*When we last left off, The Warlock was carrying an unknown DVD case to Neyzor Blades’ domain. He walks up the steps and rings the door bell. While he waits, he remembers the time he and his father watched Lethal Weapon 2*
*The Warlock reads the tag line*
Warlock: “Riggs and Murtaugh are on the trail of South African diplomats who are using their immunity to engage in criminal activities.”
Wizard: Apartheid in full effect.
*Opening scene has Martin Riggs (Mel Gibson) screaming his head off riding with Roger Murtaugh (Danny Glover) in a high speed chase*
Warlock: Jumping right into it.
*Roger says this is his wife Trish (Darlene Love) brand new car. Riggs calls in that they’re following a red BMW and request backup. Meanwhile a second car pulls out as Officer Cavanaugh (Dean Norris) in the second squad car says they’ll go after the blue. Meanwhile at the station Captain Murphy (Steve Kahan) informs the officers of the chase going on. The Detective (Norm Wilson) puts 20 bucks on Riggs and Murtaugh, one of the cops asks who’s driving and Murphy says Murtaugh in his wife’s car. The detective backs off the bet. Murphy tells them to shut up*
*Hans (Mark Rolston) is in the red car. The two dudes in the blue car communicate in Dutch and nobody figures out what they are saying. Officer Wyler (Juney Smith) in the back of Cavanaugh’s car has never heard it before. Officer Esteban (Nestor Serrano) says it could be German. Murtaugh asks if its Japanese and Riggs says they may as well have bought the LAPD. Murtaugh “They own everything else.”
Warlock: Yet another late 80’s movie complaining about the Japenese takeover of American commerce.
*One of the suspects in the blue car pulls out a shotgun and shoots up Murtaugh’s car before driving away. Murtaugh “The sonovabitch just shot up my wife’s windshield”
Warlock: You think he’s bad, wait till Hans sees HER!
*Murtaugh crashes and Riggs takes off on foot after Hans. He jumps on the car and says “I’d like to see your driver’s license and proof of insurance!” before falling off*
*Hans fires a few rounds at Riggs who gets away. Riggs runs up the hill after him and Murtaugh pulls up, Riggs says he’ll drive. Riggs tries to follow on the freeway and Murtaugh says don’t do it, too close to the guardrail. Riggs says they’ll make it. Sure enough Riggs blows the car off the guardrail and laughs it off saying Murtaugh was right. Roger gives him a dirty look*
Wizard: All that car damage.
*The blue car is surrounded and the suspects start shooting at the police. A chopper flies up and pull the two to safety. Meanwhile Riggs and Murtaugh induce Hans to flip his car. They run up to the car and Hans is gone. Riggs kicks the trunk open and hundreds of gold coins fall out*
Warlock: WE’RE RICH!!!
Wizard: Those were Krugerrands. They were illegal to import to the US.
*Murphy gives Murtaugh shit for letting all the suspects get away. Meanwhile Riggs is in a straight jacket. Officer Shapiro (Jenette Goldstein), Officer Collins (Grand L Bush), Officer Wyler, Officer Cavanaugh, Officer Esteban and Officer Ragucci (Philip Suriano) have a bet going on if he can escape it much to Murtaugh’s dismay. Riggs dislocates shoulder to break free. Murtaugh laughs as he knew he could do that all along. They ask how he did it. Riggs says he dislocated once and now he can do it whenever he wants. It hurts but not as bad as popping it back in, and he slams his shoulder against the wall. The entire room cringes as the Psychologist (Mary Ellen Trainor) says her door his always open. Riggs calls her Mrs Sigmund Fraud*
*Riggs collects the money as Murtaugh checks out the Wanted poster of Hans and the others. Meanwhile Riggs lets it slip that Roger’s oldest daughter Rianne (Traci Wolfe) is going to be in a commercial. Everyone asks what time and Murtaugh reluctantly tells them. They all applaud as Roger says “With this crowd baby, you better not stink”
Warlock: Something stinks.
*Riggs and Murtaugh inspect the damage on Roger’s car. Riggs leaves as Roger drives home*
Warlock: The thing is a wreck.
*Riggs and Murtaugh pull up to the house. Roger’s son Nick (Damon Hines) gives Roger shit for busting up the car. He finds thrown away magazines and complains then yells at Ricky the carpenter (Jack McGee) that he wants to use his own driveway. He’s having a new garage installed*
Warlock: How can he afford that?
Wizard: On a cop’s salary I don’t know.
*Roger and Riggs check out the hobby room being built. Ricky uses a nailgun and it spooks Roger and Martin into drawing their guns, scaring Ricky. Riggs apologizes and Ricky shows them how the gun works. Next frame is Carrie (Ebonie Smith) running downstairs to join Trish, Riggs, Roger, Rianne and her boyfriend George (Allan Dean Moore) for the taping of the commercial*
Warlock: They’re watching Tales From The Crypt.
Wizard: Good eye.
*Trish scolds Roger for eating tuna. Nick says to eat a ham sandwhich. Riggs “Yeah, eat Miss Piggy”
Wizard and Warlock: Hahaha
*Ricky walks in as the commercial comes on and everyone’s excited, until its revealed its a Ramses condom commercial. Roger’s expression says it all and he tries to cover Carrie’s eyes*
Warlock: Oh god…..
*Roger quietly tells Trish to take the kids upstairs. Carrie says she learns about this in human development and Roger freaks. Nick, Trish and Carrie leave as Rianne says she looked fat. George says she looked good and Roger tells George to get out and he has a gun. Ricky says it made him want to go out and buy rubbers right now. Roger turns and looks at him as Riggs laughs*
*Riggs tells George that Murtaugh’s gun is old and he’s not a very good shot. Rianne and George leave as Roger says the guys at the station won’t let him hear the end of it. Meanwhile Arjen Rudd (Joss Ackland), the leader of the South African nationalists is in his office. There’s a knock on the door and Pieter Vorstedt (Derrick O’Connor) opens it. Its Hans reporting in. There’s plastic on the ground. Arjen asks if Hans is okay and he says he is. Arjen then says that they lost 1 million dollars worth of Krugerrand. Hans says he’s sorry and things happen. Arjen agrees and asks Pieter what he thinks. Pieter responds by plugging Hans right between the eyes with a 9mm gun. Hans falls into the plastic and Pieter rolls him up like a burrito. Arjen says the police are becoming a nuisance. Pieter says they need to be warned off. Arjen tells him he’s in charge of the warnings. Arjen hands him Murtaugh’s picture and calls him a kaffir*
Warlock: A what?
Wizard: In their language, that’s the n word.
*Riggs gives Trish a sob story about how he carries a pen around because it was the one he found under the couch when he was told his wife died. He used it to sign the coroner’s report*
Warlock: That’s sad.
*Sam the Dog (himself) and Riggs are watching the ocean and then go inside to watch the 3 Stooges. Riggs laughs along*
Warlock: Three Missing Links
Wizard: One of my favorite episodes.
*Pieter and some of the South Africans in ski masks barge into Roger’s room and tie him and his wife to the bed, gagging them both. Pieter taunts them and says this is just a warning, next time it gets bloody. “Don’t go being a smart kaffir”
Wizard: Don’t even think about calling people that.
*The South Africans leave as Nick and Rianne untie and ungag them. Next day Roger tells Riggs what happened. Riggs tells everyone to watch each other’s backs and fronts. Cavanaugh says the poker game is at his house tomorrow night. Roger gets a phone call and he plus Riggs visit Murphy. They’re being re-assigned to witness protection to look over money launderer Leo Getz (Joe Pesci). Riggs lights up a cigarette as Roger protests. Murphy says he’s trying to keep them safe. Riggs says it stinks and Murphy says he doesn’t give a fuck. He gives them the location where Leo is staying and sends them off. Murphy says Riggs to see the non-smoking sign and Riggs says he don’t give a fuck”
*Riggs and Murtaugh hit up the hotel but Riggs stops to check out the local female population in the pool. The girls ask them to join them in the hot tub and Murtaugh pulls him away*
Wizard: Looking good, getting better.
*One of the hotel staff prepares to roll a tray to Leo’s door but a man stops him. Riggs and Murtaugh are already at the door. Riggs says he’s going to shoot Leo through the door*
Warlock: Real friendly.
*Leo makes an ass out of himself as Riggs and Murtaugh say they’re shadowing him for a few days. While they banter the second man enters with the food. Leo says he didn’t order eggs and the man pulls a gun. Leo catches it in time. Riggs and Murtaugh draw their guns and Riggs charges the food cart. He, the assassin and Leo plow through the window into the pool. Riggs grabs Leo by accident and starts punching him. Riggs realizes its Leo as the assassin gets away. He pulls Leo to the side as Roger makes his way down. Both Leo and Riggs yell at him for not being there. Roger “Shut up I was 7 floors up!”
Warlock: Why didn’t he just cannonball down there?
Wizard: And wreck his nice suit?
*Riggs ask why Leo would be assassination. Leo says he laundered half a billion dollars in drug money. Leo “Could I please have some cotton balls for my nose?” Riggs “Could you please shut the fuck up?”
*Back in the South African Consulate, Arjen is mad that Leo got away. He asks what Pieter is doing and he says he’s checking the ground for plastic*
*At Murtaugh’s house, Leo explains how money laundering works. Leo “Okay okay okay, this is the best part!” Leo reveals he had a skim going and the drug dealers found out about it. Riggs gets a shirt from Leo that’s too small, Riggs says it could fit Nick. Riggs wants to know who the drug dealers were. Leo at first says no but then he remembers once having to go to a house with stilts on it. He had an interview with Hans and Riggs/Leo want to go check the place out. Roger says no but Riggs talks him into it. Leo “If we’re going, shouldn’t I have a gun?” Riggs and Murtaugh “NO!” Riggs pulls Leo’s nose*
*Riggs and Murtaugh are outside checking the scenery as Leo had led them on a wild goose chase. He babbles about his CPA days but says the house has a 9 in the address. Riggs then says there can’t be that many houses in Bel Aire with only four numbers beginning with 9. Riggs goes through the phonebook and there’s 100 of them. Leo says the address is somewhere around there and 9856. They found it*
Warlock: Well that was pointless.
*Riggs and Murtaugh check out the house while Leo stays in the car. A woman (Cynthia Burr) is getting towed and the Tow Driver (Orlando Bonner) tells her to relax. Riggs goes around back with pool cleaning gear as Roger goes in front. The South Africans inside question him and Riggs attacks with the pool net. Riggs beats them both up and cuffs them as someone opens fire. The assassin from the hotel runs away, commandeers the tow truck and drives off. Riggs runs after him as Leo says its the guy from the hotel. Leo and Murtaugh drive off as Leo hits the noise and the cherries. Riggs makes it to the car on the back of the tow truck and we get a chase scene. The assassin opens fire on Riggs with a Beretta then throws it out the window. Leo makes Roger pull over to retrieve it*
Warlock: Why did he do that?
*The assassin hits the brake and Riggs is now hanging on to the front of the truck’s grill. Two trucks pull out over a pass and the assassin slam on the brakes. That causes Murtaugh to crash into the Honda,launching it over the truck, nearly taking out Riggs. A man with a surfboard crashes into the Honda and the surfboard goes flying into the tow truck, decapitating the assassin*
Warlock: Woahhhh yeah!
*The police show up as Riggs inspects the damage. Roger tells Leo to stay and Leo says “Stay? Whataya think I am a dog?”
Wizard: Woof woof.
*Esteban, Cavanaugh, Collins, Shapiro, Riggs, Murtaugh and Wyler arrest the South African’s as Arjen and Pieter show up asking what’s going on. He disarms his own men as Arjen says he’s the minister of diplomatic affairs for the South African Consulate. They pull out their diplomatic credentials. Murtaugh tells Riggs to take it easy as Pieter asks if he’s Martin Riggs. He goes to read Pieter’s name and says “Fuck it, I’ll just call you Adolf” Arjen “Under the Diplomatic Relations Act, no diplomatic agent me be detained or arrested once his identity has been established. My dear officer, you could not even give me a parking ticket. Who is the dickhead now?”
Wizard: My favorite line
*Arjen tells the cops to leave and they leave amidst taunts from the Consulate. One guy calls Collins a “kaffir”. Shapiro “With those credentials Chuck Manson could get off.” Riggs “I went to school with him.” A woman comes out of a car and Riggs goes to question here but the shook up police force draw their guns. Riggs quiets them down. They hit their heads together as Arjen comes out to yell at them. Arjen reveals the woman is Rika Van den Haas (Patsy Kensit). Everybody leaves as Riggs and Rika give each other the angel eyes*
Warlock: There’s the love interest.
*Murphy gives Riggs and Murtaugh and earful and Leo behind them nods along. Murphy is mad that they took Leo onto the bust. The cops pull a prank on the Roger by putting a condom tree on his desk. He tells Riggs to go spit but then laughs along with everyone*
Warlock: He had that coming.
*Arjen warns Rika to stay away from the police. Next frame is Leo and the guys at the drive through. When they realize they got the wrong food, Leo goes on a rant about the drive-thru. “They fuck you at drive though, okay? They fuck you at the drive through. They know you’re gonna be miles away, before you find out ya got fucked okay!” Riggs and Murtaugh “Shut up!”
*Riggs tails Arjen with several hilarious pop up scenes*
Wizard: Riggs is gonna fuck with him.
*Arjen causes a car accident*
Wizard: What a jerk.
*Apartheid protestors yell at Arjen, Riggs is one of them who stares at Arjen as he drives through*
Warlock: Look at his face.
*Riggs waves at Arjen on the security camera and Rika smiles along. She leaves as Arjen mean mugs*
*At Riggs’ beach house, Leo has tidied up the place. Riggs wants Sam to bite him*
*Riggs gets a phone call from Shapiro who says its Collins, Murtaugh hasn’t checked in yet*
Warlock: That was a woman’s voice, Collins is the black dude.
Wizard: Good catch.
*Riggs and Leo drive to Roger’s place. Roger says he’s upstairs. Leo says he’ll cover the back as Riggs goes upstairs. Roger is on the toilet. Riggs asks what’s up. Roger says he’s been there all day because the toilet paper reads “BOOM YOU’RE DEAD!” Riggs nonchalantly laughs at him. Riggs checks behind him and sure enough, there’s a bomb rigged to blow. Leo runs in and runs back out. Riggs says he’ll call the bomb squad, Roger says to keep it quiet. Next frame is complete chaos with squad cars, firetrucks, swat vans and news reporters everywhere*
Wizard: He screwed that one up.
*The psychologist tells Shapiro she can handle anything. But she can’t handle Riggs and Murtaugh so she splits….until Leo catches up with her. The bomb squad (Jim Birge and Patrick Cameron) prepare Murtaugh for evacuation. The leader (Kenneth Tigar) tells them that they have 2 seconds to hit the tub and take cover once Murtaugh gets off*
Warlock: Why don’t they cut the wire?
Wizard: Not enough room.
*Riggs and Murtaugh share bonding moments until its time to move. Riggs pulls him off and they hide in the tub as the toilet explodes out the window. They laugh in the tub*
Warlock: Murtaugh’s house always gets shot up or blown up in these movies.
*Leo visits the South African Consulate. He bullshits the Immigrations Officer about Roger immigrating to South Africa. The guys jaw drop. “You don’t want to go South Africa” Roger “Why not?” Officer “Because you’re black.” Leo :”You are.”
Warlock and Wizard: Hahahahahaha
*Roger “Free South Africa you dumb son of a bitch.” Leo “Ya dumb sonovabitch”
Warlock and Wizard: Hahaaha
*Roger and Leo get thrown out as Riggs sneaks in the back. Roger gets a standing O outside*
Warlock: That’s hilarious.
*Riggs infiltrates to Arjen’s office and knocks on the fish tank. He steals a memo and puts it in his pocket as Arjen, Pieter and the henchmen walk in. Riggs shuts the door behind them. Riggs “Its the master race.” Arjen orders Riggs thrown out but he beats up two guys and draws his gun. He taunts and threatens Arjen and the boys. Arjen calls him a kaffir lover. Riggs “Eenie, meeine miney…AY MOE! and he plugs the fish tank. “Hey sorry Adolf” Pieter stares at him as he leaves. Rika outside asks Riggs what he’s doing there. Riggs “Shooting the breeze, shooting his fish”
*In the car, Leo “But you’re blick!”
Wizard: I need to steal that line.
*They laugh about their mission, Riggs pulls out the memo which says “Alba Varden Thursday” Murtaugh says he’s heard of it before. Meanwhile Leo says lunch his on him. He opens the door in the middle of traffic and the door gets taken off by an oncoming driver*
Warlock: That car is going to be in ruins by the end of this movie.
*Arjen realizes Riggs stole the memo. Next scene is Riggs cornering Rika at the supermarket. They share bonding moments and he asks her out. Riggs makes an ass out of himself*
Warlock and Wizard: Hahahahaha
*At Martin’s beach house, Riggs and Rika share more bonding moments. He tells Rika he used to be married as Rika questions Arjen’s motives. Riggs says he’s a bad guy*
Warlock: No shit.
*The next scene is the South African’s systematically wipes out the LAPD. Pieter shoots Wyler in the head. Shapiro goes to jump in her pool and is blown up by a bomb. Meanwhile Riggs and Rika get it on after throwing Sam off the bead*
Warlock: Holy shit, cop killers.
Wizard: They’ll pay.
*Collins, Cavanaugh, Moss (James Oliver) and Friesen (Lionel Douglass) are blown up with Cavanaugh’s house. Back at the station Esteban says the only ones left are Riggs and Murtaugh. Murtaugh is with Leo but hasn’t checked in. Murphy says to find Riggs and Murtaugh. They keep calling Riggs’ house but he’s busy fucking Rika so he doesn’t answer*
Warlock: Yeah this is gonna look good.
*Murtaugh is mad he missed the poker game as Joe goes over tax returns. Murtaugh gets a clue and goes to go home as Leo says Rianne is hot when the condom commercial comes on. Murtaugh frustrated, shuts off the tv. Meanwhile Riggs and Rika are having baseball pillow talk*
Warlock: Dueling couples.
*Roger tells Leo to stay in the car as he checks something out. Roger goes through a VHS tape of his of his birthday on the boat. Meanwhile Leo is kidnapped by the South Africans. Back inside Roger realizes the Alba Varden is a ship, not a woman. Meanwhile a South African sneaks up on Roger and they brawl into the hobby room. Roger kills him with the nail gun. Another one grabs Roger and Roger kills him with several nail gun shots. Roger “Nailed them both”
*Roger runs outside and Leo and his car are gone. Meanwhile at the beach house, a chopper is on its way. Riggs and Rika are still going at it when Sam busts in to warn him.Riggs tells Rika to get dressed and Rika is confused. TWO choppers start shooting the place up as Sam, Rika and Martin escape through the doggie door. Riggs has Sam and Rika make a run for his truck as he stays behind. Rika makes it in as Riggs shoots the two terrorists on the ground. He unmasks one and its the guy he headbutted in the Consulate. He wipes out two more as the second chopper gets away. Meanwhile Sam is chasing after the truck. Martin shoots down the chopper with his Beretta as Sam makes it in the truck safely*
Warlock: Shoots a chopper down with a handgun?
Wizard: Its only a movie.
*Riggs takes Rika home*
Warlock: I love how he doesn’t take her to the police station or to the hospital, he just takes her home.
*Riggs kisses her goodnight and tells her to be safe. He goes to leave but is knocked out by Pieter. Pieter says to go get the girl. Sam hides in the truck. Next frame is Pieter next to Riggs in a straight jacket. Pieter reveals HE’S the one who ran his wife off the road, thinking it was him. Pieter says she didn’t die right away and Riggs lunges for him. Pieter “You don’t have much luck with women do you Riggs?” Riggs is thrown in the water where Rika is already there, dead. He dislocates his shoulder to escape. He makes it to the surface, sneaks up on the 2 South Africans guarding him and kills them both, one by slamming his head into the door a bunch of times. He relocates his shoulder and screams*
Warlock: Holy fuck.
*Martin brings Rika’s body out of the water and laments. Riggs calls Murtaugh and says Rika’s dead. Riggs says he’s not a cop tonight and its personal. Riggs says he’s going to the stilt house. He hangs up and Roger ditches his badge to join him. Meanwhile Pieter is with two South Africans at the stilt house browbeating Leo. Riggs and Murtaugh pull up alongside each other. Riggs “They declared war on the police.” Roger says they don’t have the authority. Riggs plan is to wait for his signal then go in and kill everyone. Roger goes in front and Riggs jacks up a tow cable to the stilts to his truck*
Warlock: Is he really going to?
Wizard: Pull the whole fucking thing down.
*Riggs begins driving off, trying to pill the house down. Pieter shoots at Riggs as Roger busts in and kills the two Consulate guys. Pieter gets away as Riggs pulls the entire house down just as Leo and Roger escape*
Warlock: TAKE THAT YOU FURRY FOREIGNER SONS OF BITCHES!
*Roger and Leo meet up with Martin. Roger tells Leo to take the car and drive to the station. Leo hugs them goodbye and says he’s gonna use the siren. Riggs and Murtaugh drive off*
Warlock: Bye bye Leo.
*Murtaugh gives the plan, the Alba Varden is a cargo ship headed to South Africa in the morning. Riggs has a look of evil in his eyes that Roger notices. They wipe out the guards and enter a large storage container. Its filled with skids of money, millions of dollars. Roger pulls a stack of 1,000 dollar bills out and says he could put all 3 kids of his kids through college with what’s in his hand. Riggs says to take it. Roger refuses because its drug money*
Warlock: A real hero….not.
*Arjen has the storage locker closed and says the next time the sun hits their skin will be in Cape Town. The storage locker is raised in the air and Riggs says he has an idea. Sure enough, Riggs rigs the car inside the locker and drives out of it. The money flies into the water with the car. Arjen “Our money….just make sure their dead.”
Warlock: I’d dive in and swim after it.
*Riggs and Murtaugh go to town on the South Africans. Riggs shoots one and names all the people killed by them as he empties a whole clip into them “Shapiro, Moss, Wyler, Cavanaugh, Friesen, all of them, for Rika!”
Warlock: Why didn’t he do that to Pieter or Arjen, would have made more sense.
Wizard: The writers have different plans for those two.
*All the South Africans are dead except two. A knife is thrown out of nowhere and nails Riggs in the calf. Pieter comes in for a one on one fight scene. Riggs and Pieter beat the shit out of each other until Riggs guts Pieter with his own knife*
Wizard: Take that you motherfucker.
*Riggs doesn’t finish off Pieter. He walks away. Pieter goes for the gun but Riggs hits a switch and a huge storage container comes down on Pieter, crushing him to death*
Warlock and Wizard together: Say goodnight Dick.
*Riggs is shot a bunch of times by Arjen with a Luger. Roger “Drop it asshole!” Arjen “Diplomatic immunity.” Roger cracks his neck and shoots him between the eyes. “Just been revoked”
Warlock: Oh no, Riggs.
*Roger runs up to Riggs and says “You’re not dead until I tell you, you’re not dead until I tell you.” Riggs tells him to throw away his cigarettes. They start laughing and Roger calls him a son of a bitch. Riggs asks where Arjen is. Roger “They been de-kaffirnated”
Warlock and Wizard: Hahahahaha
*Movie ends with George Harrison’s Cheer Down as they keep laughing*
Warlock: Its the Wilburies.
Wizard: Almost, same drummer, Harrison and Lynne. No Petty or Orbison though.
Wizard had no assessment.
Warlock: One of my favorite movies, 9.5. Point 5 off for some unrealistic stuff
*Back in the present. Warlock stands outside Neyzor Blades’ domain still waiting for her to open the door. He then opens it and its unlocked. He walks into the living room with the dvd in his hand. He puts it on top of the DVD player and realizes there’s another DVD already in the player.*
TO BE CONTINUED