*When we last left off, The Warlock and Mr. America survived Day 1 of the Kumite. They are in their hotel room preparing for the second day. The Warlock is doing pushups as Mr. America shadow boxes in the mirrror*
America: You’re going down today Warlock.
Warlock: In your dreams.
America: Oh no no no, in reality.
Warlock: We’ll see.
America: We got 2 hours before the Kumite Express leaves, what do we do now?
Warlock: I prepared for that.
*Warlock pulls out his DVD player*
America: That thing again? What are we watching?
Warlock: Bloodsport 2.
America: They made a sequel to that?
*Warlock holds up 3 fingers*
America: 3 sequels??
Warlock: Yeah, so let’s see how Bloodsport 2 looks.
*The Warlock reads the tag-line*
Warlock: “After thief Alex Cardo gets caught while stealing an ancient katana in East Asia, he soon finds himself imprisoned and must earn the trust of an old prisoner to gain entrance to the Kumite”
*Movie opens with Master Sun (James Hong) telling a story to his karate school*
Warlock: Oh great, another flashback movie.
*Alex Cardo (Daniel Bernhardt) needs 10 minutes. He sniffs a rose*
*David Leung (Pat Morita) introduces himself to Alex who bullshits him. He opens a cigarette case with a map inside. Alex introduces himself to Janine (Lori Lynn Dickerson)
America: So is this our thief who gets caught?
*Alex finds the real sword*
America: That’s hardly a vault.
*Guards attack Alex who fights them off and walks back to the party. He invites Janine to lunch tomorrow and Alex leaves with the sword*
Warlock: Well that was too easy.
*Alex says to John (Philip Tan) not to worry about Leung. He says after they sell the sword, John should take a vacation. Meanwhile Janine walks into the hotel lobby. Alex is attacked by thugs and Alex fights them off, taking Janine with him. The cops show up and Alex tells Janine to hide in the restroom. He knocks out John for good measure and runs for it.He throws the sword in a getaway car but they leave him behind to be arrested*
*In present time, Sun admits he met Alex in prison. His prison gear is pink instead of orange. We’re introduced to Demon (Ong Soo Han), the toughest guard in the prison who beats up Alex for fighting off some prisoners*
America: So when does this get interesting?
*Sun warns Alex about the guards. Next frame is Alex getting attacked by a bunch of prisoners and wiping them all out. Alex says Chien (Chuay) is not happy. Alex wipes out Chien’s bodyguards but Chien gets the upperhand and beats Alex to a pulp much to Demon’s delight. Sun then wipes out the bodyguards and tells Chien to ease up on Alex*
Warlock: Saved by the old guy.
*Sun gives Alex a pep talk about spirit being unbreakable. Sun sticks his hand above water and makes the water move on its own*
Warlock: Oh bullshit!
America: So….he can magically make water ripple? Here I thought a T-Rex was coming by.
*Sun says Chien is the yard boss and Demon enforces his will through him. Alex wants to learn about the Iron Hand style and we get a montage with a grunge/synth soundtrack*
Warlock: Nice soundtrack.
*Alex blows out a candle and Sun slaps him*
*Alex trains with Sun. Sun reveals he was imprisoned 15 years earlier for killing a senator’s son for raping a girl*
Warlock: Wonderful, Fortunate Son.
*Sun says 25 years earlier he competed in the Kumite. Alex asks if he won, Sun doesn’t answer. Sun wants him to become spiritual and fight in this thing to get the sword the honorable way*
Warlock: Enough with the sword stealing storyline.
*The guards pull guns on Alex while training, he’s brought before Demon. Chien ambushes him but Alex smokes him one on one. Alex uses the Iron Hand to ward off Chien and Demon snaps Chien’s neck*
*Alex is thrown into solitary confinement and in present time a girl (Alessandra Rizzotti) is mad they did it to Alex. Sun continues the story as Alex’s toughest challenge yet. He continues to talk to the class*
America: So he was serving life, now he’s out.
Warlock: Yeah, they’ll explain it.
*Alex sits in confinement until Sun has him bailed out. He holds his ribs as Sun tends to him*
America: How long was he in there?
Warlock: Its implied it was weeks but it looks like hours.
*Alex wants to fight in the Kumite. Another montage of him training*
Warlock: Oh boy, another montage.
America: They really like montages.
*Alex blows a candle out with his fist*
*Demon wants to see Alex*
Warlock: Hey, remember the last time.
*Demon is leaving and he looks at Alex as he leaves. Alex goes back to Sun and Alex is free. He doesn’t want to leave Sun in there but Sun says Alex must go. Sun says the Kumite is soon and Demon isn’t worthy, Alex is. He must find a way to get into it. He promises to maintain honor for Sun*
Warlock: Fight time?
*Alex is driven by car to Leung’s house. Somebody plays Moonlight Sonata on the piano as Leung drinks to freedom. Leung tells Alex the sword he stole was for the Kumite and he’s free as long as he can get the sword back*
Warlock: There’s the mission.
*Alex wants to sign up for the Kumite but he has no invitation, he can’t compete. Ray Jackson (Donald Gibb) is coaching some American fighter who shows off but Jackson says he can’t go. Jackson intimidates the guy and says bring the invitation. Alex introduces himself to Jackson. Jackson says the guy can keep his invitation if he can beat Alex, Alex beats him in 5 seconds*
Warlock: Simple enough.
America: This guy sucks.
*Jackson has Alex signed in. Jackson stops to check out Kim Campbell (Lisa McCullough), the first female Kumite fighter. Jackson introduces himself to Kim and she intimidates him*
Warlock: Rhonda Rousey 20 years ago.
*Leung and Alex talk about the sword. Alex says Leung should buy it back but not with his own money. At the Kumite, the host begins the events. Demon is in the first fight and he gets beat up but then wins the fight with a huge comeback. Alex stares at him*
*Next fight is Alex and he wipes out his opponent rather quickly*
Warlock: Yeah, never saw THAT coming.
*Next fight is two dark horses fighting. Catman wipes out his opponent. Another fight has a dude in black defeating his opponent with a pedigree*
Warlock: Ha, he pedigreed him.
America: He did NOT pedigree him, he dropped him on his face.
*Alex introduces himself to the winner, the dude’s name is DaSilva (Nicholas Hill). They shake hands next to the guy that Demon beat in the first match*
Warlock: Clumsy editing is back.
*DaSilva says his style is streetfighting. Jackson says not to talk to anyone because he’ll have to fight them. The next fight has a judo star winning. The black dude that Alex spoke to before wins his fight against a dude in spandex. The black dude is Cliff (Ron Hall)*
Warlock: I love how there’s no clear favorite unlike the first movie where Chong Li and Frank Dux were established as unbeatable.
*Another monkey man fights but with legit monkey noises. Catman beats him up and wins the fight*
Warlock: Ok that just took Monkey Man from the first movie and made it stupid.
America: Yeah that’s a bit much.
*Demon wipes out the judo champion*
Warlock: Was that the quarterfinals?
America: I don’t know.
*That night Alex finds Janine*
Warlock: Oh fancy meeting you here a fucking year later.
*Janine is working for John now. After Alex was arrested, John set her up as his new assistant. He says he’ll pay a million dollars to John for the sword. She says tomorrow night they’ll make the deal*
*DaSilva joins Alex after Janine leaves. DaSilva says if they fight in the finals its nothing personal. Alex says its always personal.
Warlock: Yeah, attack him from behind.
*Day 2 has Alex fighting Gorilla (Nils Allen Stewart) and defeats him. Gorilla refuses to leave so the Host (Master Hee Il Cho) kicks his ass*
Warlock: That’s original.
*Shorty fights Ponytail, Shorty wins the fight*
Warlock: I don’t bet on him at all.
America: Where’s Big Spender this time?
*Kim Campbell fights a guy with face paint on*
Warlock: Well it looks like they took the first movie and pissed on it.
*Jackson bets on Kim and Kim wins with a ball grab and right hook*
America: So much for fighting fair.
*Jackson asks her out and she shoves him, Alex laughs. Next frame has Cliff beating the shit out of a fighter
Warlock: Was that Shorty?
America: I’m not sure.
*Shorty fights Demon*
Warlock: Oh THAT’S Shorty.
*Demon defeats Shorty by excessively kicking him. Alex doesn’t like it*
Warlock: There’s your finals match.
*Janine meets with John and says he wants the million dollars the next day at 9:30 AM. John tells a hooligan to kill Alex. Alex wins is his next fight*
America: You think there would be a better match at this point.
*Eddie Gordo style dude wins fight*
Warlock: Who the hell is this guy? Whoever edited this really sucks.
*Cliff wipes out his opponent in 3 seconds*
*Two muoy thai guys fight*
America: Stop dancing around and just fight already.
*Red shorts beats blue shorts*
Warlock: Winner, red shorts.
*Kim Campbell fights Catman as Jackson cheers her every move*
America: Peter Criss would not approve.
*Kim beats Catman*
*Janine meets Alex and says John wants to meet at 930*
America: Oh yeah, he also wants to kill you.
*Alex tells Janine that he’ll buy Sun’s freedom. They share character development. Meanwhile Demon fights next and beats his opponent*
Warlock: Isn’t it a little late for preliminaries?
America: Who knows.
*DaSilva fights Red Shorts next and wins by submission. Alex is next against Cliff*
Warlock: You knew this was coming.
*Alex “Don’t hold back Cliff” Cliff “No favors Alex”
America: Well, we know who wins this.
Warlock: Alex takes a dive to find the sword.
America: What kind of movie would that be?
Warlock: A bad one!
America: A bad one?? This isn’t a very good sequel to begin with.
*Alex beats Cliff but shows mercy on him in the end. Alex sits and Cliff joins him, they shake hands after. Kim Campbell fights Demon next*
Warlock: Oh great.
*Jackson tells Kim to be careful*
Warlock: Well we know who wins this one.
*Demon gets the upperhand and DaSilva holds Jackson back from interfering. Demon knocks out Kim and kisses her. Jackson attacks Demon but is held back by everyone. Demon breaks free and kicks Jackson down. Kim asks if he took a shot at Demon for her. He says yes. She says “What an idiot.”
*Alex says he doesn’t want Leung’s help. Leung says he respects his wishes. He’ll be there for the Kumite finals*
Warlock: Oh wonderful.
*Kim and Jackson meets Cliff and DaSilva and asks where Alex is. They don’t know where he is. John, Flash and a host of goons show up with a weird soundtrack*
America: Who invited the owl?
*DaSilva and Jackson go to find Alex leaving Cliff with Kim. John meets with Alex and Alex asks where the sword is. John pulls it out and Alex hands over the million. DaSilva and Jackson show up and Flash (Jeff Wolfe) shoots DaSilva in the leg. Alex cleans out Flash and fights John. John wounds Alex with the sword but Alex kicks his ass. Janine asks if he’s okay and Alex says he’s fine. DaSilva is wheeled off in a gurney and Jackson says Alex has a Kumite to win. Alex fights Ponytail in the semi-finals. Alex gets his ass kicked until Cliff gives him a pep talk, Alex gets up and wins the fight*
Warlock: Ready for the big finale?
*One of the fans dances around*
Warlock: Ha, look at this guy.
*Demon motions he’s going to beat the Samoan dude he’s fighting in the semi-finals*
America: I love how we’re almost to the end and this is the first time we’ve seen this dude.
Warlock: Yeah really. Was he an injury replacement for DaSilva?
America: The movie isn’t going to explain shit.
*Demon fights and kills Tino with a neck snap. The officials turn their back on Demon. Demon walks over and says “You and me, soon, just me”
Warlock: That was one of the worst comebacks I’ve ever seen.
America: If you’re going to come up with a one liner, don’t turn it into a short story.Warlock: Love how they’re ripping off the first movie at an alarming rate.
*America times Demon’s line*
Warlock: 5 seconds.
America: That’s my point, it took 2 seconds to say “You are next!” It took 5 to say that sentence.
*Janine delivers the sword to Leung. Leung says Alex’s debt is paid and Sun will be released from jail*
Warlock: Isn’t that nice.
America: What a humanitarian.
*Demon fights Alex in the finals. Alex gets dropped and Cliff tells him to get up. Alex “His arms are like cement” Demon continues to dominate the fight. We get slowmotion screaming from Alex. Jackson says to stay down as Alex remembers his training. Sun is there now and Alex makes the big comeback*
Warlock: Is there anything they didn’t rip off from the first movie?
America: Love interest,monkey man, guy gets killed refs turn back, slowmotion comeback, Jackson, worthy finals opponent…..that covers it.
*Alex dropkicks Demon and knocks him out. Alex wins it. Jackson celebrates as Sun applauds*
Warlock: Jackson acts like he won the thing.
*Host hands the sword to Alex as the grand champion*
Warlock: He turns to Leung and shouts “HAHA FUCK YOU I GOT THE SWORD BACK!”
America: Haha that would have been funny.
*Present time, Sun finishes the story to his school. The girl asks if Alex kissed Janine. Sure enough they do. End credits over a lousy end song*
Warlock: Ok, its over. This song sucks.
America: Did this come out before or after Mortal Kombat?
America: Yeah, they ripped this off too. Electronic theme with some idiot shouting “BLOODSPORT!” every two seconds. See! “BLOODSPORT!”
Warlock: What happened to Fight To Survive?
America: Ohhhhhh we don’t need it. Now we got BLOODSPORTTTTTTT.
Warlock: I think I may vomit.
Mr. America’s Assessment: I give it a 3
The Warlock’s Assessment: I give it a 4, direct ripoff of the first movie with b list actors. It failed miserably in almost every way to be a competent movie with the exception of the fight scenes. Some of them were very good and bearable to watch.
Final Grade: 3.5 – Sucks
*Warlock shuts the DVD player*
Warlock: Well that was complete garbage.
America: That put me in a shitty mood.
Warlock: Good, use it at the Kumite.
America: Let’s go.
*Montage of Kumite Day 2 has Warlock and America winning all their fights. They make it to Day 3*
Warlock: Made it this far.
America: Sooner or later, its gonna be you and me.
Warlock: Until then.
*TO BE CONTINUED*