143. Bloodsport 3 (1996)

bloodsport1_1

*When we last left off, The Warlock and Mr. America made it to the semi-finals of the Kumite. They’re in their hotel room preparing. Warlock shadow boxes in the mirror while Mr. America does push-ups*

Warlock: Almost time for the moment of truth.

America: Yeah, I finally take you out once and for all.

Warlock: I highly doubt that.

America: Its gonna happen.

Warlock: The only thing that’s going to happen is our pre-Kumite movie.

America: What is it?

Warlock: Bloodsport 3

*Warlock pulls out his DVD player*

America: They made a third one? This must be complete trash.

Warlock: Yup, the same year as the second. With even less fighters, less big names and less acting.

America: Oh great, sounds awful.

Warlock: Only one way to find out, let’s begin.

 

*The Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “This time Alex Cardo must battle in a fight to end all fights – The Kumite, the most vicious warrior alive – Beast”

America: There will be more fights than that.

 

*We get a highlight of Alex (Daniel Bernhardt) defeating Demon in the previous movie over the opening credits*

America: Great, just in case we haven’t seen it.

Warlock: Great, we never had to watch the second movie. Could have just thrown this on.

 

*Alex wakes up from a nightmare of him fighting Demon*

Warlock: How is that a nightmare? He won.

 

*Jason (David Schatz) is Alex’s son. He can’t sleep and shows his dad a letter saying he got suspended for beating up 3 kids older than him. Alex scolds him for using aggression instead of self defense*

Warlock: Oh yeah, this movie was set 10 years after the previous movie….yet released the same year.

America: My head hurts.

 

*Jason says the Kumite is the Superbowl of Martial Arts. Alex says he’s the current champion. After beating Demon he became a gambler. Redhead girl hits on him*

America: Apparently he lost the chick from the previous movie.

 

*Ninjas take hostages, Alex fights them off one by one*

Warlock: Once again, just gang rush him, movie’s over.

America: The Walker Texas Ranger school of bad guys.

Warlock: Why does he keep shouting like an idiot?

 

*Franco (Rajiv Chandraasekhar) says the item stolen in the safe is important to Jacques Duvalier (John Rhys-Davies). If he doesn’t get the item back, he’ll be killed*

Warlock: He seems pretty calm for someone who just got threatened with death.

 

*Alex gets a note on the door saying to show up to a warehouse*

Warlock: Yeah this isn’t a trap or anything.

America: That’s why he said this was too good to be true.

 

*The ninjas count up the diamonds and money where a tire is kicked in. Alex infiltates and beats the holy hell out of all the ninjas*

Warlock: By himself of course.

 

*Alex gives the diamonds to Franco’s cousin. He spots red head at the bar as cousin calls Jacques. She sings with the lounge band*

America: Oh joy, a sappy love song.

 

*Jacques requests Alex’s presence for dinner that night*

Warlock: Holy shit, she can’t sing.

 

*Alex’s shop is hit up for extortion money. Yoong (Steven Ito) is the leader and Alex threatens him. Alex beats the shit out of everyone*

Warlock: Ito’s in like every movie.

 

*Alex walks up to readhead girl. Its Jacques’ daughter Crystal (Amber Kelleher-Andrews). Jacques and Alex discuss paintings then say he’s hosting a Kumite and wants Alex in it*

Warlock: So the original Kumite was about honor, this shit is bloodbaths.

 

*Moonlight Sonata plays as Crystal and Alex talk. She asks if she’ll fight in the Kumite, he says no. They continue to talk*

Warlock: I didn’t notice shit.

 

*Jacques introduces Beast (Nichiolas R Oleson). He wipes out a bunch of karate fighters with pure power moves*

Warlock: Great, a jacked up bodybuilder.

 

*Alex refuses to fight in the Kumite and politely declines Jacques’ offer*

Warlock: Alright the movie’s over, he won’t fight.

America: Oh he’ll find a way.

 

*Jacques says they need to make him understand. Back in present time, Alex says that Jacques went after Master Sun (James Hong). He tells Jason basically the plot of the previous movie*

Warlock: We really didn’t have to watch Bloodsport 2 at all.

 

*Back in the past, Master Sun’s phone is rigged to two badly hidden sticks of dynamite*

America: Those aren’t hidden very well.

 

*Alex goes to visit Sun and the hotel concierge says Sun had visitors earlier. Alex runs for it. Sun answers the phone and is blown to smithereens*

Warlock: Wow, he was in the movie for about 10 seconds.

America: I bet he’s glad that’s all he was in the movie for. “Oh thank god I’m done with this project” I’m pretty sure he’d be completely dismembered.

 

*Sun is hauled off in an ambulance. Alex confronts Crystal. Alex says he’ll avenge Sun’s murder. Alex beats up his students out of anger for Sun’s death*

Warlock: Getting his aggression out.

America: By shallowly kicking everyone’s ass?

 

*Flashback of Sun healing Alex with Iron Hand*

Warlock: Oh great, magic again.

 

*Shopkeeper says David Leung (Pat Morita) can help Alex. He meets with David*

America: Mr. Miyagi again.

 

*Alex wants answers. Jacques had Sun murdered to get Alex to fight in the Kumite. Judge Macardo (Master Hee Il Cho) is his Hong Kong connection*

Warlock: Him again?

 

*Present time, Jason trains as Alex continues the story*

America: Why doesn’t he just attack Beast now?

Warlock: There would be no movie. If he ran up and stabbed Beast with a sword while he’s on the toilet, he’d go to Jacques and be like “There’s no Kumite now, baaaaahaha”

America: He’d be doing us a favor.

 

*Alex rides around Hong Kong*

America: So are we to assume Jason’s the second movie girl’s kid or Crystal?

Warlock: They better explain it.

 

*Various snakes hiss at Alex*

Warlock: John Rhys-Davies is no stranger to snakes.

America: Asps….very dangerous.

Warlock and America: You go first.

 

*Judge Macardo makes his appearance*

Warlock: He was the Host/Judge of the Kumite from the second movie.

 

*Alex bows to Macardo’s niece Shari (Uni Park)*

Warlock: Is that the baby momma?

America: Of the kid?

Warlock: Could be.

America: Yeah, could be. Actually you may be right for once.

 

*Alex says he’s there to train to avenge Sun’s murder*

America: Alright, that’s it, we need Maury to figure this out.

 

*Macardo reveals Sun was his brother. A snake creeps up on Macardo as he gives Alex a pep talk*

Warlock: Jesus H Christ, can we get to the fighting please?

America: Nope, we need training first.

Warlock: He already won the Kumite once.

 

*Macardo “Listen to your inner voice”

America: If I listened to my inner voice I’d be going out for bacon now.

 

*Montage of Alex training*

Warlock: Wake me up when its over.

America: Are we gonna stop an arrow now?

 

*Macardo wants Alex to catch an arrow mid flight*

Warlock: We need Hawkeye for this.

 

*Alex drinks from a cup and doesn’t like it*

Warlock: Stop pissing in my drink.

 

*Jacques can’t find Alex and wants him dead. Back at present day, Alex tells Jason Jacques bet everything on Beast. Alex says he had to fight at the Kumite to honor the memory of Sun*

Warlock: Can we get to the fighting please? We’re 40 minutes into this.

 

*Alex is pulled apart by Macardo*

Warlock: Now they’re ripping off the first movie.

America: We also have a lot of unnecessary moaning and grunting.

Warlock: At least Jean Claude Van Damme sounded distressed, Alex sounds like he’s taking a dump.

 

*Macardo continues to shoot arrows at Alex*

Warlock: He takes one in the hand and screams.

 

*Alex catches an arrow*

America: I gotta see something. Nope, false alarm. I thought we had bad editing. I was mistaken.

Warlock: YOU’RE AN IDIOT!

America: What?

 

*Shari tends to Alex*

America: Alright, are you two gonna get it on? We know its coming.

Warlock: This guy gets around.

 

*Shari removes her clothes and Alex covers himself then her up*

America: Wow, he turned it down.

Warlock: Real American hero.

America: How often do you see THAT in a movie?

Warlock: You can cross her off the “who’s the mother” list.

 

*Hecklers attack Alex and he wipes them out one by one*

Warlock: Was that Beast?

America: Hell no.

Warlock: So Shari is not the baby momma?

America: Nope.

Warlock: Bloodsport 3: The Maury Show continues next.

America: HA!

 

*Macardo puts a cobra snake in front of Alex. He asks if they are poisonous, Macardo says of course*

Warlock: Jake The Snake Roberts would approve.

 

*Alex makes waving motions in front of the snake*

Warlock: What is he doing?

America: The snake is probably asking the same thing.

Warlock: Ekansssssssss

 

*Montage of Alex training*

Warlock: Wonderful, can we start the Kumite now?

America: Didn’t the hit squad find him?

Warlock: I think those were just local idiots.

America: Oh okay, that makes sense.

 

*Alex catches the arrow blindfolded*

Warlock: Uh huh…

 

*Jacques and Beast walk together, Jacques says he’s counting on Beast to win. He bribes the judges*

Warlock: Wonderful, rigging the whole thing.

 

*Jacques tells Crystal he hopes she’s not involved with Alex. He proclaims Beast the victor*

Warlock: If its a foregone conclusion, why host anything?

 

*Alex says goodbye to Shari by kissing her forehead. He walks away and rides an elephant out of town*

Warlock: He’ll be at the Kumite next month at this rate.

 

*Alex’s room is totally trashed. He finds a broken picture of Sun. Meanwhile Jacques says the Kumite is tomorrow and he doesn’t want Alex entering. Beast wants to fight him but Jacques ignores him*

Warlock: This movie is pissing on not only the first but the second movie if you can believe it. At least the second was low budget but still was based on the honor of the Kumite. This is pure horseshit.

 

*Alex fights Yoong in a whore house and beats the shit out of him. He says this is for Sun*

Warlock: That takes care of Yoong.

 

*Kumite begins*

Warlock: About fucking time, 54 minutes into it.

 

*Beast takes on Camacho Supe in the opening match. Beast powerslams him, picks him up and clotheslines him. Beast wins*

Warlock: A pro wrestler, wonderful.

America: In real life?

Warlock: No.

 

*Camacho is carried out of the arena and the next fight is Kimo Lima Lama (Sidney S Liufau) and Soon Han. Lima Lama kicks the shit out of him. Lima Lama wins*

Warlock: Beast and Lima Lama advance.

 

*Alex makes it to the Kumite in disguise. Max Omega (Chad Stahelski) against Sarath.  Omega wins the fight*

Warlock: Kind of looks like Tommy from Power Rangers.

 

*Alex shows up and removes his hood, Jacques is pissed. The announcer announces Alex is here*

Warlock: There goes his cover.

 

*Pauli takes on JJ Tucker (JJ Perry). JJ says its “Showtime boys” JJ beats his opponent in 10 seconds*

Warlock: That was quick.

America: At least they’re moving this along.

Warlock: About fucking time.

 

*Alex fights Chai. Jacques doesn’t want him to fight but the crowd chants for him. Everybody bets on Alex*

Warlock: I got dibbs on Alex.

America: Of course you do.

 

*Alex defeats Chai*

Warlock: I win!

 

*Stellio takes on Sparx (Brad Martin). Stellio wins with a sleeperhold and shouts that Alex is next*

Warlock: Roddy Piper would approve.

 

*Alex fights JJ Tucker in the second round. JJ “I’m gonna jack you up punk.” Alex “We’ll see”

Warlock: If we cared about the other fighters, the trash talk would mean more.

America: You’re asking an awful lot.

Warlock: Rather than 54 minutes of ridiculous training montages, they could have just had Sun blown to smithereens in the first 10 minutes and set the rest of the movie at the Kumite with the fighters getting character development.

America: You can write Bloodsport 4 then.

Warlock: Somebody beat me to it.

 

*Alex kicks the shit out of JJ and defeats him*

Warlock: That was easy.

 

*Stellio nods at Alex in approval*

Warlock: Haha.

 

*We cut to present time of Jason chopping wood*

Warlock: Come on…..they broke for THIS?

America: This is an integral part of the movie.

Warlock: About as integral as Alex taking a piss before his fight.

 

*Alex says he destroyed his opponents one after another and he wasn’t scared. Alex makes fire appear using Iron Hand*

Warlock: That’s one way to skip through the Kumite. Also wonderful on the fire, can we get to the fighting please?

 

*Max Omega fights Chun Lin as a fight breaks out in the stands. Max clotheslines his distracted opponent and wins*

Warlock: Hahahaha

 

*Stellio (Erik Paulson) fights Alex. Stellio says Alex is dead. Alex has a struggle but defeats Stellio with a sleeperhold*

Warlock: Jacques must be shitting his pants right now.

 

*Next up is Bruce Burly (Scott McElroy) against Ayindi (Jahi JJ Zuri). Burly says when he wins, he’s gonna lay out Alex*

Warlock: Confident bastard isn’t he?

America: I love how everyone is after Alex.

Warlock: He was the current champion if the storyline is correct.

 

*Burly gets a bullwhip from his trainer*

America: Apparently weapons are legal now.

Warlock: Well this isn’t a real Kumite, so anything goes.

America: Didn’t Jacques buy off the judges too?

Warlock: Yeah.

 

*Ayindi defeats Burly*

Warlock: So much for heel heat.

 

*Alex fights Max Omega. Omega “This time, its my turn.”

Warlock: Oh yeah, Alex wiped him out in Bloodsport 2.

 

*Alex defeats Max Omega again*

Warlock: He’s 0 for 2.

 

*Lima Lama takes on Beast*

America: Welp, he’s dead.

 

*Lima Lama laughs at Beast and is clotheslined for his trouble. Lima Lima lands some blows*

Warlock: Beast is too slow, Alex should have no problem with him.

 

*Lima Lama taunts Beast but Beast gets the upper hand. Beast snaps his arm and delivers a curb stomp before breaking his neck*

Warlock: Good call.

 

*Ayindi fights Alex in the semi-finals. Alex defeats him*

Warlock: Down to Alex and Beast.

 

*The finals pit Beast against Alex*

Warlock: Logically he should have no problem, Beast is too slow.

 

*Beast misses big punches left and right*

Warlock: Worst final boss ever.

America: When are we going to see the training montage so he can make the miraculous comeback?

Warlock: Only ten minutes left, we don’t have time.

America: Sure we do.

 

*Beast drops an elbow as Jacques screams “Yes!” Beast hits a big clothesline*

Warlock: Now would be a good time for the comeback.

 

*Beast hits a suplex. Alex begins the comeback but Beast gets the upperhand. Alex is going down but has a brief montage of training*

America: Told you.

Warlock: Haha good call.

 

*Alex pops up like Popeye and now he can’t miss. Alex knocks Beast out with a spinkick to win the Kumite*

Warlock: Worst final boss ever, the guy was basically Jackson from the first movie just in shape. Much too slow.

 

*Alex celebrates as Jacques is miffed. Back in present time, Jason asks if he killed Jacques. Alex asks what Jason would do. Jason he’d walk away, killing Jacques wouldn’t bring Sun back. Alex says that’s exactly what happened. The movie ends with the awful Bloodsport song from the second movie*

America: I never thought….

Warlock: Oh god not this again.

 

Mr. America’s Assessment: I’ll give it a 3.5 out of 10

The Warlock’as Assessment: I’ll give it a 3. It shat on the basic premise of the Kumite which was about honor. I know it was a low budget b-movie but the characters were horribly developed. The sequels are getting worse

Final Grade: 3 out of 10 – This really sucks.

 

*Warlock shuts off his dvd player and swaps out one dvd with another*

America:  That was garbage.

Warlock: You aren’t kidding.

America: I want to know who wrote and directed that so I can kick them in the head.

Warlock: I was 10 years old then and I could have written a better script.

America: Now its time to lose.

Warlock: Noooo, you’re goingh down.

America: Let’s see.

 

*The duo makes it to the umite for the semi-finals. They both win to set up a Warlock vs Mr. America showdown in the finals*

Warlock: YOU ARE NEX.

America: YOU AND ME, SOON, ONLY ME!

 

*TO BE CONCLUDED*

 

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