144. Bloodsport 4 (1999)

Bloodsport4-poster

*When we last left off, Mr. America and The Warlock were matched up in the finals of the Kumite. The Warlock and Mr. America stand on the platform as the fans cheer and the officials watch over. The referee says HAJIME and…..nothing. Warlock pulls out his DVD player*

Warlock: Hey before we fight, how about a movie?

America: Sounds good to me.

*America and Warlock sit in the middle of the platform as fans throw gambling slips and the referee looks toward the officials with confusion*

Warlock: I think you can guess what’s next.

America: Bloodsport 4?

Warlock: That’s the one.

America: I think we’ve seen this before.

Warlock: Yeah, and its time for one last go-around. Bloodsport 4.

 

*The Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “Agent John Keller goes undercover into the tough prison known as Fuego Penal to find out about the corpses of prisoners disappearing without a trace. There he gets involved in a dangerous tournament arranged by a man named Justin Caesar, where the prisoners are forced to fight to the death”

America: What? I just…I’ve given up on the movie already. I’m still bothered by the fact the same actor is playing a different actor.

 

*Opening credits*

Warlock: Oh god its the same song.

America: No, its slightly different.

 

*Movie begins with a Kimite in progress. Black shorts fight gray shorts. Black shorts is John Keller (Daniel Bernhardt)*

Warlock: Same guy, different role.

 

*Keller wins his fight as Caesar (Ivan Iranov) looks on. Keller refuses to kill his opponent and he bitches about the crowd chating “Kill Kill”. Keller goes on a rant saying the Kumite is dead and its just a bloodsport now*

Warlock: There’s the movie title. At least they admit they fucked it all up.

 

*Keller calls Blaire (Lisa Stothard) a pain in the ass. Schrek (Stefanos Miltsakakis) bumps into people while walking by. An unhappy bartender (Carla Rahal) is taken hostage by Schrek. Schrek kills a cop and his partner chases after him. Meanwhile Keller and Blaire get called to the scene. Keller investigates*

Warlock: Gene Simmons Investigation on the scene.

 

*Schrek taunts Keller. Keller says he should be on Death Row. Schrek stabs the woman in the neck and sends her over the balcony. Keller goes after him and they roll down the stairs together*

America: Wow. Did you hear that?

Warlock: No.

America: Right at the end of the stairs there’s a faint grunt.

Warlock: What?

America: I’m gonna kill you. That’s a pretty pointless sound effect.

Warlock: Oh you mean the oof at the end?

America: That’s like jumping out in front of someone to scare them. Then when you turn away THEN the guy screams “ahhhhhhhhhh!”

 

*Keller and Schrek fight, Keller goes to shoot him but stops. Back at the female cop, she bitches that Keller should have taken the shot*

Warlock: Oh great, now that’s gonna be on his conscience.

America: Is that her coffin?

Warlock: Yeah. she’s dead.

 

*Commander Anderson (Jeff Moldovan) is coming to see Keller. Blaire said the girl was dead anyway, Keller says bullshit*

Warlock: Doesn’t matter now.

 

*Blaire and Keller visit Schrek. Keller says he wants 5 minutes with Schrek*

America: So this is Bloodsport 4?

Warlock: Yeah.

 

*Keller beats the crap out of Schrek. Schrek no sells everything. Keller wants to know how he escaped Fuego Penal. Schreck stonefaces him. Anderson gives him a tongue lashing and says he can get Schrek another way. He’s got a special mission for Keller. Anderson says Schrek was supposed to be executed a month ago but escaped. Blaire says bodies are disappearing from prisons in the state. Anderson wants him to go undercover*

Warlock: Finally a plot.

 

*Blaire says if Keller goes to prison, he won’t be coming out. Keller disagrees*

Warlock: He poo-poo’d that statement.

 

*Keller visits Schrek and shoots two officers. He gets sentenced to life in prison by the Judge (Nikolai Binev)*

Warlock: Should have executed him.

America: There would be no movie.

 

*Caesar calls Warden Preston (Derek McGrath) that he wants Keller in his Kumite. Keller is brought to prison where Schrek taunts him*

America: Oh god he’s GOT A PEN!!! I hope he doesn’t write me an angry letter!

 

*Files (Dennis LaVelle) says their prostates are his. Preston takes the pen from Schrek says there are no rules in his prison. Billings (David Rowe) laughs at him. So does Winston (Michael Krawic). Winston says Billings was put there by Keller. Billings is happy*

Warlock: Revengeeeeee.

 

*Winston introduces himself to Keller at launch, Keller tells him to shut up. Doctor Rosenbloom (Elvis Restaino) introduces himself. Winston says two guys are going to try to kill him. Alex fights off his attackers. Warden then explains how Schrek escaped to Caesar. He says it won’t happen again*

Warlock: This is so boring.

 

*Warden breathes on the camera*

Warlock: What the hell was with that?

 

*Warden wants Files to bring in Keller. They bullshit back and forth.Files threatens the prisoners as Rosenbloom shouts that they’re all penguins and Files whacks at him with a nightstick*

Warlock: Bahahahahaha

 

*Keller is visited by Blaire in disguise. He tells her the Warden runs a cockfight.Blaire says they have a mole in there working for the government. Keller says he’ll keep an eye out for him. Blaire makes a joke and leaves*

Warlock: Can we progress the story now?

 

*Keller is ready to fight. Billings says he’s his cornerman. Billings says nobody is going to kill him but himself. Ivan (Sasho Ivanov) is Keller’s opponent. Schrek is the cornerman. Keller wins the fight*

Warlock: There’s that jumpkick again.

 

*Some guy in the crowd shouts “Get off the rope you idiot!”

Warlock: Hahahaha

 

*Keller refuses to kill Ivan. The Warden goes completely berserk and has to be restrained by Files*

Warlock: Hahaha what the fuck??

 

*Schrek kills Ivan himself. Warden calls Caesar and Caesar tells him to keep Keller in line. Anderson tells Blaire the mole has been found out. Blaire wants to shut the mission down but Anderson says no*

Warlock: COMPROMISED! SUSPECT DOWN!

America: No one’s gonna know what you’re talking about.

 

*Rosenbloom tells Winston that Keller is pretty fucked up*

Warloc: Hahahhaa.

 

*Winston tells Rosenbloom to beat it then reveals himself to be the inside guy. He says he’s been nailed but Keller is the last line of defense. He says he’s got 2 days and to be convincing*

Warlock: Can we get some more fighting please?

 

*Keller has a dream Blaire is with him. Then he figures out its Regina (Christine Marais). She removes her jacket to expose her underwear*

Warlock: Well this just got better.

 

*She rides him and moans*

Warlock: She still has her clothes on. He’s not doing shit!

 

*Keller tells Regina the “story” of how he killed the cops. Meanwhile Caesar says to kill the agent, the Kumite begins in 7 days*

Warlock: I don’t want to wait 7 days.

 

*Winston and Rosenbloom have Files hooked on coke to do what he wants to a certain point. Meanwhile Keller runs into Schrek*

America: Are we snooping?

 

*A knifefight between Schrek and Keller is about to go down but Billings saves the day and Schrek is detained. Meanwhile Blaire tries to figure out what the scam is. Anderson says to report on his desk in the morning. Meanwhile Keller spars with Winston as Billings gets in the ring. Billings wants a crack at Keller. Keller drops Billings and Rosenbloom starts a makeshift count*

Warlock: Haahahhaa

 

*Keller fights Billings*

Warlock: Aren’t they a little early for this shit?

America: Don’t know, don’t care.

 

*Keller wipes out Rosenbloom but he and Billings spin kick each other. Keller puts Billings in a sleeperhold and tells Winston how to snap his neck. He lets Billings live and Billings says “Next time, you die.” Files walks in and drags Billings away*

Warlock: Something stinks.

 

*Rosenbloom tells Keller that Warden’s men are coming for him. Schrek first. Warden and Files attack Keller and drag him away. Keller tries to escape but he’s subdued with chloroform*

Warlock: Night night.

 

*Warden leads Keller to his execution. He gets needles stuck in his arm and screams*

Warlock: Nice fillings.

 

*Blaire gets the word from Anderson that Keller has been executed. Blaire doesn’t believe it and storms off. Anderson tells her to stay off the case and Blaire ignores him.Anderson puts her on indefinitely leave and she says “Screw you”

Warlock: Can we get some fights now?

 

*Blaire undercover visits Rosenbloom. He takes his glasses off and freaks her out. But he gives her one of his flowers as a sign that he’s still alive. Meanwhile Alex wakes up in a snowy transport*

America: What the hell?

 

*The fighters all wake up as Warden and Files look them over. Winston and Keller talk with each other and we cut here. Blaire smokes and drinks while crying over Keller until some of the spilt wine on the flower reveals a hidden message*

Warlcok: Way to go Rosenbloom.

 

*Keller is brought before Regina and Caesar. Caesar says he’s hosting a Kumite. Keller says the real Kumite has been fought for thousands of years. Caesar says this one is to the death. Caesar says if Keller wins, he gets a million dollars and a plane out of there. Meanwhile Blaire declares her love for Keller and she spills wine on the flower. The hidden message says Heaven’s Hill*

Warlock: Its a clue!

 

*Pre-fight entertainment goes down with really bad performance art*

Warlock: What the hell is this shit?

America: Ughhhh. I dunno but if Caesar said to kill these two, I’d be for it.

Warlock: What the fuck does this have to do with Bloodsport? This scene is completely useless.

 

*Winston and Keller are in wooden cages. Regina welcomes everyone to the Kumite. Caesar gives an epic speech.”Let’s the games begin!” The known fighters are Winston, Billings, Schrek and Keller.  Schrek fights Tooley (Valentine Detrov) first. Billings taunts Keller but Keller says not to get his hopes up*

Warlock: So we finally get the Kumite 67 minutes into the movie.

 

*Schrek snaps Tooley’s neck to win the fight. Warden giggles in amusement*

Warlock: Can someone kill him please?

America: I’m sure its coming.

 

*Schrek slides his bloody finger into a girl’s mouth*

Warlock: Great way to spread Aids.

 

*Billings is next against Wess (Vesselin Shoumantov). Billings snaps his neck*

America: Like you said, its over by the time its spelt.

 

*Blaire travels by cable car to Heaven’s Hill*

Warlock: By herself with no backup?

 

*Caesar introduces John “The Cop Killer” Keller. He defeats his unnamed opponent after getting punched in the gonads*

Warlock: Ohhh hooooooowwwwwwwwwww.

 

*Keller spinkicks the dude as everyone laughs and cheers. Keller is mad at himself. Winston is shocked*

Warlock: So is he a heel now?

 

*Winston shakes Keller’s hand as Blaire makes her way to Heaven’s Hill. Warden shoots Winston’s opponent dead with no fight and says its time for the semi-finals. Schrek and Billings. Billings wants Keller but Warden screams at him*

Warlock: Well so much for Billings.

 

*Billings and Schrek fight. Billings gets the upperhand but taunts Keller, allowing Schrek to gain the advantage. Schrek snaps Billings’ arm and throws him into a pillar. Billings looks at Keller and says his name before Schrek snaps his neck. Caesar “This one is for you. You won’t be disappointed.”

Warlock: Oh great.

 

*Keller is up next against Winston. Caesar says its his gift to Keller*

Warlock: He still thinks Keller is a cop killer.

 

*Files taunts them to get out of their cages. Keller steps out and Winston does as well. Winston says “You know what you have to do. Just make it quick.” Keller refuses to fight but Winston takes a cheap shot. Keller backs him off. Winston “You fight me goddammit!” Winston gets some shots in and Keller drops him. Keller turns to Caesar and says he will not kill him. Regina asks why he won’t kill him. Caesar says Keller is an undercover agent. Caesar says Keller is dead no matter what now. Caesar takes Files’ gun and shoots Winston. Caesar hands the guns to Files. Files introduces the main event, Keller and Schrek. Schrek and Killer go nose to nose and Schrek says time to dance*

Warlock: Voodoo boogaloo?

America: What?

Warlock: 9 minutes left, thank god.

 

*Keller fights and kills Schrek by stabbing him in the head with his pen and spinkicking it in*

Warlock: Goodbye Schrek.

 

*Files sticks a gun in Keller’s face. All of a sudden Blaire shows up and shoots Files dead. Keller grabs the gun and kills Warden*

Warlock: About fuckin time.

 

*Blaire and Keller take out the guards but Regina is killed in the shootout(

Warlock: I don’t think she’s gonna make it.

 

*Caesar holds Blaire hostage with a gun in her head. Blaire tells Keller to take the shot. Caesar goes to taunt him but Keller quickdraws him dead with a bullet right between the eyes*

Warlock: Nice shooting reverend.

 

*Keller kisses Blaire as Winston runs up with an Ak-47 and shoots at air*

Warlock: Hahaha.

 

*Blaire and Keller help Winston out. Winston “I ain’t gonna die, I gotta come back and kick your ass for punching me in the gut!” End credits*

America: That was even worse than Bloodsport 3.

Warlock: Its an updated song.

America: I don’t care, they’re still screaming like idiots.

 

Mr. America’s Assessment: 2.5 out of 10

Warlock’s Assessment: 2.5 out of 10. It was incredibly worse than Bloodsport 3. This is an embarrassment to martial arts movies.

Final Grade: 2.5 out of 10 – Complete crap

 

*Warlock and America stand up. Warlock shuts the DVD player*

Warlock: That was complete garbage.

America: You said it, my eyes are burning from that atrocity.

Warlock: It missed the whole purpose of the original movie. The Kumite is about honor, not cage fighting in front of morons and druglords.

America: Ok then…time to fight.

*Warlock and America get in fighting stances before they look around*

Warlock: Um…

America: Where did everyone go?

*The stands are empty. The referee is gone and so are the officials. Its just Warlock and America alone*

Warlock: What the hell?

America: I guess everyone saw how bad the movie was and split.

Warlock: I guess so….hey look.

*Warlock and America go up to the Officials booth and notice the Kumite Sword sitting there*

Warlock: This would make a great addition to the lair, don’t you think?

America: That’s actually a good idea. Since either of us would have won it anyway, may as well take it home.

Warlock: We don’t have to give it back for another 5 years anyway.

*America packs up the sword, Warlock turns to the camera*

Warlock: Have a pleasant evening.

 

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