PREVIOUSLY ON WARLOCK’S MOVIE REALM
*Mr. America and The Warlock are watching Battleship*
Warlock: The Missouri, wasn’t that the ship in Under Siege?
America: Uhhhh, actually yeah.
*The Warlock opens the door to his lair. He’s wearing a gray wife-beater with white sneakers, blue jeans, NCIS hat, and black gargoyle shades. He’s holding a mug of Pepsi*
Warlock: Welcome to my lair….welcome I don’t think so, but enter. Enter my lair if you dare. I’m your host The Warlock.
*Warlock shoots fire into the sky and walks inside*
Warlock: Tonight we begin to wind down NCIS Appreciation Month with one of my favorite movies of all time, Under Siege, the 1992 classic starring Steven Seagal, Gary Busey and Tommy Lee Jones.
*Mr. America is sitting in the recliner wearing green cammo fatigues, vest and hat, black combat boots and aviator shades*
Warlock: What do you mean meh? Its a classic!
America: If you say so.
Warlock: I’m gonna hurl ghosts at you.
*Warlock takes his seat in the middle of the couch*
America: You will not…..wait what?
Warlock: So let’s begin with Under Siege.
*The Warlock reads the tag-line*
Warlock: “A former S.E.A.L., now cook, is the only person who can stop a gang of terrorists when they seize control of a U.S. Navy battleship.”
America: Guess we’ll find out what plan he’s going to cook up.
*Movie opens with graphic of USS Missouri on her last voyage before it is decommissioned. George Bush Sr (himself) says the ship has served well. Captain Adams (Patrick O’Neal) and his crew Commander Krill (Gary Busey), Commander Green (John Rottger), Commander Harris (Bernie Casey), Lt Smart (Leo Alexander) and various sailors. Tackman (Damien Chapa) waves hi to Chief Petty Officer Casey Ryback (Steven Seagal). Ryback says hi to Cue Ball (Lee Hinton), Granger (Troy Evans) and Flicker (David McKnight). Ryback says he doesn’t care about being in dress whites*
Warlock: What a rebel.
*Adams tells Ryback to get in uniform and he says he’ll get to meet the president. Ryback doesn’t want to and Krill says that’s not a good idea. Ryback says for once he’s in total agreement. When Ryback leaves Krill calls him a clown. Adams says Krill has no idea about Ryback and says to leave him alone*
Warlock: Yeahhhhhhh, may want to heed the warning.
*Announcer says the Missouri was built to avenge Pearl Harbor. It also accepted the Japanese surrender after the atomic bomb were dropped. Bush makes a speech as the announcer says all nuclear tomahawks will be removed. The Missouri will sail from Pearl Harbor to San Fransisco for one final voyage. Ryback cooks with Ramirez (Raymond Cruz) and jokes around with the galley crew. The ship gets underway*
Warlock: ABANDON SHIP!
America: Its a little soon for that.
*Johnson (Duane Davis) argues with Ensign Taylor (Glenn Morshower) about why they’re not involved. Taylor says Miss July 1989 Jordan Tate (Erika Eleniak) will be there*
Warlock: Erika really was Miss July 1989 haha.
*Lt Ballard (Michael Welden) says its dangerous to have light watch during the party and Krill says not to worry about it. Ballard says he’s obeying under protest. Snap’s I Got The Power plays as Ramirez and Cueball dance in the galley until Ensign Taylor shows up. Ryback makes fun of Taylor and Taylor says he has orders from Krill that dinner is being flown in and the galley is to assemble on the mess deck. Ryback says no, the captain doesn’t like surprises and neither does he. Taylor walks away and Ryback makes fun of him and Krill*
*Ryback throws a knife and hits a target bullseye*
Warlock: OH they got me!
*Krill is grilled by Adams. Krill gives away that there’s a surprise party on its way from Hawaii. Krill says not to tell anyone or go anywhere. On the chopper Daumer (Colm Meaney), William Strannix (Tommy Lee Jones), Jordan Tate, Shadow (Eddie Bo Smith Jr), Pitt (Richard Andrew Jones), Wave (Tom Reynolds), Cates (Tom Muzila), Zix (John Laughlin) and others are on their way*
Warlock:He come the bad guys.
*Back in the galley, Krill, Taylor and some marines including Private Nash (Tom Wood) confront Ryback’s crew. He tells everyone to report to the mess deck but Ryback and they all beat a hasty retreat*
Warlock: What did they just do?
*Krill yells at Ryback for insubordination and spits in his soup. Ryback shoves him and Taylor says that’s striking an officer. Ryback says that’s not striking an officer. He punches Krill over a counter and says THAT’S striking an officer. The marines jump him and he fends them off before surrendering. Taylor says to throw him in the brig. Ryback says nobody goes to the brig without the Captain’s signature. Krill says good point and has him tossed in the meat locker. Ryback is thrown in the freezer as Krill says he hits like a faggot*
*Krill pulls aside Private Nash. He tells Nash that Ryback is an extreme psychopath that hates officers and America. He’s counting on Nash to make sure Ryback doesn’t crash the party*
America: So, you mean to tell me he hates officers and America, sooooooo what the hell is he doing there? Hmmmm, something doesn’t seem right with this picture. This is a tough one….
*Jordan tells Strannix she’s going to throw up as the chopper lands on the deck of the Missouri. The sailors cheer Jordan as she gets off. Krill is there to greet her all bandaged up from Ryback’s punch. Tackman tells Sammy Lee (Jerome Wiggins) Jordan is his future wife. Meanwhile Ryback yells at Nash. Meanwhile Krill yells at Strannix and gives Jordan pills to help her motion sickness. Krill says he cut himself shaving and says he’s gonna put on his own party dress. Strannix says knock em dead and she scoffs*
Warlock: Yum, she’s gorgeous.
*Ryback yells at Nash to get his pies out of the oven. Jordan by herself says she’s nuts and takes the pills Krill gave her. Strannix and the band plays. He says he’s Bad Billy and these are the fabulous bail jumpers*
Warlock: Haha remember the GTA 5 bail jump missions?
America: Maude would love this.
*Strannix bobs his head around*
Warlock: Hahaha what was that?
*Strannix introduces Miss July 1989 but its Commander Krill in drag. He plays around with the crew as Harris says “Look at him. This party will make naval history.” Lt Smart “Maybe Krill ain’t such an asshole after all”
America: Oh don’t you worry.
*Daumer and Krill make their way to the captain’s quarters. Meanwhile Ramirez asks the marines where Ryback is, they say he’s in the freezer. Nash says there’s a fire in the kitchen and Ryback says to get the pies out of the oven*
Warlock: I don’t think the pies are gonna make it.
America: No, not unless the crew wants rubber.
*Strannix plays harmonica*
Warlock: You think Tommy lee Jones can really play the harmonica?
America: Who knows.
*Krill and Daumer walk up to the quarters and the guard looks at him funny. Krill “Feels good walking around in these pantyhose”
*Krill walks up to Adams in drag and says he’s his date tonight. Meanwhile Strannix asks who the highest ranking officer is. Commander Green introduces himself and Strannix shoots him in the head. The galley crew and the band turn heel and take everyone hostage. Krill kills Adams and Daumer kills the guard. Krill “Nice shot”. Ryback says he hears gunfire and Nash is confused. Shadow takes the galley as another crony says its secured. Ryback yells at Nash to do something as the whole crew is rounded up. Everyone is led to the forecastle as one brave soul attacks Shadow. Shadow kills him and Strannix shoots the sailor next to him. Strannix says anyone who tries anything will be shot and so will the guy next to him. Meanwhile the deck watch is taken out by commando terrorists*
Warlock: I think its safe to say the shit hit the fan.
*Krill opens Adams’ personal safe and tosses Strannix the tomahawk launch codes. He reads a letter from Adams saying Krill needs a psych evaluation. Krill asks if he looks like he needs one and Strannix says not at all. Krill says he needs to change. He takes over the captain’s jacket and goes on the deck*
*Pitt makes his way to the fire control room as Krill takes over the bridge, then the fire control room. Everyone is thrown out as Strannix calls them a bunch of wussies*
*Strannix hands the disc to Pitt and says guard it with his life. Daumer says a few loose sailors are strewn about and the rest of the crew is sealed in the forecastle. Strannix says Krill has been promoted to Captain and to “chop up broadway”. Meanwhile Nash opens the freezer and Ryback says to call in to find out what’s going on. Nash says he’ll do it*
Warlock: Finally using a bit of his brain.
*Krill mentions Ryback and Strannix perks up. Krill calls Nash and Strannix orders Krill to say he’s sending someone to relieve him. Krill bullshits by saying party poppers went off, not gunshots. He hangs up and says he’ll take care of it. Strannix says he’ll handle it by sending Cates and Zix. Krill says they should send more men and Strannix says they can handle 20 marines and 100 cooks. Nash taunts Ryback and Ryback continues to yell at him*
Warlock: Here I come to save the dayyyyyyyyyy
*Cates and Zix sneak up on Nash and disarm him. Cates asks where Ryback is and Nash says in the freezer. They shoot Nash dead and shoot up the freezer.Ryback dropkicks the air vent and nails one of them in the face, then takes out the other to make his escape. Ryback kills the lights. Ryback grabs one of his special knives and silently takes out Cates in the throat. Zix calls out for Cates and Ryback takes him one on one. Ryback snaps his neck*
Warlock: Did you see that coming?
America: What, him taking these guys out? Of course I saw that coming! What kind of movie would this be? Seagal dies, the terrorists win, the end!
Warlock: Incompetent Ryback fails.
*Ryback makes a microwave bomb as an F-18 pilot (Bruce Bozzi) is looking for the chopper. Ryback finds Adams dead and is sad. He drapes the captain’s dress shirt over him and vows revenge.
America: Seagal angry!
*The F-18 flies directly over the flight deck and says its needs a closer look*
America: WHAT?? It buzzes the fucking deck, oh my good god. Before he even says he has to take a look, there’s flyby number 1. Now he’s turning around, flyby number 2! So goddamn close you can see the helicopter behind the pilot and the radio antennae! So what does he do…he pulls straight up, says he’s going airbone yet mindfully flies away from the ship and gives himself a crappier look THEN he says he’s gonna take a closer look. Good god!
*Strannix orders the F-18 shot down and Pitt blows it away. Voodoo Child by Jimi Hendrix plays as Krill, Shadow, Daumer and Strannix champagne toast*
Warlock: You know who’s theme that is.
America: Hollywood…Hulk Hogan
*America throws his vest off revealing an nWo t-shirt and he plays air guitar on his ACWA Heavyweight Championship belt*
*Tom Breaker (Nick Mancuso) is brought into the navy board meeting. He’s notified Strannix is behind this. Admiral Bates (Andy Roman0) needs answers. Strannix says if any ships and aircraft try to stop him he’ll kill everyone. Breaker tries to stall him but Strannix refuses. Admiral Bates wants to know why and Strannix reveals he was a CIA agent and Breaker tried to have him killed. Strannix goes on a rant about the world sucks and Breaker asks him what he’s going to do. Strannix bullshits him and Breaker says the movement is dead. Strannix agrees and says this isn’t a movement but a revolution. “You tried to kill me you sonovabitch, so welcome to the revolution”
Warlock: Well now you see why, he turned heel because they turned on him!
*Pitt fires a harpoon missile that takes out a communications tower*
Warlock: What was that for?
America: To blind them.
*Back on the Missouri, the terrorists are building a crane to unload the 32 tomahawks in the Missouri’s arsenal. Ryback sneaks around and watches everyone. Strannix “Time..is money”
*The crew pounds on the wall in morse code, Krill scoffs at them*
Warlock: Wasn’t that morse code.
*Ryback investigates the lounge where Green and other marines are dead. He kicks the cake away and Jordan pops out, performing a striptease*
Warlock: Not that it would be, but this is not the worst movie of all time.
*Ryback tells Jordan to shut the music off and stop the stripping*
Warlock: Damn you!
*Ryback grills her and she doesn’t know anything. Ryback “What kind of babbling bullshit is this?”
*Jordan “So who are you, are you some special forces guy?” Ryback “No I’m a cook.” Jordan “Oh my god we’re gonna die”
Warlock and America: Heh.
*8 of the tomahawks are nukes. Bates asks about Strannix background and Breaker says they’re trained to be crazy. Breaker says he’s been financing Strannix’ team since they sunk a North Korean sub, then turned on Strannix. Breaker says they sunk the ship….and the sub shows up saying they’re coming toward the Missouri*
Warlock: There it is.
*Strannix says he’s the Roadrunner “meep meep”. Crony says Cates and Zix are missing and Krill says they should have sent more men. Meanwhile Ryback tries to shove Jordan in a locker but she bangs around until he lets her out*
Warlock: Guess he’s got a partner.
*Strannix’ team clears the galley as Ryback prepares Jordan for battle by saying if she see’s a hatch, she becomes the hatch*
*Strannix says whoever killed Cates and Zix is a pro. Krill and him argue until the time bomb goes off, taking out one of the men. Strannix pulls one of his guys and says to send out a patrol but if they see something, they radio for backup and not to get creative*
Warlock: Yeah, can you imagine a suicide, kamikaze attack on Ryback?
America:Why would he do that? It doesn’t make any sense.
*Strannix says he wants to look at Ryback’s file*
Warlock: PUT THESE FIRES OUT!
*Captain Garza (Dale Dye) says Seal Team 5 will launch and attempt to take the ship. If the team is unsuccessful, they will be forced to destroy the ship*
Warlock: Is that how the movie ends? The airstrike takes out everything.
*Strannix and Daumer go over how they’re going to unload the nukes as Krill barges in and give’s Ryback’s history. He’s the best SEAL ever but was reduced to a cook after getting court martialed. Shadow says 2 more men are dead. Daumer says he’ll get him but Krill calls him an idiot. They argue and Strannix says patrol the ship and keep him pinned down. Strannix gives a radio message to keep watch on Ryback. “God damn SEAL”
Warlock: Don’t sharks eat seals?
America: NOT THAT SEAL!
*Jordan “I have 2 rules, I don’t date musicians and I don’t kill people.” Ryback “I’m thrilled to death to hear that.”
*Ryback takes out various goons on his way to the flight deck. Ryback puts together a makeshift radio to call Captain Garza and takes it. Jordan says its like a car phone. “Something like that” – Ryback. Bates gets a fax from Ryback and Garza puts him over as a hero. Bates answers and Ryback says he’s got 30 hostiles. Breaker asks if he’s working for Strannix and Garza vouches for Casey. Ryback calls Garza “Nick” and says they’re manufacturing a rail system to unload the nukes and Krill is with them. Garza says the terrorists control the whole ship. Bates doesn’t tell him about the air strike but says to keep them posted. Jordan “You’re not a cook.” Ryback “Yeah well…I also cook.” Garza says Ryback was the top SEAL until half of his team was wiped out from bad intel, everyone turns and looks at Breaker. Then when he got back he punched out his senior officer. After the court martial Captain Adams took him aboard the Missouri to finish out Ryback’s 20 years of service*
Warlock: Can SEAL’s go from SEAL to cook or just get thrown out of the Navy?
America: I’m pretty sure they’d just get thrown out.
*Breaker says there’s no way Strannix will be successful. Trenton (Dennis Lipscomb) says Honolulu could be his target. Meanwhile Ryback spots the chopper and tells Jordan to cover him. Strannix asks what Krill will do when he gets 200 million. Krill “Buy the presidency”
Warlock: He’d be better than Trump and Clinton.
*Ryback blows the chopper and it goes overboard. A commando finds Jordan and takes her prisoner. Ryback wipes out a few commandos and runs off with Jordan. Strannix tells a guy not to pursue and the guy ignores him, and he gets blown away by a bomb inside the hatch*
*Strannix says Ryback is a pain in the ass. Krill says he knows that to do. He’s gonna flood the forecastle and Ryback will kill himself trying to save them while they unload the missiles. Strannix “You’re a maniac, drowning your own crew” Krill “They never liked me anyway.” Daumer “I bet they fuckin love ya now.” Meanwhile Ryback hears morse code coming from a sealed room and says “They’re saying get me the fuck out of here.” Ryback opens the door and Tackman, Johnson, Granger, Flicker, Ramirez and Calaway (Sandy Ward) are holed up. Ryback arms everyone and tells them they’re going to retake the ship. Everyone’s in*
Warlock: What a crew.
*Ryback disables the weapon systems as Krill goes on the intercom and calls for Ryback to watch the monitor. He shows the flooding forecastle and says he has no grudge against him. Ryback says they have to save them. Tackman protests but Ryback rallies everyone, including Jordan. Tackman reluctantly agrees*
Warlock: What a crew
*Ryback’s men (and woman) attack. They turn the water off in the forecastle but Johnson gets hit*
Warlock: Oh he got hit in the heart, he’s done.
*On deck, Krill gets a radio report that they have Ryback pinned down. Krill has the anchor dropped as they wait for the sub. Bates calls and Jordan answers, Bates is looking for Ryback. Jordan “He’s in a gunfight now, I’ll take a message” Trenton “What the hell’s going on there.” Ryback “Sorry sir, you can court martial me if I live sir.” Bates says SEAL Team 5 is on its way and says to aide the SEAL Team because if it fails, an airstrike is imminent. Bates tells him good luck*
Warlock: I don’t know who’s in trouble more.
*Ryback wipes out a bunch of commandos without reloading*
America: No reloading.
Warlock: Of course not.
*Jordan “The safest place in the world is right behind you.” Ryback and Jordan wipe out more commandos, impaling one and hanging another*
America: Well he’s dead.
*Ryback pulls a knife and goes after the welding crew. He kills all but one, who he saws the arm off of*
Warlock: Give the man a hand.
*SEAL Team 5 is on its way, the leader (Conrad E Palmisano) is determined. Meanwhile Strannix is on the phone with his contacts trying to organize the sell money for the tomahawks. Pitt notices the SEAL Team heading their way and Strannix says to kill them. Then the weapons system goes dead as Ryback predicted*
Warlock: Haha foiled!
*Strannix signals the sub who surfaces and ties itself to the Missouri. Ryback and Jordan hang out and wait for the SEAL Team. The leader says they’re going in on the bow. The team locks and loads but Strannix with stinger missiles blows them away*
Warlock: So much for them.
America: That was quick.
*Back in the boadroom, Bates says they have no choice but to sink the Missouri. Trenton calls it in, meanwhile Krill gives orders. Meanwhile Strannix, Shadow and Daumer survey the damage Ryback has caused. Strannix “Daumer,Daumer, Daumer…why didn’t you hire this person? I don’t know what his price would have been but it would have been worth it.”
America: Somehow I don’t think he’d be bought.
Warlock: Everybody’s got a price, NAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
America: Ok Ted.
*Ryback prepares more bombs as the tomahawks begin to be unloaded.
Warlock: Is that a condom?
*Ryback prepares the bomb and heads for the sub*
Warlock: He’s going to disable the sub’s hatch so they can’t dive…BRILLIANT!
*Ryback blows the hatch but is tagged by a grappling hook thrown by a commando, he crawls to safety. Daumer walks over to where Ryback is and says its a shame he’s not working for them. He goes to kill Ryback but is shot dead from behind by Jordan*
America: I’d like to point out that Jordan’s gun did not have silencer on it yet it sounded silenced.
*Ryback “Next thing you know, you’ll be dating musicians” Meanwhile Shadow says Daumer is dead and the bow plane is damaged, it can’t submerge. Krill stays with the sub and says he’ll fix the damage. Luigi gives him the arm and the elbow. The sub sails away from the Missouri as Pitt goes over the weapons system malfunction. Pitt says they’re done and Strannix puts a gun to his head*
Warlock: Shoot him!
*Ryback’s men makes it to the deck and say Johnson didn’t make it. Krill gives orders on how to fix the bow plane as Ryback says they need to sink the sub. Ryback asks what they can use to fire and asks Calaway if he can use cannon shells. He nods, meanwhile Pitt fixes the fire control. Ryback locks and loads*
Warlock: That looks like a giant marshmallow
America: That’s just a powder charge.
*Jordan asks if the nukes will go off if they sink it and Ryback correctly says they don’t detonate, they just will sink*
*Ryback fires a starburst and Krill laughs it off. Strannix goes to investigate. Then Ryback fires a real shell, that propels Strannix backwards and it just misses the sub. Krill then gets the bow plane fixed as Ryback’s men reload. Krill and the sub submerges but the next shot blows the sub and Krill away*
*Strannix makes it back to the fire control and goes on a crazed rant about Saturday morning cartoons*
Warlock: He’s lost it folks.
*Strannix clears everyone out of the room and fires 2 nuclear tomahawks headed for Hawaii*
Warlock: That’s all that’s left? What happened to the welding crew?
*Strannix plays the Star Spangled banner on air guitar as Ryback looks on in horror*
Warlock: Uh oh.
*Ryback tells Jordan to get the “carphone” as Admiral Bates notes 2 missiles are headed for Hawaii. They have 24 minutes to blow them away. Colonel Sarnac (Robert Nichols) says what happens now and Garza says everyone will be dead in Hawaii in less than a second. Trenton leans over to Breaker and says to blame it on Ryback, he agrees*
Warlock: Piece of shit.
*Ryback’s men kill Shadow, Pitt and the rest of Strannix’ men. Ryback goes to the fire control room where Strannix points a gun at him. Ryback puts his gun down and says he knows him. Strannix says its been a long time. Ryback “Yes sir, it has.” Strannix reveals his plan and says Ryback is really good. Ryback asks what happened to make him snap “I got tired of coming up with last minute desperate solutions to impossible problems created by other fucking people.” Ryback says they worked for the same master and he’s ungrateful. He says they’re the same. Strannix “Oh no, there’s a difference my man. You still have faith, I don’t.” Ryback kicks the gun out of his hand and they have an epic knife fight, with Ryback winning by poking Strannix’ eye out, stabbing him in the head and throwing him head first into a radar screen. Ryback “Keep the faith Strannix”
*An F-18 shoots down one of the missiles but the other remains. Ryback will have to detonate it himself with the disc that Strannix had. Ryback will have one shot to disarm it. He loads the disc and punches in the disarm code and the missile come apart just in time*
*Bates calls off the air bombers just in time*
Warlock: Imagine that, they celebrate too much and forget to call off the airstrike. Ryback and the Missouri go boom!
*Ryback’s team rescues the sailors trapped in the forecastle. Ryback’s team gets patched up as Cueball asks Ryback to show him a move. Ryback kisses Jordan as Tackman is disgusted. The movie ends with Captain Adams getting a hero’s funeral at sea with Ryback in his dress whites*
Warlock and America: *Salutes*
Mr. America’s Assessment: 5.5 out of 10. Had some good moments but not really anything great.
The Warlock’s Assessment: 8 out of 10, some of the storylines were never explained like how Krill and Strannix got in touch to begin with and how Ryback and Strannix really knew each other.
Final Grade: 7 out of 10 – Great
*Warlock rises from the couch*
Warlock: See? I told you I’d pick a good one.
America: You call that good?
Warlock: Those are fighting words in my country!
*America stands up*
America: Oh yeah?
Warlock: Too bad we’re not in my country.
*America gives him The Rock Angry and storms off*
Warlock: Have a pleasant evening.