134. Deadpool (2016)

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*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a gray wifebeater, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a mug of root beer*

Warlock: Welcome to my lair…welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.

*Warlock shoots fire inti the sky in the shape of an American flag before walking inside*

Warlock: Happy 4th of July from all of us at the Realm. Tonight rather than do cliched movies or something with a patriotic theme, we’re going to do something completely different.

*Neyzor Blades is in the recliner wearing a black and white striped dress*

Neyz: Yeah, god forbid you do something that makes sense.

Warlock: Tonight’s film is Deadpool, the 2016 Marvel action film starring Ryan Reynolds in a role where he does zero acting.

Neyz: Wait, THAT Deadpool?

Warlock: Yeah, what else would we be doing?

Neyz: I thought we were doing that Clint Eastwood movie again. This sounds much better.

*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*

Warlock: So lets get started with Deadpool.

 

*The Warlock reads the tag-line*

Warlock: “A former Special Forces operative turned mercenary is subjected to a rogue experiment that leaves him with accelerated healing powers, adopting the alter ego Deadpool”

Neyz: Didn’t he already play a guy that had his mouth sewn shut?

Warlock: The whole world is going to pretend we never saw that.

 

*Movie opens with hilarious credits. Some Douchbag’s Film. Starring God’s Perfect Idiot, A Hot Chick, etc. Produced by asshats, directed by an overpaid tool*

Warlock and Neyz: Hahahahaha

 

*Wade “Deadpool” Wilson (Ryan Reynolds) rides a Hindi cab. He reads a flier for a haunted tour. Dopinder (Karan Soni) is the driver. Deadpool gives him a peptalk on love. Deadpool pulls his mask off and scares Dopinder*

Warlock: BArffffff

 

*Some British villain is going over an arms deal. The younger one chokes Warlord (Michael Benyaer). The younger one is Ajax (Ed Skrein). Warlord “Fucking mutant”

Warlock: Welcome to R rated Marvel.

 

*Deadpool pays for the cab fare with a high five*

Warlock: Bahahahaha wish I could do that.

 

*Deadpool says he had to fondle Wolverine’s ballbag to get his own movie*

Warlock: Gross.

 

*Deadpool draws a picture of Francis and kills terrorists looking for him. He shows his 3rd grade drawing to an irate terrorist “Have you seen this man?”

Warlock: Yeah he’s right up the street.

 

*Deadpool causes a 10 car pileup*

Warlock: Great, now I have to deal with traffic.

 

*Collosus (Stefan Kapicic) and Warhead (Brianna Hildebrand) spot Deadpool on the news and go to recruit him for Xavier’s School For The Gifted*

Warlock: Nice product placement.

 

*Terrorists shoot at Deadpool. He stops them all and goes on a rant. He then fires 12 bullets and counts down each one*

Warlock: Bad Deadpool

Neyz: Good Deadpool

 

*Deadpool gets shot in the ass*

Neyz: Right up his ass?

 

*Deadpool “I’m touching myself tonight”

Neyz: Yum.

 

*Deadpool in a voiceover says he’s not a hero. Gavin (Kyle Cassie) gets pizza from Jeremy (Style Dane). Deadpool is looking for Meghan (Taylor Hickson) and warns Jeremy not to look at her*

Warlock: Haha.

 

*Meghan hugs Wade and calls him a hero, he scoffs.”I’m just a bad guy who gets paid to fuck up worse guys.”

Warlock: Wonderful.

 

*Wade consorts with Buck (Randal Reeder), Weasel (TJ Miller) and Boothe (Isaac Singleton Jr). A brawl develops and Boothe lives. Weasel bet on Wade to die, Wade is pissed*

Warlock: There would be no movie.

 

*Vanessa (Morena Baccarin) introduces herself to Wade. Buck gooses her and she grabs his balls. He walks away after apologizing. Vanessa and Wade hit on each other weirdly*

Warlock: I want the Yogurtland rewards card.

 

*Weasel “Did she just put a gift card in your mouth?”

Warlock: I thought it was a bank card.

 

*Wade plays skeball instead of fucking*

Warlock: Balls in holes.

 

*He wants the Voltron ring and she gets the pencil eraser. They fuck for 13 seconds to Calendar Girl that turns into a year long thing*

Warlock: I love I love I love my calandar girl.

 

*Wade makes a joke about stopping by between the holidays*

Warlock: You sonovabitch, that’s my holiday.

 

*Wade asks to marry her while she asks for him to anal her*

Neyz: Hahahahhaa, nice bum Ryan.

 

*Wade proposes and she says yes. They snuggle and kiss*

Neyz: Hahahahaha

 

*Wade in a voice over says life is like an endless train wreck. He collapses and apparently has late stage cancer. Vanessa asks what she can do to help as he stares at her*

Neyz: Oh no, that sucks.

 

*Meanwhile back in the present time, Deadpool spots a biker getting away and he wipes out. Deadpool beats the holy hell out of Ajax aka Frances. Deadpool says Frances is responsible for turning him into a freak. He goes to kill him when Colossus throws him sideways*

Warlock: Why’d he stop him? Boooooo.

 

*Back in the past, Wade says his most prized posession is a WHAM record*

Neyz: Heh.

 

*Vanessa and Wade argue because Wade is leaving her because he doesn’t want her to see him die*

Warlock: I know what he means.

 

*Wade hits up the bar and Weasel can tell something’s wrong*

Warlock: Why doesn’t Wade fall down randomly and Weasel just stare at him?

Neyz: This is not anime.

 

*A recruiter (Jed Rees) says he knows Wade has cancer. He says he may be able to help him cure the cancer. Wade is skeptical and calls him Agent Smith*

Warlock: Mister Anderson.

 

*Wade keeps calling him a child predator then leaves. He cries in the rain later*

Neyz: Awwwww

 

*Wade “I dreamt I kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, he just wasn’t having it”

Warlock: HAHAHAHAHA

 

*He leaves Vanessa and back to present time, he crashes into a car after Colossus throws him. Deadpool is confronted by Colussus and Warhead. Deadpool makes fun of Warhead and he destroys her personal character. He calls Colossus a cock gobbler. Colossus “That’s not nice”

Warlock: Hahahaha

 

*Francis pulls the sword out*

Warlock: Fuck this shit I’m outta here.

 

*Deadpool breaks his hands and foot on Colossus*

Warlock: Hahahahaha

 

*Colossus handcuffs him and drags him. Deadpool cuts his own arm off to get free as Colossus pukes*

Warlock: Mind if I eat?

 

*Deadpool escapes and we flash back to Wade on a gurney with Recruiter taunting him*

Neyz: Why would he go there?

 

*Wade gets strapped in. Angel Dust (Gina Carano) holds his mouth shut as Francis aka Ajax looks him over. Ajax is using Wade as a guinea pig. Angel and Ajax are former patients as well. Ajax leaves and we get a montage of Wade getting beat up to the tune of Mr. Sandman*

Warlock: Bum bum bum bum.

 

*David Cunningham (Hugh Scott) and Wade banter back and forth. Wade calls Ajax by his real name Francis and makes fun of him. Wade says this can’t get any worse, Ajax “Is that what you think?”

Warlock: Oh wonderful.

 

*Ajax reveals they’re not making him a superhero but a super slave to be auctioned off. Ajax starts up the torture machine. Eventually Wade finally mutates*

Warlock: What the hell?

 

*Ajax says he’s cured the cancer by turning him into a monster. Angel says Wade smells like shit and he headbutts her in the nose. Ajax holds her back and says “Off you go”

Warlock: British slang.

 

*Later its revealed Wade stole a match from Angel and he lights it, blowing up the entire room*

Neyz: Holy shit.

 

*Ajax runs down to inspect the damage. Wade attacks him and they brawl. Wade is naked*

Neyz: Yummmm

 

*Ajax impales Wade with a pole and curves it. Ajax “What’s my name?” Wade spots David dying nearby and we cut here*

Neyz: What about the girl?

 

*Wade wakes up with the whole building burnt down. He gets to his feet and we cut to Vanessa. He’s wearing a hood to cover his burnt face and bald head*

Neyz: Oh god.

 

*He can hear everyone talk around him, saying how horrible he looks*

Warlock: He can dish it out but he can’t take it?

 

*Wade confers with Weasel. Weasel “Vanessa loves you, she won’t care what you… (Wade pulls his hood off) woahhhhhh….you look like an avocado.”

Warlock and Neyz: Hahahahaha

 

*Weasel says he looks like Freddie Krueger. Wade “I’m gonna force him to fix this, put a bullet in his skull and fuck the brain hole.” Weasel “I don’t wanna see that or think of it again”

Warlock: Hahahahahaha.

 

*Weasel says he needs to wear a mask all the time and he’s haunting. He’ll die alone. Weasel says he needs a suit and a nickname. Wade remembers the dead pool and names himself Deadpool. They clink their glasses together. Now we get a montage of him putting various costumes together. Blind Al (Leslie Uggams) says he’s an idiot*

Warlock: Bahahaha

 

*Wade goes through various scumbags while threatening to run over someone in a zamboni…in five minutes since it moves so slow*

Warlock: Hahahahaha

 

*Deadpool chases Recruiter and says he has 89 confirmed kills. He turns the camera way before he does something to Recruiter*

Neyz: I wonder what he did.

 

*We fast forward through the cab scene at the beginning of the movie but we stop to see him kissing a stuffed skunk*

Warlock: We weren’t meant to see that.

 

*Back in the dump track, we get “Hit The Road Jack” and the Garbage Driver (Darcey Johnson) smiles at him. Deadpool tells the camera he’s living with Blind Al*

Neyz: She’s got one of those things.

 

*Blind Al and Deadpool banter back and forth. Meanwhile Ajax and Angel Dust ponder what to do about Wade. Meanwhile Wade’s hand is growing back really slowly*

Warlock: Hahahaha baby hands.

 

*Meanwhile Ajax and Angel show up to Weasel’s bar. They ask where Wade is. Angel grabs the picture of Vanessa and everyone in the bar pulls a gun. Weasel taunts them as they leave. Weasel calls Wade to warn him. Meanwhile Wade hits up the titty bar and the DJ (Stan Lee) says to give it up for Chastity*

Warlock: Ha, Stan Lee.

 

*Wade finds Vanessa in the titty bar. He goes to see her but he chickens out*

Warlock: Come on you pussy.

 

*The owner tells Vanessa an old boyfrienfd is waiting outside. She goes outside*

Neyz: That chick is gonna strong arm her.

 

*Vanessa thinks its Wade but its Ajax. She gets knocked flat by Angel. Inside Weasel tells Wade she went outside. He walks outside and she’s gone. He spots the purse on the ground and he freaks, Weasel trying to calm him down*

Warlock: That’s really not going to help.

 

*Wade’s cell goes off and Francis says to meet him. Weasel and Blind Al pack Deadpool for battle. Weasel “I’d go with you but…I don’t want to”

Warlock and Neyz: Hahahahahhaa

 

*Angel and Ajax have Vanessa tied up and she calls him dickless. Deadpool goes and gets both Warhead and Colussus. Wade says “I always come to Xavier’s and its just you two. its like the studio couldn’t afford another X-Man*

Warlock: Making fun of itself, I like it.

 

*Dopinder gives Deadpool, Warhead and Colossus a lift. Dopinder reveals his romantic rival is tied up in the trunk. Deadpool to Colossus “I did NOT tell him to do that”

Warlock and Neyz: Hahahaha.

 

*Dopindar gets paid with a high ten and Deadpool says to kill the rival. We get a slow motion walk with Colossus, Warhead and Deadpool to DMX’s X Gon Give It To Ya until Warhead realizes Deadpool forgot his guns in the cab*

Warlock: Bahaahaahha

 

*Deadpool calls Dopinder but he crashes into a truck. Deadpool says forget the bag and resumes the walk*

Warlock: This song came out before most kids today were born.

 

*Ajax and Angel taunt Deadpool. Angel blasts Colossus halfway down the street and Deadpool turns to Angel…who’s tweeting much to Deadpool’s dismay*

Warlock: Hahahahaha

 

*Warhead blasts Angel and we get a brawl. Colossus and Angel fight as Deadpool tries to tell the henchmen to give it up. They refuse so he wipes them out with his sword. He curses and Colossus says “Language!” Deadpool “Suck a cock!”

Warlock: Hahaha

 

*Colossus gets the upperhand*

Warlock: Chokeslam by Colossus.

 

*Colossus whips Angel from pillar to post. He recognizes Bob (Rob Hayder) and refuses to kill him. He knocks him out though. Colossus calls Angel beautiful and she punches him in the gonads*

Warlock: Owwwwww

 

*Deadpool taunts Ajax by spelling out Francis in dead bodies*

Warlock: Interesting.

 

*Warhead launches Deadpool head over heels off a giant building*

Warlock: Little too far there.

 

*Ajax has Vanessa in the oxygen tube and cuts the power. Deadpool and Ajax go one on one*

Warlock: 20 minutes left, too soon for the final battle.

 

*Deadpool and Ajax brawl. Angel goes to finish off Colossus. Vanessa gets free and impales Ajax with the sword. Deadpool has a knife sticking out of his head as he sees cgi animals around Vanessa. He says he’s gonna fuck Vanessa as Ajax throws her to the side. Warhead then detonates herself which nearly blows everyone away.  Colossus runs away with Angel and Warhead*

Warlock: He’s gonna get laid tonight.

 

*Deadpool launches Vanessa away as the scenery crumbles*

Warlock: This can’t be the end, we got 15 minutes left.

 

*Warhead and Colossus save Vanessa. Ajax and Deadpool continue the action. Deadpool beats the living shit out of him. Ajax says there is no cure for his disfigurement. Deadpool goes to kill him but Colossus stops him. He goes on a rant about 4 of 5 moments to be a hero*

Warlock, Deadpool and Ajax: Ughhhhhhhhhh

 

*Colossus continues his speech until Deadpool shoots Ajax in the head, killing him. Colossus pukes*

Warlock: Hahahahaha

 

*Deadpool has no idea what he’s gonna say to Vanessa. She beats him up but he stops her from punching him in the nuts. He says he’s disfigured and Vanessa goes to take it off. He has a Hugh Jackman People magazine cutout as a second mask*

Warlock: Hahahahaha

 

*Vanessa unmasks him for real this time. She says after a bunch of drinks and a brief adjustment period that she’ll be happy to sit on his face. Deadpool says he has a super penis and Colossus says “Language Wade!”  Deadpool tells him and Warhead to get lost. He then kisses her to WHAM*

Neyz: Yay *claps*

 

*Deadpool “See, you don’t need to be a superhero to get the girl. He sings I’m Never Gonna Dance Again” as the credits roll*

Warlock: Don’t you even think about moving from the spot you’re in right now.

 

*Shoop plays over the credits*

Warlock: Kids today have no idea what song this is. This came out when we were kids.

Neyz: *sings along*

 

*After the credits Deadpool in a bathrobe tells the fans to go home and says there’s no teaser for Deadpool 2…..until he says Cable will be in the sequel*

Warlock: He just ripped off CM Punk……but FINALLY we get to see Cable.

 

Neyzor Blades Assessment:  That was probably the best Marvel I’ve ever seen. I give it a 10 out of 10, that was soooooo funny.

The Warlock’s Assessment: I give it an 8 out of 10.

Final Grade: 9 out of 10 – Absolutely amazing.

 

*Warlock rises from the couch*

Warlock: Now THAT is how to make an R rated comic book movie. It had enough comical cheese but enough hard hitting action to make it blend well. It wasnt the best storyline but who gives a shit about storyline in a Deadpool movie? That about wraps up another goodtastic adventure, have a pleasant evening.

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