PREVIOUSLY ON WARLOCK’S MOVIE REALM
*Mr. America and The Warlock are preparing to watch A Cab For 3*
Warlock: Tonight’s inconvenience is A Cab For 3, a Spanish movie about crooked taxi services
Mr. America: Spanish? Why the hell are we watching a Spanish movie?
Warlock: Its not the movie I wanted.
Mr. America: You’re an idiot.
*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a blue wifebeater, jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a wine glass of root beer*
Warlock: Welcome to my lair…welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.
*Warlock does a 360 spin and drives inside*
Warlock: Tonight’s movie is Taxi 3, a French movie about 2 rogues trying to stop a gang.
*Mr. America is in the recliner wearing green camo fatigues, vest and hat along with black combat boots and aviator shades*
America: Why are we watching a French movie?
Warlock: Sylvester Stallone is in it.
America: Wait, didn’t we already do a movie with taxi’s?
Warlock: Yeah, the Spanish movie A Cab For 3. THIS is what I was gunning for a year ago.
America: You sure this time?
*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*
America: You absolutely sure?
America: Hope you’re right.
Warlock: Oh let’s get this started then.
*The Warlock reads the tag-line*
Warlock: “Out to stop a new gang disguised as Santa Claus, Emilien and Daniel must also handle major changes in their personal relationships.”
America: Disguised as Santa Claus? Don’t imagine a very merry santas.
*Movie opens with the credits and a motorbike wipeout*
*Dude in suit steals bike from irate kids*
Warlock: Yeah who needs a plot right?
*Chase scene has bike dude being chased by motorcycle and roller blading gang. Dude goes to steal skateboard but kids pull guns on him*
Warlock: And you think the USA has a gun problem?
*Guy pulls off his helmet revealing himself to be a VIP (Sylvester Stallone)
*Daniel (Samy Naceri) sticks his head out and VIP bribes him with American money*
Warlock: That would be worthless in France.
*Daniel hits a switch and the cab turns into a ferrari*
Warlock: James Bond would be proud.
*Daniel puts on Dick Dale’s Miserlou as he drives through the streets to avoid the gang. He says there’s no tourists in Marisale in the winter*
Warlock: No problem.
*Two guys at the toll both say Daniel can’t get caught. The police have a new weapon though*
Warlock: The police have a new weapon.
America: I’m not impressed.
*Police chase after Daniel. He drives faster than the TGV bullet train. VIP is shocked*
Warlock: Yeah, that’s impressive.
*VIP gets to airport in 19 minutes 31 seconds. He’s raised by a harness to a chopper overhead*
America: Nice Huey.
*Parody of James Bond opening credits to French rap song*
*Emilien (Frederic Diefenthal) wakes up next to a blonde gitl and says he’s having a nightmare. He puts a cigarette in his mouth backwards. He soaks it with water*
America: I don’t remember lighting a cigarette that way.
*Emilien and girl talk about his nightmares and says he’s going to work at 3 AM. He opens the door to a closet and walks in, bashing his head*
*Brunette girl wakes up alone and goes downstairs at 4 AM. The girl’s name is Lily (Marion Cotillard). She’s mad that he’s fixing his cars instead of sleeping. She ‘s sick of living in a mechanic’s garage and wants him to be a better bf*
Warlock: She just wrecked him.
America: Smells like turpentine?
*Lily leaves Daniel as rasta dude drives a cab to the station to I Shot The Sheriff*
Warlock: Did you shoot the Sheriff?
*Rasta guy walks in on sleeping Emelien. He’s out cold on his desk*
Warlock: Napping on the job.
*Guy walks in with huge bag of weed. Its Rachid (Patruce Abbou) and Rasta Guy has to turn him down. Emilien goes nuts over the Santa Claus gang. Rasta guy and Emilien goes to breakfast*
Warlock: Want a croissant?
America: Nah, I’m quite alright.
*Emilien spots a Santa Claus with a gun. He chases off after him. 4 guys get out of the van with guns and Emilien dives and tackles Santa*
Warlock: Sacked at the 5 yard line.
*Emilien and Rasta arrest Santa and bring him into the Chief’s office but he’s not there*
America: The guy they arrested is probably the Chief.
*Its revealed Santa IS Commissaire Gilbert (Bernard Farcy)*
Warlock: Good call.
*Rasta guy is Alain (Edouard Montoute) and he runs away as soon as its revealed*
Warlock: He’s fired.
*Emilien runs into Qiu (Bai Ling) and he’s lovestruck*
Warlock: There’s your love interest…sort of.
*Qiu introduces herself to Gilbert who hits on her badly*
Warlock: Good grief.
*Qiu is there with a magazine to do an interview with the French police. Meanwhile Petra (Emma Wiklund) is the blonde girl from earlier. Emilien tries to blow her off because he tried to arrest Gilbert. Petra reveals she’s pregnant. Emilien asks since when, she says eight months ago. She’s eight months along and Emilien had no idea*
America: I don’t find it funny, I find him to be a moron.
*Emilien faints and Daniel wakes up alone, Lily has moved out*
Warlock: Less than an hour left.
*Daniel finds a pregnancy test and finds 2 lines on it. The pharmacist (Bonnafet Tarbouriech) brings his daughter Angele (Shirley Kohn) to analyze the test. They argue about her drunken escapades*
*Gilbert gives a pep talk to the detectives to find the Santa gang in front of Qiu. He opens a present and its a toy police van. Inside is a ransom message saying the bank will be robbed at noon. Alain says that’s 5 minutes*
Warlock: Wasting no time.
*A monster truck runs over Gilbert’s car with him, Qiu, Alain and Emilien inside*
*Police “How do we stop the monster truck?” Gilbert “I don’t know”
*Alain pulls his badge and tries to commandeer a car, it runs him over. Emilien “Black and a cop, no chance”
Warlock: Haha wow.
*Monster truck runs over every car on the street*
Warlock: Its the French Gravedigger!
*Monster truck plows through someone’s yard*
Warlock: Awwww the lawn gnome just bought it.
*Chase scene continues with several bad puns. They almost drive into the pool and a series of car crashes push them in. The car is perfectly safe underwater depsite Alain saying he can’t swim. Meanwile Daniel rings Lily’s doorbell but General Bertineau (Jean Christophe Bouvet) answers. Lily is his daughter. Daniel gives them both a lift*
Warlock: Are we gonna get some plot now?
*General wonders why the cab is moving so slow*
America: I love how the General is completely oblivious he’s got a pregnancy test behind his ear.
*General spots the test and Daniel says its a blood pressure test. 2 lines says he’s not okay. General says he’s not okay*
*Gilbert falls head over heels over his own chair*
*Qui works Gilbert’s computer and puts him to sleep. Meanwhile she steals his hard drive*
America: She’s in on it.
*Daniel pulls up to Police HQ and General pukes*
Warlock: Mind if I eat?
*Daniel and Emilien finally meet 45 minutes into the movie. They’re both going to be baby daddies with a homoerotic scene with Emilien feeling up Daniel. Daniel says Lily is 2 lines pregnant. Meanwhile Gilbert is busted by General and his men*
*Daniel and Emilien smoke weed and chat. Emilien spots one of the Santa Claus gang on a motorbike. Emilien makes Daniel follow him*
America: Considering there’s no other traffic on the road, shouldn’t be too hard to figure out that you’re following him.
*Daniel drives on the car’s edges to follow through the streets*
Warlock: Indian’s call it “Bypassing the system”
*Daniel trails the biker to the hideout. Emilien goes to jump from roof to roof but he trips and falls into the dumpster. 6 Santas walk out and kidnap Emilien as Daniel gets a phone call from Lily saying she found a doctor to assist her pregnancy. Qui is the leader of the Santa gang*
Warlock: He’ll talk.
*Qui blows Emilien as he gets a call from Petra*
*Daniel tells Gilbert and Alain that Emilien has been kidnapped. Gilbert is oblivious but Alain is in on the rescue. Meanwhile Qui asks Gilbert if she can come along. Daniel is skeptical*
Warlock: This is not gonna end well.
America: No, of course not.
*The French army use armed APC’s*
America: Yeah that’s accurate.
*Qui calls her gang in Cantonese and warns them to get lost. Gilbert has no idea and tells his men to move in. They all get away on roller blades. Gilbert chases after them on a bicycle. Qui gets in the Chief’s car and turns the siren on. Daniel follows close behind*
Warlock: Too much time left for the big finish.
*Gilbert rides after the rollerbladers with Alain close behind on foot*
Warlock: Hahaha he’s running after them.
*The bladers drag a tied up Emilien over to the van. The chopper is going to leave soon. She rigs a 5 minute wrecking ball*
Warlock: 5 minutes movie time?
America: He’s got all day.
*Emilien says he needs a miracle. Daniel shows up and he jumps into the cab’s trunk, safely*
Warlck: He’s in a rolling chair…he could have rolled away in 5 minutes. I would have been halfway down main street.
*Daniel and Emilien talk about Qui. They look for clues*
Warlock: I’ve seen better detective work on Blue’s Clues.
*Emilien figures out the gang is in Switzerland. They drive there*
Warlock: Oh boy, scenery.
America: I love how they went from being in a hurry to just cruising.
*Daniel and Emilien pull the 3 Stooges point to the left joke*
Warlock: Right out of the Stooges.
*Daniel nearly runs over a bunch of skiiers chasing Qui’s van*
America: I love how his car isn’t marked at all and this school thinks he’s part of it.
Warlock: A French cab can drive to the Swiss alps and nobody cares or notices.
*Qui strips in front of her gang, they all stop to watch*
*Emilien gets a call from the General. They’re patratooping in, Gilbert and Alain wear ridiculous costumes*
Warlock: Alain is from Andre the Giant’s home town.
*Emilien falls into a hole*
*Another chase scene as Daniel driving after the skiiers down the mountain*
America: One of the least anti-climatic chase scenes ever.
*French paratroopers jump out of plane as Gilbert forgets to unharness himself. He falls down several times*
America: What are you doing? That is a legit transport plane though.
*Qui’s gang makes it to the chopper. The paratroopers surround and arrest her as Dnaiel and Emilien pull up. Emilien gets his cell phone back as she’s hauled off. Gilbert parachutes into an ice pit. Emilien goes to save him but gets a phone call from Petra, she’s having a baby. He celebrates but forgets to save Gilbert. Daniel drives Emilien to the hospital to watch the child being born*
Warlock: How every movie is the same when it comes to this stuff?
*Emilien shouts to Petra to push and she spits out the baby*
Warlock: Mazeltov! Its a boy!
*Daniel confronts Lily and they argue back and forth. He then proposes and at first she bullshits him. He then gets on one knee and she says they need to make love for an hour in the intensive care room. Meanwhile a frostbitten Gilbert is wheeled away. End credits*
Warlock: Yay, its over.
Mr. America’s Assessment: I give it a 5, wasn’t crap, wasn’t great. It was an entertaining watch.
The Warlock’s Assessment: I’ll agree to that. If Stallone was in it, nobody in the US would give two shits about this. Still, not bad, not great. 5 out of 10
Final Grade: 5 out of 10 – Average.
*Warlock rises from the couch*
Warlock: It took a whole year but we finally finished Taxi 3. The fast talking French got to me but it was worth a look. Not great but not the worst either. Definitely better than A Cab For 3, that’s for sure. That about wraps up another averagetastic adventure….
Warlock: Wait, this has been on my shelf for roughly a year…and its over.
America: Yeah, wonderful. Time to move on.
Warlock: Yeah…. you’re right.
*Warlock looks over and see’s Saw 5 at the bottom of the pile*
Warlock: Soon…very soon. Have a pleasant evening.