*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a red wifebeater, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a glass of pepsi*
Warlock: Welcome to my lair…welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.
*Warlock closes his eyes and the lights dim before returning to normal. He walks inside*
Warlock: Tonight is my treat to Mr. America, Trailer Park Boys.
*Mr America is in the recliner wearing green camo fatigues, vest and hat along with black combat boots and aviator shades*
America: Wonderful, but we do movies, not tv shows.
Warlock: That’s just it, we’re doing the movie, not the show.
*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*
Warlock: Absolutely, so let’s get going with Trailer Park Boys.
*The Warlock reads the tag-line*
Warlock: “Ricky, Julian and Bubbles come up with a scheme to steal large amounts of untraceable coins.”
America: They’re always scheming, what else is new?
*Opening credits has Ricky (Robb Wells) calling Julian (John Paul Trenblay) saying he needs to get drunk*
Warlock: How unusual.
*Julian and Bubbles (Mike Smith) call Ricky who lies to Lucy (Lucy Decoutere) that he’s masturbating. Bubbles asks if he should be masturbating while on the phone*
Warlock and America: Hahahaha
*Lucy says Ricky is not allowed to have sex with her in her bed*
America: Hahaha wow.
*Julian and Bubbles pull up and Ricky gets yelled at for going to work. Bubbles “Chicken and banging, that sounds nice”
Warlock: I prefer salmon.
America: Oh you would.
*Bubbles sprays black paint on the ATM. Ricky “Fuckin shitty tools”
*Trevor (Michael Jackson) and Cory (Cory Bowles) show up blasting music. Ricky yells at them and makes them cry. Bubbles makes Ricky apologize. After they leave, Bubbles pulls out the ATM chip but their car rolls backward and into a store window*
America: I’m guessing somebody forgot the e-brake.
*They scramble to get out of there as Ricky ransacks the store window for a million cartons of cigarettes. They have no idea they’re being chased by police helicopter. Bubbles and Ricky starts throwing the cartons out the window*
America: That’s not gonna help.
*Ricky pulls over to take a piss in the middle of a police chase*
*Ricky shouts at the helicopter to not put him pissinh on the news. The cops show up as Ricky says he’s Trevor and Julian is Cory. He bullshits the cops and they actually believe him*
Warlock: They can’t be that stupid.
*Julian blows his cover and Ricky yells at him. The two cops (Gord Downie and Alex Lifeson) arrest them. Graphic shows 18 months later*
Warlock: What happened to Bubbles?
America: He got away I imagine.
*Ricky is the prison goalie as Julian powerlifts*
Warlock: I don’t think anybody is messing with Julian.
America: I love how his mask is a milk carton.
*Donny (Gerry Dee) yells at Ricky and Ricky says Julian shouldn’t be drinking potato vodka. Julian asks Cadillac (Eugene Clark) how he got his name. He says “the big dirty”
Warlock: Guess that’s the movie plot.
America: Every episode is like that.
*Donny has all the prisoners lined up and says Julian and Ricky are free. Cadillac celebrates but Ricky is pissed. He says he’s fixing the hockey tournament and questions Donny’s sexuality. Julian keeps drinking as Ricky protests being thrown OUT of jail*
Warlock: This must be the first time in movie history that someone is thrown OUT of jail.
*Ricky pleads with Donny to let him back in but he tells Ricky to suck it. Meanwhile Bubbles is the crazy cat man making 80 dollars a month until they get out of prison. Ricky’s dad Ray (Barrie Dunn) pretends to be in a wheelchair to scam disability. He picks up Ricky and Julian out of prison with Trevor and Cory right behind*
Warlock: Haha those two.
*Jim Lahey (John Dunsworth) says the Park has new regulations. Randy (Patrick Roach) has forms for Ricky to sign. Julian shakes hands with them and they drive through the gate, Trevor and Cory right behind*
Warlock and America: Hahahaha
*Ricky uses a blowtorch to make a grilled cheese and says Cory and Trevor are like horses, easily scared*
Warlock: Not exactly the four horsemen.
*Ray gives Bubbles encouragement as Ricky runs home to Lucy. He runs into Sarah (Sarah Dunsworth) who is Lucy’s girlfriend. He says he met Lucy because they were banging the same chicks. Ricky wants to see Trinity (Lydia Lawson-Baird) but Sarah slams the door in his face. Meanwhile Julian and Bubbles yell at each other*
Warlock: This is moving right along.
*Bubbles tells Ricky that Lucy got a boob job and works at the Aristocrat strip club now*
Warlock: Ohohohoho man.
*Strippers perform on stage*
Warlock: This movie just got better.
*Julian carries a drink into the strip club*
Warlock: Is that his gimmick?
America: Yes, every show he has a drink in his hand.
*Ricky finds Lucy and confronts her, apparently Trinity is stealing bbq’s again. Sonny (Hugh Dillon) is the owner of the club and he’s banging her too. Ricky is pissed. Meanwhile Cory and Trevor hit the bar. Julian and Bubbles are drinking at the bar. Julian blows off a stripper and Bubbles says “Are you fucked?”
*Ricky tries to hustle Lucy as Julian drinks with the stripper. Sonny tries to accuse Julian of stealing. Julian intimidates him as Bubbles, Trevor and Cory are busted for stealing. Julian says they’ll leave quietly. Outside, Ricky wants to do the big dirty. Bubbles and Julian try to talk him out of it*
Warlock: So is this one of their get rich quick schemes.
America: I told you, all they do is petty crime and theft.
*The quintet put their hands together in unity as Bubbles cat crawls all over Ricky’s car the next day*
Warlock: He’s not having a good morning.
*Bubbles wakes up wearing pajamas and glasses*
Warlock: Who wear glasses in bed?
*Bubbles holds up a cat*
Warlock: Awww der smittens.
*Sarah yells at Ricky as Trinity yells at him for working with Julian. Ricky pulls up to the drive through and bullshits his way into getting free food for Trinity. Ricky says she needs to stop smoking and he pulls lighters and cigarettes away from her*
Warlock: She’s like 10, if that.
America: That’s the point.
*Barb (Shelley Thompson) is pissed about the lot fees*
Warlock: What the hell is a lot fee?
America: I don’t know, paying rent?
Warlock: I wouldn’t pay it either.
America: Why wouldn’t you?
Warlock: I don’t feel like it.
America: Then your ass would be kicked out.
Warlock: They’ll never take me alive.
*The quintet attempt to rob parking meters*
Warlock: Seriously? Somebody walked right by!
*Ricky says he’s got better tools and he runs over the parking meters with his car. Everyone looks around and Ricky bullshits everyone until Cory gets his clothes ripped off. Bubbles is shocked. Ricky says this is bullshit and goes to find the big dirty. Meanwhile Jim and Randy yell at each other*
Warlock: What in the world is this?
*Jim says he’s got Ricky, Julian and Bubbles cold on unpaid lot fees. Meanwhile Julian lets the stripper Wanda (Nichole Hiltz). Julian pays for a movie with the parking meter money. Wanda and Julian get high in the ladies room with shocked ladies and girls in other stalls*
*Wanda shows Julian her new bra as security shows up. Julian spots a huge gumball machine full of change and has an epiphany. Meanwhile Bubbles and Ricky can’t get one of the meters open. Julian pulls up and says he found their next score. Julian asks Bubbles if he’s in, he is*
Warlock: Are you in?
America: Why would I be in?
*Bubbles catches himself in saran wrap as Randy and Jim confront him. Bubbles makes fun of Randy as Jim says the shed is condemned. Bubbles calls him a shit drunk bastard and Jim downs a whole bottle walking back to the car*
Warlock: He did that in one take, haha that was cool. The camera didn’t cut and he downed the whole fucking bottle.
*Ricky says he’s going to the strip club that night. J-Roc (Jonathan Torrens) and Tyrone (Tyrone Parsons) are introduced. Meanwhile Ricky walks into the VIP room of the Aristocrat and asks Lucy for a lapdance. They share bonding moments until Sonny shows up. He says he’s not allowed lapdances from his girlfriend. Ricky is pissed as Julian and Wanda walk in. Ricky leaves and Sonny pulls a gun. Julian says Sonny is lucky. Meanwhile Julian confronts Lucy saying Ricky misses her. Julian invites Wanda to the party. Cory and Trevor run around the party with J-Roc and Tyrone sharing DJ duties. Ricky opens his mail and sees the party*
Warlock: His car doesn’t have a door.
*Julian and Wanda pull up. Randy “FOR FUCK SAKES, FUCK OFF WITH THE FIREWORKS!”
*Ricky gets high in his car as Darren (Glen Grant) says he misses him in prison. Meanwhile Lucy sits in the backseat of his car with him. Lucy says she loves him, he admits he fucked up*
Warlock: Oh great, mush mush scene.
America: I like how the number of times Sonny and Lucy fucked keeps getting less and less each time.
*Bubbles dances with a fine looking black woman while J-Roc dances with a fine looking white woman. Julian and Wanda make out while he holds his drink. He says he may go back to jail and Wanda says she’s fine with it*
Warlock: Well that was pointless.
*Randy and Jim sneak up on the party. J-roc introduces the two girls as Galaxy (Natasha Noreiga) and Dazzle (Veronica Reynolds). Ricky grabs the mic and proposes to Lucy while smoking a cigarette. She takes a shot and says promise her not go back to jail. She says “Yeah fuck it I’ll marry you” Sarah is pissed as Wanda shouts to show her tits. Lucy shows them and Randy “Those are big Mr. Lahey” Sarah says its embarrassing*
*Randy and Jim clear out the shed of all the cats and drive their car into it. Meanwhile Bubbles chills with the cats outside. Warlock makes cat noises*
America: Cut it out.
*Bubbles notices the shed destroyed and gets pissed when he finds Jim’s bottle of booze. All the cats run into a less than delighted Ricky’s car. Bubbles goes nuts with nunchucks. Cory and Trevor holds him back as Jim and Randy pull up. Ricky gives him the double middle finger. Ricky and Randy start brawling. Bubbles and Jim brawl as the real cops show up. The trio are evicted and have 30 days to leave. Ricky “You’re gonna pay for this Jim”
Warlock: Uh oh.
*Julian and Bubbles ponder what to do. Julian says do the big dirty today. Julian says if they pull it off, they can pay off Barb. Bubbles is in. Meanwhile Ricky drinks rainwater*
Warlock: That’s innovative.
*Julian recruits Ricky for the big dirty, Ricky is too distraught. Cory and Trevor give him a pep talk. Ricky is in*
Warlock: This can’t be the big finale.
*The quintet scope the movie theater and wear pantyhose on their head. Ricky takes the clerks and locks them in the kitchen. They spray paint all the security cameras and knock over the gumball machine. They scope a bunch of a change but Trevor hits the fire alarm. Everybody runs out and sees them. The patrons take pictures of them as they run out to their car, put the change in Ricky’s car and drive away*
Warlock: This would have been a perfect one hour special if it ended right here.
America: Yeah, for once the Trailer Park Boys pull off a heist and don’t get caught!
*Julian toasts the successful heist and tells Ricky to go hang with Lucy and Trinity. Ricky group hugs. He then goes to Trinity and says no more stealing and selling, he gives his cut to her and says he’s going to get Lucy a ring*
Warlock: Oh more mush mush.
*Ricky and Lucy kiss with a cat standing guard*
Warlock: The cat is their bodyguard.
America: That’s not a very good bodyguard.
*Ricky buys a ring for 125 dollars and tells Trinity and Ray they’re apart of the wedding. He spots Donny and insults him into a false sense of security. Yhen Donny sucker punches him. His kids high five him as Trinity drives him to the hospital. Meanwhile Jim and Randy show up to the police department. Jim yells at George (George Green) as Ted (Jim Swansburg) says he’s gonna go check out the cars Jim says are stolen, if they come back clean then Jim is not to come back, ever*
Warlock: If only it were that easy.
*Ted, George, Randy and Jim take pictures as Wanda, Sarah, Lucy, Trinity show up. Bubbles is wearing a tuxedo shirt*
America: Nice shirt Bubbles.
*Minister (Paul MacLeod) says they’re here to honor the marriage of Richard and Lucy*
Warlock: No last names?
*Ricky spouts off hilarious wedding vows and Lucy follows with equally ridiculous wedding vows*
*Just as Ricky places the ring on Lucy’s finger and is pronounced man and wife, Sonny pulls up. Julian kisses Wanda as well. Sonny walks up and pulls a gun on Ricky. Sonny shows the gun is real by shooting holes in Ricky’s car which the change starts falling out. Bubbles and Julian plugs up the holes. Lucy talks Sonny out of it as cops show up. Julian takes a drink. Jim tries to make a speech as Ted says he’ll handle it. Ted asks who shot the gun and nobody says anything. Ted arrests Wanda who’s really a con artist and Julian kisses her goodbye. Tyrone and Cory are watching on. Wanda rats out Sonny for the gun and they arrest him too. Bubbles frantically picks up change as George and Jim go to signal the cops, but they leave. Jim and Ricky play a game of chicken. Bubbles freaks out*
*Ricky wins the game and Jim flips his car. Ricky turns to taunt them but plows into a police cruiser. The change flies everywhere*
Warlock: Awwwwwwwwwwww man.
*At the trial, the judge (Jeremy Akerman) wants to find Ricky in contempt of court. Mrs. Brown (Jennifer Overton) and Mr. Stevenson (Gary Levert) are the lawyers. Ricky says Jim should take a breathalyzer test and if Jim doesn’t pass, his testimony should be stricken from the record. Jim takes the test as we get a closeup of the boys. Jim fails the test and the judge throws the case out*
*Judge orders the change returned to the Boys. Cory and Trevor are sentenced to 30 days in jail and 750 hours of community service. Judge threatens Ricky with a week in jail and Ricky gets the bright idea to take the week so he can play in the hockey game. He tells the whole court to fuck off and the next frame is Ricky playing the game with Trevor and Cory watching*
*Donny comes down on a breakaway and Ricky stopped him cold, Darren scored the winning goal. Trevor and Cory pants Donny as Ricky says he can grow dope in peace now. We get end credits over a montage of Bubbles turning his shed into a cat show. Ricky uses the change to buy Trinity stuff. Bubbles and Julian drive around as Jim and Randy drive around with no roof*
Mr. America’s Assessment: 5 out of 10
The Warlock’s Assessment: I give it a 6 out of 10, it was good.
Final Grade: 5.5 out of 10 – Above Average
*Warlock rises from the couch*
Warlock: Well that was fuckin fun. If you’re fuckin looking for a philosophical or Citizen Kane like movie then get the fuck out of here.
America: Fuckin right. This is supposed to be for the fuckin fans of Trailer Park Boys, not the fuckin idiots at the Oscars.
Warlock: Fuckin right. Its great for the fuckin fans. That about wraps up another fuckin adventure. Have a pleasant fuckin evening.