*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a gray wifebeater, blue jeans, white sneakers and gargoyle shades. He’s holding a glass bottle of Pepsi *
Warlock: Welcome to my lair…welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.
*Warlock levitates then enters the lair*
Warlock: Tonight’s terror tale is Animal, the 2014 thriller featuring a group of hikers terrorized by a bloodthirsty beast.
*Mr America is in the recliner wearing green camo fatigues, vest and hat along with black combat boots and aviator shades*
America: Now that I can sink my teeth into.
*Warlock sits in the middle of the couch*
Warlock: So let’s see how this turns out. Its time for Animal.
*The Warlock reads the tag-line*
Warlock: “When plans for a weekend vacation hit a dead end, a group of close-knit friends find themselves stranded in unfamiliar territory, pursued by a menacing, blood thirsty predator.”
America: I got nothing…..
America: The creature looks like Pumpkinhead.
Warlock: A little bit.
*A few people rim through the woods away from a monster (Mike J Regan). Four of them including Barbara (Eve)*
Warlock: That’s Eve, the singer.
America: Whatever you say.
*Douglas (Amaury Nolasco) is running. Barbara gets caught and Douglas goes to save her but can’t. Carl (Thorsten Kaye) holds him back*
America: Dude she was covered in blood, if you saved her she was gonna bleed out and die anyway.
Warlock: Oh boy the movie’s over.
America: That was quick.
*Sean (Paul Iacono) asks if they’re close. He shouts*
Warlock: Alright somebody kill him.
*They come up to a roadblock, get out and check it out*
Warlock: Take the sign down and keep going.
*5 idiots drive to the country. Alissa (Keke Palmer) and her boyfriend talk to each other*
Warlock: She’s tougher than he is.
*Mandy (Elizabeth Gillies) is introduced. She’s the pompous jerk*
Warlock: Uh oh.
*Sean snaps a pic of the 4 others. Matt (Jeremy Sumpter) and Jeff (Parker) are the other hikers. Jeff is Alissa’s brother, Matt is the boyfriend. They share character development*
America: Yayyyy, character development.
Warlock: This is looking up.
America: A BIG MONSTER!
Warlock: The indistinct chatter won best supporting actor.
America: That’s not even an actor!
*Sean sprays mace*
Warlock: Ok the mace won best supporting actor.
*A slaughtered animal corpse is shown*
Warlock: I don’t think its gonna make it.
*Jeff wants to continue but Alissa says to turn back. Eventually they get lost*
Warlock: Sibling rivalry.
*Matt takes a leak*
Warlock: Is this an integral part of the movie?
America: I think he discovered a carcass.
*Matt finds a backpack from the US Marine Corps and throws it in front of Sean. They open it up and Mandy says she’s not walking back in the dark*
America: That’s what you think.
*Mandy grills Jeff about putting them all in danger. Meanwhile Sean spouts off about the Ohio Howl. Mandy wants out*
America: Isn’t she joyful.
*Sean’s phone password is peen*
Warlock: Why am I not surprised.
*Mandy spots a human foot in front of a cave. She screams and everyone runs up to her. Jeff spots the human remains and the creature begins howling*
Warlock: I really hope they explain this giant beast running around.
*The quintet run for it*
America: I guarantee they’re not going to explain the beast.
*They find the creature but shut their lights off and all shut up*
Warlock: Props for being smart.
America: Don’t approach it, back away slowly.
*Jeff “I’m gonna scare it”
America: Scare it? All you’re gonna do is piss it off.
*The creature pops up and they run for it*
Warlock: Who’s the scared one now?
*The creature chases them, Sean falls and loses his backpack. He gets up and they run away safely*
Warlock: Good god.
*They spot a house, Jeff says to run for it*
Warlock: A house in the middle of the woods, yeah that’s not creepy or anything.
*The creature pops up from behind Jeff and kills him, Alissa is held back and the rest of them run toward the house*
Warlock: We got one down.
America: That’s one way to buy time.
*The door is opened and the kids run in but Mandy is cut in the leg. A woman tosses a flare and the creature is stunned allowing Mandy to get in safely. The woman is Vicky (Joey Lauren Adams). Carl says to make themselves at home*
Warlock: Hey that’s Adam Sandler’s girlfriend in Big Daddy.
America: Which one?
Warlock: The blonde.
*Alissa asks Vicky how she and Carl got there. She says they got trapped and its been a while. Sean says he alerted the rangers. Alissa says her parents know the area. Mandy says they’ll just wait it out there. Meanwhile Douglas says no one is coming to save them*
Warlock: Oh wanna.
*Carl ponders that it slows down after its eaten. Carl says there wasn’t always three of them. They start barricading the house, smashing up furnature while Alissa patrols*
Warlock: So how they gonna progress from here?
*Matt tries to make Alissa feel better about the situation when the Animal shows up and growls at them*
Warlock: That came out of nowhere.
*They try to barricade Animal out and it goes for the window. It looks for weak spots and continues to wander around the house.
America: Did you cover the chimney?
*Carl “We’re gonna need some fire”
Warlock: Yeah fire, FIRE, FIRE! Hmm hmm heh!
*Animal tries to pound its way through the door and wounds Carl. Sean sprays it with mace and it backs off. The rest of the survivors block the door with a dresser*
Warlock: Wow, the mace worked.
*Carl sarcastically thanks Douglas for joining them*
Warlock: Hello Douglath, thith ith very expenthive, huh HAH!
America: Mr. Dink?
*They character develop around the fire*
*Douglas says they have no chance and shoots down every silver lining. Sean asks him what to do and Douglas says to run for it. Being holed up is not the way to go. Douglas says Jeff is dead and so is Barbara. He says all they have to do is give it something to chew on. Carl says no way*
Warlock: I see where this is going. 5 bucks Douglas tries to wipe out one of them to get away.
*Matt says he’s going to run for it by himself since he’s the fastest. Douglas says he’s the only one with brains. Alissa gives him a tongue lashing and he says he needs a diversion to get a head start*
Warlock: Since we have a half hour left, I’m assuming he’s not gonna make it.
*Carl says he’s not afraid of Animal anymore, he wants everyone safe. Matt says to trust him. Matt keeps in contact through radio. Sean uses binoculars as a lookout. Carl walks around with a flare*
America: This seems like the perfect chance for a jump scare.
*Carl blows a whistle to draw attention to himself. A whole minute goes by*
Warlock: Okay, we’re ready now.
America: I still say its gonna attack Sean, not Carl.
*Carl says Matt should go now. He kisses Alissa goodbye and says he loves her. Matt leaves and runs for it*
Warlock: And he’s off!!!
*Sean lost it in the bushes. Carl is cut off*
Warlock: Say goodnight Dick.
*Matt screams out of nowhere and says its coming*
Warlock: So much for Matt.
*Douglas barricades the door to shut Sean and Carl out. Douglas holds Vicky back and says to keep them out so they can survive. The creature shows up and heads right for the two of them. Douglas throws Vicky to the ground and says he’ll kill anyone that tries to open the door. Alissa signals Carl to come another way. She opened the backdoor and Carl and Sean are safe. Carl makes a beeline for Douglas and lays him out with a right cross*
Warlock: Ohhhh yeah-ha!
America: 8 9 10 yerrrr out!
*Douglas is tied up to the staircase. He comes to and Carl taunts him. Douglas says they’re all gonna die. He screams and shouts*
Warlock: Way to attract the monster.
*Mandy and Alissa talk. Alissa says she’s gonna kill Animal herself*
Warlock: With what?
America: What good would that do?
*Mandy hugs Alissa*
Warlock: Great, more mush mush.
*Mandy “I’m pregnant”*
America: Ha! There’s a bombshell
*Mandy just wants to get out of there*
Warlock: I don’t think the baby would make it, too much stress.
*Mandy and Alissa confront Sean who asks about Under Pressure*
Warlock: Under Pressure, put you down on your knees.
America: I’m gonna laugh if he gets too close to the window and the thing grabs him.
*Sean goes on a rant*
Warlock: What does this have to do with anything?
*Sean comes out and says he was in love with Jeff. Mandy blows it off but Sean says Jeff was in love with him too. They scream and shout at each other and Alissa tries to calm them both down. Meanwhile the walkie talkie buzzes, Douglas yells for their attention. Carl answers but there’s static on the other line. They figure out the beeping from Matt’s walkie talking is coming from inside the house*
Warlock: Oh boy, ripping off When A Stranger Calls.
*They figure out the walkie talkie is in the cellar*
Warlock: Hey, don’t look in the cellar.
America: Ughhhh I remember that trash.
*Douglas calls them insane and Carl says come with them or stay tied up. Douglas stays there. Meanwhile Carl, Mandy and Alissa investigate the basement. They find Matt and the creature pops up. Carl goes to fight the monster and tells the others to get out of there*
Warlock: I’d love to see the fight.
*Blood sprays everywhere as the girls drag Matt upstairs*
Warlock: He’s aliveeeeeeeeeeee.
*Mandy shakes her head at Vicky, she cries*
Warlock: That was her husband.
*Matt is badly wounded. Alissa holds his hand*
America: I don’t think he’s gonna make it.
*Douglas points out Matt is dying. Alissa says she has a new plan. Trap it inside and set the place on fire, incinerating it. Douglas says he likes the idea*
*Sean unties Douglas as Matt stutters that he loves her. Douglas then bashes Matt’s head in. His plan was to drag him outside, use him as bait and run for it. Douglas asks if anyone will join him. The creature pops in and kills Douglas. Alissa tells them all to go as Animal feeds*
*Alissa and the remaining survivors begin barricading the rest of the house. Mandy begins soaking the place with kerosene. They light the place on fire and Animal investigates. Sean, Vicky, Mandy and Alissa have it trapped by fire. Mandy, Vicky and Sean go to leave through the basement, but Vicky finds Carl. Suddenly Sean screams and is killed*
Warlock: Where did that come from?
*Mandy grabs Vicky away from Carl’s corpse and they run outside. The creature impales and kills Vicky as Alissa asks what’s going on. Mandy says there’s another Animal and they run through the forest*
Warlock: Good job explaining this one….not
*Animal attacks and kills Alissa. Mandy screams*
America: What is this garbage?
*Mandy runs for it*
Warlock: Last one standing.
*Mandy spreads dirt all over her*
America: Trying to cover her scent, smart thinking.
*Mandy makes it to the car and the doors are locked*
Warlock: I love how she knew exactly where to go.
*Animal pops up and smashes through the window. She floors it in reverse and it falls off the car. She runs it over and decapitates it*
Warlock: Ohhhhh yeahhhhh!
*She reverses over it and drives away*
America: Another just for good measure.
*Mandy drives away as yet another Animal growls, end credits*
Warlock: Wonderful, 3 of them?
Mr. America’s Assessment: I give it a 4.
The Warlock’s Assessment: 4 out of 10, had the potential to be good but too many potholes
Final Grade: 4 out of 10: Bad.
*Warlock rises from the couch*
Warlock: Ohhhh what a disaster. The characters were developed enough to care about but the whole mutated creature thing was never explained. Plus, there were 3 of them? It tried to be scary and in some cases it could be, but in the end it was a waste of time. That about wraps up another craptastic adventure. Have a pleasant evening.