*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a black wifebeater, blue jeans, white sneakers, gargoyle shades and an NCIS hat. He’s holding a glass bottle of Pepsi*
Warlock: Welcome to my lair…welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock*
*Warlock levitates then enters the lair*
Warlock: Well Mr. America, you and I have two movies left. Let’s make them count.
*Mr. America is in the recliner wearing green camo fatigues, vest and hat along with black combat boots and aviator shades*
America: Oh yeah? What are we doing tonight?
Warlock: Tonight is none other than The Hunt For Red October.
America: The world famous Sean Connery movie?
Warlock: Yes, that one.
America: You weren’t kidding when you said you were saving the best for last.
*Warlock sits in the middle of the couch*
Warlock: Exactly. So let’s get started with The Hunt For Red October.
*Warlock reads the tag-line*
Warlock: “In November 1984, the Soviet Union’s best submarine captain in their newest sub violates orders and heads for the USA. Is he trying to defect or to start a war?”
America: I’m going with defect.
*Graphic reads that A Russian sub has gone missing with most of its crew rescued*
Warlock: At least the crew was safe.
*Marko Ramius (Sean Connery) is checking out the scenery topside*
Warlock: Ah lovely, what a view.
*Marko tells Captain Borodin (Sam Neill) to set sail*
Warlock: On your six boss.
Warlock: This music sucks.
*Jack Ryan (Alec Baldwin) says goodbye his daughter Sally (Louise Borras) as his wife Caroline (Gates McFadden) says to hurry*
Warlock: Hey its Dr. Crusher!
Warlock: Why didn’t you tell me she was in this?
America: You never asked.
*Jack meets Admiral Greer (James Earl Jones). Greer says he looks like hell*
Warlock: Darth Vader and Dr. Crusher.
*Jack gives Greer the intel on Ramius and Red October. He wants to give the photos to Skip Tyler (Jeffrey Jones)*
*Beaumont (Ned Vaughn) takes orders from Jones (Courtney B Vance). He rags on Beaumont until Cob (Larry Ferguson) makes fun of him to make Vaughn feel better. They’re on the USS Dallas. They track Red October on the sonar*
Warlock: Well that didn’t take long.
*Russian sailors speak Russian as Warlock and America fake accents*
*Ramius has to speak to Ivan Putin (Peter Firth)*
Warlock: If only his name was Vladimir.
*Raimus and Putin check their orders*
Warlock: He’ll have the cheeseburger sub and he’ll have the steak tips.
America: Not those orders! He’s already got a sub anyway.
*Raimus is to rendevouz with Captain Tupolev (Stellan Skarsgard). Raimus says he only cares about himself*
*Putin says he requests permission to post the orders for the crew. Raimus snaps his neck and burns the orders, replacing them with his own*
Warlock: Wow…did not see that coming.
*Raimus calls for Dr. Petrov (Tim Curry) and says there’s been a terrible accident*
*Jack meets Skip and they share character development*
America: Where’s Beetlejuice?
*Skip says trying to hunt Red October will be a nightmare. It could literally nuke Washington undetected*
*Dr. Petrov believes Raimus story*
Warlock: I heard he’s a sweet transvestyte.
*Loginov (Tomas Arana) is a witness as Raimus assumes control of the political officer. Petrov is scared that one man can arm the missles*
Warlock: You’re next Petrov.
*Raimus addresses the crew*
America: Now I’m going to tell you one BIG lie!
*Raimus tells a cockamamie story of how they’re going to play Wargames with the US Navy and the crowd cheers. The crew sings the Soviet National Anthem*
Warlock: *sings along*
America: How the hell do you know the words?
Warlock: Don’t ask.
*Borodin detects the Dallas*
Warlock: Here comes a fight!
*Important figure sits at grand desk*
Warlock: Is that SecNAV?
Warlock: You know, SecNav?
America: What are you talking about?
Warlock: Secretary of the United States navy, duh!
America: THERE’S A PICTURE OF LENIN RIGHT BEHIND HIM!
Warlock: Oh, I didn’t see that.
America: Obviously he’s Russian and you’re talking about SecNav.
America: Way to pay attention. At the rate you’re going, you’re trying to defect to the Russians.
*Greer calls Ryan and they go to a secret meeting. Apparently Red October disappeared undetected. Ryan “Who’s giving the briefing?” Greer “You are.”
*Jack gives the briefing. Someone heckles him*
Warlock: Who the hell are you?
*Jeffrey Pelt (Richard Jordan) says Admiral Padorin of the Russian fleet gave orders to have Red October sunk. The talking heads in the briefing figure out that Raimus is acting alone. Ryan shouts out “YOU SONOVABITCH!” Ryan “Raimus is trying to defect!”
*Jack claims he met Raimus once at an embassy, he’s Lithuanian and not Russian*
Warlock: A face turn by Raimus?
*The REAL SecNAV says the president will be alerted*
Warlock: Movie came out in 1990 so Bush Sr was president but it was set in 1984 so its Regan. Go tell Ronnie I said hi.
America: I will not!
*Ryan says they need someone to infiltrate the Russian sub and find out what Raimus’ intentions are. SecNAV sends him to do it*
Warlock: Of course it had to be him.
*Captain Tupolev figures out that they’ve been had by Raimus. He’s seven hours behind in catching him*
Warlock: Just put the pedal to the floor.
*Yevgeni is told by Tupolev that they have to kill Raimus*
Warlock: A sad day indeed.
*Borodin makes Petrov scram so he can talk with the senior officers. Slavin (Boris Lee Krutonog) is pissed Putin was killed without his okay. The guy at the desk earlier was Admiral Padorin (Peter Zinner) Slavin asks why he inked their death warrants by making a political statement. Anatoli (Anatoli Davydov) is concerned as well. Everyone leaves except for Borodin. Borodin waits for everyone to go before he questions why Raimus informed Moscow of their intentions*
Warlock: Great plot development.
*Helicopter co-pilot (Rick Ducommun) tries his best to make Jack puke*
Warlock: Way to go Smik.
*USS Enterprise goes over battle plans*
Warlock: Of course. They had to have Dr. Crusher with the Enterprise here.
America: You’re an idiot!
Captain Davenport “What’s he gonna do? Sail into New York, pop the hatch and say here I am?”
*Admiral Painter (Fred Dalton Thompson) and Captain discuss Jack’s backstory. He was crippled and learned to walk again*
Warlock: A real trooper.
*A rock is shown*
America: Wha…huh….what??? Its a rock.
*Ambassador Lysenko (Joss Ackland) gets a tongue lashing from Pelt over Raimus*
Warlock: What a tongue lashing.
*Aircraft tries to destroy Red October with air torpedos*
Warlock: If it connects, there is no movie.
*After tense manuvering, the torpedo misses the sub and blows away the big rock*
Warlock: No! Not Godzilla.
America: THAT’S NOT GODZILLA!
*The crew wants to know why they almost got blown away if its only wargames*
America: Let’s see them explain this one.
*Mechanic tells Borodin and Raimus that their caterpillar engine was cut from the inside. Meaning someone is trying to sabotage them from the inside. Someone knows about the defection*
Warlock: We got a rat!
*Jack deducts that the Russians are driving the ships toward the American subs so they’ll sink it, so they won’t have to. Jack spots the Dallas near the October and wants to board the Dallas*
Warlock: Go fly out there!
*Bart Mancuso (Scott Glenn) wants to know why Jones is hellbent on finding the sub*
Warlock: Yeah me too.
*Raimus wants to know what Borodin will do when he reaches America. He gives a cockamamie story about marrying a round woman and raising rabbits*
*Jones spotted Red October. They start playing cat and mouse even though Raimus and Borodin are chilling*
Warlock: Isn’t this fun?
*Seaman brings the ELF*
Warlock: The Will Ferrell movie?
America: Noooooo. Extremely Low Frequency
*Crewman says Jack has a burr up his ass to pull a stunt like this*
Warlock: Is he going to jump onto the sub or next to it?
America: He’s not jumping! He’s being lowered. Wow!
*Jack cuts the chord and jumps into the water near the sub*
Warlock: Bahahaha see, I told you!
America: That wasn’t jumping. If anything he fell!
*Lysenko says Ramius has gone insane and will fire missiles at the US as a cover story*
Warlock: I highly doubt that.
*Ryan gives the lowdown to Captain Mancuso. He confirms Jones’ theory of the sub being right there. Mancuso gets intel to sink October*
*Jack tries to talk Mancuso out of sinking the sub because he’s trying to save Ramius. Mancuso gives their position away in hopes Ramius can figure out that they’re not going to fire on them. Ramius figures it out and tells the crew not to fire. Borodin is stunned but obeys orders*
Warlock: You leave that saloon right where it is buckaroo.
*They shadow each other with their masts poking out of the water*
America: Let’s play a game of peekaboo!
*Jack sends a coded message to Ramius. Ramius sends one back to acknowledge. Jack looks for a chart for them to plan a meeting place. Mancuso “Are you out of your mind?”
*Mancuso: “My morse is so rusty I’m probably sending him dimensions of the Playmate of the Month. Next frame shows Ramius looking stunned*
Warlock: 36-24-36? Yes!
America: He’s more surprised they answered.
*Ramius’ plan to evacuate October’s crew safely takes effect. Crew begins to freak out. Petrov freaks out and says they have to get the hell out of there. Borodin has to agree with Petrov. Ramius says everyone must go*
America: And that’s how you get everyone not in on the plan off the boat!
*Russian sailors escape on life rafts*
Warlock: Petrov’s hat won best supporting actor.
America: What??? No!
Warlock: Got a better idea?
America: I’ll think of something.
*A random US boat arrives and says they will fire if they submerge. Ramius tells Petrov and the men to get in the life boats and wait for the fleet. He and the senior officers go below to save the ship. Petrov and the sailors make it to safety with only the senior officers left on October*
Warlock: Now we find who the rat is!
*October rigs its self destruct sequence to fool their own guys that the ship was sunk, so the Americans can claim it and study it for the caterpillar technology.*
*Greer says he was never here*
Warlock: Ok we just imagined the whole thing.
*Petrov and the Russians continue to row toward the US ship*
America: Row row row your boat, gently across the sea!
Warlock: Those aren’t even the right words!
America: I’m making it up as I go.
*Mancuso, Ryan and others board October. Borodin, Ramius and the senior officers stand at attention for them*
*Jack tries to smoke a cigarette as a sign of peace but can’t*
Warlock: Hahaha good way to break the tension.
*Raimus calls Mancuso a cowboy because of his sidearm*
Warlock: Yeee haw.
*Ramius officially defects but just as he and Mancuso shake hands…here comes Tupelov. They fire at October*
Warlock: The big finale!
*Ramius tries to get Jack to man the station and he’s never done it before*
*Ramius’ plan is to steer directly into the torpedo so it has no time to arm itself. It’ll just bounce off*
*All of a sudden one of the senior officers starts blasting at everyone. Borodin is hit and he dies*
Warlock and America: *fake death* ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
*Ramius is going after the saboteur, Mancuso hands him his gun. Jack goes with him. The saboteur fires at both Jack and Ramius. Tupelov wants to fire the torpedo despite being at close range. The USS Dallas sails by to deflect the torpedo’s path. It works, both ships are safe*
*One of the torpedo blows, another is coming back around. Meanwhile the saboteur is Loginov. Jack blows him away. Meanwhile Mancuso manuvers the October out of the way and the torpedo blows Tupelov and his sub to smithereeens*
*Lysenko is happy things worked out. Meanwhile Jack, Ramius and others chill topside of October in a river in Maine. Ramius says Jack never asked why he defected. Jack says he figured he’d till him when ready. Turns out he never does tell why. Movie ends with Jack on a plane with Stanley the teddy bear*
America: The bear won best supporting actor.
Warlock: Ok, I’ll go with that. Stanley the bear wins.
Mr. America’s assessment: 8.0….outstanding
The Warlock’s assessment: 8.5, one of the best I’ve seen.
Final Grade: 8.0 – Awesome.
*Warlock rises from the couch*
Warlock: Winding down NCIS Appreciation Month with the best of the best is the way to go. That was a great flick with characters, story, action and suspense. Always great to see the great stuff.
America: You know we still have one more to do.
Warlock: Oh yeah, and I saved something special for you.
America: Oh goody.
Warlock: Have a pleasant evening.