*In the bowels of mainland China. The Warlock and Mr. America prepare to fight in the secret underground fighting event, the Kumite. The Warlock has black karate pants with a red belt on while Mr. America is in his usual green camo faitigues and black combat boots. Mr. America does pushups while Warlock levitates up and down*
Mr. America: You know if you pull that shit in the Kumite you’ll be disqualified right?
Warlock: That’s why I won’t do it.
Mr. America: Wait till I get my hands on you.
Warlock: That will be the day.
Mr. America: When are we leaving?
Warlock: In about 2 hours.
Mr. America: So what do we do for 2 hours?
Warlock: I got an idea.
*Warlock pulls out his portable DVD player. America stops doing pushups*
America: So what are we going to watch?
America: The Jean Claude Van Damme movie?
Warlock: That’s the one.
Warlock: So let’s get started with Bloodsport.
*The Warlock reads the tag line*
Warlock: “An American martial artist leaves the army to compete in a martial arts tournament in Hong Kong where fights to the death can occur.”
America: That’s what you leave the army for?
*Movie begins with a montage of various fighters training for the Kumite, a killer 80’s synth theme and the location being set up in Hong Kong*
America: What a skyline.
Warlock: *Mimics synth theme*
*Featured is Chong Li (Bolo Yeung) smashing blocks of ice in a tree as his trainer (Wilson Lee) looks on. Gustafson (John Foster) jumps through boards as his trainer (Edward E Ketterer) looks on*
Warlock: Splinter central.
*Ricardo Morra (Eric Neff) jumps into a tree and breaks a coconut*
Warlock: Did he just jump from the ground into a tree?
America: That’s what they want you to believe.
Toon (John Cheung) and Chaun (Dennis Chiu) shadow spar each other. Suan Parades (Michael Qissi) beats the shit out of somebody (Nathan Chukueke) on a beach*
Warlock: Thats Van Damme’s real life high school buddy in Belgium, also played Tong Po in Kickboxer.
America: Good to know. Least impressive fighter introduction though.
*Ray Jackson (Donald Gibb) works a heavy bag when his buddy (Mark DiSalle) says Ray could get killed at the Kumite. Ray “Only if you fuck up”
Warlock: Great line.
*Pumola (David Ho) throws a huge sugar sack that crushes 3 smaller guys*
*The officials nod as each other as the janitor (Mandy Chan) sweeps up*
Warlock: He dreams of being a fighter.
*After the montage ends. Frank Dux (Jean Claude Van Damme) is spin kicking a speed bag when an army guy (Edward E Ketterer) informs him Colonel Cooke (Ken Boyle) wants to speak with Frank before he leaves for Hong Kong. Frank says he will after he takes a shower*
Warlock: No, go as is and stink em out.
*Aide asks what’s taking Frank so long. He looks in the shower and Frank is gone. “SHIT!!!”
America: I want to say he ran away.
*Aide runs to Cooke and says Frank is gone. Cooke doesn’t want anything to happen to Frank in Hong Kong. He wants Helmer (Norman Burton) and Rawlins (Forest Whitaker) to go find him*
Warlock: Notice the voice is completely overdubbed?
America: Uh huh.
*Frank visits his old master Senzo Tanaka (Roy Chiao) and his wife (Lily Leung). He looks at a sword mounted and has a flashback*
Warlock: Flashback time.
*Young Frank (Pierre Rafini) and two hoodlums try to break in and steal the sword. Someone is coming so the other boys beat feet. Frank just stands there*
America: Really dude? You’re just gonna stand there.
*Frank admires the sword until Senzo Tanaka sends his son Shingo (Sean Ward) to kick him in the ribs*
Warlock: Nice to know this guy sends his son after intruders and not himself.
*Senzo sends Shingo away and says the sword must be earned. Frank says he wasn’t going to steal it. Senzo swipes the sword and Frank doesn’t flinch. Senzo says he has fighting spirit*
Warlock: Or….a complete lack of reflexes.
*Frank asks if he will call the cops, Senzo says he has a deal for him. He invites Mr (Claude Heme) and Mrs (Susan Sheers) Dux over for dinner to say Frank will be helping Shingo train*
Warlock: This will be funny.
*Shingo beats up Frank and he doesn’t want to quit. Frank says he wants to be trained too. He doesn’t want to be a punching bag. Next frame shows Frank saving Shingo from bullies, Shingo says he’ll fight in the Kumite and make his father proud. Next scene after that is Shingo’s memorial. Older Frank says he wants to be trained for the Kumite and Tanaka says no, this is for family only. He lost his first family in Hiroshima and came to America to start over. For 2,000 years martial arts have been from father to son. Senzo says when Shingo died, the training stops. Frank says to train him so he can honor him*
America: Everybody needs one.
*Montage of Frank getting his ass kicked from pillar to post but beginning to show improvement although he’s chopped in the eye*
Warlock: Ohhh what a shot.
*Frank catches a fish with his bare hand and is now fighting perfectly while blindfolded. He does a split and sets up tea blindfolded*
Warlock: Isn’t that lovely.
America: Alright I’m sorry but for this one thing, I know he’s training but to an extent, if you’re in the same house, you should know where everything this anyway.
*Senzo goes to chop blindfolded Frank but Frank catches his hand*
America: Ok, that makes more sense.
*Senzo ties Frank to a tree and pulls him so far apart he screams and shouts for a while*
Warlock: Want to go through that?
America: I’m all set.
*Frank blocks out the pain and stands up, breaking the chain off the tree*
Warlock: He’s ready.
America: Way to go, you broke his training equipment.
*Senzo conducts a ceremony to honor Frank with the sword*
Warlock: And he cuts his head off…movie’s over.
America: He’s wearing quite the suit.
*In present time, Frank visits the dying Senzo on his death bed*
Warlock: I love how this is supposed to be like 20 years after they first meet and neither Tanaka has aged…at all.
*Frank is going to Hong Kong to honor Senzo. Senzo says his spirit will fight with Frank. On the bus to the hotel in Hong Kong, Jackson makes his appearance. He hits on a woman in the front seat while swilling a beer. “Wanna go out with a real big man?”*
America: There’s you.
Warlock: I don’t remember drinking beer while on public transportation.
America: Same flirting style.
Warlock: Hell no.
*Janice (Leah Ayers) tries to get an interview from Chaun and Toon but they stoneface her. She’s looking for an inside scoop on the Kumite*
Warlock: She just told them…
*Jackson plays Karate Champ and asks if Frank wants to play. They bond while Frank kicks his ass in the game. Ray says he’s there for the Kumite. Frank says he’s there too. Ray “Aren’t you little young for full contact?” Frank “Aren’t you a little old for video games?”
Warlock: Never too old.
America: I resent that.
*Helmer and Rawlins knock on Mrs Tanaka’s door. Helmer is looking for Frank and she doesn’t know anything. Rawlins is overzealous but Helmer calms him down*
*The hotel concierge tells Ray and Frank that Mr. Lin (Ken Siu) is their guide for the tournament. Jackson “Who the hell’s Mr Lin?”*
Warlock: Jeremy’s dad.
*Ling calls Frank “Frank ducks” Frank corrects him. Lin “Gotcha, like put up your dukes right?”
Warlock: Put up your dukes.
America: Its a little soon for that if you want to kill yourself.
*Lin says he’ll be the chaparone for the North American fighters for the Kumite*
Warlock: Yeah, yet he’s only seen with these two.
*In the streets, Lin casually mentions the triad is allowing the Kumite to be held at this time. Lin says they’re about to cross an invisible border into mainland China. He says its time to protect their nuts*
Warlock: Great advice huh?
*The guard (Andrew Rule) gives the thumb up and says “OK USA!”
Warlock: The best line in the whole movie.
*Everybody walks down the corridors that could pass for a Mad Max movie*
Warlock: Wanna live there?
America: Eh, I think I’m good.
*Lin leads Ray and Frank to the arena. Training there are Pumola, Chong Li, Hossein (Bernard Mariano), Suan Parades, Budiman Prang (Samson Li), Paco (Paulo Tocha) and other fighters. The big spender (Johnny Wong Tin Tok) looks over the fighters. The referee (AP George) and the officials (Henry Ho, Henry Kot, Thomas Lam and Simon Lai) look over the invitations. Lin says they need to qualify so they can step on the runway and not get killed*
Warlock: Yet that happens every time.
*The official is skeptical of why Frank represents the Tanaka clan. Lin “What’s the difference if Bruce Springsteen is a shidoshi?” The official orders Frank to perform the dim mak “Death touch”. Frank goes to break a brick but the official stops and orders the bottom one broken. All the fighters gather around and Frank somehow smashes the bottom brick in the pile*
Warlock: Oh yeah right.
*Lin “Sonovabitch, is that good enough guys?” Offical “We honor his invitation.” Jackson “No shit you honor his invitation.” The majority of the crowd applauds except Hossein and Pumola. Chong Li “Very good, but brick not hit back”
America: He wasn’t asking you.
*Helmer and Rawlins check in with Captain Chen (Philip Chan), he doesn’t want to give away the Kumite’s location to them. Helmer says all they want is Frank, Chen says he’ll see what he can do. Meanwhile Hossein goes to slap Janice after she refuses his advances but Frank stops her. Frank wants to make a bet to get her attention. He puts a quarter in Hossein’s hand, if he grabs it before he closes his hand, he gets the girl. Hossein tells him go and Frank grabs it. Hossein “You lose American asshole.” Frank says to check his hand and yen is in it, Frank’s got the quarter. Jackson makes a face. Frank says to leave her alone*
Warlock: He wins.
*Janice asks Frank why no one will talk about the Kumite*
America: Well for one, its supposed to be a secret. She forgot what secret means.
*Frank and Janice share bonding moments. Next day Frank meditates while doing a split. Jackson knocks*
America: Come in.
*Jackson “That hurts me just looking at it*
*Jackson “Earth to Frankie, this is ground control, do you copy?”
America: As opposed to Major Tom?
*Jackson, Frank and Lin walk to their seats as the Kumite begins. Lin “They really love Asians because we’re good looking.” The host says the Black Dragon Society holds the Kumite every 5 years to show superior skill and honor. “May the mightiest warrior previal!” Everyone cheers as Jackson, Chong Li and Frank stare at each other. The first fight is Sen Ling (Benjamin Ling) against Suan Parades*
Warlock: You ready?
America: Oh yeah.
*Lin gives Jackson and Frank instructions before the fight begins. Lin “Now, remember, it’s full-contact. There are three ways to win. One, you knock the guy out. Two, your opponent quits and shouts ‘matte’. It’s like saying uncle. Three, you throw the fucker right off the runway.” Jackson “Piece of cake”
Warlock: I’m gonna throw you off the runway.
America: We’ll see.
*The fight begins and Suan dominates. Suan then lands a right cross that bloodies Ling. Ray “That’s why they call this thing bloodsport kid”
Warlock: Oh yeahhh
*Parades wins the fight by hitting a spinning uppercut that knocks Ling off the platform. Big Spender wins money as others throw their slips at Ling*
Warlock: Haha I win!
America: You didn’t even fight!!
*Next fight is Jackson against some guy who looks like he’s 17*
Warlock: HE’S too young to be in the Kumite.
*Jackson is kicked in the face by his opponent. He wipes the blood from his face, screams and knocks the guy cold with an Andre the Giant punch. He yells over to Chong Li that he’s going to kill him. Chong Li smiles as Steve Daw looks confused*
Warlock: Hahahhaa. Steve thought he was talking to him.
*Jackson celebrates and caters to Frank. “Huh Frankie? Huh? Look at em buddy!” Attilio Reale (himself) laughs*
Warlock: Yeah, great work.
*The ref makes the janitor clean up the blood. The next fight is Budiman Prang against Chong Li. The crowd starts chanting Chong Li as Jackson says he’s the undefeated champion. Ling says he holds all the records. He killed a guy during the last Kumite. Budiman Prang warms up*
America: You stand NO chance. They just spent 30 seconds introducing this as this unstoppable monster, and this is his first fight? Of course he’s gonna win, I don’t even know why the other guy is stretching, he’s just delaying the inevitable.
Warlock: The other guy is totally jacked.
*Chong Li wipes out Prang in 15 seconds*
Warlock: Not bad for a 50 year old. Bolo Yeung was 49 during filming.
*Next fight is Frank himself against Hossein. Hossein “Now I show you some trick or two.” The ref says “Hajime!” and immediately Frank grab’s Hossein’s arm which stops him cold. He lands a few chops to the face and Hossein goes down, pretending to be out*
Warlock: I didn’t know grabbing a guy’s arm induces paralysis did you?
America: No, that’s news.
Warlock: Also the mere presence of Frank’s hand makes people pass out.
*Hossein goes for a sneak attack after the fight and Frank knocks him cold. Frank sets the world record with 12 seconds. Jackson stands and shouts. “His first fight in the Kumite he broke the fucking world record. YEAH!” He pushes someone behind him “That’s my buddy!”
America: Love how this guy is making an ass out of himself.
*The janitor spots Hossein’s gold tooth on the ground and steals it*
Warlock: Yeah that’s not racist or anything.
America: Hepatitis much?
*We get a montage of fights set to Stan Bush’s Fight To Survive. Toon wins a fight with Attilio Reale, Ricardo Morra aka The Monkey Man fights Wayne Archer (himself). Archer swings and misses 2 feet over Ricardo’s head*
Warlock: Hahahahaa the guy is a foot off the ground and you’re punching at eye level!
*Morra defeats Archer by taking him down and chopping his head*
America: He’s not gonna win the whole thing.
*Chaun fights Hung Chi-Sing (himself) as Big Spender cheers them on*
Warlock: Spender looks like he’s jerking off.
*Chaun wins the fight with a spinning back punch*
Warlock: Nice shot.
*Paco fights Steve Daw. Daw does a backflip but eats knees and loses. Paco taunts him after the match.*
Warlock: The logo on Paco’s shorts is the real life gym he trains in.
*Jackson throws someone off the runway and says “Go home”
America: Doesn’t take much skill to throw someone off a platform.
*Chong Li wins another fight by knocking a guy’s mouthpiece out*
Warlock: He’s the only guy in the tournament who had a mouthguard.
*Pumola wins a fight by delivering a backbreaker to Henrik Wesslen (himself)*
Warlock: I like this guy.
*Chaun, Frank, Paco and Chong Li win more fights*
Warlock: Well there’s your competition.
*Helmer and Rawlins are eating at a restaurant and invites Chen to join them. Chen says he never eats there. They get intel from Chen where Frank is. They rush to the hotel*
Warlock: Uh oh.
*Rawlins tries to feed a dog but the dog doesn’t want it*
Warlock: The dog’s like get that shit out of here.
*Helmer and Rawlins confront Frank and says they’re taking him back. Ray “I ain’t your pal dickface!” Frank says he’ll be back in 2 days, they say that’s good enough. They both pull put tasers and Jackson gang tackles them*
Warlock: Sacked at the 5 yard line.
*Frank runs away and is chased by the two to the montage song Steal The Night*
Warlock: Ever wanted to run through the streets of Hong Kong to a sweet 80’s song being chased by federal agents?
America: No! How is that appealing?
*Frank loses them when Helmer and Rawlins take a dip in the river. Frank waves at them*
Warlock: You’ll the stealllll the nightttttt, you’ll be where you belongggggggggg
*Janice and Frank share bonding moments over dinner. She asks for him to bring her in and he refuses. Next morning they kiss each other after sex and Frank leaves saying he can’t get her in*
Warlock: At least we got spared the pointless sex scene.
America: Yeah, but not his ass.
*At the Kumite, Jackson breaks a brick with his bare fist then smashes another over his head*
Warlock: Oriental men in beards are not impressed when you smash a brick over your head.
*Big Spender calls Frank a good fighter. Janice is Big Spender’s date. She said she’s undercover and Frank just shakes his head*
Warlock: Ughhhh, saw that coming.
*Day 2 begins with Toon fighting Paco to a xylophone theme*
Warlock: Both these guys have been in other movies.
*Paco beats the shit out of Toon as Chaun shouts off in the distance. Paco wins the fight*
*Frank wipes out Jackson Ng Yuk-Sue (himself)*
Warlock: In real life that guy was asked to take it easy on Frank.
*Next fight is Suan Parades fighting Chong Li. He holds his own for a bit but eventually Chong Li gets the upperhand. He smashes Suan’s leg in and the bone pokes out of the skin*
Warlock: Mind if I eat?
*Big Spender doesn’t like it and Janice is grossed out. The crowd chants Chong Li*
Warlock: Even Big Spender doesn’t like it.
*Frank wins another fight but Warlock spots Parades sitting in the crowd*
Warlock: Hey look Parades is sitting in the front row, guess his leg is fine after all.
America: That’s really clumsy editing.
*Chong Li wins another fight against a black dude that has zero takedown defense*
Warlock: That’s as bad as a kid I knew in high school on the wrestling team who fell like a tree.
*Chaun wins a fight against a guy who can’t be taller than 5’2*
America: Look at this midget.
*Frank’s next fight is against Juaro Gomez (himself) who threatens to kill him. Frank spinkicks him and dropkicks him off the runway in 5 seconds much to Jackson’s delight*
Warlock: Ha, Jackson stands after every blow Frank lands.
*Pumola fights Ricardo “Monkey Man” Morra. Its comical but eventually Pumola wins the fight with a bearhug as Janice gives the choke sign*
Warlock: Good call on him not winning it all.
*Chong Li wipes out Gustafson and Frank’s quarterfinal match is against Pumola. Pumola rips Frank’s shirt and Frank takes it off, Pumola gives the double thumbs up*
Warlock: He digs it when Frank takes his shirt off.
*Frank wins the fight with an uppercut to the godnads while doing a split*
Warlock: And there’s the inspiration for Johnny Cage.
America: I love the faces these people are making.
*The final match of the quarterfinals is Jackson against Chong Li. The crowd chants “Dux” much to Chong Li’s dismay. Frank says to stay away from Chong Li’s right leg and to aim for the stomach. Jackson says he has it under control.
America: No you don’t
*The fight begins and Jackson runs at him screaming with his arms over his head. Chong Li sidesteps him and kicks him in the ribs*
Warlock: HAHAHAHAHAHA! You’re facing the most dangerous fighter in the world. Not only is he undefeated, he kills people. Your plan is to run at him screaming? Hahahaha what the hell?
*Jackson gets the upperhand with an axehandle smash to the head but stops to chant his own name much to Frank’s dismay. Chong Li gathers himself and shakes his head. Jackson says he’s got him*
Warlock: Idiot. You had the most dangerous fighter on the run and you stop to let him father himself? You deserve to lose.
*Chong Li wins the fight by kicking Jackson in the throat and curbstomping his head as Chaun looks on concerned and Lin holds Frank back from interfering. Frank “Noooooo, STOPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!”
Warlock: He means business.
*Chong Li steals Jackson’s headband as the crowd chants Chong Li. The ref holds Frank back from attacking Chong Li and we cut to the hospital. Dr Wang (Charles Wang) says he’s going to be okay*
Warlock: The doctor supplied most of the props for this movie in real life.
*Frank says he’ll beat Chong Li for Ray. Janice yells at him and Frank says this about honor. Janice says there’s no honor in beating each other’s brains out. Lin gives him a pep talk about being the first Westener to win this thing but he needs a clear head*
Warlock: I thought he said clay head for a minute.
America: That makes no sense.
*Janice rats out Frank to Inspector Chen. Meanwhile we get a montage of Frank thinking about the day’s events to Stan Bush’s On My Own Alone*
Warlock: On my owwnnnnnnnnn aloneeeeeeeeeeeeee.
America: Everyone needs a montage.
*Next day Frank gets stopped at the Kumite entrance by Helmer, Chen, Janice and Rawlins. Frank beats up various cops and uses a trash can lid to deflect taser blasts onto more cops. He grabs the tasers and says he’ll see them tomorrow. Helmer and Rawlins give up and Helmer says to sit in for the finals*
Warlock: So he can beat up cops and get away with it, lovely.
*The officials say Frank is disqualified and Big Spender stuffs money in the official’s pocket and says “Too late? No such thing as too late”
*Frank makes it in time. Lin “Its about fuckin time!” Big Spender “How you feeling today Dux?” Frank “Good.” Spender “Dux my man!”
*Helmer, Rawlins and Janice sit in the front row. Frank’s semi-final match is against Paco, the muoy thai champion. Paco gets in a cheapshot much to Chong Li’s delight*
*Frank holds his own against Paco before getting into a kicking contest. Frank gets the upperhand and wipes out Paco with a screaming, slow motion spinkick. Helmer and Rawlins look at each other*
Warlock: They’re saying, “Holy shit!”
*The crowd chants Dux as Chong Li pouts. Frank looks over to see Janice clapping. The other semi-final match is Chaun against Chong Li. Chaun holds his own for a while but Chong Li gets the upperhand and blasts him in the head with a punch to finish it. The ref checks Chaun to see if he’s breathing, he’s not. The ref realizes he’s dead and looks at Chong Li bug eyed. He looks toward the officials who turn their back on Chong Li. The crowd joins them. Chong Li goes to Frank and says “You are next!”
Warlock: More like “You are nex”
*The finals is obviously Frank against Chong Li. Big Spender bets on Dux as Chong Li’s trainer slips something in Chong Li’s shorts. Chong has Ray’s bandana around his leg. Chong “You break my record, now I break you, like I break your friend.”
Warlock: More dubbed dialogue.
*Frank gets the upperhand early on in the fight until Chong pulls out a salt tablet and throws it in Frank’s eyes*
Warlock: YOU MEAN TO TELL ME NOBODY SAW THAT? ALL EYES WERE ON THEM!
America: Anything goes dude.
*Slow motion montage of Frank getting pounded and screaming*
Warlock: This is an hour long movie without the slow motion effects. Also that’s a great way to get HIV with all the blood on the platform.
*Frank screams while blinded until he has an epiphany of his training. He slowly closes his eyes and suddenly gets calm. He suddenly opens them and is rejuvinated*
Warlock: That was pretty gracious of Chong Li to let Frank gather himself for the big finish.
*Now Frank can’t miss and Chong Li can’t hit. Frank hits him with 4 spinkicks to drop him. He threatens to snap his neck and Chong Li says “Mateeeeeee” Frank wins by submission. He grabs Jackson’s headband back and is the winner*
Warlock: The winner and NEWWWWW champion.
*Frank is presented a sword for winning it all*
Warlock: Wow, he put his life on the line for a sword? Then again, it was all about honor anyway.
*Frank “This is for you shidoshi.” Frank and Janice visit Ray at the hospital. Ray is excited that Frank won. Frank says “Next time, try to keep your clothes on” and he gives Ray the headband back. Ray gives an emotional speech and Frank says he loves him*
*Helmer and Rawlins are waiting outside the plane for Frank, Frank was inside all along. Rawlins “You really are a pain in the ass, you know that?” Helmer “I’m just glad you’re on our side.” Movie ends with Frank saluting Janice and a graphic of the real Frank Dux’ accomplishments*
Warlock: 329 matches huh?
Mr. America’s Assessment: I give it a 6..
The Warlock’s Assesment: 8 out of 10, the editing was too clumsy and it was on the short side. Everything else was perfect. It wasn’t clean, it was dirty, it was messy.
Final Grade: 7 out of 10 – Great
*Warlock shuts the DVD player*
Warlock: You ready?
America: Born ready.
*At the Kumite, we get a montage of Warlock and America winning fights to Fight To Survive*
Warlock: Well we survived Day 1
America: Maybe we’ll fight in Day 2.
Warlock: We’ll find out.
*TO BE CONTINUED*