*Mr. America opens the door to the lair. He’s wearing green cammo fatigues, vest and hat along with black combat boots and aviator shades*
Mr. America: Welcome to the lair. Im your host Mr. America
*America walks inside*
America: Tonight we end NCIS Appreciation Month MY way. Originally The Warlock wanted to insult my intelligence by finishing off with Pearl Harbor. As a real American hero I couldn’t let that happen so I decided to pull the courageous act of stopping Warlock for good.
*The Warlock sits in the middle of the couch with his arms folded. He’s wearing blue jeans, white sneakers, an NCIS t-shirt, an NCIS hat and gargoyle shades*
Warlock: Courageous??? You said you’d quit if I played that movie.
*America sticks his chin up and salutes a non existent American flag*
America: That’s right, so we’re doing a movie of my choice instead. To finish off NCIS Appreciation Month we are going to watch Top Gun!
Warlock: The Tom Cruise movie?
America: That’s the one.
Warlock: Never seen it.
America: WHAT? HOW? YOU…BLASPHEMY!
*America takes his seat in the recliner*
America: Well now you’re going to have to. Its time for Top Gun.
*Mr. America reads the tag-line*
America: “As students at the United States Navy’s elite fighter weapons school compete to be best in the class, one daring young pilot learns a few things from a civilian instructor that are not taught in the classroom.”
Warlock: *sings* You showed me things they never taught me in schoooooooool!
*Opening graphic reads the Navy flight school opened in 1969*
Warlock: The movie is rated PG, cant be too bloody.
America: How many movies have you seen involving the military where someone dies? Its a movie common sense thing! Where is your head!
Warlock: I’ve never seen it before, whataya want?
*F-14 is fueled and ready for take off*
America: Such a beautiful airplane.
*A pilot gives the peace sign*
Warlock: Did he just flip me off?
*Kenny Loggins’ Danger Zone plays as a montage of a plane lands on an air craft carrier*
Warlock: So this is where that song comes from?
America: You’ve gone this many years not knowing that?
*Scott, Vince and Wells gladhand each other. Stinger (James Tolkan) goes over the flight plan. Maverick (Tom Cruise), Merlin (Tim Robbins), Goose (Anthony Edwards), Cougar (John Stockwell) spot a Russian fighter plane*
Warlock: Russian fighter planes?
America: That’s not a Russian plane, that’s an American F-5 painted to look Russian. All the producer did was say “Hey, let’s take an American plane, slap a big red star on it and hope everyone’s too stupid to figure it out”
*They identify the Russian planes as a Mig-28*
America: THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A MIG-28!!!!
*Maverick gets a missile lock on one of the Russians but Cougar gets locked on. He freaks out but Maverick says to hold on. He flies upside down and flips off the Russian (Victor Spadaro). The Russians leave and Cougar starts freaking out. Merlin says they’re low on gas but Cougar is in a trance. Maverick lands on the carrier but Cougar is in trouble so he gets back into the air with no fuel. Maverick talks Cougar out of committing suicide and he lands on the carrier. In Stinger’s office Cougar apologizes for losing his edge and turns in his wings. Maverick and Goose get called in and gets an earful by Stinger. Stinger wants to bust him but he can’t, since Maverick and Goose are headed to Top Gun flight school for elite training*
Warlock: Highwayyyyy to the dangerzone.
*Jester (Michael Ironside) gives a speech in front of troops. He introduces Viper (Tom Skerritt) who’s the original Top Gun champion. He’s now an instructor*
Warlock: Tom Skerritt in the house.
*Iceman (Val Kilmer) and Maverick have a staredown. Maverick wants to know who the best pilot is. Viper asks if Maverick thinks he’s the best, Maverick says he thinks he is. Viper calls him arrogant and Maverick agrees. Viper says he likes that. He says they’re all teammates after hours but in combat its every man for himself. He dimisses them and Iceman says second place plaques are in the ladies room, Goose laughs hysterically and says on the first place plaque, Goose is spelled with two O’s*
Warlock: Not used to Anthony Edwards not being Gilbert.
*At the bar, Goose makes fun of Slider (Rick Rossovich) and they introduce each other. Iceman passive aggressively tries to establish dominance on Maverick but he doesn’t budge. Goose and Maverick make bets on who can pick up a girl faster. Maverick starts singing kareoke to impress Charlie (Kelly McGillis) and the whole bar breaks down into Lost That Loving Feeling*
Warlock: Hey America, join in.
America: I’m good.
*Maverick playfully flirts with Charlie. Warlock facepalms*
America: If he was doing nothing, you’d be complaining. Are you ever satisfied?
*Maverick follows Charlie into the ladies room*
Warlock: Meet meetcha in the ladies rooooooom
America: For my money.
Warlock and America: You can’t be too soon!
*Jester introduces Charlie as their new consultant. Goose and Maverick banter with each other. She catches them and he talks about his inverted dive on the MIG-28. He said he was giving them the bird, Goose unintentionally flips off Charlie*
*Charlie confronts Maverick and says she’s in for strictly business but Maverick blows her off. Iceman corners him and asks why he was showboating. Next frame is simlated combat missions*
Warlock: Why don’t they actually shoot somebody?
America: Why the HELL would they do that?
*Jester says Maverick can run but he can’t hide*
America: HA! He’s in an A-4, they’re in an F-14…he can easily outrun and hide that.
*Maverick hits the brakes and Jester flies by, Maverick catches up to Jester and “kills” him, simulated of course*
Warlock: I still say Maverick should have leaned out the window with a.45 and started shooting at Jester.
America: Do you have ANY idea how many problems there would be with that?
*Maverick and Goose buzz the tower without permission*
Warlock: What did they do?
America: They flew low to the tower to scare people, its a dick move.
*Iceman in the locker-room says to Maverick he doesn’t like him because he’s dangerous. Maverick gets in his face and says he IS dangerous. Iceman makes a face at him.
Warlock: Iceman wants to kiss him.
*Jester says Goose and Maverick are to report to Viper’s office. The guy who got buzzed screams and shouts that he wants someone’s butts*
Warlock: I want some big butts.
America: Not now.
*Maverick explains himself to Viper. Viper says he broke 2 rules in one day. He says obey the rules or they’ll be expelled. Maverick leaves the office and Goose says he’s better off as a truck driver. Meanwhile Jester and Viper discuss Maverick when he’s gone. Viper says he flew with Maverick’s father. Jester says he doesn’t know if he’d go into battle with Maverick. Meanwhile Goose visits Maverick during after hours*
Warlock: Are they gonna do shots now?
*Goose tells him to fly straight because his family is riding on this. They share bonding moments and its revealed Maverick’s father was a notorious outlaw pilot*
Warlock: Least we got some character development.
*Charlie instructs Maverick in the classroom. They share more bonding moments*
Warlock: Why doesn’t he go rip the fan off the wall and sing into it?
America: What…I….first of all, the fan wouldn’t even work. Second….forget it
*Maverick gets Charlie’s number and Slider taunts him. Maverick says he stinks*
Warlock: THAT’S his comeback? Oh yeah…PG.
*Goose and Maverick play volleyball against Slider and Iceman as a spectator (Wendy Wells-Gunkel) looks on. Maverick and Goose win but the others want to go again. Maverick leaves for his date as Slider says “Mother Goose you pussy!”
Warlock: Hahahahaha…hey wait…its PG, he can’t say that. Make up your mind, damn movie.
*Maverick rings Charlie’s doorbell, America makes fun of the soundtrack*
Warlock: He should have banged on the door with both hands and shouted.
America: What are you talking about? There wasn’t a door, just a screen.
*Charlie and Maverick talk during their date*
Warlock: So is the best supporting actor the flowers, the bottle of champagne or the chair?
America: Uhhh….that’s a tough one.
Warlock: I may have to go with the chair.
America: I may say the flowers.
*Maverick reveals his mother died shortly after his father. She asks what happened to his father. He says Duke was in Vietnam and disappeared in an F-4 in 1965, nobody knows what happened*
Warlock: Bermuda triangle?
America: Nooooooo. He was in Vietnam.
Warlock: I missed that part.
America: Clearly….fuckin Bermuda triangle, good god.
*Maverick says he’s going to take a shower*
Warlock: Good, so he doesn’t stink like the other guy.
*Maverick in a towel is in an elevator with Charlie*
Warlock: Why doesn’t he take the towel, ball it, use it as a microphone and sing Take Me Back To Sorrento with it?
America: I’m not even going to respond to that.
*Maverick leans in to kiss Charlie*
Warlock: Go go go go go!!!
America: Oh god, this is why I complained about you earlier. The second an opportunity appears you jump right in and get on the characters case. “Do something! Its the end of the world. Its the apocalypse!” So the one time…ONE TIME…the character does something, you shake your head. Why are you shaking you head! Stop being so hypocritical!!! My god!
Warlock: I want him to make a move, not act like an idiot. Not cheesy one liners that worked in 1979.
America: Really??? Are you kidding me. It doesn’t matter, you get on them for not trying and when they do you STILL complain!
Warlock: I don’t remember saying it was the apocalypse.
*Goose and Maverick share character development before Goose meets his wife Carole (Meg Ryan) and son. Meanwhile Viper gives instructions in a classroom setting after 2 seconds of flight*
Warlock: That was two seconds!!!!!
America: You should be able to figure that out.
*Maverick is given an earful by Charlie and Viper. Iceman sneers at him and Slider says it was the gutsiest move he’s ever seen. Charlie asks what he was thinking and Maverick says he doesn’t think, you think and you’re dead*
Warlock: What if he just ejected the co-pilot’s seat randomly in the middle of the mission?
America: I’m gonna throw something at you.
*Charlie says unfortunately Maverick won but was too aggressive. Maverick walks away cold and Charlie calls out to him, he blows her off*
America: Awwwww he’s upset that he got called out.
Warlock: What a baby.
*She chases him in her car, he rides off in a motorcycle*
Warlock: Nice chase scene. Id love to see him hit a curb and go flying.
America: There would be no movie.
*He yells at her and she says she’s fallen for him*
Warlock: What in the name of fuck?
America: See what I’m talking about.
*Pointless sex scene, America makes fun of the song*
Warlock: Now see, he’s kissing her open mouth, he should be nibbling the neck first.
America *Sings the sex song badly*
Warlock: Is he pumping or thrusting, come on man!
America: Wake me up when this is over.
*Charlie wakes up, Maverick is gone, he left a flower and a paper airplane note thanking her*
*Iceman is 2 points ahead of Maverick with half the training done*
Warlock: Its 6-4-3 in wing dinger!
America: The hell are you going on about?
*Another combat mission has Viper joining in. Goose says “Holy shit its Viper” Maverick “He’s saying ‘holy shit its Maverick and Goose;” Goose “Yeah I’m sure he’s saying that.”
*Hollywood (Whip Hubley) has the read, Maverick will cover. Jester breaks for it. Mav wants to go after Viper against Goose and Hollywood’s wishes. Mav WANTS Viper and leaves Hollywood’s side*
Warlock: Why do I have a feeling this is not going to end well.
*Viper is in an A-4, they’re in F-14’s*
Warlock: Thought you said they can outrun em?
America: Yeah, but he’s CHASING him. Why would they WANT to outrun them?
*Jester sneaks up on Maverick and “kills” him and Goose. They lose. Maverick is pissed*
Warlock: Shouldn’t they lean out the window with the white flag and wave it?
Warlock: Goose and Maverick.
America: What would that do?
Warlock: Good point.
*Wolfman (Barry Tubb) is in the shower. The rest are outside, Goose and Maverick are distraught. Jester says that was great flying but NEVER leave your wingman. Iceman says its not Maverick’s flying, its his attitude. Goose says Iceman bought it before they did so they can take solace in that*
Warlock: So he’s still 2 points behind.
Warlock: Ohhhh isn’t this exciting?
*Maverick hits the bar as Goose sings Great Balls of Fire with his kid sitting on the piano*
*Maverick goes and sings with Goose as Carole puts Maverick over to Charlie*
Warlock: I just realized that’s Meg Ryan.
America: WOW, you JUST realized that?
Warlock: The hair through me off.
America: That’s no excuse, Mr. Ladies Man here couldn’t even figure out that’s Meg Ryan. Pfft!
*Goose, Carole, Maverick, the son and Charlie all sing*
*Maverick and Charlie kiss on the motorcycle*
Warlock: Here comes Danger Zone again.
*Jester says 2 weeks to graduation and they’re now doing hop 31*
Warlock: Is this the only song they have?
America: They’ve had others.
*Maverick and Iceman chase but Ice is too close. Maverick says fire or shoot. Ice says he needs 20 seconds and Mav says he could do it there. Even Slider says to hurry up. Ice flies off but Maverick gets caught in the jet wash and spiral out of control. Goose hits the ejection switch but he breaks his neck on the roof. Maverick gets to him in the water but its too late*
Warlock: Oh shit….
*Viper visits Maverick at the hospital. Viper says Goose is dead, Maverick says he knows. Viper says he lost 10 men in Vietnam, he says there will be others and count on it. He has to let him go*
Warlock: Easy for him to say.
*Maverick goes through Goose’s things in his room. He grabs his stuff and hands them to Carole who hugs*
Warlock: I was expecting her to blame him. This is tragic stuff.
*At the inquiry, Maverick is absolved of guilt*
Warlock: What kind of court martial is that? I thought he was going to get hung for safety negligence.
America: HUNG FOR SAFETY NEGLIGENCE???? Its an inquiry, not a court martial you idiot. This was to decide if it even needed a court martial. Plus, they wouldn’t hang him for that, my god man.
Warlock: He’s fine anyway.
*Maverick gets cold feet the next time he goes flying*
Warlock: He’s got cold feet now.
*Maverick shouts at Sundown (Clarence Gilyard Jr) when Sundown protests that he had a shot. Next scene is the unlikely Iceman being the voice of reason. Charlie tries her luck next with Maverick*
Warlock: Everybody is in on it.
*Maverick says he’s all done and Charlie admonishes him for quitting. Maverick then visits Viper at his home and sees a picture of him and his father on the wall. Viper asks if Maverick flies recklessly because of his father. Maverick asks what really happened. Viper says Duke saved 3 planes before being shot down. Maverick says he never heard the story and Viper says because it happened on enemy lines, it had to be hushed up. Viper says Maverick should show up tomorrow and graduate. Maverick is re-motivated*
Warlock: Are we gonna get another montage?
America: No, too far along in the movie.
*Next day the Top Gun trophy goes to Iceman. Maverick shows up late but congratulates Iceman and Slider*
Warlock: Tell me he takes the trophy and smashes it over Iceman’s head.
*Ice, Slider, Hollywood, Wolfman, Maverick are called into real combat*
Warlock: So this is for real?
*Stinger says to open fire on any hostiles. Merlin is going to be Maverick’s RIO and Iceman complains. During the mission Hollywood is shot down but ejects in time. Iceman is in trouble and Maverick chickens out. He says “Talk to me Goose.” and then goes back to fight. He blows away the Russian that was chasing Iceman. Iceman blows away the second Russian but the third shoots Iceman’s plane full of holes. Maverick blows away the third Russian but the Americans only have one missile left between them. Maverick blows away the fourth Russian and the rest fly away*
*Iceman and Maverick both buzz the tower. The tower guy “God damn that guy”
*Iceman says to Maverick that he’s still dangerous and they shake hands and hug*
Warlock: Typical 80’s cheese.
America: Goes great with your whine.
*Stinger congratulates Maverick on the mission. He says he wants to go back to Top Gun as an instructor. Stinger says “God help us”
*Charlie puts on Lost That Loving Feeling on the jukebox. She embraces Maverick as the credits roll*
Warlock: Yay its over. Time to do the voodoo boogaloo!
America: I think I’ll pass.
The Warlock’s Assessment: I give it a 6.5 out of 10, I thought it was cheesy but a lot of fun.
Mr. America’s Assessment: I give it a 7 out of 10
Final Grade: 6.5 out of 10 – Very Good
*Mr. America rises from the recliner*
America: That was an all time classic. Yes it had a lot of cheesy elememts but it showed how the air force kicks ass. What do you think?
*Warlock stands up, removes his NCIS hat and t-shirt, doesn’t say a word*
America: I asked what you thought about the movie, not to give me a damn striptease.
Warlock: Do you know what this means?
Warlock: ITS OVER! NCIS APPRECIATION MONTH IS OVER! 30 MOVIES IN 30 DAYS! WE MADE IT!!!!
*Warlock runs around the room shirtless pumping his arms and screaming*
America: Settle down!
Warlock: USA! USA! USA!
America: What are you chanting that for, did somebody get pulled over?
*Warlock runs out of the lair shirtless and screaming*
America: Have a pleasant evening. *Salutes*