*The Warlock pulls up outside Neyzor Blades’ domain in his red 1958 Plymouth Fury. He’s wearing a black wifebeater, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a dvd box of Lethal Weapon 4. He flashes back to when he was younger and watching the first movie with his father The Grand Wizard*
*The Warlock reads the tag-line*
Warlock: “A veteran cop, Murtaugh, is partnered with a young suicidal cop, Riggs. Both having one thing in common; hating working in pairs. Now they must learn to work with one another to stop a gang of drug smugglers.”
Wizard: Yeah, shoot those bastards.
*Movie opens with Jingle Bell Rock on opening credits. Warlock and Wizard nods their heads along*
Warlock: Merry Christmas everyone.
*Amanda Hunsaker (Jackie Swanson) wakes up in a drug induced high. She snorts a line off the mirror*
Warlock: She don’t lie, she don’t lie, she don’t lie….
*Amanda looks out over the balcony 100 feet below. She steps onto the ledge with her tits hanging out*
Wizard: Looking good, getting better.
*Amanda jumps and lands on top of a car 100 feet below*
Warlock: I don’t think she’s Jimmy Snuka.
Wizard: She dead now.
*Sgt Roger Murtagh (Danny Glover) gets a surprise in his bathroom from his family. His wife Trish (Darlene Love), daughter Rianne (Traci Wolfe), daughter Carrie (Ebonie Smith) and son Nick (Damon Hines). They sing for his birthday and he happily blows out his candles. He’s 50 today*
Warlock: In real life he was 41.
*Sam the Dog (himself) runs to a trailer where Martin Riggs (Mel Gibson) smokes a cigarette while naked*
Warlock: Lots of T and A in this one, for both sides.
*Roger has shaven his graybeard and prepares to go to work by eating bacon for breakfast. Trish casually mentions Michael Hunsaker (Tom Atkins) called. Roger admits he hasn’t seen Michael in 12 years. Roger drops a hint that they were Vietnam buddies as Burbank the Cat (Himself) looks on*
Warlock: Its the Smittens!
*Rianne walks downstairs in a partially revealing dress and he says “God damn heartbreaker”. Meanwhile Riggs loads his gun and puts it in his pants. Riggs gets mad and chucks a beer bottle through his TV, knocking over a picture of him and his deceased wife. He says “I’ll buy you a new one”
Warlock: Guy’s got problems.
*At the shooting range. Roger cracks his neck,draws his old 6 shooter and fires. He’s a crackshot*
Warlock: Nice shooting reverend.
*Riggs is en route to a shootout with a sniper. The plain clothes guy (Henry Brown) says he’s shooting kids and officers. Riggs asks if he’s a crack shot, if he shoots at random or has any hostages. Then he literally walks into the line of vision and asks for Mr. Sniper. The guy shoots at him and Riggs blows him away*
Wizard: Another one bites the dust.
*Roger confronts Dixie (Lycia Naff) who says she saw Amanda jump. Roger figures out why Michael’s been trying to call him, his daughter is the dead hooker. Roger calls Trish and tells her to get Michael’s number. Meanwhile Riggs is making a drug deal with 3 guys (Jimmie F Skaggs, Jason Ronard and Blackie Dammett) while undercover. He says he’ll buy the whole lot of coke. The leader says its worth 100. Riggs pulls out his wallet and counts out 100 dollars which pisses the dealers off*
*The 3 dealers taunt him and Riggs pulls out 3 Stooges tactics to piss them off before drawing a gun on them. A gunman gives away his position and shoots the leader before Riggs takes him out along with a second shooter. The second shooter is alive but wounded. One of the henchmen grabs Riggs and tries to use him as a hostage. Riggs frantically shouts to shoot him and the henchman gets scared*
*Riggs overpowers the guy and points the guy’s gun at his throat before the dealer is taken into custody. Next scene is Sam and Riggs walking inside with a brand new 13 inch color tv*
Wizard: I remember those.
Warlock: Analog tv’s. A dying breed.
*Riggs drinks in sorrow over his dead wife and puts his gun to his head, then in his mouth*
Warlock: If he pulls the trigger, there’s no movie.
*Riggs takes the gun out of his mouth and cries. He says he misses her and he’ll see her later, much later. Meanwhile the police psychologist (Mary Ellen Trainor) talks about Riggs to Captain Ed Murphy (Steve Kahan). She reveals his wife was recently killed in a car accident. She tries to convince Murphy he’s psychotic and suicidal. “If he offs himself, then we’ll know we were wrong.”
Warloc: Yeah really.
*Roger and McCaskey (Jack Thibeau) banter back and forth. Another cop comes in and says the drugs Amanda took would have killed her had she not jumped. Roger spots Riggs and is distracted. Murphy says Roger looked younger WITH the beard. The cop tells Roger that he’s getting a new partner. Riggs pulls out his gun and Roger gets scared.He shouts “Gun!” and makes a beeline toward Riggs. Martin gets in a defensive posture not knowing Roger means HE’S got the gun until he’s rushed. He judo flips Roger to the ground. Roger “I’m too old for this shit.”*
Warlock: Sacked at the 5 yard line.
*Roger and Martin banter back and forth. Riggs is also a Vietnam vet. Roger inspects Martin’s gun, a 9 mm Beretta. Roger says they should register Riggs as a lethal weapon*
Warlock: Title of the movie.
*Riggs says he was transferred because nobody wants to walk with him. Roger says they both got fucked. Next scene is a warehouse where Joshua (Gary Busey) meets Mendez (Ed O’Ross). Mendez gets patted down and is brought before The General (Mitchell Ryan). Mendez is mad General is using mercenaries. General makes Mendez pull out a lighter. He lights Joshua’s arm on fire to show his loyalty to him. Mendez “You guys are fucking gone.” General tells Joshua to get patched up by Endo (Al Leong). General says the heroin will be there Friday night and tells Mendez to have a Merry Christmas*
Warlock: Not the kind of snow they were looking for,
*Roger meets with Michael Hunsaker and says Amanda was murdered. Michael bullshits him about getting her out of trouble. She was into making porn. Michael says Roger owes him one and he wants Roger to kill anyone involved. Roger says he can’t kill them in cold blood. Roger leaves and even Riggs gives Michael a look that he’s crazy*
*Roger explains to Riggs that Michael saved his life in Vietnam. They get a call that someone is threatening to jump and Riggs gets excited. They show up to the scene and Roger says to bring him down. Riggs goes up to the guy on the roof. Riggs tries to talk him out of it. He makes the guy calm down and offers him a cigarette. He reaches for it and Riggs handcuffs himself to the guy and tosses the key. Riggs says now if they jump, it makes him a murderer. The guy threatens to jump and Riggs says they’ll do it together and he jumps with him…..into the air mattress. The guy screams for help as Riggs says they should do it again*
Warlock and Wizard: Hahahaha
*Roger yells at Riggs and gives him the business for pulling a stunt like that. Roger screams at him and asks if he really wants to die. Riggs admits that he does want to die. He says he wakes up every day and thinks of a reason not to eat a bullet. Roger hands Riggs his gun and says to do it. Riggs puts the gun to his chin and pulls the trigger, Roger stopping the chamber at the last second. Roger “You’re not trying to draw a psycho pension. You really are crazy.” Riggs “I’m hungry, I’m gonna go get something to eat.”
Warlock: He was gonna do it.
*Roger makes a call on a car phone to the psychologist who says Riggs is nuts and needs serious help. Roger “I’m too old for this shit.” Roger in the car laments being 50 and losing it all because Riggs has a death wish. Riggs wishes him a belated happy birthday*
*Roger says they’re driving to Amanda’s pimp. Roger says don’t kill him, they’re there to question him. Once they get to the mansion a girl on a bike (Deborah Dismukes) wishes them a Merry Christmas. They wish her one back. Riggs “I saw this place on Lifestyles of the Rich and Shameless”
Warlock: Haha, even better.
*Riggs and Murtaugh look around and sees 2 girls making coke. A dude in sunglasses opens fire with a shotgun and Roger tags him in the leg. Riggs handcuffs the girls to a tree and runs over to Roger. Roger “See how easy that was? Boom! Still alive. Now we question him. You know why we question him? Because I got him in the leg. I didn’t shoot him full of holes or try to jump off a building with him.” Riggs “Hey that’s no fair, the building guy lived.” Roger “Whatever, point being, no killing.” Riggs “No killing, right.” Roger “Right. Piece of cake. Now I’m happy. You read him his rights and I’ll stand over here being happy.” Riggs gets the suspect to his feet who pulls a gun. Riggs “HE’S GOT A GUN!!”
*Riggs stops the guy from shooting Roger, kicks him and shoots him into the pool. They dive in to save the suspect but he’s dead. Roger “You ever met anybody you DIDN’T kill?” Riggs “Well I haven’t killed you yet.” Roger “Don’t do me no favors”. Next frame is an Alka-Selzer commercial*
Wizard: Great product placement.
*Roger apologizes to Martin for yelling at him. Roger brings Martin to his house to meet his family. They share bonding moments as Trish spanks Roger for peeking in on dinner. Rianne runs downstairs and sees Riggs, insta crush*
Warlock: Look at her eyes.
Wizard: Very obvious.
*They continue to banter as Roger notices Rianne staring. Nick beatboxes and Carrie raps that Rianne likes Martin. Riggs and Roger join in*
*Roger sits in his boat with Martin, He reveals he has no intention of taking it out on the water. They go over the case. They theorize that the pimp killed Amanda because she saw something she wasn’t supposed to. Martin turns the boat engine on and Roger freaks because he has no idea how to work it. Meanwhile Rianne asks to go on a date and Roger says she’s grounded for smoking pot. She asks why she can drink but not smoke and Roger says beer is legal, pot isn’t. Martin says he has to hit the road and he thanks Roger for dinner. Roger says if Martin can go one day without killing anyone, he’ll start trusting him. Martin then reveals in Laos he took a guy out from 1,000 yards away with high wind, only eight or ten guys in the world could have made the shot. He says its the only thing he was ever good at. Before he leaves, Roger asks if he liked Trish’s cooking. Riggs “No, see you tomorrow.” Roger smiles*
Warlock: If he doesn’t kill himself, Trish’s cooking will.
*Riggs cruises looking for hookers to interrogate. One of them (Renee Estevez) gets in his car and says she’s sixteen*
Warlock: God damn.
*Riggs hands her a hundred says to come watch 3 Stooges with him. Meanwhile Roger catches Burbank trying to eat stuff. Roger then opens his presents. A kiddie police set, an evidence tape and a yearbook. Roger watches a tape and its Amanda’s sex video with other girls (Cheryl Baker, Terri Lynn Dosse and Sharon K Brecke). Roger looks at the yearbook and Amanda has a twin sister Beverly. Roger shuts the tape off and goes to bed. He’s awoke by Burbank and a cup of coffee from Riggs babbling about the case*
Wizard: I know what that’s like.
*Riggs says they need to go question Dixie. Roger “Gimmie that cup….and..and get outta here!”
*At the shooting range, they speculate that Dixie poisoned Amanda under orders. She bullshitted the story as they banter back and forth. Roger does very well as Riggs is absolutely perfect. Roger tells Riggs to step back and he sets a target and he quickdraws a headshot. Riggs sends the target 400 feet away and shoots a smiley face in the head area of the target*
*Alfred (Donald Gooden) and his friends (Alphonse Philippe Mouzon, Shaun Hunter and Everitt Wayne Collins Jr) chant that Riggs and Murtaugh are gonna bust Dixie. They laugh it off but then Dixie’s house is blown to smithereens with her inside it*
Warlock: WOAH YEAHHHHH
Wizard: Not gonna any answers out of that bitch now.
*Roger pats down Riggs and Martin asks if he’s a fag. Roger says Martin’s jacket is on fire and Riggs quickly sheds it*
Warlock: OH MY HE’S ON FIRE!!
*Riggs and Murtaugh call for backup. The kids ask Martin to do it again. When the firemen (Chris Tashima) show up, Riggs finds parts of the bomb casing. He says this is the work of a professional. The CIA used to hire mercenaries that would set this stuff up. Roger gets intel that the kids saw someone screwing with the gas mane. The gas company says they didn’t send anyone over*
Warlock: A clue.
*A hilarious scene shows Murtaugh trying to question the kids with Riggs scoffing. “Put out on APB on Big Bird.” Alfred identifies Joshua then says that the guy they saw had a drawing. Alfred points to Riggs’ tattoo says its the exact same one he saw. Riggs coldly tells Roger that its a Special Forces tattoo. Roger “What the hell have we gotten into here?”
Wizard: Deep shit.
*Next scene is Amanda’s funeral. Roger confronts Michael and figures out that Amanda wasn’t killed because of what she was into, she was killed because of what Michael was into. Roger asks Michael to get him in touch with the guys involved. Michael says the group is called Air America*
Warlock: Wasn’t Mel Gibson in a movie called that?
Wizard: Yes he was.
Warlock: I should see that someday.
*Michael reveals the rogue group Shadow Company took over the Vietnamese drug trade as a helicopter approaches. Michael says a few years prior Shadow Company had a reunion and have been bringing in heroin ever since, run by ex-CIA. Roger asks why kill the daugther and not him, Michael reasons that they need him and his company as a front. Roger says he’s gonna take them down. Michael says he can’t but Roger is insistent. The helicopter pulls up and Joshua shoots Hunsaker dead. Riggs runs for it and opens fire on the helicopter. Riggs tells Hunsaker’s corpse “You got off easy you son of a bitch.”
Wizard: He dead now.
*The helicopter gets away and Riggs continues to shoot at it. Joshua reports that the LAPD is involved. General says to turn up the heat*
Warlock: Time for a big shootout.
*Riggs on the street asks a hooker (Teresa Kadotani) if she’s seen Dixie or her pimp. Riggs reveals he’s a cop but won’t take her to jail when suddenly a car zooms by and Joshua blows Riggs away with a shotgun*
Warlock: No way.
*Murtaugh nearby runs over to Riggs who’s fine, he was wearing a vest*
Wizard: Smart thinking.
*Riggs tells Murtaugh the same guy who killed Hunsaker shot him. Riggs says they have the edge because they think he’s dead. Murtaugh gets a 187 from the dispatch and he blows it off. When he sarcastically gives the description as a joke, the dispatch says that’s the murder victim. Murtaugh then hightails it and tells Riggs that’s Rianne’s boyfriend*
Warlock: Oh shit….here we go.
*Roger gets a letter from the kidnappers on his door. and a polaroid of her tied up. Trish, Nick and Carrie run out scared. Roger gets a phone call from Joshua to arrange a meeting. Meanwhile Sgt McCaskey gets a phone call from Joshua disguised as with the news. McCaskey tells him Riggs was shot and killed and Joshua hangs up. McCaskey smiles after he hangs up. Joshua tells General that Riggs is dead and General says he wants Murtaugh alive. Meanwhile Riggs and Murtaugh ponder what to do*
Warlock: Kill em all.
*Riggs says to do it his way, shoot everyone and not miss. Riggs “We’re gonna get bloody on this Roger.” Roger “Are you really crazy or as you good as you say you are?” Riggs “You’re gonna have to trust me Roger.” Murtaugh gets a phone call from General saying they don’t want Rianne, they want to know what Hunsaker told Roger. Meet them in the desert at 6 am tomorrow*
Warlock: So no high noon showdown?
*Murtaugh drops Riggs off a mile from the meet point. A chopper and multiple vans make their way toward Roger’s car as Riggs sets up shop nearby. About 12 mercenaries pile out along with General and Joshua. One of the mercs orders Roger to show his hands. Roger pulls out a grenade without the pin in it. Joshua gets out of the limo and says to shoot him. He wouldn’t risk killing Rianne*
Warlock: He’s got him there.
*Riggs has no shot because Roger is in his way. Joshua shoots Roger in the arm and he tosses the grenade at the mercs. He turns and shoots the two closest to the helicopter. Riggs tries to line up a shot. The grenade goes off and its just a flashbang, but it gives Riggs the cover to shoot the 2 guys holding to Rianne. Riggs caps another one in one of the cars as Joshua figures out Riggs is somewhere. Riggs keeps blasting as Rianne gets in one of the cars and drives off. One of the mercs jumps on the windshield but Riggs blows him away*
Warlock: Wiping them all out himself.
Wizard: Still a half hour left, something’s going to go wrong.
*Riggs has Joshua in his sights but General sneaks up on him and takes him hostage. Joshua is delighted and tells the chopper to go get Rianne. 2 mercs shoot up Roger’s car and he surrenders*
Warlock: Good call.
*Riggs recognizes the General as Peter McAllister, the commander of Shadow Company. Riggs taunts him as they walk together by calling SC pussies. Meanwhile the chopper causes Rianne to drive into a ditch. She’s captured as well*
Warlock: Good luck getting out of this one.
Wizard: If they were smart, they should have just killed them right there.
*Endo (Al Leong) prepares to water torture Riggs*
Warlock: Did they do that in Saigon?
*Joshua taunts Riggs and demands him to tell him what he knows about the LAPD’s involvement. He doesnt want to be surrounded by cops when the shipment of heroin comes in. Riggs says he doesn’t know anything and Endo starts electrocuting him. Riggs says he’s gonna kill them both. Meanwhile Roger gets browbeat by the other mercs. Roger tells them to go spit. McAllister orders sulfer poured on Roger’s arm wound and he screams “Go spit you sonovabitch. Fuck you!” McAllister is annoyed. Meanwhile Endo says Riggs doesn’t know anything or he would have talked. Rianne is brought to Roger. Roger threatens to kill them all. Meanwhile Riggs pops up and snaps Endo’s neck with his legs. He frees himself*
Warlock: One down, like 6 to go.
*Roger warns General no to touch Rianne and McAllister says its over.Riggs runs in with Endo on his back and throws him on one of the mercs. He snaps one’s neck and shoots two others. McAllister gets away as Riggs frees Roger. Riggs kills another merc as they make their escape. They run out to the bar and Riggs caps the merc that taunted him earlier*
Warlock: I have a question. Let’s say General and Joshua find a way to kill Riggs and Murtaugh. Their whole crew is dead and the entire LAPD would come after them, how would they even survive?
Wizard: Its only a movie.
*Riggs, Roger and Rianne walk through the club until more mercs appear. Riggs and Murtaugh get away as Joshua runs into the street. Joshua commandeers a woman’s car and Riggs chases after him on foot. A police officer tell Roger to freeze and Roger pulls his badge out. He says to look after Rianne and call for backup. The officer complies*
Warlock: I’m surprised he didn’t get shot on sight.
*Riggs chases Joshua on foot while Roger vows revenge on McAllister*
Wizard: Now its time for the big finale.
*Riggs makes it to an overpass and shoots Joshua’s car until its on fire. He crashes and Riggs chases him on foot. They shoot at each other*
Wizard: No reloading.
*Joshua steals another car and he gets away. Meanwhile McAllister and his last remaining henchmen go to drive away when Murtaugh cracks his neck. “No way you live, no way.” He quickdraws and plugs the driver right between the eyes. McAllister speeds out into the street where he’s plowed into by a bus. McAllister is trapped in the burning car surrounded by heroin. Murtaugh goes to arest him when the car blows*
Warloc: One down. One to go.
Wizard: Blowed up, blowed up real good.
*Riggs runs back to Murtaugh and says Joshua got away. Murtaugh says Joshua could be gunning for his family so they need to hightail it home. Two uniformed officers are waiting outside. Joshua pulls up and shoots both of them, their car running over a fire hydrant. Joshua shoots up the Murtaugh residence. There’s a bumper sticker on the fridge that says “Free South Africa. End Apartheid”
Warlock: Nice set up for the sequel.
*The tv is on and Scrooge asks what day it is. Joshua shoots the TV and says “Goddamn Christmas!”
*Joshua reads a note on the Christmas tree that says “Ain’t nobody here but us cops.” Suddenly a police cruiser plows through the living room and Joshua shoots up the car. There’s nobody in there. Riggs pulls a gun on him and makes him drop the gun. Murtaugh taunts him as Riggs asks him to go one on one. A one on one fight in the hydrant rain commences as every cop in the county show up and surround them. A chopper shows up too*
Warlock: Once again, he’s surrounded, even if he kills Riggs, he’s fucked.
Wizard: He wants to show who the better man is.
*Riggs gets the upperhand but Joshua gets him in a neck lock. Roger shouts to take him but Riggs waves him off. The fight continues and Riggs gets him in a triangle joke. Murtaugh shouts to break his fucking neck but Riggs says its not worth it. “You lose”
Warlock: Winner and still champion, Riggs!
*Roger shouts to the cops “Get that shit off my lawn” as they go to arrest Joshua*
*Joshua grabs one of the officer’s guns but he’s shot dead by both Riggs and Murtaugh*
Warlock: Now its over.
*Riggs visits his wife’s grave. Then he visits the Murtaugh residence. He hands Rianne a bullet and says he won’t need it anymore. Rianne is confused but Riggs tells her Roger will know. Riggs goes to leave but Roger catches him. “After all we’ve been through, if you think I’m going to eat the lousiest Christmas turkey by myself, you’re crazy” He invited Riggs in and Riggs says Rianne likes him. Roger “You touch her I’ll kill ya.” Riggs whistles and Sam the Dog follows him in. Roger says Burbank won’t like that and Riggs says he’s got 5 bucks on Sam. Immediately Sam runs after Burbank as Cassie cries out. Roger “I’m too old for this.” End credits*
*There was no assessment*
Warlock: That was damn good, 8 out of 10.
*Back in present time, Warlock looks at the dvd box and gets out of the car*
TO BE CONTINUED