Endgame.
*Ray gets arrested as Estelle runs to the roof of the bank as FBI agents chase her. They corner her on the roof and she takes a swan dive*
*Jerry makes his getaway in a Volkswagen Beetle with the bomb in the back seat. He runs to Laurie’s house*
Warlock: Oh no…she’s gonna get in the car and she’s gonna get blown up, not him.
*Laurie and her band of hippies pull up as Jerry keeps screaming for her. She walks toward the car*
America: Don’t do it!
*Laurie spots the package in the backseat. She picks it up, puts it down and shuts the door…KABOOOM!!!!
Warlock: What did I tell ya?
*Jerry spots the damage and the hippies crying. He starts crying himself*
Warlock: Crime doesn’t pay buddy. Now both his girlfriends are dead.
*Jerry runs into the meadow*
Warlock: Early Rocky training.
America: Okay we get it, you can run through fields.
Warlock: THAT’S it?? We hope you’ve enjoyed no moral theater.
Mr. America’s Assessment: I give it a 3.5, Stallone saved it.
The Warlock’s Assessment: I give it a 4. Good story, just horribly executed with no real ending.
Final Grade: 3.5 – Really Bad
*Warlock rises from the couch*
Warlock: That was extremely disappointing. I can give it credit for being a b movie and coming out 46 years ago but it wasn’t shot very well, edited very well or ended very well. I can see the message it was trying to send but it was just executed badly. If the movie came out 7 years later, it may have been a hit but since Stallone wasn’t known yet, it was only a footnote to his career. That about wraps up another craptastic adventure, have a pleasant evening.