*The Warlock is doing pushups in the basement. He’s wearing a gray wifebeater, maroon workout shorts, NCIS hat backwards and white sneakers*
*Neyzor Blades yells from the top of the stairwell*
Neyz: WILL YOU GET UP HERE AND START THE MOVIE?
*Warlock gets startled and falls on his face*
Warlock: Ohhhh. Yeah yeah Im comin.
*Warlock walks upstairs and Neyzor Blades is wearing a black and white striped dress*
Warlock: What are we watching tonight?
Neyz: One of my favorite movies.
Warlock: Oh joy, this should be good.
*Neyz sits in the recliner, Warlock in the middle of the couch*
Warlock: What is it?
Neyz: GI Jane.
Warlock: Never seen it.
Neyz: Well you will now. Its time for GI Jane.
*Neyzor Blades reads the tag-line*
Neyz: “A female Senator succeeds in enrolling a woman into Combined Reconnaissance Team training where everyone expects her to fail.”
Warlock: Oh god, we’re watching THIS?
*Movie opens at a senate hearing. Senator DeHaven (Anne Bancroft) grills Theodore Hayes (Daniel von Bargen) about women in the Navy. Hayes wants to be the next SecNav but DeHaven reveals he’s been a chauvinist toward women*
Neyz: This is important.
*Outside the hearing, reporters ask DeHaven why she used the hearing as a pulpit for women’s rights*
Warlock: Good question.
*Lt Jordan O’Neill (Demi Moore) is in DeHaven’s office. Jordan has been approved to take part in Navy Seal training. She said she was turned down for a job offer on a sub due to having “no female bathrooms” on a sub*
*DeHaven asks if she has a man, it’ll be even worse if she’s gay*
Warlock: Yeah, its okay to be a woman but not gay.
Neyz: Took 20 years to reverse that.
*Jordan is with her hubby Royce (Jason Beghe). He doesn’t think she’ll be able to handle it. He basically tells her he’s not waiting for her if she gets sent out to war. He goes to leave, Jordan “Get your dick back in here”
Warlock and Neyz: Haha
*At the base, Jordan reports to the Captain and he lays down the law. She doesn’t want special treatment*
*Jordan says she’s not there to make a statement, just wants to complete the training. He doesn’t buy it and she leaves. She makes her way to the barracks. At breakfast, the men banter back and forth. The men are not happy. Slovnik (Jam Caviezel) wants to bang her, Newberry (Angel David) doesn’t like her. One of the men says to back off*
Warlock: Oh boy, a babyface.
*At formation, the Captain welcomes everyone. They’re there for the most intense military training known to man. He says a lot of them will drop out but the ones that survive deserve a lot of credit. He turns them off Master Chief John James Urgayle (Viggo Mortensen)
Neyz: This guy’s a prick.
Warlock: He has to be.
*Urgayle looks over the men (and woman) and starts intimidating everyone. He intimidates Jordan and Slovnik snickers, so Urgayle intimidates him too. He instructs Instructor Pyro (Kevin Gage) to move the men (and woman). Pyro “Mooove your asses!!”
Warlock: Move move move move!
*They all have to carry boats through the tundra as Pyro says not to bruise his sensitive fanny*
*Inspector Johns (David Warshovsky) has them continuing training. Urgayle says the day won’t end until someone quits. Stamm (Stephen Ramsey) is hurt and so is Flea (Josh Hopkins). They refuse to give up*
Warlock: That’s heart.
Neyz: Its a fender for a naval ship
*Cortez (David Vadim) makes an advance toward Jordan. She continues doing exercises. Urgayle “The best thing about pain, it lets you know you’re not dead yet*
Warlock: What a quote.
*They’re digging in the sand*
*Pyro tells Mr. Wickwire (Boyd Kester) he’s got 4 minutes to secure the swim gear and grab lunch*
Warlock: They only have 4 minutes to eat?
Warlock: I’d fit right in.
*Its bedlam in the mess hall as the soldiers fight and claw for food as the instructors shout and scream at them. Montage of training with instructors still shouting and screaming*
Warlock: Its supposed to be intense
Neyz: This day 1 to boot.
*Soldiers line up for med check. Newberry says its too fucking cold. McCool (Morris Chestnut) is from San Diego. Pyro “Alright corpsman, they’re gonna live. Get the hell out of there”
*Pyro “Move, I said move, goddammit! What do you want to do, take another swim?”
Warlock: Anybody got a snorkel?
*Soldiers have to eat out of a trash can*
Warlock: Why are they doing that?
Neyz: They’re finishing what they didn’t eat earlier.
Warlock: I would complain, but they have to go through a med check. No one with hepatitis would be allowed.
*Another boat drill has Urgayle trying to get people quit. Stamm quits*
Warlock: Its not for everyone.
*Urgayle wants a 500 word essay on why they love the US Navy. None of them have slept yet. Urgayle puts on opera music to get people to fall asleep*
Warlock: Oh that’s just mean.
*Jordan is writing away while McCool can’t even see straight. One guy’s already out cold*
Warlock: What’s the purpose of this?
Neyz: To keep yourself awake.
*Urgayle is getting a haircut when his instructor tells him to go wake up the troops. Jordan is the only one still functional. Next drill is barbed wire training*
Warlock: This is gonna be fun.
*Newberry, Hampton, McCool, Wickwire, Slovnik and England are team 1. Team 2 is Miller (Gregg Bello), Flea, Powell, Ayres, Cortez and Jordan. Jordan has to tag certain areas because she’s a woman and she protests, Pyro tells her to shut the fuck up. They simulate being under fire*
Warlock: They’re using live rounds.
*Flea goes down as a heatseeking missile heats up*
Neyz: Woah there
*Both squads make it to the tunnel and out of it. O’Neill uses herself to get the whole squad up but Cortez alligator arms her up the wall. Jordan hits a drill tripwire. Johns “Oh my god O’Neill just tripped the trip wire. Thank you very much, she is responsible for killing the entire class.”
*At formation they get their times, 6 men have to do it all over again. One of them quits*
Warlock: Another man down.
*Wickwire has to bring everyone back at 8 AM. Urgayle walks up to Cortez and gives him the business for leaving Jordan behind. Johns calls them a hesitant bunch of harlots*
*All but one of the guys that had to do it over ring the bell. Jordan teases ringing the bell but walks inside. Jordan wants to talk to Urgayle and Pyro says he’s not there. She wants to know why Cortez failed and she didn’t. They gave her a 30 second head start because she’s a woman, its procedure for females. Jordan doesn’t like it. Urgayle shows up “When I want your opinion, I’ll give it to you.”
Neyz: Hahahaha I love that line.
*Cortez keeps digging as O’Neil runs to the Admiral O’Connor (Stephen Mendillo). She claims she’s being mistreated. She claims she doesn’t want to be treated as an outsider. She wants to be treated as piece of shit like everyone else. He goes on a rant saying he resents everything about this project. She wants the same treatment and O’Connor says sure*
Neyz: Hell yeah.
*Jordan hits up the barbershop. She buzzes her own hair off*
Neyz: This is my favorite part.
Warlock: Could have done without the soundtrack. A more badass sound would have been nice.
*The barber shows up and she runs out. She runs to the barracks and pulls up a bunk. Next frame Urgayle’s crew uses flashbangs to wake everyone up. Slovnik and Cortez protest Jordan bunking with them and Wickwire tells them to shut up. Urgayle walks in and says they have one minute to gather themselves. Wickwire “If any one of you Van-Winkle wannabees are late, I will personally see none of you sleep for a week!”
*Slovnik gets in her face and she sticks it right back to him. She tells him to get over himself*
Warlock: Nice one.
*Meanwhile at a gala, Hayes makes fun of women and Royce doesn’t like it. Royce plays pool as some messenger gives Hayes a message. Hayes found a newspaper article about Jordan, he’s pissed. Hayes asks how far along she is, Royce says she’s passed the tests with flying colors so far. Hayes calls her GI Jane*
Warlock: Movie title.
*Captain Salem (Scott Wilson) is grilled by DeHaven about letting USA Today photographers on the base. He says he can’t do anything about it unless she wants to trim the fat off the Constitution*
*We get a montage of Jordan going through hell. Slovnik continues to be a pain in the ass. Cortez is a champion weapon installer. Meanwhile the doctor says Jordan has a myriad of problems, Jordan says to patch her up to get back out there*
*More and more people drop out, including Miller. Jordan remains in the running. Jordan and Cortez now install weapons at the same time, he nods. Meanwhile on the news, “GI Jane” has outlasted a lot of the males in training*
Warlock: What a montage.
Neyz: Can you imagine a little girl watching this?
*Jordan fails her diving test and Cortez says its about time they dropped some dead weight. Urgayle shoves him into the water so they both have to be rescued*
Warlock: Take a dip Cortez.
*Urgayle leaves Cortez, Slovnik, McCool and Jordan behind. McCool tells a story of his grandfather was denied admission into the US Navy during WW2 because “Negroes can’t see well at night.”
Warlock: Meanwhile my grandfather was in the Navy during World War 2 and he couldn’t swim.
*McCool “To them, you’re just a new nigger on the block.Maybe you just moved in too early”
Warlock: That’s powerful.
*Urgayle visits Jordan in the shower. She asks how he got his navy cross. He says by pulling a 240 man out of a burning tanker. He doesn’t know if she can. He gets down to business and says England is out with a stress fracture, Wickwire is moving up and Jordan is now in charge of her boat. Urgayle “Remember, there are no bad crews, only bad leaders.” Meanwhle Royce gives the report that she’s outdone 40 percent of the men on their terms. Seal training is next week. Hayes wants dirt on her without saying so and Royce doesn’t like it.*
Warlock: They’re gonna try to bury her.
*Royce calls Jordan and tells her what’s up. He’s warning her about being a target. She asks if he believes in her and he doesn’t answer*
Warlock: Could have at least said yes or no.
*Next frame is S.E.R.E. training. SERE stands for Survival Evasion Resistance Escape.*
Warlock: Yeah, evasive maneuvers. Get the hell out of the way of a moving bullet or target.
*Pyro gives them a warning and tells them to dive into the water. The team makes it ashore. Jordan starts giving orders but Cortez doesn’t like it.
Warlock: He doesn’t like it
Neyz: Tough shit.
*Slovnik “She doesn’t have a fucking clue where we’re going.” Cortez “Shut up”
Warlock: Get focused, you can make fun of her later.
*Cortez and Slov have her flank, she goes on. Crabs crawl around*
Warlock: The crab is best supporting actor.
*Jordan figures out where the shed is and Slov says he had a busted watch that was right twice a day. McCool and Newbury go right, Flea is with Jordan. Jordan continues to give orders but Cortez and Slovnik don’t listen to her. Slov trips machine gunfire. Everyone is captured after Flea gets hurt. The enemy team kicks around Jordan’s team. Flea gets it the worst. Wickwire tries to make a joke and Jordan says not to use her against them. Flea screams and shout as they try to break him. He refuses to give up as Jordan is next. Pyro interrogates until Urgayle steps in. He beats hell out of her but she refuses to give in. Pyro’s first name is Nick. Urgayle is Jack. Pyro doesn’t like the excessive force and Urgayle throws him out. Urgayle puts her in a sleeperhold and throws her head first out the door. He goes to drown her and says time to give it up. No one budges*
Warlock: This is great.
*Urgayle goes to rape her and tells Newbury to give it up but she fight back. She kicks him in the balls. Urgayle “Don’t start something you can’t finish.” He gives her a right cross and she bleeds everywhere. Another one knocks her goofy. Cortez “You’re a real fuckin hero man.” They all turn their back on him. He says he’s trying to save her life. She says “Master chief, suck my dick!” The troops cheer.*
Neyz: My favorite line.
*Urgayle smiles at her and the troops chant “suck my dick!”
Neyz: I love it.
*Pyro says he was out of line and it won’t happen again. He says that it will, not with them, but with the future. DeHaven is kept abreast of what’s going on. Back at the base, Jordan buys groceries and the doctor Blondell (Lucinda Jenney) says to come out with her. Jordan says she’s been asked out by the troops. She agreed, Urgayle overhears this*
Warlock: Oh wonderful.
*Wickwire says Flea is hurt and Jordan says he’ll be back. Cortez “I Like you better when you drink.” Jordan “I like you better when I drink.” McCool makes a toast. “Suck my dick!”
*Slovnik tries to be concerned and no one believes him. Meanwhile some lady looks at Jordan’s bruises and says “I’d say leave the bastard.”
*Urgayle hits up the bar and Jordan stone faces him. She goes to the beach with Blondell with the paprazzi taking pictures*
Neyz: Can’t even enjoy herself.
*Royce gets the pictures and gets an anonymous letter, figures out DeHaven sent it*
Warlock: Uh oh.
*Sure enough, Jordan is brought before O’Connor. He says she’s being blackmailed for being a lesbian. Jordan figures out what’s up and she says nothing happened. She says this is sabotage. She says either let her complete her training or fire her*
Neyz: She is bullshit.
*Jordan takes a bat to the quitting bell, her way of saying goodbye*
Warlock: Back back back back…gone!
Neyz: All the shit she’s been through.
*Jordan makes it home to Royce. He embraces her and admits he wanted her to fail but realized he was wrong. They share bonding moments and a sex scene*
Warlock: If nothing else, it takes off the run time.
*She smokes a cigar and drinks while they go over her interrogation. He tells her DeHaven doublecrossed her. She takes it straight to Washington DC. Everyone that planned to shut their bases suddenly withdrew*
Warlock: See the picture?
*DeHaven walks up to Jordan. Jordan confronts her, she knows what happened. She threatens to go to C-SPAN and DeHaven brings her to a closed chamber. DeHaven refuses to apologize and Jordan says she wanted to go through with it and DeHaven just used her for political propaganda. DeHaven is established as a feminist and Jordan can’t believe it*
Neyz: She went through fuckin hell.
*DeHaven says she thought Jordan would drop out, she never expected her to do so well. She threatens to go to Hayes and DeHaven counters with he already knows. They go nose to nose and Jordan tells her to get the charges dropped or she’ll do something*
Neyz: Oooh this is exciting.
*DeHaven promises to get her back in*
Neyz: Don’t fuck with her!
*Wickwire spots Jordan but Urgayle cuts her off. She makes him laugh and the troops gather outside for formation. Urgayle “You ready for round two?”
Warlock: Hell yeah.
*Jordan participates in a submarine exercise. They banter in the sub before the sub captain says they’re diverting from training to aid in a REAL conflict in Libya. The C.O says to Urgayle says the satellite dropped in Gadhafi’s backyard*
Warlock: Remember what they did to him?
Warlock: The citizens of Libya beat him to death in the middle of the street.
*The C.O. says Urgayle’s men is their only hope for now to extract prisoners, for real*
Warlock: Its like the Dirty Dozen.
*Jordan knows about the KH-12’s, they’re nukes. Now Urgayle is concerned. He asks who’s not ready. No one budges*
Warlock: Its now or never for them.
*Urgayle’s men starts rescuing troops. They spot a border patrol, 25 men with weapons. Urgayle alerts Wickwire but he doesn’t answer. Urgayle goes on ahead as Jordan falls back. A truck then turns her way and Urgayle says to stand fast*
Warlock: Permission to shoot him in the fucking head sir.
*Urgayle gives the order for a silent kill if he spots her. Urgayle then shoots him in the head himself despite her saying no. He fires a warning shot and the 25 troops open fire. Jordan makes it back to the team and requests a gunship for support. She says one team stays behind to rescue Urgayle and the othes go back. Jordan says they’re gonna have to go a different way because Urgayle won’t lead the enemies to the team. Jordan stays behind with Cortez, Slovnik, Newbury, McCool and Wickwire to save Urgayle. They set up mines*
Neyz: Its an ambush.
*The terrorist pulls up the gun and blows*
*Wick spots Urgayle running for his life. He gets pinned down and Slovnik wants to blow it, but Jordan tells him no. Urgayle is hit in the leg and Jordan pulls him to safety. McCool blows the terrorists away*
Neyz: They like to blow shit up.
*Scoprion team makes it to the extract point with Jordan’s team not far behind. An attack chopper lights up the terrorists on the shore*
Warlock: Take that you sons of bitches.
*Jordan’s entire team makes it to the choppers intact with Urgayle still alive. “What a goatfuck!”
Warlock and Neyz: HAhahahahaa
*Cortez says he’ll go to war with her anytime. Urgayle says he’s never gonna live this down*
Neyz: Its time to retire.
*Urgayle hands out navy crosses to all the men. Stops in front of Jordan and smiles*
Warlock: He fires her on the spot.
*He hands her a navy cross and says welcome to the Seals. Later on she checks her locker and in it is a book, inside of that is a purple heart. Urgayle walks out and smiles at her. End credits*
Neyz: Awwww he gave her his purple heart.
Warlock: Mooooove your asses!!!
Neyz: He had the perfect voice for that.
Neyzor Blades’ Assessment: 10 out of 10, one of my favorites.
The Warlock: I give it an 9 out of 10. One point off for the soundtrack
Final Grade: 9.5 out of 10 – Almost the best of all time.
*Neyz rises from the recliner*
Neyz: That was one of my favorites and it was an inspiration to women that we can do anything.
Warlock: Now drop and give me 20.
Neyz: Ha! Why would I do that?
Warlock: Because I said so.
Neyz: Suck my dick!
Warlock: Ugh, have a pleasant evening.